How do I recover from un-quitting my job?
April 22, 2011 8:24 AM   Subscribe

My husband was laid off today... The day that was supposed to be my last day of full-time employment. How do I recover at work?

Three weeks ago, my husband and I decided to move across town. We decided at the same time (for various reasons that made sense at the time) that I would quit my job and stay at home with our 1 year old. Today was to have been my last full time day with my final part time day in mid June (I agreed to stay on, working from home until my replacement was trained). I have been in this (government-type) position for about three years, and I enjoy it. I was leaving on good terms. My boss considers herself a grandma to our kid, who was in the office fairly frequently.

Unfortunately, this afternoon, my husband lost his job suddenly. Neither of us saw it coming. So, after speaking to HR, I requested to un-quit. As of right now, I believe my request was granted. How do I recover from this? It is totally obvious to everyone I work with that I was excited to stay home with my son and that I don't really want to work anymore. That said, I did not burn any bridges in leaving- I have maintained my quality of work and my relations with co workers... But it feels super weird, and I know that the question going through everyone's (most importantly, my boss') mind is if I will quit again as soon as my husband finds another job (I do not know yet, I am inclined to say no).
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (14 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
But it feels super weird, and I know that the question going through everyone's (most importantly, my boss') mind is if I will quit again as soon as my husband finds another job

I was in a sort of similar situation to you. "Unquitting" is more of a big deal in your head than to everyone else. It might feel like you're quitting a group of friends, or saying goodbye to your family ... but it is not. It is work and everyone knows that they're there to get a paycheck.

But it feels super weird, and I know that the question going through everyone's (most importantly, my boss') mind is if I will quit again as soon as my husband finds another job (I do not know yet, I am inclined to say no).

This is tricky. don't be surprised if you don't get promoted or don't advance. I speak only from having worked in the private sector, I don't know how important "loyalty" is to government work. But really, if they were having to replace you, now they don't. To your boss it is a win-win. This is, again, trickier if you're working for a small business and your boss in the owner. Government work, I assume, doesn't have that feudal lord like feel over it.
posted by geoff. at 8:31 AM on April 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Continue to do a good job and no one will care. If you are a valuable employee they will appreciate having you around for the extra time.

If you want hink of it as your one allowed mulligan, once is ok, a habit of it will raise flags and likely get you dismissed.
posted by edgeways at 8:46 AM on April 22, 2011


I agree with Geoff - it's a big deal in your head. At one of my workplaces, it was common for people to quit, not like the new job, and be rehired. I know that sounds really strange, but no one thought it was weird. In some cases, people were happy that the person returned. It will feel weird, but it will pass.

Having said that, I sympathize with your situation. I was there years ago, all set to go to go back to school when my husband was suddenly laid off too. Best of luck to both of you!
posted by Calzephyr at 8:51 AM on April 22, 2011


How do I recover from this? It is totally obvious to everyone I work with that I was excited to stay home with my son and that I don't really want to work anymore.

If you'd had your resignation plans derailed like this after having miserably grumped around the office, clearly unhappy about working at all -- yes, your coworkers would all be very aware that you didn't really want to be there.

But you enjoyed your job and are leaving on good terms. I think it will be clear to everyone that you were excited by the prospect of being able to choose to stay home, but...hey, unpredictable things happen in our lives. There but for the grace of god and all that.

From your coworkers, you'll get sympathy for your husband, sympathy for having to change your plans to resign, and some good-natured relief that their work routines won't have to change to accommodate your departure. People will offer some optimistic consolations (it could have been worse!) and a little affirmation-seeking (at least you don't totally hate working here, right?)
posted by desuetude at 8:55 AM on April 22, 2011


The key word here is "you didn't burn any bridges". So just continue your work as normally. It's not like you were planning on jumping ships, you were just going to spend time with your son.
That's understandable to most people. No matter what people say at interviews, family always come for majority of them.
posted by WizKid at 8:59 AM on April 22, 2011


I can't really see that there is anything to be done. I think you're likely overestimating how much of a negative strike this is against you as an employee. Your situation is very straightforward and you haven't done anything wrong. No boss relishes trying to replace an employee who was working well and geoff rightly asserts that this is still a significant plus to your boss.

People including your boss now know that if you had your druthers you would take time out from your career to be a full time parent. My experience talking to other parents when my wife and I were pondering the same decision is that that this is tremendously common aspiration. Like desuetude says there is a huge difference between someone who clearly "wants out" of a job and someone who was anticipating an opportunity that most people could understand and relate to.

It sounds like you could probably talk frankly or at least put out there that you are open to talking frankly to your boss about the future. I imagine that it would probably take a good while after your husband finds another job before you would really feel stable enough to reconsider your original plans, talking about this concretely (now that the cat is out of the bag about your personal inclinations and really can't be put back in) might help.

I've been in situations where it felt like letting out any revelations about my personal aspirations was a potential minefield, and I've been in situations where I felt it was reasonably safe to be a human being, acknowledge that I worked to live, I didn't live to work, and could be more straightforward about this type of thing. It sounds like you're in the latter situation, be glad for that. Cross the bridges of any issues this raises in your day to day if they come. But honestly, if your work was happy to take you right back to your as-is position, it means they need you and you would not be simple to replace and chances are very little thought will be given to the prospect of your leaving at least until your husband finds a new position.
posted by nanojath at 9:14 AM on April 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


I think the most important thing is it frame your responses to any questions in a realistic, but positive way. Something like that that acknowledges both that you would have liked to be a full-time parent, but as second choices go, this job and this team are a very, very good one.

"I was looking forward to staying home with the baby, of course. But I've always enjoyed this job and working with you, so now that circumstances have changed at home, I'm really glad to be able to stay on here."

And after the first few days, when the questions die down, do your damnedest to be hardworking, positive and contribute to the team as much as you ever did, and maybe a little bit more.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:21 AM on April 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


I know that the question going through everyone's (most importantly, my boss') mind is if I will quit again as soon as my husband finds another job (I do not know yet, I am inclined to say no).

If you are seriously challenged about this, can you say that depending on what happens in the future, you believe you might become the main breadwinner for your family, and your husband will be the one that stays home with your child? Hopefully your boss will believe you, since bosses who dismiss that possibility out-of-hand might be committing sex discrimination. IANYL, TINLA.
posted by hhc5 at 10:07 AM on April 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Jacquilynne used what would have been my words almost to the letter. Don't hem and haw and talk nonsense because everyone knows better. Sometimes that's necessary but not so here.

You had one plan that other circumstance screwed up so now you've changed them. "I'm kinda jealous that now my husband is going to be the one who gets to stay home full time with our little one but we're so glad that BOSS was understanding and I had a place I like where I could stay."

If you're worried about the change in perception then why not have a meeting with your boss and say flat-out what the truth is? Thank you so much for being flexible with me, I'm go glad to have the chance, I wanted to say that it means a lot to me. Obviously this change in my husband's situation has changed our plans for the coming few years and it's made us reassess that decision; I want you to know that because of that uncertainty and because of how appreciated this makes me feel that our intention is for me to stay here long-term - this isn't just a stopgap measure for us.

Or whatever. Great employment situations are ones where both sides are happy with each other and their deal. It sounds like you've got one. Just don't over-do it with the gratitude (mentally or vocally) - it's just good business for a company to keep good workers who are experienced. Training someone new is costly. This is a win for both of you.
posted by phearlez at 10:18 AM on April 22, 2011 [5 favorites]


phearlez said pretty much what I was going to say.

You're doing what's best for your family. It's not what you were planning to do, but your child still gets the benefit of being home with one parent.
posted by luckynerd at 10:52 AM on April 22, 2011


Yes, it is awkward for the first week, but you didn't quit for another job and then stayed on (That sometimes has a kind of blackmail stigma to it), so people will not give you weird looks. In fact, sympathy may be the biggest response you get.

You can play this on a lighter note, if you want:

Introduce yourself to your colleagues as if you had joined fresh into the company and ask them for their support and understanding, since you are bound to take some time to learn the ropes and you may make mistakes :)
posted by theobserver at 12:03 PM on April 22, 2011


So sorry for the circumstances; that must have been some serious emotional whiplash... although it is great that your relationship with your employer is good enough that you could un-quit.

It might help for you to remember that your coworkers/boss aren't really supposed to be thinking of potential changes in your personal situation, with regard to your advancement or [their perception of your] level of commitment. People have changes in their personal lives all the time that affect their job choices. It's always a gamble for a boss to count on an employee's future potential.

So you just carry on doing what you've been doing: your best work for the present. That is realistically all a boss can ask for.
posted by torticat at 1:11 PM on April 22, 2011


I work in high tech and a few years ago, one of our PMs quit suddenly, for another job. We were sad to see her go. Surprisingly, she was back a week after her last day. She really hated the new job. We made fun of her a bit but welcomed her back. She's still there, while I am not.

So, I echo the sentiments that it's not a big deal and that you should just work like nothings happened. Your situation isn't humorous like my friend's.

No job is forever these days. Also, don't forget that you saved them recruiting and training costs for your replacement.
posted by reddot at 1:18 PM on April 22, 2011


I'm here to chime in as a dissenting voice from all the "people know it's just a job" and "it's not that weird." People may think it's weird, may question you as a long-term worker, it likely will impact your chances for promotion.

That's OK though. Because the way you come back from it is to be passionate and engaged in the work. You'll surprise people with it--especially if you actually enjoy what your do and are good at it. Eventually, the weird will wear away.

Basically, you can choose to make it better--by being excited about the job--or worse--but focusing on the weirdness you feel which will amplify what people may think.

I'm of the belief that people who say "Others won't care" or "others won't think about it" have a different brain than lots of people I've met. I'm of the "others won't *dwell* on it unless you give them repeated reasons to bring it up" and "others won't hold it against you for long once you prove that you're still into it."

I left a job I liked for one that would give me more money and closer to the title I actually wanted. I hated it and came back in less than 6 months. Once I came back, there was about a week of teasing. And then a year later, I took another job. They made me this sarcastic cake. And there was lots of teasing about, "see you in 6 months."

The beginning will be tough -- but if you treat it like a temporary thing rather than the new normal, do good work and keep an attitude that shows people you actually want to be there, you'll be fine.
posted by Gucky at 3:06 PM on April 22, 2011


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