Control Issues
April 17, 2011 2:46 PM Subscribe
Control issues: help me find online resources and reading material
Bossiness/controllingness runs in my mom's side of the family, so I have probably learned some behaviors. Some examples from my own life might include semi-obsessively planning and re-planning my future and wanting to know every option, passive/accommodating lovers, delegating, frustration when group projects don't go the way I think they ought to.
I can't afford a therapist right now, but I'm sure there is a lot of information on the Internet that you can help me find.
Please help me find online resources. I'm looking for reading material on control issues. I'd like to more clearly identify how I am interacting with the world and figure out what I'd like to change/improve about future interactions. I'm looking for good search terms to use - the ones I've tried don't turn up useful content. I'm interested in basic material as well as in-depth academic material, and everything in-between. If you have any anecdotes or advice for me, that is also appreciated.
Thanks, y'all.
Bossiness/controllingness runs in my mom's side of the family, so I have probably learned some behaviors. Some examples from my own life might include semi-obsessively planning and re-planning my future and wanting to know every option, passive/accommodating lovers, delegating, frustration when group projects don't go the way I think they ought to.
I can't afford a therapist right now, but I'm sure there is a lot of information on the Internet that you can help me find.
Please help me find online resources. I'm looking for reading material on control issues. I'd like to more clearly identify how I am interacting with the world and figure out what I'd like to change/improve about future interactions. I'm looking for good search terms to use - the ones I've tried don't turn up useful content. I'm interested in basic material as well as in-depth academic material, and everything in-between. If you have any anecdotes or advice for me, that is also appreciated.
Thanks, y'all.
I would search on "perfectionist" and "control freak". Perfectionism is often the root cause. Some people view this as related to OCD. Lots of books available.
posted by PickeringPete at 3:44 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by PickeringPete at 3:44 PM on April 17, 2011
Further to my post, I like CBT as a therapy you can read about.
Try "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy" by Burns. Try the search facility on this website for "CBT". You will find books and free websites mentioned. The British and Aussies have free CBT sites.
Good luck
posted by PickeringPete at 4:39 PM on April 17, 2011
Try "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy" by Burns. Try the search facility on this website for "CBT". You will find books and free websites mentioned. The British and Aussies have free CBT sites.
Good luck
posted by PickeringPete at 4:39 PM on April 17, 2011
Response by poster: Addendum: Based on what I've read so far, I'm thinking that I might not be controlling in unhealthy ways. My problem might be more of an allergy (based on family history with my controlling mother) to being in situations with controlling people.
I'm still interested in information from all angles, and thanks for the answers so far.
posted by lover at 5:02 PM on April 17, 2011
I'm still interested in information from all angles, and thanks for the answers so far.
posted by lover at 5:02 PM on April 17, 2011
Good google term might be assertive communication or assertive vs. aggressive communication.
posted by salvia at 6:22 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by salvia at 6:22 PM on April 17, 2011
If you are reaction to controlling people, rather than being one yourself, I agree that you could look at assertiveness. I like "Your Perfect Right". Lots of examples, tactics etc.
However, you cite passive, enabling lovers and frustration when projects don't go your way. Sounds like you have an issue. I have found families hand down bad behaviors. Kids who are hit often turn into adults who hit kids. So if your parents were controlling...
Still strongly recommend CBT, no matter where you are on the spectrum.
posted by PickeringPete at 6:39 PM on April 17, 2011
However, you cite passive, enabling lovers and frustration when projects don't go your way. Sounds like you have an issue. I have found families hand down bad behaviors. Kids who are hit often turn into adults who hit kids. So if your parents were controlling...
Still strongly recommend CBT, no matter where you are on the spectrum.
posted by PickeringPete at 6:39 PM on April 17, 2011
If you are reaction to controlling people, rather than being one yourself, I agree that you could look at assertiveness.
Yes, the passive vs. assertive distinction is a good one to learn, but I also think that if you might be communicating aggressively, the assertive vs. aggressive distinction may be worth reading about.
posted by salvia at 7:03 PM on April 17, 2011
Yes, the passive vs. assertive distinction is a good one to learn, but I also think that if you might be communicating aggressively, the assertive vs. aggressive distinction may be worth reading about.
posted by salvia at 7:03 PM on April 17, 2011
Why micromanaging doesn't work in the business world.
Perfectionism IS a negative psychological condition in many people (including myself, I have been treated for this with CBT). It is self-abuse, because you set goals and standards for yourself that are literally unattainable. This often extends to others and the need to control a situation / person to make it as "perfect" as possible.
Question: Did you throw tantrums as a kid if, say, the dog ate your birthday cake? Or if your visit to a theme park was marred by rain? Did you copy your homework over and over again until you thought your handwriting looked its best? I'm trying to figure out if you're passive or assertive, like everyone else.
I've linked several self-help books and studies below; I'd be happy to link more if I had a few specific examples of what you'd like to change to go on, but start with these:
Try clicking through Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good? and see if it sounds familiar to you.
OCD people need things to be "just right" and have trouble adjusting when they're not.
You don't have to answer here, but if you have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused in any way or have a history of eating disorders, then this might help you. People who were made to feel "not good enough" as children tend to react to failure by self-harming in some way, and this site points out ways to channel that energy into something positive.
For work-related issues, like delegating and working in a team environment, I recommend the Stress Management Sourcebook.
How controlling behavior and relationship violence are related.
The effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior.
How to go from micromanaging to leading in the workplace.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:54 PM on April 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Perfectionism IS a negative psychological condition in many people (including myself, I have been treated for this with CBT). It is self-abuse, because you set goals and standards for yourself that are literally unattainable. This often extends to others and the need to control a situation / person to make it as "perfect" as possible.
Question: Did you throw tantrums as a kid if, say, the dog ate your birthday cake? Or if your visit to a theme park was marred by rain? Did you copy your homework over and over again until you thought your handwriting looked its best? I'm trying to figure out if you're passive or assertive, like everyone else.
I've linked several self-help books and studies below; I'd be happy to link more if I had a few specific examples of what you'd like to change to go on, but start with these:
Try clicking through Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good? and see if it sounds familiar to you.
OCD people need things to be "just right" and have trouble adjusting when they're not.
You don't have to answer here, but if you have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused in any way or have a history of eating disorders, then this might help you. People who were made to feel "not good enough" as children tend to react to failure by self-harming in some way, and this site points out ways to channel that energy into something positive.
For work-related issues, like delegating and working in a team environment, I recommend the Stress Management Sourcebook.
How controlling behavior and relationship violence are related.
The effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior.
How to go from micromanaging to leading in the workplace.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:54 PM on April 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for stuff which is within the proper realm of your control, I think it's a good idea to imagine various scenarios and anticipate risks. Get "Managing Software Quality And Business Risk" by Martyn Ould for a method of anticipating and handling future snafus. Yes, it's a software book, but it's a great method that can be generalized to many of life's issues. Good on you for not approaching the great turning points of your life like a sleepwalker. I think your anxiety will diminish the more experience you gain of handling problems successfully.
posted by tel3path at 3:25 PM on April 17, 2011