"I love you!" "...I know." ::WOOSH FREEZY SOUND::
April 14, 2011 1:19 PM Subscribe
So, my poetry is going to be in a large local juried art show. One of my poems is professing my love for my boyfriend. We haven't said "I love you." but have discussed marriage and house-buying and will be living together this summer. Should I point out the poem is about him to him?
I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. Things are great, we communicate well, we don't sweep conflict under the rug, no red flags that I can see. We've been to each others families for semi-extended periods, discussed marriage and kids, and will be living together this summer.
Lots of milestones, right? But we haven't said "I love you" to each other. I love him! I've wanted to say it. He says that he feels that "I love you" is used too much, so he doesn't want to throw it around. But, he will say "love you" occasionally causally as an end to a jibe, or a quick "love you" as he walks out th door to work. I haven't said "I love you, too." to any of these because I...I just didn't. Maybe because I didn't want it to be like that, like I was expecting some big romantic moment or something. I kinda want a big romantic moment, but I still appreciate the organic-y way this is happening, too. His emphasis on the weight of the actual words "I love you" leads me to think *he* wants a big romantic moment.
The saying is that the girl never says "I love you" first. But I'm tired of holding in my "I love you"'s. But I'm scared that if I say it, my worst nightmare will come true and he'll do the whole "I know." or "Thank you." or some other horrible "I don't love you." answer.
So, to my poem.
[i love you]
i love you
with the urgency of a stubbed toe,
with the clarity of frost on cold red cheeks.
i love you
with the warmth of a coffee cup,
with the anticipation of a first sight of dinner delayed.
i love you
with the pride of a blackbird's first flight,
with the hope of the light at the end of the tunnel.
i love you
with the ardor of the candleflame,
with the brilliance of a lightning bolt at night.
i love you
with the depth of a profound utterance,
with the lightness of a windblown petal,
and the fealty of a castle keep.
---
It's not my greatest work, but it will, along with another,(better, really) work of mine, will be projected on the wall of this juried art show. We are going together. Should I use this opportunity to finally say I love you?
I've been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months. Things are great, we communicate well, we don't sweep conflict under the rug, no red flags that I can see. We've been to each others families for semi-extended periods, discussed marriage and kids, and will be living together this summer.
Lots of milestones, right? But we haven't said "I love you" to each other. I love him! I've wanted to say it. He says that he feels that "I love you" is used too much, so he doesn't want to throw it around. But, he will say "love you" occasionally causally as an end to a jibe, or a quick "love you" as he walks out th door to work. I haven't said "I love you, too." to any of these because I...I just didn't. Maybe because I didn't want it to be like that, like I was expecting some big romantic moment or something. I kinda want a big romantic moment, but I still appreciate the organic-y way this is happening, too. His emphasis on the weight of the actual words "I love you" leads me to think *he* wants a big romantic moment.
The saying is that the girl never says "I love you" first. But I'm tired of holding in my "I love you"'s. But I'm scared that if I say it, my worst nightmare will come true and he'll do the whole "I know." or "Thank you." or some other horrible "I don't love you." answer.
So, to my poem.
[i love you]
i love you
with the urgency of a stubbed toe,
with the clarity of frost on cold red cheeks.
i love you
with the warmth of a coffee cup,
with the anticipation of a first sight of dinner delayed.
i love you
with the pride of a blackbird's first flight,
with the hope of the light at the end of the tunnel.
i love you
with the ardor of the candleflame,
with the brilliance of a lightning bolt at night.
i love you
with the depth of a profound utterance,
with the lightness of a windblown petal,
and the fealty of a castle keep.
---
It's not my greatest work, but it will, along with another,(better, really) work of mine, will be projected on the wall of this juried art show. We are going together. Should I use this opportunity to finally say I love you?
I have never heard of a more "big romantic moment" than seeing a huge projected poem declaring one person's love for another.
The saying is that the girl doesn't say it first? I've had girls tell me first. I've told them first. I don't think the order we said "I love you" in made much of a difference. Certainly not compared to, say, everything else that ever happened between us.
Also:
quick "love you" as he walks out th door to work.
HE HAS SAID HE LOVES YOU. If anything, the fact that he says it casually, matter-of-factly, should mean a thousand times more than if he said it as part of some big epic romantic statement.
I think PhoBWanKenobi's got the right idea. "Here, this is something that's being presented in front of a zillion people, but you should see it, because it's all about how I love you."
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:24 PM on April 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
The saying is that the girl doesn't say it first? I've had girls tell me first. I've told them first. I don't think the order we said "I love you" in made much of a difference. Certainly not compared to, say, everything else that ever happened between us.
Also:
quick "love you" as he walks out th door to work.
HE HAS SAID HE LOVES YOU. If anything, the fact that he says it casually, matter-of-factly, should mean a thousand times more than if he said it as part of some big epic romantic statement.
I think PhoBWanKenobi's got the right idea. "Here, this is something that's being presented in front of a zillion people, but you should see it, because it's all about how I love you."
posted by Tomorrowful at 1:24 PM on April 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you're imagining some big romantic spectacle and he's not into that (which it sounds like he's not). I think the two of you need to talk about it, before the exhibition - and before you move in together, because if you really think it's possible that he doesn't love you or can't express it in the way you need, you might not want to move in with him.
You could say something like: I know you've been using the word "love" a lot in our casual conversations. I know you don't take the "I love you" phrase casually and I didn't want you to think that I took those words casually, either, so let me just tell you right now that I love you. And although you're not big into saying it all the time, it's important to me to hear you say that you love me, too.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
You could say something like: I know you've been using the word "love" a lot in our casual conversations. I know you don't take the "I love you" phrase casually and I didn't want you to think that I took those words casually, either, so let me just tell you right now that I love you. And although you're not big into saying it all the time, it's important to me to hear you say that you love me, too.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I agree with PhoBWanKenobi.
I'm tired of holding in my "I love you"'s. But I'm scared that if I say it, my worst nightmare will come true and he'll do the whole "I know." or "Thank you."
Why would you think this, if you've been together for almost a year, you're going to be living together, and he's already said he loves you?
I wouldn't do the elaborately thought-out mini-speech suggested by ThePinkSuperhero. (You can. I'm just saying I wouldn't do it.) He already tells you flat-out that he loves you. You can tell him flat-out, with no advance throat-clearing or rationalization.
posted by John Cohen at 1:32 PM on April 14, 2011
I'm tired of holding in my "I love you"'s. But I'm scared that if I say it, my worst nightmare will come true and he'll do the whole "I know." or "Thank you."
Why would you think this, if you've been together for almost a year, you're going to be living together, and he's already said he loves you?
I wouldn't do the elaborately thought-out mini-speech suggested by ThePinkSuperhero. (You can. I'm just saying I wouldn't do it.) He already tells you flat-out that he loves you. You can tell him flat-out, with no advance throat-clearing or rationalization.
posted by John Cohen at 1:32 PM on April 14, 2011
If he asks, Tell him its about someone else, wait a heartbeat Nd then say naaah. It's about you. Leave it at that.
posted by seanyboy at 1:35 PM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by seanyboy at 1:35 PM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tomorrowful: "HE HAS SAID HE LOVES YOU."
Yep, he's said it. I would probably let him know about the poem beforehand though. Not to guard him from any surprises by your confession of love. It's just nice to know that something is about you.
posted by theichibun at 1:37 PM on April 14, 2011
Yep, he's said it. I would probably let him know about the poem beforehand though. Not to guard him from any surprises by your confession of love. It's just nice to know that something is about you.
posted by theichibun at 1:37 PM on April 14, 2011
Aww, come on. Tell him, at a good moment that night. It'd be a cute story to tell people later, and it's pretty clear you're not at risk of rejection here. You'd be hard-pressed to find a better epic moment to formally declare your love. Do it despite the fact it makes you nervous, because he's worth it.
posted by lizbunny at 1:44 PM on April 14, 2011
posted by lizbunny at 1:44 PM on April 14, 2011
Is he the adventurous/spontaneous type? If so, (one would expect/hope) he'd appreciate adventure/spontaneity from his love—and ergo, a Grand Romantic Gesture may be just the thing.
Otherwise, telling him in advance is also quite romantic.
posted by AugieAugustus at 1:45 PM on April 14, 2011
Otherwise, telling him in advance is also quite romantic.
posted by AugieAugustus at 1:45 PM on April 14, 2011
"I'm tired of holding in my "I love you"'s. But I'm scared that if I say it, my worst nightmare will come true and he'll do the whole "I know." or "Thank you." or some other horrible "I don't love you." answer."
"Thank you" is not an "I don't love you" answer. I said thank you the first time my now-husband told me he loved me.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:46 PM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
"Thank you" is not an "I don't love you" answer. I said thank you the first time my now-husband told me he loved me.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:46 PM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
My grandmother always said: when all else fails try honesty
posted by Postroad at 1:49 PM on April 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 1:49 PM on April 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
The saying is that the girl never says "I love you" first
The saying is wrong. It's 2011.
Go to the art show, lean in to him, point at the wall, and whisper "that's about you!"
posted by desjardins at 1:50 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
The saying is wrong. It's 2011.
Go to the art show, lean in to him, point at the wall, and whisper "that's about you!"
posted by desjardins at 1:50 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Next time he says he loves you on the way out the door, call after him, "I love you, too!"
On a completely separate planet, show him the art that you've made, that he's inspired, and that's been selected for the juried show. The two things might not be as inextricably combined as you worry -- he loves you and you love him. You've also written a poem about it, but you can also communicate to him on a real-life level by telling him you love him the way he tells you.
posted by motsque at 1:52 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
On a completely separate planet, show him the art that you've made, that he's inspired, and that's been selected for the juried show. The two things might not be as inextricably combined as you worry -- he loves you and you love him. You've also written a poem about it, but you can also communicate to him on a real-life level by telling him you love him the way he tells you.
posted by motsque at 1:52 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's a lovely poem. Perhaps you might write it out on a nice piece of quality paper and give it to him sometime between now and the show? It's personal and heartfelt without necessarily saying the words out loud. And won't leave him wondering when he sees it at the show whether it was meant for him.
posted by platinum at 1:53 PM on April 14, 2011
posted by platinum at 1:53 PM on April 14, 2011
I think you should keep your art and your bf apart--meaning, your poem is about love and your feelings, and the display of it is important to you as a poet/writer. IF he sees it and asks, you can tell him that you were writing from deep feelings. But it's your work, which exists with him or without him. With luck, he'll figure it out and be amazed and touched to his core. But who knows? Maybe someone else will read it and be touched as well.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:04 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 2:04 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
The saying is that the girl never says "I love you" first.
This is silly. You've found a good thing, go out there and make the most of it. Just say it the next time you feel the overwhelming urge to do so.
posted by you're a kitty! at 2:10 PM on April 14, 2011
This is silly. You've found a good thing, go out there and make the most of it. Just say it the next time you feel the overwhelming urge to do so.
posted by you're a kitty! at 2:10 PM on April 14, 2011
My first I-love-yous with my SO were spelled 'less than three' and tacked into random other flirty comments and compliments sent by IM and text message. We edged into it at sort of a diagonal before we made it to those three words actually out loud. It sounds like you guys have been doing sort of the same thing, doing the feeling out, making sure that you're both on the same page.
It's been ten months, you're moving in together, you write poetry like this and he says 'love you' on his way out the door so he doesn't have to worry about it turning into a big discussion where you might say something else. You've been doing your easing into it, building up to Making It Official so that you can do that in a safe way. Now... well, it seems like you're there.
When they get put up, well, if it were me, I would take him to see that one first.
Good luck!
posted by gracedissolved at 2:49 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's been ten months, you're moving in together, you write poetry like this and he says 'love you' on his way out the door so he doesn't have to worry about it turning into a big discussion where you might say something else. You've been doing your easing into it, building up to Making It Official so that you can do that in a safe way. Now... well, it seems like you're there.
When they get put up, well, if it were me, I would take him to see that one first.
Good luck!
posted by gracedissolved at 2:49 PM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
The girls I know usually say 'I love you' first.
Just project the poem with him there. He should assume/know it's about him. Its very direct. Who else would it be about?
If he dosen't know, either tell him publicly (which would be really sweet to both him and the audience) or privately during the show. Either way he'd be charmed.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 3:35 PM on April 14, 2011
Just project the poem with him there. He should assume/know it's about him. Its very direct. Who else would it be about?
If he dosen't know, either tell him publicly (which would be really sweet to both him and the audience) or privately during the show. Either way he'd be charmed.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 3:35 PM on April 14, 2011
But I'm scared that if I say it, my worst nightmare will come true and he'll do the whole "I know." or "Thank you." or some other horrible "I don't love you."
Hey, if he's anything like me he might say something like that just out of surprise or awkwardness. But given the circumstances (him saying he loves you all the time and discussing marriage with you) I don't think you should read anything into it if it happens.
When I was a teenager, I was in my first serious relationship, and I deeply, deeply loved my boyfriend, and I felt really awkward about a lot of things. One day we were talking about something he'd done for me, and he dropped it in -- said he'd done it "out of love." Out of awkwardness I said "Shut up!" rather meanly and changed the subject. Well, we were together another year and a half after that and he never said the word again, and neither did I. I wanted to, and REALLY wished I'd handled that differently, but just didn't know how after that. It was his first relationship too.
Hopefully your boyfriend is a lot more mature than I was and that won't happen though. I don't think you should keep going down my silly path yourself, though!
posted by Ashley801 at 7:33 PM on April 14, 2011
Hey, if he's anything like me he might say something like that just out of surprise or awkwardness. But given the circumstances (him saying he loves you all the time and discussing marriage with you) I don't think you should read anything into it if it happens.
When I was a teenager, I was in my first serious relationship, and I deeply, deeply loved my boyfriend, and I felt really awkward about a lot of things. One day we were talking about something he'd done for me, and he dropped it in -- said he'd done it "out of love." Out of awkwardness I said "Shut up!" rather meanly and changed the subject. Well, we were together another year and a half after that and he never said the word again, and neither did I. I wanted to, and REALLY wished I'd handled that differently, but just didn't know how after that. It was his first relationship too.
Hopefully your boyfriend is a lot more mature than I was and that won't happen though. I don't think you should keep going down my silly path yourself, though!
posted by Ashley801 at 7:33 PM on April 14, 2011
But, he will say "love you" occasionally causally as an end to a jibe, or a quick "love you" as he walks out th door to work.
Other people have mentioned this already, but I just wanted to join the chorus pointing out that he's already said he loves you. No guy I know, including me, would be willing to say "love you" but then freak out about the prospect of putting the word "I" in front of that.
So, yes, the idea that the man has to say "I love you" first is silly. But it's beside the point here, because he actually did say it first. So go ahead and tell him!
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:54 PM on April 14, 2011
Other people have mentioned this already, but I just wanted to join the chorus pointing out that he's already said he loves you. No guy I know, including me, would be willing to say "love you" but then freak out about the prospect of putting the word "I" in front of that.
So, yes, the idea that the man has to say "I love you" first is silly. But it's beside the point here, because he actually did say it first. So go ahead and tell him!
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:54 PM on April 14, 2011
I guess I have a somewhat contrary opinion to other folks here ... No, I don't think you should take him to the art show and spring that poem on him without reading to him first, in private.
This isn't so much about the words "I love you" as it is about you expressing the very deep feelings you have for him. He does say the word "love" now -- but he says it quickly, as he's heading out the door. That's just not the same thing as your poem, regardless of the actual words used. So, to spring that poem on him in public is in essence starting a really intimate and private conversation with him in an art gallery. If he's not the type to express himself in the same way (or if he's just a private person) then he might feel really awkward and embarrassed, and you'll feel bad because he'll just say "thanks."
You guys are talking about marriage. Forget the words "love" -- but you really do need to talk to each other about how you feel. You should be able to do that. And you should feel entitled to do that, if it's right. The fact that He says that he feels that "I love you" is used too much, so he doesn't want to throw it around has nothing at all to you telling him how you feel about him.
posted by yarly at 12:57 PM on April 15, 2011
This isn't so much about the words "I love you" as it is about you expressing the very deep feelings you have for him. He does say the word "love" now -- but he says it quickly, as he's heading out the door. That's just not the same thing as your poem, regardless of the actual words used. So, to spring that poem on him in public is in essence starting a really intimate and private conversation with him in an art gallery. If he's not the type to express himself in the same way (or if he's just a private person) then he might feel really awkward and embarrassed, and you'll feel bad because he'll just say "thanks."
You guys are talking about marriage. Forget the words "love" -- but you really do need to talk to each other about how you feel. You should be able to do that. And you should feel entitled to do that, if it's right. The fact that He says that he feels that "I love you" is used too much, so he doesn't want to throw it around has nothing at all to you telling him how you feel about him.
posted by yarly at 12:57 PM on April 15, 2011
also - the whole "he feels I love you is used to much" is annoying. saying "I love you" should not be some kind of calculated semantic game, measured against what other people do. it should issue from the soul and you should say it when the spirit strikes you. sure, the "love" you feel 2-months into your relationship will probably be much different from the "love" you feel after 20 years, but that doesn't make either version any less "love."
posted by yarly at 1:01 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 1:01 PM on April 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Update: So, we went, and he really liked it. He didn't say "I love you, too." when we walked out and I actually said "I love you", he said "I know." (lol) and asked "Is it okay if I say I really really like you?". I told him he shouldn't feel obligated to say it and him figuring out if he loves me is his own journey he needs to take, but I felt that way and needed to say it.
He appreciated the gesture and was really touched. He also wants a copy.
posted by lettuchi at 8:13 AM on April 17, 2011
He appreciated the gesture and was really touched. He also wants a copy.
posted by lettuchi at 8:13 AM on April 17, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
What? I (a girl) said it first--after two months, at that. It went fine. He said it back and then kissed me. Nine years later, we're married and say it constantly.
I think you should give him a copy of the poem before the show, and let him read it while you're there. I think a public I-love-you might take him a bit by surprise, and it's probably fairer to let him chew on it first.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:23 PM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]