Cordial Exes
April 14, 2011 10:05 AM Subscribe
The friends of my recent ex-bf sent me an email invite to attend their monthly music jam session. My ex will probably be attending. I want to go, but I also don't want to make things awkward.
Ex and I dated for about 2 months. He amicably broke up with me almost a month ago. I've seen him since then (he has brunch at his house a few times a month and he invited me). We're cordial, but things are a bit strained, at least on my end. He's very stoic and difficult to read emotionally, which makes me a bit paranoid, because I can never figure out what he's thinking.
While we were dating, he introduced me to a bunch of his friends and they invited me to one of their monthly jam sessions. I couldn't attend because I had other plans, but I asked them to keep me in mind for the future.
Well, the future is this Saturday and I'm freaking out.
I'm a list person, so I'll break it down like this:
Reasons to Go:
1) I've been wanting to get back into jam sessions for a while. I did one session with the ex's other group of friends and had a great time. They help me build my music skills and gain confidence. I'd start my own but I can't host them in my apartment, and I don't have a lot of friends who would be interested.
2) When the ex broke up with me, he specifically said, "the [jam session group] guys love you! they think you're awesome!" and "you can totally still play with us". It sounded like he was genuine, because he's not really one for bullshit.
3) I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately and I could use some fun.
4) Our breakup was very amiable. Our communication since then has been limited, mostly on my part. I want to respect him and give him space, but he has been the one reaching out the hand of friendship to me, which is really nice. He's invited me to events and posted things on my facebook wall, so it's not like he totally hates me. We just didn't work out as a couple.
Reasons not to Go:
1) Ex also invited me to bi-weekly brunch at his place last week. It was the first time I'd seen him since we'd broken up and it was a bit awkward. When I tried to make conversation, he seemed a little terse, but he was often like that around me. He's just a man of few words. I left early.
2) I don't want to invade his space and I don't want things to be awkward.
Normally, I would ask him directly, but he's so stoic and laid back, I don't even know...I don't even know how to ask about it in a way that doesn't make me seem like a crazy-pants.
I *do* want to talk to him about this. I don't even know if he's going to the jam session; I just know that he was invited. (In fact, last time I was invited and he wasn't!)
I have no desire to get back together with him. I just don't want to sever new friendships and ties to social groups just because he and I aren't dating anymore. At the same time, I don't want to be clingy and invasive.
How can I find a balance and how can I bring up this subject with him? Should I text? Email? Call? Where do I even start? I'm in a beanplating frenzy.
Ex and I dated for about 2 months. He amicably broke up with me almost a month ago. I've seen him since then (he has brunch at his house a few times a month and he invited me). We're cordial, but things are a bit strained, at least on my end. He's very stoic and difficult to read emotionally, which makes me a bit paranoid, because I can never figure out what he's thinking.
While we were dating, he introduced me to a bunch of his friends and they invited me to one of their monthly jam sessions. I couldn't attend because I had other plans, but I asked them to keep me in mind for the future.
Well, the future is this Saturday and I'm freaking out.
I'm a list person, so I'll break it down like this:
Reasons to Go:
1) I've been wanting to get back into jam sessions for a while. I did one session with the ex's other group of friends and had a great time. They help me build my music skills and gain confidence. I'd start my own but I can't host them in my apartment, and I don't have a lot of friends who would be interested.
2) When the ex broke up with me, he specifically said, "the [jam session group] guys love you! they think you're awesome!" and "you can totally still play with us". It sounded like he was genuine, because he's not really one for bullshit.
3) I've been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately and I could use some fun.
4) Our breakup was very amiable. Our communication since then has been limited, mostly on my part. I want to respect him and give him space, but he has been the one reaching out the hand of friendship to me, which is really nice. He's invited me to events and posted things on my facebook wall, so it's not like he totally hates me. We just didn't work out as a couple.
Reasons not to Go:
1) Ex also invited me to bi-weekly brunch at his place last week. It was the first time I'd seen him since we'd broken up and it was a bit awkward. When I tried to make conversation, he seemed a little terse, but he was often like that around me. He's just a man of few words. I left early.
2) I don't want to invade his space and I don't want things to be awkward.
Normally, I would ask him directly, but he's so stoic and laid back, I don't even know...I don't even know how to ask about it in a way that doesn't make me seem like a crazy-pants.
I *do* want to talk to him about this. I don't even know if he's going to the jam session; I just know that he was invited. (In fact, last time I was invited and he wasn't!)
I have no desire to get back together with him. I just don't want to sever new friendships and ties to social groups just because he and I aren't dating anymore. At the same time, I don't want to be clingy and invasive.
How can I find a balance and how can I bring up this subject with him? Should I text? Email? Call? Where do I even start? I'm in a beanplating frenzy.
If you're worrying about it this much you're probably not ready. Tell them you can't make it this time, but that you'd love to come again sometime. Once it feels right to you and you aren't worried whether the ex is there or not, go jam.
posted by auto-correct at 10:10 AM on April 14, 2011
posted by auto-correct at 10:10 AM on April 14, 2011
You dated for 2 months and broke up a month ago, and he already invited you to an event AT HIS HOUSE. I think it's safe to go. You could always wait a month, though, if you really want to be safe.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:10 AM on April 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:10 AM on April 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
I can never figure out what he's thinking.
Not dating anymore means you don't have to worry about this anymore. You should stop doing it. Let him worry about him. He's fine.
It sounds like you are not over him, actually.
posted by fritley at 10:13 AM on April 14, 2011 [5 favorites]
Not dating anymore means you don't have to worry about this anymore. You should stop doing it. Let him worry about him. He's fine.
It sounds like you are not over him, actually.
posted by fritley at 10:13 AM on April 14, 2011 [5 favorites]
from the ex side, from the friend side, i'd say totally go.
from your side - i agree with fritley - it sounds like you're not over him. it sounds like you're still invested in couple space. you have to figure out a way for you to stop trying to read into everything the ex says or does. if you're not there yet, you're probably not ready to go jam with him.
posted by nadawi at 10:24 AM on April 14, 2011
from your side - i agree with fritley - it sounds like you're not over him. it sounds like you're still invested in couple space. you have to figure out a way for you to stop trying to read into everything the ex says or does. if you're not there yet, you're probably not ready to go jam with him.
posted by nadawi at 10:24 AM on April 14, 2011
You should go. He went out of his way to tell you his friends like you and still want you there. Also, you're playing music, not having an in-depth discussion. Say your polite "how's it going"s and get to the tunes. Being quiet and enjoying the music might be a good tactic.
If you're feeling nervous about the length of time you'd be spending around him (and if it's the same half-schedule as many music jams) then just show up for the second half. If you leave wishing you'd been there for the whole time, then you're all set to go again next month.
posted by aimedwander at 10:27 AM on April 14, 2011
If you're feeling nervous about the length of time you'd be spending around him (and if it's the same half-schedule as many music jams) then just show up for the second half. If you leave wishing you'd been there for the whole time, then you're all set to go again next month.
posted by aimedwander at 10:27 AM on April 14, 2011
Best answer: On a normal basis, I'd counsel to go with what makes you comfortable, i.e., not going to the jam session. But given that your relationship with this guy was so short, and the breakup was so amiable, I'm going to counsel the exact opposite.
Go to the jam session. Force yourself to put your game face on. Be friendly with the ex, force yourself to treat him like he's some guy you happen to know. Focus on jamming, and on doing what made everyone so impressed with you the last time.
There's so much to be gained from stepping outside of your comfort zone, and so much to be lost from staying home.
Go. Jam.
posted by LN at 10:28 AM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Go to the jam session. Force yourself to put your game face on. Be friendly with the ex, force yourself to treat him like he's some guy you happen to know. Focus on jamming, and on doing what made everyone so impressed with you the last time.
There's so much to be gained from stepping outside of your comfort zone, and so much to be lost from staying home.
Go. Jam.
posted by LN at 10:28 AM on April 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Email:
Hi Ex!
I've been invited to the jam session this month, and I would really like to attend. But I'm a little concerned that any awkwardness between the two of us would affect the atmosphere. And since you knew this group first, I wanted to check with you before I go. I feel confident we can co-exist, but I want to be considerate of your feelings. I'm asking for an honest and sincere answer, and can take no for an answer. What do you think?
posted by raisingsand at 10:31 AM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hi Ex!
I've been invited to the jam session this month, and I would really like to attend. But I'm a little concerned that any awkwardness between the two of us would affect the atmosphere. And since you knew this group first, I wanted to check with you before I go. I feel confident we can co-exist, but I want to be considerate of your feelings. I'm asking for an honest and sincere answer, and can take no for an answer. What do you think?
posted by raisingsand at 10:31 AM on April 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I probably wouldn't go but I'm socially retarded.
Sounds like too much stress to deal with.
But it might be fine once you get there.
Well, I would probably go if there was alcohol involved. That would make it easier for me, personally.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:32 AM on April 14, 2011
Sounds like too much stress to deal with.
But it might be fine once you get there.
Well, I would probably go if there was alcohol involved. That would make it easier for me, personally.
posted by KogeLiz at 10:32 AM on April 14, 2011
Don't go. Hang out with your friends if you could use some company.
posted by spaltavian at 10:34 AM on April 14, 2011
posted by spaltavian at 10:34 AM on April 14, 2011
I don't think the fact that the brunch was awkward implies that the jam session will be awkward. At the jam session there will be other people around so you won't spend 100% of your time interacting with your ex and the interaction you do have will be completely different.
Go. If it sucks then don't go again. If it doesn't then keep going.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:45 AM on April 14, 2011
Go. If it sucks then don't go again. If it doesn't then keep going.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:45 AM on April 14, 2011
If you could handle a brunch at his house, it's likely that a jam session will be easy in comparison. Be breezy and fun.
posted by amicamentis at 10:56 AM on April 14, 2011
posted by amicamentis at 10:56 AM on April 14, 2011
You didn't work out as a couple but amiably, he's been open about you being welcome to go, the jam people invited you, it wouldn't be the first time you've seen him. Go and jam.
posted by dirtdirt at 10:59 AM on April 14, 2011
posted by dirtdirt at 10:59 AM on April 14, 2011
I'm a huge fan of powering through awkwardness, so I would go. Then I would probably greet him in an overly cheery way to show that it isn't at all awkward. Then I'd be nervous and jumpy for awhile, until I could finally relax, probably after a few hours.
It will get better with time. Eventually, it'll seem normal, especially if you go to multiple sessions.
If you really want to talk to him, just text, "Is it cool if I go jam tonight?" If that's too impersonal, call him and explain. Being stoic is his thing, not yours, and you have to believe he will tell you if he has a problem. If he says nothing and he really does feel weird, that's his thing, honestly.
posted by amodelcitizen at 11:42 AM on April 14, 2011
It will get better with time. Eventually, it'll seem normal, especially if you go to multiple sessions.
If you really want to talk to him, just text, "Is it cool if I go jam tonight?" If that's too impersonal, call him and explain. Being stoic is his thing, not yours, and you have to believe he will tell you if he has a problem. If he says nothing and he really does feel weird, that's his thing, honestly.
posted by amodelcitizen at 11:42 AM on April 14, 2011
And DON'T talk to him about it. Silence is your friend here and the key to maintaining dignity. Just go to the jam session, be friendly, and try to not focus on talking to him. It will get easier and easier, I promise!
posted by pinetree at 5:50 PM on April 14, 2011
posted by pinetree at 5:50 PM on April 14, 2011
Seriously? You only dated for two months, not two years. If there's anybody having baggage and issues, it's you, not him. He's over it. You don't need to e-mail and ask his permission. He probably isn't feeling Ex Baggage so much as he's just socially awkward sounding in general.
If you, on the other hand, are not over it and am having issues (which it sounds like you are), then own that, don't act like it's him feeling awkward. It's you.
I would say in your case to suck it up and go, and not waste the opportunity.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:35 PM on April 14, 2011
If you, on the other hand, are not over it and am having issues (which it sounds like you are), then own that, don't act like it's him feeling awkward. It's you.
I would say in your case to suck it up and go, and not waste the opportunity.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:35 PM on April 14, 2011
Best answer: Go to the jam session and work on getting to know everyone ELSE you'll see there.
Don't think of it as your ex's event...it really isn't.
Don't concentrate right now on getting to be friends with your ex;
concentrate on the new people that might be good friends for you.
I had a good friend that dated another good friend for about two months-- at the end of it they were just two parts of our larger group, no harm, no foul.
posted by calgirl at 10:51 AM on April 15, 2011
Don't think of it as your ex's event...it really isn't.
Don't concentrate right now on getting to be friends with your ex;
concentrate on the new people that might be good friends for you.
I had a good friend that dated another good friend for about two months-- at the end of it they were just two parts of our larger group, no harm, no foul.
posted by calgirl at 10:51 AM on April 15, 2011
Response by poster: Hive Mind: You are marvelous! I posted this question with the expectation that I'd get a plethora of "Don't Go! Here's Why!" answers, but I was pleasantly surprised by your insistence that I attend.
I happened to run into the ex on Friday night at a concert and we chatted for a bit, so I said "Hey, by the way, I'm thinking about going to the jam session tomorrow. Are you going? (Yes) I just wanted to let you know, so it won't be weird. (It's fine. No big deal.)
I went tonight and it was mostly fine! I showed up a few hours before he did, so some people asked me where he was, which was a little awkward, but I handled it gracefully. When he did show up, we didn't say hello or talk to each other much, only when necessary, but I had a great time with everyone else and I made a new friend!
Thanks so much for the vote of confidence, y'all! Without your words of support, I would've been a nervous, angsty wreck!
posted by chara at 9:58 PM on April 16, 2011
I happened to run into the ex on Friday night at a concert and we chatted for a bit, so I said "Hey, by the way, I'm thinking about going to the jam session tomorrow. Are you going? (Yes) I just wanted to let you know, so it won't be weird. (It's fine. No big deal.)
I went tonight and it was mostly fine! I showed up a few hours before he did, so some people asked me where he was, which was a little awkward, but I handled it gracefully. When he did show up, we didn't say hello or talk to each other much, only when necessary, but I had a great time with everyone else and I made a new friend!
Thanks so much for the vote of confidence, y'all! Without your words of support, I would've been a nervous, angsty wreck!
posted by chara at 9:58 PM on April 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:08 AM on April 14, 2011 [3 favorites]