stand back, he bites
April 11, 2011 3:38 PM   Subscribe

What happens when the tooth fairy visits grownups? My SO who's in his 30s is finally getting some gnarled-ass old wisdom teeth pulled. I am looking for hilarious (or sweet) (or hilariously sweet) ideas for what a cohabiting Tooth Fairy might leave under his pillow the next morning.

I'm trying to think of things that he likes that would be good gift ideas - but he likes cooking implements, running gear, Louis CK, Elmore Leonard, and bourbon. I'm not sure any of these are the best pillow stuffers for the medicated / disoriented / toothless, and he's already lining up his own Netflix & library queues in preparation. What else? What would make his life funnier or cozier or more bearable for a couple of miserable days? A gift certificate promising to blend him whatever he wants for the next week?!

My personal tooth budget calculus:
my first tooth ever in 1980s: $0.07/tooth
most of my other teeth: $1.00/tooth
teeth pulled + IV anesthesia + sliding off the backseat of the car and slumping onto the floor on the drive home: $10.00/tooth

So I figure I would spend up to $20 a tooth for Mr Gums if the gift is right. Or $2. Or $0.02! I'm open to fun, flat (slip-under-pillowable) ideas. And looking for an excuse to deploy some glitter. Thanks!
posted by sestaaak to Grab Bag (21 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Maybe a novelty coin, such as an oversized fake quarter, since he's so much bigger now.
posted by kindall at 3:45 PM on April 11, 2011

Get the bourbon, and his medication slipped under his pillow and do exactly what you mentioned with a line up cue of great tv shoes and/or movies.

You'd be one great SO!
posted by handbanana at 3:46 PM on April 11, 2011

Best answer: I think you should leave him money in an amusing format, like singles or rolls of change, and perhaps an exhausted note from the tooth fairy informing him she's cutting him off.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:49 PM on April 11, 2011 [6 favorites]

I'd give him an HO-scale hopper car full of aspirins. If my experience counts for anything, he'll need them.
posted by Namlit at 3:51 PM on April 11, 2011

After my wisdom tooth extraction, a friend of mine showed up at the bar with a plastic molar she'd gotten from a gumball machine. It was perfect.
posted by nowonmai at 3:52 PM on April 11, 2011

The tooth fairy gave me Vicodin and wine when I had mine taken out.
posted by zephyr_words at 3:52 PM on April 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

All I wanted after I had my wisdom teeth pulled a couple months ago was sleep, ice packs, and comfy pajamas. And lots of blended soups.
posted by elsietheeel at 4:03 PM on April 11, 2011

How about a condom?
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 4:09 PM on April 11, 2011

How about leaving a replacement tooth? I could send you a cow molar that's the size of a walnut.
posted by hermitosis at 4:14 PM on April 11, 2011

a quarter bag.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 4:16 PM on April 11, 2011

If he hasn't seen it, you could print out this Hyperbole & a Half.

Maybe one of those gel-filled baby teethers that one puts in the freezer?
posted by Morrigan at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

For some reason (IV drugs perhaps?) I asked them to save my tooth for me when I had the last one pulled about a year ago. I have no idea what I am going to do with it, but there are some cool ideas on etsy. A necklace perhaps?
posted by Ochre,Hugh at 4:38 PM on April 11, 2011

A Kruggerand, American Eagle or other U.S. Mint gold coin would be really nice.
posted by bz at 5:57 PM on April 11, 2011

Awww. Don't cover the poor, disoriented boy's pillow with glitter! That will make drugged sleeping so annoying. I like the idea of just putting a bottle of bourbon on the bedside table with a note "from the toothfairy" on it, and then maybe something extra cute under the pillow, like a silver dollar or (forgive me) a sacagawea dollar.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:35 PM on April 11, 2011

Wings+lingerie Tooth Fairy outfit? Little boys get coins, big boys get...
posted by bartleby at 6:55 PM on April 11, 2011

Best answer: Just had mine out Thursday. Still can't open my mouth all the way.
Blended soups. The March/April Cook's Illustrated has a fantastic broccoli-cheese soup recipe. Smoothies- yogurt, a banana and some frozen fruit. Not aspirin (The instructions from my oral surgeon have this in bold italics. No aspirin-containing products.)
As far as things you can slip under the pillow, I'd say books, dvds or comics. Nothing too... challenging. As much as he might like to read an amazing, engrossing epic of the last three hundred years in Central American politics (or whatever), he will probably be too drugged up to get into it. Maybe light fiction he would enjoy but wouldn't pick up for himself? A couple of those reusable cold packs would be good, too.
posted by Adridne at 8:01 PM on April 11, 2011

If you have an ice cream maker, you could attempt to re-create Humphry Slocombe's "Secret Breakfast" ice cream flavor ( = bourbon & corn flakes). Given all the bourbon suggestions, and the fact that ice cream is all you can handle after oral surgery, this seems like a great way to start the day.

Here's a recipe attempt:
posted by pompelmo at 11:45 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

A foreign coin from a place he wants to go? I'd go nuts over a Japanese 5 yen coin.
posted by IndigoRain at 11:57 PM on April 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

A warning over the bourbon. After tooth surgery, dry socket is a risk which is exacerbated by alcohol.

I learned that by trying the brandy treatment.
posted by chairish at 12:29 AM on April 12, 2011

Response by poster: I think chairish is right, there are adverse effects when it comes to sockets and booze, at least for the first few days.

Looks like this is going to be some sort of "naughty fairy waves an immersion blender wand and doles out funny money." Thanks for the suggestions!
posted by sestaaak at 12:25 PM on April 12, 2011

Best answer: I had a long-overdue wisdom tooth extraction 20 hours ago. My husband gave me the best gift of all: total, uncomplaining willingness to do things for me while I was doped up and woozy.

The doctor required someone to stay with me for 24 hours after surgery. No problem: The Fella was so! very! happy! to spend his entire day off just catering to me and looking after me. (And when he realized that my recovery period might be longer than expected, he arranged to take another day off just in case.)

I'm supposed to keep an ice pack on my jaw for 15 minutes, then off 15 minutes, then on, then off. No problem: The Fella is so! very! happy! to set a timer and, when it dings, to swap out my alternating ice packs so there's a fresh one still cold when I'm ready for it. (Incidentally, I planned to buy bags of frozen peas or corn for this purpose; he cleverly bought one of each so we can tell which is which and be sure to alternate, never letting one get warm.)

I'm allowed to take the prescribed painkiller every 4-6 hours and the OTC medication every 8 hours, but I had trouble keeping track at first. No problem: The Fella is so! very! happy! to dole out my meds according to the schedule so I don't accidentally double-dose.

I'm confined to the sofa and am passing the time dopily watching movies. No problem: The Fella is so! very! happy! to let me watch anything I want, even if it's something he wouldn't normally enjoy, because he knows that I need to be distracted more than he needs to be entertained.

I'm not allowed to bend down for several days after the surgery. No problem: The Fella is so! very! happy! to [grab the pudding off the bottom shelf of the fridge/ pick up the book I dropped on the floor/change the DVD in the DVD player on the low shelf].

I had plenty of soft food in the house already (and The Fella helped with that, too, making an extra shopping trip ahead of time and bringing home lots of yummy things I hadn't thought of), but when I decided Indian food sounded great, what did he say? You got it: no problem! He waited until I was recovered enough to be left alone briefly, then zipped out to get it.

That kind of cheerful willingness to do little things --- lots and lots of little things --- is the greatest gift. I was needlessly, irrationally terrified before the procedure (which was a breeze, by the way --- really astonishingly fast and unmemorable thanks to the anesthesia), but The Fella made sure that all the little mundane problems of the recovery period were, well, no problem.
posted by Elsa at 2:21 AM on April 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

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