Polite Dispensation of Elderly Attentions?
April 3, 2011 9:29 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with my elderly gentleman stalker? Story inside.
About a year and half ago, as I was attending a session at my annual professional conference, the elderly man sitting next to me had a stroke. I did what any decent person would do for a stranger, yelled for someone to call an ambulance, waited with him while it came, trying to keep him calm and lucid, saying comforting things. He recovered fine, got my work contact information from a mutual acquaintance, and a couple of weeks later sent me a card, saying essentially “thanks for saving my life.” I replied, saying that I absolutely did not save his life, but that I was happy he was okay, and wished him well.
Over the next few months, he contacted me frequently via cards in the mail, emails, and voicemails, about one contact a week. I returned about every third contact, because I am usually very busy at work. But I did make an effort to return the contact, because I think it is good to be polite to elderly persons.
As the annual conference neared again, he asked if he could take me to a “thank you” dinner during the conference. Though I protested that he didn’t need to keep thanking me, I didn’t know how to politely decline and I agreed. As he met me for dinner, he presented me with flowers. I thought he was just being old-fashioned and gentlemanly, and just went with it. But I rushed a little through dinner because I was getting increasingly uncomfortable, as we lacked much to talk about. As we walked back to the hotel, he shocked me by asking me to join him for a prayer. I guess I was a victim again of my own lack of assertiveness, and agreed to do this with him in a quiet part of the hotel lobby, though I am not at all religious. Again I thought I was just being polite. I was very happy to get that evening over with.
He kept up with the about-weekly contact over the next six months. I returned fewer and fewer of his emails, explaining that I was very busy (I was). I felt that an appropriate timeframe for keeping up this level of contact had passed, and I didn’t feel as bad about not returning his messages. When I did, they were more formal in tone. But he didn’t get the hint, kept it up, and I’ll admit I began to be annoyed. Fast forward to this past December, when he showed up unannounced at my workplace (across the country, on the opposite coast from him). My stomach dropped when he walked through the door, and I was very, very rattled. (I’m not big on surprises.) He ostensibly had a business-related reason for coming to town (he is not retired). I explained that I was very busy, but he seemed a bit put out that I wasn’t able to accommodate him to chat extensively or have lunch on such short notice. I said goodbye to him politely but stiffly and hid in a different part of the building until he left.
Since January he’s been calling both my phone and the front desk of my work to look for me. He sent me kneepads (yes, kneepads) in the mail without any explanation. He sent me flowers for my birthday. I responded with a nice but formal thank-you email (for the flowers). The next week he left me two voicemails, called the front desk, and sent two emails.
He seems benign. He is 82. He thinks I saved his life, despite my protests. I am annoyed and a tiny bit freaked out. What are my obligations here? Should I just put up with this to humor an old man? I have not set clear boundaries because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and can’t think of a polite way to say “please stop calling me” without doing that. How can this situation be resolved without me thinking I caused a lonely old person pain in his last years, but also not being totally annoyed or creeped out?
About a year and half ago, as I was attending a session at my annual professional conference, the elderly man sitting next to me had a stroke. I did what any decent person would do for a stranger, yelled for someone to call an ambulance, waited with him while it came, trying to keep him calm and lucid, saying comforting things. He recovered fine, got my work contact information from a mutual acquaintance, and a couple of weeks later sent me a card, saying essentially “thanks for saving my life.” I replied, saying that I absolutely did not save his life, but that I was happy he was okay, and wished him well.
Over the next few months, he contacted me frequently via cards in the mail, emails, and voicemails, about one contact a week. I returned about every third contact, because I am usually very busy at work. But I did make an effort to return the contact, because I think it is good to be polite to elderly persons.
As the annual conference neared again, he asked if he could take me to a “thank you” dinner during the conference. Though I protested that he didn’t need to keep thanking me, I didn’t know how to politely decline and I agreed. As he met me for dinner, he presented me with flowers. I thought he was just being old-fashioned and gentlemanly, and just went with it. But I rushed a little through dinner because I was getting increasingly uncomfortable, as we lacked much to talk about. As we walked back to the hotel, he shocked me by asking me to join him for a prayer. I guess I was a victim again of my own lack of assertiveness, and agreed to do this with him in a quiet part of the hotel lobby, though I am not at all religious. Again I thought I was just being polite. I was very happy to get that evening over with.
He kept up with the about-weekly contact over the next six months. I returned fewer and fewer of his emails, explaining that I was very busy (I was). I felt that an appropriate timeframe for keeping up this level of contact had passed, and I didn’t feel as bad about not returning his messages. When I did, they were more formal in tone. But he didn’t get the hint, kept it up, and I’ll admit I began to be annoyed. Fast forward to this past December, when he showed up unannounced at my workplace (across the country, on the opposite coast from him). My stomach dropped when he walked through the door, and I was very, very rattled. (I’m not big on surprises.) He ostensibly had a business-related reason for coming to town (he is not retired). I explained that I was very busy, but he seemed a bit put out that I wasn’t able to accommodate him to chat extensively or have lunch on such short notice. I said goodbye to him politely but stiffly and hid in a different part of the building until he left.
Since January he’s been calling both my phone and the front desk of my work to look for me. He sent me kneepads (yes, kneepads) in the mail without any explanation. He sent me flowers for my birthday. I responded with a nice but formal thank-you email (for the flowers). The next week he left me two voicemails, called the front desk, and sent two emails.
He seems benign. He is 82. He thinks I saved his life, despite my protests. I am annoyed and a tiny bit freaked out. What are my obligations here? Should I just put up with this to humor an old man? I have not set clear boundaries because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and can’t think of a polite way to say “please stop calling me” without doing that. How can this situation be resolved without me thinking I caused a lonely old person pain in his last years, but also not being totally annoyed or creeped out?
"Please stop contacting me." Then don't reply to another email/phone call/etc, have the front desk refuse him entry, return his letters and packages to sender. If you feel you must, you can insert some benign excuse to explain why you can no longer be in contact.
You said you don't want to hurt his feelings, but I think setting some clear boundaries will save him future distress.
posted by arnicae at 9:46 PM on April 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
You said you don't want to hurt his feelings, but I think setting some clear boundaries will save him future distress.
posted by arnicae at 9:46 PM on April 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
Once he's made you uncomfortable, you're under no obligation to be polite.
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:46 PM on April 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:46 PM on April 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
Seriously: stop being polite. Tell him not to contact you again, and do not make any sort of excuse. Just point blank: "I need you to stop contacting me." If he does contact you again, call the police. He's taking advantage of your politeness to fuel whatever weird fantasy he has going on in his head, and you're not being kind to him by playing along.
posted by craichead at 9:52 PM on April 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by craichead at 9:52 PM on April 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
You are profoundly uncomfortable, but you are super worried about making him uncomfortable. Try not to worry about that. Stop responding or replying except for one time: "Please stop contacting me." And do not reply no matter what.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:53 PM on April 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 9:53 PM on April 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I have not set clear boundaries because I don’t want to hurt his feelings
Then calling the police, it seems to me, is most certainly not your next step -- I think that would be far more painful, humiliating, and confusing to him to get a call from the cops if you've never actually had a direct conversation with him about the situation.
He's not going to get the message in terms of what you want unless you spell it out, so -- as awkward as it seems -- that's the task at hand. If you can't bring yourself to a single "stop contacting me" sentence, then maybe something along the lines of: "Ed, I am glad I was there for you in your moment of need. However, it is now necessary for me to move on and to end our contact with each other. I wish you well. Goodbye." The key is to not equivocate or give wiggle room or excuses (don't chalk it up to work being busy, for example, or say something like "unfortunately, I have to do this," etc.).
posted by scody at 10:05 PM on April 3, 2011 [44 favorites]
Then calling the police, it seems to me, is most certainly not your next step -- I think that would be far more painful, humiliating, and confusing to him to get a call from the cops if you've never actually had a direct conversation with him about the situation.
He's not going to get the message in terms of what you want unless you spell it out, so -- as awkward as it seems -- that's the task at hand. If you can't bring yourself to a single "stop contacting me" sentence, then maybe something along the lines of: "Ed, I am glad I was there for you in your moment of need. However, it is now necessary for me to move on and to end our contact with each other. I wish you well. Goodbye." The key is to not equivocate or give wiggle room or excuses (don't chalk it up to work being busy, for example, or say something like "unfortunately, I have to do this," etc.).
posted by scody at 10:05 PM on April 3, 2011 [44 favorites]
Best answer: He's not stalking you, he thinks you're his friend. And really, you haven't given him any reason not to think you're his friend. Sure you've been slowly tapering off contact but even then you give excuses and blame it on being busy. If you never tell him you don't want to talk to him how is he supposed to know?
So I think you do still need to be a bit polite, but also clear. Jumping straight from polite friendliness to "stop contacting me" is going to be very abrupt and unexpected from his side. Instead you need to tell him that you don't want to continue the friendship and ask him to please stop sending you stuff or ringing you. But do so gently as someone breaking up with a friend rather than as someone freaking out about a stalker because, again, he has no reason to think that his contact has been unwanted or anything but friendly so far. If he doesn't respect your boundaries once you actually set some then yeah, the 'please stop contacting me' followed by radio silence is warranted, but you need to actually set those boundaries first.
I know setting boundaries will feel kind of horrible from your side but it's going to be a lot nicer than leading him on as you are now. So suck it up and deal with this as politely and nicely as you can.
posted by shelleycat at 10:05 PM on April 3, 2011 [47 favorites]
So I think you do still need to be a bit polite, but also clear. Jumping straight from polite friendliness to "stop contacting me" is going to be very abrupt and unexpected from his side. Instead you need to tell him that you don't want to continue the friendship and ask him to please stop sending you stuff or ringing you. But do so gently as someone breaking up with a friend rather than as someone freaking out about a stalker because, again, he has no reason to think that his contact has been unwanted or anything but friendly so far. If he doesn't respect your boundaries once you actually set some then yeah, the 'please stop contacting me' followed by radio silence is warranted, but you need to actually set those boundaries first.
I know setting boundaries will feel kind of horrible from your side but it's going to be a lot nicer than leading him on as you are now. So suck it up and deal with this as politely and nicely as you can.
posted by shelleycat at 10:05 PM on April 3, 2011 [47 favorites]
Seriously? "Call the police"?
He's an 82-year-old stroke survivor! Even if he were CHASING YOU WITH A CHAINSAW he wouldn't be a danger to you!
He sounds like a lonely old guy with boundary issues.
What harm is there in being nice to him? Tell him you can't take his calls at work. You're extremely busy and may not respond to his emails. You hope he's doing well, but please, stop with the presents. Send him a holiday card.
Christ, people.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:13 PM on April 3, 2011 [91 favorites]
He's an 82-year-old stroke survivor! Even if he were CHASING YOU WITH A CHAINSAW he wouldn't be a danger to you!
He sounds like a lonely old guy with boundary issues.
What harm is there in being nice to him? Tell him you can't take his calls at work. You're extremely busy and may not respond to his emails. You hope he's doing well, but please, stop with the presents. Send him a holiday card.
Christ, people.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:13 PM on April 3, 2011 [91 favorites]
How can this situation be resolved without me thinking I caused a lonely old person pain in his last years, but also not being totally annoyed or creeped out?
I've been in a similar situation although my older guy insisted on getting my phone number but I 'accidentally' transposed some digits. I just didn't think it was appropriate that someone old enough to be my grandfather was so, um, physically affectionate with me, having just met me, despite what I'd done for him. Then someone else gave him my correct phone number because "he just wanted to take me to a jazz concert".
If he'd stopped trying to shove his tongue down my throat or rub up against me... that might be different.
Suddenly I gained a new (imaginary) possessive boyfriend. I had to tell my elderly suitor that my boyfriend wasn't happy with me keeping in contact with him and we had to cut it off. He accepted that.
He died not long after. I didn't feel guilty because I'd let him down as gently as I could, and his constant phone calls and following me around town had given me the creeps.
(Although to be honest, when I heard about the size of his estate, my inner Anna Nicole Smith wished that I had been immoral enough to hook up with him and reap the benefits.)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 10:17 PM on April 3, 2011
I've been in a similar situation although my older guy insisted on getting my phone number but I 'accidentally' transposed some digits. I just didn't think it was appropriate that someone old enough to be my grandfather was so, um, physically affectionate with me, having just met me, despite what I'd done for him. Then someone else gave him my correct phone number because "he just wanted to take me to a jazz concert".
If he'd stopped trying to shove his tongue down my throat or rub up against me... that might be different.
Suddenly I gained a new (imaginary) possessive boyfriend. I had to tell my elderly suitor that my boyfriend wasn't happy with me keeping in contact with him and we had to cut it off. He accepted that.
He died not long after. I didn't feel guilty because I'd let him down as gently as I could, and his constant phone calls and following me around town had given me the creeps.
(Although to be honest, when I heard about the size of his estate, my inner Anna Nicole Smith wished that I had been immoral enough to hook up with him and reap the benefits.)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 10:17 PM on April 3, 2011
You have to give someone a chance to know your wishes before they have a chance to respect them. He didn't get the hints. Now you have to tell him explicitly.
You don't get the police involved at this point. He's an old fellow who, I'll admit, has done many strange things that I think are odd, but you've never told him to stop.
At this point, the onus is on you to be assertive and tell him that, while you wish him well and are glad he's okay, you'd like these attempts at contact to stop. Until you've told him these things are unwelcome, then they will persist.
posted by inturnaround at 10:18 PM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't get the police involved at this point. He's an old fellow who, I'll admit, has done many strange things that I think are odd, but you've never told him to stop.
At this point, the onus is on you to be assertive and tell him that, while you wish him well and are glad he's okay, you'd like these attempts at contact to stop. Until you've told him these things are unwelcome, then they will persist.
posted by inturnaround at 10:18 PM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
BitterOldPunk brings up something I was thinking, too: is there a level of limited contact you'd be OK with -- say, at the holidays or around the anniversary of the event? You haven't mentioned if he has family, etc., but I wonder if being lonely and perhaps with any lingering post-stroke issues he's come to see you as a kind of proxy family member. In which case, again, it is still your right (and your responsibility) to set clear boundaries, but perhaps those boundaries can be one or two levels more generous than "never, ever contact me again."
posted by scody at 10:20 PM on April 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by scody at 10:20 PM on April 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
He's an 82-year-old stroke survivor!Fuck that. I think it's very likely that he's a creep who hones in on women who have been socialized not to tell him to fuck off and then pretends not to read pretty clear signals that his behavior is inappropriate. This is common behavior among old men not because they're old, but because they came of age in an era when there were a lot of nice, sweet, polite women who were trained that it wasn't ladylike to be assertive. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled this kind of shit when he was 40, too.
You owe him nothing. Tell him to go away.
posted by craichead at 10:23 PM on April 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
Let's not forget that strokes and dementia can alter behavior.
I'm with the "you have to establish boundaries before you can expect them to be respected" crowd.
He thinks you saved his lifer, he's trying to show his gratitude, you're (from his standpoint) acting prickly. You have to lwet me know that what he (probably) thinks is courtly is coming off as creepy.
posted by orthogonality at 10:27 PM on April 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm with the "you have to establish boundaries before you can expect them to be respected" crowd.
He thinks you saved his lifer, he's trying to show his gratitude, you're (from his standpoint) acting prickly. You have to lwet me know that what he (probably) thinks is courtly is coming off as creepy.
posted by orthogonality at 10:27 PM on April 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm six years younger than this man and I can tell you he was socialized in an entirely different world. He sounds like an old fashioned kind of person who believes you are a god-fearing, kindly woman and perhaps that God has blessed him by bringing you like an angel into his life. Not taking seriously the demurring remarks women make when they are trying to put people off is completely what I would expect from a man his age.
He might be a little confused and not get your hints but you don't say that he has been physically/sexually aggressive or even that he has made inappropriate remarks. If he hasn't, he isn't trying to pain you in any way. He's just an old man and thinks he's being nice.
If you really want him to just go away and never contact you again, you are going to have to tell him very plainly. You can be plainspoken without being harsh or unkind. If you are very straightforward with him, I think he will do what you say.
posted by Anitanola at 11:15 PM on April 3, 2011 [37 favorites]
He might be a little confused and not get your hints but you don't say that he has been physically/sexually aggressive or even that he has made inappropriate remarks. If he hasn't, he isn't trying to pain you in any way. He's just an old man and thinks he's being nice.
If you really want him to just go away and never contact you again, you are going to have to tell him very plainly. You can be plainspoken without being harsh or unkind. If you are very straightforward with him, I think he will do what you say.
posted by Anitanola at 11:15 PM on April 3, 2011 [37 favorites]
Best answer: You say you didn't save this person's life, but you did. Yes, any decent person would do the same, but there are plenty of people who might not have noticed or had the wherewithal to call for help. You really did save this person's life.
You don't owe them anything, but recognize why they feel so powerfully about this moment. You acted, and you saved them.
When you get old, your circle of friends shrinks. Most or all of your comtemporaries are dead, some of your kids might be too, or they may have lives on the other side of the country.
So, when you meet a new person, and they've done something meaningful in your life, you notice it. Maybe you put more weight on it than someone younger would.
When you get old, sometimes, you're more sentimental than you would be if you were younger. Sometimes, it's because you value kindness more now that you depend on it, sometimes because you are less inhibited or more prone to expressing emotion from either stroke or early dementia.
Given all this, I would consider viewing your acquaintance's behavior differently than the same actions from someone your own age.
posted by zippy at 11:41 PM on April 3, 2011 [15 favorites]
You don't owe them anything, but recognize why they feel so powerfully about this moment. You acted, and you saved them.
When you get old, your circle of friends shrinks. Most or all of your comtemporaries are dead, some of your kids might be too, or they may have lives on the other side of the country.
So, when you meet a new person, and they've done something meaningful in your life, you notice it. Maybe you put more weight on it than someone younger would.
When you get old, sometimes, you're more sentimental than you would be if you were younger. Sometimes, it's because you value kindness more now that you depend on it, sometimes because you are less inhibited or more prone to expressing emotion from either stroke or early dementia.
Given all this, I would consider viewing your acquaintance's behavior differently than the same actions from someone your own age.
posted by zippy at 11:41 PM on April 3, 2011 [15 favorites]
I would go for something in between "call the police" and "tell him you're busy again and send him a Christmas card later". The former is ridiculous and the latter will not change anything. He obviously thinks he owes his life to you. He probably doesn't have much else to do with himself, at his age. You need to tell him in no unclear words that he needs to live his own life and adopting you as his life's purpose is not an acceptable substitute. It's tough to break it to someone that they are no longer welcome in your life, but you can't avoid the issue any longer.
posted by shii at 11:46 PM on April 3, 2011
posted by shii at 11:46 PM on April 3, 2011
Uh... I'm pretty sure I meant to put an "if" in that first comment. Sorry about that!
Yeah, obviously the first step is to clue him in. If you don't tell him to stop, it's not a problem with him. If you do tell him, and he doesn't stop, and it becomes a real problem, then...
Don't feel like you need to be extra nice just because he's old. He's still an adult; he might appreciate being treated like one.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:10 AM on April 4, 2011
Yeah, obviously the first step is to clue him in. If you don't tell him to stop, it's not a problem with him. If you do tell him, and he doesn't stop, and it becomes a real problem, then...
Don't feel like you need to be extra nice just because he's old. He's still an adult; he might appreciate being treated like one.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:10 AM on April 4, 2011
The way to respect elderly people is to treat them like PEOPLE. If a 20 or 30 year old guy was behaving like this towards you, what would you do or say? Do that.
In my opinion, that should be to send him a clear message (email, letter or phone) that he is making you uncomfortable. Bring out the imaginary jealous boyfriend if you can't think how else to do it. If he continues past that point, you involve the police.
I think people who are suggesting that he might be "confused" or not well socialised in today's norms are forgetting what you said about him not being retired. If he is still functioning in the business world, then he has no excuse. Seriously.
posted by lollusc at 2:05 AM on April 4, 2011
In my opinion, that should be to send him a clear message (email, letter or phone) that he is making you uncomfortable. Bring out the imaginary jealous boyfriend if you can't think how else to do it. If he continues past that point, you involve the police.
I think people who are suggesting that he might be "confused" or not well socialised in today's norms are forgetting what you said about him not being retired. If he is still functioning in the business world, then he has no excuse. Seriously.
posted by lollusc at 2:05 AM on April 4, 2011
Poor guy. Would it really be so much trouble to stay his friend but set firm boundaries about not calling you at work, etc?
posted by timsneezed at 2:19 AM on April 4, 2011
posted by timsneezed at 2:19 AM on April 4, 2011
When I think of kneepads, I can only think of gardening or blowjobs.
posted by leigh1 at 2:25 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by leigh1 at 2:25 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would have interpreted kneepads as a kind of religious joke about kneeling to pray, nothing sexual
posted by compound eye at 2:59 AM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by compound eye at 2:59 AM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Old people are PEOPLE first, and old, second.
This isn't about being old, it's about being people. The issue is your inability to deal with people, isn't it? He MAY have a problem, but it's less of a problem for him than your problem is for you, it appears.
Get OLD out of the equation, and perhaps you'll be more effective with this. How are you going to deal with kindly deflecting undesired relationship requests? It is going to happen again. Maybe even with boys your own age.
Funny thing... one day, perhaps when you are 82, maybe you'll want a friend. Maybe you'll be better at dealing with it than he is, or maybe you'll run into a 20-30-40 something kid who thinks you are a nuisance, useless, and culturally inappropriate or a horny cougar. When the situation is reversed, how do you think it will make you feel? How would YOU like to be treated? Why should you not extend to him at least the very same level of humanity that you would expect of him if your roles were reversed?
No answers here... just questions. We all get old. Sometimes, we get nicer in the process, and sometimes, we don't.
posted by FauxScot at 3:33 AM on April 4, 2011 [10 favorites]
This isn't about being old, it's about being people. The issue is your inability to deal with people, isn't it? He MAY have a problem, but it's less of a problem for him than your problem is for you, it appears.
Get OLD out of the equation, and perhaps you'll be more effective with this. How are you going to deal with kindly deflecting undesired relationship requests? It is going to happen again. Maybe even with boys your own age.
Funny thing... one day, perhaps when you are 82, maybe you'll want a friend. Maybe you'll be better at dealing with it than he is, or maybe you'll run into a 20-30-40 something kid who thinks you are a nuisance, useless, and culturally inappropriate or a horny cougar. When the situation is reversed, how do you think it will make you feel? How would YOU like to be treated? Why should you not extend to him at least the very same level of humanity that you would expect of him if your roles were reversed?
No answers here... just questions. We all get old. Sometimes, we get nicer in the process, and sometimes, we don't.
posted by FauxScot at 3:33 AM on April 4, 2011 [10 favorites]
Great podcast here concerning profound personality changes in a stroke survivor.
posted by telstar at 4:13 AM on April 4, 2011
posted by telstar at 4:13 AM on April 4, 2011
Have the mutual acquaintance who gave him your number in the first place mention that you would like the calls to stop.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:36 AM on April 4, 2011
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:36 AM on April 4, 2011
It sounds like you need to practice assertiveness. As women, we are taught to be sweet and compliant from a young age, and to ignore our instincts in favor of being nice. This situation is raising your internal flags and is in direct conflict with what you've been taught re: compliance.
Practice these phrases in the mirror for the next time he calls you:
"I've been thanked enough. Please stop calling me."
"I don't need you to repay this kindness anymore. Please stop calling me."
"I have moved on with my life. Please stop calling me."
"I cannot accommodate your continued need for contact. Please stop calling me."
"My answer is final. Please respect my wishes."
"It is important that you respect my wishes."
The next email he sends you, you can reply:
"I want to let you know that I won't be reading your emails anymore. I'm glad we had a brief connection, but it is over now for both of us. You should stop sending me emails, because I don't want any more contact with you."
Inform your work - reception, boss, and HR - that you have an unwelcome person who may try to reach you. Your HR probably has a system for handling these things, which they can relay by procedure to your receptionist.
posted by juniperesque at 7:52 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Practice these phrases in the mirror for the next time he calls you:
"I've been thanked enough. Please stop calling me."
"I don't need you to repay this kindness anymore. Please stop calling me."
"I have moved on with my life. Please stop calling me."
"I cannot accommodate your continued need for contact. Please stop calling me."
"My answer is final. Please respect my wishes."
"It is important that you respect my wishes."
The next email he sends you, you can reply:
"I want to let you know that I won't be reading your emails anymore. I'm glad we had a brief connection, but it is over now for both of us. You should stop sending me emails, because I don't want any more contact with you."
Inform your work - reception, boss, and HR - that you have an unwelcome person who may try to reach you. Your HR probably has a system for handling these things, which they can relay by procedure to your receptionist.
posted by juniperesque at 7:52 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your answer is hidden in your question. Say you want to set clear boundaries.
"Dear X:
I am greatful for your thanks regarding my brief assistance in your time of need. However, I feel the need to set very clear boundaries on our communications, as I am a busy person and easily made uncomfortble by a lot of attention, especially for my trifiling assistnce to you. I'm therefore requesting that you limit your contact with me to a single E-mail or card on the date which you fell ill and I briefly assisted you. This will help me set the boundaries I need."
If he contacts you on any other date, call the cops and get a restraining order.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:32 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
"Dear X:
I am greatful for your thanks regarding my brief assistance in your time of need. However, I feel the need to set very clear boundaries on our communications, as I am a busy person and easily made uncomfortble by a lot of attention, especially for my trifiling assistnce to you. I'm therefore requesting that you limit your contact with me to a single E-mail or card on the date which you fell ill and I briefly assisted you. This will help me set the boundaries I need."
If he contacts you on any other date, call the cops and get a restraining order.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:32 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think Anitanola is right. You have been --however politely--compliant and it is too early to call him a stalker. Write and tell him how much contact you *will* accept:
"I am glad that we met and that you are still well. However, I would like us to limit our contact to exchanging cards twice a year--Christmas and the anniversary of your saving him, or whatever suits you... Thank you for respecting my wishes." If he writes/phones to object, respond once with "Please respect my wishes." I suspect that will be the end of it.
posted by uans at 9:17 AM on April 4, 2011
"I am glad that we met and that you are still well. However, I would like us to limit our contact to exchanging cards twice a year--Christmas and the anniversary of your saving him, or whatever suits you... Thank you for respecting my wishes." If he writes/phones to object, respond once with "Please respect my wishes." I suspect that will be the end of it.
posted by uans at 9:17 AM on April 4, 2011
Best answer: Calling the police will likely devastate this man--and I think he doesn't have a clue that he's upsetting you.
You were there during what was likely the most frightening event of this man's entire life, and you helped him through it. Of course he feels a bond with you--even if it's all projected.
So I agree that you're going to have to ask that he not contact you, but do it and then wish him well graciously and sincerely.
posted by yellowcandy at 10:37 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
You were there during what was likely the most frightening event of this man's entire life, and you helped him through it. Of course he feels a bond with you--even if it's all projected.
So I agree that you're going to have to ask that he not contact you, but do it and then wish him well graciously and sincerely.
posted by yellowcandy at 10:37 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think it's also important to remember that for many older people, as they age their worlds become very much smaller. This is why things like changes in packaging on cream cheese are irksome to the elderly in a way they are not to the young.
You likely have a centrality in his world that he obviously does not have in yours. I agree with all of the good advice about clearly setting boundaries, but I would also urge you to do it compassionately. And if you feel badly about that, I would point out that avoiding him actually isn't compassionate. It's hurtful. Clarity is better for you, and kinder for him.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:39 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
You likely have a centrality in his world that he obviously does not have in yours. I agree with all of the good advice about clearly setting boundaries, but I would also urge you to do it compassionately. And if you feel badly about that, I would point out that avoiding him actually isn't compassionate. It's hurtful. Clarity is better for you, and kinder for him.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:39 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh, please don't call the police!
I can't think of anything worse to do. It would most likely crush him. You don't owe him to be his friend or even to talk to him - but seeing as how you have never actually made your wishes known, to just sic police on him is thoughtless and cruel.
posted by Windigo at 10:53 AM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
I can't think of anything worse to do. It would most likely crush him. You don't owe him to be his friend or even to talk to him - but seeing as how you have never actually made your wishes known, to just sic police on him is thoughtless and cruel.
posted by Windigo at 10:53 AM on April 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:33 PM on April 3, 2011 [2 favorites]