My girlfriend is smothering me! How do I deal with this?
April 1, 2011 7:15 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend is smothering me! How do I deal with this?
I have been going out with my girlfriend for a few years, however of late she has become very smothering. I need time for myself and I consider that I give enough time to us, whilst leaving enough for myself.
She seems to guilt me out for anything I do for myself, like seeing freinds and using the internet, when I am out with friends I receive so many messages! The other day I was rewiring my stereo and she was trying make me feel guilty about doing that when I could be spending time with her. I also surf and usually head out one moring a week and the issues this causes are unbelievable, because I could be spending more time with her and laying in.
This is really causing me alot of pain and I have discussed it with her, but it makes no difference. I need some time for myself with out being made to feel guilty for it.
She seems to guilt me out for anything I do for myself, like seeing freinds and using the internet, when I am out with friends I receive so many messages! The other day I was rewiring my stereo and she was trying make me feel guilty about doing that when I could be spending time with her. I also surf and usually head out one moring a week and the issues this causes are unbelievable, because I could be spending more time with her and laying in.
This is really causing me alot of pain and I have discussed it with her, but it makes no difference. I need some time for myself with out being made to feel guilty for it.
Also, don't compromise what you love to do over guilt (or a girl, or anyone for that matter). If you love to surf, go surf. Tell her this is non-negotiable. For me, it's climbing and skiing.
posted by TheBones at 7:22 PM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by TheBones at 7:22 PM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
...however of late she has become very smothering.
We need more details. You say you talked talked to her, but what did you say? What did she say? Did you ask her why she's so smothering recently? If so, what did she say?
Something odd is going on if she hasn't always been like this and conversations with her produce no change or seeming understanding. You need to ask her questions and talk to her and listen to her before you can even start to figure it out.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:36 PM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
We need more details. You say you talked talked to her, but what did you say? What did she say? Did you ask her why she's so smothering recently? If so, what did she say?
Something odd is going on if she hasn't always been like this and conversations with her produce no change or seeming understanding. You need to ask her questions and talk to her and listen to her before you can even start to figure it out.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:36 PM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
She's probably not trying to get you to stop having fun on your own, but you've probably made her think that you prefer surfing to spending time with her.
She's not trying to do anything, I would guess. I think she's trying to communicate that she's worried that you don't like spending time with her or would prefer not to spend time with her.
Are you bothering to explain to her that you surfing or spending the day away from her doesn't mean that you don't prefer her company? Do you only see her when you want sex? How much time are you actually spending with her? Have you two even discussed how much time both of you would like to give to the relationship openly rather than unilaterally deciding what you think is enough time is enough time?
You really need to give her the benefit of the doubt. She's probably not trying to make you feel guilty. She probably just feels worried that by not spending time with her you're telling her you don't enjoy spending time with her.
You guys need to openly and honestly communicate with each other and sincerely try to see the other person's point of view. This issue is really common between men and women, and it's simply a cultural divide: A person may be hurt and get anxious by what she/he perceives as his/her partner's desire to be away from them and wonder why the partner is always itching to get away, while the partner will see the person as being "smothering" and "needy."
If you're going to be a real partner in a real relationship that is based on love, you're going to have to start understanding that a relationship isn't just there to service your needs. You have to attempt to understand how your girlfriend is feeling rather than just dismissing her as some evil person who is interested in smothering you and taking away everything you love. I sincerely don't think she is trying to do that.
posted by anniecat at 7:37 PM on April 1, 2011 [16 favorites]
She's not trying to do anything, I would guess. I think she's trying to communicate that she's worried that you don't like spending time with her or would prefer not to spend time with her.
Are you bothering to explain to her that you surfing or spending the day away from her doesn't mean that you don't prefer her company? Do you only see her when you want sex? How much time are you actually spending with her? Have you two even discussed how much time both of you would like to give to the relationship openly rather than unilaterally deciding what you think is enough time is enough time?
You really need to give her the benefit of the doubt. She's probably not trying to make you feel guilty. She probably just feels worried that by not spending time with her you're telling her you don't enjoy spending time with her.
You guys need to openly and honestly communicate with each other and sincerely try to see the other person's point of view. This issue is really common between men and women, and it's simply a cultural divide: A person may be hurt and get anxious by what she/he perceives as his/her partner's desire to be away from them and wonder why the partner is always itching to get away, while the partner will see the person as being "smothering" and "needy."
If you're going to be a real partner in a real relationship that is based on love, you're going to have to start understanding that a relationship isn't just there to service your needs. You have to attempt to understand how your girlfriend is feeling rather than just dismissing her as some evil person who is interested in smothering you and taking away everything you love. I sincerely don't think she is trying to do that.
posted by anniecat at 7:37 PM on April 1, 2011 [16 favorites]
This is why married men have basement woodshops and garages.
posted by sanka at 8:04 PM on April 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by sanka at 8:04 PM on April 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
I think unfortunately you've left off many important details. You've been with her for a few years -- and...what's next? Are you living together? Are you headed towards marriage? Is she interested in either of those things and perhaps not feeling your commitment?
Are either of you in school and getting close to graduation? Or recently graduated? Or has she been laid off, or is she having trouble at her work?
Since this happened "of late," what else happened of late? What could have inspired this change in her behavior?
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:10 PM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
Are either of you in school and getting close to graduation? Or recently graduated? Or has she been laid off, or is she having trouble at her work?
Since this happened "of late," what else happened of late? What could have inspired this change in her behavior?
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:10 PM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
Since you say you've been together for a few years and this is a new(-ish) development, then there's something else going on here. You say that talking about it doesn't work, but all that says to me is that you have to have a series of different conversations than the ones you've been having.
For example -- and this is just off the top of my head -- perhaps she is feeling that after a few years, it's time for you guys to move in together (if you're not) and/or to get engaged, and she is viewing (probably not even consciously) your interest in your stereo or going surfing as evidence (even as much as it isn't) that you don't want to make a commitment to her. Maybe several of her friends have gotten married lately, or perhaps her family is asking her when you're going to pop the question. So all these things might be putting her in a different zone when it comes to your personal space.
There are, of course, other issues that might be at play here -- it's entirely possible that this isn't about marriage, so I urge you to be open-minded.
This sort of conversation needs to take place when you both feel comfortable and have plenty of time to hear each other -- in other words, not right as you're walking out the door to go surfing. Set aside some time to talk about this -- and frame it as a problem for which you'd like to work with her to find a solution. Let her know you want to better understand what her feelings are needs are so that you can respect them, AND (not "but" -- do not use the word "but" here!) at the same time you need to have your desire for personal time to be understood and respected as well. Your needs and her needs can coexist.
Again, set aside enough time to have this conversation -- you don't want to feel rushed or pressured. Keep your body language open -- be sure you're facing each other, not turned away or closed off (crossed arms, etc). You may want to hold hands while you talk. Establish ahead of time that either one of you can call a timeout if things get heated or you get flustered. The goal here is to see yourselves as being on the same side where you work constructively together, not on opposite sides where one of you wins and the other one loses.
posted by scody at 8:24 PM on April 1, 2011 [26 favorites]
For example -- and this is just off the top of my head -- perhaps she is feeling that after a few years, it's time for you guys to move in together (if you're not) and/or to get engaged, and she is viewing (probably not even consciously) your interest in your stereo or going surfing as evidence (even as much as it isn't) that you don't want to make a commitment to her. Maybe several of her friends have gotten married lately, or perhaps her family is asking her when you're going to pop the question. So all these things might be putting her in a different zone when it comes to your personal space.
There are, of course, other issues that might be at play here -- it's entirely possible that this isn't about marriage, so I urge you to be open-minded.
This sort of conversation needs to take place when you both feel comfortable and have plenty of time to hear each other -- in other words, not right as you're walking out the door to go surfing. Set aside some time to talk about this -- and frame it as a problem for which you'd like to work with her to find a solution. Let her know you want to better understand what her feelings are needs are so that you can respect them, AND (not "but" -- do not use the word "but" here!) at the same time you need to have your desire for personal time to be understood and respected as well. Your needs and her needs can coexist.
Again, set aside enough time to have this conversation -- you don't want to feel rushed or pressured. Keep your body language open -- be sure you're facing each other, not turned away or closed off (crossed arms, etc). You may want to hold hands while you talk. Establish ahead of time that either one of you can call a timeout if things get heated or you get flustered. The goal here is to see yourselves as being on the same side where you work constructively together, not on opposite sides where one of you wins and the other one loses.
posted by scody at 8:24 PM on April 1, 2011 [26 favorites]
I second scody. Definitely no "buts."
posted by DeltaForce at 8:28 PM on April 1, 2011
posted by DeltaForce at 8:28 PM on April 1, 2011
Is there any reason she might be feeling insecure? Dig deep.
This isn't really something I could answer for you.
posted by Elysum at 12:57 AM on April 2, 2011
This isn't really something I could answer for you.
posted by Elysum at 12:57 AM on April 2, 2011
There are four types of time in a relationship:
- Time together with friends - where we, as a couple, hang out together with our couple friends.
- Time together alone - where we hang out together.
- Time alone with friends - where we each, as individuals, hang out with our respective friends without our other half.
- Time alone - where we each spend time by ourselves.
Time together with friends (e.g. a dinner party) is important because we get to see other couples interacting, to discuss that to which only couples can relate, and to enjoy ourselves as a couple socially. Time together alone (e.g. dinner for two) is important because we get to know each other and grow closer. Time alone with friends (e.g. guys' night out) is important so that we learn to balance our time both in and out of our relationship. Time alone (e.g. solo activity) is important for us to reflect and recharge.
The balance of these four is critical - if any of these are in too large a proportion, resentment will eventually creep in.
Wanting to go off by yourself and fix the stereo (or surf one morning a week) is clearly the fourth, you're recharging. Does she have a similar solo thing that she does? Relate to her that this is your way to do the same thing.
Voluminous contact while you're out with your friends denies you the third - you're not balancing your in and out time, she remains foremost on your mind (because she's inserting herself there).
But conversely, are you giving her what she would consider an appropriate level of both kinds of together time?
Do you encourage her to refill her batteries, not so that you have an afternoon off to hang with your boys, but so that she comes home rejuvenated? Is your social life a mix of mutual friends, or do you take her out with your friends?
posted by panmunjom at 2:18 AM on April 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
- Time together with friends - where we, as a couple, hang out together with our couple friends.
- Time together alone - where we hang out together.
- Time alone with friends - where we each, as individuals, hang out with our respective friends without our other half.
- Time alone - where we each spend time by ourselves.
Time together with friends (e.g. a dinner party) is important because we get to see other couples interacting, to discuss that to which only couples can relate, and to enjoy ourselves as a couple socially. Time together alone (e.g. dinner for two) is important because we get to know each other and grow closer. Time alone with friends (e.g. guys' night out) is important so that we learn to balance our time both in and out of our relationship. Time alone (e.g. solo activity) is important for us to reflect and recharge.
The balance of these four is critical - if any of these are in too large a proportion, resentment will eventually creep in.
Wanting to go off by yourself and fix the stereo (or surf one morning a week) is clearly the fourth, you're recharging. Does she have a similar solo thing that she does? Relate to her that this is your way to do the same thing.
Voluminous contact while you're out with your friends denies you the third - you're not balancing your in and out time, she remains foremost on your mind (because she's inserting herself there).
But conversely, are you giving her what she would consider an appropriate level of both kinds of together time?
Do you encourage her to refill her batteries, not so that you have an afternoon off to hang with your boys, but so that she comes home rejuvenated? Is your social life a mix of mutual friends, or do you take her out with your friends?
posted by panmunjom at 2:18 AM on April 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
Is she okay? Has something changed for her lately at work or school? Is there anything going on with her family?
I get clingy when I feel insecure; and not necessarily insecure about my relationship. I find that I become annoying and get rebuffed, which makes me feel more insecure and more clingy. What helps is to sit down and have a talk where he says "You have been more needy than usual lately. I love you and enjoy our time together but I have things that I like to do on my own, and I know you understand that I need that. Are you feeling sad about something?"
It's important to address the issue directly and not just get annoyed at her for getting in the way of your you time.
If it doesn't stop after that then there is a big problem.
posted by teraspawn at 3:16 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
I get clingy when I feel insecure; and not necessarily insecure about my relationship. I find that I become annoying and get rebuffed, which makes me feel more insecure and more clingy. What helps is to sit down and have a talk where he says "You have been more needy than usual lately. I love you and enjoy our time together but I have things that I like to do on my own, and I know you understand that I need that. Are you feeling sad about something?"
It's important to address the issue directly and not just get annoyed at her for getting in the way of your you time.
If it doesn't stop after that then there is a big problem.
posted by teraspawn at 3:16 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, I know I used the words "needy" and "clingy" but find alternatives to using either of those words when you are having this discussion.
posted by teraspawn at 3:17 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by teraspawn at 3:17 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
Listen to this interview. It would be only fair if the girlfriend does, too. I could bet it would give leads to unraveling the issue.
posted by Jurate at 3:56 AM on April 2, 2011
posted by Jurate at 3:56 AM on April 2, 2011
What teraspawn said, exactly. You need to bring this up with her again, in a non-judgey and non-fighty way. She is probably aware of this bothering you but she might not be able to help it. Something like, "hon, you seem nervous lately when we aren't spending 100% of our time together. This isn't like you, and I'm not sure what has changed. Can we talk about it?".
If she gets defensive, (which may happen), explain your side: I need to be able to be by myself sometimes and work on things. It's not because I don't love you or don't like being with you. It's something I want and need in the relationship. How can we make this better?
In the meantime, each time that she tries to make you feel guilty (i.e. "Oh, you're fixing your stereo? Huh. Must be more fun than me...) don't placate her or she'll associate her bad behavior with soothing words and pleasantry. Look her in the eye and say "i love you, but I don't like when you make me feel guilty for spending time on something that isn't you. Please don't do that." Repeat as necessary and hold your ground.
This is something that is worth defending.
posted by amicamentis at 4:14 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
If she gets defensive, (which may happen), explain your side: I need to be able to be by myself sometimes and work on things. It's not because I don't love you or don't like being with you. It's something I want and need in the relationship. How can we make this better?
In the meantime, each time that she tries to make you feel guilty (i.e. "Oh, you're fixing your stereo? Huh. Must be more fun than me...) don't placate her or she'll associate her bad behavior with soothing words and pleasantry. Look her in the eye and say "i love you, but I don't like when you make me feel guilty for spending time on something that isn't you. Please don't do that." Repeat as necessary and hold your ground.
This is something that is worth defending.
posted by amicamentis at 4:14 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
But if the conversations don't work and you can't pinpoint an understandable cause (ie, stress at work, depression, family problems, friend problems) for her anxieties, this is definitely a red flag.
Another question--does she like to spend time by herself?
posted by Frowner at 5:37 AM on April 2, 2011
Another question--does she like to spend time by herself?
posted by Frowner at 5:37 AM on April 2, 2011
A lot of great advice in this thread, but I want to point out that the language in this question - smothering, clinginess, saying that she's 'trying to make you feel guilty' - is way judgemental. No one *wants* to be clingy or smothering, but anxieties and insecurity can drive people to act in whacky ways.
Ask yourself - does it matter to you that your girlfriend is anxious and distressed? Do you want to find a way to ease her distress while giving you what you need? Or are you just done with the relationship now? Because there's no magic 'off' button for insecurity.
posted by nerdfish at 6:31 AM on April 2, 2011 [11 favorites]
Ask yourself - does it matter to you that your girlfriend is anxious and distressed? Do you want to find a way to ease her distress while giving you what you need? Or are you just done with the relationship now? Because there's no magic 'off' button for insecurity.
posted by nerdfish at 6:31 AM on April 2, 2011 [11 favorites]
the young rope-rider: "This kind of gradual increase in controlling behavior is a red flag that this is heading in an abusive (or at least overly controlling) direction. Whether or not she is insecure, it is absolutely not okay for her to bombard you with text messages while you are out with your friends. It is not okay for her to expect you to prioritize her over everything else in your life. It is not okay for her to slowly insist that you give up activities that you've enjoyed without issue for years.
I don't believe that it's necessarily your fault or that you've made her do it by surfing too much or not marrying her.
If she's unable to get a handle on this kind of behavior--the obsessive texting, the guilt tripping--and your communication does not improve--you should strongly consider getting out of this relationship"
And the young rope-rider comes in for the win !! A thousand times, every word in this response, it's dead on.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:00 PM on April 2, 2011
I don't believe that it's necessarily your fault or that you've made her do it by surfing too much or not marrying her.
If she's unable to get a handle on this kind of behavior--the obsessive texting, the guilt tripping--and your communication does not improve--you should strongly consider getting out of this relationship"
And the young rope-rider comes in for the win !! A thousand times, every word in this response, it's dead on.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:00 PM on April 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by TheBones at 7:20 PM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]