Give me a hand!
March 29, 2011 9:38 PM Subscribe
A friend, Jim, who is in his late 30s, doesn't seem to want to shake my hand.
This sounds silly, but I'm genuinely puzzled, especially as it has happened twice. Is there some tradition out there where a woman can't shake a man's hand?
On the first occasion, it was at Jim's wedding and he was shaking hands with people after the ceremony. He shook my husband's hand, and then when I offered my hand in congratulations, he didn't take it and moved on to the next man. I thought that was weird, but didn't notice then if any other women had the same experience.
We recently had lunch with a group of friends, including Jim, and as he lives out of town now, there was much shaking of hands when lunch was over. Again I went to shake his hand and he wouldn't take it.
Am I unaware of some sort of etiquette? Social faux pas? I can't figure this out as I have shaken many a man's hand and I can't think of any other time where my gesture was refused. Thanks!
This sounds silly, but I'm genuinely puzzled, especially as it has happened twice. Is there some tradition out there where a woman can't shake a man's hand?
On the first occasion, it was at Jim's wedding and he was shaking hands with people after the ceremony. He shook my husband's hand, and then when I offered my hand in congratulations, he didn't take it and moved on to the next man. I thought that was weird, but didn't notice then if any other women had the same experience.
We recently had lunch with a group of friends, including Jim, and as he lives out of town now, there was much shaking of hands when lunch was over. Again I went to shake his hand and he wouldn't take it.
Am I unaware of some sort of etiquette? Social faux pas? I can't figure this out as I have shaken many a man's hand and I can't think of any other time where my gesture was refused. Thanks!
I would ask Jim.
As far as I'm concerned, Jim's the one committing the faux pas here, but he may have some reason for it.
posted by kavasa at 9:42 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
As far as I'm concerned, Jim's the one committing the faux pas here, but he may have some reason for it.
posted by kavasa at 9:42 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Is there some tradition out there where a woman can't shake a man's hand?There are some, yeah. I assume you know Jim's religion, since you went to his wedding. Was it a religious wedding? If so, which religion?
posted by craichead at 9:47 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've heard that some very devout muslims do not shake hands with the opposite sex for religious/cultural reasons (I assume such traditions also exist in other religions/cultures). You'd probably have noticed if your friend had suddenly become very religious though...
posted by The Toad at 9:48 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by The Toad at 9:48 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cooties are the only rational explanation.
I grew up in the south, and while it's not customary (or cool) for a man to not shake a woman's hand, it does happen occasionally. And it happens with older-dude-accustomed-to-the-patriarchy sorts of guys. Men get a handshake, and women get a friendly nod or some weird, half-assed hand grab. If Jim is giving you a friendly nod or some other acknowledgement (and not outright ignoring you), then yeah, I would guess it's part of his personal etiquette/tradition.
(It's really strange when you encounter a woman who's been brought up like that, not to shake hands like a normal person, but to extend a dainty little hand to you--for what, grabbing awkwardly? kissing? This has happened to me a few times (I'm a chick), and it's always ended in an extremely awkward attempt to re-route their hand into a normal shake.)
posted by phunniemee at 9:48 PM on March 29, 2011 [6 favorites]
I grew up in the south, and while it's not customary (or cool) for a man to not shake a woman's hand, it does happen occasionally. And it happens with older-dude-accustomed-to-the-patriarchy sorts of guys. Men get a handshake, and women get a friendly nod or some weird, half-assed hand grab. If Jim is giving you a friendly nod or some other acknowledgement (and not outright ignoring you), then yeah, I would guess it's part of his personal etiquette/tradition.
(It's really strange when you encounter a woman who's been brought up like that, not to shake hands like a normal person, but to extend a dainty little hand to you--for what, grabbing awkwardly? kissing? This has happened to me a few times (I'm a chick), and it's always ended in an extremely awkward attempt to re-route their hand into a normal shake.)
posted by phunniemee at 9:48 PM on March 29, 2011 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Ah, I'm too embarrassed to ask Jim :-) He is a Catholic.
Nope - no hugging, waving or any other contact at all.
posted by Calzephyr at 9:49 PM on March 29, 2011
Nope - no hugging, waving or any other contact at all.
posted by Calzephyr at 9:49 PM on March 29, 2011
The musician Matisyahu apparently doesn't shake the hand of a woman out of a religious prohibition on touching a woman who is not your wife. So it does exist, yeah.
Doesn't mean he shouldn't politely decline.
posted by inturnaround at 9:50 PM on March 29, 2011
Doesn't mean he shouldn't politely decline.
posted by inturnaround at 9:50 PM on March 29, 2011
He is a Catholic.In that case, I've got nothing. Orthodox Jews don't generally touch non-relatives of the opposite sex, but I don't think there's anything similar for Catholics!
posted by craichead at 9:51 PM on March 29, 2011
Response by poster: (It's really strange when you encounter a woman who's been brought up like that, not to shake hands like a normal person, but to extend a dainty little hand to you--for what, grabbing awkwardly? kissing? This has happened to me a few times (I'm a chick), and it's always ended in an extremely awkward attempt to re-route their hand into a normal shake.)
I have had this happen once too, and it was extremely awkward! To make matters worse, I'm a lefty, and I totally fubared the whole thing :-P Most of the time I am thinking "Shake with the OTHER RIGHT".
posted by Calzephyr at 9:52 PM on March 29, 2011
I have had this happen once too, and it was extremely awkward! To make matters worse, I'm a lefty, and I totally fubared the whole thing :-P Most of the time I am thinking "Shake with the OTHER RIGHT".
posted by Calzephyr at 9:52 PM on March 29, 2011
Do you have some kind of blemish on your hand(s)? Some people are really neurotic about that kind of thing and will not touch someone who has slight eczema, or anything that looks remotely like a wart or something like that, for fear of catching it (even if it's not contagious at all). Even if it's just be a patch of dry skin. So, it might not even be about you being a woman but about Jim being a germophobe...
posted by The Toad at 9:55 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by The Toad at 9:55 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
The very traditional Hasidic Jews who live in New York will never shake the hand of a woman. I am utterly ignorant on the subject, I just know that whenever I was looking for an apartment in New York they'd shake my hand and then politely explain that they couldn't shake my wife's hand for religious reasons.
posted by GilloD at 9:56 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by GilloD at 9:56 PM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My only thought is that this could be some bizarro Seinfeld scenario where he thinks he saw you do something gross with your hand at some point in time and doesn't want to touch you.
I'm not clear on if he has shook hands with other women though. Maybe he hasn't?
The normal etiquette for people that are brought up like that is to shake hands if a woman extends her hand first and you have been offering your hand.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:59 PM on March 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm not clear on if he has shook hands with other women though. Maybe he hasn't?
The normal etiquette for people that are brought up like that is to shake hands if a woman extends her hand first and you have been offering your hand.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:59 PM on March 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
The only thing I can think of (and I'm not saying it's right) is that he expected to shake hands with men and embrace and cheek-kiss women (normal enough) so when you extended your hand (as if to say - no hug for you!) he became uncomfortable and moved on to the next person. Maybe?
posted by moxiedoll at 10:02 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by moxiedoll at 10:02 PM on March 29, 2011
In the social etiquette I 'm used to, pretty much the only time you shake hands with people when you're introduced to them formally, or some other special occasion. I don't shake my friends' hands. I might give 'em five, slap them on the shoulder, hug them or kiss both cheeks (some of my friends are Latin, some are European), but shaking hands would be weird.
He should have shaken your hand in the receiving line. Maybe he was got distracted or the person in front of you had really sweaty palms or something and he needed to air out. The second time, at the restaurant? Maybe he just felt weird shaking everyone's hands, because it's a little odd to shake hands with people you already know in a casual setting.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:10 PM on March 29, 2011
He should have shaken your hand in the receiving line. Maybe he was got distracted or the person in front of you had really sweaty palms or something and he needed to air out. The second time, at the restaurant? Maybe he just felt weird shaking everyone's hands, because it's a little odd to shake hands with people you already know in a casual setting.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:10 PM on March 29, 2011
Does he shake hands with other people? Does he talk to you normally or indicate he might resent you for some reason?
posted by sninctown at 10:13 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by sninctown at 10:13 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As hydrophonic says, some people just don't do a lot of handshaking, and it can be disorienting to have a bunch of people crowding around you with their hands out. Were these obviously deliberate snubs, like he looked at your hand or your face and deliberately passed you up, or did he just overlook you by mistake?
If it does seem to be deliberate, I'd assume it's the same phenomenon that phunnimee and moxiedoll were describing (and which I've also experienced once or twice; I can't think of a time that anyone's actually refused to shake my hand, but there have definitely been times when someone's been surprised that I was expecting it.) and he just handled it awkwardly, not necessarily trying to offend. If it bothers you, you could ask him about. He might not know he offended you.
Interestingly, women shaking hands is not a recent custom. There are scads of examples in older literature of women shaking hands with both men and other women. For example, from Pride and Prejudice (1813):
posted by Commander Rachek at 10:31 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
If it does seem to be deliberate, I'd assume it's the same phenomenon that phunnimee and moxiedoll were describing (and which I've also experienced once or twice; I can't think of a time that anyone's actually refused to shake my hand, but there have definitely been times when someone's been surprised that I was expecting it.) and he just handled it awkwardly, not necessarily trying to offend. If it bothers you, you could ask him about. He might not know he offended you.
Interestingly, women shaking hands is not a recent custom. There are scads of examples in older literature of women shaking hands with both men and other women. For example, from Pride and Prejudice (1813):
Miss Bingley's civility to Elizabeth increased at last very rapidly, as well as her affection for Jane; and when they parted, after assuring the latter of the pleasure it would always give her to see her either at Longbourn or Netherfield, and embracing her most tenderly, she even shook hands with the former. (Chapter 12)
He then shut the door, and, coming up to her, claimed the good wishes and affection of a sister. Elizabeth honestly and heartily expressed her delight in the prospect of their relationship. They shook hands with great cordiality; and then, till her sister came down, she had to listen to all he had to say of his own happiness, and of Jane's perfections[.] (Chapter 55)
As soon as they entered, Bingley looked at her so expressively, and shook hands with such warmth, as left no doubt of his good information; and he soon afterwards said aloud, "Mrs. Bennet, have you no more lanes hereabouts in which Lizzy may lose her way again to-day?" (Chapter 59)
posted by Commander Rachek at 10:31 PM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
He shakes other people's hands but not yours...does he shake other womens' hands? Eh, this is weird. And not a Catholic thing.
posted by desuetude at 10:36 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by desuetude at 10:36 PM on March 29, 2011
This is very unlikely, but I'll throw it out there just in case:
Do you hold your hand out with the palm down? A lot of women do this (they are frequently also the ones who give limp, fingers-only "dead fish" hand-shakes). If Jim was raised in an extraordinarily old-fashioned place, he might have been taught that this is the way a lady signals that she would like her hand kissed rather than shaken, in which case I would not be surprised if he chose to pretend he hadn't noticed. Even if he was taught how to kiss a woman's hand, it's not something he'd have much practice with and not something I would want to try on a new acquaintance unless I knew what I was doing.
posted by d. z. wang at 10:40 PM on March 29, 2011
Do you hold your hand out with the palm down? A lot of women do this (they are frequently also the ones who give limp, fingers-only "dead fish" hand-shakes). If Jim was raised in an extraordinarily old-fashioned place, he might have been taught that this is the way a lady signals that she would like her hand kissed rather than shaken, in which case I would not be surprised if he chose to pretend he hadn't noticed. Even if he was taught how to kiss a woman's hand, it's not something he'd have much practice with and not something I would want to try on a new acquaintance unless I knew what I was doing.
posted by d. z. wang at 10:40 PM on March 29, 2011
Some men are in fact weirded out by the practice of shaking hands with women.
I myself am not a big handshaker of both men and women, and don't really like to kiss people on the cheek so I am not one to talk.
However, ignoring your hand when you've extended it is just rude.
posted by mleigh at 10:42 PM on March 29, 2011
I myself am not a big handshaker of both men and women, and don't really like to kiss people on the cheek so I am not one to talk.
However, ignoring your hand when you've extended it is just rude.
posted by mleigh at 10:42 PM on March 29, 2011
also a shot in the dark....but could it be he is attracted to you, so subconsciously (or not) avoiding your touch? (sometimes people avoid touching the object of their attraction for various reasons).
posted by bearette at 10:43 PM on March 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by bearette at 10:43 PM on March 29, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: If he shakes other people's hands and not yours, it is odd. But if he does not shake other women's hands it would make sense. Many men do not. It is not a religious thing. Men shaking women's hands is not always done. I frequently do not shake men's hands. Although I know and work men and women who are bisexual shakers, I tend to avoid it. I was brought up in NYC. I still feel weird shaking men's hands and don't offer mine.
As for the receiving line, yeah, he should have shook your hand and/or hug. That is was receiving lines are for.
posted by wandering_not_lost at 10:44 PM on March 29, 2011
As for the receiving line, yeah, he should have shook your hand and/or hug. That is was receiving lines are for.
posted by wandering_not_lost at 10:44 PM on March 29, 2011
I have some male friends who always hug me then shake my husband's hand. I generally giggle and say to my husband "nya nya I got a hug!". But shaking your husband's hand then just cutting you? That's not tradition or whatever, that's rude.
posted by shelleycat at 10:55 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by shelleycat at 10:55 PM on March 29, 2011
Oh, and in the cases I've mentioned it's not a case of refusing to shake my hand, but one of not wanting to hug my husband (some guys apparently don't like to hug other guys, and yes, I've specifically asked). I don't know what would happen if I offered my hand, I'd probably get both a handshake and a hug.
posted by shelleycat at 10:57 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by shelleycat at 10:57 PM on March 29, 2011
Not that it's very likely to apply here, given that Jim is Catholic, but the term for the practice carried out by some (but definitely not all, and I'd guess not even a majority, of Orthodox Jews) that people are referring to is Shomer Negiah. (Unless Jim is like Ned Flanders, who told god he kept kosher "just to be on the safe side.")
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:27 PM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:27 PM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's really strange when you encounter a woman who's been brought up like that, not to shake hands like a normal person, but to extend a dainty little hand to you--for what, grabbing awkwardly? kissing?
I think you clasp it with one hand but instead of going on to kiss it, or like help her step down from the carriage or whatever the hell, you put your other hand on top of her hand and sort of clasp it for a moment while you say something very polite and sincere and flattering. "I'm very glad you can make it." Then get the hell away.
posted by fleacircus at 12:27 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you clasp it with one hand but instead of going on to kiss it, or like help her step down from the carriage or whatever the hell, you put your other hand on top of her hand and sort of clasp it for a moment while you say something very polite and sincere and flattering. "I'm very glad you can make it." Then get the hell away.
posted by fleacircus at 12:27 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Could he have touch aversion?
This is often associated with Asperger's syndrome.
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 3:46 AM on March 30, 2011
This is often associated with Asperger's syndrome.
posted by Sockpuppets 'R' Us at 3:46 AM on March 30, 2011
It might not be a gender-relations-etiquette thing that is actually part of Jim's world, but he may mistakenly think it is.
He may also have an insanely-paranoid-jealous wife/girlfriend who regularly yells at him for any interaction with any woman she perceives as prettier than her or otherwise threatening.
posted by K.P. at 3:50 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
He may also have an insanely-paranoid-jealous wife/girlfriend who regularly yells at him for any interaction with any woman she perceives as prettier than her or otherwise threatening.
posted by K.P. at 3:50 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
I know a Christian couple who follow strict rules (of their own making?) with regards to the opposite sex. The rule I heard about was the husband not being alone in a room with women -- I could see someone who has that rule extending it to not touching any woman but his wife, as a precaution to the possibility of feeling an attraction. But, like the Hasidic Jew mentioned above, I would hope that he had some kind of communication to smooth the social awkwardness.
Not the case here, but I've also known devout Muslim men who will not look at a woman. One walked into the waiting room to meet his wife and, as I was explaining that she'd been taken back to an office, I got all weirded out because he started to turn to me and then quickly turned his body half away, and his head all the way around. And then he said 'thank you' and walked out. It felt so odd that it's a 30 second interaction that's stuck in my mind, 7 years later.
posted by MeiraV at 5:29 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not the case here, but I've also known devout Muslim men who will not look at a woman. One walked into the waiting room to meet his wife and, as I was explaining that she'd been taken back to an office, I got all weirded out because he started to turn to me and then quickly turned his body half away, and his head all the way around. And then he said 'thank you' and walked out. It felt so odd that it's a 30 second interaction that's stuck in my mind, 7 years later.
posted by MeiraV at 5:29 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Traditionally a man is not supposed to shake hands with a woman. Only with other men.
I generally find it a bit weird (as a man) to shake hands with women, I don't refuse but do feel i'm kind of breaking some rule of etiquette.
And I will shake the hand of most friends as a greeting. just old school I guess.
posted by mary8nne at 5:51 AM on March 30, 2011
I generally find it a bit weird (as a man) to shake hands with women, I don't refuse but do feel i'm kind of breaking some rule of etiquette.
And I will shake the hand of most friends as a greeting. just old school I guess.
posted by mary8nne at 5:51 AM on March 30, 2011
He may think that his manly iron grip would crush your delicate womanly hand. He was sparing you undue pain! After all there are men out there who think that hand shaking is a squeezing contest.
posted by Max Power at 6:23 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Max Power at 6:23 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Do you have some kind of blemish on your hand(s)?
Nope, it is a fine right hand with nicely trimmed nails.
My only thought is that this could be some bizarro Seinfeld scenario where he thinks he saw you do something gross with your hand at some point in time and doesn't want to touch you.
That seems pretty plausible, because I can't think of anything else either :-D I can't think of what I could have done as I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have like, picked my nose around him :-D
He doesn't like you.
Well, considering we have been friends for over a decade, all other indicators point to that he does like me.
Could he have touch aversion?
No, I don't think it's that.
Max Power, GilloD...you made me LOL :-)
posted by Calzephyr at 6:59 AM on March 30, 2011
Nope, it is a fine right hand with nicely trimmed nails.
My only thought is that this could be some bizarro Seinfeld scenario where he thinks he saw you do something gross with your hand at some point in time and doesn't want to touch you.
That seems pretty plausible, because I can't think of anything else either :-D I can't think of what I could have done as I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have like, picked my nose around him :-D
He doesn't like you.
Well, considering we have been friends for over a decade, all other indicators point to that he does like me.
Could he have touch aversion?
No, I don't think it's that.
Max Power, GilloD...you made me LOL :-)
posted by Calzephyr at 6:59 AM on March 30, 2011
Response by poster: Do you hold your hand out with the palm down?
No, I consider myself to be a pretty firm handshaker.
Thanks for all the ideas guys. I didn't know there were so many traditions and customs about hand shaking. It really has been informative and my curiosity has been satisfied. I think he must be more traditional than I always thought and shaking hands with a woman is just not his thing. Etiquette is so fluid these days that it's hard to know what's what. Thanks again!
posted by Calzephyr at 7:07 AM on March 30, 2011
No, I consider myself to be a pretty firm handshaker.
Thanks for all the ideas guys. I didn't know there were so many traditions and customs about hand shaking. It really has been informative and my curiosity has been satisfied. I think he must be more traditional than I always thought and shaking hands with a woman is just not his thing. Etiquette is so fluid these days that it's hard to know what's what. Thanks again!
posted by Calzephyr at 7:07 AM on March 30, 2011
Response by poster: The only thing I can think of (and I'm not saying it's right) is that he expected to shake hands with men and embrace and cheek-kiss women (normal enough) so when you extended your hand (as if to say - no hug for you!) he became uncomfortable and moved on to the next person. Maybe?
I'll have to try that next time!
posted by Calzephyr at 7:09 AM on March 30, 2011
I'll have to try that next time!
posted by Calzephyr at 7:09 AM on March 30, 2011
Well, if you've been friends with him over a decade, perhaps he found it unnecessary to shake your hand. It's sort of a formal thing.
I don't recall ever shaking any of my friends' hands.
I think a lot of more conservative men shake each others hands just out of... I don't know formality.
He probably felt strange shaking a female friend's hand because ordinarily you hug a friend of ten years... but since you were in a formal setting, he probably felt strange doing that. Especially if you were the only female around.
posted by KogeLiz at 7:21 AM on March 30, 2011
I don't recall ever shaking any of my friends' hands.
I think a lot of more conservative men shake each others hands just out of... I don't know formality.
He probably felt strange shaking a female friend's hand because ordinarily you hug a friend of ten years... but since you were in a formal setting, he probably felt strange doing that. Especially if you were the only female around.
posted by KogeLiz at 7:21 AM on March 30, 2011
Response by poster: I think a lot of more conservative men shake each others hands just out of... I don't know formality.
He is a big and little C conservative...as someone else mentioned above, it seems weird to shake hands in a casual setting, but he started the handshaking, which I thought was a little weird. The only other gals around were his wife and mother. I was the only female friend there.
Funny how one can try and deconstruct something that is so fleeting!
posted by Calzephyr at 7:33 AM on March 30, 2011
He is a big and little C conservative...as someone else mentioned above, it seems weird to shake hands in a casual setting, but he started the handshaking, which I thought was a little weird. The only other gals around were his wife and mother. I was the only female friend there.
Funny how one can try and deconstruct something that is so fleeting!
posted by Calzephyr at 7:33 AM on March 30, 2011
I would find it weird to shake a woman's hand after I have already done so upon first meeting. I shake my male aquaintances hands all the time but that's part of the guy code.
Now that I think of it, it is always a little awkward as a male to greet or say goodbye to certain female aquaintances who are hard to read. If we are good friends, I will hug you / give you a kiss on the cheek, but sometimes I am not sure were we stand so I do nothing, not knowing if I am allowed to do the kiss-kiss thing that is so popular outside of the U.S.
Shaking your hand says to me "I have no affection for you so I am going to shake your hand like a stranger"
posted by jasondigitized at 7:59 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Now that I think of it, it is always a little awkward as a male to greet or say goodbye to certain female aquaintances who are hard to read. If we are good friends, I will hug you / give you a kiss on the cheek, but sometimes I am not sure were we stand so I do nothing, not knowing if I am allowed to do the kiss-kiss thing that is so popular outside of the U.S.
Shaking your hand says to me "I have no affection for you so I am going to shake your hand like a stranger"
posted by jasondigitized at 7:59 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
It is always very rude, throughout the Anglo-Saxon world, to refuse to shake a hand that is offered.
Socially, it's the woman's choice to offer her hand to a man, and the older person's choice to offer the hand to a younger person, senior to junior, etc. Even if you are in a junior position somehow and Jim is senior relative to you, your offering him your hand would only be a solecism. His refusing the hand is a definite insult.
If he has some kind of religious prohibition or psychological aversion to hand-shaking, he should not be shaking hands with anyone. Shaking your husband's hand and refusing yours a moment later is more evidence of insult.
I don't know what his attitude is or what's going on inside his head, but Jim is insulting you greatly, whether he intends to or not.
posted by tel3path at 9:09 AM on March 30, 2011
Socially, it's the woman's choice to offer her hand to a man, and the older person's choice to offer the hand to a younger person, senior to junior, etc. Even if you are in a junior position somehow and Jim is senior relative to you, your offering him your hand would only be a solecism. His refusing the hand is a definite insult.
If he has some kind of religious prohibition or psychological aversion to hand-shaking, he should not be shaking hands with anyone. Shaking your husband's hand and refusing yours a moment later is more evidence of insult.
I don't know what his attitude is or what's going on inside his head, but Jim is insulting you greatly, whether he intends to or not.
posted by tel3path at 9:09 AM on March 30, 2011
Shaking your hand says to me "I have no affection for you so I am going to shake your hand like a stranger"
So ignoring/dismissing her is better? It seems very rude, not to acknowledge her at all. Although I wouldn't jump straight to "he doesn't like you", I would definitely wonder if some misunderstanding/overheard conversation or who-knows-what might have caused him to be upset with you. (What tel3path said, although I don't know about "insulting you greatly".) I think I would be a tad offended and at least ask about it casually at a later time.
What does your husband say, or did you feel silly asking him about it?
posted by Glinn at 10:11 AM on March 30, 2011
So ignoring/dismissing her is better? It seems very rude, not to acknowledge her at all. Although I wouldn't jump straight to "he doesn't like you", I would definitely wonder if some misunderstanding/overheard conversation or who-knows-what might have caused him to be upset with you. (What tel3path said, although I don't know about "insulting you greatly".) I think I would be a tad offended and at least ask about it casually at a later time.
What does your husband say, or did you feel silly asking him about it?
posted by Glinn at 10:11 AM on March 30, 2011
Since we've covered all the other bases, there's one you have to be wierd to understand.
It's possible he has a touch aversion to you because he likes you too much.
Ever found someone so attractive that you avoided them? Not because you were too shy, but because you didn't even want to 'go there' for whatever reason? Some people do that to a neurotic level.
I've known more than one guy with a crush on his best friend's girlfriend to do this to one degree or another. Fine hanging out with both, but being alone with or getting too close the GF causes freakout based on an imagined fear of their self-control suddenly unraveling. I once watched a poor fellow walk down twenty flights of stairs to avoid being alone in an elevator for five minutes with a woman he was inappropriately attracted to.
It is within the realm of possibility that over the years Jim has developed a crush on you, and since nothing good could come of it (what with both of you being married) but you're still friends...he's decided that as long as he doesn't even touch you, everything will be fine.
posted by bartleby at 5:55 PM on March 30, 2011
It's possible he has a touch aversion to you because he likes you too much.
Ever found someone so attractive that you avoided them? Not because you were too shy, but because you didn't even want to 'go there' for whatever reason? Some people do that to a neurotic level.
I've known more than one guy with a crush on his best friend's girlfriend to do this to one degree or another. Fine hanging out with both, but being alone with or getting too close the GF causes freakout based on an imagined fear of their self-control suddenly unraveling. I once watched a poor fellow walk down twenty flights of stairs to avoid being alone in an elevator for five minutes with a woman he was inappropriately attracted to.
It is within the realm of possibility that over the years Jim has developed a crush on you, and since nothing good could come of it (what with both of you being married) but you're still friends...he's decided that as long as he doesn't even touch you, everything will be fine.
posted by bartleby at 5:55 PM on March 30, 2011
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posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 9:42 PM on March 29, 2011