How can I hog all the bandwidth on my home internet connection?
March 29, 2011 12:44 AM Subscribe
How can I hog all the bandwidth on my home internet connection?
First, let me acknowledge upfront that yes, my husband and I are huge dorks.
Here's the scenario: I've discovered that the most efficient way to effectively "page" my husband to the bedroom for sexytimes is to hog the internet bandwidth. He then comes upstairs to inquire as to why his internet is laggy, I wiggle my butt at him, and sexytimes commence.
(Sometimes he's not logged into IM and his ringer is off and I am too warm and snug in bed and too lazy to actually walk downstairs and to the other end of the house to seduce him, so fucking with his internet connection is the next best way to communicate that I'm awake and trying to get his attention.)
So far it seems that running uTorrent is a good but inconsistent method for bandwidth-hogging. What is a better, more consistent way that I can basically flip a switch to instantly tie up all the bandwidth and thus summon him to my love nest?
Thanks in advance!
First, let me acknowledge upfront that yes, my husband and I are huge dorks.
Here's the scenario: I've discovered that the most efficient way to effectively "page" my husband to the bedroom for sexytimes is to hog the internet bandwidth. He then comes upstairs to inquire as to why his internet is laggy, I wiggle my butt at him, and sexytimes commence.
(Sometimes he's not logged into IM and his ringer is off and I am too warm and snug in bed and too lazy to actually walk downstairs and to the other end of the house to seduce him, so fucking with his internet connection is the next best way to communicate that I'm awake and trying to get his attention.)
So far it seems that running uTorrent is a good but inconsistent method for bandwidth-hogging. What is a better, more consistent way that I can basically flip a switch to instantly tie up all the bandwidth and thus summon him to my love nest?
Thanks in advance!
Of course, if you set the ttl on the outbound ping nice and low, then the packets will never reach the far end, so something like:
$ ping -i 0 -n -s 4088 -t 2
(That's ping with 0 interval between packets, no dns lookups, packet size 4088 and TTL set to 2)
Should flood the uplink nicely. Experiment with different TTL values depending on your home network setup: it might be a couple of hops to the border router. You'll need to be root to set internal values < 0.2s (or to use -f for flood ping).
There's a windows ping command with different option names for the same things: look them up if you don't have access to a Unix / Linux / FreeBSD box.
posted by pharm at 1:07 AM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
$ ping -i 0 -n -s 4088 -t 2
(That's ping with 0 interval between packets, no dns lookups, packet size 4088 and TTL set to 2)
Should flood the uplink nicely. Experiment with different TTL values depending on your home network setup: it might be a couple of hops to the border router. You'll need to be root to set internal values < 0.2s (or to use -f for flood ping).
There's a windows ping command with different option names for the same things: look them up if you don't have access to a Unix / Linux / FreeBSD box.
posted by pharm at 1:07 AM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: OK, for starters, I don't know anything about this so I don't know if I'm doing any of this right.
I get error messages when trying pharm's suggestion (and variants):
ping -i 0 -n -s 4088 -t 2
"Bad value for option -i, valid range is from 1 to 255."
ping -i 1 -n -s 4088 -t 2
"Bad value for option -n, valid range is from 1 to 4294967285."
ping -i 1 -n 1 -s 4088 -t 2
"Bad value for option -s, valid range is from 1 to 4."
ping -i 1 -n 1 -s 4 -t 2
"Pinging 0.0.0.2 with 32 bytes of data:
PING: transmit failed. General failure."
[second line repeats]
Tried with -t 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. with no better results.
What am I doing wrong?
posted by Jacqueline at 1:41 AM on March 29, 2011
I get error messages when trying pharm's suggestion (and variants):
ping -i 0 -n -s 4088 -t 2
"Bad value for option -i, valid range is from 1 to 255."
ping -i 1 -n -s 4088 -t 2
"Bad value for option -n, valid range is from 1 to 4294967285."
ping -i 1 -n 1 -s 4088 -t 2
"Bad value for option -s, valid range is from 1 to 4."
ping -i 1 -n 1 -s 4 -t 2
"Pinging 0.0.0.2 with 32 bytes of data:
PING: transmit failed. General failure."
[second line repeats]
Tried with -t 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. with no better results.
What am I doing wrong?
posted by Jacqueline at 1:41 AM on March 29, 2011
Also, I forgot to point out that you need to put an IP address or hostname on the end of the command.
Setting the time-to-live value nice and low means that the packets will never actually get there, so it doesn't really matter what address you use. Pick a google mail server :)
posted by pharm at 1:47 AM on March 29, 2011
Setting the time-to-live value nice and low means that the packets will never actually get there, so it doesn't really matter what address you use. Pick a google mail server :)
posted by pharm at 1:47 AM on March 29, 2011
Can you log into the router or whatever you connect to the outside world with from your computer? Or can you get it set up so that you can do that? Then you can just reboot the router and kill his internet connection for the minute or so it takes to restart. I have an adsl router which can be accessed at http://192.168.1.2/, which I think it a pretty common IP address to assign for this. How you do it will depend on what you're using.
posted by shelleycat at 2:12 AM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by shelleycat at 2:12 AM on March 29, 2011 [2 favorites]
Something like
ping -t -l 65527 -i 3 <hostname>
?
That says to keep sending until interrupted, set packet length to maximum & the ttl to 3. I'm not sure whether you can reduce the time between packets with windows ping though. You may have to experiment.
Also, if Windows firewall is turned on, it blocks pings by default so you'll have to use the ftp method, or punch a hole in the firewall.
posted by pharm at 2:13 AM on March 29, 2011
ping -t -l 65527 -i 3 <hostname>
?
That says to keep sending until interrupted, set packet length to maximum & the ttl to 3. I'm not sure whether you can reduce the time between packets with windows ping though. You may have to experiment.
Also, if Windows firewall is turned on, it blocks pings by default so you'll have to use the ftp method, or punch a hole in the firewall.
posted by pharm at 2:13 AM on March 29, 2011
Shelleycat's idea is a good one. For extra points if you have a suitable router, throttle just his machine :)
posted by pharm at 2:14 AM on March 29, 2011
posted by pharm at 2:14 AM on March 29, 2011
I was going to suggest messing with the QOS on the router, but that QOS seems to work, so a quick reboot of it seems a better idea...
posted by pompomtom at 2:17 AM on March 29, 2011
posted by pompomtom at 2:17 AM on March 29, 2011
Depending on the router you have, you can just temporarily block his mac address (usually from 192.168.1.1 or .2).
posted by jeather at 4:30 AM on March 29, 2011
posted by jeather at 4:30 AM on March 29, 2011
I don't know if this actually works but my husband complains if I watch too many YouTube vids at once. If this is what the issue is, then I would suggest you make a browser bookmark folder called "Sexytimes" with a load of links to a bunch of youtube vids (maybe even sexy youtube vids) and then use a Open All to open all the streams at once.
I have no idea if this would work, but admin-ing a router seems like an easy way for me to spoil my mood. But then again, you admit you guys are huge dorks so maybe that suggestion's a form of foreplay!
posted by like_neon at 4:47 AM on March 29, 2011
I have no idea if this would work, but admin-ing a router seems like an easy way for me to spoil my mood. But then again, you admit you guys are huge dorks so maybe that suggestion's a form of foreplay!
posted by like_neon at 4:47 AM on March 29, 2011
Best answer: download a very popular torrent and set uTorrent with no upload speed cap.
Alternative is to enable remote screen control (VNC), take over his computer and give him a little tour of some filthy porn.
posted by nickrussell at 5:38 AM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
Alternative is to enable remote screen control (VNC), take over his computer and give him a little tour of some filthy porn.
posted by nickrussell at 5:38 AM on March 29, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the router is upstairs close to your bedroom, could you simply unplug the power?
posted by AMSBoethius at 5:39 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by AMSBoethius at 5:39 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Instead of watching lots of YouTube, you could try lots of porn ;)
If he's connected via wireless, you could cover the router with a few layers of foil.
posted by advicepig at 5:43 AM on March 29, 2011
If he's connected via wireless, you could cover the router with a few layers of foil.
posted by advicepig at 5:43 AM on March 29, 2011
You could also use msg.exe (or netmsg.exe)
http://www.petri.co.il/msg-exe-net-send-vista.htm
This will popup a msg on his PC.
posted by zeoslap at 7:36 AM on March 29, 2011
http://www.petri.co.il/msg-exe-net-send-vista.htm
This will popup a msg on his PC.
posted by zeoslap at 7:36 AM on March 29, 2011
This isn't 1994. You're not going to ping him to death and the net message service hasn't been turned on by default in years. Just unplug the damn thing.
posted by damn dirty ape at 7:47 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by damn dirty ape at 7:47 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
What kind of router do you have? My Linksys WRT54G has a soft boot option; you can go to the admin page and tell it to reset. This would shut off the internet for a few minutes.
posted by I am the Walrus at 8:14 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by I am the Walrus at 8:14 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
login to router, terminate/reset his dhcp lease OR do this.
posted by TomMelee at 8:20 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by TomMelee at 8:20 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]
Or you could go low tech - X-10 outlet on the router, wireless X-10 controller by the bed...
posted by nonliteral at 9:19 AM on March 29, 2011
posted by nonliteral at 9:19 AM on March 29, 2011
I agree with the router based suggestions. Another one is to clear the DHCP table of assigned addresses (assuming he's getting his IP address by DHCP from the router) - this will break his internet connection, at least momentarily. And when he reboots / re-requests an address, he'll get a new one.
posted by indigo4963 at 11:57 AM on March 29, 2011
posted by indigo4963 at 11:57 AM on March 29, 2011
The easiest and most sure fire way would be to unplug the router.
posted by mmascolino at 12:43 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by mmascolino at 12:43 PM on March 29, 2011
Our router is in our bedroom. Why don't you move yours?
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:44 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:44 PM on March 29, 2011
Best answer: Install VNC. If you don't know, it basically lets you remote control his PC from yours. Your mouse moves the pointer on his screen, you get to see his screen on your monitor.
Open up VNC, start notepad on his computer and start typing lewd messages. He'll get the idea remarkably quickly...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 3:49 PM on March 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
Open up VNC, start notepad on his computer and start typing lewd messages. He'll get the idea remarkably quickly...
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 3:49 PM on March 29, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you have Macs, you can see his machine in Finder. Click it, then click the Screen Sharing button. Then as nickrussel suggested, give him a little tour of some filthy porn.
posted by mullingitover at 5:06 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by mullingitover at 5:06 PM on March 29, 2011
There are VNC clients for most smartphones. There are also apps like Mobile Mouse that have a phone client and a windows or mac server. They'll let you take control of his mouse, interrupting whatever he's doing.
posted by wzcx at 10:46 PM on March 29, 2011
posted by wzcx at 10:46 PM on March 29, 2011
Unplugging the router might cause some strife, if it disconnects him completely from something important.
Install a bittorrent client, remove the upload and download cap speed limits, and start every torrent on Ubuntu Alternate Downloads.
posted by talldean at 6:45 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Install a bittorrent client, remove the upload and download cap speed limits, and start every torrent on Ubuntu Alternate Downloads.
posted by talldean at 6:45 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Since domestic internet access is usually asymmetric, it's probably easiest to flood the uplink which thanks to the BufferBloat menace will quickly bring all other connections to a screeching halt. Start a bunch of ftp uploads in parallel perhaps? You'll need a friendly machine to connect to at the other end, or the admin may get a little annoyed.
Particularly devious individuals would ping flood some external machine with some nice large ping packets, so that no pesky TCP backoff algorithms get in the way of your sexy times. This *will* annoy whoever runs the machine you're connecting to however.
posted by pharm at 1:01 AM on March 29, 2011 [1 favorite]