What to do when you're long time roommate/friend starts to get on your nerves?

March 24, 2011 2:47 PM

What to do when you're long time roommate/friend starts to get on your nerves?

I've been living with my roommate, for 2 years now. She became a roommate through Craigslist, but we became really really good friends and now have thoroughly overlapping social circles. Between the living together and the friends, we see each other a lot. We have another roommate as well, but roommate #3 isn't home as often, and we're not as close.

For the first year and a half, we seemed to be each other's perfect roommate. We got along super well, seem to be in sync on issues like housekeeping, and just generally enjoyed each others' company. We've come to be super close friends and confidantes.

In the past few months, though, something has shifted. I think we got to a point where we were annoyed with each other for various reasons, but, since we're both non-confrontational, we never really addressed it. Things are better now, but I'm finding myself annoyed with some of her mannerisms... she's sometimes unintentionally a bit condescending (which leads me to have concern for her respect level for me), and can be kind of a martyr sometimes.

In general though, I think it's a certain amount of overexposure that's the problem - I know her so well that I find some of the things about her I'm so familiar with kind of irritating. I think she's also at a point in life where she wouldn't mind living on her own - she spent a lot of time traveling last summer, and got a taste of solo-living. While I would support her in that, if she wanted it, neither of us are in a financial position to move.

So, the question: what's the best way to address this? It's not a terrible situations, by any means, and there are no specific problems, it's just a general feeling. But I don't want my general irritation with her to mess up our friendship, or make me blow up on her one day. Should I bring up the things she's said that I thought were condescending? Have roommate check in time where we share our feelings? Was just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with a friend or roommate and how they handled it.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I think you've answered your own question here. It's a combination of overexposure and a buildup of small irritations. I say try to do a better job of separating your lives, and be upfront about the small things you haven't mentioned. It doesn't have to be a huge confrontation, just a mention should be enough to alert her to the problem(s).
posted by Bebo at 3:02 PM on March 24, 2011

We went through the same thing with a couple of friends a few years back. We were two couple living together and the best of friends. But after two years... well things weren't as smooth. So we moved out, got our own place, and now we are back to being best friends.
posted by Vindaloo at 3:20 PM on March 24, 2011

I lived with the same person for about 8 years and this happened to us more than once. It's just the price you pay when you spend that much time with someone, and it will probably come and go in waves.

For me, it was really more of a familial relationship. I might get mad at or annoyed with her, but it was small potatoes compared to the bulk of our friendship. Kind of like how you might fight with a sibling growing up (I know I did), but at the end of the day, you're still family. Plus, I know I have some annoying habits too, so it all evens out.

We're both pretty sarcastic, so if one of us did the passive-aggressive-joking-but-still-serious thing, the other accepted it with good grace. That may or may not work with you guys. On the flip side, we also occasionally called each other out on our bullshit. Keep the lines of communication open in whatever way will work for the two of you, and that will keep either of your from blowing up one day.

It's also OK to go into your room and close your door, even when the other person is home. Sometimes you just need a break.

For what it's worth, my friend and I have had a few big blowouts and many minor arguments over the last 9 years, but we're still best friends and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
posted by natabat at 3:20 PM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I lived with my roommate for 3.5 years before I had to move away for a job (and incidentally back in with my parents). The only time we ever really, really fought was something about taking out the trash, but that was more because we were both so hungry we were crabby.

This is not to say that we didn't ever get annoyed with one another. Hoo boy. Did we.

1. Go away for the weekend by yourself with friends, but not with her. Don't specifically exclude her because that's weird. You could probably tell her, "I need some time away from here, and I never see [my parents, Jane & Bob, the Rocky Mountains]. See you Tuesday!"

2. Don't let the little things get under your skin, even if that means saying, "Hey, I'm usually not this direct, but we're best friends and we live together - please don't talk to me like that. It's driving me nuts/killing me/whatever you want to call it."

Communicate and separate a little bit.
posted by Medieval Maven at 3:27 PM on March 24, 2011

You might need to take a break. Can you take a vacation, even if that just means going to visit friends for awhile? I lived with 3 other women in a house during my junior and senior year of college and we were all friends. For the most part we got along great, but occasionally we'd get to the point where we'd had enough of each other. Sometimes just going home for a weekend or off to visit friends helped.

About whether you should confront her, I'm going to say no. The fact is, many people get super defensive when you start confronting them about their flaws and it could seriously damage the relationship. You've already said that she unintentionally comes off as condescending. That probably means it isn't an issue of respect, just poor social skills.

Besides that, keep in mind that everyone has mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. It's likely that you do little things that drive her up a wall too.

If you really cannot live with it without saying something, really really try to frame it in terms of your needs rather than her flaws. "I'm kind of sensitive so when you say X, I take it really hard" goes over way better than, "You're really very condescending, could you cut that out?".

Good luck!
posted by katyggls at 3:39 PM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've had a healthy number of roommates over the years, and most of them got on my nerves after a year or so, usually for what I thought were good, but sometimes vague, reasons. Now I live alone and, though I generally prefer it, surprise surprise, I still come home sometimes and get irritated at some random thing. Now, though, it's clear that nobody else is doing this to my mood. In retrospect, I wonder to what extent I was ever really angry at my roommates, or whether they were often a convenient place to direct my irritation.

Point being: Two years is long enough to live with someone that they become sort of a background element in your life. And it's easy to project your dissatisfaction with your own shit onto roommates. After all, roommates are, by definition, kind of annoying. Even the best ones constantly require some small amount of compromise and impose on your privacy a little and leave traces you have to deal with. Every day. It's easy to feel passive aggressive toward someone who's in that role. But pay attention to whether you're really ticked at your roommate or if there's something else going on with you that you might be feeling a little restless or peeved about.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 4:36 PM on March 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

I lived with one of my best friends for many years, half of college and then through 5-6 years in Seattle afterward. We made a good roommate team for all of that, did almost everything together, hung out all the time, and so on. He introduced me to MetaFilter, that's how much I owe him.

But yeah, we got annoyed with each other a decent amount. There would be days when he'd make it clear he didn't want to talk to me because he was pissed off about something, or when I'd just hole up in my room and hope he left me alone. It was usually just little shit, like someone didn't take the trash out and now we have to wait a week, or someone forgot to tape something they said they were going to, or, this one was my favorite, if I packed the dishwasher wrong. I didn't even know that was possible.

I said we lived together for about 6 years in Seattle. It probably would have been about 4, except right as he was planning on moving, I got laid off and he offered to stay around for a year to help me with bills. Then I got rehired like a month later, just after we re-signed the lease, so he was stuck. Then, the following year he got laid off and couldn't afford to move right away, so he had to wait again. I started dating someone and she was over a lot. She also packed the dishwasher wrong.

Even if you can't afford to move, if you're ready to live somewhere else and/or by yourself and you can't, that is going to be very annoying on a base level. My friend would do and has done anything for me, but that didn't mean he wasn't sick of the sight of me for those couple of years. I'd do anything for him, but that doesn't mean I felt like putting up with his crabby bullshit. People get snippy when they get stuck.

So, what can you do? Talk to your friend about whether she's still feeling like the roommate thing is working for her. If she, or you, is starting to feel like maybe it's time to change, formulate a plan to make that happen. Even if you can't afford to do it right now or within the next six months, just knowing that you're winding down the clock on something like that can be a real tension-breaker. Maybe she's been afraid to say something because she doesn't want to sound like she's not your friend anymore.

Or, maybe that's not the case, but there's still some unsaid stuff going on. We know there is, because you have some. The advice is the same: find a time when you're both feeling relatively un-annoyed and have a conversation about what you're sensing and what it means, if anything. If she's not the kind of person who responds well to something like, "Hey, when you said this, it really bothered me," keep it vague: "You know, it seems like we've been a little on edge with each other lately. Does it seem that way to you?" But the first thing to do is to check in with your friend and make this a conversation between the both of you, not an issue you have to resolve by yourself.
posted by Errant at 5:37 PM on March 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

When I was a freshman in college I became best friends with a girl who would remain my closest confidante for the next six years. We were inseperable, had the same major, took the same electives, had the same friends. We would miss each other when we were apart for half a day.

And though most days I could talk to her for hours and never get bored or annoyed, there were some times when after just a few minutes of talking I would get irked by something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

When you are so close to someone, it's bound to happen. It sounds like you really like her as a friend. Just ride it out.
posted by pintapicasso at 6:43 PM on March 24, 2011

This happens with my housemates-- most of the time we get along with no problems, but there are periods where one or another of us, myself included, is annoyed with one or more of the others. And these are long periods, weeks even.

I think that it's what dixiecupdrinking says, that when you spend so much time with someone (or someones) they're almost a background element of life. It's a part of life that you don't think about giving energy to, whereas at work or school or wherever you are always "on." When you come home and relax, I think it's easy to turn "off," and then the more irritating or abrasive elements of your roommate's personality have more of an effect than they would in an "on" situation.

For us the situation usually works out best when the irritated roommate simply takes more time alone and spends time outside of the roommate gathering situations, so that the temptation to snap is minimized.

It might be extreme to think about moving out at this point, so maybe just give it time.
posted by lockstitch at 10:09 PM on March 24, 2011