my life is becoming a cliche.
April 28, 2005 3:26 PM Subscribe
I have this embarassing problem related to being a 40 year old male.
I am a 40 year old married male with four kids. Life isn't bad. But I can feel this midlife crisis just over the horizon, and it's terribly embarassing because it's such a cliche. I want to get a motorcycle, or a miata. I sometimes notice the women at work. I have the urge to get a tacky body piercing, or a tattoo. The thing is, I love my family, don't really want to die in a fiery car accident, cheat on my wife, become a gold-medallioned swinger, join a monastery, etc.
I feel essentially selfish and emotionally retarded bringing this up, because it sounds like such a tacky joke.
So--have you felt a midlife crisis coming on? Any tips for moving past it? Is there a good book on this that I could read? Is there some sort of aversion therapy involving repeated viewings of American Beauty that I need to do? Despite my tone, I really am looking for good advice about this.
I am a 40 year old married male with four kids. Life isn't bad. But I can feel this midlife crisis just over the horizon, and it's terribly embarassing because it's such a cliche. I want to get a motorcycle, or a miata. I sometimes notice the women at work. I have the urge to get a tacky body piercing, or a tattoo. The thing is, I love my family, don't really want to die in a fiery car accident, cheat on my wife, become a gold-medallioned swinger, join a monastery, etc.
I feel essentially selfish and emotionally retarded bringing this up, because it sounds like such a tacky joke.
So--have you felt a midlife crisis coming on? Any tips for moving past it? Is there a good book on this that I could read? Is there some sort of aversion therapy involving repeated viewings of American Beauty that I need to do? Despite my tone, I really am looking for good advice about this.
i think i had mine early, unless it was something else. i bought a bass guitar and amp. it kept me busy for a while. :o)
more generally, i think we all notice "members of the appropriate sex" from time to time. that seems kind of normal.
rather than do stupid stuff that you'd be secretly ashamed of, why not improve how you dress? i think(!) i dress better now than i did several years ago, and (i think, again) my partner appreciates that (being one of those fashion aware foreigners).
also, maybe your partner feels a bit bored too. maybe you can do something cool + new together?
in general - roll with it, but don't be a jerk. you can do that ;o)
(37 yo, 38 in 2 weeks)
posted by andrew cooke at 3:35 PM on April 28, 2005
more generally, i think we all notice "members of the appropriate sex" from time to time. that seems kind of normal.
rather than do stupid stuff that you'd be secretly ashamed of, why not improve how you dress? i think(!) i dress better now than i did several years ago, and (i think, again) my partner appreciates that (being one of those fashion aware foreigners).
also, maybe your partner feels a bit bored too. maybe you can do something cool + new together?
in general - roll with it, but don't be a jerk. you can do that ;o)
(37 yo, 38 in 2 weeks)
posted by andrew cooke at 3:35 PM on April 28, 2005
I was thinking, "Viagra?" before I read the [more inside].
I can see it coming myself (only 30, though). Why not take a good look at your life and see what it is you're looking for, and do it? If you're striving to feel younger, starting to work out is going to make you feel loads younger than a crotch rocket ever will.
Make your desire work for you by subverting it to self-improvement. Travel, perhaps? Learn a language? Train for a marathon/triathalon? Many mid-lifers have the finances they didn't have when they were younger, making many more options open to them. Use them!
Oh, and updating the wardrobe isn't a bad idea, either. Pay someone who knows what they're doing to set you up. Maybe get the hairstyle changed--gotta get that cliche in there somewhere. :)
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 3:42 PM on April 28, 2005
I can see it coming myself (only 30, though). Why not take a good look at your life and see what it is you're looking for, and do it? If you're striving to feel younger, starting to work out is going to make you feel loads younger than a crotch rocket ever will.
Make your desire work for you by subverting it to self-improvement. Travel, perhaps? Learn a language? Train for a marathon/triathalon? Many mid-lifers have the finances they didn't have when they were younger, making many more options open to them. Use them!
Oh, and updating the wardrobe isn't a bad idea, either. Pay someone who knows what they're doing to set you up. Maybe get the hairstyle changed--gotta get that cliche in there somewhere. :)
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 3:42 PM on April 28, 2005
I think I survived mine. I'll be 46 this year.
It helped to remember my dad going through it; bell-bottoms, sideburns, yellow convertible, divorce... the usual. It helps to see how ridiculous others look, and avoid their example.
Try to channel your energies into something creative. I made a comic book, and started drawing a weekly comic strip. For you, perhaps something else.
posted by jpburns at 3:52 PM on April 28, 2005
It helped to remember my dad going through it; bell-bottoms, sideburns, yellow convertible, divorce... the usual. It helps to see how ridiculous others look, and avoid their example.
Try to channel your energies into something creative. I made a comic book, and started drawing a weekly comic strip. For you, perhaps something else.
posted by jpburns at 3:52 PM on April 28, 2005
Keep stimulating your mind and you'll age gracefully and happily. Surround yourself with things that have lasting value - art, books, good food etc. Savor small pleasures. Learn new things.
It's working for me.
posted by davebush at 3:55 PM on April 28, 2005
It's working for me.
posted by davebush at 3:55 PM on April 28, 2005
It all sounds cheesy, but keep challenging yourself. Take night classes, try to develop something from a hobby into an expertise.
If it's thrills you want, try skydiving.
posted by fleacircus at 4:13 PM on April 28, 2005
If it's thrills you want, try skydiving.
posted by fleacircus at 4:13 PM on April 28, 2005
Get the Miata and a nice leather driving coat. ake a driving course, come home horny, iterate. After the driving course, take your wife and just your wife on a nice weekend trip in the Miata.
Then sell the Miata and get a Pantera or XKE or old 911...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:18 PM on April 28, 2005
Then sell the Miata and get a Pantera or XKE or old 911...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:18 PM on April 28, 2005
Do not get a miata, that is gay (unless you want to go there). Get a 750+ motorcycle. Skydive. Scare the shit out of yourself. Tell your wife about the things disturbing you. FORGET ABOUT THE WOMEN AT WORK. Don't get pierced. Trust who you love. Recognize and admit what you are going through.
Go slow. You have four kids and I assume you want to be a part of their lives. I haven't heard about the love between you and your anonymous wife. Just about you, you, you. So, man up.
posted by nj_subgenius at 4:20 PM on April 28, 2005
Go slow. You have four kids and I assume you want to be a part of their lives. I haven't heard about the love between you and your anonymous wife. Just about you, you, you. So, man up.
posted by nj_subgenius at 4:20 PM on April 28, 2005
Been there, etc.
My crisis came about as the result of the divorce, it wasn't the cause, so my experience was a bit different. My advice, however, is roll with it. Maintain your integrity, don't do anything stupid, but realize that you've got retirement, old age and death right around the corner. Remember that a woman half your age isn't twice as much fun as the one you've got, that people in cars sometimes don't see motorcycles and you've got kids to raise, and that the woman you married can be everything you've ever fantasized about and more if you just let her know what you need.
Midlife crisis is a cliche' because it happens to most guys, accept it, channel it, and it can be the most exciting part of your life. Kinda like adolescence without the confusion, pimples, and spontaneous erections. Well, without the pimples, anyway. Start a new hobby, change your wardrobe, find different music to listen to, and, by all means, buy a convertible. I've got a Saab. Cheap, wicked fast, fun to work on, and comfortable, which is important when you're a geezer.
I'll turn Fifty this year and I've never felt more alive.
posted by Floydd at 4:21 PM on April 28, 2005
My crisis came about as the result of the divorce, it wasn't the cause, so my experience was a bit different. My advice, however, is roll with it. Maintain your integrity, don't do anything stupid, but realize that you've got retirement, old age and death right around the corner. Remember that a woman half your age isn't twice as much fun as the one you've got, that people in cars sometimes don't see motorcycles and you've got kids to raise, and that the woman you married can be everything you've ever fantasized about and more if you just let her know what you need.
Midlife crisis is a cliche' because it happens to most guys, accept it, channel it, and it can be the most exciting part of your life. Kinda like adolescence without the confusion, pimples, and spontaneous erections. Well, without the pimples, anyway. Start a new hobby, change your wardrobe, find different music to listen to, and, by all means, buy a convertible. I've got a Saab. Cheap, wicked fast, fun to work on, and comfortable, which is important when you're a geezer.
I'll turn Fifty this year and I've never felt more alive.
posted by Floydd at 4:21 PM on April 28, 2005
"Learn new things". Yup. Your mind (and heart and soul) can become more beautiful as you age. At least let's hope so, because your body probably can't.
posted by TimeFactor at 4:21 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by TimeFactor at 4:21 PM on April 28, 2005
I'm really enjoying your "Detached" comic, jpburns.
posted by interrobang at 4:32 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by interrobang at 4:32 PM on April 28, 2005
I'm in the middle of this myself right now. My advice? DO NOT get the Miata. Or the motorcycle. Don't make financial decisions that will only cause you grief in the future. That Miata/motorcycle now is several years of retirement cash down the road. (The magic of compound interest or, more likely, the stock market.)
Instead, do as jpburns suggests: funnel your crisis into something creative. If you have vacation time, take it all. Now. For yourself. (Not for a family vacation, not for the in-laws, not for extra sick leave, but for you.) Go somewhere you've always wanted. Or don't. Just stay home for several weeks.
Take up new hobbies. Learn woodoworking. Learn to write. Read. Exercise: bike, jog, walk.
I'm not saying you shouldn't indulge yourself — you should! — I'm just saying that it's wise to be certain you've considered the long-term ramifications of any decisions you make. I don't think a large purpose is going to make you happy in the long run (and maybe not even in the short run).
As for noticing women at work, etc. etc. Yes, yes. That's why Al Gore invented the internets. ahem
posted by jdroth at 4:42 PM on April 28, 2005
Instead, do as jpburns suggests: funnel your crisis into something creative. If you have vacation time, take it all. Now. For yourself. (Not for a family vacation, not for the in-laws, not for extra sick leave, but for you.) Go somewhere you've always wanted. Or don't. Just stay home for several weeks.
Take up new hobbies. Learn woodoworking. Learn to write. Read. Exercise: bike, jog, walk.
I'm not saying you shouldn't indulge yourself — you should! — I'm just saying that it's wise to be certain you've considered the long-term ramifications of any decisions you make. I don't think a large purpose is going to make you happy in the long run (and maybe not even in the short run).
As for noticing women at work, etc. etc. Yes, yes. That's why Al Gore invented the internets. ahem
posted by jdroth at 4:42 PM on April 28, 2005
Off-topic: jpburns, dude! Don't fuck with my browser. I'd like to read your comics, but I'm just not going to because you've gone and fucked Safari all to hell. Bad form, man. Internet sin.
posted by jdroth at 4:46 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by jdroth at 4:46 PM on April 28, 2005
I don't think a large purpose is going to make you happy in the long run (and maybe not even in the short run).
posted by jdroth at 4:42 PM PST on April 28 [!]
You meant purchase, right? Because a large purpose would be very helpful to him right now.
posted by Floydd at 4:51 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by jdroth at 4:42 PM PST on April 28 [!]
You meant purchase, right? Because a large purpose would be very helpful to him right now.
posted by Floydd at 4:51 PM on April 28, 2005
Dude! You're bored and itchy! You've been busting ass (I presume, otherwise your wife would have left you) raising four kids and working and being a decent dude. Why shouldn't you have these urges for fun and escape and wildness and whatnot? It sounds to me like you're a sweet guy and a good family man and you think it's a guilt-inducing, selfish, bad thing to want to cut a rug once in a while.
So it's time for a little self-assessment and meditation or whatever -- there's something you want and you're not getting it. Get it! Figure it out! This is a great opportunity. So my "tip" as it were: don't evade! I don't think you need to "get through this": I think you need to get all up into this and make your life (and surely your wife's life too) richer.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:01 PM on April 28, 2005
So it's time for a little self-assessment and meditation or whatever -- there's something you want and you're not getting it. Get it! Figure it out! This is a great opportunity. So my "tip" as it were: don't evade! I don't think you need to "get through this": I think you need to get all up into this and make your life (and surely your wife's life too) richer.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:01 PM on April 28, 2005
Do not get the motorcycle. Middle-aged baby boomers are now the leading edge of motorcycle death statistics.
This is mainly because they fail to get motorcycle rider training, and purchase machines that are far too big for a beginner rider.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:06 PM on April 28, 2005
This is mainly because they fail to get motorcycle rider training, and purchase machines that are far too big for a beginner rider.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:06 PM on April 28, 2005
I think there's something great about knowing you're going through it. It's the ones who don't who are the bigger problem.
posted by abbyladybug at 5:11 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by abbyladybug at 5:11 PM on April 28, 2005
ok, I'm 61 now, and my wife and I agree that a bike is unsafe but worth the fun. You don't need to spend a lot, though do buy decent headgear. My bike's a 750 that cost $1500; next time I'll get something a little smaller, which will still be enough to frighten me. Fwiw my teen kids agree fun's important for us all -- me included.
(on preview -- take a m/c riding course, helps you to stay alive)
posted by anadem at 5:14 PM on April 28, 2005
(on preview -- take a m/c riding course, helps you to stay alive)
posted by anadem at 5:14 PM on April 28, 2005
Take up Kendo and secretly pretend you're a Jedi. Good exercise, cool armor, and the whole meditation thing. And your kids will probably think it's cool if you get good at it. Plus, it's like being a super hero with a secret identity. But you can't tell anyone, because that would ruin it. And if you do it, tell me how it went.
Don't get in bar fights, though.
posted by mecran01 at 5:20 PM on April 28, 2005
Don't get in bar fights, though.
posted by mecran01 at 5:20 PM on April 28, 2005
If you've got a musical bent - become a musician, lounge singer, or guitar busker. Chicks will dig you, but you can remain unavailable.
posted by Dag Maggot at 5:50 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by Dag Maggot at 5:50 PM on April 28, 2005
I have what I call my "pathetic-ness" meter. Basically, before I make some strange move, I ask friends who I trust where this particular move would be on the pathetic-ness meter for a middle aged guy. Seems to work ok - I ended up getting a red VW bug, and really enjoy driving it around!
I also took up hobbies (performing magic tricks, playing piano) and took a solo performance class and wrote and performed a monologue that ended up being partly about aspects growing older (in particular my father dying).
Frankly, I'm looking forward to being 80 so I can throw the pathetic-ness stuff out the window. Why is it that if you're 80, you can get a Miata and ogle all the cute girls you want and people only think you're cute?
posted by jasper411 at 6:04 PM on April 28, 2005
I also took up hobbies (performing magic tricks, playing piano) and took a solo performance class and wrote and performed a monologue that ended up being partly about aspects growing older (in particular my father dying).
Frankly, I'm looking forward to being 80 so I can throw the pathetic-ness stuff out the window. Why is it that if you're 80, you can get a Miata and ogle all the cute girls you want and people only think you're cute?
posted by jasper411 at 6:04 PM on April 28, 2005
You have company, as you could probably guess. Can you afford the Miata? If so, treat yourself. Frankly, you only live once. Every day could be your last. However, it probably won't be and you don't want to be downtrodden in retirement if you make it there. So, have some fun now, but don't be stupid.
Too bad real mid-life crises don't end there. A good mid-life crises encompasses more than your work to fun ratio. Are you following your life's dreams from your youth? Do they still matter? Could you really follow them and still be true to your offspring? etc. etc. etc.
Everyone has to come to their own conclusions over these questions. I have decided that although there are some unfulfilled quests, my children have more than filled the gaps. Providing for them is quite fulfilling. It might not be enough on its own, but there is more, all too much more. They are the base though.
Look within yourself. What matters? When things are not working and this time of life happens I think it can be quite severe; at least it was for some of my good friends. Mid-life is sort of like adolescence, but easier. If you recognize the natural stress it puts upon you, then it really becomes easier. More than the Miata, or whatever, spend some time on yourself. What do you like about your life? What do you miss? Would you have to give up something important in your life to get what you miss? etc.
One thought: it can be easy to start blaming others for blocking your access to things you thought you might have by now. Don't. You made those decisions.
Some people unravel their lives over these stresses. Don't go there. Just re-evaluate. Usually, we have done the right things all along for ourselves and even after this re-evaluation of our lives we find that most things are about right. Good things to consider though: spending more time with those you love, enjoying your hobbies, feeding your brain (MeFi is pretty good for this in part), planning for the future yet having lots of fun today.
posted by caddis at 6:24 PM on April 28, 2005
Too bad real mid-life crises don't end there. A good mid-life crises encompasses more than your work to fun ratio. Are you following your life's dreams from your youth? Do they still matter? Could you really follow them and still be true to your offspring? etc. etc. etc.
Everyone has to come to their own conclusions over these questions. I have decided that although there are some unfulfilled quests, my children have more than filled the gaps. Providing for them is quite fulfilling. It might not be enough on its own, but there is more, all too much more. They are the base though.
Look within yourself. What matters? When things are not working and this time of life happens I think it can be quite severe; at least it was for some of my good friends. Mid-life is sort of like adolescence, but easier. If you recognize the natural stress it puts upon you, then it really becomes easier. More than the Miata, or whatever, spend some time on yourself. What do you like about your life? What do you miss? Would you have to give up something important in your life to get what you miss? etc.
One thought: it can be easy to start blaming others for blocking your access to things you thought you might have by now. Don't. You made those decisions.
Some people unravel their lives over these stresses. Don't go there. Just re-evaluate. Usually, we have done the right things all along for ourselves and even after this re-evaluation of our lives we find that most things are about right. Good things to consider though: spending more time with those you love, enjoying your hobbies, feeding your brain (MeFi is pretty good for this in part), planning for the future yet having lots of fun today.
posted by caddis at 6:24 PM on April 28, 2005
I'm with fleacircus. My mid-life crisis (which is almost over), centered around not achieving all those fabulous things I had planned for my life when I was young (now where did I put that novel...).
I think it's part of the male psyche to want to be really exceptional at something. I don't want to look back from my death bed and not have some real passion and excellence in my biography. American males, I think, are even worse: we have such outsized dreams of achievement that the reality of a normal life can seem, well, anticlimactic.
Mid-life is the crest of the road: you can look forward and back, and have some sense of the full journey; you finally have a notion of what your narrative will be. If you talk to older people, you will find that none of them regret not getting a tatoo. It is the quality of their relationships with the people they love that really seems to matter, on reflection.
The tatoos, motorbikes, and fast cars are mostly about not accepting the end of youth (the reading glasses only rub it in). This is only the first stage of a mid-life crisis. The next stage will be about having some excellence in your life. The last stage--at least I hope it's the last stage--is about separating what matters from what doesn't . That is where I think I am right now.
And, as goofy and starry-eyed as this sounds, what really matters is love.
posted by curtm at 6:51 PM on April 28, 2005 [1 favorite]
I think it's part of the male psyche to want to be really exceptional at something. I don't want to look back from my death bed and not have some real passion and excellence in my biography. American males, I think, are even worse: we have such outsized dreams of achievement that the reality of a normal life can seem, well, anticlimactic.
Mid-life is the crest of the road: you can look forward and back, and have some sense of the full journey; you finally have a notion of what your narrative will be. If you talk to older people, you will find that none of them regret not getting a tatoo. It is the quality of their relationships with the people they love that really seems to matter, on reflection.
The tatoos, motorbikes, and fast cars are mostly about not accepting the end of youth (the reading glasses only rub it in). This is only the first stage of a mid-life crisis. The next stage will be about having some excellence in your life. The last stage--at least I hope it's the last stage--is about separating what matters from what doesn't . That is where I think I am right now.
And, as goofy and starry-eyed as this sounds, what really matters is love.
posted by curtm at 6:51 PM on April 28, 2005 [1 favorite]
I have what I call my "pathetic-ness" meter. Basically, before I make some strange move, I ask friends who I trust where this particular move would be on the pathetic-ness meter for a middle aged guy. Seems to work ok - I ended up getting a red VW bug, and really enjoy driving it around!
I also took up hobbies (performing magic tricks,
posted by jasper411 at 6:04 PM PST on April 28 [!]
Umm, jasper? I've been meaning to tell you....
posted by Floydd at 6:55 PM on April 28, 2005
I also took up hobbies (performing magic tricks,
posted by jasper411 at 6:04 PM PST on April 28 [!]
Umm, jasper? I've been meaning to tell you....
posted by Floydd at 6:55 PM on April 28, 2005
My dad, who got to wait until he hit his 50s for his mid-life crisis, has taught himself how to make guitars and is taking a stained glass class. He's been traveling a lot, taking my still-school-age brothers on long summer road trips. He's also planning on enrolling in a local university to earn a BA in art -- this is a man with a master's and a law degree already. I think it's a great path to take.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:01 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:01 PM on April 28, 2005
There's some great advice in this thread. There's certainly nothing wrong with deciding you want some excitement and novelty. Just make sure you go about it in the right way - in a meaningful way, not in a trivial, ridiculous way, or in a way that will be detrimental to the good things in your life.
Don't get pierced, though. Harrison Ford did, and now sports the dumbest looking earring ever. If he can't get away with it, you probably can't either.
posted by orange swan at 7:44 PM on April 28, 2005
Don't get pierced, though. Harrison Ford did, and now sports the dumbest looking earring ever. If he can't get away with it, you probably can't either.
posted by orange swan at 7:44 PM on April 28, 2005
This is what I call 'male post-partum depression'. It just occurs 15 years later than in women.
Find a new hobby and if you get the motorcycle, take riding lessons.
posted by mischief at 7:47 PM on April 28, 2005
Find a new hobby and if you get the motorcycle, take riding lessons.
posted by mischief at 7:47 PM on April 28, 2005
I suggest a small tattoo in a place where only you and your wife will see it. That would mean either your ass or your upper thigh. It might solve some of your desire for novelty, and if it doesn't, it might hurt enough to convince you that your life is pretty good the way it is. Either way, you won't be embarrassed by it later because no one will know it's there. And if it's a cool tattoo, then, well, you'll have a cool tattoo.
Alternatively, you could have a nipple pierced, but in my experience, people who have that done report highly variable results. Some love it; some don't. But if you don't like it, it'll grow shut pretty quickly if you remove the metal.
posted by anapestic at 7:52 PM on April 28, 2005
Alternatively, you could have a nipple pierced, but in my experience, people who have that done report highly variable results. Some love it; some don't. But if you don't like it, it'll grow shut pretty quickly if you remove the metal.
posted by anapestic at 7:52 PM on April 28, 2005
Floydd -- what??? Magic tricks are cool! I'm not obnoxious - I don't go around pulling nickles out of people's ears and stuff....Plus, with the red VW and the magic tricks taken together - make me a total babe magnet!!!
posted by jasper411 at 7:53 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by jasper411 at 7:53 PM on April 28, 2005
But I can feel this midlife crisis just over the horizon, and it's terribly embarassing because it's such a cliche.
You know why it's a cliche? Because it's a common trait of human beings. We all want to be able to look back on our lives or over our domains or legacies or what have you, and think, yeah, I did that. "mid life" is the commonest period for people to take seriously the notion that in fact they're not going to amount to anything historically special. "You're unique, just like everyone else." Nowadays a lot of people basically live a mid-life crisis; the standard life may not kick in at all and so the fascination with achieving something significant becomes focal.
I'd say there are a few ways to deal with this:
a)be thankful for all you do have - I mean really reflect on how great it is and how happy you are to have it;
b)attempt to actually achieve some of those interests or dreams you filed away from your youth - what talent or hobby did you always mean to pursue, but gave up for security's sake?
c)let loose & have a little adventure - maybe part of your antsiness is feeling that you're too rigidly defined by your role as a family man, and you miss being an individual, alone against the world, that kinda thing. So long as you're open with yr wife about it, it may be worth taking a little trip of your own to connect with that part of yourself. Depending on your interests you could have a non-family camping/hiking/mountaineering/go to the woods and meditate style trip, or a skydiving/scubadiving/motorboating/etc type of getaway, but whatever it is, let it be about you and your personal inner tensions.
posted by mdn at 8:11 PM on April 28, 2005
You know why it's a cliche? Because it's a common trait of human beings. We all want to be able to look back on our lives or over our domains or legacies or what have you, and think, yeah, I did that. "mid life" is the commonest period for people to take seriously the notion that in fact they're not going to amount to anything historically special. "You're unique, just like everyone else." Nowadays a lot of people basically live a mid-life crisis; the standard life may not kick in at all and so the fascination with achieving something significant becomes focal.
I'd say there are a few ways to deal with this:
a)be thankful for all you do have - I mean really reflect on how great it is and how happy you are to have it;
b)attempt to actually achieve some of those interests or dreams you filed away from your youth - what talent or hobby did you always mean to pursue, but gave up for security's sake?
c)let loose & have a little adventure - maybe part of your antsiness is feeling that you're too rigidly defined by your role as a family man, and you miss being an individual, alone against the world, that kinda thing. So long as you're open with yr wife about it, it may be worth taking a little trip of your own to connect with that part of yourself. Depending on your interests you could have a non-family camping/hiking/mountaineering/go to the woods and meditate style trip, or a skydiving/scubadiving/motorboating/etc type of getaway, but whatever it is, let it be about you and your personal inner tensions.
posted by mdn at 8:11 PM on April 28, 2005
Do not get a miata, that is gay
If a Miata is gay, I don't wanna be straight.
They're perfectly good commuter-mobiles. Good mileage, just about bulletproof reliability, holds you and a friend or you and your briefcase, and used ones aren't at all expensive. Set things up so you have one family truckster and one Miata instead of having two sedans, or something.
If you want the full-on experience, go to driving school. Not that I've done it, but I'm sure you'd learn a lot about high-performance driving and such so that even when you're tooling along the Interstate you'll still know that you're a bad-ass.
If you've got ~$50K to play with instead of $5--25K, look into a Lotus Elise.
(unless you want to go there). Get a 750+ motorcycle
Yeah, 'cuz riding a giant vibrator while wearing a leather bodysuit... that ain't gay.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:32 PM on April 28, 2005 [4 favorites]
If a Miata is gay, I don't wanna be straight.
They're perfectly good commuter-mobiles. Good mileage, just about bulletproof reliability, holds you and a friend or you and your briefcase, and used ones aren't at all expensive. Set things up so you have one family truckster and one Miata instead of having two sedans, or something.
If you want the full-on experience, go to driving school. Not that I've done it, but I'm sure you'd learn a lot about high-performance driving and such so that even when you're tooling along the Interstate you'll still know that you're a bad-ass.
If you've got ~$50K to play with instead of $5--25K, look into a Lotus Elise.
(unless you want to go there). Get a 750+ motorcycle
Yeah, 'cuz riding a giant vibrator while wearing a leather bodysuit... that ain't gay.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:32 PM on April 28, 2005 [4 favorites]
I think more and more the way I will deal with on comming thing is an annual week to ten day solo excursions driving, hiking, randomly seeing things I've never seen before. I've never had a strong desire to be flashy, but to discover new (to me) places is exciting.
posted by edgeways at 8:42 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by edgeways at 8:42 PM on April 28, 2005
Yeah, 'cuz riding a giant vibrator while wearing a leather bodysuit... that ain't gay.
Hee. I won't be thinking about motorcycles the same way any more. glances at his 650 'thumper,' is thankful he wears fabric protection...
posted by five fresh fish at 8:55 PM on April 28, 2005
Hee. I won't be thinking about motorcycles the same way any more. glances at his 650 'thumper,' is thankful he wears fabric protection...
posted by five fresh fish at 8:55 PM on April 28, 2005
Because there's nothing worse than being gay, right? Idiots.
posted by anapestic at 8:59 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by anapestic at 8:59 PM on April 28, 2005
A pamphlet to consider.
But I don't know that reading/intellectualizing will nullify all the feelings you are having. From up-thread I like the notion that when you are old, it will be the relationships you formed/nurtured that really matter. And as with all things in a relationship, communicating your feelings to Mrs Anonymous always remains a top priority.
posted by peacay at 9:05 PM on April 28, 2005
But I don't know that reading/intellectualizing will nullify all the feelings you are having. From up-thread I like the notion that when you are old, it will be the relationships you formed/nurtured that really matter. And as with all things in a relationship, communicating your feelings to Mrs Anonymous always remains a top priority.
posted by peacay at 9:05 PM on April 28, 2005
Because there's nothing worse than being gay, right? Idiots.
He started it, Dad. And now he's got his stuff on my side. And I gotta pee, and the beer's warm and I hate sailing.
I suggest a small tattoo in a place where only you and your wife will see it. That would mean either your ass or your upper thigh.
Not necessarily. I thought for a while about getting a tattoo on my arm. Of a freckle. Freckle... that's a terrible word... freckle.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:40 PM on April 28, 2005
He started it, Dad. And now he's got his stuff on my side. And I gotta pee, and the beer's warm and I hate sailing.
I suggest a small tattoo in a place where only you and your wife will see it. That would mean either your ass or your upper thigh.
Not necessarily. I thought for a while about getting a tattoo on my arm. Of a freckle. Freckle... that's a terrible word... freckle.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:40 PM on April 28, 2005
Do what my dad did (assuming your spouse can be the bread-winner or you have enough savings): flame the hell out at work, get fired in a way where you can file a law-suit for age discrimination, and get reconstructive knee surgery that keeps you chill. Then, when the dust clears, damn the man and save the empire by starting your own company. OK, so he didn't win the lawsuit, but I have this feeling that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to our family, my dad, and his mid-life crisis (he had already bought the convertible by this time...)
posted by jmd82 at 9:48 PM on April 28, 2005
posted by jmd82 at 9:48 PM on April 28, 2005
*takes notes for the future...let's see, no to the miata, yes on the motorcycle...not just any motorcycle, but an old school bike with a sidecar...you need a dog (or not) and either six-months vacation or retirement/unemployment...copy of zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance and blue highways...ride into sunset (note to self: If still in LA, into sunrise of course)...digital camera and wireless laptop optional...
And freckle most certainly is not a terrible word. *sigh*
posted by schyler523 at 10:02 PM on April 28, 2005
And freckle most certainly is not a terrible word. *sigh*
posted by schyler523 at 10:02 PM on April 28, 2005
Wow, 3 posts have already mentioned skydiving. Admitting my bias, I'd rather see someone take up jumping in their search for something new and different, than see them buy a motorcycle on a whim. Our drop zone crowd includes people of all ages, occupations, and personalities, including many over 40. (In fact, the POPS is a worldwide organization of "Parachutists Over Phorty.") Many people find that the activity and the community of characters at the DZ open up a new world to them. (Note that some spouses are more accepting of this than others.)
posted by Tubes at 1:28 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by Tubes at 1:28 AM on April 29, 2005
1) Talk to your wife.
2) Take up running, not just jogging, but running races. You'll be a masters runner and there's some stiff competition at that level. If 10k's don't do it, and marathons seems cliche (because they are), try ultras.
posted by OmieWise at 5:35 AM on April 29, 2005
2) Take up running, not just jogging, but running races. You'll be a masters runner and there's some stiff competition at that level. If 10k's don't do it, and marathons seems cliche (because they are), try ultras.
posted by OmieWise at 5:35 AM on April 29, 2005
Floydd -- what??? Magic tricks are cool! I'm not obnoxious - I don't go around pulling nickles out of people's ears and stuff....Plus, with the red VW and the magic tricks taken together - make me a total babe magnet!!!
posted by jasper411 at 7:53 PM PST on April 28
I keed! I keed! Now watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat....
posted by Floydd at 6:32 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by jasper411 at 7:53 PM PST on April 28
I keed! I keed! Now watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat....
posted by Floydd at 6:32 AM on April 29, 2005
Floydd - you just wait, you wily young whippersnapper!!
posted by jasper411 at 9:02 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by jasper411 at 9:02 AM on April 29, 2005
hmmm ... at 38, i left my rather hedonistic, drug addict girlfriend and tried to settle down and be responsible with a younger woman ... married and had a child ... got a better job to support them ... tried to live responsibly and succeeded
only problem was that my wife was nuts and i didn't realize it in time ... and last year at 47, it all flew apart
my best friend is a year younger than me, recently divorced from his addict x and now he's working at a new job, living with his mother, recording rock and roll bands, hanging out in bars and having fun with loose women ... as for me, i just kept the job i have, see my daughter on weekends and write a lot, because that's my true purpose in life ... meanwhile, my factory's future is uncertain, i'm facing bankruptcy and possible single fatherhood, due to my x's utter irresponsibility and i'm fairly poor with signs of older age creeping up on me ...
life has never been better ... i know what my purpose is and i'm doing it ... and open for the other opportunities that are going to come to further get in line with what i should do
it's time to find what's important in yourself, your loved ones and your life in general ... keep and grow with that and leave the rest behind, if you can ... and a motorcycle or that hottie at the office isn't going to help with that
i'm not into acting 48 ... but more importantly, i'm not into acting 25, either ...
posted by pyramid termite at 9:14 AM on April 29, 2005
only problem was that my wife was nuts and i didn't realize it in time ... and last year at 47, it all flew apart
my best friend is a year younger than me, recently divorced from his addict x and now he's working at a new job, living with his mother, recording rock and roll bands, hanging out in bars and having fun with loose women ... as for me, i just kept the job i have, see my daughter on weekends and write a lot, because that's my true purpose in life ... meanwhile, my factory's future is uncertain, i'm facing bankruptcy and possible single fatherhood, due to my x's utter irresponsibility and i'm fairly poor with signs of older age creeping up on me ...
life has never been better ... i know what my purpose is and i'm doing it ... and open for the other opportunities that are going to come to further get in line with what i should do
it's time to find what's important in yourself, your loved ones and your life in general ... keep and grow with that and leave the rest behind, if you can ... and a motorcycle or that hottie at the office isn't going to help with that
i'm not into acting 48 ... but more importantly, i'm not into acting 25, either ...
posted by pyramid termite at 9:14 AM on April 29, 2005
Tattoos, an improved diet, and Nanowrimo seem to be working okay for dealing with my mid-life crisis.
posted by maurice at 9:19 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by maurice at 9:19 AM on April 29, 2005
Because there's nothing worse than being gay, right? Idiots.
Anyone who can't laugh at the mental image of homophobic leather-clad Harley riders potato-ing along on their gigantic vibrators is taking himself just a little too seriously.
There's nothing worse than not having a sense of humour about oneself.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:46 AM on April 29, 2005
Anyone who can't laugh at the mental image of homophobic leather-clad Harley riders potato-ing along on their gigantic vibrators is taking himself just a little too seriously.
There's nothing worse than not having a sense of humour about oneself.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:46 AM on April 29, 2005
I can feel it nibbling at the edges. And I've got the 400HP q-ship project on the got to prove it. I say if you have a car now trade it in on a Miata if you want one. As others have said you only live once and you could be hit by a bus tomorow. Why not have fun while your here while still maintaining your responsibilities.
A piercing or tattoo someplace know one can see it but your wife won't hurt anyone except for yourself.
One of the other reasons the mid life crisis is such a cliche is your finally able to afford to do what you've been wanting to do for the past 20 years and it all spills out at once.
And if you ever stop noticing attractive members of the opposite sex don't bother getting out of bed in the morning; you've died already and just haven't noticed yet. You can notice with out taking any action.
five fresh fish: Hee. I won't be thinking about motorcycles the same way any more.
Me neither, those open pipe Harley riders aren't going to seem nearly as intimidating on the commute home today.
anapestic: Because there's nothing worse than being gay, right? Idiots.
Um, I think you need to unclench a bit anapestic.
PS: I think the Miata is losing it's gay flag, around here anyways. Now if you were wanting to buy a Cabriola Rabbit you'd be in trouble.
posted by Mitheral at 10:52 AM on April 29, 2005
A piercing or tattoo someplace know one can see it but your wife won't hurt anyone except for yourself.
One of the other reasons the mid life crisis is such a cliche is your finally able to afford to do what you've been wanting to do for the past 20 years and it all spills out at once.
And if you ever stop noticing attractive members of the opposite sex don't bother getting out of bed in the morning; you've died already and just haven't noticed yet. You can notice with out taking any action.
five fresh fish: Hee. I won't be thinking about motorcycles the same way any more.
Me neither, those open pipe Harley riders aren't going to seem nearly as intimidating on the commute home today.
anapestic: Because there's nothing worse than being gay, right? Idiots.
Um, I think you need to unclench a bit anapestic.
PS: I think the Miata is losing it's gay flag, around here anyways. Now if you were wanting to buy a Cabriola Rabbit you'd be in trouble.
posted by Mitheral at 10:52 AM on April 29, 2005
Right. I'll start using "Canadian" to mean "lame," and then I'll tell you to unclench when you find it offensive. Except that I wouldn't do that in the first place because it's offensive.
posted by anapestic at 11:01 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by anapestic at 11:01 AM on April 29, 2005
anapestic I think your reading this the wrong way. People were advising him to avoid the Miata because it might make him look gay where gay is code for bad. Instead gay just means um, gay. In the same way you might advise a white friend not to get an afro because it would make him look black or you might advise a guy from Kansas to avoid a kilt because it would make him look scottish. There's nothing wrong with looking scottish, even unwittingly but that may not be a desired side effect of wearing the kilt.
If you were advising your friend not to wear a touque and a back pack with a Canadian flag because it would make him look Canadian I wouldn't be offended at all. I'm tempted to quote PET here but this is the green and I'll leave it be.
posted by Mitheral at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2005
If you were advising your friend not to wear a touque and a back pack with a Canadian flag because it would make him look Canadian I wouldn't be offended at all. I'm tempted to quote PET here but this is the green and I'll leave it be.
posted by Mitheral at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2005
Oh. Well, in that case, never mind.
I don't know any gay men with Miatas, though. And I know lots of gay men.
posted by anapestic at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2005
I don't know any gay men with Miatas, though. And I know lots of gay men.
posted by anapestic at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2005
Start a hobby that includes the family.
posted by thomcatspike at 11:48 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by thomcatspike at 11:48 AM on April 29, 2005
Get the motorcycle, but not just any motorcycle. This motorcycle. Really.
posted by NoMich at 11:48 AM on April 29, 2005
posted by NoMich at 11:48 AM on April 29, 2005
2) Take up running, not just jogging, but running races.
Middle ages men who take up running subsequently have affairs. The girls they meet while running look better than the wife - who is at home taking care of the kids while he's out scampering around town.
Instead, spend time focussing on why you fell in love with your wife. Get a sitter and do those things you used to do together. Talk. Have fun together. That's the most constructive way to get through this.
posted by tizzie at 11:51 AM on April 29, 2005 [1 favorite]
Middle ages men who take up running subsequently have affairs. The girls they meet while running look better than the wife - who is at home taking care of the kids while he's out scampering around town.
Instead, spend time focussing on why you fell in love with your wife. Get a sitter and do those things you used to do together. Talk. Have fun together. That's the most constructive way to get through this.
posted by tizzie at 11:51 AM on April 29, 2005 [1 favorite]
I don't know any gay men with Miatas, though. And I know lots of gay men.
I think that was the point of the joke. miatas were said to be "gay" using the word to describe a weakly-girly psuedo-macho type of car. But motorcycles are more likely to actually be driven by leathermen (not to mention dykes on bykes). So the first guy was maybe offensive but the follow up is just makin' fun of him.
posted by mdn at 11:53 AM on April 29, 2005
I think that was the point of the joke. miatas were said to be "gay" using the word to describe a weakly-girly psuedo-macho type of car. But motorcycles are more likely to actually be driven by leathermen (not to mention dykes on bykes). So the first guy was maybe offensive but the follow up is just makin' fun of him.
posted by mdn at 11:53 AM on April 29, 2005
Ya that happens, as with all stereotypes YMMV. Personally I only know three guys who drive Miatas (my friends are more obscene amounts of horsepower types) one is gay, two are straight and one of the straights is a homophobe in the purest sense of the word. IE: he doesn't hate gays he'd just afraid of them in the same why others are afraid of heights, spiders or wide open spaces.
That is one pretty bike NoMich.
If your going to take up a hobby I'd recommend something that allows you to build a skill. Woodworking, golf, skeet shooting, whatever.
posted by Mitheral at 12:10 PM on April 29, 2005
That is one pretty bike NoMich.
If your going to take up a hobby I'd recommend something that allows you to build a skill. Woodworking, golf, skeet shooting, whatever.
posted by Mitheral at 12:10 PM on April 29, 2005
So the first guy was maybe offensive but the follow up is just makin' fun of him
Yeah, what she said.
Get the motorcycle, but not just any motorcycle.
Ignore NoMich. If you get a bike, get a replica of Kaneda's bike from Akira.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:22 PM on April 29, 2005
Yeah, what she said.
Get the motorcycle, but not just any motorcycle.
Ignore NoMich. If you get a bike, get a replica of Kaneda's bike from Akira.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:22 PM on April 29, 2005
Ignore NoMich. If you get a bike, get a replica of Kaneda's bike from Akira.
Philistine!
posted by NoMich at 12:27 PM on April 29, 2005
Philistine!
posted by NoMich at 12:27 PM on April 29, 2005
A Miata? That's so Raven.
posted by UKnowForKids at 12:28 PM on April 29, 2005
posted by UKnowForKids at 12:28 PM on April 29, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think if I had been mature enough to do that in the beginning we might have been able to stay together. Maybe not, but it sure would have hurt a lot less.
There is nothing wrong with getting a motorcycle and appreciating the beauty around you, but be honest with your wife and let her know that you love her and want to let her know that you realize this is going on - maybe you can find a way to include her in your "crisis" by dabbling in role playing or just in general being more "youthful". Who knows, maybe she is having similar thoughts/feelings.
posted by FlamingBore at 3:34 PM on April 28, 2005