Should I ask my roommate's permission to date her friend?
March 15, 2011 3:09 PM Subscribe
Should I ask my roommate's permission to date her friend?
A couple of weekends ago I (male, late 20s) hooked up with my newish roommate's friend (female, late 20s) at a mutual friend's birthday party.
I mentioned it to roomie the next day, and she said it was cool, and that her friend is awesome.
I would love to ask the friend out on a date. What's the protocol in terms of my roommate? Should I mention it?
My instinct says yes, but I'd hate to mention it and then get turned down by her friend. Awkward.
Equally, I'd hate to go on a date and for my roommate to feel weirded out that I didn't tell her. Awkward.
I don't really know any of them well enough to organize a big casual group get together, which might have circumvented the problem.
Any good ideas? I'm waaay inexperienced at this sort of thing as you can probably tell.
A couple of weekends ago I (male, late 20s) hooked up with my newish roommate's friend (female, late 20s) at a mutual friend's birthday party.
I mentioned it to roomie the next day, and she said it was cool, and that her friend is awesome.
I would love to ask the friend out on a date. What's the protocol in terms of my roommate? Should I mention it?
My instinct says yes, but I'd hate to mention it and then get turned down by her friend. Awkward.
Equally, I'd hate to go on a date and for my roommate to feel weirded out that I didn't tell her. Awkward.
I don't really know any of them well enough to organize a big casual group get together, which might have circumvented the problem.
Any good ideas? I'm waaay inexperienced at this sort of thing as you can probably tell.
Mention to roommate, "Hey, I'm gonna ask out [friend]." You don't need permission. You just need to be prepared for things to possibly be awkward for a bit if it doesn't work out.
posted by elpea at 3:14 PM on March 15, 2011
posted by elpea at 3:14 PM on March 15, 2011
Yeah, if anything say "Hey, I'm going to ask Jenny out... got any good advice? (wink wink) "
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 3:15 PM on March 15, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 3:15 PM on March 15, 2011 [4 favorites]
Agreed with above. Mention it to the roommate as a courtesy, but it's on the roommate to ask you not to, not on you to ask permission.
posted by auto-correct at 3:25 PM on March 15, 2011
posted by auto-correct at 3:25 PM on March 15, 2011
I'd wait til after you ask her out to mention it to your roommate. Otherwise it's too much like asking permission, and you don't want to create that dynamic. You're all adults here.
Personally, I think this is completely normal and fine. Two of my four LTRs have been with guys I met because they were roommates of my friends! (roommates of male friends, but still.) Roommates of friends are great people to date. Just try to confine all the dirty noises/ walking around naked to your room/ her place when possible so you don't gross out your friend.
Anyway, this situation is way more advisable than you hooking up with your actual roommate. So, good on you for not doing that. Just be sure to return the favor and invite a few of your cute friends around sometime (you know, if your roommate is single.)
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:29 PM on March 15, 2011
Personally, I think this is completely normal and fine. Two of my four LTRs have been with guys I met because they were roommates of my friends! (roommates of male friends, but still.) Roommates of friends are great people to date. Just try to confine all the dirty noises/ walking around naked to your room/ her place when possible so you don't gross out your friend.
Anyway, this situation is way more advisable than you hooking up with your actual roommate. So, good on you for not doing that. Just be sure to return the favor and invite a few of your cute friends around sometime (you know, if your roommate is single.)
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:29 PM on March 15, 2011
Err, I mean, so you don't gross out your roommate. HER friend. You know what I mean. Common roommate courtesy plus a little extra if you start sleeping with her, since you're all friends and whatnot.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:31 PM on March 15, 2011
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:31 PM on March 15, 2011
There's no reason to tell the roomie, but there's no reason to not tell her, either.
posted by empath at 4:00 PM on March 15, 2011
posted by empath at 4:00 PM on March 15, 2011
Well, what would you do if she denied you permission? Don't insult her by asking her without having any intention to listen to what she says.
Also, n'thing what Tomorrowful says.
posted by davidjohnfox at 4:14 PM on March 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, n'thing what Tomorrowful says.
posted by davidjohnfox at 4:14 PM on March 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a lady who's lived with a dude roommate for a while now, I say that it'd be the most considerate thing to mention that you're angling for a date from her, but definitely don't frame it as a 'permission' thing ('cuz that is weird). You can always phrase like "Hey, I'm going to ask [cute friend] out to dinner, what's her favorite restaurant?"
Since she already seemed to have a positive reaction to the hookup, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just remember to be extra considerate of basic roommate bringing someone home etiquette, should that situation arise.
posted by mostly vowels at 4:30 PM on March 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Since she already seemed to have a positive reaction to the hookup, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just remember to be extra considerate of basic roommate bringing someone home etiquette, should that situation arise.
posted by mostly vowels at 4:30 PM on March 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Er, that is, angling for a date with the cute friend.
posted by mostly vowels at 4:31 PM on March 15, 2011
posted by mostly vowels at 4:31 PM on March 15, 2011
Honestly, I think there is a better chance she'll be insulted if you don't ask out her friend. I mean you've already hooked up with her.... I can't imagine why she would have a problem with you dating her friend, if she had no problem with you hooking up with her.
posted by whoaali at 5:51 PM on March 15, 2011
posted by whoaali at 5:51 PM on March 15, 2011
You've already tacitly been given permission, and the go ahead, with the "it was cool, and that her friend is awesome".
It's already been a couple of weeks, get off the pot and just ask the friend out already.
Good luck! ;)
posted by Elysum at 6:31 PM on March 15, 2011
It's already been a couple of weeks, get off the pot and just ask the friend out already.
Good luck! ;)
posted by Elysum at 6:31 PM on March 15, 2011
You don't need permission, but even if you thought you did, you got it when she said her friend is awesome.
You do need to tread a little bit lightly if it looks like things aren't going to work out, however, as you don't want to put your roommate in an awkward position.
posted by Mayor West at 4:12 AM on March 16, 2011
You do need to tread a little bit lightly if it looks like things aren't going to work out, however, as you don't want to put your roommate in an awkward position.
posted by Mayor West at 4:12 AM on March 16, 2011
This,
I'd hate to go on a date and for my roommate to feel weirded out that I didn't tell her. Awkward.
is a stalking horse for this:
My instinct says yes, but I'd hate to mention it and then get turned down by her friend. Awkward.
Acknowledge your fears and ask the woman out.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:23 AM on March 16, 2011
I'd hate to go on a date and for my roommate to feel weirded out that I didn't tell her. Awkward.
is a stalking horse for this:
My instinct says yes, but I'd hate to mention it and then get turned down by her friend. Awkward.
Acknowledge your fears and ask the woman out.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:23 AM on March 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
I mentioned it to roomie the next day, and she said it was cool, and that her friend is awesome.
This, right here, would be your roommate's opportunity to say "Ew, gross" or "How dare you" or whatever else. By saying "it's cool, she's awesome," she's giving you the go-ahead. While not all hook-ups lead to dating, it's certainly not strange or unexpected when two people hook up, and then start seeing each other more formally - your roommate will not be caught off-guard. Relax, and date without worry. (Well, y'know, without any worry beyond the standard stresses and nervousness of dating.) Good luck!
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:14 PM on March 15, 2011 [10 favorites]