Good all my life, and... wow.
March 14, 2011 11:42 AM Subscribe
Met a stranger I want. Should I, and how? Mildly NSFW Dear-Penthouse-style description and query inside, written by a young female person who is a little out of her element.
I am in need of an older sibling/Sassy Gay Friend who can advise me on how best to do what I'd really like to do, or tell me straight if I should not do it at all. God, this is long, sorry. Details are given in such depth because while this is new to me, I would like to see how it reads to someone more experienced.
I am a midtwenties girl who has lived in NYC for literally no more than a couple of weeks, and I'm still figuring out how to get around. A couple of days ago, I was standing outside a museum trying not to be too obvious about examining a subway map out to find out how to get to my next destination when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man going past. He had an attractive stride, so I glanced up for a better look. Gazes locked, pupils most likely dilated. He stopped short, looked me over admiringly, and headed right for me. After introducing himself and asking my name, he launched us into a flirtatious conversation, spiced with compliments. He was as interested as could be, and made sure I knew it. There was zero Pickup Artist weirdness from him, just good old-fashioned confidence and charm.
Interjection of explanation/backstory:
I'm absolutely not used to guys coming on strong with me. In the first place, I'm size 18 on a thin day, though of the "such a pretty face" type, meaning that I do find myself getting hit on with regularity (albeit rarely with such conviction), but the majority of guys aren't interested. Furthermore, when guys are into me, they tend to be the type who want me to take the lead, because outwardly I have a take-charge, self-assured manner that seems to appeal to boys who lean submissive. In actuality, although I'm strong, what I really want is someone even stronger. Experience is another issue. Being of repressed-sexy librarian temperament in addition to appearance, I have never accepted so much as a coffee date from any guy I didn't already know very well as a friend. Until recently, that worked for me, but since an emotionally brutal breakup a few months ago, I've been considering the appeal of having much less formal relationships and have checked out dating sites geared for such purposes. So far, I haven't taken up anyone's offer.
Now, add to this the fact that I have really only been mentally attracted to past partners; they were never guys in whom I would have been interested if they hadn't had amazing personalities. This one, in contrast, was very physically appealing to me (early thirties, well built, clean-cut, much taller than me, and smelled fantastic) and his personality based on our conversation is, well, exactly what I would want for an encounter of a casual-ish type (intelligent, extremely confident, teasing but not rude, daring but not offensive... and with more than a suggestion of the forcefulness that I can so rarely find in guys I like and which drives me wild). I'm not this girl, but I share her tastes and then some.
Back to the other day... we chatted for a while, and he asked if he could take me out sometime this week. A little overwhelmed by his interest and being, as stated above, really unused to this type of thing, I said I'd need to think about it, but gave him my number. And then he said, less than half-jokingly, that since there was a chance we wouldn't meet again, he didn't think he could let me leave without a kiss. Coming from most other men I've met, this would have caused me to make a break towards the museum security guard, but in this case I was into it and he could definitely tell. So, Reader, I did kiss him. And then after a few stops and starts, because my brain was trying to remind me that hello, you are Not This Kind of Girl, not with a stranger in broad daylight on a public street, hormones took over and we basically began making out right then and there and it was shockingly good. I was feeling apologetic towards the passers-by at first but sort of stopped caring after a few minutes. Then he said something to the effect of being more than okay with delaying going out, and heading in instead. I admitted it sounded just fine right then but that I needed to think it over after I cleared my head, and he had no problem with that and we went back to the making out. It was shortly very apparent that he was turned on, in fact ready to go, and by the end of it, so was I. During the course of our impromptu curbside tryst, he actually did lightly tug on my hair (holy hell) and murmur a few things that left me in little doubt that we had some overlapping interests in regards to specific bedroom activities. We eventually made it to goodbye, I said I'd call, and since then have gotten some flirty but nonpressuring texts.
Practical concerns:
- My temporary roommate situation makes it impossible for me to bring any guy home, and I wouldn't be okay with going to his place until we knew each other better.
- Because of this, I was thinking I'd offer to split the cost of a hotel? Alternative suggestions welcome.
- I'm on the pill, had the hpv shot, and would not pass go if he indicated condoms were unwelcome (and would bring my own to be sure).
- I'm not interested in anything romantically serious and am fine with the fact that he's probably hooking up with many other girls; my only thing is ensuring my physical safety during and after.
- Because I am new to the city and due to my situation before coming here, I do not have a single person who could function as an effective safecall. This is actually the point that gives me the most pause, because I'm not sure how to get around it.
So, patient mefites, should I go for it with this sexy not-exactly-a-gentleman? If so, how do I do it as safely as possible? I would be regretful if I had to tell him no thanks, but if that's the smartest thing to do, then okay. I feel 100% good about the encounter we did have, even though I would never in a billion years have expected either it, or my response to it. Anonymail at curbsidehookup@gmail.com.
I am in need of an older sibling/Sassy Gay Friend who can advise me on how best to do what I'd really like to do, or tell me straight if I should not do it at all. God, this is long, sorry. Details are given in such depth because while this is new to me, I would like to see how it reads to someone more experienced.
I am a midtwenties girl who has lived in NYC for literally no more than a couple of weeks, and I'm still figuring out how to get around. A couple of days ago, I was standing outside a museum trying not to be too obvious about examining a subway map out to find out how to get to my next destination when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man going past. He had an attractive stride, so I glanced up for a better look. Gazes locked, pupils most likely dilated. He stopped short, looked me over admiringly, and headed right for me. After introducing himself and asking my name, he launched us into a flirtatious conversation, spiced with compliments. He was as interested as could be, and made sure I knew it. There was zero Pickup Artist weirdness from him, just good old-fashioned confidence and charm.
Interjection of explanation/backstory:
I'm absolutely not used to guys coming on strong with me. In the first place, I'm size 18 on a thin day, though of the "such a pretty face" type, meaning that I do find myself getting hit on with regularity (albeit rarely with such conviction), but the majority of guys aren't interested. Furthermore, when guys are into me, they tend to be the type who want me to take the lead, because outwardly I have a take-charge, self-assured manner that seems to appeal to boys who lean submissive. In actuality, although I'm strong, what I really want is someone even stronger. Experience is another issue. Being of repressed-sexy librarian temperament in addition to appearance, I have never accepted so much as a coffee date from any guy I didn't already know very well as a friend. Until recently, that worked for me, but since an emotionally brutal breakup a few months ago, I've been considering the appeal of having much less formal relationships and have checked out dating sites geared for such purposes. So far, I haven't taken up anyone's offer.
Now, add to this the fact that I have really only been mentally attracted to past partners; they were never guys in whom I would have been interested if they hadn't had amazing personalities. This one, in contrast, was very physically appealing to me (early thirties, well built, clean-cut, much taller than me, and smelled fantastic) and his personality based on our conversation is, well, exactly what I would want for an encounter of a casual-ish type (intelligent, extremely confident, teasing but not rude, daring but not offensive... and with more than a suggestion of the forcefulness that I can so rarely find in guys I like and which drives me wild). I'm not this girl, but I share her tastes and then some.
Back to the other day... we chatted for a while, and he asked if he could take me out sometime this week. A little overwhelmed by his interest and being, as stated above, really unused to this type of thing, I said I'd need to think about it, but gave him my number. And then he said, less than half-jokingly, that since there was a chance we wouldn't meet again, he didn't think he could let me leave without a kiss. Coming from most other men I've met, this would have caused me to make a break towards the museum security guard, but in this case I was into it and he could definitely tell. So, Reader, I did kiss him. And then after a few stops and starts, because my brain was trying to remind me that hello, you are Not This Kind of Girl, not with a stranger in broad daylight on a public street, hormones took over and we basically began making out right then and there and it was shockingly good. I was feeling apologetic towards the passers-by at first but sort of stopped caring after a few minutes. Then he said something to the effect of being more than okay with delaying going out, and heading in instead. I admitted it sounded just fine right then but that I needed to think it over after I cleared my head, and he had no problem with that and we went back to the making out. It was shortly very apparent that he was turned on, in fact ready to go, and by the end of it, so was I. During the course of our impromptu curbside tryst, he actually did lightly tug on my hair (holy hell) and murmur a few things that left me in little doubt that we had some overlapping interests in regards to specific bedroom activities. We eventually made it to goodbye, I said I'd call, and since then have gotten some flirty but nonpressuring texts.
Practical concerns:
- My temporary roommate situation makes it impossible for me to bring any guy home, and I wouldn't be okay with going to his place until we knew each other better.
- Because of this, I was thinking I'd offer to split the cost of a hotel? Alternative suggestions welcome.
- I'm on the pill, had the hpv shot, and would not pass go if he indicated condoms were unwelcome (and would bring my own to be sure).
- I'm not interested in anything romantically serious and am fine with the fact that he's probably hooking up with many other girls; my only thing is ensuring my physical safety during and after.
- Because I am new to the city and due to my situation before coming here, I do not have a single person who could function as an effective safecall. This is actually the point that gives me the most pause, because I'm not sure how to get around it.
So, patient mefites, should I go for it with this sexy not-exactly-a-gentleman? If so, how do I do it as safely as possible? I would be regretful if I had to tell him no thanks, but if that's the smartest thing to do, then okay. I feel 100% good about the encounter we did have, even though I would never in a billion years have expected either it, or my response to it. Anonymail at curbsidehookup@gmail.com.
Oh yeah - hotel. Maybe pay a little more for a nicer place, so it will be a pleasant experience and you can trust the front desk to respond to a HALP if you get weirded out (put the reception number on your cell with a quick dial shortcut, just like you would a go-to friend).
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:48 AM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:48 AM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
Just go to a hotel and do him already.
posted by teraspawn at 11:55 AM on March 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by teraspawn at 11:55 AM on March 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
Go on some dates in public first. You don't need a safecall in your city necessarily. Just call a friend or a family member and say "hey, I'm going to be at X place with [Dude's full name and phone number and address and email or any info you have on him]. If I don't text you by X time..."
posted by elpea at 11:56 AM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by elpea at 11:56 AM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
You only live once. Get at it already.
posted by Medieval Maven at 12:00 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Medieval Maven at 12:00 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sounds like a fun time! and it sounds like you are appropriately wary.
Go for it, maybe just have a regular date first and meet him for dinner/coffee so you have a little more time with him to make sure he again passes all your creep meters.
I can be your safe call in NYC if you want- memail me or use my username at gmail.
posted by rmless at 12:01 PM on March 14, 2011
Go for it, maybe just have a regular date first and meet him for dinner/coffee so you have a little more time with him to make sure he again passes all your creep meters.
I can be your safe call in NYC if you want- memail me or use my username at gmail.
posted by rmless at 12:01 PM on March 14, 2011
I have to second Medieval Maven. Just moved to a new city? Don't have an overly judgemental peer group yet? That's the perfect time to do this.
posted by The River Ivel at 12:02 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by The River Ivel at 12:02 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm with elope. The safecall can be long distance, or even virtual, like a MeFi friend.
So go for it! I don't know that a hotel is any safer than his place, but it's probably sexier and more fun, so that's a nice idea.
posted by Forktine at 12:02 PM on March 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
So go for it! I don't know that a hotel is any safer than his place, but it's probably sexier and more fun, so that's a nice idea.
posted by Forktine at 12:02 PM on March 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I tend to adopt a "first sex is on my home turf" policy precisely because of safety concerns. If things go bad, I don't want to also be digging through drawers looking for something to defend myself or tearing around trying to see if I remember where the door is; I know right where all the heavy and weapon-like things are and know where the phone is and the door is if I'm at home, and knowing I have that split second advantage if I need it -- even though I have never, ever needed it -- makes me a little more relaxed.
I hear you on the roommate situation -- but most roommates are willing to give you some space for a few hours if you say that you have a date that may go really, really well. If you're afraid they'll be kind of funny about the "this is just a hookup" factor, just don't mention that part.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:04 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I hear you on the roommate situation -- but most roommates are willing to give you some space for a few hours if you say that you have a date that may go really, really well. If you're afraid they'll be kind of funny about the "this is just a hookup" factor, just don't mention that part.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:04 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh my gosh, go have fun, you lucky girl!
posted by lagreen at 12:05 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by lagreen at 12:05 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh -- another idea. I have a sort of "code word" set up with a couple guy friends of mine; they know that if I call them out of nowhere and am having a pleasant chatty conversation with them, but I use the word "chimichanga" during that conversation, it is a coded message that "I AM IN TROUBLE AND I NEED SOMEONE TO COME RESCUE ME." Maybe a similar setup with your roommate is a good idea -- leave an address for where you're going to be, but if you start feeling like you're in trouble, pretend that you forgot to ask your roommate to do something and then call your roommate all chatty and say, "yeah, hi, just calling about the spackle paste, did you pick that up?..." or whatever.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:08 PM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:08 PM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
I do not have a single person who could function as an effective safecall.
Speaking as a hetero guy, where I the male in your situation, there would be no problem with the woman asking to see my license so she could snap a photo of it or call her girlfriend and giver her the info, while we standing there . When one is single, one does not ignore chemistry sex nor does one mind making sure everything and everyone is safe and game.
So express your fears, while not letting him know you don't know anyone, and ask for some identifying info. It could be as simple as "Hahaha, this is crazy, I usually don't do this, how do I know you're not some psycho? I at least need to a name and number before I go anywhere with you." If he's coy about that, it's a warning sign.
Otherwise, he doesn't have to know that you know no one in NYC, just pretend you're talking to someone when you're with him, like over coffee or right when you get to the room.
Regarding meeting people in New York:
Not sure how familiar you are with Metafilter, but members in the same city usually get together to meet and greet or just fun. Keep an eye on the In Real Life section of the site and a New York City meetup will probably happen pretty soon. Your question is anonymous, so no one will know your business.
On preview:
What elpea said
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:12 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Speaking as a hetero guy, where I the male in your situation, there would be no problem with the woman asking to see my license so she could snap a photo of it or call her girlfriend and giver her the info, while we standing there . When one is single, one does not ignore chemistry sex nor does one mind making sure everything and everyone is safe and game.
So express your fears, while not letting him know you don't know anyone, and ask for some identifying info. It could be as simple as "Hahaha, this is crazy, I usually don't do this, how do I know you're not some psycho? I at least need to a name and number before I go anywhere with you." If he's coy about that, it's a warning sign.
Otherwise, he doesn't have to know that you know no one in NYC, just pretend you're talking to someone when you're with him, like over coffee or right when you get to the room.
Regarding meeting people in New York:
Not sure how familiar you are with Metafilter, but members in the same city usually get together to meet and greet or just fun. Keep an eye on the In Real Life section of the site and a New York City meetup will probably happen pretty soon. Your question is anonymous, so no one will know your business.
On preview:
What elpea said
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:12 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Seriously-what museum, because we should all go there-that story is awesome. I agree with the group-go do this already. Long distance safecall works great, seconding the secret codeword. You could set it up so that a Mefi friend (or a long distance one, whatever) calls you at a pre-arranged time and if you don't use the word (or God forbid, don't answer) comes and finds you/calls the front desk to inquire after you/etc. That way, the safety is built in-doesn't require you to ask him to hold that thought so you can call your friend and reassure them you are ok.
As far as asking for ID as suggested by BB above-I never would have thought of this, but what a great idea-and he is right. No decent guy would mind-he'd understand your position.
Good luck and have a ball!
posted by supercapitalist at 12:28 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
As far as asking for ID as suggested by BB above-I never would have thought of this, but what a great idea-and he is right. No decent guy would mind-he'd understand your position.
Good luck and have a ball!
posted by supercapitalist at 12:28 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Fuck the shit out of him but don't fall for him.
posted by londongeezer at 12:36 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by londongeezer at 12:36 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh god yes, I'd take up the Mefite safecall possibility and maybe the suggestion of a coffee beforehand so you can check your instincts, and do this - I am more or less you (bar, like, height?), and this sounds insanely great.
Then can you share the secret how to make this happen?
posted by carbide at 12:46 PM on March 14, 2011
Then can you share the secret how to make this happen?
posted by carbide at 12:46 PM on March 14, 2011
Dude, just call him up and ask him out on a date. You might end up boning, which is fine (you're both adults, after all), or you might end up developing a deeper sort of relationship. Just keep your mind open and see where it goes.
Oh, and ditch the Not that Kind of Girl and Not a Gentleman talk (unless that's your thing). It's perfectly gentlemanly to kiss someone who seems receptive of it, in broad daylight, even, and flirty flirtyness doesn't make you an icky slut, either.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:47 PM on March 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh, and ditch the Not that Kind of Girl and Not a Gentleman talk (unless that's your thing). It's perfectly gentlemanly to kiss someone who seems receptive of it, in broad daylight, even, and flirty flirtyness doesn't make you an icky slut, either.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:47 PM on March 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is awesome, and I trust your senses, and I trust your loins...
But honestly he sounds like creeper fest to me, several other women he's made out with on the street chopped up in his freezer, sells you into slavery creepertown.
You're size 16, which as far as I'm concerned is right about where a healthy woman should be but regardless of your size you stand out in a crowd: You're quite clearly not from the area, you're probably self conscious about your body type, you're probably intentionally avoiding eye contact, you probably don't quite fit in in a couple ways that are noticeable really only to people who are looking for people who don't fit in. Then he sort of cold read you, and you were a pretty easy mark, and 3 minutes later he had his tongue in your throat.
All of which is absolutely fine and dandy if you're ready to admit that he's absolutely done this before and he's absolutely not interested in you as a person, which is unfair to say but safe to assume from where I stand. I can really see this going from "moderately submissive" to "chained to the wall and abused."
Do it, but please PLEASE do the safecall.
posted by TomMelee at 1:11 PM on March 14, 2011 [12 favorites]
But honestly he sounds like creeper fest to me, several other women he's made out with on the street chopped up in his freezer, sells you into slavery creepertown.
You're size 16, which as far as I'm concerned is right about where a healthy woman should be but regardless of your size you stand out in a crowd: You're quite clearly not from the area, you're probably self conscious about your body type, you're probably intentionally avoiding eye contact, you probably don't quite fit in in a couple ways that are noticeable really only to people who are looking for people who don't fit in. Then he sort of cold read you, and you were a pretty easy mark, and 3 minutes later he had his tongue in your throat.
All of which is absolutely fine and dandy if you're ready to admit that he's absolutely done this before and he's absolutely not interested in you as a person, which is unfair to say but safe to assume from where I stand. I can really see this going from "moderately submissive" to "chained to the wall and abused."
Do it, but please PLEASE do the safecall.
posted by TomMelee at 1:11 PM on March 14, 2011 [12 favorites]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! TomMelee, I love you, but I don't know if your description of the poster fits her at all. Girls who intentionally avoid eye contact don't usually lock gazes with strangers. She noticed his attractive stride (love that phrase, btw)! What I mean is that she sounds pretty damn confident to me, and observant and self-aware. Not what I would pick for a mark, but then again I'm also not a scary, NYC guy who chops women up and puts them in his freezer (?!?!).
posted by lagreen at 1:30 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by lagreen at 1:30 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, for sure, I hope I'm wrong. Certainly don't know the OP at all and hope that she's exactly the opposite of what I said. :)
posted by TomMelee at 1:36 PM on March 14, 2011
posted by TomMelee at 1:36 PM on March 14, 2011
Boy. Your story is hawt. I can definitely see the appeal. This kind of reminds me of the movie 9 1/2 Weeks, which is kind of a story about "boy meets girl, they're into sexual control type things, it gets hot and sexy fast". If you haven't seen it, you'd probably... enjoy it.
I think you should go for it. Definitely suggest a hotel. Get his name and number. Any guy who doesn't want to show concern for your safety isn't a guy who you want to share special sexytimes with. Take one of the Mefi members up on the offer of functioning as a safecall and go to a Mefi meetup, because meetups are awesome and you can make some new friends.
But I would counsel you to guard your heart. This guy seems like the kind of guy that it would be easy to get heart-fluttery about, but you have no way of knowing yet if he's worth that or going to be interested in that.
So go get your sex on! Safely!
posted by Night_owl at 1:43 PM on March 14, 2011
I think you should go for it. Definitely suggest a hotel. Get his name and number. Any guy who doesn't want to show concern for your safety isn't a guy who you want to share special sexytimes with. Take one of the Mefi members up on the offer of functioning as a safecall and go to a Mefi meetup, because meetups are awesome and you can make some new friends.
But I would counsel you to guard your heart. This guy seems like the kind of guy that it would be easy to get heart-fluttery about, but you have no way of knowing yet if he's worth that or going to be interested in that.
So go get your sex on! Safely!
posted by Night_owl at 1:43 PM on March 14, 2011
Night_owl: "Boy. Your story is hawt. I can definitely see the appeal. This kind of reminds me of the movie 9 1/2 Weeks, which is kind of a story about "boy meets girl, they're into sexual control type things, it gets hot and sexy fast". If you haven't seen it, you'd probably... enjoy it. Safely!"
You might not want to watch the entire movie until after your date because it gets a little creeptastic. The first 1/2 of the movie is all good...so watch that part and go have fun. Stay safe and good luck!
posted by victoriab at 2:02 PM on March 14, 2011
You might not want to watch the entire movie until after your date because it gets a little creeptastic. The first 1/2 of the movie is all good...so watch that part and go have fun. Stay safe and good luck!
posted by victoriab at 2:02 PM on March 14, 2011
This is a touch snarky, but it's well deserved:
If this dude suggests that you move into his house "rent free" but in exchange for sex and household chores, RUN AWAY!!!!
Snark aside, I have to say this sets off all my big city street smart red flags. I would never in a million years hook up with someone in this way - especially the part where you were perusing a subway map in front of a tourist attraction.
But sometimes my big city street smarts prevent me from having exciting adventures. So who knows? Maybe this will be a great thing. I'm sure others are busy giving you advice about meeting in a public place, telling someone where you plan to be, etc. Do all that stuff. Yeah. Be careful. But have fun!
posted by Sara C. at 2:41 PM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
If this dude suggests that you move into his house "rent free" but in exchange for sex and household chores, RUN AWAY!!!!
Snark aside, I have to say this sets off all my big city street smart red flags. I would never in a million years hook up with someone in this way - especially the part where you were perusing a subway map in front of a tourist attraction.
But sometimes my big city street smarts prevent me from having exciting adventures. So who knows? Maybe this will be a great thing. I'm sure others are busy giving you advice about meeting in a public place, telling someone where you plan to be, etc. Do all that stuff. Yeah. Be careful. But have fun!
posted by Sara C. at 2:41 PM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT
but be sure to, you know, wear your seatbelt and let people know where you're going IYKWIM AITYD
posted by scrump at 4:00 PM on March 14, 2011 [10 favorites]
but be sure to, you know, wear your seatbelt and let people know where you're going IYKWIM AITYD
posted by scrump at 4:00 PM on March 14, 2011 [10 favorites]
I would also sound a note of caution -- I can't pinpoint why, but this sets off my alarm bells. All the advice about being careful you've given is really good, but I would also advise you to decide what you personally are comfortable with ahead of time and STICK WITH IT. Think about various scenarios so you don't have to decide yes or no at the time; a definite "No" and "I'm not comfortable with that" is much stronger than a confused "Oh, I...um...", so just make sure you know your own boundaries.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:27 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Good luck with whatever you decide!
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 4:27 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seriously? Am I the only person here who doesn't fuck people until I know they're not going to kill me? You're all cool with random strangers who start pulling your hair and whispering about S&M on the street?
"you might end up developing a deeper sort of relationship"
With the kind of man who uses lines on a complete stranger like "he didn't think he could let her leave without a kiss"? Really? That seems likely to you?
posted by aquafortis at 4:35 PM on March 14, 2011 [11 favorites]
"you might end up developing a deeper sort of relationship"
With the kind of man who uses lines on a complete stranger like "he didn't think he could let her leave without a kiss"? Really? That seems likely to you?
posted by aquafortis at 4:35 PM on March 14, 2011 [11 favorites]
"There was zero Pickup Artist weirdness from him, just good old-fashioned confidence and charm."
I think this is the whole point of pickup artist stuff. Maybe check out some "day game" videos on youtube such as this one. But I'm all for people getting it on, just realize that it's not some twist of fate.
posted by Durin's Bane at 4:40 PM on March 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
I think this is the whole point of pickup artist stuff. Maybe check out some "day game" videos on youtube such as this one. But I'm all for people getting it on, just realize that it's not some twist of fate.
posted by Durin's Bane at 4:40 PM on March 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
With the kind of man who uses lines on a complete stranger like "he didn't think he could let her leave without a kiss"? Really? That seems likely to you?
Sure, it's a line. But I don't see anything particularly wrong with going on a date with an attractive stranger--in fact, I think that's probably safer than jumping in the sack with him at a random hotel.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:08 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sure, it's a line. But I don't see anything particularly wrong with going on a date with an attractive stranger--in fact, I think that's probably safer than jumping in the sack with him at a random hotel.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:08 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to vote for creepy. I am a little shaken up after a friend's neighbour was recently attacked in the apartment across the hall. The girl was fresh to the city (Toronto), met this guy, said he seemed perfectly normal and charming (well dressed, well off, etc.), and she let him into her apartment and he brutally attacked her.
Cities are scary places. You can have good hot s/m sex with a partner who thinks you're hella hot, but take your time choosing who that's going to be.
posted by whalebreath at 6:31 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cities are scary places. You can have good hot s/m sex with a partner who thinks you're hella hot, but take your time choosing who that's going to be.
posted by whalebreath at 6:31 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
victoriab: "You might not want to watch the entire movie until after your date because it gets a little creeptastic. The first 1/2 of the movie is all good...so watch that part"
Au contraire, I think she should watch the whole thing. She'll get an idea of what she could be getting herself into.
posted by Night_owl at 7:41 PM on March 14, 2011
Au contraire, I think she should watch the whole thing. She'll get an idea of what she could be getting herself into.
posted by Night_owl at 7:41 PM on March 14, 2011
Honey, I would run. Well, not run, but I wouldn't jump into bed with this guy either. The thing that would make me suspicious is your size differential. You describe him as "well built" which I took for in shape, muscular, etc., while you are a size 18. And before anyone starts typing about how I'm a bigot, just stop before you even start. I spent many years as a size 18 woman myself, so I'm not typing this out of prejudice but out of experience. I'm not saying larger women aren't sexy or desirable or any of that stuff. I'm not saying the original poster isn't pretty. When I was heavy, I was with guys thinner than me. But typically we were roughly equal in the looks department or the attraction was also based on personality. If this guy is significantly better looking than you physically, I would be suspicious.
Because he didn't just happen to meet you and get into a conversation with you and flirt with you. He made it a point to come over to you. He kissed you,..you didn't happen to kiss, he kissed you...and pretty soon you guys were making out on the street. He pulled your hair and talking about certain sexual activities not knowing anything about your sexual preferences. Maybe he thinks because of your size you have low self-esteem and he can push you around. Maybe he thinks you're an easy lay because most guys don't pay attention to you. And if you want to get laid, that works in your favor! Maybe he has a fetish for larger women...again, could work in your favor. But you need to figure out his angle before you dive into this.
posted by unannihilated at 7:55 PM on March 14, 2011
Because he didn't just happen to meet you and get into a conversation with you and flirt with you. He made it a point to come over to you. He kissed you,..you didn't happen to kiss, he kissed you...and pretty soon you guys were making out on the street. He pulled your hair and talking about certain sexual activities not knowing anything about your sexual preferences. Maybe he thinks because of your size you have low self-esteem and he can push you around. Maybe he thinks you're an easy lay because most guys don't pay attention to you. And if you want to get laid, that works in your favor! Maybe he has a fetish for larger women...again, could work in your favor. But you need to figure out his angle before you dive into this.
posted by unannihilated at 7:55 PM on March 14, 2011
A few responders have been suspicious because of your/his builds, but I have to say when I was a size 16 I got hit on like crazy by guys of all shapes and sizes, and ended up having lots of fun with a guy similar to your description - well built, tall, picked me up out of the blue in a big city. (Don't worry, not the same city). It went on for a while, was great, and I didn't end up in a freezer.
If you're a guy who likes a voluptuous woman, NY is probably a bit of a wasteland. Maybe you were just his type and he had lust at first sight. I would go on a date with him first, just for the opportunity to have some sexy flirting and good tension.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:28 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you're a guy who likes a voluptuous woman, NY is probably a bit of a wasteland. Maybe you were just his type and he had lust at first sight. I would go on a date with him first, just for the opportunity to have some sexy flirting and good tension.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:28 PM on March 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yay, awesome hot sex, I wish I'd been less cautious in some ways, back when I was younger and single.
But...yeah, you totally need a checkup call, and I'd say you need him to take you on a date (in public) before you're alone with him. See if the dude can keep up the allure (with no warning signs) for an hour before you trust him. Best case scenario is that you're both even hotter with desire by the time you've hit the bed/floor/wherever you land.
posted by desuetude at 8:48 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
But...yeah, you totally need a checkup call, and I'd say you need him to take you on a date (in public) before you're alone with him. See if the dude can keep up the allure (with no warning signs) for an hour before you trust him. Best case scenario is that you're both even hotter with desire by the time you've hit the bed/floor/wherever you land.
posted by desuetude at 8:48 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
If this guy is significantly better looking than you physically, I would be suspicious.
She said she was size 18, but from that we don't know how "good looking" she is. Not all size-18's are created equal- size 18 at 5'2" and size 18 at 6' would look vastly different. Size 18 with an hourglass shape and size 18 with an apple shape also would look really different.
That being said, I mainly agree with unannihilated that you need to be careful. It's definitely possible that this guy is very attracted to you but I think it's also likely he is taking advantage of you and acting abnormally. I'm sorry, but I just don't think nice, normal guys would do this.....and I've lived in big cities and around the world, so I don't think I have a sheltered point of view.
posted by bearette at 8:55 PM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
She said she was size 18, but from that we don't know how "good looking" she is. Not all size-18's are created equal- size 18 at 5'2" and size 18 at 6' would look vastly different. Size 18 with an hourglass shape and size 18 with an apple shape also would look really different.
That being said, I mainly agree with unannihilated that you need to be careful. It's definitely possible that this guy is very attracted to you but I think it's also likely he is taking advantage of you and acting abnormally. I'm sorry, but I just don't think nice, normal guys would do this.....and I've lived in big cities and around the world, so I don't think I have a sheltered point of view.
posted by bearette at 8:55 PM on March 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
Take a friend (your roommate?) with you the first time you meet him in public.
That way, even if your friend leaves you guys alone once you are comfortable, at least someone besides you will have had eyes on this guy!
posted by jbenben at 9:58 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
That way, even if your friend leaves you guys alone once you are comfortable, at least someone besides you will have had eyes on this guy!
posted by jbenben at 9:58 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can see how this experience is exciting for you (new, fun city and new, fun guy), but this sounds scary to me. I think that, most of the time, the over-the-top, amorous, aggressively forward hot guy is actually a control freak pick-up artist with no boundaries who does not have a very high opinion of women. I'd say wait awhile on this one and observe his behavior over a few encounters before getting more involved.
posted by mudlark at 10:57 PM on March 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by mudlark at 10:57 PM on March 14, 2011 [7 favorites]
You seem entirely comfortable with the fact that this man is almost certainly not boyfriend material and that his primary interest in you is sexual. On the one hand that makes things simpler, in that you don't have to worry that he's only interested in getting your underwear off, because having him ripping it off is just fine with you. On the other hand, it does remove some of the filters you could otherwise use to vet him.
The problem is that the two most likely hypotheses are very similar:
posted by Busy Old Fool at 3:58 AM on March 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
The problem is that the two most likely hypotheses are very similar:
- He is a skilled lothario who spotted you as a likely target, successfully got your number & kissed you and is hoping that you'll agree to a meeting so that he can achieve his primary goal, which is to have a kinky and consensual sexual encounter with you.
- He is a skilled lothario who spotted you as a likely target, successfully got your number & kissed you and is hoping that you'll agree to a meeting so that he can achieve his primary goal, which is to have an abusive and non-consensual sexual encounter with you.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 3:58 AM on March 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Grew up in NYC. My creep-o-meter is going crazy. DO NOT DO THIS. This casebook pickup with bad intentions. Within 30 minutes this guy established that you have low boundaries and that you are willing to consider being in a very intimate and vunerable situation with someone you don't know. And as much as it sounds like a romance novel, to me it sounds like the pre-amble of a serial killer.
If you must go ahead and I can't say how much I think you shouldnt:
- Show up with a friend next time.
- Have the friend take a picture on their phone and insist on emailing it to you both
- Now your friend has his picture and his email and something clearly linking all three of you
- Meet in public areas
- Get his name and SSN (if you can) and run a background check on him (literally, web services will do it)
posted by zia at 3:21 PM on March 15, 2011
If you must go ahead and I can't say how much I think you shouldnt:
- Show up with a friend next time.
- Have the friend take a picture on their phone and insist on emailing it to you both
- Now your friend has his picture and his email and something clearly linking all three of you
- Meet in public areas
- Get his name and SSN (if you can) and run a background check on him (literally, web services will do it)
posted by zia at 3:21 PM on March 15, 2011
nthing watching some day game/pua vids. The kiss dialogue was textbook PUA. Sorry.
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 7:12 PM on March 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 7:12 PM on March 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
but hell...as long as you are careful (really really careful) and view this as casual, who cares? Just be sure that you would be OK with this being a onetime thing.
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 7:14 PM on March 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by screamingnotlaughing at 7:14 PM on March 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to be another downer, but this story is setting off my creep-o-meter big-time as well. Is there a chance he could be sincere, with no intentions of harming you? Sure. Is that at all likely? No.
The suggestions upthread about arranging a scheduled phone call to the hotel are well-intentioned but won't do you any good if he harms you as soon as you two are alone in the room together.
So, if you're determined to see him again, meet him for a date...in a public place, during daylight hours. Have a lunch date. Maybe even two dates to be safe. Have your roommate meet him and get her opinion too.
posted by whitelily at 9:42 PM on March 15, 2011
The suggestions upthread about arranging a scheduled phone call to the hotel are well-intentioned but won't do you any good if he harms you as soon as you two are alone in the room together.
So, if you're determined to see him again, meet him for a date...in a public place, during daylight hours. Have a lunch date. Maybe even two dates to be safe. Have your roommate meet him and get her opinion too.
posted by whitelily at 9:42 PM on March 15, 2011
OK, first off, this happened in NYC. There are freaks everywhere but seriously, you just got to NYC and they have the professional level, sophisticated, creme de la creme of crazy there. I am certain you are not ready for this.
Be very wary of a man this confident. Once my mom tried to warn me from a guy like this. That guy tried to rape me. If I didn't start screaming at him and hitting him in the head, he would have. He later married someone and became an alcoholic and an abuser.
Another woman I know of...a man rushed across a busy street to grab her and kiss her. He apologized saying he couldn't help himself. He was so charming. They got together. He beat her a few times before she left him.
Unless you've already been initiated into S&M or something and it doesn't sound like you have--DON'T DO THIS!!!
Enjoy the hot moment you had. That's most likely to stay happy memory so long as you never see this guy again.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 9:24 PM on March 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Be very wary of a man this confident. Once my mom tried to warn me from a guy like this. That guy tried to rape me. If I didn't start screaming at him and hitting him in the head, he would have. He later married someone and became an alcoholic and an abuser.
Another woman I know of...a man rushed across a busy street to grab her and kiss her. He apologized saying he couldn't help himself. He was so charming. They got together. He beat her a few times before she left him.
Unless you've already been initiated into S&M or something and it doesn't sound like you have--DON'T DO THIS!!!
Enjoy the hot moment you had. That's most likely to stay happy memory so long as you never see this guy again.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 9:24 PM on March 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
Going on a date with someone who you are not romantically interested in seems weird.
Just having sex with someone off the street (really, he is, right?) seems weird, too.
So, it seems...this is too weird.
If you ARE interested in him romantically, I wouldn't have sex with him right away, anyways. It has always made things awkward for me.
So..a date, I think.
I wouldn't do it but I'd be curious. I might go on a date with him, but no hotel!
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:01 PM on March 23, 2011
Just having sex with someone off the street (really, he is, right?) seems weird, too.
So, it seems...this is too weird.
If you ARE interested in him romantically, I wouldn't have sex with him right away, anyways. It has always made things awkward for me.
So..a date, I think.
I wouldn't do it but I'd be curious. I might go on a date with him, but no hotel!
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:01 PM on March 23, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
if you're worried about stranger danger, make the first few dates in public places with lots of other people around.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:45 AM on March 14, 2011 [12 favorites]