Bitchin' about stitchin'.
March 12, 2011 11:44 AM   Subscribe

I need clever/offensive quotes and sayings to put on samplers.

Because I don't have enough hobbies (knitting, spinning, brewing, decoupage, needle felting, cooking, baking, gardening, etc.) I have decided to try my hand at cross stitch.

But my brain is thwarting me when I try to come up with things to stitch. I've looked through Subversive Crossstitch, related Flickr galleries, Etsy, and previous Ask questions but nothing is really speaking to me.

So what could I stitch on a sampler?

I like geekery, indie music and hip hop, sci-fi, my favorite films are Super Troopers and anything by Wes Anderson, and my favorite TV shows are BSG, Firefly, Psych, Mythbusters, Big Love, and Flight of the Conchords.

Yes, I am aware that I am one big indie geek girl cliché.
posted by elsietheeel to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (60 answers total) 34 users marked this as a favorite
I made my friend a "Homo Sweet Homo" sampler, which he loved, but you should obviously consider your audience.
posted by runningwithscissors at 11:51 AM on March 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

Check out some of the craft groups on flickr, they have some great examples that I have used for inspiration in the past:

Embroidery and science
Cross Stitch Crazy
Subversive Cross Stitch
Geek Craft
posted by Captain_Science at 11:53 AM on March 12, 2011

There is a set of magnets with insults pulled from Shakespeare quotes. Maybe you'd like some of them, you green sickness carrion.

If you leave the word "cross stitch" out of your search, you can find lots of quotes from those shows you like. I like "How's business? None of yours." from Firefly.
posted by CathyG at 11:55 AM on March 12, 2011

Honey Badger Don't Give A Shit
I Will Deploy My Ordinance To The Ground
Gimme a Litre of Cola
Moustache Rides, ¢50
C-C-C-Combo Breaker!
This Mess Is A Place
Part-Time Model
Mother-flippin' Hiphopapotamus
posted by carsonb at 11:58 AM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Good opportunity to share a great story.

“She makes these like needlework embroideries on set in the tedium of filming”, says MacFadyen, “but they are all: ‘You Are a Cunt’. And she gives them as presents. And it’s Dame Judi Dench. And she is doing this beautifully, intricate, ornate (work). You kind of see the work materializing as the shoot goes on. Like: ‘You Are a Fucking Shit.’ Knightley never received her embroidered cushion from Dench but remarks: “I love that! She gives this fantastic air. She just sits there and she embroiders and you think: ‘Oh, that’s so nice! It’s Judi Dench. It’s so quaint; she’s embroidering a cushion,’ and you go: ‘What are you embroidering?’ And (it says): ‘Fuck!’ Apparently she’s got hundreds of them just covered in swear words or rude sayings.”

posted by you're a kitty! at 12:05 PM on March 12, 2011 [67 favorites]

Youa culpa
posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:10 PM on March 12, 2011

"It's not punishment if you like it, if you start liking it then you'll start demanding it and then it just becomes work."
posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:10 PM on March 12, 2011

If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking. --Patton
posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:11 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

you get the guru you deserve
posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:12 PM on March 12, 2011

My uncle still has a cross-stitch made for him by one of his college girlfriends. Apparently she had rather large boobs, a point which I'm sure did not go unappreciated by my uncle. The cross-stitch has two owls and says, in neat little cross-stitch print, "NICE HOOTERS!"

You could take this a step farther and just straight up cross-stitch a set of tits. Maybe with "hooray boobs!" written under it.
posted by phunniemee at 12:13 PM on March 12, 2011

Best answer: My wife cross-stitched my sister one of those HOME SWEET HOME-style wall hangings, complete with a picture of an an adorable little house, with the words GO FUCK YOURSELF instead. It hangs on her wall to this day.

But if you're looking for something nerdy, maybe a nice Office Space quote like "It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:17 PM on March 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

"I tried to come up with a creative idea and all I got was this 5yr old idea off the internet."
posted by fire&wings at 12:18 PM on March 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps." Emo Phillips
posted by ScotsLament at 12:21 PM on March 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

Does it have to be offensive? What about "I reject your reality and substitute my own" from (MeFi's own) Adam Savage?
posted by somanyamys at 12:33 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Are you looking for the naughty/nerdy patterns because other cross stitch patterns are so lame and twee? Because there are some unbelievably cool monochrome patterns that would look super-classy if framed and hung.
posted by lilnublet at 12:39 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

"and the horse you rode in on"
posted by tel3path at 12:42 PM on March 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

I think you should do the "Fantastic Mr. Fox" series:

"If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss! "

Meles Meles: Demolitions expert.

"Excuse me? Am I being flirted with by a psychotic rat? "
posted by MonkeyToes at 12:44 PM on March 12, 2011

I agree with lilnublet, you should do some blackwork.
posted by interplanetjanet at 12:54 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the Dictionary somewhere between "shit" and "syphilis."

Note: don't give this to friends in the hospital, probably
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 1:02 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

how about something like a bsg viper in profile and 'frak cylons' under neath it.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:04 PM on March 12, 2011

actually "frak the toasters" would be better.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:04 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

posted by showbiz_liz at 1:13 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

So say we all.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:14 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Si ergo Bibo" = "You are, therefore I Drink". Not a latin expert, so anyone that can see that it needs correcting please feel free. Also I remember something from a doormat: "Come back with a warrant"
posted by alchemist at 1:15 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Same shit, different pants.
posted by alphanerd at 1:18 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

”In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in water there is bacteria.”
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:18 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Radical Cross Stitch offers a free pattern for "I Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own."

I like the first two samples on this page.
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:25 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

You could do a scarf that says,

Bah bah bah, bah bah bah bah, bah bah bah bah bah bah!

If anyone asks you what it is, you say that it's the opening music to BSG.
posted by SpacemanStix at 1:26 PM on March 12, 2011

Best answer: I have found the lyrics of the Smiths to be a rich source of inspiration for samplers.
posted by corey flood at 1:27 PM on March 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Can I just chime in to second "Honey badger don't give a shit"?
posted by en forme de poire at 1:31 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

“Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.”
"We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault."
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power."

all, Ashleigh Brilliant

also, "Friends are God's apology for family," Twain.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:35 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Your Chicken
Your Egg
Your Problem
posted by brainwane at 1:38 PM on March 12, 2011

Best answer: "$5, same as in town."
posted by Alison at 1:39 PM on March 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

Or perhaps you'd prefer a traditional sampler, once shown as proof of a young woman's needlework abilities (and therefore marriageability):


Worked by
In the Year 2011
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:13 PM on March 12, 2011 [37 favorites]

I'm being told that is a good place for original craziness in stitched form.
posted by inturnaround at 2:23 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

posted by timetoevolve at 2:32 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

My husband (boyfriend at the time) gave me a pillow for my bed decorated with beautifully calligraphed Shakesperean euphemisms for sex. It lives on our sofa now and nobody's ever noticed what it really says.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:34 PM on March 12, 2011

posted by medeine at 2:41 PM on March 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 3:07 PM on March 12, 2011

Best answer: Pixel People on Etsy has designs of little pop culture people to cross stitch, like the casts of Firefly, Breakfast Club and Doctor Who. Perhaps you could stitch your favourite quote from the show underneath?
posted by Georgina at 3:38 PM on March 12, 2011

How about "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves"?

I really liked that one from my days as a cubicle worker...
posted by braemar at 4:19 PM on March 12, 2011

So it goes.
posted by fancyoats at 4:24 PM on March 12, 2011

My personal motto, "You're only young once ... but you can always be immature."
posted by thinkpiece at 5:11 PM on March 12, 2011

Best answer: I have on my wall a sampler-style cross-stitch I designed. Inside an artful pink-and-green flowered border, it says: "OMGWTFBBQ??!!1!"

I also have one that has a picture of a Mario Bros. pipe, with "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" in a a Magritte-esque script underneath.

God, I love cross-stitching non-cutesy things. If you're at all into gaming, you might also be able to gank some inspiration from Sprite Stitch.
posted by badgermushroomSNAKE at 5:25 PM on March 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ah, I see your charges of hypocrisy, and I raise you a "go fuck yourself." (Jon Stewart)
posted by cocoagirl at 6:15 PM on March 12, 2011

Think of it as evolution in action.
posted by Bruce H. at 6:15 PM on March 12, 2011

"Got us some crime to be done."
There's probably more in the Firefly quotes, but I'm liking that one.

I'd also suggest Tina the troubled teen from Brunching Shuttlecocks, but I don't know where you'd find her anymore, so I memailed you.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:54 PM on March 12, 2011

I'm fond of the phrase, "Eff all y'all."
posted by illenion at 11:34 PM on March 12, 2011

I think doing some sort of encryption or symbol-based pattern would be geeky cool. I found a QR code that looks neat. Binary in binary. More binary.

Or you could subvert the traditional alphabet sampler by doing it in wing dings.

You may have seen this flickr user already: cross-stitch ninja.
posted by clerestory at 4:26 AM on March 13, 2011

posted by sickinthehead at 5:51 AM on March 13, 2011

My friend embroidered a tea towel with "fuck this, I'm off for a wank" in the neatest cross-stitch you ever did see.
posted by teraspawn at 8:03 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh yes steotch takes cross stitching to a whole new level!

Personally I would go with the Adam Savage quote because it's hilarious/ubiquitous or So Say We All because BSG is awesome.

Also the Mario/Magritte is awesome!

I will say that for gifts, nothing beats SCS's Happy Fucking Holidays - I made one for my mom, turned it into a super-frilly pillow, and it was awesome!
posted by radioamy at 9:47 AM on March 13, 2011

You know where "sympathy" is in the dictionary?
Right between "shit" and "syphilis."
One of my grandma's favorite sayings.
posted by Capt.DooDooFace at 10:03 AM on March 13, 2011

Best answer: I woule rather thrilled to have any of the following nicely embroidered on my wall, so since you like Firefly, maybe you'd like one or another of them.

"Big Damn Heroes"
"I aim to misbehave"
"Let's be bad guys"
"I'll be in my bunk." --Jayne
"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!" "Mine is an evil laugh!" --Wash
"I can kill you with my brain." -- River
"We are just too pretty for God to let us die." --Mal
"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you." --Mal
"Mercy is the mark of a great man. Guess I'm just a good man." --Mal
"I'm going to the Special Hell." --Mal
"My days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." --Mal
"This must be what going mad feels like." --Simon
"A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything" --Wash (with, obviously, image of The Hat)
"You're my kinda stupid." --Mal
"We may experience some slight turbulence and then explode." --Mal
"It's worse than you know." "It usually is." --Operative and Mal
"I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar." --Wash
posted by galadriel at 11:45 AM on March 13, 2011

Lately I'm a big fan of "Shakespeare got to get paid, son." - which is from a Married To The Sea comic.

Their t-shirts have a lot of the better catchphrases they've come up with, some of which rely on the imagery and some of which don't. ("It's Mother Fuckin Booze Time!" is also a good one for a sampler).
posted by Sara C. at 12:56 PM on March 13, 2011

Get Robert Heinlein's "The Notebooks of Lazarus Long" and pick a phrase at random.

It's basically a whole book of illuminated letters, but the words in question are all pithy things that the titular character has said in one of the books. You can read the text here, but the caliigraphy is beautiful in its own right.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:43 AM on March 14, 2011

My sister has an embroidered saying in her kitchen. "Housework makes you ugly - Edith Ann"
posted by theora55 at 8:47 AM on March 14, 2011

Geekery, you say? If you and your guests are Perl hackers, may I suggest:

bless $this, $class;

posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 12:15 AM on March 15, 2011

Response by poster: I'm currently doing a pineapple with "you know that's right" under it.

I will then stitch "there's always money in the banana stand" as a baby shower gift for a friend.

And then I will do this because it's too amazing for words. Thank you, Georgina!

After that, we shall see if I'm sick of cross stitch yet.

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who responded!
posted by elsietheeel at 10:27 AM on March 30, 2011

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