Romance Noob
March 6, 2011 10:11 AM Subscribe
How do I not be silly when it comes to relationships?
Single female, early 20’s, straight
This may be one of those unanswerable questions, since it seems likely that every person is a fool in love at least once in their life…but bear with me. Lots of beanplating ahead :(
So I have zero relationship experience. A combination of strict upbringing and religion (but mainly religion, which is another question entirely) has helped me reach this point without kissing/anything physical—nothing but flirting/hugging/as much physical contact as you might have with a friend. I have no problem with the flirting, though...or frank talk about sex and anything like that. I guess I’ve been unconsciously doing the “fake it ‘til you make it” thing, playing things off to the point where I’m almost positive that everyone except my closest friend and family thinks I had some previous relationship experience/sexual history.
I think they might also get this impression because I’ve never really been particularly worried about not being in a relationship—most of the time I’m actually quite content to be single. Sometimes I’ll see my friends or some stranger being cute with their significant other, and I’ll feel that little twinge of “wow, having that seems really great.” Then I usually get over it when I think about how much freedom I’ll lose/how much work it would be if I had a boyfriend. I do want to get married some day, but I’ve always just had the–perhaps, false—confidence that it’ll just happen when I meet the right person. I’m not opposed to being in a relationship, but thus far 1) guys have expressed interest and I haven’t felt the same and 2) the people I’ve crushed on haven’t reciprocated. As such, I’ve never dated, and have been generally cool with that.
Recently I’ve found myself in that rare situation where I’m interested in a guy and it seems like the feeling might be mutual. It’s at the total crush stage though, so I’m just giving it time. It got me to thinking, though…what the hell do I do if it actually progresses further? As much as I joke around with my friends about relationships/sex, I realize that I really have no idea what to do if I actually found myself in one. Like I said earlier, fake it until I make it. So what happens when I actually make it? I feel like I’ll inevitably stumble through that “first relationship ever!” phase when (if?) I finally find myself in a relationship. Which seems totally inappropriate when I’m in my 20’s, and likely to scare guys off. How do I not be silly and idiotic? What have you learned from your earlier relationships that benefited your later relationships? General advice for late….LATE bloomers also welcome.
Anonymous because as much as people say it’s okay, I feel it slightly embarrassing and totally juvenile that I have to ask this question. Sorry for the length (and the excessive use of the word "relationship"), I thought I would be thorough since this is anon.
Single female, early 20’s, straight
This may be one of those unanswerable questions, since it seems likely that every person is a fool in love at least once in their life…but bear with me. Lots of beanplating ahead :(
So I have zero relationship experience. A combination of strict upbringing and religion (but mainly religion, which is another question entirely) has helped me reach this point without kissing/anything physical—nothing but flirting/hugging/as much physical contact as you might have with a friend. I have no problem with the flirting, though...or frank talk about sex and anything like that. I guess I’ve been unconsciously doing the “fake it ‘til you make it” thing, playing things off to the point where I’m almost positive that everyone except my closest friend and family thinks I had some previous relationship experience/sexual history.
I think they might also get this impression because I’ve never really been particularly worried about not being in a relationship—most of the time I’m actually quite content to be single. Sometimes I’ll see my friends or some stranger being cute with their significant other, and I’ll feel that little twinge of “wow, having that seems really great.” Then I usually get over it when I think about how much freedom I’ll lose/how much work it would be if I had a boyfriend. I do want to get married some day, but I’ve always just had the–perhaps, false—confidence that it’ll just happen when I meet the right person. I’m not opposed to being in a relationship, but thus far 1) guys have expressed interest and I haven’t felt the same and 2) the people I’ve crushed on haven’t reciprocated. As such, I’ve never dated, and have been generally cool with that.
Recently I’ve found myself in that rare situation where I’m interested in a guy and it seems like the feeling might be mutual. It’s at the total crush stage though, so I’m just giving it time. It got me to thinking, though…what the hell do I do if it actually progresses further? As much as I joke around with my friends about relationships/sex, I realize that I really have no idea what to do if I actually found myself in one. Like I said earlier, fake it until I make it. So what happens when I actually make it? I feel like I’ll inevitably stumble through that “first relationship ever!” phase when (if?) I finally find myself in a relationship. Which seems totally inappropriate when I’m in my 20’s, and likely to scare guys off. How do I not be silly and idiotic? What have you learned from your earlier relationships that benefited your later relationships? General advice for late….LATE bloomers also welcome.
Anonymous because as much as people say it’s okay, I feel it slightly embarrassing and totally juvenile that I have to ask this question. Sorry for the length (and the excessive use of the word "relationship"), I thought I would be thorough since this is anon.
Kiss him, you fool.
Seriously, do it. Just jump in there and gleefully, joyfully make lots of small mistakes, just like all the rest of us schmucks. The only way you learn this stuff is take advice and then go apply it yourself. If you're not making mistakes, you're not learning anything.
"Hey, you, crush object."
"Yeah?"
"Let's go get a beer."
"OK."
"But first, come here. You've got something on your face..."
And you lean in close and steal a kiss. Done. Winning.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:23 AM on March 6, 2011 [10 favorites]
Seriously, do it. Just jump in there and gleefully, joyfully make lots of small mistakes, just like all the rest of us schmucks. The only way you learn this stuff is take advice and then go apply it yourself. If you're not making mistakes, you're not learning anything.
"Hey, you, crush object."
"Yeah?"
"Let's go get a beer."
"OK."
"But first, come here. You've got something on your face..."
And you lean in close and steal a kiss. Done. Winning.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:23 AM on March 6, 2011 [10 favorites]
Yes, kiss him! Try not to worry about being silly and idiotic. Being silly and idiotic doesn't necessarily end with experience. And, you know what? Decent, worthwhile guys don't care about inexperience or awkwardness. Many find it cute.
posted by smorange at 10:26 AM on March 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by smorange at 10:26 AM on March 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Like the other folks said.
Plus, be honest about it with him. Right after that first kiss.
posted by dominik at 10:39 AM on March 6, 2011
Plus, be honest about it with him. Right after that first kiss.
posted by dominik at 10:39 AM on March 6, 2011
I would have been less silly if I had (to the greatest extent possible):
- assumed good faith and nervousness and feelings of "wooo, this is exciting and scary and fun!" on both sides,
- been honest about that, and
- tried harder to enjoy myself and less hard to impress.
posted by SMPA at 10:41 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
- assumed good faith and nervousness and feelings of "wooo, this is exciting and scary and fun!" on both sides,
- been honest about that, and
- tried harder to enjoy myself and less hard to impress.
posted by SMPA at 10:41 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
It is easy to recommend to make the first step, pick up that phone and call, lean in and steal a kiss. I second on all of the above. But I will also take into consideration the level on hesitation one may go through, especially with things that are unfamiliar (for now). My advice is go with the flow. Don't over-exhaust yourself with wandering what if he does this or that. Just take it one step at a time. With this one, flirt like there's no tomorrow, and if you feel like you can take the next step and ask him out, then go for it, but don't feel bad if you're not ready. If he takes the first step, just say yes, and let him take the lead for a little while, and see how you feel. There is no prescription on how you should behave. 20's is not too late to start exploring and moving at your own pace, while allowing yourself to enjoy new experiences in spite of hesitation, fear etc. Just remind yourself that everyone goes through that. Go out and have fun.
posted by mooselini at 10:50 AM on March 6, 2011
posted by mooselini at 10:50 AM on March 6, 2011
> "How do I not be silly and idiotic?"
Well.. a certain part of attraction/love IS "silly and idiotic" (that's what makes it so "crazygood").
My advice on the lack of experience,etc.. is to just be upfront and honest. Don't just say "OMG I've never done this before"... but be more balanced by saying something like: "Hey, I really like you.. and I want to explore this potential, but due to a variety of random factors, I'm fairly inexperienced. So, crush-boy, keep that in mind, but lets proceed."
> "what the hell do I do if it actually progresses further?"
Newsflash:... everyone (even the relationship-experienced people) have this same worry. Why?.. because every relationship is as unique as the 2 people in it. You'll want to keep the basic things in mind (treat people with respect, be a good/clear communicator, etc).... but don't worry to much about the mechanics of things like "OMG, what do I do if X/Y/Z event happens?" .... Prepare as best you can, and make wise choices when things arise.
Relax..and have fun. I remember a previous girlfriend leaned in to kiss me.. and our glasses *bonked* awkwardly. She made a funny face.. we both laughed,.. took our glasses off.. and went back in for the kiss. I remember moments like that precisely BECAUSE it was cute and awkward. Don't be afraid of those types of moments (good, bad, difficult, easy,etc).. they are all important, and all contribute to the "substance" of life. Embrace them.
posted by jmnugent at 10:55 AM on March 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Well.. a certain part of attraction/love IS "silly and idiotic" (that's what makes it so "crazygood").
My advice on the lack of experience,etc.. is to just be upfront and honest. Don't just say "OMG I've never done this before"... but be more balanced by saying something like: "Hey, I really like you.. and I want to explore this potential, but due to a variety of random factors, I'm fairly inexperienced. So, crush-boy, keep that in mind, but lets proceed."
> "what the hell do I do if it actually progresses further?"
Newsflash:... everyone (even the relationship-experienced people) have this same worry. Why?.. because every relationship is as unique as the 2 people in it. You'll want to keep the basic things in mind (treat people with respect, be a good/clear communicator, etc).... but don't worry to much about the mechanics of things like "OMG, what do I do if X/Y/Z event happens?" .... Prepare as best you can, and make wise choices when things arise.
Relax..and have fun. I remember a previous girlfriend leaned in to kiss me.. and our glasses *bonked* awkwardly. She made a funny face.. we both laughed,.. took our glasses off.. and went back in for the kiss. I remember moments like that precisely BECAUSE it was cute and awkward. Don't be afraid of those types of moments (good, bad, difficult, easy,etc).. they are all important, and all contribute to the "substance" of life. Embrace them.
posted by jmnugent at 10:55 AM on March 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Seconding what everyone else on here is saying. I'd also like to add - and please, please don't take this as patronizing - that if you've grown up with a very strict religious upbringing, please be sure that you take the time to learn about safe sex if you haven't already, whether or not you plan to become sexually active anytime soon. I read this book in college before I started dating and learned a lot, which reduced my own anxiety about being a late bloomer. It's incredible the kind of misconceptions that are widely (widely!) accepted, and at the very least you can become a source of information for friends - time spent educating yourself is never wasted :)
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:14 AM on March 6, 2011
posted by you're a kitty! at 11:14 AM on March 6, 2011
What have you learned from your earlier relationships that benefited your later relationships?
1. Be honest about your experience (or lack of); and your preferences, hopes and feelings. And try to be light-hearted and humorous about them.
2. When it comes to sex, try to let yourself go and be uninhibited. This gets easier as you get older but it's definitely the thing to aim for no matter what age you are.
3. Understand that the extent of your feelings for the other does not necessarily synch with the extent of theirs for you. Sometimes we're crazy with love/lust for the object of our desire when they just want to read a book and go to bed. And vice versa. And this is okay. The thing is to pay attention to the other more than to ourselves. Not always easy, but always worth going for.
4. You have to be able to relax and be open with your partner, and they with you. If you can't do that, trouble lies ahead.
5. Say nice things to your partner as and when you feel them. Don't do it like a duty. But when you feel it, do it. And never do it expecting reciprocation. They may not be feeling it right then. See point three.
posted by Decani at 11:27 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Be honest about your experience (or lack of); and your preferences, hopes and feelings. And try to be light-hearted and humorous about them.
2. When it comes to sex, try to let yourself go and be uninhibited. This gets easier as you get older but it's definitely the thing to aim for no matter what age you are.
3. Understand that the extent of your feelings for the other does not necessarily synch with the extent of theirs for you. Sometimes we're crazy with love/lust for the object of our desire when they just want to read a book and go to bed. And vice versa. And this is okay. The thing is to pay attention to the other more than to ourselves. Not always easy, but always worth going for.
4. You have to be able to relax and be open with your partner, and they with you. If you can't do that, trouble lies ahead.
5. Say nice things to your partner as and when you feel them. Don't do it like a duty. But when you feel it, do it. And never do it expecting reciprocation. They may not be feeling it right then. See point three.
posted by Decani at 11:27 AM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't agree that you should "just kiss him" unless that's what you feel (trust your arousal signs) like doing, and it's hard to feel these things when we're scared and nervous. A lack of forwardness won't lose him, or if it did he wouldn't be worth having. As women, we're too often rushed into physical behavior that only simulates true responsiveness, "putting out" rather than feeling in. You have only one chance to feel your way into things with this guy. There's something very exciting about this stage, a chance to experience how innocence and experience can dance together. It's scary to not have a plan, to commit to letting yourself tune-in to your heart, mind, and especially body in-the-moment. There's nothing more gratifying, though, in any realm of life but perhaps most especially in coming together.
posted by Mertonian at 12:17 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Mertonian at 12:17 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Early 20s is NOT late-blooming! This question must come up three times a month on metafilter!
I know plenty -- PLENTY -- of people who had the first serious relationship in their 20s, and I know a number of people who had their first relationship at ALL in their 20s. It's truly and honestly not that big a deal.
I, personally, had my first serious relationship in my early 20s. (Dated casually in high school and college but nothing beyond six weeks and no serious physical involvement.) It all went swimmingly enough that we ended up married, 8 years and counting. There were awkward moments, but it was fine. Be honest and upfront about your lack of dating experience. Not, like, "I SHOULD WARN YOU, I HAVE NOT DATED BEFORE" but when chatting at dinner about past S.O.s, just say, "Well, my parents were pretty strict about boys, and then later I either didn't like the ones who liked me, or vice versa, so I have a pretty boring romantic past! The good news is, no creepy exes stalk me!" or something like that. I see nothing remotely odd about it.
I mean, really, relax, let things unfold in their own time, be open and honest, and it will really be fine. It might not work out, but it will be fine. I think 99% of the relationship errors I make or watch others make come from either being way too wound up/anxious/pushy and unable to let things happen and relax, or from failing to be honest with oneself or one's partner, or unable to be open to them. So do those things. And don't think of yourself as a late bloomer. Really, real life is not like teen drama on TV. Not everyone is falling in super-love at 16. Some people do. Some people don't. There's a whole range of normal, and TV only shows you the tiniest piece of it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:40 PM on March 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
I know plenty -- PLENTY -- of people who had the first serious relationship in their 20s, and I know a number of people who had their first relationship at ALL in their 20s. It's truly and honestly not that big a deal.
I, personally, had my first serious relationship in my early 20s. (Dated casually in high school and college but nothing beyond six weeks and no serious physical involvement.) It all went swimmingly enough that we ended up married, 8 years and counting. There were awkward moments, but it was fine. Be honest and upfront about your lack of dating experience. Not, like, "I SHOULD WARN YOU, I HAVE NOT DATED BEFORE" but when chatting at dinner about past S.O.s, just say, "Well, my parents were pretty strict about boys, and then later I either didn't like the ones who liked me, or vice versa, so I have a pretty boring romantic past! The good news is, no creepy exes stalk me!" or something like that. I see nothing remotely odd about it.
I mean, really, relax, let things unfold in their own time, be open and honest, and it will really be fine. It might not work out, but it will be fine. I think 99% of the relationship errors I make or watch others make come from either being way too wound up/anxious/pushy and unable to let things happen and relax, or from failing to be honest with oneself or one's partner, or unable to be open to them. So do those things. And don't think of yourself as a late bloomer. Really, real life is not like teen drama on TV. Not everyone is falling in super-love at 16. Some people do. Some people don't. There's a whole range of normal, and TV only shows you the tiniest piece of it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:40 PM on March 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
what the hell do I do if it actually progresses further?
Just... Go with it. There's no final exam. Be honest and try to hold your own. Admit when you don't have the experience/knowledge to handle some new situation.
Which seems totally inappropriate when I’m in my 20’s, and likely to scare guys off.
Someone who truly cares for you will not be "scared off" because you're in your twenties and don't have a whole lot of relationship experience. If you mean sexually, the same is basically true - any guy who makes you feel like crap because you don't have a lot of experience is a jerk.
How do I not be silly and idiotic?
I've been around the block, myself, but honestly I still feel thirteen years old every time I meet someone I like and put two and two together that they like me back. It never gets old. I'm inclined to believe that everyone is idiotic in the face of this.
What have you learned from your earlier relationships that benefited your later relationships?
Stand up for yourself. Being generous is good, but remember that a relationship is a two way street. Also, don't be afraid to be vulnerable.
posted by Sara C. at 7:10 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just... Go with it. There's no final exam. Be honest and try to hold your own. Admit when you don't have the experience/knowledge to handle some new situation.
Which seems totally inappropriate when I’m in my 20’s, and likely to scare guys off.
Someone who truly cares for you will not be "scared off" because you're in your twenties and don't have a whole lot of relationship experience. If you mean sexually, the same is basically true - any guy who makes you feel like crap because you don't have a lot of experience is a jerk.
How do I not be silly and idiotic?
I've been around the block, myself, but honestly I still feel thirteen years old every time I meet someone I like and put two and two together that they like me back. It never gets old. I'm inclined to believe that everyone is idiotic in the face of this.
What have you learned from your earlier relationships that benefited your later relationships?
Stand up for yourself. Being generous is good, but remember that a relationship is a two way street. Also, don't be afraid to be vulnerable.
posted by Sara C. at 7:10 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Dude, a lot of people get silly. Even people with lots of experience and who are old enough to know better. You get giddy. You do and say things you wouldn't ordinarily do in a normal situation. You think back and go OMG, I am an idiot. But in that moment, you cannot stop yourself. You're going to be silly.
It's all about having your silliness and their silliness sync up.
Plus a whole lot of other things. But, don't feel bad about being silly!
posted by mleigh at 8:37 PM on March 6, 2011
It's all about having your silliness and their silliness sync up.
Plus a whole lot of other things. But, don't feel bad about being silly!
posted by mleigh at 8:37 PM on March 6, 2011
Everything seems way too serious before you try it out for the first time. Remember the first time you went drinking and the paradigm of 'oh no what if I become a typical college student alcoholic' was shattered and you went and just had a great and personally meaningful time?
Remember when you first started learning how to ride a bike, how huge the gulf seemed between you and the person teaching you, who was riding so gracefully when you couldn't even ride in a straight line much less down that hill and around the corner?
Relationships are something like that. You make a huge deal out of every little thing before you get into one because, really, it's hard to know what it's like before you actually get into the thick of it.
Everything distilled in popular media and culture blow the reality way out of proportion. After all, the goal is to make all the little, natural things much more special than they really are. The profit comes not from the everyday ordinary but rather from the romanticized and everything tiniest thing, that we could only really appreciate for its full value in retrospect, is giving buckets and buckets of meaning right off the bat.
That, fortunately enough, isn't what the reality is like. The reality, like most things not James Bond or Clementine Kruczynski, is a bit more mundane and a heck of a lot easier too.
posted by dubusadus at 5:18 AM on March 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Remember when you first started learning how to ride a bike, how huge the gulf seemed between you and the person teaching you, who was riding so gracefully when you couldn't even ride in a straight line much less down that hill and around the corner?
Relationships are something like that. You make a huge deal out of every little thing before you get into one because, really, it's hard to know what it's like before you actually get into the thick of it.
Everything distilled in popular media and culture blow the reality way out of proportion. After all, the goal is to make all the little, natural things much more special than they really are. The profit comes not from the everyday ordinary but rather from the romanticized and everything tiniest thing, that we could only really appreciate for its full value in retrospect, is giving buckets and buckets of meaning right off the bat.
That, fortunately enough, isn't what the reality is like. The reality, like most things not James Bond or Clementine Kruczynski, is a bit more mundane and a heck of a lot easier too.
posted by dubusadus at 5:18 AM on March 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by DeltaForce at 10:19 AM on March 6, 2011 [3 favorites]