How to deal with a jerk when you live with him?
February 9, 2011 11:42 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with my inconsiderate roommate when ignoring isn't an option? (kinda long)
I've lived with jerky people before, I've always been able to ignore/avoid them, or in the instance of housework confront them somewhat reasonably. I'm living with my sister and her boyfriend who has been rude to me from the start. I don't think this stems from meanness, he's clearly good to her, but he has fewer social niceties than a teaspoon.
From the very beginning he's ignored me; I tried being friendly, saying hello/good morning etc in passing and also asking him about work or his day when he came home. Invariably his response is monosyllabic with zero reciprocation. He has never spoken to me unless I instigate and he has never asked me a question in return. He won't even make eye contact.
A few instances have arisen where he's needed my help. He uses my sister as a mediator to ask the simplest things and when I am engaged in the conversation he continues to talk to HER even though I am right there and answering him.
He has never done housework. I'm sorry, once. Once I caught him vacuuming. We have a walkway to the driveway where his car is parked. He will carry the snow shovel through the 5" of snow, carve out a very obnoxious little frame around his car (which only he uses) and haul the damn thing back without bothering to clear the walk or the stairs which have on several occasions become treacherous.
He leaves garbage, dirty dishes and empty beer bottles around the living room and I don't think he knows we have/how to use the dishwasher.
I love my sister and want to spend time with her, I can't do that without him there. We watch tv together and he will turn his back to me to remark on the show to her. Even for something completely minor! This has been going on for 7 months.
I think she knows there's a problem because she never brings him up in conversation to me, but I can't bring myself to say "Hey, your boyfriend's an asshole", it'll break her heart. It's gotten this bad because I didn't want to rock the boat, especially since her feelings are at stake and I thought maybe he'd get used to me and it'd stop. It's getting to a point where I can't stand to be in the room with him. She wants to get married. If she marries this guy there's no way our family will welcome him as things are. But I have to say again, I don't think this is active hostility, we have on occasion had reasonable conversations (that I started) and aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).
I know I have to confront him. How do I do it without losing my nerve or looking like I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill (which I think would happen if I focus on stuff like the walkway and ignoring me, even though those are the things that piss me off the most) Or, maybe I don't have to (which would rock) and you have a super awesome solution! (like where to hide a body)
Please help!
I've lived with jerky people before, I've always been able to ignore/avoid them, or in the instance of housework confront them somewhat reasonably. I'm living with my sister and her boyfriend who has been rude to me from the start. I don't think this stems from meanness, he's clearly good to her, but he has fewer social niceties than a teaspoon.
From the very beginning he's ignored me; I tried being friendly, saying hello/good morning etc in passing and also asking him about work or his day when he came home. Invariably his response is monosyllabic with zero reciprocation. He has never spoken to me unless I instigate and he has never asked me a question in return. He won't even make eye contact.
A few instances have arisen where he's needed my help. He uses my sister as a mediator to ask the simplest things and when I am engaged in the conversation he continues to talk to HER even though I am right there and answering him.
He has never done housework. I'm sorry, once. Once I caught him vacuuming. We have a walkway to the driveway where his car is parked. He will carry the snow shovel through the 5" of snow, carve out a very obnoxious little frame around his car (which only he uses) and haul the damn thing back without bothering to clear the walk or the stairs which have on several occasions become treacherous.
He leaves garbage, dirty dishes and empty beer bottles around the living room and I don't think he knows we have/how to use the dishwasher.
I love my sister and want to spend time with her, I can't do that without him there. We watch tv together and he will turn his back to me to remark on the show to her. Even for something completely minor! This has been going on for 7 months.
I think she knows there's a problem because she never brings him up in conversation to me, but I can't bring myself to say "Hey, your boyfriend's an asshole", it'll break her heart. It's gotten this bad because I didn't want to rock the boat, especially since her feelings are at stake and I thought maybe he'd get used to me and it'd stop. It's getting to a point where I can't stand to be in the room with him. She wants to get married. If she marries this guy there's no way our family will welcome him as things are. But I have to say again, I don't think this is active hostility, we have on occasion had reasonable conversations (that I started) and aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).
I know I have to confront him. How do I do it without losing my nerve or looking like I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill (which I think would happen if I focus on stuff like the walkway and ignoring me, even though those are the things that piss me off the most) Or, maybe I don't have to (which would rock) and you have a super awesome solution! (like where to hide a body)
Please help!
Forget confrontation: I think it's time for you to move out. He probably likes living with you about as much as you like living with him. Sounds like a disaster house. If your sister seems unhappy with him, you should say. If she's happy, well.... probably not much you can do. Thank the stars you don't have to be married to him, I guess.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:49 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:49 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
This has been going on for seven months? You can confront him but it sounds like he's socially retarded and doesn't know how to act like a normal person. Or even worse, that is normal for him.
You could perhaps talk to your sister about this and see what she suggests. Frame it in a way that doesn't attack him but is about improving your relationship with him. She knows him better and might be able to give you a better idea of what is going on in "his" head. For all you know, things are perfectly fine in his mind.
Be prepared to have to accept that your possible future brother-in-law isn't going to display the fantastic skills of Prince Charming and start working on how to reconcile yourself to the reality of his awkwardness. Usually when I find someone's behavior objectionable, rather than try to change that person I work on adjusting my expectations and reactions to the individual.
posted by loquat at 11:52 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
You could perhaps talk to your sister about this and see what she suggests. Frame it in a way that doesn't attack him but is about improving your relationship with him. She knows him better and might be able to give you a better idea of what is going on in "his" head. For all you know, things are perfectly fine in his mind.
Be prepared to have to accept that your possible future brother-in-law isn't going to display the fantastic skills of Prince Charming and start working on how to reconcile yourself to the reality of his awkwardness. Usually when I find someone's behavior objectionable, rather than try to change that person I work on adjusting my expectations and reactions to the individual.
posted by loquat at 11:52 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sounds like the heart of the matter is that he wants to be living with his girlfriend, not his girlfriend and her sister.
He probably has no real beef with you, it's just 'two's company, three's a crowd.'
posted by fixedgear at 11:52 AM on February 9, 2011
He probably has no real beef with you, it's just 'two's company, three's a crowd.'
posted by fixedgear at 11:52 AM on February 9, 2011
The fact that your sister never brings him up in conversation tells me he has complained about you to her and she is aware of his dislike for you. Your sister is defacto allowing him to be mean to you by pretending he isn't when she is clearly witnessing it!
Also, your sister allows her BF to treat you both like shit if he is allowed to blow off household chores and the like with no mention of the behavior or consequence to him.
Talk to your sister.
PS - what makes you think your family will reject this guy if he proposes? just curious.
posted by jbenben at 11:52 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, your sister allows her BF to treat you both like shit if he is allowed to blow off household chores and the like with no mention of the behavior or consequence to him.
Talk to your sister.
PS - what makes you think your family will reject this guy if he proposes? just curious.
posted by jbenben at 11:52 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Upon preview, I agree this is not personal and all about "three's a crowd," but I still think it is uncool your sister has silently gone along with his choices regarding you for seven whole months... Yuck.
posted by jbenben at 11:55 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by jbenben at 11:55 AM on February 9, 2011
Under what circumstances did you three wind up living together? Regardless, it's not excusable, but if you moved in with him and your sister, the dynamic might be different than if he moved in with you two, or if all three of you moved into the same space at the same time.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:59 AM on February 9, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:59 AM on February 9, 2011 [6 favorites]
I'd say the best approach would be to speak to your sister about it and let her deal with him.
If you do that and the situation doesn't improve, you need to move out.
posted by orange swan at 12:04 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you do that and the situation doesn't improve, you need to move out.
posted by orange swan at 12:04 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
He forces you and your sister to pick up his garbage, take care of his house and do his chores. He refuses to acknowledge your presence and he tries to sow discord between the two of you because he knows his behavior towards you is unjustifiable. Your sister's boyfriend is not "good to her," he's a worthless asshole. Move out, and tell her exactly why. If her heart is broken by this news, tough. The asshole did this, not you.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:08 PM on February 9, 2011 [25 favorites]
posted by milk white peacock at 12:08 PM on February 9, 2011 [25 favorites]
How do you deal with him? You don't. You're stuck with him until you move out, or they move out, but you cannot force him to interact with you in any way shape or form, so get that out of your head.
You *do* have the right to ask him to clean up after himself tho. You may not want to deal directly with him, so talk to your sister about it. Ask that she clean up his mess if he will not.
posted by Sufi at 12:13 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
You *do* have the right to ask him to clean up after himself tho. You may not want to deal directly with him, so talk to your sister about it. Ask that she clean up his mess if he will not.
posted by Sufi at 12:13 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
The issue is not that you and sis' BF don't get along. The issue is your sister lives with your boyfriend, and for some unknown reason you're living with them too. The best option is to move out, so do that if it's possible and reasonable.
Honestly, if you've had a few pleasant conversations and no overt fights with the BF, then he's probably just tired of the overexposure. I enjoy 1-on-1 time much more than time with two other people; maybe he's the same. Maybe he doesn't have much to talk about with you, is bad at coming up with topics of conversation, and finds it draining to have an extra person around to chat with.
If you can't move out, then you three are going to need an arrangement to live together as roommates, not as siblings +1. So think of how you would act if you lived with a friend and her boyfriend. You three would compromise about splitting chores, you would expect them to spend much, much more time together than with you, and they would get to spend some alone time. His behavior during TV watching makes me wonder if he wants some time to just chat with his girlfriend. If I were living with my girlfriend and her sister, or even with my GF and her best friend, I would expect to spend at least 3 times as much time alone with my GF than I spend hanging out as a trio.
Not to pile all the blame on you. It sounds like he and your sister could both handle this more gracefully. But you asked how YOU could deal with this.
If your sister is unhappy with him and the relationship is likely to go away, then that changes things. Maybe you can just stick it out and watch it fall apart. But if she's happy, then you're butting in, not him.
posted by Tehhund at 12:14 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Honestly, if you've had a few pleasant conversations and no overt fights with the BF, then he's probably just tired of the overexposure. I enjoy 1-on-1 time much more than time with two other people; maybe he's the same. Maybe he doesn't have much to talk about with you, is bad at coming up with topics of conversation, and finds it draining to have an extra person around to chat with.
If you can't move out, then you three are going to need an arrangement to live together as roommates, not as siblings +1. So think of how you would act if you lived with a friend and her boyfriend. You three would compromise about splitting chores, you would expect them to spend much, much more time together than with you, and they would get to spend some alone time. His behavior during TV watching makes me wonder if he wants some time to just chat with his girlfriend. If I were living with my girlfriend and her sister, or even with my GF and her best friend, I would expect to spend at least 3 times as much time alone with my GF than I spend hanging out as a trio.
Not to pile all the blame on you. It sounds like he and your sister could both handle this more gracefully. But you asked how YOU could deal with this.
If your sister is unhappy with him and the relationship is likely to go away, then that changes things. Maybe you can just stick it out and watch it fall apart. But if she's happy, then you're butting in, not him.
posted by Tehhund at 12:14 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with chesty_a_arthur that how the three of you came to be living together really affects any advice I might have on how to deal with it.
If you moved in with the two of them: Yes, he's probably annoyed about a third party busting up the cohabitation. I'd move out.
If he moved in with the two of you: Depends on why he moved in (was he having financial issues? Was it the next step in his relationship with your sister?), but I'd talk to him and have a variant of the roommate convo below, only stressing that he moved in on a space you and your sis were sharing, and he needs to hold up his end (delivered as calm, reasonably, and non-accusatory as possible, of course).
If you all three moved in together: I'd have a sit-down with him like any other roommate, calm and non-accusatory and work out a housework schedule for all three of you. As for his ignoring you, ignore him right back. Who wants to waste time & energy on a jerk?
As for sisters dating jerks, ugh, I know how this story goes: my own sister has a penchant for dating leechy a-holes and my family and I have learned that there is not a goddamned thing we can say to her other than we love you and are here when you need us. Nothing y'all can say will convince her to ditch him before she's ready to do so herself.
posted by smirkette at 12:23 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you moved in with the two of them: Yes, he's probably annoyed about a third party busting up the cohabitation. I'd move out.
If he moved in with the two of you: Depends on why he moved in (was he having financial issues? Was it the next step in his relationship with your sister?), but I'd talk to him and have a variant of the roommate convo below, only stressing that he moved in on a space you and your sis were sharing, and he needs to hold up his end (delivered as calm, reasonably, and non-accusatory as possible, of course).
If you all three moved in together: I'd have a sit-down with him like any other roommate, calm and non-accusatory and work out a housework schedule for all three of you. As for his ignoring you, ignore him right back. Who wants to waste time & energy on a jerk?
As for sisters dating jerks, ugh, I know how this story goes: my own sister has a penchant for dating leechy a-holes and my family and I have learned that there is not a goddamned thing we can say to her other than we love you and are here when you need us. Nothing y'all can say will convince her to ditch him before she's ready to do so herself.
posted by smirkette at 12:23 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Are you the older sister? He might see you as an authority figure and thus not be really hip to mingling like buds with you. However, if he does see you this way, explainign to him and your sister at the same time what the household responsibilities are would probably help to get things done a little. He may just be used to his authority figures (i.e. parents) doing everything for him.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:34 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by WeekendJen at 12:34 PM on February 9, 2011
I'm surprised at all the answers like "it's just because he wants to live with your sister, not with your sister and you". The OP said this:
posted by Flunkie at 12:41 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).Presumably the parents don't also live with them, and "everyone" definitely doesn't.
posted by Flunkie at 12:41 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sounds like he wants you out. Oblige him.
posted by Sternmeyer at 12:45 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by Sternmeyer at 12:45 PM on February 9, 2011
I'm surprised at all the answers like "it's just because he wants to live with your sister, not with your sister and you". The OP said this:
aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).
Presumably the parents don't also live with them, and "everyone" definitely doesn't.
This still reads as his fairly infantile way of dealing with people he doesn't want in his space, e.g. people who aren't his girlfriend. All the more reason to recommend moving out imo.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 12:51 PM on February 9, 2011
aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).
Presumably the parents don't also live with them, and "everyone" definitely doesn't.
This still reads as his fairly infantile way of dealing with people he doesn't want in his space, e.g. people who aren't his girlfriend. All the more reason to recommend moving out imo.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 12:51 PM on February 9, 2011
I know it's easy to read this as hostile jerk behavior, but maybe the guy is just really socially awkward until he feels comfortable with someone? Granted, after 7 months the average person should feel comfortable with you, but he's atypical. You said he acted the same way with your parents (people I'm sure he would like to get along with, for the sake of his relationship with your sister). When he speaks to you through his girlfriend, he's going through a channel that gives him a comfort level. No eye contact? That's not hostility, that's shyness, maybe even aspie behavior.
I'm not saying you have to put up with it forever, and you've already made a solid effort to meet the guy halfway. Confronting him directly won't help, though. Your sister is surely aware of the problem, but you haven't discussed it with her; maybe you should start there. Ask if she sees the same issues, ask if there is anything else you can do to make things easier, and ask if she thinks there is a way to help him modify his behavior. Last resort, you can always move out; don't make your sister choose you over him.
posted by Chris4d at 12:52 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm not saying you have to put up with it forever, and you've already made a solid effort to meet the guy halfway. Confronting him directly won't help, though. Your sister is surely aware of the problem, but you haven't discussed it with her; maybe you should start there. Ask if she sees the same issues, ask if there is anything else you can do to make things easier, and ask if she thinks there is a way to help him modify his behavior. Last resort, you can always move out; don't make your sister choose you over him.
posted by Chris4d at 12:52 PM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yeah, Flunkie is right. You could have been describing my brother-in-law. We never lived together, but when they lived near me he made absolutely no effort to even make eye contact with me and my family, never mind initiate a conversation. We later traveled 3,000 miles to visit them, and stayed for 4 days (over Thanksgiving). Of those 4 days, we saw him maybe for two hours, during the holiday meal where he looked like he was in excruciating pain the whole time. Before they got married, I quietly told my sister that I didn't like him all that much. When they split up seven years later, I said nothing.
For your guy, yeah, his personality is not going to change, so you don't have to like him. You could patiently tell him that he needs to do his share, and if he doesn't follow through keep on him about it. (Or, keep on him about it through her.) There's a chance things won't change until you move out. Good luck.
posted by Melismata at 12:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
For your guy, yeah, his personality is not going to change, so you don't have to like him. You could patiently tell him that he needs to do his share, and if he doesn't follow through keep on him about it. (Or, keep on him about it through her.) There's a chance things won't change until you move out. Good luck.
posted by Melismata at 12:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Sorry, that caps lock stuff was rude. I truly apologize.
However, the biggest red warning light that I can see here is that you're all doing an awful lot of mindreading and guessing and assuming. I mean sure, the best idea may be to move out, but by all means start talking about things.
posted by krilli at 12:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
However, the biggest red warning light that I can see here is that you're all doing an awful lot of mindreading and guessing and assuming. I mean sure, the best idea may be to move out, but by all means start talking about things.
posted by krilli at 12:54 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).
I agree that three's a crowd but if he's like this with everyone, maybe he's just really shy. (and also lazy, obviously).
The "super awesome" solution is to move out and stop being a 3rd wheel in their relationship. Living with a couple is always awkward regardless of whether you're related to one of them.
posted by missmagenta at 12:55 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree that three's a crowd but if he's like this with everyone, maybe he's just really shy. (and also lazy, obviously).
The "super awesome" solution is to move out and stop being a 3rd wheel in their relationship. Living with a couple is always awkward regardless of whether you're related to one of them.
posted by missmagenta at 12:55 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Next movie you all three should watch together is "A Streetcare Named Desire."
JUST KIDDING / DONT DO IT
But I do think it sounds like he resents your being there, and your sister's unwillingness to talk about it probably means she is shielding you from all that as best she can. But you're still miserable, and you are not going to win him over, and he is (probably) not going to go away, and so you should be the gracious one and move out.
posted by hermitosis at 1:07 PM on February 9, 2011
JUST KIDDING / DONT DO IT
But I do think it sounds like he resents your being there, and your sister's unwillingness to talk about it probably means she is shielding you from all that as best she can. But you're still miserable, and you are not going to win him over, and he is (probably) not going to go away, and so you should be the gracious one and move out.
posted by hermitosis at 1:07 PM on February 9, 2011
There are two issues here: 1. the guy doesn't like you; 2. the guy doesn't pull his weight in the household. The two should be dealt with separately.
If the guy started pulling his weight but remained anti-social, would you find living with him acceptable? Rooming can be a business arrangement—you don't need to be friends with your roommates. There have been a lot of threads on AskMe about dealing with slovenly roommates, and a lot of suggestions. You could demand he start cleaning up or that he pay for a cleaning service, as one example. I'd discuss this with the sister first.
Getting the guy to warm up is a taller order. You can't make someone like you, and it seems clear that he dislikes everyone he does not like. His behavior goes beyond social awkwardness. If this is a make-or-break, prepare to move out. Or find a way to make him want to move out.
posted by adamrice at 1:14 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the guy started pulling his weight but remained anti-social, would you find living with him acceptable? Rooming can be a business arrangement—you don't need to be friends with your roommates. There have been a lot of threads on AskMe about dealing with slovenly roommates, and a lot of suggestions. You could demand he start cleaning up or that he pay for a cleaning service, as one example. I'd discuss this with the sister first.
Getting the guy to warm up is a taller order. You can't make someone like you, and it seems clear that he dislikes everyone he does not like. His behavior goes beyond social awkwardness. If this is a make-or-break, prepare to move out. Or find a way to make him want to move out.
posted by adamrice at 1:14 PM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Frankly, when reading this, I think this might be to some degree how my extremely busy, introverted partner would behave if I moved my extroverted sister into our small place. I'd hope she would be treated with a little more grace, but this is often how introverts come off to extroverts, particularly extroverts who are repeatedly intruding on introverts' personal space.
I interpret your sister not talking about her boyfriend's behavior this way: it is entirely apparent how you feel about her boyfriend, she feels defensive but doesn't want to start a fight with you, so to preserve harmony she is ignoring the issue.
This has been going on for 7 months.
Why are you still there? Move out, posthaste.
We can't really guess what is going on unless we know more about the situation. If the situation, was, say: BF owns the house, Sister lives with him, you need a place to stay and she talked him into letting you stay, my reaction would be significantly different then if you told us that the three of you went apartment-hunting together and collectively signed a lease on a house/apartment.
But, no matter what the circumstances, you don't deserve to be treated poorly, and you need your home to be a place where you are happy and content.
Step 1: Move out.
Step 2: Wait a month.
Step 3: Invite your sister and her boyfriend to dinner, see if the way he treats you is any different, and draw your conclusions based on that. Your sister will always be your sister, the boyfriend may or may not be permanent, but the damage to your relationship may be if you hassle her about her boyfriend.
posted by arnicae at 1:19 PM on February 9, 2011
I interpret your sister not talking about her boyfriend's behavior this way: it is entirely apparent how you feel about her boyfriend, she feels defensive but doesn't want to start a fight with you, so to preserve harmony she is ignoring the issue.
This has been going on for 7 months.
Why are you still there? Move out, posthaste.
We can't really guess what is going on unless we know more about the situation. If the situation, was, say: BF owns the house, Sister lives with him, you need a place to stay and she talked him into letting you stay, my reaction would be significantly different then if you told us that the three of you went apartment-hunting together and collectively signed a lease on a house/apartment.
But, no matter what the circumstances, you don't deserve to be treated poorly, and you need your home to be a place where you are happy and content.
Step 1: Move out.
Step 2: Wait a month.
Step 3: Invite your sister and her boyfriend to dinner, see if the way he treats you is any different, and draw your conclusions based on that. Your sister will always be your sister, the boyfriend may or may not be permanent, but the damage to your relationship may be if you hassle her about her boyfriend.
posted by arnicae at 1:19 PM on February 9, 2011
Is he on the lease? Were you living with your sister and she moved him in? or Did the 3 of you get the place together? or Did you move in with them? These questions matter because you may want to ask your sister and her guy to move out. You can't change him. He cares so little for you that confrontation is not going to affect his behavior. I would not continue to live with this person, and I can't think why your sister does.
posted by theora55 at 1:24 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by theora55 at 1:24 PM on February 9, 2011
Why are you so worried about your sister's feelings? She isn't worried about yours.
posted by iconomy at 1:30 PM on February 9, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by iconomy at 1:30 PM on February 9, 2011 [9 favorites]
but I can't bring myself to say "Hey, your boyfriend's an asshole", it'll break her heart.
Here's a story.
My SO's sister met a guy in college. He was an asshole. He mooched off of her, he was a jerk to people, no one liked him. But no one wanted to break Sister's heart, so no one said anything to her. Sister and Guy scheduled to get married. Everyone in the family acted happy, but secretly sighed, and thought about what an asshole this guy was. The two got married. They went on a honeymoon on the other side of the country. During that honeymoon, when Sister had an extreme medical emergency, the guy abandoned her. They were in the middle of nowhere, she had no money, no vehicle, they were newly married, she was going through an emergency that drastically limited her rational capacities, and he just left her there. Needles to say, the marriage ended.
Every once in a while, when my SO starts to think about this, you can almost literally feel the wheels of regret turning in his brain. He says, "why didn't we say anything!?" He says, "Maybe, if we talked to her, she would've been able to avoid that..." But no one did. No one wanted to have that painful conversation.
It's a tricky conversation to have, telling someone their boyfriend is an asshole. And, if you push the point too much, you may do serious and irreparable damage to your relationship with your sister. Again, it's tricky.... But, my SO would tell you just how much he would give to go back and time and warn his sister. Sometimes, heartbreak isn't really the worst option.
Whether you leave or stay, I think it may be worth it for you to have a frank conversation with your sister. Do it without judging her, and do it without telling her her relationship sucks. But do it: let her know that you are uncomfortable with some of her boyfriend's behaviors and attitudes.
posted by meese at 1:33 PM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Here's a story.
My SO's sister met a guy in college. He was an asshole. He mooched off of her, he was a jerk to people, no one liked him. But no one wanted to break Sister's heart, so no one said anything to her. Sister and Guy scheduled to get married. Everyone in the family acted happy, but secretly sighed, and thought about what an asshole this guy was. The two got married. They went on a honeymoon on the other side of the country. During that honeymoon, when Sister had an extreme medical emergency, the guy abandoned her. They were in the middle of nowhere, she had no money, no vehicle, they were newly married, she was going through an emergency that drastically limited her rational capacities, and he just left her there. Needles to say, the marriage ended.
Every once in a while, when my SO starts to think about this, you can almost literally feel the wheels of regret turning in his brain. He says, "why didn't we say anything!?" He says, "Maybe, if we talked to her, she would've been able to avoid that..." But no one did. No one wanted to have that painful conversation.
It's a tricky conversation to have, telling someone their boyfriend is an asshole. And, if you push the point too much, you may do serious and irreparable damage to your relationship with your sister. Again, it's tricky.... But, my SO would tell you just how much he would give to go back and time and warn his sister. Sometimes, heartbreak isn't really the worst option.
Whether you leave or stay, I think it may be worth it for you to have a frank conversation with your sister. Do it without judging her, and do it without telling her her relationship sucks. But do it: let her know that you are uncomfortable with some of her boyfriend's behaviors and attitudes.
posted by meese at 1:33 PM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you are going to have a talk with your sister per meese's answer, do not do it until you are moved out. Otherwise you may suddenly find yourself living with two very hostile people if your sister doesn't like what you have to say, and you may suddenly be forced to leave.
Also, if you are planning on having this talk, you may want to get a feeling for whether other people agree with you assessment. Do your parents really dislike him, or do they just think he's shy? You say he's rude to your parents too, but don't assume too much about how other people feel.
posted by Tehhund at 1:42 PM on February 9, 2011
Also, if you are planning on having this talk, you may want to get a feeling for whether other people agree with you assessment. Do your parents really dislike him, or do they just think he's shy? You say he's rude to your parents too, but don't assume too much about how other people feel.
posted by Tehhund at 1:42 PM on February 9, 2011
* Don't put up with a living situation that's this bad. You should move out if financially feasible.
* If not, make your sis understand it's not your job to clean up after her b-friend. No need to mention your overall relationship when discussing chores.
* Re: the overall relationship, there's no point confronting him. He's rude to many people, that's his personality.
* Perhaps your sis doesn't mention him b/c she doesn't want to bring up topics that are unpleasant to you. There's no reason to think he's specifically bad-mouthed you.
* At some point you should tell your sister that her boyfriend is extremely rude to you/your family and that she should weigh that when getting married, that it's a significant long-term cost, but you will support her either way and work to maintain your relationship regardless.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 1:51 PM on February 9, 2011
* If not, make your sis understand it's not your job to clean up after her b-friend. No need to mention your overall relationship when discussing chores.
* Re: the overall relationship, there's no point confronting him. He's rude to many people, that's his personality.
* Perhaps your sis doesn't mention him b/c she doesn't want to bring up topics that are unpleasant to you. There's no reason to think he's specifically bad-mouthed you.
* At some point you should tell your sister that her boyfriend is extremely rude to you/your family and that she should weigh that when getting married, that it's a significant long-term cost, but you will support her either way and work to maintain your relationship regardless.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 1:51 PM on February 9, 2011
As someone who has had shitty housemates:
This is a battle you will never win. You need to move out. Everything will change once you are moved out.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:52 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is a battle you will never win. You need to move out. Everything will change once you are moved out.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:52 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
aside from her he behaves this way (to lesser degrees) to everyone (including our parents, bad move on his part).
I agree this is likely shyness; I can definitely see myself behaving this way, with zero malice and even with some respect.
One explanation: some people love family, it symbolizes acceptance, loyalty, and more family = good. For other people, family just means a minefield of potential misunderstanding, misery, and evil. Anyone associated with an SO, who is their family or my potential family, is someone to be treated with extreme-to-the-point-of-alienating caution. After all, a significant other chose you, but the whole family did not.
posted by amtho at 2:05 PM on February 9, 2011
I agree this is likely shyness; I can definitely see myself behaving this way, with zero malice and even with some respect.
One explanation: some people love family, it symbolizes acceptance, loyalty, and more family = good. For other people, family just means a minefield of potential misunderstanding, misery, and evil. Anyone associated with an SO, who is their family or my potential family, is someone to be treated with extreme-to-the-point-of-alienating caution. After all, a significant other chose you, but the whole family did not.
posted by amtho at 2:05 PM on February 9, 2011
He may warm up if you tell him you have begun looking for a new place.
posted by rhizome at 2:07 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by rhizome at 2:07 PM on February 9, 2011
I have a shy, introverted husband and there's no way he would act like this, even if my sibling lived with us. In fact, my shy, introverted husband is asking my sibling to come live with us to help the sibling out. From what you've said, this guy sounds like a jerk -- first move out, then when you're out, take the opportunity to tell your sister why you moved out. She already knows, but it would be good for her to put it in words.
posted by ukdanae at 2:29 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by ukdanae at 2:29 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Talk to your sister first, but don't go in with the "he's a total jerkface!" attitude. Play nice. Say things along the lines of "hey, so he's not much of a talker, is he? does he do this with his family too? how about his friends? gee, I wish he'd kind of open up and be friendlier, we all live here, it kind of makes me feel like an outcast in my own home. Is there any particular reason he does it?" etc. Because this does need to be brought up with her, she needs to know that other people see it as strange. If you just ignore it and say nothing, she gets used to thinking it's normal and not a problem. And well, if she says she can't do anything about it, that's just the way he is, well ask her to just talk to him about it and see what he says, say it's important to you to be on good terms with someone special in your sister's life. Make your sister see it's important to you, and that it should be important to her too. That's the leverage you will get the best results with. It has to matter to her to get him to change.
Then if she still sweeps the situation under the carpet, or he says no, feel free to confront jerkface directly, in a positive manner of course. And then, well, someone's going to have to move out.
posted by lizbunny at 2:35 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Then if she still sweeps the situation under the carpet, or he says no, feel free to confront jerkface directly, in a positive manner of course. And then, well, someone's going to have to move out.
posted by lizbunny at 2:35 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
This guy is just plain rude in my opinion. But assuming that there is some other reason, why can't you "give it right back" to him? If it is not rude for him, then it is not rude for you to ignore him, answer in monosyllabic grunts, not speak to him, not make eye contact with him and (if necessary) speak to him "through" your sister.
posted by murrey at 2:40 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by murrey at 2:40 PM on February 9, 2011
i disagree with those who are saying how you guys came to be living together requires a different answer. it doesn't matter because the bottom line is that this guy is being a jerk to you and disrespectful to both you and your sister—his girlfriend. if he has a problem with you living with them, then that's something he needs to discuss with your sister, his girlfriend rather than being a jerk towards you. you shouldn't have to be picking up after his shit and doing his share of the chores under any circumstances and he should be, at the very least, civil towards you, if for no other reason than because are his girlfriend's sister. he doesn't have to like you; that's his prerogative. but what he should have to be doing is being respectful of the fact that a) you are his girlfriend's family! and b) for the time being at least, you are all living together.
if i were in your position, i'd talk to my sister. something along the lines of, "not only does your boyfriend, as a roommate, not pull his weight with regard to the chores, the way he treats me (and our family) is rude and disrespectful which i think is also disrespectful towards you because he's not even considerate enough to make an effort to be civil towards your family, his girlfriend's family. if things don't improve in a month, i'm going to start looking for a new place to live because his behaviour is making me very uncomfortable."
posted by violetk at 2:53 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
if i were in your position, i'd talk to my sister. something along the lines of, "not only does your boyfriend, as a roommate, not pull his weight with regard to the chores, the way he treats me (and our family) is rude and disrespectful which i think is also disrespectful towards you because he's not even considerate enough to make an effort to be civil towards your family, his girlfriend's family. if things don't improve in a month, i'm going to start looking for a new place to live because his behaviour is making me very uncomfortable."
posted by violetk at 2:53 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
"As to how we ended up here in the first place: I was moving to a new town and asked Sister if she wanted to come with me. I knew she was seeing someone for a few months but assumed it wasn't serious since she never really talked about him. A few days later she informs me he's coming too. In principle this doesn't bother me, like I said I've lived with roommates before. I did the apartment hunting, we are all on the lease and there are 5 months to go. While the 'three's company' theory does make sense, we are all on different schedules and since I'm ignoring/avoiding him now I spend a lot of time in other parts of the house when he's home, so it shouldn't be an over-exposure issue. Again, I don't think it's personal (as in he secretly hates me) he definitely has problems socializing. As to the relationship between me and my sister, we are very close. We greet each other at the door after work. We've never fought, we don't even argue over little things. We thank each other for doing the chores and offer to help each other when doing them. The suggestions that she's somehow 'in' on his snubbery is not in character. That she's aware of it and trying to ignore it for the same reasons I am, is (we're just that damn similar). Because of work and school obligations moving out right now isn't an option. Thanks for the input so far!"posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:13 PM on February 9, 2011
+1 on the Asperger's suggestion. It might be that he just DOES NOT SEE the same signals as you do. This is then a different aspect from his lacking housekeeper's skills.
posted by krilli at 3:46 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by krilli at 3:46 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
"The suggestions that she's somehow 'in' on his snubbery is not in character. That she's aware of it and trying to ignore it for the same reasons I am, is (we're just that damn similar)."
No, no! Not that she's "in" on whatever the BF is doing, but she is actively condoning his (very) poor behavior towards both of you since she is remaining silent.
Put another way... She brought him into the house, she is his SO, she has more clout with him than you do -- therefore it is her responsibility to deal with this.
Especially under the circumstances you describe (you invited your sister, he's just a long for the ride) your sister owes it to you that the household is pleasant for you to inhabit. BF is creating a hostile living situation for you. I don't care what this guy's reason is, your sister should bloody well do her best to fix it, or at least acknowledge how shitty her BF is to live with and apologize to you.
Talk to your sister. This is totally on her shoulders.
posted by jbenben at 4:32 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
No, no! Not that she's "in" on whatever the BF is doing, but she is actively condoning his (very) poor behavior towards both of you since she is remaining silent.
Put another way... She brought him into the house, she is his SO, she has more clout with him than you do -- therefore it is her responsibility to deal with this.
Especially under the circumstances you describe (you invited your sister, he's just a long for the ride) your sister owes it to you that the household is pleasant for you to inhabit. BF is creating a hostile living situation for you. I don't care what this guy's reason is, your sister should bloody well do her best to fix it, or at least acknowledge how shitty her BF is to live with and apologize to you.
Talk to your sister. This is totally on her shoulders.
posted by jbenben at 4:32 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
I sound exactly like you sister's brother.
I don't consider myself an asshole.
I have really bad social anxiety.
When I lived with roommates, I never talked to them, I would leave notes instead of talk to them directly. Not because I am an asshole - but because I was 'afraid' of them. For no reason except of my own social issues.
I am female and my voice is always monotone and usually sarcastic.
I certainly didn't clear the sidewalks for everyone in the house (actually, since I've rented - that's always legally been the landlords responsibility.
Why isn't your sister cleaning up his trash/dishes? Maybe its hers too. Why not say say, "Hey sis, how about you guys clean up your garbage?" ???
I don't think he sounds like an asshole. he sounds like he has social issues along with being a typical guy who doesn't clean up.
If you're so close with your sister, I don't understand why you haven't brought up how you feel.
If you think either of you are going to be able to change his personality then you're crazy. You're going to have to learn how to deal with different types of people in your life. So here's a start.
posted by KogeLiz at 4:39 PM on February 9, 2011
I don't consider myself an asshole.
I have really bad social anxiety.
When I lived with roommates, I never talked to them, I would leave notes instead of talk to them directly. Not because I am an asshole - but because I was 'afraid' of them. For no reason except of my own social issues.
I am female and my voice is always monotone and usually sarcastic.
I certainly didn't clear the sidewalks for everyone in the house (actually, since I've rented - that's always legally been the landlords responsibility.
Why isn't your sister cleaning up his trash/dishes? Maybe its hers too. Why not say say, "Hey sis, how about you guys clean up your garbage?" ???
I don't think he sounds like an asshole. he sounds like he has social issues along with being a typical guy who doesn't clean up.
If you're so close with your sister, I don't understand why you haven't brought up how you feel.
If you think either of you are going to be able to change his personality then you're crazy. You're going to have to learn how to deal with different types of people in your life. So here's a start.
posted by KogeLiz at 4:39 PM on February 9, 2011
I don't know if there's anything you can do about his socialization issue, but if I were you, I'd immediately take steps to get him to do his share of the housework. Whether he's a jerk or just shy, he should at least be cleaning up after himself and doing a third of the chores. If you don't want to hurt your sister, you can raise it in an objective manner and not bring up his treatment of you.
posted by Mavri at 5:35 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Mavri at 5:35 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think she knows there's a problem because she never brings him up in conversation to me, but I can't bring myself to say "Hey, your boyfriend's an asshole", it'll break her heart.
It would break her heart for her boyfriend's rude behavior to be brought to her attention? Is it breaking her heart that her sister is unhappy? I don't get why all three of you are being passively, politely miserable about this.
posted by desuetude at 5:51 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
It would break her heart for her boyfriend's rude behavior to be brought to her attention? Is it breaking her heart that her sister is unhappy? I don't get why all three of you are being passively, politely miserable about this.
posted by desuetude at 5:51 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
While you say that it isn't an option, this question has come up on AskMe a thousand zillion times before and the answer is always the same: Move. Out.
It's a sucky and complicated option, but your other option is suck it up. That's it. Those are your choices. Move out and deal with the consequences of breaking the lease and finding a new place, or stay in the situation knowing that you can't change it. Sure, you can talk to your sister (and you probably should anyway) about how he's making you crazy, but that might backfire. You can try talking to him, but if his social skills are as you've described, it might not do any good.
The only thing you have the power to change in this situation is your response to it. You can look at things as they are and say "This is how they are and it's not great, but I'm ok with it and I'm going to do x, y, and z to cope." (And, y'know, come up with things x, y, and/or z that you can do just for yourself.) Or you can say "I can't live in this situation anymore" and move out. Those are the only choices within your power here.
posted by sonika at 6:01 PM on February 9, 2011
It's a sucky and complicated option, but your other option is suck it up. That's it. Those are your choices. Move out and deal with the consequences of breaking the lease and finding a new place, or stay in the situation knowing that you can't change it. Sure, you can talk to your sister (and you probably should anyway) about how he's making you crazy, but that might backfire. You can try talking to him, but if his social skills are as you've described, it might not do any good.
The only thing you have the power to change in this situation is your response to it. You can look at things as they are and say "This is how they are and it's not great, but I'm ok with it and I'm going to do x, y, and z to cope." (And, y'know, come up with things x, y, and/or z that you can do just for yourself.) Or you can say "I can't live in this situation anymore" and move out. Those are the only choices within your power here.
posted by sonika at 6:01 PM on February 9, 2011
I think you should consider them to be a unit, and consider her as the diplomat spokesperson for that unit.
Re: his friendliness, first ignore all the assuming in this thread. We don't know if he resents you for being there, has anxiety, or what. Then, bring it up lightly with your sister as lizbunny suggests. If you find him to be such a difficult roommate that you'd prefer to live on your own, you might gradually build up to clearly telling your sister this, then moving out.
Re: housework, as a unit do they do their share? (Do they clean up after themselves and do something over 1/2 and approaching 2/3 of the shared chores?) If so, if your sister picks up his slack, you have no grievance. If not, tell her that they're not doing their share.
"I don't like him" is irrelevant. If you're worried about her happiness, say that. (But that's not what you're telling us, so don't say that.)
I think your real grievance is with your sister, and you should ask for sisters-alone time.
posted by salvia at 6:06 PM on February 9, 2011
Re: his friendliness, first ignore all the assuming in this thread. We don't know if he resents you for being there, has anxiety, or what. Then, bring it up lightly with your sister as lizbunny suggests. If you find him to be such a difficult roommate that you'd prefer to live on your own, you might gradually build up to clearly telling your sister this, then moving out.
Re: housework, as a unit do they do their share? (Do they clean up after themselves and do something over 1/2 and approaching 2/3 of the shared chores?) If so, if your sister picks up his slack, you have no grievance. If not, tell her that they're not doing their share.
"I don't like him" is irrelevant. If you're worried about her happiness, say that. (But that's not what you're telling us, so don't say that.)
I think your real grievance is with your sister, and you should ask for sisters-alone time.
posted by salvia at 6:06 PM on February 9, 2011
The friendliness and the housework are two separate things.
I think the coldness on his part could very likely be social anxiety. Does he seem to have many friends or get along with anyone especially well, other than your sister? I wouldn't necessarily attribute malice to him on this end and there may not be anything you can do about this.
The messiness thing has to be fixed. You need to talk to your sister about it. "Look, sister, boyfriend hasn't been cleaning up after himself at all. Maybe he's just a messy person, but I don't think it's fair that you and I get stuck cleaning up after him so much." I've lived with people (including my own boyfriend) who were just ridiculously slobby and it wasn't out of any disrespect, they were just too forgetful and didn't care/notice about things being messy. You have to talk to him or the sister.
posted by elpea at 6:15 PM on February 9, 2011
I think the coldness on his part could very likely be social anxiety. Does he seem to have many friends or get along with anyone especially well, other than your sister? I wouldn't necessarily attribute malice to him on this end and there may not be anything you can do about this.
The messiness thing has to be fixed. You need to talk to your sister about it. "Look, sister, boyfriend hasn't been cleaning up after himself at all. Maybe he's just a messy person, but I don't think it's fair that you and I get stuck cleaning up after him so much." I've lived with people (including my own boyfriend) who were just ridiculously slobby and it wasn't out of any disrespect, they were just too forgetful and didn't care/notice about things being messy. You have to talk to him or the sister.
posted by elpea at 6:15 PM on February 9, 2011
I'm actually going to go against the grain and suggest that you shouldn't go through your sister - she might not even pass your message on, and it may sow the seeds of discord between you two. Have you tried just telling him what you need him to do in order to make you happy with the living situation? Do it without any hint that he's being an asshole, just matter of fact, hey you forgot to throw out your trash, would you mind shoveling the steps I did it last week. Tell him every time he does something unacceptable, though be careful to keep it reasonable and keep up your share of the chores. It seems like you don't actually think he's a jerk, just unaware of social cues. You can't expect people like that to pick up on subtleties, so the nicest thing you can do is lay it out.
posted by fermezporte at 7:33 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by fermezporte at 7:33 PM on February 9, 2011
He's not shy or socially awkward. He lets you clean up after him and he digs his car out and not the walkway ==> he's a selfish asshole and his mother probably spoiled him rotten his entire life. Seriously. There is no other interpretation of that kind of behavior. He's rude to your family because ultimately he doesn't respect your sister, which she will doubtless find out for herself in the natural course of things.
Move out and tell them both why you're leaving in no uncertain terms. Won't do him much good but it might be a wake up call for you sister.
posted by fshgrl at 9:16 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Move out and tell them both why you're leaving in no uncertain terms. Won't do him much good but it might be a wake up call for you sister.
posted by fshgrl at 9:16 PM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
I went out with someone who lived with a couple - it started out as three friends, then one moved out and a girlfriend moved in. They were very unfriendly toward me - even down to offering me a cup of tea and making one for me in a mug with a broken handle. I spoke to my then SO and asked him to have a word with them, as it didn't feel appropriate for me to do so. SO replied with 'No, I don't want to make things awkward for myself, it's your problem, so you deal with it.' This was one of the reasons why we eventually broke up - not the situation, per se, but his unwillingness to have my back.
Sounds like the boyfriend is very similar. He may not want you there, but he isn't kind enough to your sister to treat her family well and make them feel welcome. You need to speak to her about it and explain this to her, and then you need to let the outcome decide on whether you move out. Personally, since that experience above I would be absolutely reluctant to live with a couple - it worked out for me once because said couple were very nice and welcoming and didn't resent my presence in any way- because 'three's a crowd' is a cliche for a reason. It's not the same as living with room-mates, the dynamic will always be a little different.
posted by mippy at 7:13 AM on February 10, 2011
Sounds like the boyfriend is very similar. He may not want you there, but he isn't kind enough to your sister to treat her family well and make them feel welcome. You need to speak to her about it and explain this to her, and then you need to let the outcome decide on whether you move out. Personally, since that experience above I would be absolutely reluctant to live with a couple - it worked out for me once because said couple were very nice and welcoming and didn't resent my presence in any way- because 'three's a crowd' is a cliche for a reason. It's not the same as living with room-mates, the dynamic will always be a little different.
posted by mippy at 7:13 AM on February 10, 2011
Okay, your response makes this much clearer. Unfortunately, it sounds like moving out would be tough, and it might also feel like a slap in the face since you found the apartment. Fortunately, you have an end date for the lease, so you know when this will all be over - and 5 months is really not that long!
As has been said, moving out is always the solution to unresolved roommate issues. So step 1 for feeling better is for you to resolve to move out. Maybe you'll live alone? Maybe you have some friends in the city that you can room with? Maybe your sister wants to get away from him too, and you and she will be roomies again (seems unlikely, but you never know)? Anyway, I always find unpleasant situations better when I have a plan to get out, so I think you should start by planning your exit so you can feel settled and start counting down the days.
As for dealing with the situation now: first try to just make your peace with the fact that you and SBF won't interact much. It's annoying, but if you haven't been able to make friends with him then maybe it just isn't meant to be. Laugh to yourself about how awkward it is, focus on life post-annoying-roommate, and let go of it. If that works, it might be all you need. Otherwise, you can try being nice again and see if you make any headway. Whether or not you make headway, the weeks you spend trying to be nice put you weeks closer to moving out. Finally, if it comes to a head, maybe a discussion with your sister is in order, but see if you can handle this in your head first.
Good luck!
posted by Tehhund at 9:10 AM on February 10, 2011
As has been said, moving out is always the solution to unresolved roommate issues. So step 1 for feeling better is for you to resolve to move out. Maybe you'll live alone? Maybe you have some friends in the city that you can room with? Maybe your sister wants to get away from him too, and you and she will be roomies again (seems unlikely, but you never know)? Anyway, I always find unpleasant situations better when I have a plan to get out, so I think you should start by planning your exit so you can feel settled and start counting down the days.
As for dealing with the situation now: first try to just make your peace with the fact that you and SBF won't interact much. It's annoying, but if you haven't been able to make friends with him then maybe it just isn't meant to be. Laugh to yourself about how awkward it is, focus on life post-annoying-roommate, and let go of it. If that works, it might be all you need. Otherwise, you can try being nice again and see if you make any headway. Whether or not you make headway, the weeks you spend trying to be nice put you weeks closer to moving out. Finally, if it comes to a head, maybe a discussion with your sister is in order, but see if you can handle this in your head first.
Good luck!
posted by Tehhund at 9:10 AM on February 10, 2011
With 5 months to go on the lease (and a clarification of your situation, thanks for that), I'd suggest you ask sister and boy for a time the three of you can sit down to talk about chore allocation. Don't mention anything about coldness or unfriendliness! This is all about living conditions.
Ask them how they'd like to allocate chores. Will it be a chore wheel, or will each of you be responsible for one area? And what are the expectations (e.g., dishes cleaned up within 24 hours of use, within 2 days, within a week?)
For the random crap all over, specifically clothes and shoes on the floor, I'd suggest getting a laundry basket and parking it in the corner of each room. If it irritates you, toss it all into the basket, and the owners can retrieve it at their leisure (note: there is a way to do this in a passive-aggressive way, such as sweeping incomplete projects, opened mail, etc into the laundry basket. You probably want to avoid this)
The interaction stuff is annoying, but the first step is figuring out chores. Right now you feel uncomfortable in your own house, and that isn't right. He doesn't need to do any chores, but they must be doing 2/3 of the work (or hire a cleaner, something I always endorse) or there needs to be another come-to-Jesus meeting.
posted by arnicae at 9:35 PM on February 11, 2011
Ask them how they'd like to allocate chores. Will it be a chore wheel, or will each of you be responsible for one area? And what are the expectations (e.g., dishes cleaned up within 24 hours of use, within 2 days, within a week?)
For the random crap all over, specifically clothes and shoes on the floor, I'd suggest getting a laundry basket and parking it in the corner of each room. If it irritates you, toss it all into the basket, and the owners can retrieve it at their leisure (note: there is a way to do this in a passive-aggressive way, such as sweeping incomplete projects, opened mail, etc into the laundry basket. You probably want to avoid this)
The interaction stuff is annoying, but the first step is figuring out chores. Right now you feel uncomfortable in your own house, and that isn't right. He doesn't need to do any chores, but they must be doing 2/3 of the work (or hire a cleaner, something I always endorse) or there needs to be another come-to-Jesus meeting.
posted by arnicae at 9:35 PM on February 11, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
The best outcome I can see involves you living happily in your own place, not having to deal with jerks who see you baggage, and having your sister come over and hang with you once in a while. I'd love to have a magic solution that could fix your living situation as-is, but frankly it would just be icing a horsepuck; ditch the horsepuck and go get yourself some straight-up icing, imo.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:48 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]