Please Help She Bop
February 8, 2011 10:15 AM   Subscribe

I can only orgasm in one specific way. I blame a decade and a half of one type of masturbation. I’m 27, female, and a special snowflake.

Unlike the other questions I’ve seen here, this question does not involve vibrators. Ever since I was a kid, the only way I can orgasm is by basically humping a solid structure. This means I’m propping myself up on my hands, arms straight, with a lot of pressure from (usually) the corner of a bed on my clitoris with my legs crossed. I love having sex with my boyfriend and it feels great, I’ve used vibrators with partners and solo in the past and they felt good, but this is the only way I have ever orgasmed and it only takes about 45 seconds, maximum, to be effective.

I know I’m better off than a lot of women in that I can orgasm, but I would really like to be able to do so with a partner or at least in a different way solo. Please help.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (16 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

Have you considered showing your partner this technique and getting him involved with it?
posted by parmanparman at 10:25 AM on February 8, 2011

I'm jealous of your speediness! Having your partner involved in your usual way is a start, and might help him brainstorm new ways with you. Have you tried you on top and his using knuckles or something to give you a similarly strong clitoral pressure? Or a strong vibrator like a hitachi magic wand in your "usual position"?

Basically, all of these suggestions start with what you know works for you, and tries slight variations from that theme. And give yourself a lot of time with those variations, they're likely to take longer than your surefire method.

Lastly, give yourself license to go back to the old method when you need to. It works, and that's great!
posted by ldthomps at 10:37 AM on February 8, 2011

Have you tried (what I imagine is) the advice from the vibrator threads? Just don't use your preferred method for as long as it takes.
I found it helpful to be extremely busy/stressed out while I did this so I wasn't constantly thinking about sex. YMMV.

Have you seen the Cone? It's a vibrator, but the site might give you some ideas for positions / props to try.
posted by momus_window at 10:42 AM on February 8, 2011

Surely, a knee would do the trick?
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:43 AM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

This sounds sort of like the female equivalent of that "death grip" technique that tends to trip men up similarly.

Can you work on expanding your masturbation horizons and learning to come in new ways? Don't worry about involving your partner in this, just explore for yourself. In a relaxing and pressure-free sort of way, of course.

Also, it occurs to me that you being on top would probably be a good thing to try. If you haven't already.

Additionally - and this is going to sound like total bullshit woo - I sometimes feel like there are different "ways" of coming. I don't want to overshare, but ummm, let's just say that the powerhouse orgasms that come from solo jackhammer masturbation are not the only way to for sex to feel really good.
posted by Sara C. at 10:49 AM on February 8, 2011

This is exactly how I first started to masturbate as a kid. It's kind of a variation of "humping furniture" and it works wonders and incredibly fast. I've never met any other lady who did it this way, but knew I couldn't be the only one. Yet another reason why Metafilter is pretty alright.

In my exerperience I thought I could only orgasm this way as well, but through practice I've developed methods for me to O in quite a few varied ways. It takes practice.

PM me for some elaboration.
posted by GEB's fun world at 10:50 AM on February 8, 2011

Could you do a little masturbatory experimentation to separate out which elements of your preferred method are essential, and which are only preferable? For instance, can you get off with the same sort of pressure, but a different body position? Same body position, but different object underneath you? Do your legs really have to be crossed?

If it's just a question of getting firm pressure at the root of the clitoris, then perhaps doggy-style, you bent over the bed-corner, guy behind you basically jamming your crotch into the bed might work?

Regardless, don't despair. It's been my experience that stimulation preferences and styles change a lot with maturation (even into the 30s) and other experiences like pregnancy, childbirth, etc. Your orgasmic profile now is probably not the one you'll have 10 years hence.
posted by Bardolph at 11:00 AM on February 8, 2011

my girlfriend is able to orgasm this way by giving head and rubbing up against my knee. that may be pleasurable for both.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 11:07 AM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am nthing the knee thing (just get the right angle and do whatever fuin thing you want with wherever your mouth is).

Also, try clenching a firm pillow between your legs and making the same motions onto that that you would the corner of a bed.

Like GEB's fun world, this question is very similar to my experience! For partners, the knee thing, for self-pleasure, try the pillow thing.
posted by hepta at 11:32 AM on February 8, 2011

From a MeFite who would prefer to remain anonymous:
You probably have a very sensitive clitoris, which prefers indirect grinding to direct diddling-type stimulation. Me too. Try masturbating a slightly different way and gradually learning to come a different way. Here's a little practice progression that will probably work:

1. New masturbation technique: Lie on your belly, legs together and crossed. Put your dominant hand on your lady-parts, kind of cupping them. Other hand overtop of the first hand. Use your pelvis to aggressively hump your hands- grind your mons pubis downwards into the palms of all four fingers, and push back with your fingers with each downwards grind of your pelvis. Then release the hand-pressure somewhat as your pelvis grinds back up: grind down, float up. Not too fast, but deliberately and with lots of pelvic thrust.

You don't want to touch your clit too directly- if you overstimulate a very sensitive clit, it'll feel okay, but you won't come. Try it wearing jeans, or just panties, or if you're naked, hump your hands with your clit tucked inside your labia majora. Or put a bit of the bedsheet in between your hands and clitoris. Anything to even out the pressure so you don't overstimulate yourself. A little lube on the clit may help, too.

When you can come like that, move on:

2. Hump your hands the same way, but now put something against the opening / into your vagina while you do it. A finger, a dildo, etc. As practice for coming during sex, try to get to the point where you can come, while naked, with something inside of you, while humping your hands.

Adjust how much padding is between your hands and clit (from most padding to least, experiment with a pillow, blanket, jeans, panties, labia majora, fingers sliding alongside the clit (the right side of the clit is probably more sensitive, btw), and finally fingers sliding directly OVER the clit).

Again, you want the most hand-pressure as your pelvis thrusts down into the bed, and the hand-pressure should release somewhat as your pelvis humps back up away from the bed. Your whole body, including buttocks, can tense in this rhythm, too, for added intensity.

Now involve your guy:

3. Lay flat on your belly. Have your partner enter from behind with his finger(s) or penis, then close & cross your legs. With him inside you, go to town humping your hands. You can probably come just from this, with him barely moving at all.

4. The next level would be to hump your hands the same way, while he thrusts. Make sure his thrusts are concentrating on getting most of the length of his penis to slide in and out of you, not just keeping his penis most the way inside and pumping your pelvis with each hump. You want his thrusts to give you inches of vaginal friction, not pounds of whole-body vibration.

5. Pro tip: the ideal humping rhythm is counter-intuitive. Ideally, as your pelvis humps down onto your hands, he should thrust all the way in, and as your butt rises and your hand-pressure lessens, his penis should pull out. I know it's very weird, but basically when you thrust down and put the most hand-pressure on your clit, that's also when you'd want the thrust to go all the way in. It's a bit more tricky to coordinate it this way- his instinct will be to do the exact opposite rhythm and hump inwards when your butt comes up-- but I'm pretty sure you'll come like a spaceship if you guys get it right.

If that works ok, then:

6. Try sex with you on top. When you're on top, lay forward on him, belly-to-belly, and grind your clit into his pubic bone deliberately. Forget everything you've learned from porn: don't think of his penis going in-and-out. Instead, keep your pelvises together, and try to grind back and forth on his pubic bone- the penis will go in and out, yes, but the main idea is to grind that pubic-bone pressure against your clit. Again, maybe have the clit tucked inside the labia for extra padding if it's too sensitive, and experiment with putting some lube on the clit, too.

A lot of women try to have sex as if they're giving the penis a blowjob with their vagina- concentrating on an in-and-out motion with lots of space between the two pelvises- but I think if you keep your pelvises together and focus on grinding yourself off on him, he'll enjoy it too, especially if it's helping you come.

It's cool if he grabs your butt, too- encourage him to squeeze your buttcheeks together to put even more pressure on your clit, not to pull them open like in a porno. Again, the need for camera angles in porno makes everyone splay themselves apart for sex- don't fall for it. Sex looks good when it's all spread apart, but it feels way better when things are squeezed tight.

7. Missionary will likely work too, once you've done the other steps listed above. Wrap your legs around his knees for extra pressure and grab his butt to guide his thrusts. Again, focus on keeping the pelvises close together and grinding your clit up into his pubic bone. Don't think of sex as your pelvises pulling apart and bonking back together again as the penis goes in and out- think of keeping the clit glued to the base of the penis and grinding it back and forth there, with the in-and-out motion secondary to the grinding motion.

8. For oral sex, try a 69 position with you on top. He should use firm, whole-tongue licks, like the tongue of a St. Bernard, using the flat, wet middle of his tongue. He should NOT make his tongue hard and pointy, or try to move your clit sideways. His licks should be long smooth licks in one direction only, starting nearest your bellybutton. This direction keeps the clitoral hood over the clit, which prevents overstimulating a sensitive clit.

The standard oral sex position (woman on her back, man between her legs) encourages the opposite- his licks will go in the direction of butt-to-bellybutton, and each lick will strip your foreskin back from your clit and it's too sensitive- it might feel good, but it's harder for a sensitive clit to come that way. Doing the 69 means your clit is oriented upside down, so when he licks comfortably, he gets your clit going in the right direction, from navel-to-butt.

You should kind of hump his tongue as he licks you. And give him a blowjob at the same time, using your hands as well.

9. To use a vibrator, try this: lie on your back, legs apart. Put the tip of the vibrator lengthwise beside the right side of your clit (the back end of the vibrator will be sticking out in front of you at right angles to your body). Put one finger against the left side of your clit. Press your clit between that finger and the vibrator tip. Keep the vibrator mostly still, and hump your pelvis up and down very gently. Try to relax, it'll be intense- you might prefer a not-too-strong vibrator to start.

Hope this helps. By the way, a throwaway email address might get you more responses here.
posted by jessamyn at 11:34 AM on February 8, 2011 [23 favorites]

I could have written your post at one time. In my experience, moving not to a regular vibrator but something stronger and non-penetrative will work with patience and practice. Lots of people recommend the Hitachi Magic Wand--I only ever had some cheap hand-held massager and it worked great. And like momus suggested, it didn't work for me until I quit doing the other thing.
posted by heatvision at 11:55 AM on February 8, 2011

My partner loves to roll onto one of my thighs in bed and ride herself wild. Suits me perfect to feel her get off. Even if you can't have an orgasm through intercourse, you can still share the moment with your special someone.
posted by bprater at 12:01 PM on February 8, 2011

If you're really committed to learning to orgasm in a different way, there is the option of refraining from masturbating for a few months while still engaging in other sexual activity. There's a good chance that, after a while, your body will respond to the stimulation and you'll orgasm through a different method. I've heard Dan Savage recommend this on occasion (though usually to men, but I can't see why it wouldn't work for women). It will likely be a frustrating few months though.
posted by easy_being_green at 12:31 PM on February 8, 2011

From the OP: email for contact can go to:
posted by jessamyn at 2:02 PM on February 8, 2011

Even if you can't have an orgasm through intercourse

you'll be like the significant majority of all women, don't forget that.

And frottage against one's partner can be super-fun for both parties! But if you want to broaden your repertoire of responses, the nine-step method that the anonymous responder shared via jessamyn sounds very doable.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:44 PM on February 8, 2011

Response by poster: This is the equivalent of "death grip," you've only come that way for so long that you're stuck in the rut.

Stop masturbating that way and continue to explore new positions/toys/etc with yourself and your partner. It takes time (and frustration) but it does work.
posted by Anonymous at 4:55 PM on February 8, 2011

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