We're working together, alone, again --- no no no
February 1, 2011 5:55 PM Subscribe
How to deal with no-go work infatuation
Hi. So, I tend to develop romantic infatuations, often with the wrong people. How do I deal with this? Work on my own shit, don't date, live a celibate life oh these three or so years. Therapy once a week. It's cool.
UNTIL I end up working with somebody with whom there is a huge sexual tension. Meaning that I'd cut off a finger to jump his bones, and there's a lot of flirty stuff coming from him too -- when he's not being mean. The meanness is real meanness, like RED FUCKING FLAG mean, and yet I still want him. Christ on a sidecar.
Any advice, guys? I need to get outside the bell jar of my infatuation, and I'm having a hard time. The flirting on his end is heating up, and damn if I don't feel like a complete jerk because I want somebody because they are a) Funny and b) Mean.
Hi. So, I tend to develop romantic infatuations, often with the wrong people. How do I deal with this? Work on my own shit, don't date, live a celibate life oh these three or so years. Therapy once a week. It's cool.
UNTIL I end up working with somebody with whom there is a huge sexual tension. Meaning that I'd cut off a finger to jump his bones, and there's a lot of flirty stuff coming from him too -- when he's not being mean. The meanness is real meanness, like RED FUCKING FLAG mean, and yet I still want him. Christ on a sidecar.
Any advice, guys? I need to get outside the bell jar of my infatuation, and I'm having a hard time. The flirting on his end is heating up, and damn if I don't feel like a complete jerk because I want somebody because they are a) Funny and b) Mean.
Don't fuck mean people.
Get some therapy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:03 PM on February 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
Get some therapy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:03 PM on February 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
As you seem to realize, funny & mean makes for hot fantasies but horrible real-life consequences. Minimize your time around this person, stop the flirting (because that's only going to get you in trouble), and find someone exciting outside of work to enjoy extracurricular activities with
Also, as you say you're in therapy, have to you talked to your therapist about this?
posted by smirkette at 6:03 PM on February 1, 2011
Also, as you say you're in therapy, have to you talked to your therapist about this?
posted by smirkette at 6:03 PM on February 1, 2011
"If I dated this guy, he might snap and beat my face in someday" should do it.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 6:04 PM on February 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 6:04 PM on February 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
I speak from experience: sex with mean people is a bad idea. Sex with mean people you'll have to see every day afterward is a worse idea.
posted by geegollygosh at 6:10 PM on February 1, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by geegollygosh at 6:10 PM on February 1, 2011 [19 favorites]
That sucks. Well, are jobs really so hard to come by these days ...?
So you've been working on yourself and doing therapy for a while. If a new job/transfer isn't possible, you could look at this as an opportunity to enforce those good boundaries and stay out of a situation you know will be bad for you. Don't talk about any personal topics with this guy - keep things professional. Don't let him bait you into anything.
Maybe you should think about dating and finding someone who isn't a jerk (and a coworker). You know if you're ready or not. An infatuation is more consuming when you have no other (positive, satisfying) outlet.
posted by griselda at 6:13 PM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
So you've been working on yourself and doing therapy for a while. If a new job/transfer isn't possible, you could look at this as an opportunity to enforce those good boundaries and stay out of a situation you know will be bad for you. Don't talk about any personal topics with this guy - keep things professional. Don't let him bait you into anything.
Maybe you should think about dating and finding someone who isn't a jerk (and a coworker). You know if you're ready or not. An infatuation is more consuming when you have no other (positive, satisfying) outlet.
posted by griselda at 6:13 PM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Consider this, if you need further persuasive points against doing anything.
If you start something with someone who's that mean, it's not just going to be you who thinks less of you; everybody else in your office will, too.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:15 PM on February 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
If you start something with someone who's that mean, it's not just going to be you who thinks less of you; everybody else in your office will, too.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:15 PM on February 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
Would finding someone else diffuse the tension?
Or even pretending you had?
posted by sien at 6:16 PM on February 1, 2011
Or even pretending you had?
posted by sien at 6:16 PM on February 1, 2011
I was in a similar work/mean guy situation for a long time. It both crushed me, and made me stronger and quite honestly, it helped me realize that i never ever ever ever ever want to end up with a man like that.
I have 3 pieces of advice for you:
1. you have to ask yourself "how much abuse am i willing to take, and am i strong enough to pull myself out of a potentially harmful situation?"
2. remind yourself that he's probably a mean asshole because he's horrible in bed, has severe woman issues, probably has a tiny penis, and he gets off on being mean to girls as a self defense mechanism.
3. de-stigmatize him! you only like him because 1. you work with him, it's a power thing, and 2. he's mean and you subconsciously like the abuse. Both are fine if you recognize them, and honestly you can probably have fun if you want.
Throw this all together and what do you get? Who knows...but it sounds like this dude is bad news, and you like that for some reason. Either embrace it and prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions that will scar you, or ignore it and probably find it pop up again somewhere else down the line.
posted by katypickle at 6:18 PM on February 1, 2011
I have 3 pieces of advice for you:
1. you have to ask yourself "how much abuse am i willing to take, and am i strong enough to pull myself out of a potentially harmful situation?"
2. remind yourself that he's probably a mean asshole because he's horrible in bed, has severe woman issues, probably has a tiny penis, and he gets off on being mean to girls as a self defense mechanism.
3. de-stigmatize him! you only like him because 1. you work with him, it's a power thing, and 2. he's mean and you subconsciously like the abuse. Both are fine if you recognize them, and honestly you can probably have fun if you want.
Throw this all together and what do you get? Who knows...but it sounds like this dude is bad news, and you like that for some reason. Either embrace it and prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions that will scar you, or ignore it and probably find it pop up again somewhere else down the line.
posted by katypickle at 6:18 PM on February 1, 2011
If he's already mean enough with what he says/does, try to imagine how mean his unexpressed thoughts are. Imagine all the mean and hateful things he probably thinks about you. Imagine all the mean and hateful things he'd think about you after having sex with you. Ugh, things like that turn me the hell off.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:24 PM on February 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:24 PM on February 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
I found out, long after I left a job, that the good-looking misogynist asshole actually did have a tiny dick (and, apparently, a penchant for stripping down when drunk at parties, so it was well-documented.) I guess all cliches have some basis in fact...
posted by restless_nomad at 6:36 PM on February 1, 2011
posted by restless_nomad at 6:36 PM on February 1, 2011
Meaning that I'd cut off a finger to jump his bones,
I'm guessing the hyperbole was subconsiously deliberate, and that finger has served as a surrogate "his bone" numerous times before.
In either event, don't have sex with doody-heads. I've found that the types that are mean when they flirt have severe deep-seeded insecurities, and they're trying to push you away before you get close enough to find out how pathetic they are.
If you're still undecided, ask him "Do you like cake?" If the answer is anything other than an eager affirmative, stay clear.
If you're still undecided, and he threatened to kill you for giving him cake blue balls, just find one of his ex-girlfriends and get her opinion. That should do it.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 6:40 PM on February 1, 2011
I'm guessing the hyperbole was subconsiously deliberate, and that finger has served as a surrogate "his bone" numerous times before.
In either event, don't have sex with doody-heads. I've found that the types that are mean when they flirt have severe deep-seeded insecurities, and they're trying to push you away before you get close enough to find out how pathetic they are.
If you're still undecided, ask him "Do you like cake?" If the answer is anything other than an eager affirmative, stay clear.
If you're still undecided, and he threatened to kill you for giving him cake blue balls, just find one of his ex-girlfriends and get her opinion. That should do it.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 6:40 PM on February 1, 2011
This is total conjecture based only on the friends I had in high school who were infatuated with mean guys. I think they got infatuated with these guys because they see them as being powerful in a way, with their meanness. And they also got kind of an ego boost in a way about trying to be the girl the mean guy liked, like that made them special.
I think if you were as mean back to him as you could get away with without having it backfire with work consequences, it might dispel a lot of that. Like downright rude, insulting ... you ever have horrible judgmental thoughts that come into your head that you would never say because it isn't nice? You could go ahead and say those. I think he would fold like a cheap suit and be submissive like you couldn't imagine. By the way, this is really horrible advice, it's a bad way to be and I completely agree with amtho that mean people are pathetic.
posted by Ashley801 at 6:42 PM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think if you were as mean back to him as you could get away with without having it backfire with work consequences, it might dispel a lot of that. Like downright rude, insulting ... you ever have horrible judgmental thoughts that come into your head that you would never say because it isn't nice? You could go ahead and say those. I think he would fold like a cheap suit and be submissive like you couldn't imagine. By the way, this is really horrible advice, it's a bad way to be and I completely agree with amtho that mean people are pathetic.
posted by Ashley801 at 6:42 PM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Envision the current scenario. He wants you, he's flirting with you. You are in control. He's trying to undermine your confidence, but you're not letting him, because you are smart and strong. You're enjoying the flirtation and the ego boost it gives you. The sexual tension gives you a lift all day. Not bad.
Now envision what it looks like after you fucked him. The sex wasn't good (it never is with these types) but still, your control over the situation is gone. The ego boost has been replaced with ugly contempt. He's not flirting anymore - he never really liked you, he just wanted the conquest - but you know that meanness is now free to be directed your way. And you have to keep working with him!
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:51 PM on February 1, 2011 [23 favorites]
Now envision what it looks like after you fucked him. The sex wasn't good (it never is with these types) but still, your control over the situation is gone. The ego boost has been replaced with ugly contempt. He's not flirting anymore - he never really liked you, he just wanted the conquest - but you know that meanness is now free to be directed your way. And you have to keep working with him!
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:51 PM on February 1, 2011 [23 favorites]
I know you two are flirting, but why the hell is he being mean to a co-worker? And are there any steps you can take (with HR, for instance) to deal with that?
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:06 PM on February 1, 2011
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:06 PM on February 1, 2011
also, don't underestimate the respect you might lose for yourself after your crush has worn off and you realize that you're the kind of girl who will have sex with that kind of guy.
posted by geegollygosh at 7:18 PM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by geegollygosh at 7:18 PM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
You could also go watch a bunch of Neil LaBute films, or maybe some Todd Solondz. Just enough to give you the feeling that people suck and aren't worth pursuing-- In the Company of Men and Welcome to the Dollhouse would probably both do it.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:19 PM on February 1, 2011
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:19 PM on February 1, 2011
People are on their best behavior at the beginning of things. His being mean is his best behavior. You have to believe that you deserve better treatment than that---maybe you could focus your therapy on ways to develop and solidify that belief.
posted by headnsouth at 7:39 PM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 7:39 PM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Pretend you have an awesome new SO.
This has worked for me.
posted by salvia at 7:53 PM on February 1, 2011
This has worked for me.
posted by salvia at 7:53 PM on February 1, 2011
Work on this with your therapist, big time. Tell him/her what is going on and that you need help staying away from this guy.
I'd say "go find someone else to be interested in," but if you PREFER mean, uh... you need to work on that. Stay celibate until you do, because if you like mean, it's all too easy to find a guy who likes to beat your face in.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:42 PM on February 1, 2011
I'd say "go find someone else to be interested in," but if you PREFER mean, uh... you need to work on that. Stay celibate until you do, because if you like mean, it's all too easy to find a guy who likes to beat your face in.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:42 PM on February 1, 2011
Like others have suggested, try "playing the tape all the way through". Imagine jumping this dude, but don't stop there, keep the fantasy going and imagine what it's going to feel like having your body touching someone who thinks you're a piece of shit.
posted by facetious at 8:49 PM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by facetious at 8:49 PM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mean is not good, it might be hot, but it won't end there. Keep away from mean, that way lies hurt feelings and possibly other bad stuff. There's better people more deserving of your attentions.
posted by arcticseal at 9:43 PM on February 1, 2011
posted by arcticseal at 9:43 PM on February 1, 2011
I absolutely agree this person despises you.
The flirting isn't about liking you, it's about manipulating you. He doesn't want to fall in love with you, he wants to fool you into sleeping with him so he can enjoy humiliating you every day at work once he's used you.
Recognize the signs of manipulation and stop finding it flattering or attractive.
posted by jbenben at 12:33 AM on February 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
The flirting isn't about liking you, it's about manipulating you. He doesn't want to fall in love with you, he wants to fool you into sleeping with him so he can enjoy humiliating you every day at work once he's used you.
Recognize the signs of manipulation and stop finding it flattering or attractive.
posted by jbenben at 12:33 AM on February 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
Generally.... don't date people at work. Work will continue. Relationships usually don't. Bad mix.
Also, as an inducement, imagine explaining the black eye to your co-workers who didn't punch you out. With him in the room. Screwing with your office email. And paycheck. While you are on vacation. Or in the hospital.
I feel for you. Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 3:08 AM on February 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, as an inducement, imagine explaining the black eye to your co-workers who didn't punch you out. With him in the room. Screwing with your office email. And paycheck. While you are on vacation. Or in the hospital.
I feel for you. Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 3:08 AM on February 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
There seems to be a lot of over-reacting on the "Mean" thing in thread. What does "he's mean to you" actually imply?
I used to find it was much easier to pick up women by being just a little too cavalier / tough - slightly mean. this did not mean I would ever beat someones face in or that I was insecure. It was just more effective was of making an impression than being "nice".
posted by mary8nne at 6:47 AM on February 2, 2011
I used to find it was much easier to pick up women by being just a little too cavalier / tough - slightly mean. this did not mean I would ever beat someones face in or that I was insecure. It was just more effective was of making an impression than being "nice".
posted by mary8nne at 6:47 AM on February 2, 2011
Keep reminding yourself: your romantic infatuation is just a chemical reaction going on inside your body. Your romantic infatuation is just a chemical reaction going on inside your body. Your romantic infatuation is just a chemical reaction going on inside your body. That chemical reaction has no regard for your mental health or your well being.
Also, you want him in part because he is mean? What's up with that? These things sometimes stem from childhood. Was your dad mean? Was there some other adult in your life who was mean but who at the same time promised to love you?
Why don't you go after someone who's funny and nice?
posted by Tin Man at 7:33 AM on February 2, 2011
Also, you want him in part because he is mean? What's up with that? These things sometimes stem from childhood. Was your dad mean? Was there some other adult in your life who was mean but who at the same time promised to love you?
Why don't you go after someone who's funny and nice?
posted by Tin Man at 7:33 AM on February 2, 2011
If he works with you and is both "flirty" and "mean," then you have a case that he creates a hostile workplace for you and your supervisor is required by law to resolve the situation should you ask for it.
The questions of his worthiness, likely intentions, and the source of your desire for this "mean" guy has been well covered above. I agree he is bad news.
But keep in mind that "flirty" and "mean" have some legal workplace implications. If you should (hopefully, sensibly) desire this dynamic to change, your management is legally required to help with this under Sexual Harassment laws.
posted by cross_impact at 9:14 AM on February 2, 2011
The questions of his worthiness, likely intentions, and the source of your desire for this "mean" guy has been well covered above. I agree he is bad news.
But keep in mind that "flirty" and "mean" have some legal workplace implications. If you should (hopefully, sensibly) desire this dynamic to change, your management is legally required to help with this under Sexual Harassment laws.
posted by cross_impact at 9:14 AM on February 2, 2011
I don't think you like being abused on any conscious or unconscious level, because if you did, you would be out there enjoying yourself too much to have time for asking questions here. It's not like there's any shortage of abusive mean people in the world, after all.
But.
A lot of people will think you like abuse if you keep pursuing this guy. Everyone at your workplace will think you like abuse, and maybe tell you so. You'll think it yourself. It'll make it that much harder to complain to HR after he starts flat-out deliberately sabotaging your livelihood because it'll look like a personal dispute between you and your ex. He will make it look that way. He will tamper with your work in ways you can't prove and won't even bother trying to complain about because complaining will make you look like a woman scorned. Do you see?
Also - I'm sure you know that the meanness you're seeing isn't all the meanness he has to offer. But you'll still be shocked when you find out just how bad it is. Do you have a cat? He'll probably hurt your cat. Never mind that all the other abusers in your life at least had the decency to worship your cat as much as you did - this guy is not like the others, he is horribly worse. If not in that way, then in some other way that you won't see coming until it's too late. Imagine the one thing above all else that you absolutely couldn't stand to have him do to you. He is going to do that. And then, as a crowning insult, he is going to tell you you liked it.
posted by tel3path at 9:55 AM on February 2, 2011
But.
A lot of people will think you like abuse if you keep pursuing this guy. Everyone at your workplace will think you like abuse, and maybe tell you so. You'll think it yourself. It'll make it that much harder to complain to HR after he starts flat-out deliberately sabotaging your livelihood because it'll look like a personal dispute between you and your ex. He will make it look that way. He will tamper with your work in ways you can't prove and won't even bother trying to complain about because complaining will make you look like a woman scorned. Do you see?
Also - I'm sure you know that the meanness you're seeing isn't all the meanness he has to offer. But you'll still be shocked when you find out just how bad it is. Do you have a cat? He'll probably hurt your cat. Never mind that all the other abusers in your life at least had the decency to worship your cat as much as you did - this guy is not like the others, he is horribly worse. If not in that way, then in some other way that you won't see coming until it's too late. Imagine the one thing above all else that you absolutely couldn't stand to have him do to you. He is going to do that. And then, as a crowning insult, he is going to tell you you liked it.
posted by tel3path at 9:55 AM on February 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't believe that all is fair in love and war, but I do believe that it's worthwhile to go to Extreme Lengths to keep yourself away from Mean People. Sure, you're a responsible adult, you have the power... but also do everything you can to make it impossible for yourself to give in to temptation.
posted by ldthomps at 6:02 PM on February 1, 2011 [6 favorites]