I am almost 20, gay and tired of being a virgin. Should I hook up online?

February 1, 2011 8:59 AM

I am almost 20, gay and tired of being a virgin. Should I hook up online?

So I'm gay and turning twenty soon, and I'm a virgin. I've never even kissed a guy. It sucks.

I grew up in an abusive, psychotic, extremely religious family. My parents controlled every detail of my life. I only left the house for school and barely had any friends growing up. Obviously, dating or hooking up was out of the question in high school. Despite all this, I've ended up normal, thank God.

I'm at college now and out to my friends. There aren't too many gay guys at my school, and the one guy I'm attracted to is more experienced than I am and kind of out of my league. Oh, I'm also incredibly afraid of opening up to people, thanks to my messed up childhood. I'm working on this in therapy, though. I'm surrounded all day by straight guys, some of whom are so hot that I can't stop thinking about them, which reminds me that I'm still a virgin, which makes my head spin.

Basically, I need to have sex. I am tired of being sexually frustrated. I'm not the most confident person in the world, but I have a nice body and am young, so finding a guy shouldn't be too hard. I don't see things working out with any guy at school, so I'm thinking of using an online hookup site (like Manhunt) to meet, maybe get to know and then have sex with, gasp, a stranger. I would do this in the summer when I'm at home, probably.

I've posted pics to sites like Manhunt before and have gotten replies. I've just been too afraid to respond back…until now. I have a car and can easily get away from my parents. Basically, I want to have sex with a guy or two this summer, get some experience and then maybe, if I'm more confident, approach the guy I like next fall. That's my plan.

This all sounds great in my mind, but typing it out makes it sound kind of scary for me. Yes, I will basically be cruising for sex online. I'm young and a bit vulnerable, so I have to be careful. I know I want to do this, but I'm a little nervous about how to get started. I'm going to try to find a guy who is in his twenties, late twenties at most. Should I advertise that I'm a virgin, or just say I'm inexperienced? Should I even tell the guy I'm a virgin? Would that make things awkward? How much information is too much to share?

Some basic things
-I will be having safe sex.
-I will use common sense and will only meet a guy who I feel comfortable with. I will meet in a public place. Preferably, I will meet a guy a few times before we have sex. Sex would be at his place, probably.
-I don't want STD's.
-I don't do drugs.

Any advice? I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this responsibly and be a smart adult about it. I'm afraid that if I don't try to do this online, I'll stay a virgin for a long time.

I made a throwaway e-mail: [e-mail].

Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I realize this is not your question, and feel free to flag if inappropriate, but this:

I grew up in an abusive, psychotic, extremely religious family. My parents controlled every detail of my life. I only left the house for school and barely had any friends growing up. Obviously, dating or hooking up was out of the question in high school. Despite all this, I've ended up normal, thank God.

Coupled with this:

I would do this in the summer when I'm at home, probably.

Says to me you need to focus on getting a job and making enough money to get out of your parents' house, away from the abusive, psychotic family. You can focus on the virginity thing when you're safe and on your own.
posted by phunniemee at 9:08 AM on February 1, 2011 [16 favorites]

Neither gay nor a man, but it sounds to me like an internet-facilitated hookup or two would be ideal for you. Just say you're "inexperienced." Congratulations on surviving your freaky family and good luck getting laid, you sound like a rad dude.
posted by milk white peacock at 9:11 AM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

NO NO NO, the first time you have sex has to be completely magical or you will REGRET IT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'm kidding. Sounds like you're taking sensible precautions. Here's my rule of thumb: don't have sex with any guy you wouldn't loan $200 to. It's an easy way to gauge your trust for a person, even when he's super hot and your cock is demanding you jump his bones immediately. Also, if you pick up a STD, that's about how much the doctor's visit will set you back.
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:11 AM on February 1, 2011 [16 favorites]

Everyone should have a bunch of sex, because it's totally fun. Seriously. It's really really fun. Here's some tips:

If you meet someone online, do it in public first. Also, if you're going to go to someone's house, have a friend you can call at a set time and say "Hey, he's cool, things are good." Make sure it's a good enough friend that they'll start worrying if they don't hear from you. Always hedge your bets.

Don't get too emotionally attached to whoever you hook up with. This is a leisure time activity you're sharing together, not a spiritual experience.

"Inexperienced" sounds good. Don't advertise your virginity. You might be skeeved out by guys who are into virgins. Or just sideline the whole question till afterwards. If you do something relatively low on the sex ladder for your first time (jerk off with another guy, for instance) you can slowly work your way up the ladder without anything being "your first time," as such.

Is there a gay bar anywhere near your hometown? Cruising in person is something of a lost art, but it might give you a bit of self-confidence when you realize how in demand you are. (And you're 20. You're totally in demand right now.)

Finally, to paraphrase Shit My Dad Says: Let guys decide why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. Maybe you should approach the guy at school you're into and ask him if he wants to fool around. Or go out sometime.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 9:22 AM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Would switching schools be an option? Here is a list of LGBT friendly schools.

I agree with phunniemee, by the way, that you should focus on not having to go home this summer- perhaps get a job (or four) and save up some money, and then you can spend all summer getting laid (perhaps by a new coworker?)
posted by jenlovesponies at 9:28 AM on February 1, 2011

I agree with Pickman's Next Top Model with his "Let guys decide why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. Maybe you should approach the guy at school you're into and ask him if he wants to fool around. Or go out sometime."

I think that M.O. might leave you feeling more empowered than the plan of "get some experience and then maybe, if I'm more confident, approach the guy I like next fall. "
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:29 AM on February 1, 2011

There are more gay people at your college than you think. Can you hang out with the one you like, and meet his (gay) friends? Can you go to some gay-themed events? I think you can meet more gay people at college or though your college friends than you have so far.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:30 AM on February 1, 2011

Yeah, the online internet sex hunt can definitely work out, but here's a few pointers, in no particular order:

• Plenty of people will reject you, and many won't even be remotely nice about it; don't take it personally, don't continue to engage people who reject you.
• Piggybacking on phunniemee's advice of getting away from the fam first, I see no reason why you should wait until you're at home this summer to start window-shopping for dick.
• You say you'd like to meet in a public place, always meet for coffee, never for a meal. If you two click, then go for a meal, you don't want to be stuck for 2 hours or more without an easy escape route--sure the pictures look fine and he can make small talk, but then you meet him in person, it's 2 PM and he's already got dick-breath so you're not even his first hook up of the day.
• Always bring your own rubbers, don't rely on him to have them.
• Practice putting condoms on before the hookup.
• Say that you're inexperienced, do not say you are a virgin. Announcing your virginity is going to attract a semi-creepy following of 'deflowerers,' and it's going to scare normal people away, because they hear 'virgin' and immediately think 'this guy is going to get emotionally attached right away.'
• On that note, don't get emotionally attached to your hookup. It's really just sex, if more comes from that naturally, fine; if not, don't try to force it.
• The two biggest turn-offs for anyone with whom you're flirting are desperation and lonliness.
• Preferably, I will meet a guy a few times before we have sex. A lot of the guys online will be more experienced than you, and will not want to wait. Keep that in mind while gauging your timelines, but don't rush into sex if you're not comfortable.
• Don't send people any dick pics that have your face in them. The #1 rule of nudes is that they WILL get out.
• Be upfront about the no drugs/safe sex only bit, you'll self-filter a lot of men out.
• Online sex is REALLY EASY to get, but the quantity can cost a lot of quality, some people that you hook up with are just going to be terrible, terrible, terrible in bed.

posted by coryinabox at 9:33 AM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

uh, this just sounds like dating. Basically, all people who are dating are hoping to get laid. So getting to know someone and making an informed decision as to if you do or don't want to let them touch your junk is in fact, dating.

"Hooking up" and "cruising for sex" suggests you would not be getting to know someone.
If you go on like ten first dates with the direct purpose of getting some sexy time, I would be totally shocked if you didn't see some action. I don't really get why you don't want to call it dating- or even why you don't want to do it right now.

So why not? Though I think it might be a better idea to avoid hook up sites, just because you are looking for something a little more time consuming then a quick meet up for a bj. There is nothing wrong or weird about casually dating some people (and having lots of good old safer sex) while you are hung up on someone else, or just not interested in creating a life long, soul fulfilling bond.

At twenty, I should hope you want to go ahead and have some freaking fun. I hope you make out with all kinds of boys in public.
posted by Blisterlips at 9:33 AM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

No, no, no, no, no, no. (Did I say 'No' enough times?)

1) 20 is not that old. Really. This isn't a race, and fortunately for you, you've got plenty of company with the same background as you.
2) Unless you're at BYU or a teeny-tiny college, your school has (far) more gay guys than you think, and some of them are (gasp) probably interested in you. Meeting them, on the other hand, can be a bit tricky, and does require some degree of confidence. It could help to figure out where the gays flock to, and figure out how to join those social circles. After going through college feeling ugly and unwanted, I had about 4 people confess that they were interested in me after graduation, 3 of which I also happened to have an interest in. Ohforchristsake. Remember that rejection ain't the worst thing in the world. Get up and try again.
3) OKCupid. You're far more likely to find an *actual* boyfriend here, and probably one who's close to your age. Find someone with some common interests, go out to dinner a few times, etc. It's gratifying to have your first time be with somebody who you actually care about. (Also, in this case they're more likely to be forgiving of the fact that you're inexperienced, and you'll be able to be *honest* with them about it.) It doesn't have to be "magical," but you also probably don't want it to be awful. Just Say No to creepy old dudes, and stay away from Manhunt. Those guys aren't interested in "meeting a few times" beforehand.
4) The odds of you picking up a creeper/serial-killer on Manhunt/Grindr are not trivial. Please be careful. (My doctor provided a rather graphic image when talking with me at my last physical: "Don't hook up online. You can have safe sex, and even if you do get HIV, we're pretty good at treating it these days. If he slits your throat in bed, I can't do much for that.")
5) Why are you waiting for the summer to pursue a relationship? Wouldn't you want to do this while being as far away from your family as possible?

I'm not saying that internet-facilitated hookups are all bad. However, in your case, I'd advise attempting to exhaust your other options first. And you do have lots of other options.
posted by schmod at 9:39 AM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Go for it. Be careful, be sensible, and don't be disheartened if it's not everything you hoped for right from the start. Online dating is exciting and fun, but it can also be lonely and isolating at its worst.
posted by londonmark at 9:40 AM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

- Don't have anal sex the first time you have sex. Stick to jacking off or oral. Indeed, stick to those for a good while, until you're a little more comfortable with sexy stuff and have more experience.

- Do not tell people you are a virgin.

- Why are you waiting until you're at home with your family?

- I pretty much took the same approach when I was 18 and felt like everyone was more experienced than me. I totally get why you feel the way you do and why you want to do this. Have fun!
posted by fugitivefromchaingang at 10:23 AM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am a hetero guy but I feel like my advice applies.

Your plan for hooking up online sounds fine. Be safe, follow all of the usual rules around meeting someone online, checking them out in person to make sure they arent a creep, and getting down to business. I agree that you should just say inexperienced rather than saying that you are a virgin. If you post your age and the fact that you have just recently come out, most dudes will probably assume that anyway.

Basically, I want to have sex with a guy or two this summer, get some experience and then maybe, if I'm more confident, approach the guy I like next fall. That's my plan.

This part of your post makes it sound like you are using these hookups as a means to an end rather than for the sake of having fun casual sex, which I would warn against. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at 19, I myself was a virgin until I was 27 and it was a lot easier for me as a straight guy. If what you really want is a normal loving relationship (with sex!) rather than no strings attached sex, you dont need experience, you just need to man up and put yourself out there. You have all of the same excuses as any other virgin post on AskMe (ignore the ones about cell phones), every virgin seems to somehow live in a school/city/town that doesnt have any attractive and single prospects. If there is a guy you like right now, forget waiting until the summer or any of that crap and go ask him out. Or go on OK Cupid or find a gay social group or do whatever else it makes sense to do. Yes you will have your first awkward sex session which everyone has and it will probably be with someone more experienced but being a virgin isnt like being a leper or anything and you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly. You just need to stop worrying so much and be confident, and you don't need to be devirginized to do that.
posted by Sexy, Sexy Anonymity at 10:30 AM on February 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

Preferably, I will meet a guy a few times before we have sex. Sex would be at his place, probably.

Yeeeaaah, this isn't going to work on a site like Manhunt. People cruising on Manhunt want some dick right now, if not sooner.

I'd try OkCupid. Make it clear in your profile, and in the messages you send out, that you're looking for something casual. Meet for a date or two, and then fuck them.
posted by Netzapper at 10:46 AM on February 1, 2011

It's not just you who is going through this. A good amount of us grow up in such surroundings in which this becomes a concern. I'm 19 and turning 20 in less than a week and I have almost the same story as you do.
posted by antgly at 10:53 AM on February 1, 2011

Right out the gate: Seconding phunniemee. I can understand your frustration (we've all been there) but I think a lot of the anxiety you're feeling about this would pass if you were in a different environment. I love my folks to death, but I knew growing up that they wouldn't take my coming out well (and sure enough they didn't). I was closeted until I was about 19, and I lost my virginity at 20. For me, losing my virginity was about more than craving sex and companionship (though it was those things too). It was a validation of my sexuality. It seemed like the most important thing in the world. But here's the thing: As much as it feels like it right now, losing your virginity is not a fix-all cure.

I lost mine doing pretty much exactly what you plan to do. I started talking with a guy online, met him, got busy with him, and then went home totally disillusioned. Nothing against the guy at all; he's interesting and sexy and I was glad that he liked me enough to want me. But the whole thing was very artificial and forced to me. And because we were meeting up ostensively to have sex, my lack of experience and clumsiness were magnified in ways that I think they wouldn't have been had there been some romance or emotional investment beforehand. As I left his house, I felt like I had had a long, awkward, unproductive day at work. And I felt very, very empty inside. All of that waiting and hoping for just *that*? Really?

I had wanted the magic, the flowers and butterflies to pop out of our asses, the trumpets to sound their fanfare, all of that stuff virgins think happens when you when you have sex for the first time. Me and this guy, we were just two people who chatted online a bit and had so-so sex within 5 minutes of meeting each other face-to-face. Not quite the outcome I was hoping for.

The point I'm getting at is that if I were you, I wouldn't rule out the possibility of waiting to find someone special. Don't feel like you're under any obligation to give some random guy a "test run" to prove something to yourself or the world. As others have said, 20 is not that old at all to still be a virgin. A lot of people will disagree with me on this, but I'm just enough of a sappy romantic to believe that losing your virginity can be an intensely spiritual and emotionally fulfilling experience. I deeply regret mine wasn't, I feel like it could have been, and if I could go back in time I probably would refrain for a little bit longer in the hope that it might have been that way.

Please don't take this as being some kind of fag variant of "save it for marriage." Just consider your long-term emotional well-being as you try to make sense of all of this. I know it's not something that's easy to do when you're in the thick of it.

Listen to schmod. Check out OKCupid; you'll find a lot better selection of real guys. Delete your account on Manhunt immediately; you don't want anything to do with the guys on there. And be very, very careful. Good luck.
posted by kryptondog at 11:20 AM on February 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Oh yeah, Life goes on. Long after the thrill of living is gone."

John Mellencamp had it right back in the 80's. :)

Seriously, 20 is way too young for concerns about never having a non-online opportunity. Don't let impatience be the reason for your first time. Same goes for misdirected anger at your repressive parents. Do it for better reasons like love, attraction, or passion.

When it comes to matters of the heart, analog rules over digital.
posted by cross_impact at 9:48 AM on February 2, 2011