Fix my life, move back to the city, or travel around the world?
January 31, 2011 4:22 PM   Subscribe

I live a sad, lonely, purposeless existence in a city that I'm not crazy about. Should I try to fix my life here, move back to the city that I loved, or quit my job and travel around the world for a year in the hopes of finding a mission in life?

I've never been a happy person. I was abused as a child and socially outcast as a teen. I dropped out of school and traveled around the country, doing drugs and hanging out with hippies. Eventually, I burnt out, put myself through college, and moved to New York City, where I built a successful career for myself as a software developer. I'm an atheist. I'm completely estranged from my family. I made a lot of friends in NYC, but ultimately withdrew from my social group because of some drama. Although I've had a fair amount of sex in my life, I've never been in a real relationship. I was unhappy with my last job in New York, and I was unhappy with my personal life, so about a year ago I moved to San Francisco.

Now I have what would appear to be a great job, working for a successful company. However, I'm not happy with it. Even though my work is somewhat high-profile, I rarely get to do anything interesting. I've tried interviewing for a couple positions within my company, but was turned down both times. I'll admit that I'm not very good at interviewing, and my (depressed) mental state may have had something to do with my failure. Although I've slept with a few girls since moving here, my romantic life has been a failure. I've made some friends, but I don't have a "group," and I spend many nights alone. I've been drinking heavily.

Worst of all, I feel like I have no mission in life. This didn't always bother me, but my mother died a few years ago (I didn't actually find out until a couple years after the fact), and I started thinking about a bunch of difficult shit that I hadn't thought of since I was 15 -- stuff like "What am I supposed to do with my life?" and "How can I give my life meaning?" In my youth, I had never found answers to these questions -- at a certain point, I just decided to put my head down and go to work. But now it's coming back to haunt me.

I'm aware that I could try to fix my life. I could do all the trite bullshit that people always recommend -- Get a hobby! Exercise more! Read this book! See a therapist! -- but at this point, I wonder if it's even worth it. For one thing, I don't particularly care for San Francisco. I lived in NYC for 7 years, and came to love it. I went back to visit recently, and didn't want to leave. Ultimately, I think I'm going to move back some day; it's the only place I've ever felt like home. However, regardless of where I live, there's still the question of *why*. I'm 32, and every year more of my friends are finding serious girlfriends, getting married, or having kids. And that's great for them. But honestly? I just don't see that as a mission in life -- at least not for me. Also, there's the fact that I'm pretty much completely dispirited at this point. I don't want to go on another job interview or another date; the whole idea fills me with dread. Although I'm nowhere near suicidal, every day I wonder how much more of this I can endure. Something has to change.

For a long time, I've had this "break glass in case of emergency" plan. Let's call it Plan B. Basically, travel around the world for a while and try to re-ignite my passion for living. Maybe I'll find a city to live in, where life is pleasant and costs are cheap, and I can finally work on some of the Internet businesses I've had ideas for all these years. Maybe I'll see the crushing poverty in the world and start to care about children or poor people and dedicate my life to charity. Maybe after a year or so I'll have had enough experience, and I'll be ready to move back to NYC and get back to the grind. But right now, I'm in a rut -- in every possible way -- and I wonder if this is my only way out.

I haven't talked about this with a lot of people, but when I have, most of the time they tell me I should do it -- that I should quit my job and travel around the world. Of course, it's really easy for them to say that. For one, most people live really boring lives, and they like the idea of living vicariously through someone else. Second, they don't have to deal with any of the negative consequences of things going wrong. And they could go very wrong! I could get kidnapped, catch AIDS, lose all my money to identity theft, or lose a limb. I could wind up a year from now, no closer to finding a mission in life, with $20-$30K less in my bank account, and one year closer to 35, which seems to be the age at which men are considered "past their sell-by date." Nobody thinks about these things when they tell you to "follow your dreams."

I would be leaving in 3 or 4 months, which is enough time to get my shit together. I may see a therapist in that time, if I can find one that I like. I could put all my stuff in storage and have a nice little life waiting for me when I get back. I have enough money saved to where I could easily spend a year backpacking around the world and have enough left over to restart my life when I move back to NYC. But would any of this actually help me?

And so I ask you, random person I (probably) don't know on the Internet. What should I do with my life?
posted by coelacanth! to Religion & Philosophy (25 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite
I vote for "Do it". If you don't, you'll always wonder what it would have been like, and you'll kick yourself for it.
posted by The otter lady at 4:27 PM on January 31, 2011

I know it sounds cliche, but this sounds like a "Wherever you go, there you are" kind of thing. You will still be you, no matter where you go. And your plan of traveling for a year just strikes me as being (potentially) really lonely. You are attempting to treat inner issues by focusing on your external circumstances, and while it's true that might jump start something, it seems wishful to me. Are you sure you're not just fantasizing about this trip because it's easier and more exciting than the the idea of staying in one place and focusing on your real problems?

You list "depression" in your tags, but you don't mention if you've ever been treated for depression. I think you should really, really look into it. Some of the persistent feelings you've described are the sorts of things that anti-depressants can help with, and meanwhile you're in a good stable spot from which to work on yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 4:29 PM on January 31, 2011 [25 favorites]

I moved to San Francisco, got a fancy job, looked successful, went out to fancy bars. It was fun for a while. Eventually I decided it wasn't where I wanted to be, and I moved back to the place I grew up. I'm happier here.

I can't tell you what you should do, but throwing yet more years of your life into a situation that isn't making you happy just hoping that it will magically change eventually is pretty much the worst application of the sunk cost fallacy. You only live once, stop wasting your years in a place you don't want to be.
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 4:30 PM on January 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

one year closer to 35, which seems to be the age at which men are considered "past their sell-by date."

Also, I really urge you to abandon this standard. Life for grownups is increasingly varied and complex, and the new population of 35-and-olders reflects that change.
posted by hermitosis at 4:34 PM on January 31, 2011 [8 favorites]

Do it! Even if you only travel for a couple of months, it's great to simply travel. Besides, you have the time, the money, the freedom and inclination right now - that might not always be the case. And 35? Don't give it a second thought. Good luck!
posted by marimeko at 4:35 PM on January 31, 2011

I also say go for it. I live in a beautiful part of the world -- one of those places where its natural beauty is the first thing everyone comments on when they they hear you live. It is one of those places so beautiful you're not really allowed to not like living there. I have a good, well paid job that provides me with a whole lot of freedom, comes with relative esteem, and should provide good prospects for the future. Truth is, though, most of the time I'd rather be somewhere else. Either somewhere else specifically, or just anywhere else.

So I say go -- especially if you've got enough that you can do it in some sort of style. Like you, I'm pondering how to find the thing I really want to do, rather than just having a job. I say you should go, in part because I'm hoping that when my turn comes, people will tell me the same thing.

So go.
posted by onetime dormouse at 4:49 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sure. Go on a vacation for a month or two to get some fresh perspective but don't bring the baggage of "finding yourself". 90% of travel involves dealing with very mundane inconveniences and if you're all by yourself, it's easy to feel depressed and F&FFH (fucked and far from home).

...2nd what hermitosis said.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:50 PM on January 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't think you should let the fears you listed hold you back from traveling around the world-- i.e. I could get kidnapped, catch AIDS, lose all my money to identity theft, or lose a limb. Those aren't likely. And traveling can be an amazing experience! But I also don't think you should expect a trip around the world to solve all of your problems. If it's something you're genuinely excited to do and you've always wanted to do, then do it! But if you're expecting it to be a magic solution, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment and/or a potentially stressful trip. A foreign culture is not necessarily the best place to work through life crisis issues-- in some cases it might be more isolating and stressful if you go when you're already in a bad place.
posted by geegollygosh at 4:53 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you want to travel the world, I suggest picking up Vagabonding. It details the philosophy behind the whole "travel the world" thing, things to keep in mind while on the road, and might just push you over the edge to do it.
posted by hellojed at 5:18 PM on January 31, 2011


I'm also a software developer in my late 30's also in NYC.

That's just what I was thinking of doing in a couple of months honestly.

Its not so crazy of an idea if you think you can get back into the job market after your hiatus.

Actually, before this job I did travel a bit on the other side of the pond and was kind of in your state of mind. Kind of down about life, looking for answers after a big breakup.

I had my massive drinking bouts, down and out days, etc.

I absorbed a LOT of media. Song after song, movie after movie, from different cultures, etc. Met new people.

One thing I learned is this: You simply can't know what you don't know so keep an open mind.

I've met people who traveled all over Europe and it didn't mean squat to them. They just wanted to go to the bars every night and that was their fun. Nothing about a country's culture was was absorbed and they didn't want to know about the locals and how they lived and it did not change them like hermitosis said. But its all about what you interpret when you are traveling.

I know that traveling definitely did change me. You may see things even the locals don't see because you come with a different perspective. Or you may be blind to what the locals see.

I had culture shock when I came back to NYC. Its great here but there is so much more out there with respect to how to live your life.

Just physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. At least that's what I felt in Istanbul. I'm not saying its better than NYC, just that there were some things more fulfilling.

That's why I want to go somewhere else now. As much as I like NYC, I feel like its not filling a void emotionally.

I feel like its easy to get 'sucked in' by NYC - the lights, camera, the action.

I went to a comedy show with a friend recently and it was real funny but I didn't feel good inside - I felt disconnected from the crass, foul-mouthed content. It left me thinking, is that all?

And to be honest, I find it hard to find classy, polite, humble women in NYC, even though they are attractive to me.

Personally, my goal is to find the right person to love and marry and have kids. That's what motivates me. Not the job title, or being in NYC or anywhere else.

If that's not in my cards, the next thing I'd rather do is build software that can help people. I don't know - cell phone software for people in Africa, working for the Bill Gates foundation, etc. ...

I don't agree with some people that life is just about having 'fun'. There has to something more.

Random thoughts are spewing out but you're welcome to msg me and chat some more.
posted by simpleton at 5:25 PM on January 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

get moving. but go on an adventure; don't run away from yourself or your life.

i would suggest talking to a therapist before you go ... a general "there's isn't anything wrong with SF that isn't wrong with you" kind of business. and you want to have as little baggage on your adventure as possible (emotionally and suitcase-ally). you don't want to get a month in and realize you're still depressed and completely cut off from anything/anyone you know.

fwiw, the trite bullshit works and eventually you are going to have to sort yourself out.
posted by crankyrogalsky at 5:34 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

It is vitally important that you go through with your plan to leave it all and travel, provided that you can logistically do it. You have defined it as an essential goal to having a happy life, and your internal narrative kind of defines what will make you happy.

You have to understand, though, that it won't actually change anything. You will still be you, your home nation will still be just the same as when you left it. There will be no magical transformation from "sad you" to "happy you". What it will do, however, is provide three positive items to your life: One, quitting your job and leaving your home will break down all the things you have convinced yourself are "holding you back" or "trapping you". This is psychologically important because change cannot occur while you believe that external and uncontrollable factors are holding you in place. Two, it will provide a number of new experiences from which to draw when deciding what actually makes you happy (sitting at home and drinking doesn't exactly provide for discovering anything except pale skin and a beer gut). Three, it's simply something that you can feel good about for the rest of your life.

Do it.
posted by Willie0248 at 5:45 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think you're question contains three good choices--"fix my life here, move back to the city that I loved, or travel around the world for a year." Those are three good possible options for improving your life, and one or some combination of two or three might be the best choice for you.

With all respect, there are so many factors that make it impossible for us to know which choice would be best for you.

But one thing is certainly NOT a good option for you: continue doing exactly what you are doing. You realize you are unhappy and have been an unhappy person for a long time. You need and deserve a change, and any of the three choices in your question sound like good options for positive change, growth, and renewal.
posted by shortyJBot at 5:55 PM on January 31, 2011

I strongly agree with hermitosis
posted by mpls2 at 5:56 PM on January 31, 2011

It sounds like you are financially stable, and probably have good savings. I recommend looking for a job in NYC, with a goal of returning there, and getting a really fabulous therapist as soon as possible. I don't think travel will give you a sense of mission or passion. You sound desolate, miserable, and profoundly depressed, and may have been depressed for quite a while. There are plenty of crappy therapists, but there are good ones, too. Look for a Ph.D Psychologist, or get really great references. Talk to a doctor about anti-depressant medication.

You can travel pretty far and wide pretty safely.

I grew up in really screwed-up family. I didn't even realize how very screwed-up it was for a long time. I've battled serious depression for many years. Bad therapists can do damage, and/or waste time. A good therapist can help you find your way. Travel's a lot of fun, but I think you need mission, purpose and mental health, leading to find someone wonderful to love.
posted by theora55 at 6:09 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think asking this question will almost always backfire on the asker: of course people will tell you to go, do it, don't waste your life, and all other responses you see above. It's because an idea of going on exciting traveling trip with the funds to do so sounds so appealing to anyone who has to work for a living and has obligations. But if you sit these people down and ask them: "would you exchange your humdrum life with your kids and your spouse and your job for an exciting trip, but with a life where you are not connected to anyone else?" Then their answer might be quite different.

You sound lonely and aimless. Putting yourself in a situation where everyone around is a stranger and the only aim is to take a train to a new place every three days will make you forget about feeling this way for awhile. But in the end, like hermitosis said, "there you are". If I were you, I would stop. I would turn towards people, and in small steps like social groups, therapy, volunteering, cooking dinners for friends would bring myself out of feeling "like I don't have a mission in life". In fact, my goal would be to get to the point where the thought of whether I do have "a mission in life" does not occur to me. Because my life is full and hectic enough without confusing thoughts. And THEN I would go and travel the world with a full happy heart, knowing that home is waiting for me. But I guess you would categorize this as "trite bullshit".

So - your concerns (AIDS, robbery, etc.) are unlikely as long as you educate yourself about the country where you are. If you travel you will have an interesting time, and it will distract you from the emptiness. But it won't solve the underlying issue - you might not be more happy "where life is pleasant and costs are cheap, and you can finally work on some Internet business". Cheap living and internet business don't answer "why", unfortunately...

I guess I'm saying "Go, but with your eyes open". Good luck.
posted by Shusha at 6:15 PM on January 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Traveling alone can be risky, not because of the reasons you mentioned (which I honestly think are incredibly unlikely) but because it can end up being pretty lonely. If you aren't the kind of person who naturally meets random people, you probably wont do it much traveling either. Sure there are hostels and the like, and you will meet people sometimes, but its really much better with someone to go with you. Not sure if that's a factor for you and maybe you would prefer being alone for all I know, but its worth mentioning. Also while I enjoyed long vacations I've had and absorbed a lot, I have personally never had any sort of "self-actualization" moment traveling. I've never seen it happen either. Sounds like movie bullshit to me. Honestly, the best reason you have for traveling is that if you end up between jobs its just a great time to do it since 2-3 month vacations from everything are rare to come by at your age.

It does sound like you should move back to New York, from the briefest information you have provided on your life. That said, peoples lives are what they make of them in the cities. You can make value judgments on cities all you want, and they can even be true, but the fact is that most large cities encompass all you could want, and that a person's enjoyment of life in a city is so dominated by the company you keep. I've had great and terrible lives in the same city depending on my friends, or lack there of. You could easily come back to New York to find your life just as unfulfilling as it is now.

You need to be in psychotherapy. You are essentially asking questions to the internet you could be asking to a therapist. You are in your 30s with a "great" (I assume well paying) job. You can afford therapy. This is what they do for a living.

So yeah, what hermitosis said I guess.
posted by tmthyrss at 6:28 PM on January 31, 2011

Depression leaps out at me as your problem. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's an existential crisis or something (although that normally happens when you're 24, not 34), but I just don't think a trip around the world is going to solve your problem. Pills and therapy, on the other hand... (and no that's not "trite bullshit").

I actually do think you should do this at some point -- if you still want to when you're in a better mental place. But right now, I don't think it will solve your problems, and I don't think you'll enjoy it like you should.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:03 PM on January 31, 2011

Travel and live other places. It's how I eventually "found myself." It took a lot. And I definitely did the trite therapy and meditation thing along the way ... I think you have to journey inside as well as out if you want this to work.

P.S. You will never be fully happy away from NYC. Sorry.

That said, what we miss about NYC is often a place in time, so what you miss could already be fading or altogether gone by the time you get back. If so, it's OK! Just keep going or start there again. There is no wrong answer. You'll be fine. Good luck!
posted by jbenben at 8:21 PM on January 31, 2011

I have the opportunity to travel now and I'm asking myself some of the same questions. What do I want to accomplish now? What memories do I want to make in the next few years? Am I ready to settle down? If so, where? Will I ever have another chance like this to travel? What do I want to happen next? And most importantly, do I have the will to make it happen?

Twice so far I've quit good paying jobs to travel around the world. Neither trip helped me with my questions about my purpose in life. Neither trip got me closer to finding a significant other. None of my problems got solved, and when I got back I struggled to re-acclimate to a more mundane life, and to re-start my career. Both times I had great experiences, but 'sad, lonely, purposeless existence' could have come right out of one of my travel journals on a down day. As someone up-thread quoted 'wherever you go, there you are.' And as you'll realize, there's very little purpose to your travels, there's no sense of 'mission', except what you ascribe to your own actions and destinations.

None of which is meant to dissuade you. Because thinking back on my own trips, I can't help put think of the things you might see and do if you go just a little off the beaten track, if you really do try to make it a voyage of discovery. I've climbed Kilimanjaro and rafted down the Great Zambezi. I've crawled through disused tunnels and shimmied up graffiti-inscribed rock chimneys in the ruins of Egypt. I've climbed along the rock-hewn roof tops of Petra and gone canyon running in Wadi Rum. I've trekked hundreds of miles in the countryside of England and New Zealand, and the mountains in Nepal, Peru, Tanzania, and Morocco. I've met a ton of wonderful people in 22 different countries around the world. And the scope of my travels is negligible --a tiny scribble across an incredibly complicated and diverse planet. It was a wonderful time. (These days I often use my stories to bore the living hell out of my teen-aged nephews. It's the gift that keeps on giving.)

As for myself, I keep coming back to that question: What do I want to happen next? And do I have the will to make it happen? I hope you'll let us know what you decide. I wish you well on whatever endeavor you decide to pursue.
posted by zueod at 9:20 PM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm coming a bit late to this thread, but here's my 2c worth.

Someone told me once that when you are in a situation you don't like, you always have exactly three choices (and only those three): fix it; tolerate it; leave. Clarified my thinking about certain facets of my (at that stage) not entirely satisfactory life.

As to people being past their sell-by date at 35, I call BS on it. I changed countries and jobs at the age of 55 (six years ago), and since have lived in two countries and had three jobs, all good ones. I have now, at the age of 61, been offered a new, very good job in yet another country. What makes the difference I don't know, but I suspect that one thing going for me is genuine enthusiasm for what I do. If you hate what you do for a living, it's hard to come across well as an interviewee.

I wouldn't go with trying to find a mission. My mission in life is to do the best job I can at what I do, support my family, and not leave the world worse than it was when I found it.
posted by Logophiliac at 12:20 AM on February 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Travelling is great and can broaden your perspective, but you don't actually sound like you want to do it. You may or may not get a lot out of travelling right now. This may be obvious to you and others have pointed it out, but you sound depressed. Working towards addressing this first would probably make any travelling you do later much more worthwhile.

When you're depressed, your brain is not processing things quite accurately. Stuff does seem pointless, you don't feel like doing anything, you might not know what to do, you might have a lot of trouble making decisions. If you start addressing this, everything might not seem as completely pointless as it does, which isn't to say that your life would have any more meaning, but you might not feel as hopeless and miserable about it.

I'm aware that I could try to fix my life. I could do all the trite bullshit that people always recommend -- Get a hobby! Exercise more! Read this book! See a therapist! -- but at this point, I wonder if it's even worth it.

The reason people suggest you do all those things is because it gets you out of a rut and puts you on track to functioning more "normally." Even if you aren't motivated to do something initially, once you start doing it you often then gain motivation. The book that was recommended to you but that you don't feel like reading? Just start reading it. If you enjoy it, you will want to keep reading it. The project you don't feel like doing? Start it anyway and as you progress on it you're likely to be more inclined to finish it. I'm not sure what exactly you want to achieve with your life, but if you just want to get through the days without being unhappy then finding things you enjoy doing are kind of key to this. If you're seeking deep, philosophical meaning it will be a bit more difficult, but you can still keep yourself happy day to day while you do that.

The one thing it does sound like you liked is New York, but you left because you were unhappy. Normally I would suggest taking action to go back there since you love it, but it sounds like your unhappiness with San Francisco goes beyond just the city you live in. I think your problem is more with yourself than any external circumstances. You already tried changing your environment and it doesn't seem to have worked. Might be time to work on looking at yourself. A therapist would probably help but I understand that finding a good one is tedious. It would be worth the effort, though, to get this worked out.

I'm 32, and every year more of my friends are finding serious girlfriends, getting married, or having kids. And that's great for them. But honestly? I just don't see that as a mission in life -- at least not for me. Also, there's the fact that I'm pretty much completely dispirited at this point. I don't want to go on another job interview or another date; the whole idea fills me with dread

You say you don't want a girlfriend/wife/kids. You also say this, though:

Although I've had a fair amount of sex in my life, I've never been in a real relationship.
Although I've slept with a few girls since moving here, my romantic life has been a failure. year closer to 35, which seems to be the age at which men are considered "past their sell-by date."

None of those above statements should matter if you aren't interested in a romantic relationship. It's not clear to me if you actually do not want a romantic relationship but still have a bit of programming regarding it being the expected norm, or if you do want a relationship but are just denying it. In either case, the attitudes aren't congruent and might be something you want to think about while trying to figure yourself out. You don't have to be any certain way.
posted by Polychrome at 3:40 AM on February 1, 2011

Response by poster: Hey all, thanks for the help. Obviously I didn't expect you to solve my problems; I was really just hoping for a different way of looking at the situation, and you've done that, so thank you.

Getting help before traveling or moving is sound advice. I get that I'd enjoy my journey more if I straightened some of my shit out first. So that's a good idea. Pills are not on the table -- things would have to get a HELL of a lot worse before I went in that direction -- but therapy is very much on the table. I've had terrible luck finding one in my life (I have some very specific problems that your general-purpose insurance-list-shrink doesn't really know how to deal with) but I had an appointment with one yesterday that went really well.

I can't imagine I'm going to be in SF come December. I feel bad saying that because it's not a bad city, but after NYC, it's hard for me to want to live anywhere else. That's actually one of the reasons I want to travel -- to see if there are other places in the world that I'd like more. I know the standard answer is "blah blah blah work on yourself, location doesn't matter" but that's just not true; I've lived a number of different places, and they've all affected me in very noticeable ways. Lots of people say that I need to spend more than a year in a place to learn how to appreciate it, but why spend more time in a place that I don't love?

As for relationship stuff -- yes, sure, I'd love to be in a romantic relationship. But as a mission in life? Doesn't feel right. I don't want to go on about this, because a lot of you probably are married and have kids and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.

Ultimately, I want to move back to NYC, but I don't want to go back as the person I am now -- it's all too likely that I'd fall back into the same patterns I was in when I lived there before. I'd like to get out in the world and experience some more, and have something to bring back with me in terms of experience.

So I think for now my plan will be stay in therapy, and then leave once I feel like I've made some serious progress w/ some of my issues. Whether NYC or the world, who is to say? But I'm leaning toward the world. If nothing else, it would be a whole lot of fun, and I think I would learn a lot. I deserve to have an experience like that; I've certainly suffered enough.

Thanks again!
posted by coelacanth! at 8:59 AM on February 1, 2011

My wife and I did it--quit our fairly high-paying jobs, sold our house, and took off indefinitely to see the world. No regrets. It was AMAZING (and sometimes tiring, frustrating, and lonely). We ended up coming back after a year and a half, because she had a great job offer, but we wouldn't have traded the travel experience for anything. (It is addictive though--we plan to do it again!)
posted by mkuhnell at 5:03 PM on February 1, 2011

Do it. I see you've been thinking about this for a long time. I wouldn't mind being in your shows career-wise and financially. I love Central/Eastern Europe, Mexico, and Argentina. I have a deep desire to live one of these places for a long time but I don't have such deep pockets nor am I a programmer. I'm working on getting into international teaching so that I have a chance at this but you can do it right now.
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