What's the right time to start LDR?
January 28, 2011 9:21 AM Subscribe
I met a lovely young lady at dinner with a mutual friend last week, and am pretty sure there were sparks flying.
The downside? She was only in town for vacation, and left the next day to head home to the coast.
The upside? She's moving to town at the end of May.
I got her contact information from our mutual friend, and the two of us have been chatting every day since then, making plans to hang out alone when she moves here, and watching netflix streaming movies together (via IM) in our respective domiciles. This is all flirty behavior, right? I have a history of misreading friendly interactions (in person and via email/etc) for flirtation, which leads to awkwardness and such when I ask them out. In fact, I'd probably ask her out right now, except for the distance. So I want to send her an email that bluntly states "I like you and would like to date you when you move here", but for some reason it seems like a really bad idea. (can't really say why, just seems that way) Is there a better way to handle this? Thanks. Throwaway email: longdistancecrush@gmail.com
I got her contact information from our mutual friend, and the two of us have been chatting every day since then, making plans to hang out alone when she moves here, and watching netflix streaming movies together (via IM) in our respective domiciles. This is all flirty behavior, right? I have a history of misreading friendly interactions (in person and via email/etc) for flirtation, which leads to awkwardness and such when I ask them out. In fact, I'd probably ask her out right now, except for the distance. So I want to send her an email that bluntly states "I like you and would like to date you when you move here", but for some reason it seems like a really bad idea. (can't really say why, just seems that way) Is there a better way to handle this? Thanks. Throwaway email: longdistancecrush@gmail.com
Email or send her a chat sort of thing, and say "Hey, listen -- I just wanted to ask if you maybe wanted to go out some night for dinner and drinks and whatever else once you're moved in. Maybe even call it a date, sort of thing. No pressure, no weirdness - I know you've got a lot to worry about with moving such a distance."
Include some sort of quiet assurance that nothing will be weird if she's not up for seeing you in that context, so she can back out gracefully if it comes to that.
But from what you say I have a feeling she won't.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:28 AM on January 28, 2011
Include some sort of quiet assurance that nothing will be weird if she's not up for seeing you in that context, so she can back out gracefully if it comes to that.
But from what you say I have a feeling she won't.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:28 AM on January 28, 2011
It sounds to me like you two are already long distance dating. Watching movies together on Netflix? Never heard of that being done by people who weren't in a couple. If I were you I would keep doing lots of things with her, talking frequently, etc. And make it clear that you are really excited for when she gets there. No need, at this point, to force the moment to a crisis.
Yeah, this, and then a couple of days after she arrives invite her out to show her your favourite local restaurant or bar or whatever.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:28 AM on January 28, 2011
Yeah, this, and then a couple of days after she arrives invite her out to show her your favourite local restaurant or bar or whatever.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:28 AM on January 28, 2011
Just remember that when she moves to your town, this will be a stressful time for her. She might pull away for a bit in order to have "space to settle" etc. Not saying that WILL happen, but it might, and it's worth it to be aware.
posted by noahv at 9:31 AM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by noahv at 9:31 AM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Actually yeah ignore what I said, BusyBusyBusy is right on. Keep it up.
It's nice to have something awesome to look forward to. Let yourselves look forward to it for a while.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:31 AM on January 28, 2011
It's nice to have something awesome to look forward to. Let yourselves look forward to it for a while.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:31 AM on January 28, 2011
You already have plans to hang out with her one-on-one when she gets there. Do so, and if you feel like you're having a good time and still have chemistry (the latter can be difficult to determine from one in-person interaction and lots of chatting), well, say "I like hanging out with you. Would you like to go to out to dinner/show/other activity that indicates more formal dating?"
posted by kagredon at 9:32 AM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by kagredon at 9:32 AM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
"awkwardness and such when I ask them out"
Asking people out is often awkward no matter the circumstances. But to answer your specific question, I don't think you should say anything about dating until she moves there. I do think you should give her some settling in time of about a week. Offer to take her out the second weekend she is in town. Keep up the flirtatious and friendly communication for now. It will be easier to read her in person (not foolproof but easier.)
posted by soelo at 9:37 AM on January 28, 2011
Asking people out is often awkward no matter the circumstances. But to answer your specific question, I don't think you should say anything about dating until she moves there. I do think you should give her some settling in time of about a week. Offer to take her out the second weekend she is in town. Keep up the flirtatious and friendly communication for now. It will be easier to read her in person (not foolproof but easier.)
posted by soelo at 9:37 AM on January 28, 2011
+1 for kagredon
When she moves, it will be stressful for her, so offer to show her the city or help her with some moving issues, including taking her to good restaurants and shows. This builds up enough trust and then when talking about meeting again tomorrow/next week/whenever (while coming from one), mention that you would like to date her sometime.
This keeps all the past meetings separate, in case she prefers or she could simply say, "I thought we were dating all along?". I am sure you can handle it from there.
Just don't appear too needy and make too quick a move (ask me about it!).
All the best.
posted by theobserver at 9:52 AM on January 28, 2011
When she moves, it will be stressful for her, so offer to show her the city or help her with some moving issues, including taking her to good restaurants and shows. This builds up enough trust and then when talking about meeting again tomorrow/next week/whenever (while coming from one), mention that you would like to date her sometime.
This keeps all the past meetings separate, in case she prefers or she could simply say, "I thought we were dating all along?". I am sure you can handle it from there.
Just don't appear too needy and make too quick a move (ask me about it!).
All the best.
posted by theobserver at 9:52 AM on January 28, 2011
I agree with others that all the behaviors you suggest sound very flirty. But it really seems like a good idea to me to make sure you and she are on the same page about why you're spending so much time talking, and what the context of the future hanging-out will be, in May. You said the two of you have already starting planning stuff to do for when she arrives -- why can't that planning involve settling whether it'd be friend-fun or romantic-fun? Why wait until you're already at the planned event to find out that, oh no, you've misread all her behavior and she doesn't want to date? If you're planning events now it'd be good to know now, wouldn't it?
You already know you like-like her, as opposed to just friend-like her. I don't see why it'd be a bad thing to let her know this, instead of continuing a situation where she might be misinterpreting your motives. Either you let her know now, and get rejected in the case you're misreading her.... Or, you continue becoming closer friends, talking regularly, and depending more on each other emotionally, only to then put yourself up for possible rejection at a point where said-rejection would be significantly more painful for everyone involved.
It doesn't have to be some awkward, "Let us agree, at this moment, that five months hence, we shall meet for a romantic meal!" Instead, it can be just an expression of how you feel. "Hey, you know, I wanted to point out that I really like you, and every day that we talk over IM, I get a little more happy that you'll be living in this town in May. I hope you feel the same." (I'll accept, someone else may be able to provide a better script.) If the reason you're communicating with her so much is that you want to start a romantic relationship with her once she moves, I think you owe it to her to let her know this. Put your cards on the table, I say.
posted by meese at 9:53 AM on January 28, 2011
You already know you like-like her, as opposed to just friend-like her. I don't see why it'd be a bad thing to let her know this, instead of continuing a situation where she might be misinterpreting your motives. Either you let her know now, and get rejected in the case you're misreading her.... Or, you continue becoming closer friends, talking regularly, and depending more on each other emotionally, only to then put yourself up for possible rejection at a point where said-rejection would be significantly more painful for everyone involved.
It doesn't have to be some awkward, "Let us agree, at this moment, that five months hence, we shall meet for a romantic meal!" Instead, it can be just an expression of how you feel. "Hey, you know, I wanted to point out that I really like you, and every day that we talk over IM, I get a little more happy that you'll be living in this town in May. I hope you feel the same." (I'll accept, someone else may be able to provide a better script.) If the reason you're communicating with her so much is that you want to start a romantic relationship with her once she moves, I think you owe it to her to let her know this. Put your cards on the table, I say.
posted by meese at 9:53 AM on January 28, 2011
Watching movies together on Netflix? Never heard of that being done by people who weren't in a couple.
Just anecdotally: my SO did a fair amount of this before we started dating, with people (sometimes of the opposite sex) he had no romantic interest in, and who never made any move on him of that nature. He's also done it a couple of times since we started seeing each other (usually when I'm out of town for some reason) and has never given me any cause to think he's being duplicitous about his intentions.
Which isn't to say that this lady isn't romantically interested in you, necessarily. I just wouldn't take the Netflix thing as rock solid evidence of said interest.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:27 AM on January 28, 2011
Just anecdotally: my SO did a fair amount of this before we started dating, with people (sometimes of the opposite sex) he had no romantic interest in, and who never made any move on him of that nature. He's also done it a couple of times since we started seeing each other (usually when I'm out of town for some reason) and has never given me any cause to think he's being duplicitous about his intentions.
Which isn't to say that this lady isn't romantically interested in you, necessarily. I just wouldn't take the Netflix thing as rock solid evidence of said interest.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 10:27 AM on January 28, 2011
I like making friends. When I get along with someone I am game for all kinds of things, especially if we have a mutual interest. But this doesn't mean I want to date them.
I would be careful about "marking your territory" behavior, like asking for dates four months in advance, or revealing that you like-like her, or whatever. It would feel (to me) like you were calling dibs and expecting her to be on hold for those four months. I would not like that. If I meet someone else I like better in that time and I have promised to go on a date with you ... awkward ... Either I break plans with you, which makes me look bad, or I have to put off this other person because of a promise I made months earlier, and risk turning them off. Or I am a coward and go on a date with you knowing I'm going to let you down. It would be weird. Don't do this.
Keep casual contact in these next months. Maybe once a week or two, check in, ask about how things are going. Keep yourself fresh in her mind, but don't try to learn everything about her and do weird pre-date bonding when she is at such a distance and you aren't dating. When the moving day approaches to a couple of weeks, see if she needs help. Let her have a little time to settle. Then ask her out, and use the bits of information you have gleaned from her along the way to make it special.
Basically, don't shoot yourself in the foot by going overboard with the "getting to know you" four months early. She may get the wrong impression since you aren't there in person. Wait for the opportune moment.
posted by griselda at 11:05 AM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would be careful about "marking your territory" behavior, like asking for dates four months in advance, or revealing that you like-like her, or whatever. It would feel (to me) like you were calling dibs and expecting her to be on hold for those four months. I would not like that. If I meet someone else I like better in that time and I have promised to go on a date with you ... awkward ... Either I break plans with you, which makes me look bad, or I have to put off this other person because of a promise I made months earlier, and risk turning them off. Or I am a coward and go on a date with you knowing I'm going to let you down. It would be weird. Don't do this.
Keep casual contact in these next months. Maybe once a week or two, check in, ask about how things are going. Keep yourself fresh in her mind, but don't try to learn everything about her and do weird pre-date bonding when she is at such a distance and you aren't dating. When the moving day approaches to a couple of weeks, see if she needs help. Let her have a little time to settle. Then ask her out, and use the bits of information you have gleaned from her along the way to make it special.
Basically, don't shoot yourself in the foot by going overboard with the "getting to know you" four months early. She may get the wrong impression since you aren't there in person. Wait for the opportune moment.
posted by griselda at 11:05 AM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't want to derail this topic (I agree with soleo), but how do people watch movies together over Netflix? Do you start them at the same time; what if it's a horror movie and the times are slightly off and someone spoils a scary part; do you type while you're watching, or wait until the end? (I'm just really curious; sounds like a fun thing to do with some of my far-away friends.)
posted by Kronur at 11:13 AM on January 28, 2011
posted by Kronur at 11:13 AM on January 28, 2011
I completely agree with griselda. Wait till she's in your town to try dating. Then, things can happen spontaneously and physically, rather than trying to lay groundwork over long-distance communications a few months in advance. Late May is not long from now. Till then, just be friends with whatever flirty undertones are going on.
posted by John Cohen at 11:19 AM on January 28, 2011
posted by John Cohen at 11:19 AM on January 28, 2011
It's also about doing what's best for the OP, too. Don't put yourself on hold for four months for a fantasy girl. You'll get invested in an idea of who she is that may not be true. Do what is best for yourself and wait. And keep looking in the meantime. If it works out, fantastic. If not, you haven't invested so much of yourself in this idea that letting go and moving on becomes a hardship. You don't want to be moping for weeks over a faux-breakup. Real breakups are bad enough.
posted by griselda at 11:37 AM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by griselda at 11:37 AM on January 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Kronur, you can do it through the Netflix app on the XBox360. It gives you the option to "watch as a party" (I think) with people you're friends with on XBoxLive.
posted by MsMolly at 1:04 PM on January 28, 2011
posted by MsMolly at 1:04 PM on January 28, 2011
I'd consider talking to the "mutual friend" who introduced us, and see if she has a "type" (that hopefully you fit) and see what they think about your interaction to date, assuming a certain level of discretion on their part. Assuming that pans out, offer to show her around town once she's ready. Be gracious and platonic unless she starts it, at least for the sake of your friends. (So you don't seem like an opportunistic cad.) After that, you can invite her for an actual and unmistakable date.
posted by Hylas at 2:28 PM on January 28, 2011
posted by Hylas at 2:28 PM on January 28, 2011
I wouldn't ask her out now because she's not there yet. What response do you want? "Yeah, let's talk when I move there"? "Yeah, let's be in a relationship." It just seems awkward. I would, however, ask her on a proper date when she does move there -- it sounds flirty to me (and even if it weren't you like her, so why not go for it?).
posted by J. Wilson at 5:50 PM on January 28, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 5:50 PM on January 28, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 9:25 AM on January 28, 2011 [3 favorites]