Not un-invited, just not invited
January 19, 2011 6:36 AM Subscribe
Etiquette Question: After much consideration my fiance and I have decided to have a super small wedding- parents and siblings (& their spouses) only. I know all of my family (Aunts, Uncles, & cousins) assume they will be invited to the wedding. It isn't that we don't want them there, we simply can not justify spending all that money when we want to save up to buy a home and start a family. I was thinking of sending everyone personal letters stating something to that effect. Would that be rude?
No one has been invited yet, everyone just assumes they will be and have been asking my parents about the wedding. I don't actually keep in touch with my Aunts and Uncles (except when I see them at weddings & funerals)- but all of my cousins have invited my parents & myself to their weddings in the past (my parents have always attended- I sometimes do) and no one has had a little wedding like this. Would it be better for me to call all of them and let them know? Let my parents handle it? Write them each personal cards? Not really sure how to handle this with everyone assuming they will be invited (like I said, no one has been- heck, we just set the date a couple of weeks ago). Thanks for the advice.
No one has been invited yet, everyone just assumes they will be and have been asking my parents about the wedding. I don't actually keep in touch with my Aunts and Uncles (except when I see them at weddings & funerals)- but all of my cousins have invited my parents & myself to their weddings in the past (my parents have always attended- I sometimes do) and no one has had a little wedding like this. Would it be better for me to call all of them and let them know? Let my parents handle it? Write them each personal cards? Not really sure how to handle this with everyone assuming they will be invited (like I said, no one has been- heck, we just set the date a couple of weeks ago). Thanks for the advice.
I know why you want to do this, but I think it will not work, because you're effectively sending out anti-invitations.
You've heard through the grapevine that they expect to attend, so you can use the grapevine to let them know that parents, siblings, and in-laws only will be there and you're absolutely gutwrenched by this.
posted by tel3path at 6:41 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
You've heard through the grapevine that they expect to attend, so you can use the grapevine to let them know that parents, siblings, and in-laws only will be there and you're absolutely gutwrenched by this.
posted by tel3path at 6:41 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Send out announcements after the wedding. No need to talk about it before.
posted by apartment dweller at 6:43 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by apartment dweller at 6:43 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding the subtle approach here - the grapevine works faster, better, and requires less of your energy.
You COULD also spread the word that, in lieu of fancy parties and expensive receptions, you could have an informal get-together to your liking. Make it a potluck if you want - the point here is to get everyone together in what's traditionally been a social event celebrated by many.
posted by chrisinseoul at 6:45 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
You COULD also spread the word that, in lieu of fancy parties and expensive receptions, you could have an informal get-together to your liking. Make it a potluck if you want - the point here is to get everyone together in what's traditionally been a social event celebrated by many.
posted by chrisinseoul at 6:45 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Offer to throw a "not a wedding" party for the whole gang once you're settled into a house? That's how it's usually worked in my ridiculously huge Catholic extended family, and nobody's ever been particularly offended. Even if any of my marriage-age relatives were loaded, I don't think they could find a reception hall big enough to fit everybody in it.
That said, if you're getting married in a church beforehand, you'd better be sure as hell to let everyone know that they're welcome at the ceremony (but by no means required to attend).
posted by schmod at 6:45 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
That said, if you're getting married in a church beforehand, you'd better be sure as hell to let everyone know that they're welcome at the ceremony (but by no means required to attend).
posted by schmod at 6:45 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Families vary widely, but my cousin had a very small, nuclear-family-only wedding a couple years ago. Everyone assumed that it would be a big to-do but they told the right people in the family and the grapevine did its work. Nobody was offended and nobody minded and the people who wanted to send gifts did it anyway.
posted by Mizu at 6:46 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Mizu at 6:46 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
As long as your immediate family is on board with your plan you have nothing to worry about - your parents will gladly help sort things out with everyone for you - you just need to make your wishes clear.
If they aren't on board, or anyone else feels put out, well, as my daddy told me...
It's YOUR wedding. The only people who really matter and you and your spouse and what the two of you want to do - whether it's go downtown and sign papers adn then go out for beers, or do a little ceremony because you think it will make your parents happy, or whatver..... but it's up to you.... you're getting married for you, not for them.
posted by TravellingDen at 6:49 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If they aren't on board, or anyone else feels put out, well, as my daddy told me...
It's YOUR wedding. The only people who really matter and you and your spouse and what the two of you want to do - whether it's go downtown and sign papers adn then go out for beers, or do a little ceremony because you think it will make your parents happy, or whatver..... but it's up to you.... you're getting married for you, not for them.
posted by TravellingDen at 6:49 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's actually fairly common to send out "anti-invitations" in Ecuador. When you're getting married in Ecuador you send "participaciones", which are basically notices that you will be getting married on such and such date. Some people will receive in the same envelope an invitation. If you got a notice and not an invitation, you're not invited.
I think that wouldn't work very well and would be hurtful in North America even if people did get it. And people in North America receiving a notice that you will be married on such and such a date and in such and such place would assume they were invited, even without the word "invited." So you'd have to spell out "you're not invited" and that would be hurtful.
So I think you have two options:
1. Announce your wedding at the last minute to your parents and siblings and invite them. After the wedding send out wedding announcements to everyone else. A nice little card or letter saying "we had a small wedding on this date." THis is what my aunt did when she got married.
2. Invite your whole family. Spend your money on a house and not a wedding: Have the wedding in your home and make it homemade, simple, and potluck. There's no reason you can't have a wedding for 50 people for the same as it would cost you to have a regular old (birthday, new year's etc.) party for 40. Say a couple of hundred dollars. This is what my cousin did when she got married.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:51 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think that wouldn't work very well and would be hurtful in North America even if people did get it. And people in North America receiving a notice that you will be married on such and such a date and in such and such place would assume they were invited, even without the word "invited." So you'd have to spell out "you're not invited" and that would be hurtful.
So I think you have two options:
1. Announce your wedding at the last minute to your parents and siblings and invite them. After the wedding send out wedding announcements to everyone else. A nice little card or letter saying "we had a small wedding on this date." THis is what my aunt did when she got married.
2. Invite your whole family. Spend your money on a house and not a wedding: Have the wedding in your home and make it homemade, simple, and potluck. There's no reason you can't have a wedding for 50 people for the same as it would cost you to have a regular old (birthday, new year's etc.) party for 40. Say a couple of hundred dollars. This is what my cousin did when she got married.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:51 AM on January 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Everyone lives out of state, so no one will be coming for the ceremony anyway. It would cost my family a fortune to come down here (we are in the south my extended family all live in New England).
I like the grapevine idea- less stress. I just didn't know if that was a cop out. My parents are 100% on board because it is our wedding. They don't mind telling everyone.
Are we supposed to send announcements? I feel like that is just asking for gifts- awkward... We are planning on going to see everyone some time after the wedding (we are in the south my extended family all live in New England) so we could do a potluck party when we go up there.
posted by MayNicholas at 6:55 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I like the grapevine idea- less stress. I just didn't know if that was a cop out. My parents are 100% on board because it is our wedding. They don't mind telling everyone.
Are we supposed to send announcements? I feel like that is just asking for gifts- awkward... We are planning on going to see everyone some time after the wedding (we are in the south my extended family all live in New England) so we could do a potluck party when we go up there.
posted by MayNicholas at 6:55 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: 2. Invite your whole family. Spend your money on a house and not a wedding: Have the wedding in your home and make it homemade, simple, and potluck. There's no reason you can't have a wedding for 50 people for the same as it would cost you to have a regular old (birthday, new year's etc.) party for 40. Say a couple of hundred dollars. This is what my cousin did when she got married.
We were going to do this, but the logistics became more than we wanted to deal with. Our rental home is too small for even 10 ppl to be in at once- with the tent/ table fees for the yard and back up plan if it rains... I don't want the stress of it on our wedding day.
posted by MayNicholas at 6:59 AM on January 19, 2011
We were going to do this, but the logistics became more than we wanted to deal with. Our rental home is too small for even 10 ppl to be in at once- with the tent/ table fees for the yard and back up plan if it rains... I don't want the stress of it on our wedding day.
posted by MayNicholas at 6:59 AM on January 19, 2011
How many people are you having at the wedding and how many people will not be on the list? What are your plans for the ceremony and reception? How much are you really saving by not having the additional head count?
At the end of it all you're the one paying for your special day. Will you look back and say "I wish we did invite everyone" or could relationships be severely harmed? Those are the 2 questions you need to answer and that'll be that.
posted by doorsfan at 7:02 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
At the end of it all you're the one paying for your special day. Will you look back and say "I wish we did invite everyone" or could relationships be severely harmed? Those are the 2 questions you need to answer and that'll be that.
posted by doorsfan at 7:02 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was thinking of sending everyone personal letters stating something to that effect. Would that be rude?
Yep - it's rude. Sending announcements after your wedding to your extended family who were not invited (since those who were invited would already know that you were getting married) should be done. If you're willing to send notice to folks that you moved and your address changed, why wouldn't you send notice that you are now married?
posted by Stynxno at 7:04 AM on January 19, 2011
Yep - it's rude. Sending announcements after your wedding to your extended family who were not invited (since those who were invited would already know that you were getting married) should be done. If you're willing to send notice to folks that you moved and your address changed, why wouldn't you send notice that you are now married?
posted by Stynxno at 7:04 AM on January 19, 2011
Hi. I got married last year with only my parents in attendance. My now-husband's mom + sisters/spouses were welcome to attend but elected to attend via Skype.
We let our parents spread the word and it was no big deal with the family.
My mother really really really really really wanted to send announcements (after the fact), so I let her. She initially wanted them to be from DH & me, but I thought that was gross and gift-asky, so she sent them with wording like "Mr. & Mrs. hansbrough's parents are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter hansbrough to mr. hansbrough." Some of my more traditional family/friends really appreciated being formally notified in that way. Other people didn't notice or care that they had received an announcement. So I would go by your impression of the importance to your family members of adhering to traditional elements of wedding etiquette. If they're into that, do announcements.
Feel free to memail me if you want to discuss more. Congratulations!
posted by hansbrough at 7:05 AM on January 19, 2011
We let our parents spread the word and it was no big deal with the family.
My mother really really really really really wanted to send announcements (after the fact), so I let her. She initially wanted them to be from DH & me, but I thought that was gross and gift-asky, so she sent them with wording like "Mr. & Mrs. hansbrough's parents are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter hansbrough to mr. hansbrough." Some of my more traditional family/friends really appreciated being formally notified in that way. Other people didn't notice or care that they had received an announcement. So I would go by your impression of the importance to your family members of adhering to traditional elements of wedding etiquette. If they're into that, do announcements.
Feel free to memail me if you want to discuss more. Congratulations!
posted by hansbrough at 7:05 AM on January 19, 2011
Response by poster: We will be having 10 people- a ceremony and then all go out to dinner after.
V.S.
50 ppl and a backyard bbq- tent and table rentals & feeding everyone. If it rains we would be screwed.
I will not regret not inviting everyone. Relationships will not be harmed. I just didn't know if I personally had to tell them we were having a tiny wedding or if my folks could tell them for us since they talk on the phone once a week.
posted by MayNicholas at 7:07 AM on January 19, 2011
V.S.
50 ppl and a backyard bbq- tent and table rentals & feeding everyone. If it rains we would be screwed.
I will not regret not inviting everyone. Relationships will not be harmed. I just didn't know if I personally had to tell them we were having a tiny wedding or if my folks could tell them for us since they talk on the phone once a week.
posted by MayNicholas at 7:07 AM on January 19, 2011
Announcements aren't asking for gifts. They're just announcements. A lot of people receive them and pitch a fit, but that's because they're projecting avarice onto the senders.
You don't have to send out announcements at all. You can - after the wedding. And probably should, because People Have A Right To Know.
posted by tel3path at 7:07 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't have to send out announcements at all. You can - after the wedding. And probably should, because People Have A Right To Know.
posted by tel3path at 7:07 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
You could phrase this as "We eloped" and send out an announcement afterward.
People get really bent out of shape about wedding etiquette. Excitingly upset. Weddings have become larger and larger and more and more expensive and have accrued enormous levels of drama. Have you talked to both your parents about how to go about talking to people? They may have better insights about how to deal with their siblings than you do. I know you say that they're on board, but they may have some practical suggestions on dealing with Great Aunt Ruthie.
I do think the idea of having a party later is good. By separating the wedding from the party, you have greater freedom on cost, location, time and so on. It could be a family reunion - think BBQ, outside, paper plates, warm summer day, potluck, no dressing up, kids can run around, ...
Good luck and congratulations!
posted by sciencegeek at 7:08 AM on January 19, 2011
People get really bent out of shape about wedding etiquette. Excitingly upset. Weddings have become larger and larger and more and more expensive and have accrued enormous levels of drama. Have you talked to both your parents about how to go about talking to people? They may have better insights about how to deal with their siblings than you do. I know you say that they're on board, but they may have some practical suggestions on dealing with Great Aunt Ruthie.
I do think the idea of having a party later is good. By separating the wedding from the party, you have greater freedom on cost, location, time and so on. It could be a family reunion - think BBQ, outside, paper plates, warm summer day, potluck, no dressing up, kids can run around, ...
Good luck and congratulations!
posted by sciencegeek at 7:08 AM on January 19, 2011
Response by poster: I do think the idea of having a party later is good. By separating the wedding from the party, you have greater freedom on cost, location, time and so on. It could be a family reunion - think BBQ, outside, paper plates, warm summer day, potluck, no dressing up, kids can run around, ...
Yeah, that was the plan for the reception originally, but it would be more fun anyway to take a trip up north later. I want to show him around. It was really the rain problem that I couldn't get around.
Wedding have indeed gotten out of hand. We realized that the only thing that matters to us is having a nice ceremony with our parents & siblings. The nice meal together after is just a nice bonus :)
posted by MayNicholas at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2011
Yeah, that was the plan for the reception originally, but it would be more fun anyway to take a trip up north later. I want to show him around. It was really the rain problem that I couldn't get around.
Wedding have indeed gotten out of hand. We realized that the only thing that matters to us is having a nice ceremony with our parents & siblings. The nice meal together after is just a nice bonus :)
posted by MayNicholas at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2011
No anti-invites in writing, as tel3path says. Enjoy your small wedding, send announcements afterwards, and feel no guilt!
But I can sympathize with family who want a party -- it's fun to hang with relatives for reasons OTHER than a funeral. If your family is mostly in one location, have you considered throwing a big informal party, maybe a few months after the wedding? Make it unconnected with the wedding itself: send out your announcements after your ceremony, and then, maybe a few weeks later, plan a party.
If you or a family member has a good party house/backyard, have it there, even have it modestly catered if you like, and the aunts & uncles & distant cousins can enjoy a clan get-together without the hassle of wedding attire and gifts and such. (Choose a non-wedding theme -- minor holidays like St Patrick's Day or Cinco de Mayo are good -- or just call it a "family reunion" and it will make it clear that you only want the pleasure of their company and aren't trolling for gifts.) In fact, my own extended family has parties like this about once a year....We fill each other's small houses and backyards with 50-60 people, and it's a blast.
posted by philokalia at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2011
But I can sympathize with family who want a party -- it's fun to hang with relatives for reasons OTHER than a funeral. If your family is mostly in one location, have you considered throwing a big informal party, maybe a few months after the wedding? Make it unconnected with the wedding itself: send out your announcements after your ceremony, and then, maybe a few weeks later, plan a party.
If you or a family member has a good party house/backyard, have it there, even have it modestly catered if you like, and the aunts & uncles & distant cousins can enjoy a clan get-together without the hassle of wedding attire and gifts and such. (Choose a non-wedding theme -- minor holidays like St Patrick's Day or Cinco de Mayo are good -- or just call it a "family reunion" and it will make it clear that you only want the pleasure of their company and aren't trolling for gifts.) In fact, my own extended family has parties like this about once a year....We fill each other's small houses and backyards with 50-60 people, and it's a blast.
posted by philokalia at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2011
(Sorry, shoulda previewed!)
posted by philokalia at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by philokalia at 7:17 AM on January 19, 2011
Yes, have your wedding, take pictures, then send out a nice announcement describing your beautiful day and your happiness, with photographs! Personally, I think going to weddings is a pain, but it's nice to see the pictures and hear about the highlights. And I always think it's a shame when that pall of awkwardness surrounds a wedding I'm not invited to -- the bride may just be an acquaintance, but it's always fun and exciting to hear about the wedding even if I'm not going. (And most likely I don't want to sit for three hours in an uncomfortable dress eating warmed over chicken and asparagus anyway.)
posted by yarly at 7:26 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by yarly at 7:26 AM on January 19, 2011
Yes, have the parents put the information out, and:
"Are we supposed to send announcements? I feel like that is just asking for gifts- awkward..."
Send them. Some of your relatives will be like me and like to save every family wedding invite/wedding announcement/baby announcement/graduation announcement/etc. Personally, I never feel obligated to send a gift; I feel grateful that people thought to remember me with a nice announcement. And presumably your parent-grapevine can handle any gifty questions too.
When my great-aunt died in her early 80s, we found a box full of every family wedding invitation/announcement, baby announcement, college grad announcement, etc., dating back to the 1930s. It was an enormous treasure. This is what started me being so diligent about saving them.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:27 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Are we supposed to send announcements? I feel like that is just asking for gifts- awkward..."
Send them. Some of your relatives will be like me and like to save every family wedding invite/wedding announcement/baby announcement/graduation announcement/etc. Personally, I never feel obligated to send a gift; I feel grateful that people thought to remember me with a nice announcement. And presumably your parent-grapevine can handle any gifty questions too.
When my great-aunt died in her early 80s, we found a box full of every family wedding invitation/announcement, baby announcement, college grad announcement, etc., dating back to the 1930s. It was an enormous treasure. This is what started me being so diligent about saving them.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:27 AM on January 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I think going to weddings is a pain too! Out of town ones are even worse because they end up being so expensive! I too, like to look at the pictures and hear the stories. It is just as good.
I will let my parents handle the telling and send out the announcements after. I will start an online album that the family can view as well.
Glad I got all this great advice! Thank you everyone!
posted by MayNicholas at 7:37 AM on January 19, 2011
I will let my parents handle the telling and send out the announcements after. I will start an online album that the family can view as well.
Glad I got all this great advice! Thank you everyone!
posted by MayNicholas at 7:37 AM on January 19, 2011
Congratulations! You're going to have a great wedding!
My cousin was in a very similar situation. Here is what ended up working beautifully for her-
Small wedding, very intimate dinner after. 14 people.
A couple months after, a potluck at the park for friends, colleagues and extended family who live in town.
Also a couple months later, a backyard party at a relative's home back in Cali where she was from. They spent around $200, but it was super fun. Rented a dance floor, had fun food and everyone stayed up late chatting and laughing.
I think what made it work well was that they didn't apologize or make anyone feel like the parties were a gift grab or somehow a consolation party because they weren't invited to the 'real thing'. These parties were the real thing! Also, she got lots of fun presents, we got to watch them open stuff. They did a slide show of photos from the ceremony day.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 7:44 AM on January 19, 2011
My cousin was in a very similar situation. Here is what ended up working beautifully for her-
Small wedding, very intimate dinner after. 14 people.
A couple months after, a potluck at the park for friends, colleagues and extended family who live in town.
Also a couple months later, a backyard party at a relative's home back in Cali where she was from. They spent around $200, but it was super fun. Rented a dance floor, had fun food and everyone stayed up late chatting and laughing.
I think what made it work well was that they didn't apologize or make anyone feel like the parties were a gift grab or somehow a consolation party because they weren't invited to the 'real thing'. These parties were the real thing! Also, she got lots of fun presents, we got to watch them open stuff. They did a slide show of photos from the ceremony day.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 7:44 AM on January 19, 2011
I like the "frame it as 'we eloped!' " advice. It sounds more spontaneous.
I have aunts who still think of me as their first baby (I was born before their own kids, and they were very involved with my care). I'm not very close to them now, but if they found out that I'd planned my wedding and deliberately excluded them for whatever reason, they'd be heartbroken.
Especially if it was just a cost issue - they probably would offer to chip in if it meant that they could be involved in my special day.
posted by cadge at 7:46 AM on January 19, 2011
I have aunts who still think of me as their first baby (I was born before their own kids, and they were very involved with my care). I'm not very close to them now, but if they found out that I'd planned my wedding and deliberately excluded them for whatever reason, they'd be heartbroken.
Especially if it was just a cost issue - they probably would offer to chip in if it meant that they could be involved in my special day.
posted by cadge at 7:46 AM on January 19, 2011
We will be having 10 people- a ceremony and then all go out to dinner after.
V.S.
50 ppl and a backyard bbq- tent and table rentals & feeding everyone. If it rains we would be screwed.
I will not regret not inviting everyone. Relationships will not be harmed. I just didn't know if I personally had to tell them we were having a tiny wedding or if my folks could tell them for us since they talk on the phone once a week.
For what it's worth, we did the second one, almost to the letter--50 people in my mom's backyard, got some cheap Turkish food catered, bought a tent for $200 off Amazon. There was some stress, but not very much, and it was really, really fun.
However, once in a blue moon we run into a relative or two who got an announcement and not an invite, and they say something sulky. Including, say, my aunt from Australia who I hadn't seen since I was ten. You'd be surprised by how petulant people can get about these things--and how far people are willing to say they'd travel!
I'd expect some hurt feelings, not because you're going to do anything to hurt them, but because that's how people are. Just do your best--send out announcements (it's what Miss Manners would tell you to do), and give a ring to the people you're really close with.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:50 AM on January 19, 2011
V.S.
50 ppl and a backyard bbq- tent and table rentals & feeding everyone. If it rains we would be screwed.
I will not regret not inviting everyone. Relationships will not be harmed. I just didn't know if I personally had to tell them we were having a tiny wedding or if my folks could tell them for us since they talk on the phone once a week.
For what it's worth, we did the second one, almost to the letter--50 people in my mom's backyard, got some cheap Turkish food catered, bought a tent for $200 off Amazon. There was some stress, but not very much, and it was really, really fun.
However, once in a blue moon we run into a relative or two who got an announcement and not an invite, and they say something sulky. Including, say, my aunt from Australia who I hadn't seen since I was ten. You'd be surprised by how petulant people can get about these things--and how far people are willing to say they'd travel!
I'd expect some hurt feelings, not because you're going to do anything to hurt them, but because that's how people are. Just do your best--send out announcements (it's what Miss Manners would tell you to do), and give a ring to the people you're really close with.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:50 AM on January 19, 2011
You're doing just fine. Let Mom & Dad field the extended family stuff and send out announcements afterward. By sending out announcements you aren't excluding anybody and no feelings can get hurt. Make no mention of gifts or where you're registered and you'll be completely good. People who want to send gifts will and those who don't won't.
Congratulations and good for you! I bowed to the pressure to have a huge wedding and I wish I'd just done what you did. The most important thing is the marriage, not the wedding. You guys seem to be starting your new life the best way possible.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:04 AM on January 19, 2011
Congratulations and good for you! I bowed to the pressure to have a huge wedding and I wish I'd just done what you did. The most important thing is the marriage, not the wedding. You guys seem to be starting your new life the best way possible.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:04 AM on January 19, 2011
To amend my previous post: Do send out announcements! I'd personally be a bit miffed if I didn't get one, even if I wasn't invited to anything, especially since the family gossip grapevine doesn't always make it to me.
If you're up to it, handwritten/personalized announcements might be better than an actual wedding invite in some cases. It says "We really do care, but we're really just inviting our immediate families; nothing personal!"
posted by schmod at 8:30 AM on January 19, 2011
If you're up to it, handwritten/personalized announcements might be better than an actual wedding invite in some cases. It says "We really do care, but we're really just inviting our immediate families; nothing personal!"
posted by schmod at 8:30 AM on January 19, 2011
I support the idea of having your parents tell everyone who asks about the wedding that it's a little thing with only 10 people going to the ceremony. You might even write out for them what kind of things you'd like them to say so your mom doesn't start quoting you on comments like "gawd, stale cake for 200 people is such a laughable idea of a good time!" Not a script, or a press release, just a note saying "thanks for helping out with soothing the relatives, I'd hate for people to be upset over what is totally the right decision for us. [a couple paragraphs of nothing too harsh, talk about your plans for post-wedding and how awesome it'll be, talk about your plans for the ceremony and how sweet and simple it will be, don't be too pragmatic (saving for a baby is more important than feeding aunties buffet chicken) and logical (they wouldn't want to fly out anyway) or too mushy (if only there were a way to make this all work, my aunties mean the world to me!).]
And then when it's all done and you're married, you send out announcements.
However, if you've got close family relationships as opposed to a more formal/extensive "and don't forget Stella, your great-aunt's daughter you met when you were 7" you don't have to take the announcements super-seriously. It's up to you and your understanding of them, if they'd rather have a cream-colored velvety thick paper embossed with names and dates and flowers, or if they'd rather have a personal letter telling them about the wedding: A beautiful but less posh announcement card, a few photos (snapshots, even!) of the happy couple and you+whichever parents they're related to, and a handwritten note.
Things to say: we're so excited/pleased to be married and living in our new apartment, it was such a beautiful day/ceremony, it was exactly what we wanted, I hope we'll be able to see you soon, mention that you're hoping to hold a potluck party this fall (although this is just a friendly letter, not the invitation to that, don't mention it unless you're sure it'll happen and sure they'll be invited), new husband/wife is delighted to be officially part of the family, etc. Like what you'd put in an annual Christmas card letter if the whole year were just the month you got married.
Avoid reference to people not being there, such as: I wish we could have had a bigger ceremony, I'm sorry we chose a venue so far away from you, I wish you could have been there, a good thing you missed (disaster story), you would have loved X, explicit mention of the one person non-nuclear family who you invited, etc. Also explicit reference to money or gifts, not only are they not expected to get you anything, but even if they gave you a KitchenAid that's a separate thank-you note, and things like "the new apartment kitchen is gorgeous but the cabinets are hardly big enough for our new influx of married-people appliances!" rub in the fact that there was a traditional party with traditional gifts from a lot of people, and the only thing untraditional was excluding your dear aunties.
posted by aimedwander at 8:37 AM on January 19, 2011
And then when it's all done and you're married, you send out announcements.
However, if you've got close family relationships as opposed to a more formal/extensive "and don't forget Stella, your great-aunt's daughter you met when you were 7" you don't have to take the announcements super-seriously. It's up to you and your understanding of them, if they'd rather have a cream-colored velvety thick paper embossed with names and dates and flowers, or if they'd rather have a personal letter telling them about the wedding: A beautiful but less posh announcement card, a few photos (snapshots, even!) of the happy couple and you+whichever parents they're related to, and a handwritten note.
Things to say: we're so excited/pleased to be married and living in our new apartment, it was such a beautiful day/ceremony, it was exactly what we wanted, I hope we'll be able to see you soon, mention that you're hoping to hold a potluck party this fall (although this is just a friendly letter, not the invitation to that, don't mention it unless you're sure it'll happen and sure they'll be invited), new husband/wife is delighted to be officially part of the family, etc. Like what you'd put in an annual Christmas card letter if the whole year were just the month you got married.
Avoid reference to people not being there, such as: I wish we could have had a bigger ceremony, I'm sorry we chose a venue so far away from you, I wish you could have been there, a good thing you missed (disaster story), you would have loved X, explicit mention of the one person non-nuclear family who you invited, etc. Also explicit reference to money or gifts, not only are they not expected to get you anything, but even if they gave you a KitchenAid that's a separate thank-you note, and things like "the new apartment kitchen is gorgeous but the cabinets are hardly big enough for our new influx of married-people appliances!" rub in the fact that there was a traditional party with traditional gifts from a lot of people, and the only thing untraditional was excluding your dear aunties.
posted by aimedwander at 8:37 AM on January 19, 2011
I don't think a considerate well-phrased version of "we didn't invite you to the wedding because we would, in the near future, like to invite you to our home" would seem rude at all. Go for it.
posted by DisreputableDog at 8:47 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by DisreputableDog at 8:47 AM on January 19, 2011
I'm not sure "we eloped" is quite right because, if other members of your family were there, you didn't sneak off by moonlight to marry in secret. You were just keeping a secret from them... except for the part where they knew about it in advance.
Just let it be known that you're having a super-small microwedding, which you have every right to choose.
posted by tel3path at 9:28 AM on January 19, 2011
Just let it be known that you're having a super-small microwedding, which you have every right to choose.
posted by tel3path at 9:28 AM on January 19, 2011
Yes, I'm seconding the idea that it sounds like you are eloping. The ten people are just your witnesses plus their spouses. Right? So don't mention the date to your extended family, just send annoucements afterward saying that you eloped. As for feeling like sending annoucements is gift-begging, just don't register anywhere. If I were your relative, I'd only be offended if you eloped and then I went online and found you had a huge gift registry.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:31 AM on January 19, 2011
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:31 AM on January 19, 2011
It's not at all unusual for people (at least, people I know in the US, CAN, and the UK) to say "We eloped" when their weddings included only their immediate family. That really is the right answer, in my book.
Agree with Knowyournuts that "eloping" and "having a big old gift registry" are a bit cognitively dissonant.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:45 AM on January 19, 2011
Agree with Knowyournuts that "eloping" and "having a big old gift registry" are a bit cognitively dissonant.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:45 AM on January 19, 2011
Response by poster: For the record: We do not plan to register anywhere so no worries about that!
But really? Eloping? How can we say that when we are having the ceremony in a church? Can you say you are formally eloping? I don't even know how that would work.
However, I do think it is a great soft line for my parents to use when the Aunties & Uncles ask. A few jokes about us being crazy and then describe the real scenario. Might just work out perfectly!
posted by MayNicholas at 1:25 PM on January 19, 2011
But really? Eloping? How can we say that when we are having the ceremony in a church? Can you say you are formally eloping? I don't even know how that would work.
However, I do think it is a great soft line for my parents to use when the Aunties & Uncles ask. A few jokes about us being crazy and then describe the real scenario. Might just work out perfectly!
posted by MayNicholas at 1:25 PM on January 19, 2011
my sister and her husband threw the exact same type of wedding for the exact reasons. No one in the family ever made any comment about their decision. And now my sister and her husband have a beautiful home.....their sacrifice was worth the payoff, and we all get to celebrate now. As for what to say, say, more or less, what you just wrote in your question.
Congratulations!
posted by k8inhawaii at 5:09 PM on January 19, 2011
Congratulations!
posted by k8inhawaii at 5:09 PM on January 19, 2011
"Eloping" means "not having a big wedding with guests" in common US usage these days. Seriously. Don't be too much of a stickler--using the word gets the point across.
And yeah, if your parents can say "They wanted to run away and do a JP, and we were only able to bargain them down to a church and just us" that will certainly soften the blow for the extended family.
Congratulations!
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:23 PM on January 19, 2011
And yeah, if your parents can say "They wanted to run away and do a JP, and we were only able to bargain them down to a church and just us" that will certainly soften the blow for the extended family.
Congratulations!
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:23 PM on January 19, 2011
We got married in June of this past year with only the following people in attendance: my mother, brother, and grandmother; his parents and sister. My father had passed away about a month prior; my father's wife was not invited to the ceremony.
We happen to live across the country from my family, but were in California for my dad's memorial service. We chose to have the ceremony the day after his service so that it would be easier for my ill mother and elderly grandmother to attend. His family flew out specifically for the wedding, but this also allowed them to be present for the memorial for my dad (which they otherwise certainly wouldn't have attended).
We held a dinner celebration just after the ceremony and invited about 20 local friends and family members who lived in the same general area (as in, within 4 hours; California is a big state). However, we made it very clear that the ceremony was private. Most of my friends who live in California had no problem showing up for just the dinner and not the ceremony. Some of my family members were hurt and said they couldn't make the drive just for a dinner, but I think they all got over it soon enough.
The day after we were married, we sent out announcements and invitations to a party in late August that was being thrown for us by lovely friends. Our announcement basically said, "DuckGirl and DuckBoy were married in a private ceremony on June 27. Please celebrate with us on August 21."
We invited all the people who might have been invited to a traditional wedding, knowing full well not all of them would come. I really think we did the best we could at balancing our wants and the expectations of others.
As others have said, it's ultimately up to you and your future husband. But it gets really difficult really fast when you start trying to weigh what other people want or would choose for themselves - I think that's why so many people elope.
FWIW, I still wouldn't have done it any other way. We had a beautiful, simple, intimate ceremony. Those who really cared about celebrating with us, did - and those who were hurt explained why, and I think that gave us a greater insight into relationships with them.
Enjoy your special day - ideally you'll only have one like this!
posted by DuckGirl at 6:09 PM on January 19, 2011
We happen to live across the country from my family, but were in California for my dad's memorial service. We chose to have the ceremony the day after his service so that it would be easier for my ill mother and elderly grandmother to attend. His family flew out specifically for the wedding, but this also allowed them to be present for the memorial for my dad (which they otherwise certainly wouldn't have attended).
We held a dinner celebration just after the ceremony and invited about 20 local friends and family members who lived in the same general area (as in, within 4 hours; California is a big state). However, we made it very clear that the ceremony was private. Most of my friends who live in California had no problem showing up for just the dinner and not the ceremony. Some of my family members were hurt and said they couldn't make the drive just for a dinner, but I think they all got over it soon enough.
The day after we were married, we sent out announcements and invitations to a party in late August that was being thrown for us by lovely friends. Our announcement basically said, "DuckGirl and DuckBoy were married in a private ceremony on June 27. Please celebrate with us on August 21."
We invited all the people who might have been invited to a traditional wedding, knowing full well not all of them would come. I really think we did the best we could at balancing our wants and the expectations of others.
As others have said, it's ultimately up to you and your future husband. But it gets really difficult really fast when you start trying to weigh what other people want or would choose for themselves - I think that's why so many people elope.
FWIW, I still wouldn't have done it any other way. We had a beautiful, simple, intimate ceremony. Those who really cared about celebrating with us, did - and those who were hurt explained why, and I think that gave us a greater insight into relationships with them.
Enjoy your special day - ideally you'll only have one like this!
posted by DuckGirl at 6:09 PM on January 19, 2011
You don't need to write, and you don't need to apologise, because you're not doing anything wrong. As the date gets closer, people will ask, whether directly or through the grapevine, and the only thing they need to hear is that you're having a ceremony (not a 'small ceremony') with immediate family (not 'immediate family only').
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:46 PM on January 19, 2011
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:46 PM on January 19, 2011
If it helps, I refer to my wedding (and did at the time) as a "micro" or "mini" wedding. I sometimes called it a pseudo-elopement, but I think "elopement" implies that no one (including parents) knows about it until after the fact, which wasn't accurate for me and isn't accurate for you.
In terms of gifts and announcements and registries and all that, some people will buy you gifts if they want to do so and some people won't. It doesn't seem to matter whether they get an announcement or not, nor does it seem to matter whether you have a registry or not. People will do whatever they want and you can't do anything about it. :)
posted by hansbrough at 7:58 AM on January 20, 2011
In terms of gifts and announcements and registries and all that, some people will buy you gifts if they want to do so and some people won't. It doesn't seem to matter whether they get an announcement or not, nor does it seem to matter whether you have a registry or not. People will do whatever they want and you can't do anything about it. :)
posted by hansbrough at 7:58 AM on January 20, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
My partner and I had an immediate family and best friends only ceremony in November 2010. For the most part, I let my parents answer questions from the extended family. It ended up not being a big deal.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:40 AM on January 19, 2011