Food and sex
January 13, 2011 7:14 AM   Subscribe

I need to make a (sexy) mess in a hotel room. How do I go about it? (NSFW)

Posting for a friend:

Messy food-related sexytime in a hotel...rolling around in whipped cream, etc. I can't do this at home, for various reasons. I don't want to get charged extra or annoy the staff. What should I do?

Can I make a mess on the sheets without being charged? Should I bring trash bags to cover the floor?

Would a higher-end hotel be better because they have better service? Or a lower-end hotel because they won't care?
posted by 3491again to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (23 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Just IMHO, don't do anything you can't clean up yourself. Ugh.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:16 AM on January 13, 2011 [12 favorites]


I agree with roomthreeseventeen. Do what you want but make sure you can clean it up yourself.
posted by amro at 7:21 AM on January 13, 2011


Psht. Hire a dungeon or a sex club. they have rooms for this, covered with cleanable surfaces! wet and messy is what you're looking to google. Don't involve innocent people in your kinks, jesus!
posted by By The Grace of God at 7:21 AM on January 13, 2011 [9 favorites]


buy some cheap sheets and then throw them out...
posted by fozzie33 at 7:22 AM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Plastic dropcloth from a hardware store that you'd use for painting. It's cheap, so get enough to cover the entire room. When you're done, just roll it up into a big ball and everything is clean.

Protip: Also get a cheap sheet set to go on the bed over the plastic, so it won't feel so weird if you end up sleeping without cleaning up. Again, when you're done, roll it all up and throw it out.

Bonus: You'll feel a little like Dexter in his killroom.
posted by InsanePenguin at 7:25 AM on January 13, 2011 [19 favorites]


You can actually just get a waterproof mattress pad that you can put on the mattress over the regular sheets, but that won't really feel like you're rolling around on plastic. They're $20 or less, and you can just throw it away when you're done.
posted by scarykarrey at 7:29 AM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Do you really want someone to have to clean this stuff up after you? Even if they aren't aware of sploshing, it's going to be a massive pain in the arse to clean. Can you get a room without carpet?
posted by mippy at 7:30 AM on January 13, 2011


Plastic bed cover, plastic over the rugs and a $50.00 tip.
posted by bondcliff at 7:32 AM on January 13, 2011


Plastic sheeting is great stuff. It works for Dexter!
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:35 AM on January 13, 2011


Also: take your own sheets.
posted by mippy at 7:40 AM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yea, bring your own stuff, clean up after yourself.
posted by londonmark at 8:33 AM on January 13, 2011


Lot of room service menus at W Hotels include package that comes with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, extra set of sheets, etc. for this exact purpose. Not sure if it is universal across all of their Hotels, but call concierge's desk if you have one near you.
posted by zeikka at 8:47 AM on January 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


I stay in hotels a lot for both business and leisure. Frankly, I don't think it matters whether or not your mess is sex-related. You're going to annoy the housekeeping staff with a huge mess whether it's from a drunken vomit episode after a Vegas bachelor party, explosive diarrhea caused by food poisoning, or just a late-night brainstorming session among work colleagues creating loads of dirty glasses, food plates, and wads of discarded paper from the ideas you scrapped.

In other words, a mess is a mess as far as the maids are concerned, and your kink doesn't really factor into it. I suspect that whatever you can do to that room still won't be the worst they've seen, especially in a big city.

Therefore I disagree that you should expect to clean it up yourself or bring your own linens. If a guest was watching TV while eating a room service dinner and spilled some red wine on the sheets, should she strip the bed to try and clean it in the bathtub herself? Of course not. Should I travel with my own set of linens around the time my period is supposed to start, just in case it comes early and surprises me in a hotel bed? Of course not.

Hotel towels and sheets go through a laundering and bleaching process in industrial-grade machines that the everyday activity of mere mortals can't thwart. I wouldn't even think twice if I left towels or sheets with food or bodily fluids on them. Besides, the linens belong to the corporation that owns the hotel, not the housekeepers. It's not personal. You will not get charged extra for a mess on the sheets.

I do think that if you create a massive stain on the carpet or bedspread, something that can't go down to the laundry—especially an organic stain that renders the material unsalvageable—you do risk the hotel charging damages to your credit card. It's probably even in the fine print of the hotel agreement that you sign when you give your credit card for incidentals, that they can charge for excessive room damage. So I would take precaution there.

But if you're just messing up the sheets and towels, a nice big tip for the staff will ease a lot of the pain incurred by your extra mess on the bed or in the bathroom. When I've left any extra mess in a hotel room, I write a little note of "Sorry!" on the notepad, and leave $10 or $20 in cash alongside it at checkout. Leaving the amount in smaller denominations allows a cleaning team of two to split it. If you're creating that much extra work, leave $40-50 to assuage your guilt.

As far as higher-end vs. lower-end hotel, I say you go with the largest hotel in town. They will have the largest staff, largest laundry, and largest supply of linens... and are least likely to be affected by your mess. Whereas if you go to a tiny B&B where the innkeeper is the homeowner is the maid, the extra amount of work you'll be creating grows exponentially.
posted by pineapple at 8:54 AM on January 13, 2011 [6 favorites]


If a guest was watching TV while eating a room service dinner and spilled some red wine on the sheets, should she strip the bed to try and clean it in the bathtub herself? Of course not.

Well, there's a big difference between accidentally making a mess and trying to make a mess that someone else has to clean up. For example, a hotel may not charge you extra for an accidental spill of wine, however if you spun in a circle with a bottle open and sprayed everything, they may.

Hotels take a credit card for damages, mostly. It's at their discretion what they charge as "damage" and, if your idea is to spread food throughout the room, if you stain the mattress/carpet, they're likely going to charge you for its professional cleaning.
posted by dflemingecon at 9:02 AM on January 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


"Should I travel with my own set of linens around the time my period is supposed to start, just in case it comes early and surprises me in a hotel bed? Of course not."

I schedule my holidays, and staying over with friends, for this very reason. Not because I'll get charged, but I don't want the embarrassment and ickiness for myself and somebody whose job it is to clean up. Chocolate looks a bit like faeces when it;s dried too - nobody's going to fancy cleaning up real or perceived bodily fluids (IANA maid).
posted by mippy at 9:24 AM on January 13, 2011


Well, there's a big difference between accidentally making a mess and trying to make a mess that someone else has to clean up.

Not to the housekeeping staff. How can they know what was an accident and what was intentional, hours after the fact? Other than outlier cases as seen on TV ("Detective, someone clearly gave birth to a child in this bed" ..."why is there a tiger in the bathroom?" ..."We have to bake and decorate an entire cake for Jay Leno in our hotel room? Let's do it!"), I just don't think intent matters.

I think that this is a pretty binary marker, in fact: is the mess contained to items that can go down to the laundry, or not? If the former, then let your conscience be your guide on how much extra tip to leave the maids. If the latter.... still tip the maids, but also accept the possibility of a damages charge.

We need that MeFite who manages a hotel to weigh in.
posted by pineapple at 9:29 AM on January 13, 2011


Do you live anywhere near a hotel like a Sybaris that would be used to stuff like this?
posted by MsMolly at 9:33 AM on January 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


For the bed, I'd get a plastic tablecover; the kind with a flannel-y lining, and a sheet. Lay down lining then sheet. For the floor, a cheap fleece throw should suffice, as well as be soft. Just a note: whipped cream is usually cold, and feels much better if warmed up. Ditto fudge sauce. Cleaning up sugary-y messes takes lots of extra towels, so ask for extra at check-in. Candles do a lot to improve ambiance. Tealights are cheap, easy, safe.

Tip well. Hotel housekeepers deserve tips more than most service staff, and it will assuage your uneasiness.
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on January 13, 2011


I just don't think intent matters.

I had friends in high-school who were hotel cleaners for a moderately-large chain. When they encountered a significant amount of cleanup (i.e., more than the average) they would notify a guest services manager, who would determine whether or not there was damage to the room. They did this both for the sake of the hotel, as well as their own sake, as they were under strict time limits for how long it should take to clean a room.

They had a certain amount of discretion involved, i.e., if someone was sick and made a mess on the mattress and tried to clean a little, no big deal, however if someone was sick and there were 6 bottles of vodka around, they'd call the manager.

They both carried chips on their shoulders, so if it looked like the damage was caused by someone who didn't care about the mess, they would make sure it got documented.

They loved people who would mess their sheets, put them in a bag with the word "stained, sorry!" and a tip on the nightstand and would usually do their best to avoid the person getting a damage charge. It all came down to whether or not they felt respected for their work.

YMMV.
posted by dflemingecon at 11:44 AM on January 13, 2011 [4 favorites]


Look, get a rubber sheet for the bed and maybe a nice Liberator throw you can hang onto after, as a keepsake.
posted by Jilder at 11:58 AM on January 13, 2011


> Lot of room service menus at W Hotels include package that comes with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, extra set of sheets, etc. for this exact purpose.

Wait... can we back up a minute? Are you serious?
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 3:02 PM on January 13, 2011


InsanePenguin writes "Plastic dropcloth from a hardware store that you'd use for painting. It's cheap, so get enough to cover the entire room. When you're done, just roll it up into a big ball and everything is clean."

Plastic drop cloth is pretty thin in my experience. It's good for hanging on walls in the splash zone (use low strength masking tape); however plastic vapour barrier is better for walking on. It's thicker, tougher and is available 10' wide. Lay the floor sheets out, tape the seams with Tuck Tape/Sheathing Tape; then hang plastic from the walls if your friend figures that'll be required.

Either would be better than plastic garbage bags.

dixiecupdrinking writes "Wait... can we back up a minute? Are you serious?"

Apparently they'll fill up your bathtub with hot chocolate if you give them a bit of notice.
posted by Mitheral at 7:09 PM on January 13, 2011


(sexy) mess does not equal having plastic sheeting, dropcloths, and the stress. Honestly, that sounds like the worst of both worlds: We're free and freaky! Spray whipped cream on my... oh wait, honey, are the plastic sheets in position? Ugh, what a drag.

As a person who has made an inadvertent mess in hotels occasionally, my advice would be:
- don't make a mess just to make a mess--if you need to throw something icky away, don't throw it in the corner, dispose of it properly;
- apologize and tip, tip and apologize: if something happened that is messy, say you are sorry (in person or in a note) and tip well. Repeat as needed.

Have fun! but don't stress out on cleaning. If you're worried about the cleaning, it's not going to be fun.
posted by sfkiddo at 8:09 PM on January 13, 2011


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