How can I delay female orgasm?
January 10, 2011 3:14 PM   Subscribe

SexFilter: I am a woman who is orgasming too soon, too powerfully, such that it's interfering with my boyfriend's ability to do the same. What do we do?

I'm in a pretty new relationship, and we're having a pretty absurd problem, one which is entirely new for both of us: during penetrative sex, I'm orgasming really quickly (generally within five minutes), I'm orgasming multiple times once I start, and my contractions are evidently "like the kick of a mule."

It's this last part that's the problem--my boyfriend has to fight to stay inside me when I'm orgasming, and this makes it harder for him to maintain his erection, which makes it much harder for him to actually finish during penetrative sex. The problem is not that I don't want to keep going or that it hurts for me to come a lot--the problem is entirely that my contractions make it hard for him to keep going, and anything that speeds his own orgasm up seems to speed mine up even faster, which is a problem.

I'm happy to finish him off orally if need be, but we'd really like to both be able to orgasm during penetrative sex. We both realize that this is an absurd and kind of amazing problem to have, and don't have much of an idea of how to tackle it--do you have tips about how I can delay my orgasm such that he comes first, or make mine weaker? Perhaps tips for other positions we can try that will make him not have to fight so hard to stay inside when I start coming, or things he could do? Thanks in advance for your ideas!
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (12 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

Well, what is it that's making you come? Stop doing that, or wait to do that. You're making it sound like orgasms are just *happening* to you.
posted by peachfuzz at 3:37 PM on January 10, 2011

Positions with you on top would probably be the easiest to maintain insertion.

Consider whether the length and nature of foreplay have any influence on your response and consider trying different things.

Also try changing things around vis-a-vis lubrication (or condom brands if you're using them). Too much could make it hard to stay inserted, too little could be making it too intense for you.
posted by Cogito at 3:49 PM on January 10, 2011

Often, any new event during sex can be distracting, and when you're starting to sleep together, any distractions can be a turn-off. I would try to just flow with it if I were the guy - get used to it, and just keep going. It's a ridiculously on-turning phenomenon you're experiencing after all.

In other words, I'd try to not change anything except just calm down and sort of focus and meditate on the hotness of what happens to your body.

In further words, it's all in the mind - the solution is in the mind.
posted by krilli at 3:51 PM on January 10, 2011

Is there communication going on between the two of you while this is happening?

A powerful female orgasm is exactly that. Powerful. It may be threatening or overwhelming to him in some way for reasons such as he doesn't feel that it is him getting you to the big O. He also may feel scared as to feeling his orgasms on the same level you are.

The rest of this is going to be stream of consciousness.

First off, please to not feel you have to dial your ability and pleasure down. A lot of this may be his ability to receive. Guys tend to think they have to be the givers and responsible for the woman's orgasms. Most guys to this day know nothing outside about being good lovers. The onset of the feminist movement and woman's empowerment over the past 40 years have taken care a of a lot of self-knowledge and encouragement for females. Not much has been provided for men.

I learned about sex mostly through porn and books. As much as this helped it is also distorted. It's like learning about your own anatomy though a book. It's 2 dimensional. So guys tend to stick it in and do the old in-out/in-out. Not stopping and rarely having fun with the nuances of position, sensations, energy flows etc.

Any text on healthy ecstatic sex will tell you that communication is primary.

Here is a scenario to play......

He receives first. Make the space nice and relaxed in the way you would want him to feel comfortable. Establish eye contact and say what you would like but in a way that acknowledges the things you like about him when it comes to his body. Because of eye contact, hand job is a good starter. I know you can keep a gaze doing a blow-job. My feeling though is like a guy with insertion, blowjobs are rife with performance anxiety. Pleasure him slow. Pleasure him fast. Not to the point of orgasm though. He needs to communicate with you so you know when to dial back. Do this for awhile. If you want a number then go for 20 minutes to start. Keep eye contact. Encourage him as gently as you can to breathe and verbalize (moans, oohs and ahhs_ and to tell you what feels good and what doesn't. When your ready, top him. You'll be turned on and probably buzzing with energy. When you are on him and he has full penetration of you, then sit for a minute or two and do nothing (except to move just enough to keep him hard if you have to). You do not have to do anything. Energy fields seek their own harmonies. Keep eye contact with him throughout. Begin to rock him slowly. If you feel you are about to come, stop and wait. The sensation will not dissipate. Consider that it is spreading throughout your body. Keep gazing. Encourage him top tell you when it feels good.

Milk this as long as you can. Or in the beginning if you just want him to come first, then let that happen and then let yourself fly.
posted by goalyeehah at 4:11 PM on January 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

Try thinking about baseball.


I've actually been in this situation myself, and what we found most helpful was a healthy amount of lube. The reduced friction slowed things down a little bit on her end, and made it easier and more comfortable for me to stay inside. As for positions, you being on top is actually a pretty bad idea, cause if it doesn't work, he can end up supporting your full weight with his erection. Ouch. The easiest position involves finding a bed, table or couch of just the right height, so he can stand up, and you can either sit or lie back, but with your legs wrapped around him. Also, it can help if he gets you off in some other fashion first, as tired-out muscles can't contract as strongly. Finally, this "problem" is will most likely turn out to be temporary, or, rather, only occasional.
posted by patnasty at 4:15 PM on January 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Positioning also can help.

My issue is the reverse. I like being in a woman for a long time. I like being in these pleasure states and milking them for a long time. The issues that some women have is that if they only have vaginal or clitoral orgasms, the intensity of what they feel can be too much. Full-body orgasms are nice to add to the menu. You may be getting this already. In a weird way this can also be a reason why a guy comes so fast. A lot of people have been led to believe that sex is penis or vaginally oriented. A guy feels that intensity so fast he has nowhere to go with it. That is why stopping before orgasms is important for women and especially for men. A suggestion would be this. When you feel yourself about to come use your fingers and hands and literally move the energy/sensation away from your hips towards your heart, breast, nipples, face and all over your body. Spread it out. This helps lengthen the journey towards your orgasms.
posted by goalyeehah at 4:22 PM on January 10, 2011

Why don't you do something that makes you come before you start having penetrative sex? Then it will probably be easier for you to match your pace to his during that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:23 PM on January 10, 2011

Seconding Patnasty on lube.

Also I defer to my bias proudly. I like my woman on top.
posted by goalyeehah at 4:24 PM on January 10, 2011

I have a version of this same problem. My beef with woman-on-top is that I come almost instantly in that position--it makes things even (er) harder.

I usually just finish things off orally, but sometimes we delay penetrative sex for as long as possible, instead using pre-sex blow jobs, outercourse, hand jobs, etc, before insertion. Get him as close to coming as you possibly can before you let him put it in you. Then, when you do, try and stop just before you come and change positions once or twice. Yes, that usually means changing positions pretty quickly/frequently, but he should be pretty close by this point, anyway.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:11 PM on January 10, 2011

so he gets pushed out... just put it back in after you do your thing. repeatedly if necessary.
posted by wurly at 6:28 PM on January 10, 2011


But seriously, if you get him very close to coming before penetration he might at least be able to come at the same time as you.
posted by custard heart at 7:04 PM on January 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

Wait, are the contractions painful for him? Is that why just putting it back in hasn't been working? That's one thing I wasn't quite sure of after reading your OP.

I feel like this is a matter of positioning, and possibly re-training through masturbation. I agree with this assessment (on the off chance that your SO is getting peeved by the fact that it happens and it happens hardcore, but I sort of don't really think that's it) Maybe a session in edging would help both of you sync your orgasms together?
posted by patronuscharms at 12:51 AM on January 11, 2011

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