Bitter, Confused Ex-girlfriend
January 5, 2011 2:33 PM Subscribe
How do you get over a major breakup with your first love?...long story!
As some of you may know, 2010 has been a rocky year for me with school and social life-- but luckily, things are going better than ever in every aspect of my life but dating. I am 21-year-old college student. I was never much of a dater, because I spend an awful time hitting the books and watching soap operas. Two years ago, however, I met a wonderful 24-year-old named "Tom" at a student conference. We have similar life experiences and I admired his no-nonsense approach to life. Tom is a former foster child, who grew up without any support systems. Still, he managed to gain leadership positions in the Army and attend college. Tom told me that he was planning to take a break from school and, at that time, I did not ask questions. Over time, he became a prominent part of my life. We would play video games, build computers, and watch corny shows together. He asked me to pursue a long-distance relationship with him, and I gladly accepted!
Things begin to change dramatically last year, when I took an internship near his apartment. Tom invited me to stay for the summer rent-free (I purchased the groceries), and I immediately noticed his fast-food uniform. I questioned him about school and his work-study job. He told me that due to financial circumstances, he had to take the spring and summer semesters off to raise money ($1500) and reimburse the bursar's office. Tom also left ROTC following a suicide attempt. While I stayed there, he was almost always late with rent, so I ended up spending my hard earnings to help him out.
But Tom made me feel special. I would come home from interning to find 5-course meals, candle-lit baths, and other perks that any girl would ask for. Fast forward a few months...he was still at the fast-food restaurant and I later (without permission) read an e-mail that he sent to his father. He explained that he did not want to finish college (only 20 credits left), and that he was sick of struggling financially. Tom stated that since he was now making $10 per hour, he could take more time off and--eventually-- work for his father (who doesn't even offer him support).
During our phone and Skype conversations, I began to play "mother", so-to-speak. Encouraging him to take on a second job (which he did, but quit), move in with me rent-free, or work with me online to supplement his income. Tom explained that after such a long day of biking to work, shady internet access, and a lease agreement-- my suggestions were not feasible.
Today, Tom decided to break up with me. He believes that my constant nagging about getting back in school led to his self-reflection. He needs time to work on himself and figure out what he wants in life. Yet, he wants to remain friends. Now, half of me feels really bad for e-mailing him job applications...but I can't help but feel bitter. Please help me cope with this breakup.
As some of you may know, 2010 has been a rocky year for me with school and social life-- but luckily, things are going better than ever in every aspect of my life but dating. I am 21-year-old college student. I was never much of a dater, because I spend an awful time hitting the books and watching soap operas. Two years ago, however, I met a wonderful 24-year-old named "Tom" at a student conference. We have similar life experiences and I admired his no-nonsense approach to life. Tom is a former foster child, who grew up without any support systems. Still, he managed to gain leadership positions in the Army and attend college. Tom told me that he was planning to take a break from school and, at that time, I did not ask questions. Over time, he became a prominent part of my life. We would play video games, build computers, and watch corny shows together. He asked me to pursue a long-distance relationship with him, and I gladly accepted!
Things begin to change dramatically last year, when I took an internship near his apartment. Tom invited me to stay for the summer rent-free (I purchased the groceries), and I immediately noticed his fast-food uniform. I questioned him about school and his work-study job. He told me that due to financial circumstances, he had to take the spring and summer semesters off to raise money ($1500) and reimburse the bursar's office. Tom also left ROTC following a suicide attempt. While I stayed there, he was almost always late with rent, so I ended up spending my hard earnings to help him out.
But Tom made me feel special. I would come home from interning to find 5-course meals, candle-lit baths, and other perks that any girl would ask for. Fast forward a few months...he was still at the fast-food restaurant and I later (without permission) read an e-mail that he sent to his father. He explained that he did not want to finish college (only 20 credits left), and that he was sick of struggling financially. Tom stated that since he was now making $10 per hour, he could take more time off and--eventually-- work for his father (who doesn't even offer him support).
During our phone and Skype conversations, I began to play "mother", so-to-speak. Encouraging him to take on a second job (which he did, but quit), move in with me rent-free, or work with me online to supplement his income. Tom explained that after such a long day of biking to work, shady internet access, and a lease agreement-- my suggestions were not feasible.
Today, Tom decided to break up with me. He believes that my constant nagging about getting back in school led to his self-reflection. He needs time to work on himself and figure out what he wants in life. Yet, he wants to remain friends. Now, half of me feels really bad for e-mailing him job applications...but I can't help but feel bitter. Please help me cope with this breakup.
He sounds like a loser. It sucks now but you will realize you are better off before too long, I promise.
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:41 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by BobbyDigital at 2:41 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I know it feels shitty right now, but having been in a somewhat similar but less severe (he graduated college and eventually got a job, but hated said job), and it feels so much freer not to feel partially responsible for helping someone make every life choice. You can do what you want to do and not spend so much of your energy worrying about his career and looking for jobs for him, etc.
posted by elpea at 3:03 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by elpea at 3:03 PM on January 5, 2011
Oh, and my tips for coping are to engage in your favorite hobbies or pastimes and to work hard toward a project or an academic/career goal for yourself.
posted by elpea at 3:04 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by elpea at 3:04 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
It happened today, give yourself a couple of days to feel like crap. Savor it, since this will ultimately pass and you like the soap operas. Some days I enjoy my romantic life much more when seeing it from an outside perspective, it's practically like watching a sitcom. The good times are good because the bad times provide contrast.
posted by lizbunny at 3:14 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by lizbunny at 3:14 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, and whatever happens, I wish you the best.
Don't beat yourself up over your efforts to steer him toward a path that (for most people) leads to growth. Fast food is not on that path. More importantly, financial concerns are one of the main reasons real adult relationships end. As your intellectual and financial growth continue, his lack of progress is going to be a growing source of frustration, sadness and anger for you. The suicide attempt (Tom's, I'm assuming) is also a bad sign.
Also, the relationship you were moving into was, as you noted, the parent-child relationship and not the one that leads to happily-ever-after romance.
My advice: treasure what you had and leave while its still a source of mostly good memories. If Tom gets his life sorted out, is happy and growing as a person, and wishes to share same with you, then reconsider.
posted by Hylas at 3:35 PM on January 5, 2011
Don't beat yourself up over your efforts to steer him toward a path that (for most people) leads to growth. Fast food is not on that path. More importantly, financial concerns are one of the main reasons real adult relationships end. As your intellectual and financial growth continue, his lack of progress is going to be a growing source of frustration, sadness and anger for you. The suicide attempt (Tom's, I'm assuming) is also a bad sign.
Also, the relationship you were moving into was, as you noted, the parent-child relationship and not the one that leads to happily-ever-after romance.
My advice: treasure what you had and leave while its still a source of mostly good memories. If Tom gets his life sorted out, is happy and growing as a person, and wishes to share same with you, then reconsider.
posted by Hylas at 3:35 PM on January 5, 2011
The backstory seems like it should be less relevant for you than how you're actually feeling! Try to describe that to yourself, if you haven't. Ignore all the scripts and preconceptions about how you're supposed to feel after a breakup. What's going on with your emotions and your body? Trying to see that more clearly has been a trusty trick for me. One time I felt so jealous I couldn't do anything but sleep, and when I woke up I just noticed that it wasn't as bad anymore. Just that recognition was wonderful and helped me feel more capable of doing something good. Then it came back again after a while... but I knew it wasn't permanent.
I think it's alright to focus on just feeling good, emotionally and physically. Thinking about it intellectually (especially in terms of "what did I do wrong?", "how can I make it better between us?") might be counterproductive. You can think about that stuff some other time if you want to. But in my experience things always seem worse when I'm messed up emotionally and I never really come up with anything clever anyway.
posted by mbrock at 3:47 PM on January 5, 2011
I think it's alright to focus on just feeling good, emotionally and physically. Thinking about it intellectually (especially in terms of "what did I do wrong?", "how can I make it better between us?") might be counterproductive. You can think about that stuff some other time if you want to. But in my experience things always seem worse when I'm messed up emotionally and I never really come up with anything clever anyway.
posted by mbrock at 3:47 PM on January 5, 2011
But Tom made me feel special. I would come home from interning to find 5-course meals, candle-lit baths, and other perks that any girl would ask for.
Honestly these sorts of performative examples are the kind of thing young deluded guys really break their backs trying to live up to, because they're exploring the romantic ideals they think are "expected" of them. Women go through the same thing, from the other side. When it becomes too much work to keep up, usually the partner will begin to see a drastic personality change as reality asserts itself.
posted by hermitosis at 3:50 PM on January 5, 2011 [5 favorites]
Honestly these sorts of performative examples are the kind of thing young deluded guys really break their backs trying to live up to, because they're exploring the romantic ideals they think are "expected" of them. Women go through the same thing, from the other side. When it becomes too much work to keep up, usually the partner will begin to see a drastic personality change as reality asserts itself.
posted by hermitosis at 3:50 PM on January 5, 2011 [5 favorites]
Don't be friends with Tom right now -- you need time and space. But he's right that he needs to work on himself, and this relationship wasn't working well for you, so it might be helpful to keep in mind that this is for the best.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:55 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 4:55 PM on January 5, 2011
I just went through a very bad breakup where I felt he was trying to change me, I was resentful and bitter but still did not want to believe that we were really broken up. Constant interaction, fights and reminders of him forced me to relive the breakup over and over again, you really need time to yourself, being friends is not a possibility until that bitterness you feel subsides.
My advice is to get back to doing what you used to do, you were happy before this person it doesn't seem like that now but you were. Reconnect with friends you have not spoken to, get back into hobbies or outings that you ceased during the relationship, focus on yourself. Though it is difficult to say no to a friendship with this person you must, at least for now, otherwise you will both be in a very unhealthy situation. It will get better not immediately but eventually.
posted by TaiC at 8:02 AM on January 13, 2011
My advice is to get back to doing what you used to do, you were happy before this person it doesn't seem like that now but you were. Reconnect with friends you have not spoken to, get back into hobbies or outings that you ceased during the relationship, focus on yourself. Though it is difficult to say no to a friendship with this person you must, at least for now, otherwise you will both be in a very unhealthy situation. It will get better not immediately but eventually.
posted by TaiC at 8:02 AM on January 13, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
I don't recommend the first two, but I'm certain that the latter two do work. YMMV.
Do not try to be friends now, wait until you both are sure where you are in life before you even consider being friends again. In my case it was close to 10 years after the breakup before we were friends again (My sister maintained a snail mail correspondence with her for years and would give me updates but we never spoke).
Good luck.
posted by schyler523 at 2:41 PM on January 5, 2011