Help before it gets bloody.
January 3, 2011 2:45 PM   Subscribe

Worried about elderly father...

My father lives in Florida. He owns the house he lives in. He is not wealthy, just a retired civil servant.

My father (86) has been estranged from my brother (56) for about 30 years. I just found out that my brother drove cross country and is living with my father.

My brother has been homeless for the last 20 years and living in California. He is not a nice guy. Suffice it to say, drugs, mental illness, etc. About 20 years ago I had a county prosecutor call me and ask if he had ever been institutionalized. I said no, the prosecutor said he should be.

The only recent contact I have had with my brother is from him asking me what he will get when my father dies. Before that the only contact my family got were death threats. Constant email or middle of the night phone calls with death threats.

I have a feeling this will end badly with one of them dead. Family history leads me to believe this. My father is not a stable person. His health is poor, but his mind is sharp. He still takes care of himself and his property. He owns guns and knows how to use them.

He was a terrible father to my brother and my brother was a terrible son. They never got along. My father feels that this is his fault and wants to make amends. I have told my father my concerns. We are very close, but he said that he felt he had to mend the relationship with his son.

I am not living in the country. I am working and living 5,000 miles away. I am in contact with my father's girlfriend (who is a lovely, kind, independent 79-year old). She is livid about the situation. She has met my brother in the past and is terrified of him. She feels that the outcome will be bad, with my father killing my brother. She said my father is complaining about my brother, and he has only been there for a few days.

SO, the question is: what do to? When my brother first showed up my father called the police. Is there some authority I can contact? Do I have to go there? Do I call the police and tell them my concerns?

I am looking for concrete steps. I don't want to understand or accept my brother, the time for that passed a long time ago. I don't want this to end in a bloodbath.
posted by wandering_not_lost to Human Relations (11 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Your father must call the police and have your brother removed from his place. Anything short of his removal will make this story have a very bad ending.

You said your father called the police when your brother first showed up. What happened then?

Perhaps have your father give his girlfriend a full power-of-attorney for all of his affairs. If you know her to be trustworthy and has your father's best interests at heart then I would do that. But you should have your brother removed from the house first. Then he and his girlfriend should visit an attorney.
posted by JayRwv at 2:55 PM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


What really can be done at this point if nothing has been done? If dad wants him there and brother wants to be there, there's nothing any external agency can do.

You say dad's mentally sharp, so he can't be declared incompetent.

If the situation changes and dad wants brother out and brother makes threats, then a restraining order will do.

Just had an idea that if you have the money, maybe a private investigator can see if brother has any outstanding warrants or if he's violated the terms of his probation if he's been in the system.
posted by inturnaround at 2:55 PM on January 3, 2011 [3 favorites]


Call Adult Protective Services. They are there to keep elderly people from being abused. Your dad may be happy with the situation right now, but things could change--if the APS people reach out now, he will have a contact in case he needs it later.

Also, health care personnel should be asking elderly patients if they feel safe in their home environment as a matter of course. Your dad's doctor obviously can't discuss his care with you without your dad's permission, but your sending the doctor a letter that spells out your concerns would be appropriate and give the doctor a heads-up.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:16 PM on January 3, 2011 [4 favorites]


Yep, Adult Protective Services can, at the very least, advise you of the law in your father's jurisdiction, plus everyone's rights and obligations in this matter. I'm hoping they can do more, too.

You know what else? Advise the girlfriend to stay well away from your father's home and the brother until this gets resolved. I mean that.

- If this turns ugly, the girlfriend should not be in harm's way.

- If girlfriend is "livid," she may end up precipitating exactly the sort of violence that she wishes to avoid during a visit with your Dad.

- If the girlfriend stays away, your Dad may wise up kick your brother out sooner. If she comes around like usual, as though there isn't a problem, she might be giving your father a false sense of safety when there isn't one. In other words, maybe if she stays aware because of The Danger, your Dad will acknowledge that he is in The Danger and seek help.


That's all I got. I really really hope this works out peacefully.
posted by jbenben at 4:08 PM on January 3, 2011 [4 favorites]


This sounds absolutely terrifying, but you can't stop your competent father and your brother from engaging in this dance of (possible) death.

What you can do is to advise your father's girlfriend to physically remove herself from the situation and to be very careful in her own residence and when out and about. It seems to me that a larger tragedy would be if anything happened to her, and it certainly could if the situation is as volatile as you believe it to be. Same goes for anyone who comes into your father's home or onto the property. Is there a housekeeper? A gardener? You, or your father, or his girlfriend, may determine that there is a moral obligation to warn people that they could be in danger.

Then simply be there for your father, letting him know that if he decides he wants your brother out you will support and assist him, and will not judge him if he gets scared or changes his mind.

Some family dynamics are simply monstrous. Good luck to you and to yours in this trying time.
posted by Scram at 4:12 PM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


I meant to write, "... maybe if she stays away because of The Danger..." Instead, I wrote the word "aware." Oops.

The word "aware" is very appropriate for this situation, though. It's terrifying when you can't make folks "aware" of something like danger. Again, I hope this works out safely.
posted by jbenben at 4:17 PM on January 3, 2011


You might consider calling California and seeing if there are any significant warrants out on your brother. Even if the police responded to your father's house, they may not have run your brother for warrants. If he had a warrant of any importance having him arrested and sent back to California would be an easy fix for you and your father.
posted by InkaLomax at 4:38 PM on January 3, 2011 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: Thanks everyone. A scary thing was that my father's girlfriend actually said, "Well if your father kills him at least he will be gone." And this is a nice lady and I had that thought too.
posted by wandering_not_lost at 6:56 PM on January 3, 2011


Okay - I'm sure I'm out of my league here, but I'm curious - you said your father isn't stable and your brother is bad news and mentally ill, and there are guns. Are all your dad's ducks in a row there? I don't know at all what the gun laws are where they are, or how to check, but what about working from that angle? Is he licensed - does he have to be? Are the guns all properly registered and secured? Do the police need to come and search and check the situation out under those pretenses - possibly something that could be tipped off anonymously? If there were potentially illegal, unsecured weapons around mentally ill people with criminal records, this naive forty year old mommy would like to think the police would be there like stink on a monkey, or maybe I watch too much TV. But, if the weapons are seized, the potential for disaster is mitigated somewhat, right? Good luck with this.
posted by peagood at 7:26 PM on January 3, 2011


He was a terrible father to my brother and my brother was a terrible son. They never got along. My father feels that this is his fault and wants to make amends. I have told my father my concerns. We are very close, but he said that he felt he had to mend the relationship with his son.

That's your father's choice, I'm afraid. By all means get elder care agencies involved but not to remove his (admittedly unpleasant and risky) choice near the end of his life.
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:24 AM on January 4, 2011


I repeat that you should urge your father's girlfriend to get out of there as quickly as possible. Could she take the guns with her? If you honestly believe there is a threat to both your father and your brother's lives, having guns in the house ups that threat by a great magnitude.
posted by amicamentis at 7:24 AM on January 4, 2011


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