The Case of the Ex
December 18, 2010 7:09 AM   Subscribe

How do I separate my ex's rejection/betrayal from my post-coming out anxieties?

This is about my ex, J. We started out as friends and collaborators. During this time, it was clear that he was into me, and although it was not reciprocated. J was very clear that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, and eventually, when I moved to the same city he was living in, I happily relented.

However, it soon became clear that I had deep, deep issues with heterosexual monogamy, and found it hard to be gendered in the way that my relationship with J demanded. I didn't want to hurt him, and he was always so loving and patient and told me that he wanted to be with me no matter what, so we just worked on it.

Eventually, I decided to move to another city to attend graduate school, so I ended the semi-exclusive sexual phase of relationship. We agreed that we knew in our hearts that we would end up together, but what configuration our family-of-choice would take, we would we could only guess. He was much more confident and optimistic about this than I was.

As it happened, we remained in something of a long distance pseudo-relationship for two years. I was very open about all the other people I was involved with, and about my identity trans/formation(s), but he reassured me all the time that he had very little going on in the romantic department, that he supported my self-actualization, and was still romantically and sexually interested in me. We talked of moving to New York together when I was finished with graduate school. Again, he was much more confident than I was about our future together, but he is a very inspiring person, so it was easy to believe that would work it out just as we always had. Love was so strong.

Out of nowhere, I found out that J had been lying to me the whole time, sleeping with and eventually getting romantically involved with other people. He sprung this on me suddenly while I was traveling with him back to our home city. It wasn't the sex that upset me, it was the lying, especially about developing exclusive feelings for another person.... a person who fit the heteronormative presentation I had left behind.

He then expected me to be best friends with this new person and was shocked and angry that I was uncomfortable. I felt like I was talking to a different person-- one who had never said all the things he'd said, one who seemed to forget that we had had sex and said that we loved each other just the week before!

I told him that I felt angry and betrayed, but he insisted that I was somehow in the wrong. I told him that I needed space and time to think, and he agreed. Eventually I came to terms with the idea that, although we would never stop loving one another, I needed to respect his choices and let him be with someone who wanted to non-queer life he did. I contacted him, and he told me that he wasn't interested in being friends with me because it would make his new partner uncomfortable.

I guess what hurts so bad is that this was the ONE PERSON I truly believed would always be there for me and accept me for who I am, no matter what. I felt like he was the one person who would never lie to me, and knowing that he did, well, my world is kind of broken. Coming out (to myself and then to the world) as a somewhat rare variety of sexual minority has been hard, and I think a lot of my internalized homophobia and self-hate is bound up in my feeling of being betrayed and rejected by him. I can't help feeling that if I'd just kept my queer identity inside (or in our bedroom), he would still love me.

I really want him to know that his selfish actions impact other people. I want-- for his sake-- for him to realize that it's okay to honestly express feelings, even if it's not what the other person wants to hear.

What should I do? Should I contact him? What is the best way to make myself heard?

Or, more importantly, how to I reclaim my identity independent of him and his betrayal?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (18 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
that this was the ONE PERSON I truly believed would always be there for me

I was very open about all the other people I was involved with

It seems like he moved on after you did.
posted by phrontist at 7:26 AM on December 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


He already knows that his selfish actions impact other people. If you contact him to tell him this, you're doing it because it's something you need to express for your own sake, not for his sake.

Write him off as person who lied to you and hurt you. Try to remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you deserve better, and that he's just A person, note THE ONE person in any meaningful way. Just like any failed relationship, try to move on.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:33 AM on December 18, 2010


It might help to imagine how a fundamentally kind, well-meaning person might make the mistakes that your ex made. It seems plausible to me that he was clinging to the idea that your relationship could work, just as you kept clinging to that same idea. It also seems plausible that the relationship he had with you stopped working for him somewhat before he was able to admit to himself that it wasn't working. From there, it makes perfect sense that he might discover some romantic opportunity with someone else, pursue that opportunity, and then be very reluctant to disclose it to you. In other words, I don't see any reason to think he set out to deceive you. Rather, I think he simply lacked the strength to be honest with you.

So basically, I think it helps to have some compassion for people who've hurt you -- some acceptance of the fact that they are usually just flawed and struggling humans, not monsters. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you can't be angry or sad, or that you should keep putting yourself in harm's way; you probably should stop contacting this guy for a few years, if not permanently. But realize that his behavior is all about him, and has very little to do with you at all.
posted by jon1270 at 7:39 AM on December 18, 2010 [11 favorites]


I think this situation would make a lot more sense to you if you spent some time putting yourself in your former friend's shoes. imagine that you were him and he was you, going back 3 years or so, and play out the entire scenario from his perspective. you seem pretty stuck in overthinking it right now, and that might clear it up.
posted by facetious at 7:43 AM on December 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Hmm, I think solving this problem is going to require you to be a little less self-centered. (It's ok; this is a lesson all of us learn, sometimes shockingly late in life! I don't think I really realized other people existed until I was 24.)

Everything in your story makes it seem like you were setting all the terms in your relationship, and they were quite difficult terms: non-exclusivity, long distance, pseudo-relationship. He still pursued you and you liked it that way -- you got your personal exploration, to live in another city, to be with other people, and still have his emotional support when (and to the exact degree) you wanted it. Plus, you got to feel like he was always chasing you, which gave you value. You seem to have assumed that he agreed to full honesty about his own life, but nothing you write makes it clear that he promised this. Or, indeed, that he would owe you this, since by your description you merely had a "pseudo-relationship."

Then it turns out he's in love with someone else and you're outraged. I actually don't think this has anything to do with your non-heteronormativity. You're just jealous! And stung that this guy you thought would always be in your corner supporting you now has someone else who has a superior claim on his attention. You got so used to seeing him as the guy who would take anything from you that it shocks you to know he's autonomous.

Look, this is not a referendum about your value as a person, or your gender expression. It just means that he needed more than you could give him -- than you wanted to give him, if you're honest with yourself.

So where to go from here? I do not have your same story with respect to gender-monogamy stuff, but I have plenty of experience with the quasi-boyfriend situation -- a relationship that's more than a friendship but less than a partnership. Unfortunately, as you've learned, these relationships can be unstable because one or both of you will find someone, and that intense focus naturally gets switched to the "real" partner. Then you lose a main source of emotional support, and you're confusingly jealous because, after all, you didn't want to be his girlfriend anyway. What I've learned is three things: 1) you have to let him go and not use him for emotional support while depriving him of a full relationship; 2) if it really is a real friendship, then you'll be willing to deal with the discomfort of learning to get along with his new partner, and moving your friendship with him to a less intimate/more apporopriate level; 3) a lot of this will depend on how well you and new partner like each other.
posted by yarly at 7:46 AM on December 18, 2010 [26 favorites]


You asked a lot of him, wanted him to be the anchor while you explored, but in the end he wasn't able to give you exactly what you needed. It sounds like he tried for a while, with the lying, but in the end, he couldn't be everything you wanted him to be.

It happens, especially when we ask a lot of people.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:47 AM on December 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


You wanted to see other people. He saw other people, too. You were open about your sexuality. He wasn't as comfortable discussing his with you. You have come out as gay or bisexual - I can't tell from your post. He wanted your friendship and also moved on to a relationship with someone who could reciprocate his need for a monogamous romantic relationship. He didn't recoil in horror from your sexuality. He even wanted you to be friends with his new partner. But you rejected this attempt, called him a liar, and accused him of betrayal. He's probably hurt and confused. His new partner is most likely uncomfortable with the fact that you are his ex-girlfriend. Gay or straight is not the point. Many people are not comfortable with their partners maintaining a relationship with an ex. And since you kind of exploded on him, he probably didn't see the point in fighting.

This isn't about your coming out. I would go so far as to say that this is about your attachment to your ex, and you're trying to make it about your coming out so that you don't have to deal with the attachment you feel. Instead, you can just say, "He rejected me because I'm gay!" which makes it all on him. Don't do that to yourself.
posted by katillathehun at 7:52 AM on December 18, 2010 [5 favorites]


Just a note...poster doesn't ever say that they are 'gay'. The 'coming out' sounds more like it refers to gender expression, as in coming out as trans ("identity trans/formation), or as just ambiguous, or not exactly what society would predict for someone with a certain set of genitals. None of this though refers to what sex or gender expressions the poster would be attracted to and want to sleep with/be with.
posted by whalebreath at 8:36 AM on December 18, 2010


I agree with what others have written -- you desperately seem to want to paint this as a betrayal, but it's hard to see what the betrayal is. You had a partner, he wanted something that you coudn't give, you lived apart, he found someone who could give him what he wanted. This is a very, very common story unrelated to questions of gender expression, coming out, heteronormativity, etc.

When people split because of a fundamental incomptability, whatever the source of that incompatibility, it is not a betrayal. Indeed, given that you were explicitly not monogamous with him after you left for grad school, it is quite the opposite of a betrayal -- it was almost inevitable. It is not -- absolutely not -- a referendum on your sexual or gender identity. It is merely him finding a partner who he is happy with and compatible with

I've no doubt it is painful to not have him in your life anymore, but to get past it you need to not focus on him and his alleged betrayal -- that way lies pain and frustration. Focus on yourself, and what you want for yourself in your life. There will be someone out there for you, but it is not fair to either yourself or your previous partner to be angry that it didn't turn out to be him.
posted by modernnomad at 8:37 AM on December 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


I can't help feeling that if I'd just kept my queer identity inside (or in our bedroom), he would still love me.

Well, that's possible. He seems to have wanted a sexual romantic relationship, and as you weren't wanting the same thing, he found someone who did. Yes, he probably should have 'fessed up, but you didn't want him in that way. Was he wrong to want that? Was he wrong to go after his heart's desire? Don't you want to pursue yours?

I'd move on, not contact him, and explore your world.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:16 AM on December 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Like nearly everyone who's ever been romantically rejected, you'll have to move on without the sense closure you are desiring right now. This is a fact of life independent of gender orientation. He wasn't that horrible to you. He just didn't live up to your expectations. His contrition isn't going to magically restore your sense of identity. This won't always feel like it does now.

The way I read you question, it sounds kind of like you were only keeping him in a box as a long-term backup, "in case of emergency -break glass". You can't expect that sort of thing to end well.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:22 AM on December 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


None of this though refers to what sex or gender expressions the poster would be attracted to and want to sleep with/be with.

True, but it's still not the heart of the OP's matter. The OP's ex wanted a relationship the OP didn't want and thusly moved on. OP is upset about this but has turned it into an issue about her non-heteronormativity rather than the jealousy it sorta sounds like.
posted by katillathehun at 9:25 AM on December 18, 2010


I actually don't think this has anything to do with your non-heteronormativity.

This. As someone who is actually queer and really does have to deal with a certain degree of What Does It All Mean every time I'm in a relationship with pretty much anyone, on pretty much any terms (ah, bisexuality...), what I'm getting from your question is just general hand-wringing about being dumped. It happens. Even when you are "non gender normative" or whatever.

Asking big questions about sexuality and gender and the kind of family you want to have is good, but it's not insurance against being hurt. There is no special Get Out Of Breakup Hell Free card because you're "non-traditional" or "boundary-breaking" or whatever nebulous Differentness you're referring to here. Not to mention that, going forward, you should be prepared for relationship weirdness and needing to deal with both your feelings of differentness and your ability to be there for another person. Regardless of that person's gender/sexuality/ability to follow you on your queer journey.
posted by Sara C. at 10:52 AM on December 18, 2010 [5 favorites]


I can't help feeling that if I'd just kept my queer identity inside (or in our bedroom), he would still love me.

this could well be true. but when you find yourself thinking this just remind yourself -- if you had kept your queer identity inside, you might not love yourself.

I went through the same feelings of betrayal and self-worthlessness a few years ago when I found out my ex was thoroughly in love with his ex-girlfriend (the girl he left for me). emails dating back six months proving he was completely in love with her, even though that time he had been dating me, living with me, telling me he loved me. it made it really hard to trust anyone for a long time. but then...i slowly realized that it wasn't about me. it was about his own inability to buck up and be an adult and admit to his own feelings. it had nothing to do with the way he felt about me or the way he thought (or other people in general thought) that i should be treated. even though our situations are different, it boils down to the same said-he-wanted-me-but-wanted-someone-else bullshit. i would implore you to not read too much into your preferred (queer?) style of living. you gotta be yourself, and be proud of who you are and how you want to live, and if anyone isn't okay with that then sweetie, they're not the one for you! also -- you really have no idea if that affected his decision to move on anyway. for all you know, it could have been more about the distance.
posted by custard heart at 11:01 AM on December 18, 2010 [4 favorites]


You ended your exclusive relationship and saw other people. That's fine, but then you decided to keep him in your pocket. That only lasts so long.

If your account is accurate, it seems like the whole time your spurned him, you were still his first choice. (My guess as to why he didn't tell you he started seeing other people- just like you were, I might add- is that he feared it would make it difficult for you guys to get back together.) But at some point he some combination of the following happened: 1) he grasped this wasn't working for him, 2) he came to the conclusion that it was unlikely he was ever going to get what he wanted from you, 3) he realized that he didn't have to be treated like that, 4) he met someone he liked better.

I know you think you were totally justified in what you did, and that he should have been on board because of whatever "differentness" you're cryptically referring to. But while your lifestyle or identity might be non-traditional, the pattern is not. People of all orientations and genders have pulled the ex-in-your-pocket move, with only superficially different rationales. "Finding yourself", "seeing what else is out there", "become a stronger person" are all popular.

Doing this: I ended the semi-exclusive sexual phase of relationship.
I was very open about all the other people I was involved with


Means you don't get to do this:
I found out that J had been lying to me the whole time, sleeping with and eventually getting romantically involved with other people. [snip] I told him that I felt angry and betrayed .

You need to realize that your selfish actions impact other people, and you don't get a free pass because you're working something out. You guys broke up, a long time ago. Don't contact and stay out of each others' lives.
posted by spaltavian at 5:33 PM on December 18, 2010 [6 favorites]


I think the first thing you need to realize is that you left him way before he left you.

You may have been entirely honest with him, but that isn't the same as being kind. You knew what he wanted, but you admit over and over that you weren't sure that you would ever want the same thing. You told him that and it was good you were honest, but here is where you went wrong: he offered to make too huge of compromises in order to keep you and you let him, rather than let him go. Any conditions you had, he met. And, I'm sorry, but keeping someone on the backburner as a Plan B, while you explore your identity is not ok. Don't get me wrong, you had every right to explore that part of yourself and grow, but you shouldn't have done it with him as your safety net and security blanket.

He wanted you, exactly as you were, for years, but you didn't want him. You loved him, but he wasn't the one for you. You could have had him at any time, but you chose another path and that is fine, but now he's found someone else who actually does want him. You should be happy for him. Should he have told you sooner? Probably. While you didn't demand exclusivity from him, he probably suspected that you weren't being 100% honest with him or yourself and that if you knew that he was dating other people casually, you might walk. And let's be honest, given how you reacted to him being with someone else, he might have been right. He probably thought there was a better chance you would one day come back to him if you thought he had been effectively "saving himself" for you. I'm not excusing his dishonesty, but I don't think it's quite the capital crime you are making it out to be.

I'm not saying this to be hard on you. You've had a long, hard personally journey and it's only natural to lean on someone for emotional support, but you can't ask someone to sacrifice their own happiness in order to supply you with that support.

I don't see any of this has to do with your queerness or gender identity, he clearly accepted you for who are the entire time you were together, even if that wasn't what he personally identified with. I really think this is more about him rejecting something you yourself call a psuedo relationship that might theoretically "one day" develop into a relationship in favor of a full complete relationship with someone that wants to be with him, not tomorrow, or next week, or after X, Y, or Z, but right now.

I know it's hard, but you should be happy for him. He's found what he's looking for and that's something you didn't want to give him. He didn't betray you. He didn't reject you. He just moved on with his life. There is a big difference. He may not have done it absolutely perfectly, but no one is perfect. Everyone will eventually hurt you and disappoint you and that's ok because you aren't perfect either. The important thing is to rationally and empathetically look at the situation and generally error on the side of forgiveness.
posted by whoaali at 11:14 PM on December 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


However, it soon became clear that I had deep, deep issues with heterosexual monogamy, and found it hard to be gendered in the way that my relationship with J demanded.

If you had these feelings then the mature thing to do would have been to break it off. It's pretty clear that he was bending over backwards to save the relationship even after you had doubts it had legs at all, otherwise, why would you have said "We agreed that we knew in our hearts that we would end up together, but what configuration our family-of-choice would take, we would we could only guess. He was much more confident and optimistic about this than I was."

I've had a couple of relationships where I was told flat-out that they were not going to be monogamous. They thought they were really awesome for being so honest. And I pretended I was cool with it because otherwise I would be alone.

But the truth is, it hurt, it hurt a lot. It hurt when A. came back from having sex with someone (who I knew and didn't like) and acted like it was no big deal. It hurt when B. was uncomfortable with masculinity and told me that she demanded the right the sleep with women but assured me that it was okay, because I was allowed to be with men. It really hurt when that same person stopped living with me to "explore herself" and within a month of a male roommate C. (who watched sports and punched holes in walls when he was angry, by the way) moving in, was pining for him but still calling me for emotional support. She would actually be on the phone with me saying things like, "C. is always ignoring me. What should I do?"

Here's the thing: honesty in a relationship is really only fun for both people when the thing you're being honest about is that you're crazy about them. Once you're in a truly monogamous and long term relationship, then honesty about things like their breath or what's between their teeth, or this one habit that drives you crazy -- those are fine too.

Open relationships work for some people, I guess. But the truth is people who are alone and love you will agree to pretty much any horrible arrangement and will delude themselves that it will work right up to the point that it doesn't anymore. Really, the only time you should offer up an open relationship or a non-monogamous relationship as an option is if you know with certainty that the other person wants that too. In which case you should absolutely expect that they might meet someone who they like better than you.

Sorry if I don't come across as having a lot of sympathy for you and for your situation. I'm sure this is painful and difficult for you. And I know for people who are queer or trans in some manner, it really can be difficult to conform to standard gender norms. But to say, "Sorry, I'm going to be difficult to have a normal relationship with" to someone and not expect them, at some point, to seek out or fall into a relationship, is pretty unrealistic.
posted by Deathalicious at 7:58 AM on December 19, 2010 [1 favorite]


Imagine if he came here asking for advice. "I love this this person who says that we can never be in a monogamous relationship, but I want monogamy. We're in contact, and this person keeps telling me that they're sleeping with other people. I wish I could be with this person, but that doesn't seem possible. What should I do?" What would we tell him? What would you tell him?

I really want him to know that his selfish actions impact other people. I want-- for his sake-- for him to realize that it's okay to honestly express feelings, even if it's not what the other person wants to hear.

Really? For his sake? If that were true, it would be the first time in human history. Your relationship with this guy is over. He doesn't want to be friends. The only thing that you can do that will be productive for you is to leave him alone and move on. Anything else is a step backward, and anything else is going to keep you stuck in the same place.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:52 PM on December 19, 2010


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