Ring of Rememberance, or a Painful Reminder?

December 2, 2010 1:26 PM

We want to give my husband's mother a piece of "birthstones of your children" jewelry for Christmas. She has four living adult children, and also lost a child (either stillborn or died shortly after birth) after her first two children were born. All the living children know about this child, but no one ever speaks of it. How many stones should we put on the ring -- four, or five?
posted by anastasiav to Human Relations (42 answers total)

Can you ask her husband, sister or best friend for an opinion?
posted by carmicha at 1:32 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

absolutely four, based on what I know about my mom's own experience with this (SIDS at 9 weeks).
posted by smalls at 1:36 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Because no one ever speaks of it, go for four.
Adding the fifth for the child who passed would make the jewelry more of a sorrow kind of thing than a joy kind of thing. If she is the type to brag about such a lovely gift from her children, having to explain the fifth stone to others may be awkward.
posted by NoraCharles at 1:36 PM on December 2, 2010 [5 favorites]

I would ask your husband what to do.
posted by anniecat at 1:37 PM on December 2, 2010

I would find a different gift. There is the possibility that leaving out the fifth birth would sadden her / the ring would be a painful reminder.

Maybe a grandkids ring, if she has them?
posted by momus_window at 1:37 PM on December 2, 2010 [7 favorites]

I agree - ask a family member or friend. My twin brother died shortly after we were born, but my mother still counts him as one of her children and would like having him symbolized on a ring; yet other mothers may not feel the same way.
posted by punchdrunkhistory at 1:37 PM on December 2, 2010

If nobody ever speaks of the stillborn child, I think it would be best to keep his/her birthstone off the ring. If the mom makes no outward rememberances or indications of the stillborn child, but yet has those things around for the other children, think that is a pretty good indication that it's something she keeps private and prefers to remember in her private way, if at all.

I think to be safe, if you could design the ring in such a way that another birthstone could be easily added, that would be good. You could let her know that you would be happy to have the ring altered if it doesn't fit her or if she wants to make any other changes, etc.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:37 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

(Since she's his mom, not for any other reason)
posted by anniecat at 1:37 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Just, just chiming in to nth 4. No reason to give her a constant reminder of a tragedy.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:38 PM on December 2, 2010

I understand the desire to be respectful of her loss, but I would do just 4. Putting 5 there would be a visual reminder, every day, of the child who was lost, particularly since no one ever speaks of it, and it would give the ring sad connotations. I think of it this way: the potential awkwardness is lower if you go with 4 stones, since there are actually 4 living children and the 'oversight' of not doing 5 would be easily excused (if that makes sense).

I think it's really nice of you to think of this, though.
posted by widdershins at 1:38 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: You could do the birthstones flanking a diamond, as a sort of compromise between the two. Otherwise, I agree with NoraCharles.
posted by punchtothehead at 1:38 PM on December 2, 2010 [15 favorites]

I would suggest you add the stone for the child who has died. As both a grief counselor and a long ago mother of a stillborn child a public (as in family) recognition of that loss would probably mean a lot to her. My experience is that it would be a very rare person who would prefer no recognition of one of her children.
posted by Jandasmo at 1:39 PM on December 2, 2010 [4 favorites]

Absolutely five.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:41 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Choose another gift. This one is not appropriate. You might want to give it, but why do you think she'd want to receive it. Any option you choose at it, it's going to dredge up painful memories.
posted by vincele at 1:43 PM on December 2, 2010 [18 favorites]

I'll offer another perspective. Grief is personal, and each person deals with it in their own way. My son passed away at 5 days and I wear a bracelet with his name on it every day. So for some, remembering the child every day is not a reminder of tragedy, but a reminder that even though he's not with us, his life was an important part of mine. It's an extremely personal thing. The suggestion of getting a ring that can have a stone added/removed may be the best, or making pre-arrangements with jeweler to put the stones in another ring if need be.
posted by Morydd at 1:45 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is deeply personal. Ask her. Getting it right is more important than surprising her. "Mom, when you think of your kids, like if you were listing them, do you add Chris (if named, otherwise 'the pregnancy that you lost')? You know, we've never talked about it; it must have been a sad time for you." Best possible bonus: a conversation with Mom about something very important.
posted by theora55 at 1:46 PM on December 2, 2010 [11 favorites]

I don't know what you should do, but I just wanted to point out that when you make your decision, it's not just about what she will think about the ring privately. It's also about every stranger who will see it and comment on her having five children, every acquaintance or even friend who will see it and say "Why do you have 5 birthstones, who are they for?" Etc.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 1:46 PM on December 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

I like punchtothehead's suggestion. Either that or choose another gift entirely.
posted by phunniemee at 1:48 PM on December 2, 2010

Any chance you could do this as a necklace instead? I see these mostly commonly designed as a set of pendants that can be added to a chain (presumably for future siblings), and it would be very easy to make adjustments this way.
posted by heyforfour at 1:51 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

How about giving two rings that intertwine the way some wedding rings are meant to intertwine with an engagement ring. Make the 4 birthstone ring be a stand-alone that looks fine by itself, and then the 5th birthstone on a separate ring that places the stone in line with the others. Then, she can wear them both or just the living children based on how she feels on any given occasion, or perhaps the one ring just sits in her jewelry box as a sad reminder - but not forgotten.
posted by molasses at 1:54 PM on December 2, 2010

I think theora55 gets it exactly right. This is deeply personal, and it's possible that even her own son doesn't know for sure which would be right. (My own mother lost a son in his infancy, and even though his brief life comes up in conversation and we're pretty open about grief in general, I'm not sure I'd give her a birthstone ring with his stone included. But to unilaterally decide to leave him out would seem presumptuous, too.)

I know that the conversation theora55 proposes might rob the gift of some of its surprise --- but in this case, the surprise might not be exclusively a good surprise.
posted by Elsa at 1:57 PM on December 2, 2010

Response by poster: Wow, I'm overwhelmed with the responses here. Thank you!

Choose another gift. This one is not appropriate. You might want to give it, but why do you think she'd want to receive it.

She's been very consistently admiring this type of jewelry in the four years since my son was born. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's dropping hints, but she has commented dozens and dozens of times on other rings/necklaces of this sort -- both those owned by her friends and some we see in stores and/or magazines. We have every reason to think she would love to have something like this of her own, but she is a super-stoic midwestern-born woman in her mid-60's -- She and her husband would not be out of place in Lake Wobegon -- and although all the children have talked about this issue endlessly among themselves, none of the children feels even remotely comfortable in broaching the conversation.

Please keep the comments coming, you've given us a lot more to think about.
posted by anastasiav at 1:57 PM on December 2, 2010

If you're very worried about the possibility of making her uncomfortable or upset by asking her directly, which is totally understandable, and you're willing to drop the surprise angle of things, you could just tell her you're planning to get her a piece of birthstone jewelry, and ask her to give you a list of the order she'd like the birthstones to be in. Some people do it by age, by season, by color, boys first, girls first, etc.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:02 PM on December 2, 2010 [26 favorites]

Does she have a best friend who could be asked? Perhaps the best friend would be able to broach the subject in a sidelong way, or would already know the answer. I know how I would answer, and I know how my friend who lost a child to anencephaly would answer, but we're of a completely different generation which absolutely makes a difference.

I think, if you can't get a definitive answer, perhaps this ought not to be a surprise. Make the gesture of giving the ring a surprise: wrap a little ring box and when she opens it, tell her that you all want to give her a birthstone ring, but they're so very personal and you want her to pick it out herself. We did that for my mother and she was very, very touched and actually picked a ring that none of us (and there are five) - not a single one - would have chosen for her.
posted by cooker girl at 2:03 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Or heck, just surprise her by bringing her to jewelry store on a special day and having her design it herself. Then you can physically give it to her on Christmas.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:04 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Related to molasses's idea, what about stacking rings? Then you could have one for each child. Searching on Etsy for 'stackable birthstone rings' turns up tonnes of options.
posted by carolr at 2:07 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I suggest doing a ring with four stones and have the name of the baby engraved inside the band. Then the ring will symbolize all her children but in a more private way.

My mom always loved this type of jewelry too, and my dad got her a necklace with little birthstone charms to represent each of her grandkids. Every Christmas that she has a new grandchild my dad gets her the corresponding charm.
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:08 PM on December 2, 2010 [12 favorites]

Best answer: I love the idea of doing the 4 birthstones with a larger center stone (either a diamond, or perhaps the lost child's birthstone). It would work chronologically (she lost her 3rd child) and it would be a way for her to privately remember her child. She could choose to disclose the meaning of the center stone to people or not.

It seems to split in the middle whether or not to put the 5th stone in. If you wanted to keep it a surprise, this might be a good compromise.
posted by katypickle at 2:15 PM on December 2, 2010 [4 favorites]

I came in to agree with those who suggest a necklace or bracelet that you can add charms to. The "Pandora" style is very popular. You could get five charms and present the bracelet to her with the four on it, and the fifth in a presentation box, and let her decide.

You could also then, if you wanted, get a different style, maybe a slightly smaller style, to represent grandchildren and add to it in future years. (Since the Pandora-type bracelets accommodate a lot of charms!)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:51 PM on December 2, 2010

That's impossible to call. It could go either way. Sometimes people want to talk about it and they think they can't, in which case she would love a 5th stone. On the other hand some people don't want to be reminded.

Honestly if you don't know her well enough yet to know maybe you should put it off or ask your husband.
posted by Bonzai at 3:21 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Nthing 4 stones, but not surprising her - as in, asking her how she'd like to have them placed... by sex, color, month, etc.
posted by Everydayville at 4:16 PM on December 2, 2010

Let her go to the jeweler and pick what she wants - if she wants 5 stones, then it's her call.
posted by 26.2 at 4:49 PM on December 2, 2010

We had a similar situation when choosing a mother's ring for my step-mother, whose first child, Jeff, died shortly after birth and was never talked about openly. The siblings were bitterly split as to including a stone for that child. My step-mother's own mother was vehemently against including the stone. My father (who did not father the deceased child), made the call that it should be included, but the agonizing over and stress of the decision lingered until the gift was finally opened. She looked down, looked puzzled for a moment, whispered "you remembered Jeff", and burst into tears. She was clearly touched and happy we had thought to include him. In her eyes, the fact that he died was irrelevant- she was his mother, and she seemed grateful that was recognized. Of course, YMMV, but I wanted to provide a real life example.
posted by pupperduck at 5:38 PM on December 2, 2010 [10 favorites]

I think stacking rings or a bracelet or necklace with pendants that can be added is the way to go here.

James Avery has beautiful ones, and very traditional. They also do pendants.
posted by Mimzy at 6:06 PM on December 2, 2010

I like the idea of bringing her to pick out the jewelry herself so she can decide what to do. It's definitely a personal decision. My grandmother had a stillborn (who was always referred to as "the dead baby" which is rather morbid!) but I don't think anyone would say she had 5 kids instead of 4. But others would be completely different.
posted by radioamy at 6:43 PM on December 2, 2010

As a mother I would love jewellery like this but since one of my children is dead there would be no way to make me happy with this kind of gift. I am not sure which horror is worse; including her stone would require explanations at times I feel fragile and leaving her stone off would hurt me immensely and make me feel her life had been forgotten and my grief inconvient. I would wear neither and think less of someone that gave me such a thoughtless and presumptuous gift. Separating the stones into stacking rings would force me to choose daily whether she existed or not.

Please ask your mother-in-law. Perhaps she lingers over the jewellery because it is a bittersweet reminder that she didn't get the happy ending that mothers who have never grieved a child can't really appreciate.

Sorry my feelings are strong, this is just such an inappropriate gift although I recognise you are coming from a place of ignorance and love.
posted by saucysault at 8:26 PM on December 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

This is a very sensitive subject for me but one I also feel very strongly about. Eight months ago my son died shortly after his birth. I can tell you from what I have experienced that there is nothing more painful to me than when people pretend as if he never existed.

Of course, I do recognize that in the past these types of losses were even more frequently brushed under the rug than they are now and as a consequence people may feel uncomfortable speaking on the issue. I think the best thing to do is ask your mother-in-law. Just because her children aren't comfortable speaking about it doesn't necessarily mean that she would be. I guess all you can do is use your best judgment.

Personally, I hope to God (or whatever/whomever) that when I am at that point in my life someone will have the integrity (bravery?) and sensitivity to do the same for me and for the memory of my son. It would mean the world to me.

Even if you decide to not broach the subject, I admire the fact that it has been on your mind.
posted by teamnap at 10:10 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

This gift can be incredibly moving if it is the culmination of a conversation you have with your husband's mother, and incredibly painful if it is the opening of that conversation. Please don't choose either the four or five stone option without giving her the chance to be involved in the decision somehow.
posted by muhonnin at 11:27 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

In similar circumstances, we included the birthstone of the deceased child. We were fortunate that it was taken in the spirit in which it was intended and didn't cause more sorrow. If we had it to do over, I think TooFewShoe's idea of engraving the baby's name inside the ring is a beautiful gesture that honors the child's life and the mother's privacy.

Good luck and please let us know what you decide.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:39 PM on December 2, 2010

I think saucysalt touches on the possibility that also occurred to me: perhaps your MIL mentions this type of jewellery because she would like to talk about the baby she lost? Maybe all her surviving kids have just got used to not talking about it, and perhaps she didn't want to talk about it in the past, but she might feel differently these days now that she has grandchildren.
posted by 8k at 12:58 AM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

To echo 8k, my mother has talked to me much more about her miscarriages now I have a daughter than she ever had. But I don't know how she would have brougght up the topic if it hadn't been for a few friends who had miscarriages and then me starting the conversation.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:59 AM on December 3, 2010

I lost a child and have two living children, when people ask me how many kids I have I answer "three." Everyone above is right though, this is deeply personal, and something that would be best discussed with her.
posted by togdon at 7:49 AM on December 3, 2010