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December 2, 2010 11:00 AM Subscribe
How to handle possible romantic interest from my boss? (Complication: I'm interested in him too but have no desire to wreck my career or relationship.)
Hi, I'm a walking cliche.
I am a straight early 30s female, in a relatively happy long-term relationship, that has been working for a large corporation for about six months. I believe my male, married, 40-something boss (an executive type) is interested in me romantically. While he has never made any direct moves on me, the standard signs are all there: lingering eye contact, body language, etc. He also seems to favor me over other members of our team by praising me more often and more publicly than others.
He has taken me on as a bit of a confidant and often asks my opinion on sensitive business matters that he probably shouldn't consult with me on.
Recently, we've also been out drinking together with one other colleague and he asked questions about my personal life, jokingly asked what men at the company I found attractive, that sort of thing.
So it's headed in a potentially bad direction, unless I am somehow totally misreading his actions. The thing is, I am attracted to him as well and am having trouble concealing it - however, I love my boyfriend and have no intention of losing my job or my relationship over what is most likely a passing fancy with my boss.
So I guess my question is: what's the best way to handle this? I assume, although I am not sure, that my team members are aware of his favoritism towards me, but I am reluctant to address it without seeming guilty; do I address his behavior directly, or just concentrate on controlling my own behavior? Also, as I fear alienating him totally, do I turn down offers to socialize or tell him I can't consult with him on the sensitive business issues he approaches me with? I am already expending a lot of emotional energy in controlling my own behavior and I find the idea of directly broaching the topic to be almost too much to bear, so should I just play dumb and ignore the whole issue and hope it blows over?
I'm ashamed to even have to ask about this at my age - I should really know better. I also realize this is a poorly constructed question, but nevertheless, I would appreciate input from anyone who has been in a similar situation or from anyone who can at least help me frame this more objectively.
Hi, I'm a walking cliche.
I am a straight early 30s female, in a relatively happy long-term relationship, that has been working for a large corporation for about six months. I believe my male, married, 40-something boss (an executive type) is interested in me romantically. While he has never made any direct moves on me, the standard signs are all there: lingering eye contact, body language, etc. He also seems to favor me over other members of our team by praising me more often and more publicly than others.
He has taken me on as a bit of a confidant and often asks my opinion on sensitive business matters that he probably shouldn't consult with me on.
Recently, we've also been out drinking together with one other colleague and he asked questions about my personal life, jokingly asked what men at the company I found attractive, that sort of thing.
So it's headed in a potentially bad direction, unless I am somehow totally misreading his actions. The thing is, I am attracted to him as well and am having trouble concealing it - however, I love my boyfriend and have no intention of losing my job or my relationship over what is most likely a passing fancy with my boss.
So I guess my question is: what's the best way to handle this? I assume, although I am not sure, that my team members are aware of his favoritism towards me, but I am reluctant to address it without seeming guilty; do I address his behavior directly, or just concentrate on controlling my own behavior? Also, as I fear alienating him totally, do I turn down offers to socialize or tell him I can't consult with him on the sensitive business issues he approaches me with? I am already expending a lot of emotional energy in controlling my own behavior and I find the idea of directly broaching the topic to be almost too much to bear, so should I just play dumb and ignore the whole issue and hope it blows over?
I'm ashamed to even have to ask about this at my age - I should really know better. I also realize this is a poorly constructed question, but nevertheless, I would appreciate input from anyone who has been in a similar situation or from anyone who can at least help me frame this more objectively.
I think if you don't socialize with him outside of work ever, he'll probably get the hint. But these kinds of situations are complicated and hard to predict. Just keep things professional, don't make a big deal out of it.
posted by empath at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just me, but I hope there's a Holiday party coming up real soon and his wife is there. Say hello to her, even sit down and chat with her, it'll probably diffuse things rather quickly.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2010 [14 favorites]
posted by teg4rvn at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2010 [14 favorites]
From now on, you're busy whenever it's time to go out drinking. You should not drink with this guy if you need all your wits about you to keep cool.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2010 [28 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:11 AM on December 2, 2010 [28 favorites]
Reading your store, it seems that you´ve already decided. Generally speaking, it´s a bad idea to combine romance and work, since this can become a mess over time. If you´re already engaged in a happy and satisfactory relationship, it´s time to evaluate what are your real feelings about the whole situation.
If your boss has not approached you in "that way", it can possibly mean that both of you are physically attracted, but don´t want to risk the more serious aspect of your respective lives for a short-lived adventure.
I would say "talk to him" but it seems that you don´t have enough information (your feelings and ideas about what´s happening) to address this in the best possible manner.
Last but not least, I had a similar experience in the past and it ended really bad, so I learned that it´s best to separate work from personal life in all aspects to avoid this kind of misunderstandings. You´re not alone, and in this kind of things, it´s always like the first time...
Best of luck!
posted by Matrod at 11:12 AM on December 2, 2010
If your boss has not approached you in "that way", it can possibly mean that both of you are physically attracted, but don´t want to risk the more serious aspect of your respective lives for a short-lived adventure.
I would say "talk to him" but it seems that you don´t have enough information (your feelings and ideas about what´s happening) to address this in the best possible manner.
Last but not least, I had a similar experience in the past and it ended really bad, so I learned that it´s best to separate work from personal life in all aspects to avoid this kind of misunderstandings. You´re not alone, and in this kind of things, it´s always like the first time...
Best of luck!
posted by Matrod at 11:12 AM on December 2, 2010
Stop going out drinking with him. It may be that the other colleague can't o sometime and then it will be just the two of you. If you don't want to cheat, don't put yourself into that situation.
posted by onhazier at 11:20 AM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by onhazier at 11:20 AM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't return that lingering eye contact. When he praises you, be sure and praise other members of the team or note how awesome they are. Politely excuse yourself from those confidential meetings he shouldn't be having with your anyway. Do not got out socially with him, even if other people are there.
The issue isn't just his behavior but your own, yet you can only control your behavior. You're attracted to him and probably sending some signals to him, so limit your time with him.
If you don't handle this professionally, you're probably going to lose the respect of co-workers. This will not blow over. If it is not addressed, there will always be whispers or office gossip, which could impact your standing or career. Make the choice to deal with the problem, for your own good.
posted by nomadicink at 11:23 AM on December 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
The issue isn't just his behavior but your own, yet you can only control your behavior. You're attracted to him and probably sending some signals to him, so limit your time with him.
If you don't handle this professionally, you're probably going to lose the respect of co-workers. This will not blow over. If it is not addressed, there will always be whispers or office gossip, which could impact your standing or career. Make the choice to deal with the problem, for your own good.
posted by nomadicink at 11:23 AM on December 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
I can't help you with the hyper-detailed practicalities, but I will say this:
If your internal feelings towards his behavior were correct and appropriate, your external attitude would have made this a non-issue before it even started.
It shouldn't feel flattering to you that a man who is married + older + boss is flirting with you, a person in a committed relationship. Instead, it should feel faintly repugnant. If you had this straight inside and out you would still be able to show this man professional respect because he is your boss and presumably has more career experience than you, but on a personal level, your attitude would automatically discourage further advances from him. Instead, you've found his attentions attractive, and so he continues to subtly (or not so subtly) persue you.
My advice? Work on your internal attitude and the rest will naturally fall into place.
PS. Your colleagues have all noticed and you are losing respect. Use this fact as motivation to change your feelings before this gets any further out of hand.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 AM on December 2, 2010 [20 favorites]
If your internal feelings towards his behavior were correct and appropriate, your external attitude would have made this a non-issue before it even started.
It shouldn't feel flattering to you that a man who is married + older + boss is flirting with you, a person in a committed relationship. Instead, it should feel faintly repugnant. If you had this straight inside and out you would still be able to show this man professional respect because he is your boss and presumably has more career experience than you, but on a personal level, your attitude would automatically discourage further advances from him. Instead, you've found his attentions attractive, and so he continues to subtly (or not so subtly) persue you.
My advice? Work on your internal attitude and the rest will naturally fall into place.
PS. Your colleagues have all noticed and you are losing respect. Use this fact as motivation to change your feelings before this gets any further out of hand.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 AM on December 2, 2010 [20 favorites]
So I guess my question is: what's the best way to handle this? I assume, although I am not sure, that my team members are aware of his favoritism towards me, but I am reluctant to address it without seeming guilty; do I address his behavior directly, or just concentrate on controlling my own behavior
control your behavior. No drinking with him at all. This is where mistakes get made. Keep it professional. If you decide that the attraction is too strong, break up with BF first.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:28 AM on December 2, 2010
control your behavior. No drinking with him at all. This is where mistakes get made. Keep it professional. If you decide that the attraction is too strong, break up with BF first.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:28 AM on December 2, 2010
Seconding ThePinkSuperhero. I would play dumb unless something overt happens, but I definitely would not drink with him. Inhibitions are lowered and bad ideas seem acceptable. If you think you can manage it, hanging out in a social setting with other colleagues may be acceptable but I would stick with club soda, or something non-alcoholic. I was in a similar situation in my early 20's and definitely made a mess of a complicated situation.
Best of luck!
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 11:29 AM on December 2, 2010
Best of luck!
posted by thankyouforyourconsideration at 11:29 AM on December 2, 2010
The thing is, I am attracted to him as well and am having trouble concealing it - however, I love my boyfriend and have no intention of losing my job or my relationship over what is most likely a passing fancy with my boss.
The thing is, your attraction to him, while vexing, is really something that is totally controllable by you. Well, put another way, you can be attracted to him and have that just be true and annoying and whatever. You do not need to act on that attraction at all and in fact you should be hypervigilant to make sure you are not acting on it, up to and including not doing "normal" work things that might seem sketchy were people to know you were attracted to him.
This means no more drinking with him, this means no more "consulting" with him outside of your appropriate work areas, this means no situations where the two of you just might find yourself alone together.
I find that one of the easier ways to handle this is to come clean with my SO about it, at least in a general "boss is paying attention to me, I need to be appropriate" way and then they are available to talk to about it so it's not some sort of secret that I'm keeping from my partner in that illicit taboo-ish way.
If your boss winds up being a weirdo about it, that's sort of on him. I wouldn't mention anything unless he says anything and then just being fairly vague "not comfortable with the amount of attention I was getting/giving, decided to dial it back...."
Also I'm not clear from your question if your boss is clear that you are in a committed serious relatioship. If not, I'd make sure you get that across and then firther "who are you attracted to at work?" sorts of discussions, if they happen, can be off-limits for more reasonable "that's not really appropriate" ways and not "you shouldn't be talking to me in flirty ways as my boss" ways. That said, you're more than welcome to indicate indirectly or directly that having your married boss be what you consider flirty with you is putting you in an awkward spot. If done tactfully this can be begun and over quickly and then you can get back to doing normal working together things as if it never happened.
posted by jessamyn at 11:33 AM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
The thing is, your attraction to him, while vexing, is really something that is totally controllable by you. Well, put another way, you can be attracted to him and have that just be true and annoying and whatever. You do not need to act on that attraction at all and in fact you should be hypervigilant to make sure you are not acting on it, up to and including not doing "normal" work things that might seem sketchy were people to know you were attracted to him.
This means no more drinking with him, this means no more "consulting" with him outside of your appropriate work areas, this means no situations where the two of you just might find yourself alone together.
I find that one of the easier ways to handle this is to come clean with my SO about it, at least in a general "boss is paying attention to me, I need to be appropriate" way and then they are available to talk to about it so it's not some sort of secret that I'm keeping from my partner in that illicit taboo-ish way.
If your boss winds up being a weirdo about it, that's sort of on him. I wouldn't mention anything unless he says anything and then just being fairly vague "not comfortable with the amount of attention I was getting/giving, decided to dial it back...."
Also I'm not clear from your question if your boss is clear that you are in a committed serious relatioship. If not, I'd make sure you get that across and then firther "who are you attracted to at work?" sorts of discussions, if they happen, can be off-limits for more reasonable "that's not really appropriate" ways and not "you shouldn't be talking to me in flirty ways as my boss" ways. That said, you're more than welcome to indicate indirectly or directly that having your married boss be what you consider flirty with you is putting you in an awkward spot. If done tactfully this can be begun and over quickly and then you can get back to doing normal working together things as if it never happened.
posted by jessamyn at 11:33 AM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm inclined to wonder if the OP has cheated before. She has let it get this far, so she's not averse to this kind of social play. At any rate, this is definitely boundary territory and you may need to excise yourself completely (get a different boss, job, etc.). I know it's been all easy to get here, to the point where you're wondering if it's a problem, but the downsides here are so numerous as to drift toward unwitting precariousness. Disengage, yo.
posted by rhizome at 11:38 AM on December 2, 2010
posted by rhizome at 11:38 AM on December 2, 2010
Oh, and addendum, even though everyone else already said it: don't drink around him, it's kind of inviting trouble.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:45 AM on December 2, 2010
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:45 AM on December 2, 2010
Recently, we've also been out drinking together with one other colleague and he asked questions about my personal life, jokingly asked what men at the company I found attractive, that sort of thing.
This is a move.
Drinking with the boss whose eyes linger? You better don't. Unless you want to become single AND a witness in a sexual harassment case.
posted by phoebus at 11:46 AM on December 2, 2010
This is a move.
Drinking with the boss whose eyes linger? You better don't. Unless you want to become single AND a witness in a sexual harassment case.
posted by phoebus at 11:46 AM on December 2, 2010
If you both maintain a reasonable degree of professionalism this doesn't have to become a real mess. Be professional, do your job well, ensure your team gets credit for their contributions and praise them, ideally sincerely and in public. Only socialise if there is a large group of colleagues and a good reason to socialise and stay away from alcohol and focus your attention on the wider group in those situations. Keep any confidential chats on topic and excuse yourself from them as much as possible. Generally keep conversations to work topics and office stuff.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:50 AM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:50 AM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's really not such a huge deal as everyone is making it out to be! Nor are you a bad person. Look, men and women work closely together for hours every day, and there are bound to be attractions. You just need to act professionally and avoid crossing lines -- no personal conversations that approach flirty at all, no drinking alone (with a bunch of people is ok), no going anywhere alone, and keep the conversations on a professional level as much as possible. Mentioning your bf and talking about his wife a lot helps too. And certainly don't shoot yourself in the foot by not accepting his praise or enthusiastically participating in the higher-level stuff he wants to bring you in on! Maybe you're his favorite because you deserve it for the work you do too.
When I found myself in this situation I resolved it by just waiting it out, focusing on work, not indulging in long personal conversations, and in general just enjoying the fact of working with someone I really liked instead of worrying. Eventually the situation evolved into a really great friendship and working relationship that would not have happened if I had freaked out at the "inappropriateness" of the situation.
posted by mrs. sock at 12:00 PM on December 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
When I found myself in this situation I resolved it by just waiting it out, focusing on work, not indulging in long personal conversations, and in general just enjoying the fact of working with someone I really liked instead of worrying. Eventually the situation evolved into a really great friendship and working relationship that would not have happened if I had freaked out at the "inappropriateness" of the situation.
posted by mrs. sock at 12:00 PM on December 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
Adding my voice to the chorus. Don't drink with him, and assume you are already losing your colleagues' respect (even if it's not true, it will be good motivation for you to step back).
If you cross the blurry line you're on, it will not go well. I repeat, shouting: IT WILL NOT GO WELL!
This happened to me once. My car broke down and my boss, who lived near me, started coming by to pick me up for work.
Unfortunately, said boss had a rep as a player. That and the fact that I apparently smiled and was in a good mood when I got to work added up to gossip.
Nothing ever happened between me and my boss, not even drinking together or lingering eye contact. It still led to gossip. My job wasn't jeopardized but it could have been.
Do you think the lure of the forbidden fruit is adding to the allure of your boss? A lot of people could be hurt if this flirtation goes any further.
posted by xenophile at 12:18 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you cross the blurry line you're on, it will not go well. I repeat, shouting: IT WILL NOT GO WELL!
This happened to me once. My car broke down and my boss, who lived near me, started coming by to pick me up for work.
Unfortunately, said boss had a rep as a player. That and the fact that I apparently smiled and was in a good mood when I got to work added up to gossip.
Nothing ever happened between me and my boss, not even drinking together or lingering eye contact. It still led to gossip. My job wasn't jeopardized but it could have been.
Do you think the lure of the forbidden fruit is adding to the allure of your boss? A lot of people could be hurt if this flirtation goes any further.
posted by xenophile at 12:18 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also I'm not clear from your question if your boss is clear that you are in a committed serious relatioship.
Yeah, in addition to the obvious knocking off of the drinking with the boss, maybe you need to start dropping a few more stories about how wonderful your long-term bf when social chat comes up at work (ie, "how was your weekend?", "oh, my bf cooked me this amazing meal -- I'm so lucky!" etc)..
posted by modernnomad at 12:24 PM on December 2, 2010
Yeah, in addition to the obvious knocking off of the drinking with the boss, maybe you need to start dropping a few more stories about how wonderful your long-term bf when social chat comes up at work (ie, "how was your weekend?", "oh, my bf cooked me this amazing meal -- I'm so lucky!" etc)..
posted by modernnomad at 12:24 PM on December 2, 2010
He also seems to favor me over other members of our team by praising me more often and more publicly than others.
If it ever comes down to discussing things openly with him, you should raise this point -- if he already does this when you're not even doing anything, what in the world makes him think he wouldn't end up wrecking things for you both if you were?
posted by hermitosis at 12:41 PM on December 2, 2010
If it ever comes down to discussing things openly with him, you should raise this point -- if he already does this when you're not even doing anything, what in the world makes him think he wouldn't end up wrecking things for you both if you were?
posted by hermitosis at 12:41 PM on December 2, 2010
I think it's okay to have a little harmless flirtation, but it's also a slippery slope. I love flirting, but I'm bad at resisting temptation (or, more to the point, of WANTING to resist temptation) once it gets to a certain point.
So in a situation like yours, the key for me is to make sure it doesn't get to that point. I would look at the trajectory and make sure that it was headed in a direction I was happy with. Going out for drinks with my flirty boss and another colleague? Totally fine on its face, but totally not headed in the direction I'm happy with. Being professional and friendly? That's the direction I want.
In your shoes, I would do what I can to tone down my own flirtation, ask after his wife, talk about my partner, what fun we had over the weekend or what have you.
posted by rosa at 1:31 PM on December 2, 2010
So in a situation like yours, the key for me is to make sure it doesn't get to that point. I would look at the trajectory and make sure that it was headed in a direction I was happy with. Going out for drinks with my flirty boss and another colleague? Totally fine on its face, but totally not headed in the direction I'm happy with. Being professional and friendly? That's the direction I want.
In your shoes, I would do what I can to tone down my own flirtation, ask after his wife, talk about my partner, what fun we had over the weekend or what have you.
posted by rosa at 1:31 PM on December 2, 2010
Instead, you've found his attentions attractive, and so he continues to subtly (or not so subtly) persue you.
I have no advice to offer but wanted to vehemently disagree with this suggestion. The OP has no control whatsoever over anyone else's actions but her own. She is not responsible for her boss's behavior. End of story.
posted by Lobster Garden at 1:48 PM on December 2, 2010
I have no advice to offer but wanted to vehemently disagree with this suggestion. The OP has no control whatsoever over anyone else's actions but her own. She is not responsible for her boss's behavior. End of story.
posted by Lobster Garden at 1:48 PM on December 2, 2010
The most likely scenario is that he likes to screw around, but wants to maintain his marriage. This makes him all kinds of bad news and potential disaster for you. Be a good pal to him, but avoid any situation that has the potential to allow romance to flower. If anything happens to bring this out in the open, you will get screwed, literally, figuratively, and in any other way possible.
posted by theora55 at 2:00 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 2:00 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
He also seems to favor me over other members of our team by praising me more often and more publicly than others.
Even if you never go further with your boss, this can be career-damaging if you work in a small field, as this sort of thing is likely to start breeding resentment among your coworkers. You can't control his behavior** but you can try to mitigate the collateral damage this sort of thing can do to your relationship with colleagues. Every time you notice him praising you more often or more publicly, spread the credit around.
Boss: "Oh, OP, this is fabulous work, the client is going to love this. You hit it out of the park again."
You: "Thanks--I couldn't have done it without Colleague X and Y, who did most of the layout." (Preferably stated in front of colleagues X and Y.)
Making a habit of doing this will result in your coworkers thinking the weirdness and unfairness is all on his side, not yours; it will put you above any appearance of sucking up or sleeping with the boss to get ahead.
**Although the good suggestions upthread about not going drinking with the boss, not flirting, and bringing up your boyfriend more might end up changing his behavior to be more appropriate.
posted by iminurmefi at 2:03 PM on December 2, 2010
Even if you never go further with your boss, this can be career-damaging if you work in a small field, as this sort of thing is likely to start breeding resentment among your coworkers. You can't control his behavior** but you can try to mitigate the collateral damage this sort of thing can do to your relationship with colleagues. Every time you notice him praising you more often or more publicly, spread the credit around.
Boss: "Oh, OP, this is fabulous work, the client is going to love this. You hit it out of the park again."
You: "Thanks--I couldn't have done it without Colleague X and Y, who did most of the layout." (Preferably stated in front of colleagues X and Y.)
Making a habit of doing this will result in your coworkers thinking the weirdness and unfairness is all on his side, not yours; it will put you above any appearance of sucking up or sleeping with the boss to get ahead.
**Although the good suggestions upthread about not going drinking with the boss, not flirting, and bringing up your boyfriend more might end up changing his behavior to be more appropriate.
posted by iminurmefi at 2:03 PM on December 2, 2010
Lobster Garden, the Op wrote, "The thing is, I am attracted to him as well and am having trouble concealing it"
I'm pretty sure the OP's own words and descriptions are not in conflict with my statement that when the OP finds her boss attentions towards her attractive, she is encouraging him to continue pursuing her.
posted by jbenben at 2:24 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm pretty sure the OP's own words and descriptions are not in conflict with my statement that when the OP finds her boss attentions towards her attractive, she is encouraging him to continue pursuing her.
posted by jbenben at 2:24 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're doing a disservice to your boyfriend if you haven't brought him up to your boss in an assertive way. You are in a relationship. If you are attracted to your married boss, you need to consider that your relationship with your current SO is no longer what it was. Are you committed to stopping this relationship with your boss in its tracks now? Good. Then stop allowing your boss to engage you in what are clearly inappropriate exchanges.
And for what it's worth, you shouldn't be going out drinking with your boss anyway, regardless of what's going on here. Even if you two had strictly platonic relationship, your boss is in a position of power over you and to be going out for drinks like you're buddies is unprofessional and a recipe for disaster.
posted by patronuscharms at 3:05 PM on December 2, 2010
And for what it's worth, you shouldn't be going out drinking with your boss anyway, regardless of what's going on here. Even if you two had strictly platonic relationship, your boss is in a position of power over you and to be going out for drinks like you're buddies is unprofessional and a recipe for disaster.
posted by patronuscharms at 3:05 PM on December 2, 2010
If your internal feelings towards his behavior were correct and appropriate, your external attitude would have made this a non-issue before it even started.
I am sorry, that is bullshit.
People get sexually harassed all the time. Not being interested is not a guarantee that you will be treated appropriately by one's boss. Not being interested does not necessarily make come-ons from the boss a "non-issue."
That said, I agree that this person is handling things horribly and needs to draw some firm boundaries. Dating at work is complicated. Dating one's boss is always a terrible idea. Having an affair with one's married boss is nothing but disaster for everyone involved.
Just tell the boss that you don't think it's wise for the two of you to socialize a deux. Then STOP DOING IT.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:49 PM on December 2, 2010
I am sorry, that is bullshit.
People get sexually harassed all the time. Not being interested is not a guarantee that you will be treated appropriately by one's boss. Not being interested does not necessarily make come-ons from the boss a "non-issue."
That said, I agree that this person is handling things horribly and needs to draw some firm boundaries. Dating at work is complicated. Dating one's boss is always a terrible idea. Having an affair with one's married boss is nothing but disaster for everyone involved.
Just tell the boss that you don't think it's wise for the two of you to socialize a deux. Then STOP DOING IT.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:49 PM on December 2, 2010
On the first page the OP wrote: "How to handle possible romantic interest from my boss? (Complication: I'm interested in him too but have no desire to wreck my career or relationship.)
"
Again, the OP's own description of the situation is that she's actively participated in the creation of the situation between her and her boss because she likes him, too. In a lot of ways, the question is about how she can shift her emotions towards this guy so that things can go back to being professional between them.
-------------
OP - I'm encouraging you to look at the bigger picture here to help you re-frame your own attitude towards the situation.
He's married and flirting with someone who works for him. That's not very cool or worthy of your approval, is it? If you're having trouble seeing what I mean, imagine this guy is your brother/father/husband and flirting with a subordinate. Doesn't your perception of the flirting change when presented from this angle?
The imagination exercise is all about you getting control of what you think and feel. Once your internal attitude about this is square, you won't have to over-think every gesture or phrase while you are interacting with your boss.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:17 PM on December 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
"
Again, the OP's own description of the situation is that she's actively participated in the creation of the situation between her and her boss because she likes him, too. In a lot of ways, the question is about how she can shift her emotions towards this guy so that things can go back to being professional between them.
-------------
OP - I'm encouraging you to look at the bigger picture here to help you re-frame your own attitude towards the situation.
He's married and flirting with someone who works for him. That's not very cool or worthy of your approval, is it? If you're having trouble seeing what I mean, imagine this guy is your brother/father/husband and flirting with a subordinate. Doesn't your perception of the flirting change when presented from this angle?
The imagination exercise is all about you getting control of what you think and feel. Once your internal attitude about this is square, you won't have to over-think every gesture or phrase while you are interacting with your boss.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 4:17 PM on December 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Again, the OP's own description of the situation is that she's actively participated in the creation of the situation between her and her boss because she likes him, too.
Yes, but since we don't have a control group here, we don't know if Boss has come on to her because she's seemed interested, or if Boss is a giant sleazebag who just hits on every woman who's ever had her job. So maybe this would be a problem for her even if she'd never been interested, and it may continue to be a problem after she makes firm boundaries.
The point I am trying to make is that if Boss is a serial harasser/Lothario, an attitude adjustment on her part (which I totally agree with you, jbenben, is critically necessary) may not be enough to resolve the situation.
I hope not. I hope that she can reframe the interactions to a more appropriate professional level simply by changing her own attitudes and behaviors.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:23 PM on December 2, 2010
Yes, but since we don't have a control group here, we don't know if Boss has come on to her because she's seemed interested, or if Boss is a giant sleazebag who just hits on every woman who's ever had her job. So maybe this would be a problem for her even if she'd never been interested, and it may continue to be a problem after she makes firm boundaries.
The point I am trying to make is that if Boss is a serial harasser/Lothario, an attitude adjustment on her part (which I totally agree with you, jbenben, is critically necessary) may not be enough to resolve the situation.
I hope not. I hope that she can reframe the interactions to a more appropriate professional level simply by changing her own attitudes and behaviors.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:23 PM on December 2, 2010
I too have little advice but want to second the fact that among human beings who spend a lot of time with one another, these things can sometimes happen, and it sounds like you both are aware of the vibe without trying to take it anywhere. You're actively seeking how to stop feeling this way; good for you; don't listen to the haters (not that there really is that much hate in this thread).
What worked for me once was to heat things up with my bf and to daydream about the other person's commitment to his partner (or the people he was dating). You end up thinking of yourselves as two sexy people who kinda can't help it that there's this warm vibe, because you're both just that super-sexy, but you become peers who relate well and you have that sexy stuff happen elsewhere. It's like ... I don't know if metaphors will be at all helpful, but it's like two attorneys who work in the same office and occasionally have debatey conversations because they're just smart (or argumentative) like that, but they reserve the real debating for the courtroom; or two comedians who might joke around together because they're funny people, but they save their real official "I'm going to make you laugh now" routine for the stage. You're two people who are good at something (being sexy) but save those skills for another arena.
posted by salvia at 6:04 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
What worked for me once was to heat things up with my bf and to daydream about the other person's commitment to his partner (or the people he was dating). You end up thinking of yourselves as two sexy people who kinda can't help it that there's this warm vibe, because you're both just that super-sexy, but you become peers who relate well and you have that sexy stuff happen elsewhere. It's like ... I don't know if metaphors will be at all helpful, but it's like two attorneys who work in the same office and occasionally have debatey conversations because they're just smart (or argumentative) like that, but they reserve the real debating for the courtroom; or two comedians who might joke around together because they're funny people, but they save their real official "I'm going to make you laugh now" routine for the stage. You're two people who are good at something (being sexy) but save those skills for another arena.
posted by salvia at 6:04 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just me, but I hope there's a Holiday party coming up real soon and his wife is there. Say hello to her, even sit down and chat with her, it'll probably diffuse things rather quickly.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:11 AM on December 2 [12 favorites +] [!]
I like that suggestion from the OP's point of view teg4rvn, but I have been the wife in this scenario. I was introduced to the girl before they had cheated at a party and we hit it off. So after I learned of the affair, I was extra upset. It sort of felt like she was flaunting herself in front of me and that my husband had intentionally let me see what I was supposed to compete with. It felt creepy to think that while this girl was talking to me and pretending to be interested in what I had to say and what I was about, she was thinking about how to get into my husband's pants.
I'm not trying to slam the idea because maybe it will work. Just make extra sure that if you do chat up the wife, you never let things go too far with the husband.
posted by Cheminatrix at 9:49 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by teg4rvn at 11:11 AM on December 2 [12 favorites +] [!]
I like that suggestion from the OP's point of view teg4rvn, but I have been the wife in this scenario. I was introduced to the girl before they had cheated at a party and we hit it off. So after I learned of the affair, I was extra upset. It sort of felt like she was flaunting herself in front of me and that my husband had intentionally let me see what I was supposed to compete with. It felt creepy to think that while this girl was talking to me and pretending to be interested in what I had to say and what I was about, she was thinking about how to get into my husband's pants.
I'm not trying to slam the idea because maybe it will work. Just make extra sure that if you do chat up the wife, you never let things go too far with the husband.
posted by Cheminatrix at 9:49 PM on December 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just want to reiterate that the worst thing you can do is be the first to bring it up. When you're running a romantic dialogue in your head, it's easy to think, "oh he's just shy, he likes me more, he has more to lose, so naturally, I should bring it up first and turn him down, and then that will solve the problem and there won't be any more tiptoeing around. He's a good guy, just confused. We'll be friends, it'll work out. It'll be a relief."
No.
You need to think about this in a much colder way. A potential lover scorned is a very dangerous person, a person who can behave completely differently from their normal self. What is highly likely is that he will turn it around, throw you under the bus, abuse his plausible deniability, make you the one who came onto him, jeapordize your job unfairly, and come out looking like a rose.
Don't bring it up. Don't encourage him, but if there is to be open dialogue, force him to be the one to go there first.
posted by Nixy at 11:18 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
No.
You need to think about this in a much colder way. A potential lover scorned is a very dangerous person, a person who can behave completely differently from their normal self. What is highly likely is that he will turn it around, throw you under the bus, abuse his plausible deniability, make you the one who came onto him, jeapordize your job unfairly, and come out looking like a rose.
Don't bring it up. Don't encourage him, but if there is to be open dialogue, force him to be the one to go there first.
posted by Nixy at 11:18 PM on December 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As long as he knows you have a boyfriend you're pretty much fine unless he actually comes on to you. If that happens then make it clear to him that you love your boyfriend and have no intention of messing things up with him. If he then gets all pissed and accuses you of leading him on then be prepared to take this to HR. I suspect it won't, though; he won't want to screw up his career either.
In short, just play it cool until it blows over in some manageable way, and don't be the first one to say anything about anything.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:10 AM on December 2, 2010 [5 favorites]