What is an appropriate Christmas present for someone with (mild to moderate) dementia?
November 29, 2010 8:25 AM Subscribe
What is an appropriate Christmas present for someone with (mild to moderate) dementia?
I have always given my grandfather books for Christmas, and he's enjoyed them a lot. This year, however, it's become apparent that he's suffering from dementia: he calls my mother daily, thinking it's Thanksgiving each day, has noticeable difficulty remembering things and doesn't have a very long attention span. I'd like to still get him a little something for Christmas, but I'm not sure what can still be enjoyed, other than food and he doesn't have the biggest appetite generally. He lives in an assisted living home, so domestic items are probably not needed. What else can be enjoyed without a need for extensive short term memory?
I have always given my grandfather books for Christmas, and he's enjoyed them a lot. This year, however, it's become apparent that he's suffering from dementia: he calls my mother daily, thinking it's Thanksgiving each day, has noticeable difficulty remembering things and doesn't have a very long attention span. I'd like to still get him a little something for Christmas, but I'm not sure what can still be enjoyed, other than food and he doesn't have the biggest appetite generally. He lives in an assisted living home, so domestic items are probably not needed. What else can be enjoyed without a need for extensive short term memory?
My grandmother doesn't have dementia, but doesn't really need a lot of stuff in her assisted-care situation.
Things that are both useful and appreciated though, are things like warm sweaters or sweatshirts (with zippers, which are easier, and a bit loose so they are easy to take off and put on), warm soft socks and slippers, music if he has a CD player. And of course, photos (perhaps one of you as a child, one of the two of you together or that includes your mother).
posted by padraigin at 8:33 AM on November 29, 2010
Things that are both useful and appreciated though, are things like warm sweaters or sweatshirts (with zippers, which are easier, and a bit loose so they are easy to take off and put on), warm soft socks and slippers, music if he has a CD player. And of course, photos (perhaps one of you as a child, one of the two of you together or that includes your mother).
posted by padraigin at 8:33 AM on November 29, 2010
This year I'm getting my grandmother a gift certificate to a restaurant she enjoys, with an offer to take her there myself. She's experienced a similar decline, and I thought that an experience we could enjoy together would be more valuable to each of us than any item I could get her.
posted by mchorn at 8:34 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by mchorn at 8:34 AM on November 29, 2010
I got this awesome book for my grandma last year. She's far from having dementia, but she can easily forget that she's seen the same joke 100 times (if my email inbox is any indication). If Bent Objects' humor isn't your grandpa's cup of tea, I at least think a similar type of book (roughly a children's picture book but for adults) might be the best choice.
posted by phunniemee at 8:35 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by phunniemee at 8:35 AM on November 29, 2010
Nice pair of pajamas
posted by sandra194 at 8:38 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by sandra194 at 8:38 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
My grandma loved music. Even when she couldn't remember anyone's names or even continue sentences, she could hum along or get pleasure from people playing around her. It was also something she could enjoy with the people around her, whether they were visitors or her fellow residents.
Ask around to see what he likes. Something nostalgic from his youth or "prime" is probably best, especially catchy and easily remembered things. Patterns and things from long ago are easy to remember and can help calm him when he's upset about things related to his decline. You could also make several mix cds, although it'd probably be best to have something where he can easily find the track listing. The Time/Life sets and similar are great for this sort of thing.
(I'm sorry if this is a downer, but it's lovely that you're thinking of making him happy and comfortable!)
posted by Madamina at 8:39 AM on November 29, 2010
Ask around to see what he likes. Something nostalgic from his youth or "prime" is probably best, especially catchy and easily remembered things. Patterns and things from long ago are easy to remember and can help calm him when he's upset about things related to his decline. You could also make several mix cds, although it'd probably be best to have something where he can easily find the track listing. The Time/Life sets and similar are great for this sort of thing.
(I'm sorry if this is a downer, but it's lovely that you're thinking of making him happy and comfortable!)
posted by Madamina at 8:39 AM on November 29, 2010
A framed photo of you two?
posted by questionsandanchors at 8:43 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by questionsandanchors at 8:43 AM on November 29, 2010
My father was in assisted living with dementia . . . he seemed to have no appetite but really he had problems with swallowing and didn't want to be messy in front of others. My dad had a specific cause to his dementia that also caused swallowing difficulties, but a friend of mine told me that her elderly father had no appetite but LOVED pumpkin pie. Obviously it's not health food . . . but pumpkin is good, and the fat & sugar are good for weight gain -- and the elderly tend to develop a sweet tooth, so it may entice him when not much does. Also, the pies can be kept at room temp for a couple days since he probably doesn't have a fridge in his room? And as he keeps calling your mom about Thanksgiving, it really makes me think that he would appreciate a couple pies a week. (Plus none of the negative bowel effects that we got from sweet, fattening & safe at room-temp chocolate pudding.)
My dad was also very concerned about what time it was, and requested a digital clock/watch with really large numbers. Sometimes people with memory loss will click back in and try to use a schedule ("lunch is at noon!") to re-orient themselves. So a big digital clock?
Digital picture frame?
Appliance to listen to talk radio?
Warm slippers that don't squeeze (in case of edema later)?
Art or photography books . . .
posted by MeiraV at 8:49 AM on November 29, 2010
My dad was also very concerned about what time it was, and requested a digital clock/watch with really large numbers. Sometimes people with memory loss will click back in and try to use a schedule ("lunch is at noon!") to re-orient themselves. So a big digital clock?
Digital picture frame?
Appliance to listen to talk radio?
Warm slippers that don't squeeze (in case of edema later)?
Art or photography books . . .
posted by MeiraV at 8:49 AM on November 29, 2010
Best answer: A small album of family photos, clearly captioned with names, place names, and dates would be a thoughtful present, and a notch up from the framed photo idea. Bonus if you can organize your photos into an easy-to-follow narrative structure. Even when they were in later stages of the diseases, my relatives with dementia and Alzheimer's enjoyed looking at photos and describing (or listening to a description of) what was going on, who the people in the photos are, etc. Long-term memory stays around longer than short-term, so you might even get to hear stories about the photos that you've never heard before as you go through the album with your grandfather. The albums are also a good way for your grandfather to open up and interact more with the nursing staff and other residents at his facility as he shows the album to his friends and caretakers.
posted by Spinneret at 9:08 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Spinneret at 9:08 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Some things we've gotten for our dementia relative:
* pictures of close relatives, each in a picture frame that has an attached voice recorder, with a short message from the person in the photo ("Hi Dad, this is X and I love you.")
* varieties of warm wear, hoping one might be comfortable (he tends to take them off, so we tried sweaters of various materials, sweatshirts, and vests)
* Clothes that are easier to put on and take off, with velcro instead of buttons, etc.
* Belts, because he fiddles with his and tends to take it off and lose it, but it seems to make him happy
* A hanger for his glasses, because he also takes those off and puts them anywhere, although that didn't work out for him
* Shoes with velcro
* Recently, now that he's really not with it anymore, little single-serve cheesecakes from a local bakery. Something he can really enjoy even if he doesn't know who brought it, what it's for, nor will he remember it. He'll enjoy them when he's eating them, and that's what counts now.
posted by galadriel at 10:21 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
* pictures of close relatives, each in a picture frame that has an attached voice recorder, with a short message from the person in the photo ("Hi Dad, this is X and I love you.")
* varieties of warm wear, hoping one might be comfortable (he tends to take them off, so we tried sweaters of various materials, sweatshirts, and vests)
* Clothes that are easier to put on and take off, with velcro instead of buttons, etc.
* Belts, because he fiddles with his and tends to take it off and lose it, but it seems to make him happy
* A hanger for his glasses, because he also takes those off and puts them anywhere, although that didn't work out for him
* Shoes with velcro
* Recently, now that he's really not with it anymore, little single-serve cheesecakes from a local bakery. Something he can really enjoy even if he doesn't know who brought it, what it's for, nor will he remember it. He'll enjoy them when he's eating them, and that's what counts now.
posted by galadriel at 10:21 AM on November 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding Madamina's suggestion of music. When my beloved Mother-in-Law was in the final throes of early-onset Alzheimer's Disease, she didn't recognize her children or her husband but she remember snippets of certain songs. I remember we took her out for a picnic one afternoon, and I was sitting in the back seat of the van with her (Mr. Adams and his dad were in the front). "Put Your Hand in the Hand" came on the radio and MIL started "singing" along with it. She only knew a few words, but she said them at the proper time in the melody. She swayed in her seat and smiled. "Delta Dawn" and "An Old-Fashioned Love Song" also sparked recognition.
Although, to be honest, if you are within visiting distance that would be the most appreciated gift. Grandpa probably already has enough pajamas and dressing gowns and such, and he'll forget who gave them to him anyway. But if you came and visited with him for an hour, and encouraged him to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about, that would truly warm his heart and soothe him.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:29 AM on November 29, 2010
Although, to be honest, if you are within visiting distance that would be the most appreciated gift. Grandpa probably already has enough pajamas and dressing gowns and such, and he'll forget who gave them to him anyway. But if you came and visited with him for an hour, and encouraged him to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about, that would truly warm his heart and soothe him.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:29 AM on November 29, 2010
Oh, and perhaps this is tangential, but I think the greatest gift we could give him at any stage was to play along with the dementia as long as it wasn't endangering him. So rather than contradict him on anything, we'd agree with him, reassure him if something was worrying him ("What about that thing we were supposed to pick up?" "Oh, yeah, I picked it up on the way. It's right here. No problem.") Of course, some of the fantasies would have led to dangerous situations, so those always required something different (like trying to distract him and hope he forgot, or act more directly).
So, for example, where he's calling about Thanksgiving, it's really tempting to get tired of that sort of thing and try to tell him, "It's not Thanksgiving. You're doing this every day." It takes a LOT of patience to not get irritable, to play along, to keep from trying to correct the fantasy. But correcting it won't *help*; they won't remember. Someone losing themselves to dementia does know there's something wrong, and getting constant corrections will just make the fear worse, even if they don't remember the corrections. I really do think the kindest thing we've given our dementia relative was to try to discard any tendencies to insert real-world into fantasy--again, as long as it wasn't endangering him.
posted by galadriel at 10:40 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
So, for example, where he's calling about Thanksgiving, it's really tempting to get tired of that sort of thing and try to tell him, "It's not Thanksgiving. You're doing this every day." It takes a LOT of patience to not get irritable, to play along, to keep from trying to correct the fantasy. But correcting it won't *help*; they won't remember. Someone losing themselves to dementia does know there's something wrong, and getting constant corrections will just make the fear worse, even if they don't remember the corrections. I really do think the kindest thing we've given our dementia relative was to try to discard any tendencies to insert real-world into fantasy--again, as long as it wasn't endangering him.
posted by galadriel at 10:40 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
We made a custom calendar with family photos for my husband's grandmother that was a big hit. Even after the year in question was over, my mother-in-law could use it to point out who Grandma was talking to on the phone, so it was really useful.
posted by bq at 11:53 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by bq at 11:53 AM on November 29, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the suggestions - as a knitter the warm clothing idea (especially slippers) sounds possible and I'm going to suggest the photo album one to my mom and sister as something we could do together (as they have many more family photos than I do).
As he lives in the US and the rest of the family is in Canada, we're not seeing the changes every day - I generally see him 2 or 3 times a year.
This is a totally new situation for me, so thanks again for the inspiration!
posted by Kurichina at 11:58 AM on November 29, 2010
As he lives in the US and the rest of the family is in Canada, we're not seeing the changes every day - I generally see him 2 or 3 times a year.
This is a totally new situation for me, so thanks again for the inspiration!
posted by Kurichina at 11:58 AM on November 29, 2010
When my aunt was losing her memory, she loved the music of her youth, in her case swing music. She had been in banking, and someone at the nursing home gave her a ledger book and some outdated checks, and she kept herself busy and happy going through the motions of balancing a checkbook.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on November 29, 2010
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on November 29, 2010
My grandfather had dementia, with short term memory loss. I used to visit from college, and I would get him to talking about his experiences as a coal miner. He have great, long detailed stories to tell; my mother was flabbergasted that I could spend an hour having a coherent conversation with him when he couldn't remember that he just had lunch. Now I realize I was accessing his long term memory when mom could not access his short term memory. So, if it were my grandpa, I would give him some pictures or some objects from his past labor, to remind him of his previous occupation or interest.
posted by effluvia at 3:19 PM on November 29, 2010
posted by effluvia at 3:19 PM on November 29, 2010
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posted by hasna at 8:31 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]