Unplugging and reconnecting
November 27, 2010 9:14 AM   Subscribe

Wando the Reliable has carried me through multiple relationships and alone times, but I think it's time. Help me break up with my Hitachi Magic Wand.

My plug-in friend has been there for years, and gets used not-quite-daily. I'll spare you the sexual baggage associated with the vibe, except to say that my first sexual partner gave me the idea that I was Difficult in the Orgasm Department, and in subsequent relationships, the wand has been an accepted third party. I've been solo for a while, although I've met someone awesome who likes to camp and who likes me, and that would be a ridiculously long extension cord.

I've seen comments on AskMe that suggest getting rid of the vibe as part of dealing with self-described orgasmic problems. My questions are these: How? Is there a known regimen, or is it just pitching the thing into the trash? Do I need to start over with Masturbation 101?

If you'd rather write privately, memail is always welcome.
posted by sphallolalia to Human Relations (10 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
I think you basically have to start over. It's a frustrating (ha!) process. Your goal is to teach yourself that you can orgasm without Wando. This, tragically, requires No Wando. A moratorium on the laying on of hands (yours or anyone else's) will help ramp up the need and ramp down the required stimulation.

You can try less power and/or more more diffuse attachments but that doesn't really solve the issue you want to resolve. An alternative is to downgrade as a sort of weaning approach. The Hitachi is a serious, mains-powered vibe. (Attach a whisk to it and you can use that thing to whip eggwhites.) You can switch to a battery-powered vibe and bring it in far later in the game; you may eventually find it easier to trip the switch with your hands if you're acclimated to less and later stimulation from a source not named Wando. I think there's a large psychological factor that comes into play here, and that if what you want to do is go Wand-less, you really need to not be using the wand, regardless.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:55 AM on November 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Why do you want to get rid of it? The only thing you mention is going camping. Surely you don't go camping so often that you can't endure some orgasm-less camping play. Or try a battery operated vibe. You also mention some vague sexual baggage, but apparently it hasn't been so bad that you couldn't carry it from relationship to relationship. If that's really a problem, just get another high quality vibe.

I'm not sure how difficult it is for you to orgasm with hands only -- you mentioned a partner said it was difficult, but if that partner was a dude, it may have been perfectly normal and just seemed long to him. That is to say, I really don't know if it's hard for you to do or not.

But I say if ain't broke, don't fix it.
posted by unannihilated at 10:04 AM on November 27, 2010


If you want to get rid of your vibrator, just toss it. You could also try putting it in a box under your bed or in the back of a drawer -- take a hitatchi hiatus rather than a full-on breakup. If you're the sort of person who finds value in symbolic actions, you can also try writing a breakup letter to Wando.

But... what is the problem you're trying to solve, here? Is it to remove some emotional attachment to the vibrator? If so, maybe tossing it *is* the right thing to do. Is the problem just straight-up "I can't orgasm without it"? Then you don't necessarily need to get rid of it beyond putting it somewhere else. (If you're worried about temptation, put it somewhere that's annoying to get to if you're in bed.) Is the problem *a* vibrator or *this specific* vibrator?
posted by rmd1023 at 10:40 AM on November 27, 2010


Response by poster: The immediate problem is that I can't come without it; mouth/tongue contact is too diffuse, and finger pressure is simply not as stimulating as the hardcore wall-powered vibe. After 30-45 minutes, I start to feel frustrated and defective because I'm nowhere near coming. I can't remember the last time I succeeded in orgasm without the vibe (and I'm nearly 40). That's why my question is about stopping use and, hopefully, retraining myself to come from gentler stimulation.

The larger issue, which I'm working on in therapy, is that I - and my ex-partners - fell into patterns of using the vibe as a proxy for actual communication and touch. Realizing this made me sad, and every time I use the vibe now, I am caught up in an fight between just fucking wanting to come and stifling the emotions that come up. Like I said, that's being worked on - but even though I know it would work faster if I threw Wando in the trash, I'm nervous.
posted by sphallolalia at 10:57 AM on November 27, 2010


Try using the vibe less, and adding in more mouth/finger action. Don't get rid of the vibe completely, but spend a few minutes with the wand and then use yours/SOs fingers to stimulate you. Mix it up a bit. Try a gentler powered vibe instead.

Also, if you want to get rid of the wand completely, stop giving it a name. You're personalising it. It's no wonder you can't let go of it very easily.

It might be that you need lots of that kind of stimulation to reach orgasm, but then again it might not. Did you ever achieve orgasm before getting the vibe?
posted by Solomon at 11:26 AM on November 27, 2010


Best answer: sphallolaliaPoster: The immediate problem is that I can't come without it; mouth/tongue contact is too diffuse, and finger pressure is simply not as stimulating as the hardcore wall-powered vibe. After 30-45 minutes, I start to feel frustrated and defective because I'm nowhere near coming.

I would go with ramping down, then, using a battery operated vibrator after a long break from self and partners. Desperation is very effective.

I can't remember the last time I succeeded in orgasm without the vibe (and I'm nearly 40). That's why my question is about stopping use and, hopefully, retraining myself to come from gentler stimulation... but even though I know it would work faster if I threw Wando in the trash, I'm nervous

Well yeah, I'm sorry about that, but this is going to be a difficult transition. If you're asking if there's anything you can do to make is seamless, the answer IMHO is a big fat no.

If you have never been able to orgasm without it, you may be one of the women who just needs assistance and that's totally OK. But probably you can move to camping-friendly sources. If you have been able to orgasm on your own, than you very likely can do so again, though I would add that learning to do that with a partner is often another learning curve altogether.

stop giving it a name. You're personalising it. It's no wonder you can't let go of it very easily.

Giving it a name doesn't make any difference. It's a personal thing by definition. The reason it's hard to let go of isn't that it has a name; it's that it makes something a lot of women struggle mightily with suddenly easy and rewarding. For a lot of women, the HMW is literally magic. It's hard to give up your unicorn as a steed because you think walking might be better for you.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:48 AM on November 27, 2010 [3 favorites]


Have you tried using toys besides the vibrator on solo excursions?
posted by rmd1023 at 12:05 PM on November 27, 2010


Best answer: You might try getting acclimated to a different kind of vibe, one that runs on batteries and is small enough to be used on your clit while you are actually having intercourse. After years of being able to come fairly reliably just from girl-on-top I started finding it more and more difficult to have orgasms that way. Putting a little vibrating egg* against my clit while I'm on top has improved my satisfaction level something like one thousand percent.

I've also had success with a slim, long-handled vibe with an egg-shaped head... the handle made it easy to hold the vibe in exactly the right spot, which would be very helpful if you find the egg has a tendency to get dislodged (it doesn't for me, but I can imagine that a slim woman or someone who likes to bounce more than grind might find the handle necessary.)

As for how to wean yourself off the Hitachi, one method you might try is to use the Hitachi to get you very close to orgasm, then see if you can use your fingers to get you over the edge. Gradually start taking the Hitachi out of play earlier and earlier, and maybe at some point replace it with a battery-operated vibe. At some point you may decide to dump the vibe entirely, or maybe you'll be happy with the new vibe and will feel better about including it in your partner sex.

I swear I do not own stock in the little vibrating egg company, never mind that I seem to mention it in every single thread about sex...
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:29 PM on November 27, 2010


Best answer: I think what might help is some of the common advice for psychologically based impotence for guys, and I'm trying to remember the things Dan Savage tells guys who are trying to retrain from "death grip" masturbation so they can come more easily during intercourse, too. First, yeah, get rid of the vibe. Don't be too sad; worst case, you can always buy a new one. Then - most important - relax. Relax. Enjoy the sensual pleasure you share with your partner and try not to be goal-focused as you let your body retrain itself and adjust to different types of stimulation. I wouldn't try battery powered or other kinds of vibrators, I think that would just lead to frustration. Don't forget lube. Try pampering yourself and luxuriating in sensation all over. Maybe do some reading - Betty Dodson type, though erotica might not be the worst idea either. She has a lot of really helpful info here: http://dodsonandross.com too.
posted by lemniskate at 6:04 PM on November 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


"and I'm trying to remember the things Dan Savage tells guys who are trying to retrain from "death grip" masturbation..."

penises are NOT vaginas. they work differently. i have NEVER heard him say that for a woman who has difficulty climaxing, there is anything much that can be done. and it's not like throttling her clit through masturbation resulted in the lack of sensitivity in the first place...

I'm in your camp, sphallolalia. i didn't have my first orgasm until I bought my first vibrator, and i haven't come without one since. Some women just need additional stimulation...there's no shame in being 'difficult' (though lord knows I know men who have gotten pissy about it.) if you can't bring the hitachi with you, get a smaller egg-shaped vibe for camping. Unfortunately, in my experience, you can't really train your vagina to get by with less than it needs.
posted by custard heart at 8:27 AM on November 29, 2010


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