Am I ready to date seriously?
November 25, 2010 9:18 PM Subscribe
Relationship filter!. So within the last 6 months I seperated from a partner of 5+ years. I met someone online through a dating website. What should I ask her?
So i finally went out on a date for the first time since ending a long relationship in June. We had met on an online dating site and over the last few weeks have gotten pretty comfortable through telephone calls and e-mails. So the date went fine and we even got intimate to a degree. We have a second date planned as well. I foresee that if that also goes well that we might be well along the road to becoming a couple. Problem is I don't know for sure if that is what I want! I don't know if this is the right person with whom to invest time for that purpose. Are there any resources that are available to help decide: A) whether I am ready to be in another relationship. B) what to ask a potential partner beforehand in hopes of determining our compatibility? I would also be interested in any personal experiences of how you decided if you were ready to be in a relationship with a person. Were there any questions you felt you needed answered first? Are there any questions you wished you had asked? Any question you asked of yourself to determine if you were ready? I don't want to waste anyone's time but also I don't want to let a good thing pass by because of lack of vision. Any advice for poor pitiful me? Thanks in advance.
So i finally went out on a date for the first time since ending a long relationship in June. We had met on an online dating site and over the last few weeks have gotten pretty comfortable through telephone calls and e-mails. So the date went fine and we even got intimate to a degree. We have a second date planned as well. I foresee that if that also goes well that we might be well along the road to becoming a couple. Problem is I don't know for sure if that is what I want! I don't know if this is the right person with whom to invest time for that purpose. Are there any resources that are available to help decide: A) whether I am ready to be in another relationship. B) what to ask a potential partner beforehand in hopes of determining our compatibility? I would also be interested in any personal experiences of how you decided if you were ready to be in a relationship with a person. Were there any questions you felt you needed answered first? Are there any questions you wished you had asked? Any question you asked of yourself to determine if you were ready? I don't want to waste anyone's time but also I don't want to let a good thing pass by because of lack of vision. Any advice for poor pitiful me? Thanks in advance.
You're not ready. You will never be ready. So just follow spacefire's advice instead.
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:04 PM on November 25, 2010
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:04 PM on November 25, 2010
Were there any questions you felt you needed answered first? Are there any questions you wished you had asked? Any question you asked of yourself to determine if you were ready?
These questions will answer themselves. Keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy it. Relax. This woman? Yeah, she's not gonna suddenly rip off her mask and go BWAH HA HA I'M HER AGAIN and then eat your face. Really. She just wants to have dinner and drinks with a nice, smart guy and see where it goes. She's not there for an interview. What you need to know about her you'll learn about her by spending time with her. Relax. Have fun. Treat her right.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:07 PM on November 25, 2010 [11 favorites]
These questions will answer themselves. Keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy it. Relax. This woman? Yeah, she's not gonna suddenly rip off her mask and go BWAH HA HA I'M HER AGAIN and then eat your face. Really. She just wants to have dinner and drinks with a nice, smart guy and see where it goes. She's not there for an interview. What you need to know about her you'll learn about her by spending time with her. Relax. Have fun. Treat her right.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:07 PM on November 25, 2010 [11 favorites]
Sounds like it took a long time for you to figure out your last partner was not the 'one'. Now you are gun shy & afraid to make the same mistake again. The beauty of your last relationship is that you will now know when it feels right. 'Enjoy' your new courtship. Remember, she is testing you out as much as you are her.....chill out a little.
posted by sequin at 10:13 PM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by sequin at 10:13 PM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
At this stage I would assume you're "ready to date seriously." You might as well keep going with it as long as you're comfortable. There's no rule about how long you have to wait after a breakup, and 6 months sounds like plenty.
As for questions to ask to decide if you're compatible, that's really personal. So I don't know if it'd be that useful to list the questions I would ask. You might care a lot about religious views, or intellectual interests, or liking the same music, or sexual compatibility... Any of those issues is going to be extremely important to some people, but insignificant to others. Some people carefully avoid discussing hot topics like politics and religion till after the 2nd date, so you could bring up those issues — but again, I have no idea if politics or religion is a major compatibility factor for you.
If you're having a discussion with a subtext of "How compatible are we?," often the most important issue is not how similar your opinions or preferences are, but how much importance each of you places on the general thing you're talking about. For instance, finding out whether she's religious, or what her religion is, will often be less important than finding out how big a role religion has in her life. (I'm just using "religion" as a random example; the same principle applies to all sorts of issues.)
Once I've looked at someone's OKCupid profile (remember to compare those multiple-choice answers!), we've gone on 1 date, and I like her enough to want to go on a 2nd date, I usually don't have a long list of questions I need answered before I decide if a relationship would be a good idea. By that point, I'll usually know we have a basic level of compatibility. It's not that I'll be able to say for sure, "Yes, a relationship with her would be a great idea." But if there are compatibility issues I still need to look at, I'm not too concerned with solving them through a Q&A on the 2nd date. I just try to be generally open/honest and have a good time, and hopefully any significant issues will come up sooner or later.
posted by John Cohen at 10:24 PM on November 25, 2010
As for questions to ask to decide if you're compatible, that's really personal. So I don't know if it'd be that useful to list the questions I would ask. You might care a lot about religious views, or intellectual interests, or liking the same music, or sexual compatibility... Any of those issues is going to be extremely important to some people, but insignificant to others. Some people carefully avoid discussing hot topics like politics and religion till after the 2nd date, so you could bring up those issues — but again, I have no idea if politics or religion is a major compatibility factor for you.
If you're having a discussion with a subtext of "How compatible are we?," often the most important issue is not how similar your opinions or preferences are, but how much importance each of you places on the general thing you're talking about. For instance, finding out whether she's religious, or what her religion is, will often be less important than finding out how big a role religion has in her life. (I'm just using "religion" as a random example; the same principle applies to all sorts of issues.)
Once I've looked at someone's OKCupid profile (remember to compare those multiple-choice answers!), we've gone on 1 date, and I like her enough to want to go on a 2nd date, I usually don't have a long list of questions I need answered before I decide if a relationship would be a good idea. By that point, I'll usually know we have a basic level of compatibility. It's not that I'll be able to say for sure, "Yes, a relationship with her would be a great idea." But if there are compatibility issues I still need to look at, I'm not too concerned with solving them through a Q&A on the 2nd date. I just try to be generally open/honest and have a good time, and hopefully any significant issues will come up sooner or later.
posted by John Cohen at 10:24 PM on November 25, 2010
Some people carefully avoid discussing hot topics like politics and religion till after the 2nd date
Sorry, I meant "till the 2nd date." Or whenever.
posted by John Cohen at 10:26 PM on November 25, 2010
Sorry, I meant "till the 2nd date." Or whenever.
posted by John Cohen at 10:26 PM on November 25, 2010
I ended my 5+ year relationship in March of this year and although it felt strange at first, I put up an online profile on OKC soon thereafter just to get an idea of what the dating scene was like in my area since I'd been so out of practice for awhile. I met an awesome man (who I'm currently with now) the first week of May and we went on our first date. Of course this is all anecdotal, but I wanted to chime in here to say that most importantly, don't let anyone (including yourself) make you feel guilty for going on dates or becoming interested in someone if it feels like the right thing to do even if you or they think too little time has past for it to make sense. I've had friends of mine who hadn't begun dating again until a year after their LTR ended, but only you truly know when you're ready. Just take things as fast or slow as you'd like them to go and openly communicate these wishes with your new partner. Good luck!
posted by Asherah at 1:48 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Asherah at 1:48 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're asking how to know. What that implies is that you're having a hard time listening to yourself. Realize though that the number one thing is to listen to yourself- to fine hone your intuition. The way you do that is that you pay attention to all the little emotions and thoughts that come up in you. You don't ignore any of them. You notice them and you ask yourself what you think they mean or what they're telling you. They are manifestations of subconscious assessing the situation, the other person, and everything else. None of them are wrong. They are all just information. It's really the most fundamental thing you can work on improving. It is unbelievably important for avoiding mistakes, picking what's right for you and then ultimately actually being present to enjoy it. If you look on amazon there are many books with exercises on increasing your intuition.
Independently, two dates is enough to know if you don't want a relationship with someone, but no where near enough information to know if you do. Like the other posters said keep dating, try to enjoy it and listen to what your intuition tells you.
posted by blueyellow at 6:37 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Independently, two dates is enough to know if you don't want a relationship with someone, but no where near enough information to know if you do. Like the other posters said keep dating, try to enjoy it and listen to what your intuition tells you.
posted by blueyellow at 6:37 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Two good dates is not a relationship, especially when you're online dating, where most people are presumably going on dates with lots of people. I don't think there's anything you can ask her -- keep going on dates, and if you guys still like each other down the line, and if you've kept an eye out for red flags and haven't noticed any, great, keep dating her!
posted by J. Wilson at 7:34 AM on November 26, 2010
posted by J. Wilson at 7:34 AM on November 26, 2010
I don't think there's a test you can apply or a method you can use to see if this is the person for you (I think we all wish there were, though!) I think you should just relax, take things slow, and let things unfold they way they will. That said, though, you never know what will happen. When I met my boyfriend, we were both on the rebound--his wife had moved out two months before and my sleazy quasi-boyfriend had disappeared six weeks before. It was the "wrong" time for us, according to all the rules, but we immediately knew we had something special together (that was 2 1/2 years ago and things are great). I would still recommend to anyone on the rebound that they be cautious about rushing into something just to ease their loneliness and distract them from their pain; however, I also think it's monumentally foolish to NOT get involved with someone just because x amount of time hasn't passed. Be aware of what your sore spots are because of your past relationship(s)--e.g., mine is seeing rejection everywhere, his is a feeling that he has to provide everything I want so that I won't leave him--and work on keeping yourself from just REACTING to things in the way you've been trained to.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 12:04 PM on November 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 12:04 PM on November 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Naturally, you don't want to make a mistake. You don't know each other very well, so there's plenty of uncertainty. Try to just take it day-by-day. Get to know her gradually while you do things together. If you enjoy each other's company, just keep seeing each other.
See if you can let intuition and gut feelings be your guide. That can be hard for someone (like me) who thinks about things so much that the intuitive voice sometimes gets drowned out. If you feel some doubts or notice things you don't like, definitely don't ignore them. Talk about them if you can.
It's scary to realize that, if all goes well, you could end up in a relationship and not know how things will play out. That's just the nature of these things. Treat her as you would like to be treated, and expect her to do the same for you, and you'll either have a nice relationship, or you'll realize it's not quite right and move on.
posted by wryly at 12:30 PM on November 26, 2010
See if you can let intuition and gut feelings be your guide. That can be hard for someone (like me) who thinks about things so much that the intuitive voice sometimes gets drowned out. If you feel some doubts or notice things you don't like, definitely don't ignore them. Talk about them if you can.
It's scary to realize that, if all goes well, you could end up in a relationship and not know how things will play out. That's just the nature of these things. Treat her as you would like to be treated, and expect her to do the same for you, and you'll either have a nice relationship, or you'll realize it's not quite right and move on.
posted by wryly at 12:30 PM on November 26, 2010
Mac or Windows.
posted by raf at 2:22 PM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by raf at 2:22 PM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you, for all your responses and advice. I think y'all are probably correct I am gun-shy and worrying about making a mistake. I should probably just chill out and take it day by day. I think I have a pretty good grasp on what might be dealbreakers for me as far as a compatibility for marriage, but was more curious as to what may seem big but as far as a dating relationship really is not a dealbreaker. To compound my situation I have only recently begun treatment for Depression. I believe my entire last relationship (1st of any significance) was spent probably under undiagnosed Depression. As a result not only do I have a hard time trusting my gut as far as a relationship but with any of my thoughts really. The treatment makes me feel like I think and feel and act differently, and leaves me distrusting my past decision making etc.
I recognize the need to take things slow and I am certainly not pushing for a relationship, but also would like to be clear about my thoughts and feelings when/if that bridge is approached. In the past I have probably held on to relationships (gave false hope?) longer than I probably should of because I don't like hurting someone who cares for me even a little bit so I probably commit too early. I don't want that to happen again and 5 years down the road realize it was not the right person.
Thank you everyone for your advice I appreciate it and will take it to heart!
posted by Cainaan777 at 4:15 PM on November 26, 2010
I recognize the need to take things slow and I am certainly not pushing for a relationship, but also would like to be clear about my thoughts and feelings when/if that bridge is approached. In the past I have probably held on to relationships (gave false hope?) longer than I probably should of because I don't like hurting someone who cares for me even a little bit so I probably commit too early. I don't want that to happen again and 5 years down the road realize it was not the right person.
Thank you everyone for your advice I appreciate it and will take it to heart!
posted by Cainaan777 at 4:15 PM on November 26, 2010
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posted by spacefire at 9:25 PM on November 25, 2010 [4 favorites]