Oh, you don't need to stay for Christmas. Really...

November 25, 2010 9:33 AM

How can I deal with Dad's sudden, one-sided announcement that his marriage to my mother is ending because he "reconnected" with his high school girlfriend?

I wrote this question a couple of years ago, for background. Since then, my pops was allowed to move back into the house and he worked for a little while. His criminal case is still not resolved, though hopefully will be by Christmas. He's continued to drink and gamble (my mom is in the process of filing bankruptcy and foreclosing the home; he bought a new car month ago). The other day, my siblings and I received an email where my dad told us he was moving back to Canada (we live in the southern US) after Christmas because he was in love with some lady he apparently dated in high school. I immediately called my mom to ask her about it, and it was news to her that he was leaving. Emotionally, she seemed unresponsive and said that she'd planned to wait until his trial was over.

I am totally shocked. My mom has been basically letting him lick his wounds the last two years (no pressure to work, letting him gamble, letting him berate an criticize us - especially me for my failure to have children to love him) and has continued to host family dinners and holidays and birthdays and babysit for their three grandkids. I'm angry and my first thought was to simply reply to him with "ok, bye."

As glad as I am that this man (who is not the same person who raised me) who treats my mom like shit is getting himself gone, I don't know how to truly support her. I doubt she'd want to hear me say "Eff that guy!" when she still considers him my father.

My question is kind of two-fold:
1. Am I jumping the gun in wanting to cut off contact with my dad? (I honestly debated asking him to not bother waiting until after the holidays)
2. What can I do for my mom? This woman is so selfless and does not deserve this at all.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

That sucks.

I don't know what to say about your dad- our parents almost never turn out to be the people we think raised us, but it is hard to say whether it is because they changed or we did. Probably both. I'm always loathe to hear about communication cut offs, because that is usually more destructive than whatever started it. (Barring violence, of course.) It probably feels good to punish someone who has hurt us, but I think that doing that punishes ourselves just as much. It perpetuates the story that the bad guy is the bad guy- when they try to reach out and get rejected, they see even less reason to reform. Accepting that a loved one has changed does not have to mean that you approve or will enable them.

For your mom, just go with her cues. If she wants to feel bad, feel bad with her. if she wants to plug along like nothing is happening, let her. Maybe she's hiding her hurt, maybe she isn't. Allow her to react to her feelings the way she wants to, not the way that will make you feel better. Hard to do, but that's the best way to support her.
posted by gjc at 9:42 AM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Maybe your mom is relieved to (perhaps) be finally done with this boat anchor.
posted by notsnot at 9:54 AM on November 25, 2010 [13 favorites]

I wouldn't blame you for also feeling kind of angry that your mom didn't stick up for herself more. I don't know if that's what you feel but it sounds a bit like it. It's understandable, but try and see her as a separate person, protecting herself as well as she could.

Because life is hard, and we all deal with it differently. This is how your mom dealt with it.
Now do nice things for your mom, things you know she appreciates. Maybe something where you get to spend time with her, like driving her some place.
If she isn't a wordy kind of person she'll appreciate gestures even more. Tell her you're here for her and will be in the future. Offer concrete things to make it easier (asking what you can do to help will probably be too vague).
Don't talk shit about your dad, and even if she wants to vent, let her vent but don't go overboard with venting, yourself.

Whether you cut off contact with your dad depends on whether you want to not see him anymore. That's all there is to it. Don't do it to punish him, do it if you really don't want him in your life anymore. I don't suppose you'll have to celebrate Christmas with him??

Also *hugs*.
Make sure you have someone to vent to, yourself.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:56 AM on November 25, 2010

Emotionally, she seemed unresponsive and said that she'd planned to wait until his trial was over.
Sounds like she was already planning to leave or kick him out but was waiting until the trial was over first. While him planning to leave without tell her was probably a surprise it doesn't sound like its an unwelcome one.

Of course the fact that he hasn't told your mum about it makes me suspect that his intent is not entirely genuine. Maybe its a ploy for attention or maybe he's just losing his marbles.
posted by missmagenta at 10:00 AM on November 25, 2010 [3 favorites]

I have no idea about question 1.

Question 2: Ask her.

Ask her how she feels about it all, ask her what you can do to be supportive.

Reassure her that she was a great mom, that you think she doesn't deserve all this.

If you like, tell her you feel really angry at your Dad or that you feel relieved that he is gone or that you don't know what to do for the best. Tell her you feel like cutting off all contact and you're in two minds about whether to do so or not.

Give your Mom a hug.
posted by emilyw at 10:01 AM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wow. As much as I can assume you're angry, showing that to your mom is probably not what she needs. Be there for her, lots of hugs, and let her talk about it, wait to see what she's feeling first. If she still has some attachment to this man it will be hurtful to her if you speak harshly about him, and that's not what she needs right now.
posted by seagull.apollo at 10:42 AM on November 25, 2010

First of all, you and your mother are two separate people. It is categorically unfair to presume that you share and react to the same thing in the same way. Do you want to cut off contact with your father because in your mind that is what will heal the wounds he's inflicted over a lifetime of knowing him? Then go for it. You are doing something for you that YOU need. You first.

Then, talk to your Mom. You could say, "Mom, I imagine you don't want to talk about this, but I need your help so I can understand how we as a unit are going to move forward after this announcement from my father. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and I want you to know that, in no uncertain terms, I do not approve or support what he's done and that I am very, very angry with him. My primary concern, though, is you. I am worried about you, and I want to be able to support you in any way. How can we work through this together?"

Then, perhaps suggest some counseling for your mom, and offer to go with her if you are emotionally available for such a thing. If it were me in her place, I'd have an obscene amount of shit to wallow through and having someone professional and objective at your side can be so, so vital to healing and moving forward.

Damn. What an insane situation. Good luck. :(
posted by patronuscharms at 1:15 PM on November 25, 2010

What is it you want? Do you want him to stay? Because you seem angry he's leaving, but at the same time want him to leave sooner rather than later.

Really, I think you need to figure out what it is you actually want to have happen before you can figure out your reaction or what you want to do about that.

Likewise, the best thing you can do for your mom is ask her what she needs and do your best to give it to her.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:17 PM on November 25, 2010

You don't have to make a big decision about your dad right now. I suggest just not replying to his email. My guess is that his situation will keep changing from week to week or month to month. At some point you might want to tell him how you feel but since it probably won't make any difference in his behavior,you might as well wait until you know how things turn out.

In terms of your mother, the best way to support her is to keep your feelings out of the picture for now and just be there is listen to her and accept whatever it is she is feeling at the moment (and her feelings will certainly change over time, maybe even from minute to minute) If you bad mouth your father while she still has (mixed) feelings for him, it will push her to defend him. If you just let her talk, then she express both sides of her feelings with your support. By the way, accept means that you acknowledge that what she says she feels is what she feels - you don't have to agree.
posted by metahawk at 1:32 PM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

I completely agree with metahawk. you have the whole rest of your life to completely cut your father off, there's no reason to do it quickly or on a whim. If he asks you directly what you think of his plans, sure, tell him. If not, just wait him out and be there for your mom. Your father sounds emotionally exhausting, and she may just be so completely used up that she doesn't know how she feels, or if she feels anything at this point. And that's ok. Whatever she's feeling is ok, and that's the best thing you can convey to her.
posted by lemniskate at 2:58 PM on November 25, 2010

I think it's totally reasonable if you don't want to have anything to do with your dad for a while. You don't have to make any irreversible decisions now, and shouldn't, while you're in such shock.

I really wouldn't do anything in the same quadrant as throwing your mother a party, or anything remotely celebratory, because that would be like celebrating a death. Even if she asked for a party, she and you - and others in your social circle - would look back on it with shame.

I would do as metahawk said in terms of supporting her. Accept her thoughts and feelings however she wants to express them, and let her take the lead.
posted by tel3path at 3:09 PM on November 25, 2010

Your Dad's had a pretty rough few years too, being charged with a crime he didn't commit, probably jailed for at least a short time, dealing with cops and lawyers, losing his livelihood and reputation, moving out, losing all his retirement money, developing a drinking problem, your mother disengaging from him emotionally and both of them having to deal with you and your sisters needs (you said your sister was in recovery so I take it there was an addiction problem there on top of the divorce and her moving home and the financial support?). I think cutting him a little slack and being compassionate is in order.
posted by fshgrl at 3:46 PM on November 25, 2010

I have to agree with fshgrl. I'm sure it's difficult for you right now, and you have plenty of good reasons to be angry, but in the long run, treating people compassionately will be better for all involved. It will help you, it will help your mom, and sure, it will also help your dad, but that's not a bad thing. Acting on anger will just continue a cycle of pain. It gives everybody an excuse to be more poorly behaved. If you cut your dad off, what reason does he have to reform? How will your mom heal will you reminding her (by your actions) of how horrible it all was?
posted by yeolcoatl at 10:16 PM on November 25, 2010

My guess: Your mom would probably not want you to make any kind of symbolic/supportive gesture against your father such as telling him not to wait until after the holidays, or telling him not to contact you any more or whatever . . . because I bet she's simply exhausted with the drama and the insanity, and further clashes between kids and dad, no matter how well meant toward your mom, is simply going to be more for her to somehow deal with emotionally (or struggle to wall off, as in "survival mode").

Further guessing: I bet she's already decided that after his trial, she's outta there; perhaps she's made this clear to him already, and his big announcement is a sort of preemptive breaking-up-with-her-before-she-breaks-up-with-him thing. She seems to have chosen to support him through the worst of the worst concerning his personality change, his addictions, and the trial, but her response seems to suggest that she's had an end-date in mind. She is perhaps holding herself together by sheer will and waiting for her "release" to exhale. If so, she probably won't want deep/probing/emotional conversations about this, or even overly supportive behavior (in an elephant-in-the-room sense), at this time, because that can make it even harder to sustain the emotional willpower to just get through what is hopefully the last leg of this miserable period.

I am close to your mom's age, and I have to say that she's a better woman than I am. I don't think that I could so stoically deal with the worst part of this, which, to me, would be the total loss of control over nearly her entire life situation. I would be having daily panic attacks! I bet her job (being able to escape the home scene for a couple of days a week) has helped her to cope, and I hope she has supportive friends that she talks to. If all goes well, and your mother and father separate/divorce, I think that anything you can do to help her feel in control of her own life will be the very best response. She probably craves sanity, peace, and agency. Don't try to handle things for her, because she won't want to feel that she is somehow damaged and weak as a result of all this, but help her to feel strong and in charge of her life. A little environmental serenity would probably be a great thing; the luxury of being able to live on her own terms without some crazy shit coming down the pike might be a little slice of heaven.

/ALL PURE GUESSWORK! you must evaluate how much any of this may (or may not!) apply to your mom. Good luck to all of you; I wish you much, much better days to come.
posted by taz at 12:43 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wow! I think your whole family is going to be suffering from PTSD for a while.

I'd bet that "reconnecting" with his high school girlfriend is just another means of escape for your Dad, just like drinking and gambling. It must be comforting to be with someone who only knows his side of it all (or maybe none of it) and isn't judging him; it may also be a complete fantasy because reading this aspect into small exchanges (Facebook, anyone?) feels so good. This "relationship" will probably run its course when this function isn't necessary anymore... (and if your father knows that deep down it could explain why he hasn't informed your mother) but that may take ten years since your Dad's had a lot of trauma and needs to justify his behavior to himself and to his family.

Re: your Mom, she's obviously had a rough time too and may simply need to move on from the common denominator. I agree with the idea that she's had an end-date in mind; think Scarlet O'Hara telling herself, "I'll think about that later, when I can stand it." Help your mother find a place to make a safe happy home and practice loving kindness. Give her little ways to forget about the entire mess and take a break from the drama.

Intuition/concern: watch out for your sister's well-being. She may be feeling immense guilt at having exposed the family to her loathesome ex and may take too much responsibility on board even though some of your father's issues clearly predated her marriage. She's also vulnerable to getting blamed by people both inside and outside of your family.
posted by carmicha at 6:13 AM on November 26, 2010