How do I break up with him?

November 23, 2010 8:57 AM

It's my first time initiating a break up, and I'd like to do it in a way that is most humane to both him and me. Details inside.

We've been dating for about six months. When we met we lived in the same city, but after a few months I moved away, and we decided to try the long distance thing (in retrospect, I probably pushed for it because I felt lonely and adrift in a new place, and now I regret it). Since the move we've seen each other for weekends about twice a month.

I really like him, and we have good times together, but I know now 100% that I will not fall in love with him or want to be with him for a long time, and recently he's been dropping hints that he feels like we are getting really serious (and he likes that). Frankly it's time to end it for both our sakes.

So what's the most humane thing to do? I'm pretty sure I have to do it in person, and it would be cruel to make him travel to get dumped, so of course I'll go see him. It would also be cruel to spend a great weekend together and then dump him, so I'd better do it right when I arrive, and then go stay with a friend or just turn around and go back to my city.

On the other hand (some points raised by friends): is it cruel to make him think that we're going to spend a fun weekend together, and then actually just show up and dump him? Is it best to "rip it off like a band aid" and end it abruptly, or should I try to let him down easy by being cold and/or distant in the weeks leading up to the visit? ... And if I can't see him in person for a few weeks, then is it cruel to insist on doing the break up in person if it means stringing him on for weeks when I'm sure now that it's over?

I know I've used the words "cruel" and "humane" a lot here... please don't read into it. It's just shorthand. He's a great guy and I know this is going to hurt him, and I hate to do it, but I've got to. I'd appreciate any advice on a micro or macro level about how to make this go smoothly for him (and to a lesser extent for me).

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

"Do it in person" is a fine rule, but I think it's okay to break it here. I would hate, hate, hate to eagerly anticipate one of the few visits I get to have from my girlfriend, block off time, avoid other plans, and then find out that I'm just getting dumped.

Call him, or skype him, or IM him, or do whatever it is that you guys do to communicate. Get it over with, hurt him as little as possible, and let him move on. The only thing worse than breakup pain is breakup pain when you were looking forward to a fun time and it turns out that was never in the cards.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:00 AM on November 23, 2010 [18 favorites]

If you're in this this for under a year and it is an LDR, you can do it by phone (or Skype or whatever.) If you're capital-S, Sure, do it ASAP. Like, tonight. Or just before (or during) the next time you plan to talk to him; otherwise, no matter what you do, you're just leading him along.
posted by griphus at 9:03 AM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

6 months doesn't seem that long to me so I would say that since you sound pretty sure of it, do it as soon as possible. If you can do it in person within the next week do that, but if it's not for like 2 weeks do it over the phone.

"should I try to let him down easy by being cold and/or distant in the weeks leading up to the visit?"

Definitely do NOT be "that guy" (even if you are a girl).

Obligatory link to Miko's 7 step program for letting someone down gently.
posted by like_neon at 9:05 AM on November 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

Yeah, don't let him plan a weekend for you, maybe if you're going to see him you can let him know somehow that it's just for an afternoon or evening or whatever.

Don't try to affect any kind of unnatural attitudes to either warn him or hide your feelings from him before you can break up in person. If this leads to a phone break up, don't beat yourself up, acting insincerely on the phone would be worse than not breaking up face to face.

If, between now and whenever you break up, he says something about becoming more serious with you, I think you should be honest that you don't see your relationship be able to develop that way.
posted by bluejayk at 9:06 AM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

As someone who was the dumpee in a similar situation, I was glad that the dumper ignored the "in person" rule and opted for a phone call. I would have hated dealing with the pleasant anticipation of a weekend together only to get dumped when he arrived.

Nthing do it as soon as posisble, and via phone or skype or however you usually communicate.
posted by CharlieSue at 9:06 AM on November 23, 2010 [3 favorites]

OK, I'm trying to imagine I'm this guy. I'm definitely going to be dumped, but I don't know it yet. Which would I rather have happen to me: I get all excited for our fun weekend together, you come over, and then you break up with me in person? Or you break up with me long distance? I would rather have it happen long distance, even if there were no lag time. Since there will be a lag time of a few weeks, it'd be a little dishonest to wait till then to do it in person, meanwhile acting like things are fine. I mean, you could do that, if doing it in person is that important to you. But the longer the wait, the more you have to be disingenuous in the meantime, which isn't so great.

Some people will probably say this MUST be done in person because all breakups MUST be done in person. I see no reason for that to be the case. A phone call is often easier. I don't know why people get moralistic about this. I think phone is fine even if there is no distance issue. Oh, it's cold and unfun, but no more so than an in-person breakup.
posted by John Cohen at 9:06 AM on November 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

i see no humanity in breaking up with this guy in person. pick up the phone. it makes logistical sense.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 9:07 AM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

You need to make peace with the idea that it's going to hurt, even if you deliver the news painted on a unicorn stuffed with hundred dollar bills, it's going to hurt like hell. You're doing a good thing by considering his feelings, but there's nothing you can do to stop him feeling them.

Good luck and don't forget to take care of yourself, too.
posted by fight or flight at 9:08 AM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

You're right, any traveling is going to send the wrong message. So phone it is, because written here is a cheap way to go. At least for the initial break up. Anything reminding him that you broke up if he can't accept it is fine for written stuff.

You're reasoning is enough to break it off. And I have a feeling that I've been the guy who thought things were a lot more serious than they were. So shutting that down as soon as possible is a good move too.
posted by theichibun at 9:09 AM on November 23, 2010

There is no good way to break up with someone.

Call him. Tell him. Move on. (the quick band-aid method)

The in person thing is a nice gesture but likely leads to more mess. And definitely don't play any games about trying to let him down "gently" or building up to a breakup. (or worse do the "I wonder if I can get them to dump me?!?" game).
posted by bitdamaged at 9:10 AM on November 23, 2010

This comment from Miko has a few excellent pointers.

As to the travel component, just say, on Friday after work, that you guys need to talk. If you're ok with traveling, then travel and tell him. Otherwise, tell him over the phone. It's not the optimal situation, no, but if you're going for humane, then telling him as soon as possible, so he can grieve and get on with his life is the best thing. I'm argue that telling him today, after work, would probably be best. Just get it over with, 'cause every day he spends falling for you is a wasted day.

Tell him now, so you can both move on.
posted by nomadicink at 9:11 AM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

or should I try to let him down easy by being cold and/or distant in the weeks leading up to the visit

Please don't do this. This is horrible. You sound pretty clear that you want to be as gentle as possible; being cold and distant for no reason (from his perspective) will make him wonder what's going on. It won't help him feel better about it.
posted by number9dream at 9:18 AM on November 23, 2010

It's not clear if you (or your soon-to-be-ex) is in the US or not, but if so, you may want to let it slide until at least next week so that he can enjoy the holiday weekend. If you two are in the habit of long phone calls or chats every night or whatever that kind of delay is probably not feasible, but if you can realistically avoid too much contact until then, it seems a fair thing to do.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:19 AM on November 23, 2010

It's not clear if you (or your soon-to-be-ex) is in the US or not, but if so, you may want to let it slide until at least next week so that he can enjoy the holiday weekend.

This is a nice idea, but I'd caution you against kicking the can down the road too many times. There's always one more situation that makes it less-than-ideal to break up now. Oh, can't do it now — it'd ruin his Thanksgiving. And then it's his birthday or someone else's birthday — don't want to ruin that. And then he has a big deadline at work or school, so you can't interfere with that either. Then it's almost Christmas, and breaking up isn't very Christmasy, etc. ...

As bitdamaged said, there's no good way to break up with someone. Wait till after Thanksgiving? Fine. But don't kid yourself: no matter when you do it, he's going to have a rotten day. You just have to do it. Sooner rather than later.
posted by John Cohen at 9:40 AM on November 23, 2010

I've been the dumpee by someone who broke the in-person rule under similar circumstances. At the time, I was particularly upset by having been denied that extensively-planned last weekend together; later on, I realized I would have remained upset for much longer if I had gone to all that effort just to get dumped at the end of it. My opinion on which was best has changed a few times since.

Basically, they're going to be hurt no matter what... so do what lets you sleep at night.
posted by Pufferish at 9:46 AM on November 23, 2010

Rock Steady: "It's not clear if you (or your soon-to-be-ex) is in the US or not, but if so, you may want to let it slide until at least next week so that he can enjoy the holiday weekend."

Or if you know he'll be with family or other people that could make it better for him it could be a great idea to do it now since he'll have those people.
posted by theichibun at 9:48 AM on November 23, 2010

Don't travel to break up with him over a weekend. That's cruel. Just do it on the phone and then don't take any more of his calls.

The faster you do it, the sooner the pain will stop for both of you. That seven-point plan posted earlier is a good script. Opening a phone call with "We need to talk..." will get you started. Don't linger on the phone. Get through the script and get off the phone quickly. Don't read any of his emails, block his instant messenger client, and ignore him on Facebook.

Good luck.
posted by phoebus at 10:02 AM on November 23, 2010

Due to the distance and the fact that it might raise his hopes, I'd say this calls for a phone breakup. And, though it's prolongs things artificially, there seems to be a window of time before the holidays - possibly Halloween - where it's "better". For you, I mean. There is an extra spoonful of guilt for breaking up during the holidays. Spare yourself if you have reservations about holiday breakups - and wait until January.
posted by marimeko at 10:02 AM on November 23, 2010

I got dumped under exactly these circumstances once. In retrospect, I don't blame her for breaking it off, but I really wish she had just done it over the phone, for exactly the reasons everybody here is saying - the breakup hurt more because I had been excited to spend some time with her, but instead got dumped. The phone is ok in this situation, and is in fact the better option.
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:13 AM on November 23, 2010

I would either break up with him tonight on the phone or this weekend on the phone. Breaking up with him in person is needlessly complicated and dramatic, especially since it has only been 6 months.

Yeah it sucks that it's Thanksgiving, but holding on for a month and a half seems really cruel. Not to mention the fact that he will probably buy you a nice Christmas present and then spend a possibly romantic NYE with you. Do it now and save him some money and hopefully he'll be recovered in time to enjoy the holidays.
posted by whoaali at 10:18 AM on November 23, 2010

Call him, and say: "I've been thinking a lot about us lately, because you've been dropping hints about us becoming more serious, and I didn't want to take steps or make promises that I wasn't prepared to do. As much as our relationship was terrific when we lived in the same city, I haven't been satisfied with the limitations of a long-distance relationship; it really takes the edge off the intimacy and passion that I need to have for a serious long-term relationship."

Now give him a chance to speak, because you never know; he might say all the right things and make the break easy for both of you. He might swear at you and hang up, of course, or suggest you should stick it out or that he'll eventually be moving back. Assuming he hasn't been a total douche (giving you a good reason to just say "no, I think we're done here" and hang up, you can just thank him for being so gracious about it and wish him the best.

If he did go for the "let's stick it out" option, simply say: "I understand how you feel, and I thought about that. My worry is that if we don't end it now while we're on good terms, we'll either drag it out too long until one of us meets somebody, or I'll start to resent being in the relationship when I now know that I can't do the long distance thing. I'd rather say goodbye to you knowing it's not about you or me, but about the situation we're in; I have nothing but good memories with you and good things to say about you, and that's the way I want to keep it."

YMMV of course, I'm assuming a lot of reasonableness on the guy's part. If he freaks out or otherwise isn't an adult about it, then you tried your best, and you can move on guilt-free. Ultimately anyone who doesn't realize that a relationship is a shared journey that doesn't always work out for both parties as they want it to, is someone who probably shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.
posted by davejay at 10:22 AM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

incidentally, one of the reasons (if you feel like justifying it -- personally I don't think it's necessary, though) you can mention for the LD relationship not working for you is the fact that you couldn't do this face-to-face, because it wouldn't be fair to get his hopes up for a fun weekend only to have it be about breaking up, and that such awkward things are built into long-distance relationships, making them that much harder.
posted by davejay at 10:24 AM on November 23, 2010

I did this over the phone, as soon as I knew. Much better. Of course I needed my plate clear, but better that than betrayal.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:57 AM on November 23, 2010

As it's a long distance relationship now, telling him by phone is probably ok. Esp if you also say something like "I'm sorry to do this over the phone, but I thought it would be unfair to let you get excited I was coming for the weekend only to tell you this."

What else you can do to make it more humane...

Pick a time for the call when you'll both have time to talk. Let him ask whatever he wants to ask, and say whatever he feels he needs to say. Also be prepared that he might be too stunned at first, but want to talk sometime later. You might want to consider offering to meet him in person for a final conversation, to get closure on the relationship.

As for timing, if you happen to know a time when he's going to be with people he's close to and who he can talk to about his feelings over the break-up, that would be a good time. I mention this in case he's close to his family, and going to be seeing them in the next week for example.

Remember to tell him the things you've told us... that he's a great guy, you want to do everything you can to avoid hurting him etc.

There is no painless way to break up, but there are good ways and bad ways. And the good ways in the long run leave you in a place where you remember the relationship fondly, have you both feeling good about yourselves, and someday being friends if that's what you want.

That is the long run though, and however well you handle this, the short run will have some degree of pain.
posted by philipy at 11:08 AM on November 23, 2010

is it cruel to make him think that we're going to spend a fun weekend together, and then actually just show up and dump him?
Yes.

Is it best to "rip it off like a band aid" and end it abruptly, or should I try to let him down easy by being cold and/or distant in the weeks leading up to the visit?
Just call and get it over with. There is no reason to drag this stuff out. I was dumped at the end of a long dragged out night and day, and OMG I was SO MUCH more mad about that then about being dumped.
posted by grapesaresour at 1:18 PM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Don't blame the long-distance thing, because that will give him false hope. Don't plan a weekend; that would just be cruel.

If it were me, I'd want a phone call or e-mail or skype or something saying basically, "I've had a great time, but I don't love you." Whatever you say or do, just band-aid it -- he'll be able to tell something might be wrong if you're gearing up for it, only he won't know for sure and the doubt will be pretty awful... and won't make the actual break-up any easier.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:59 PM on November 23, 2010

You are me, a week ago. I did it over the phone, and it was absolutely the right thing to do. I didn't want to spend any more time feeling like I needed to end it and pretending that everything was fine, and I think my partner would have been much more upset if I'd waited until we were in the same place-- partly because she would've known that I'd waited until we were in the same place, and thus that this had been in the offing for a while.

Don't drag it out. If you're sure the relationship is over, you need to say that.
posted by dizziest at 8:08 PM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]