My father has just suffered a minor stroke, help me to confort him
November 19, 2010 7:00 AM   Subscribe

My father has just suffered a minor stroke (a cerebrovascular accident) which caused him partial blindness on one eye. This is the first significant health related incident he ever had. His self-image was one of being a healthy person, so this event is causing him a lot of stress, in fact I believe he is in shock.

We are proceeding with the appropriate medical treatments, so that's being taking care of. The problem I would like to address with you is about his psychological pain. It just breaks my heart witnessing my father's mental state and feeling impotent to confort him.

My father is the kind of person which is easily overpowered by stress. For example, he hides the informative pamphlets of the prescription drugs he is taking, just to avoid reading the side effects. Moreover, he usually turns his attention to several esoteric practices, which sustain the illusion he wants to maintain. For example, he believes faith will eventually restitute the eyesight he has lost, even if the doctor says the loss is irreversible.

Being a non-believer myself, I have many problems trying to comfort my father in an appropriate way. I just don't know what to say. If I try to convince him to accept what has happened, I feel I'm causing even more pain. I'm the only person my father has, I'm his only child, and my mother divorced him 30 years ago. I feel I'm his only support, and I feel I'm not helping. We also live 300 km apart, so most of our conversations are by phone even though I go see him several times each month.

All I want is to transmit him hope, not about what is irreversibly lost, but about what the future can be. All I want is to see him smile towards life again.

I'm seeking advice of people that might have gone through situations like this. What were those kind words that kept you going or that you said to someone to keep them going? What books would be helpful and inspiring in times like these?

Thanks.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Depression after a stroke is a very very common. Encourage him to seek counseling.

I would be happy to send you some abstracts of journal articles if you memail me.
posted by mareli at 7:31 AM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]


Oliver Sacks's latest book, The Mind's Eye, goes into detail about his own recent partial loss of vision and the experiences of many patients with different types of vision loss. He talks about the bravery and resourcefulness of his patients. Very well worth reading. There's an unabridged audiobook version at Amazon.

Not what you're looking for, but related, a recent piece on NPR talks about hemianopsia, the loss of part of one's field of vision, as caused by brain injuries in recent veterans. It touches briefly on useful therapy, toward the end.
posted by Ery at 7:36 AM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]


It's hard to watch someone you love be in denial. It's hard to watch them suffer. It's hard to feel like they're not taking the appropriate steps to get over what has happened to them. It's uncomfortable to be with someone who is sad, especially when they have a perfectly good reason to be sad that you cannot fix. Your discomfort with the situation should not be the driving factor, though. These are real, difficult emotions your dad is having, and trying to squelch them is not the best way to be supportive. Instead, let him be honest with you about what he is feeling, whether that's angry or depressed or afraid or whatever. I really think the greatest gift you can give someone in times of trouble is the freedom to express themselves openly. You can contribute to this by also being open with your dad. It's ok to say, "Dad, it is so hard for me to see you feeling like this. I wish like crazy that I could fix this for you. Since I can't, I'm just going to be here to listen to whatever you want or need to say."

I guess my point is, it is ok for your dad to grieve the loss of his sight. Grief occurs in many situations that don't involve death. Try to be present for him (whether in person or on the phone) as he struggles with the loss he has endured, rather than pushing him to have a positive attitude. You don't say how long ago this happened, but it sounds recent. Truly, it is ok for your dad to be sad right now. The one thing that really helps in situations of loss is time.
posted by vytae at 8:03 AM on November 19, 2010 [2 favorites]


Depression after a stroke is a very very common.

This. His MD needs to bring it up, and as just one more annoying but normal stroke symptom, and not as a "people get bummed out" thing, which, if your dad's like a lot of older guys, means he should just stiff-upper-lip it.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:21 AM on November 19, 2010


I am sorry about your father. My mom had a TIA. It caused a devastating ischemic CRVO which cost her the vision in one eye.

Her immediate fear was "What if it happens again? What if I lose vision in my other eye?" This was terrifying, especially because the doctors told her she did have a high possibility of having additional strokes. My mom is also very hard-of-hearing, so vision is very important to her.

At some point you do have to stop listening to the doctors and reading about the worst-case-scenarios and just live your life.

My mom has adopted a heart-healthy lifestyle and takes blood pressure medication. Even though she is blind in one eye she maintained a beautiful acreage with gardens that were featured on more than one charity garden walk. My parents have sold the acreage and she is now transforming the yard in a new house. My mom volunteers for several hours every week and is a Master Gardener. She has hobbies that engage her, such as quilting and cooking.

The best thing you can do for your father is to give him your love and support. When you are able to visit him, take him out to lunch. Encourage him to pursue his hobbies and interests. If there are things that he can do to lessen his chances of having another stroke, help him out with those. Maybe go for long walks with him if exercise has been suggested by the doctor. Again, I know you're not right there with him, but maybe you can do this when you visit.

I also bought my parents an iPod. I made playlists for relaxing, and more upbeat playlists for other times. I also put some of their favorite music on it. Even thought they tried to refuse the iPod at first they love it now and listen to it daily.

Another thing that my parents find helpful is a large-screen GPS. It can be difficult for them to read maps or distant street signs, but the GPS has given them more confidence in getting out and doing things. The voice commands are very helpful to them.

You could also set up Skype for him to you can see each others' faces.

Good luck and my thoughts are with your Dad. The first year after a major medical event is so tough, but it gets better.
posted by Ostara at 10:21 AM on November 19, 2010 [1 favorite]


Not that meds will cure the mind-fuck of not being Mr. Healthy, but not being so depressed will make dealing with it a lot easier.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:22 AM on November 19, 2010


To be clear, it's possible that your dad's emotional state may not just be of the 'I've gone through a shitty experience and I'm struggling to cope" variety. I really wish that someone had explained to me after my dad's stroke that emotional imbalances or shifts in personality can actually be a biochemical effect of having a stroke.

With this in mind, you need to try and support your dad but recognize that this is part of the illness and can't be fixed by you anymore than his blindness can. In terms of helping him gather some hope for the future, time should help with this, but so might spending time with really cool people who are partially sited. My dad got a lot of hope from people who were carrying on and kicking ass despite their disabilities.

I wouldn't overtly try and convince him things won't get better, but don't lie either. Really, the best thing you can do is just spend time with him when you can and stay in contact with him as much as possible. Whatever else he's feeling, he isn't alone in this.

And don't forget to take care of you. This is also a very stressful time for you, and just because he's got it worse doesn't mean that you shouldn't be making sure that you have the support that you need - it's really tough to watch a parent go through this experience.

Good luck -and echoing Ostara, it really does get better.
posted by scrute at 7:21 PM on November 19, 2010


I am in a similar situation, albeit much younger than your father. Three years ago I lost sight in my left eye owing to a CRVO, like Ostara's mom. That didn't bother me too much, but the T.I.A that landing me in the hospital three weeks ago sure did.
All of it feels quite new, and I am still not even sure about how I feel about the situation. It's kind of like shifting a loose tooth around with your tongue. It feels strange - but it doesn't really hurt. I tire easily, and another more severe stroke could be right around the corner. Maybe I have something more serious, maybe I even have a fatal condition. Maybe it was a one-off, and I will be fine for the rest of my natural life. Perhaps your father is feeling similarly, these events are sea changes
But it doesn't really matter. It can't really matter. For me, this experience has once again served as a realignment of priorities, and evaluating what I have control over and what I don't. For me, that is really where the crux lies. If I were you, I would concentrate on not sympathizing too extensively with your father's plight. It's a form of victimizing and weakening of spirit that isn't conducive to regaining a healthy sense of self. Your father was and continues to be a healthy person, as do I. I'm just blind in one eye and could drop dead at any second. But I can't control that, so why fuss about it?
I don't want or need people to cheer me up or say the right thing, but I appreciate a glass of water when I am too tired to get up and get it myself.
I hope this perspective helps. Feel free to memail me, anon.
posted by msali at 7:34 AM on November 20, 2010


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