I like you, but not enough to visit you
November 17, 2010 6:18 PM Subscribe
Guy I like lives in a building with a current bedbug problem. Is it wrong for this to feel like a dealbreaker?
I like this guy, but I have a bit of a bedbug phobia and really do not want to have to deal with them in my home. Am I overreacting? Note: he says he does not have bedbugs in his apartment at the moment, but they are present in the building. His building management company does spray to get rid of them, but apparently this doesn't work all the time as they keep coming back. He has just signed a new lease, and it is nowhere near the point where I could be the one to suggest moving. Am I being silly? Could a relationship work when I would never want to go to his place for fear of bringing bedbugs home with me? Probably not relevant but this is in NYC.
I like this guy, but I have a bit of a bedbug phobia and really do not want to have to deal with them in my home. Am I overreacting? Note: he says he does not have bedbugs in his apartment at the moment, but they are present in the building. His building management company does spray to get rid of them, but apparently this doesn't work all the time as they keep coming back. He has just signed a new lease, and it is nowhere near the point where I could be the one to suggest moving. Am I being silly? Could a relationship work when I would never want to go to his place for fear of bringing bedbugs home with me? Probably not relevant but this is in NYC.
Maybe I'm a jerk, but it would be a dealbreaker for me. Bed bugs are too hard to deal with and too emotionally taxing for me to take such a big risk of getting them.
posted by amro at 6:26 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by amro at 6:26 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
(I mean, if I was in a longterm relationship with him I'd deal... But you just like this guy.)
posted by amro at 6:27 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 6:27 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I hate to add to your fears, but if he gets bedbugs, he could spread them to you even if you never set food in his place. They can attach to coats and other belongings. In fact, one of the most common ways to get them is by bringing them home from a hotel after they've jumped into your suitcase. So basically, if going over to his apartment is a dealbreaker, letting him visit you should also be a dealbreaker.
However, I don't think it should be. I think you need to think about whether your fear is rational. Yes, you could get bedbugs from this guy. You could also get them from your office or from traveling or from someone brushing against you on the subway. If you do get them, it's a hassle. I had them about 8 years ago (before they were cool!), and it was annoying. But it wasn't as terrible as people are making it out to be. I'm extremely allergic to bites, so I got really itchy. My then-boyfriend didn't notice at all. We washed everything in hot water, got a mattress cover, and used a lot of diatomaceous earth. It was a lot of work, and then everything was fine.
My advice would be to chill out about bedbugs in general. They're basically a fact of life, just like getting sick or ruining an expensive possession. Annoying, but not life-threatening or worth sitting up nights worrying about. And if you're really concerned about bedbugs to the point of giving up a relationship, you're going to have to limit your life in all sorts of other ways in order to be "safe."
posted by decathecting at 6:30 PM on November 17, 2010 [20 favorites]
However, I don't think it should be. I think you need to think about whether your fear is rational. Yes, you could get bedbugs from this guy. You could also get them from your office or from traveling or from someone brushing against you on the subway. If you do get them, it's a hassle. I had them about 8 years ago (before they were cool!), and it was annoying. But it wasn't as terrible as people are making it out to be. I'm extremely allergic to bites, so I got really itchy. My then-boyfriend didn't notice at all. We washed everything in hot water, got a mattress cover, and used a lot of diatomaceous earth. It was a lot of work, and then everything was fine.
My advice would be to chill out about bedbugs in general. They're basically a fact of life, just like getting sick or ruining an expensive possession. Annoying, but not life-threatening or worth sitting up nights worrying about. And if you're really concerned about bedbugs to the point of giving up a relationship, you're going to have to limit your life in all sorts of other ways in order to be "safe."
posted by decathecting at 6:30 PM on November 17, 2010 [20 favorites]
If it helps, most people (I don't remember the percentage, but it's more than half) do not react to bedbug bites. Meaning that bedbugs are really only a nightmare for those who get itchy; for the rest of us bedbugs are merely an annoyance, even less so than houseflies.
posted by goblinbox at 6:44 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by goblinbox at 6:44 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree with decathecting. My then-girlfriend and I had an equivalent experience to her and her boyfriend (respectively) after staying in a NYC hotel. Bedbugs just aren't that terrible.
Probably not relevant but this is in NYC.
No, that is relevant. Your risk of bedbugs is high all over NYC. If you really want to minimize your risk of bedbugs, how can you even stay in the city?
posted by John Cohen at 6:48 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
Probably not relevant but this is in NYC.
No, that is relevant. Your risk of bedbugs is high all over NYC. If you really want to minimize your risk of bedbugs, how can you even stay in the city?
posted by John Cohen at 6:48 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
This would be a total deal breaker for me. You have my absolute and unquestioned approval to dump that boy.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:51 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:51 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is a question only you can answer. Is your "like" of him greater than your fear of bedbugs?
posted by philip-random at 6:59 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by philip-random at 6:59 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
I had the same experience as decathecting. Except the bedbugs came back after multiple treatments, I had to throw out tons of possessions, and I had to leave an otherwise-perfect apartment. Oh, and I spent months worrying that they might come back.
It's totally okay for this to be a deal breaker.
posted by ripley_ at 7:00 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's totally okay for this to be a deal breaker.
posted by ripley_ at 7:00 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Here's the way I look at it. Every time you cross the street to see this guy, you risk your life.... are you dumping him because of that reality?
Every decision you make in life weighs the rewards against the risks... only you can answer your question...
posted by HuronBob at 7:14 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Every decision you make in life weighs the rewards against the risks... only you can answer your question...
posted by HuronBob at 7:14 PM on November 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Counterpoint: I've had bedbugs (fortunately, past tense.)
I would feel this was a shallow concern. We're talking about bedbugs, not AIDS. There are many simple things you can do, and which your boy can do, to protect yourself from having bugs in the apartment or bringing them home with you.
My primary suggestion would be hanging any bags you have with you on a hook and not leaving them on the floor, and not leaving any clothes you may, theoretically, take off (wink wink) while you're there lying around on the floor.
It is POSSIBLE for bedbugs to travel from apartment to apartment in worn clothing, but it's extremely uncommon unless you're in the midst of a HUGE outbreak of bugs, and a bit of simple caution can prevent it. The good news is that you KNOW there's a possibility that there could be bugs. He's been honest with you and the two of you can take basic precautions to prevent bedbugs in his apartment and in yours.
posted by raygan at 7:21 PM on November 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
I would feel this was a shallow concern. We're talking about bedbugs, not AIDS. There are many simple things you can do, and which your boy can do, to protect yourself from having bugs in the apartment or bringing them home with you.
My primary suggestion would be hanging any bags you have with you on a hook and not leaving them on the floor, and not leaving any clothes you may, theoretically, take off (wink wink) while you're there lying around on the floor.
It is POSSIBLE for bedbugs to travel from apartment to apartment in worn clothing, but it's extremely uncommon unless you're in the midst of a HUGE outbreak of bugs, and a bit of simple caution can prevent it. The good news is that you KNOW there's a possibility that there could be bugs. He's been honest with you and the two of you can take basic precautions to prevent bedbugs in his apartment and in yours.
posted by raygan at 7:21 PM on November 17, 2010 [5 favorites]
I had bedbugs (in NYC), and they're bad. I remember rereading MacBeth to find the sleep speech ("innocent sleep, sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care...") because I kept waking up in the middle of the night in a panic every time I had an itch.
A friend of mine got bedbugs from my apartment by putting her coat on my bed during a party.
That said, I don't think it has to be a deal-breaker. If you think there's long-term potential, then the short-term risk of bedbugs comes to seem like a pretty small thing. How tidy is he? If he is careful to only bring freshly laundered clothes to your place, maybe spray his bag and coat before coming over (use a permethrin spray), he can cut the chances of bringing them to your house. On your end, you can make sure to launder your clothes (in hot water) when you get back from his place. Also keep your place clutter-free, and make sure to get your apartment sprayed early on if you think you end up getting them.
Also, it helps that his building sprays regularly. It might not get rid of them entirely, but it cuts their numbers, and cuts the chance of moving them around.
John Cohen is right--even if you don't date this guy, you have a decent chance of getting bedbugs anyway.
posted by pompelmo at 7:30 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
A friend of mine got bedbugs from my apartment by putting her coat on my bed during a party.
That said, I don't think it has to be a deal-breaker. If you think there's long-term potential, then the short-term risk of bedbugs comes to seem like a pretty small thing. How tidy is he? If he is careful to only bring freshly laundered clothes to your place, maybe spray his bag and coat before coming over (use a permethrin spray), he can cut the chances of bringing them to your house. On your end, you can make sure to launder your clothes (in hot water) when you get back from his place. Also keep your place clutter-free, and make sure to get your apartment sprayed early on if you think you end up getting them.
Also, it helps that his building sprays regularly. It might not get rid of them entirely, but it cuts their numbers, and cuts the chance of moving them around.
John Cohen is right--even if you don't date this guy, you have a decent chance of getting bedbugs anyway.
posted by pompelmo at 7:30 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
This completely depends on how much you like the guy and how casual the relationship is. Is your criteria for dating him "he has a Y chromosome, seems like he's not a serial killer, and maybe I'll develop a spark after a few dates?" Then, personally, no go. There are tons of bedbug and hassle-free dudes out there.
If, on the other hand, this is more of a "butterflies" crush, have everything in common, once-in-a-lifetime thing, -bedbugs are temporary.
But risk bedbugs from some random guy you don't know from Adam for a date or two? Nah, I wouldn't.
posted by Nixy at 7:56 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
If, on the other hand, this is more of a "butterflies" crush, have everything in common, once-in-a-lifetime thing, -bedbugs are temporary.
But risk bedbugs from some random guy you don't know from Adam for a date or two? Nah, I wouldn't.
posted by Nixy at 7:56 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
You don't have bedbugs. He doesn't have bedbugs. Fear of bedbugs is seriously disrupting a major aspect of your life--dating. I am not a therapist, but that's usually the litmus test for a phobia.
Dating is all about trading risk for reward. The vast, vast, vast majority of people who date have been exposed to some kind of STD from mono to herpes to genital warts... Between the three, almost everybody who's an active dater has probably got something. And yet people still date each other. Funny thing, that.
Get a mattress cover. Build a bedbug detector. Keep some DE stored in your closet just in case. All in all, you've spent $70, drastically reduced your risk and can stop worrying.
posted by Skwirl at 8:00 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
Dating is all about trading risk for reward. The vast, vast, vast majority of people who date have been exposed to some kind of STD from mono to herpes to genital warts... Between the three, almost everybody who's an active dater has probably got something. And yet people still date each other. Funny thing, that.
Get a mattress cover. Build a bedbug detector. Keep some DE stored in your closet just in case. All in all, you've spent $70, drastically reduced your risk and can stop worrying.
posted by Skwirl at 8:00 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
I personally don't think this should be a deal breaker. That said, if it's going to constantly give you the heebie jeebies and become a preoccupation for you, I don't know if you would be able to even give the relationship a chance. You would turn into a story about that girl he once dated who was overly neurotic about getting bed bugs.
posted by Kimberly at 8:30 PM on November 17, 2010
posted by Kimberly at 8:30 PM on November 17, 2010
(use a permethrin spray)
Please do not encourage the use of permethrin as an everyday contraceptive for bugs. It is a likely human carcinogen and is not necessarily pet-safe: it is particularly toxic to cats. It is also becoming increasingly ineffective due to overuse.
posted by nanojath at 8:48 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please do not encourage the use of permethrin as an everyday contraceptive for bugs. It is a likely human carcinogen and is not necessarily pet-safe: it is particularly toxic to cats. It is also becoming increasingly ineffective due to overuse.
posted by nanojath at 8:48 PM on November 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
If I was attracted to a woman, and she had a cat, it would be a dealbreaker for me, because I am allergic to cats, and I'm not fond of having cat fur all over everything.
So he's not tending bedbugs, but he certainly doesn't mind them -- after all, he signed a new lease, so either they're not a problem in his apartment, or he doesn't care if they are. And you have to deal with that, or not, as you see fit.
With the cat analogy, I could take meds to reduce the likelihood of the allergies getting bad. Go out of my way to remove all the hair off my clothes after I visit her, or ask she do the same before she comes into my house. And so on, and so forth.
But a better fit for her and me would be for her to find someone who doesn't mind cats, and me to find someone who doesn't have or want one. Same applies to you.
However: if this guy is really amazing, to the point that you'd consider pushing through your concern and trying to make it work, then you gotta do what you gotta do. For the right girl, perhaps I'd put up with a cat. I used to have one, a long time ago, and I could probably make it work. I'd just really need to want it.
So how badly do you want it?
posted by davejay at 9:06 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
So he's not tending bedbugs, but he certainly doesn't mind them -- after all, he signed a new lease, so either they're not a problem in his apartment, or he doesn't care if they are. And you have to deal with that, or not, as you see fit.
With the cat analogy, I could take meds to reduce the likelihood of the allergies getting bad. Go out of my way to remove all the hair off my clothes after I visit her, or ask she do the same before she comes into my house. And so on, and so forth.
But a better fit for her and me would be for her to find someone who doesn't mind cats, and me to find someone who doesn't have or want one. Same applies to you.
However: if this guy is really amazing, to the point that you'd consider pushing through your concern and trying to make it work, then you gotta do what you gotta do. For the right girl, perhaps I'd put up with a cat. I used to have one, a long time ago, and I could probably make it work. I'd just really need to want it.
So how badly do you want it?
posted by davejay at 9:06 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it's his building but not his apartment, that's not a dealbreaker for me. Unless maybe I wasn't that into him and this was an excuse to flee. If it was his apartment, though, that might be different.
Bedbugs are not poisonous. They will not kill you. They are not evil super-geniuses who will maliciously invade your life and ruin it. They're just bugs - they're not even vectors for disease, which makes them relatively nonthreatening bugs, at that. And more and more, there's little or nothing anyone can do to prevent getting them.
Live your life. Don't let an insect prevent you from doing what you want.
posted by Sara C. at 9:14 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Bedbugs are not poisonous. They will not kill you. They are not evil super-geniuses who will maliciously invade your life and ruin it. They're just bugs - they're not even vectors for disease, which makes them relatively nonthreatening bugs, at that. And more and more, there's little or nothing anyone can do to prevent getting them.
Live your life. Don't let an insect prevent you from doing what you want.
posted by Sara C. at 9:14 PM on November 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm totally skeeved by bedbugs, but it would have been super easy for this dude not to even tell you his building had a problem. But he did. Which shows honesty and a concern for your well-being. Which, you know, are excellent traits for a fellow to have. The kind of things that are more important than, say, an unfortunate housing situation that is probably beyond his control.
posted by troublewithwolves at 9:27 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by troublewithwolves at 9:27 PM on November 17, 2010 [6 favorites]
What happens when the next guy you date has bedbugs in his building and doesn't tell you?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:15 AM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:15 AM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
Yeah, you should just forget it and let him be dated by someone who has a better sense of risk. I mean, I'm sure you wouldn't want anyone dating you if your building had some bedbugs in it.
posted by General Tonic at 6:45 AM on November 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by General Tonic at 6:45 AM on November 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
Bedbugs are not cockroaches. To the best of my knowledge, they wil not travel a long distance through walls just to get to your potential beau's bed. Now, if he hangs out in infested apartments, or if his neighbors/friends-with-bedbugs hang out in his apartment, especially in his bedroom, I would say maybe you've got a problem. Personally, I used to live right below someone who turned out to have bedbugs and I never had any issue (well, except that she was kind of not a great person, but I mean, I never got bedbugs).
But really, if you're asking metafilter if it's ok for you to not like him over bedbugs, it sounds like you are maybe looking for an out, and fear of bedbugs is a convenient excuse.
posted by Grafix at 10:44 AM on November 18, 2010
But really, if you're asking metafilter if it's ok for you to not like him over bedbugs, it sounds like you are maybe looking for an out, and fear of bedbugs is a convenient excuse.
posted by Grafix at 10:44 AM on November 18, 2010
I'm totally skeeved by bedbugs, but it would have been super easy for this dude not to even tell you his building had a problem. But he did. Which shows honesty and a concern for your well-being.
Or he may just not think it's a big deal. I know some people like that.
posted by amro at 3:17 PM on November 18, 2010
Or he may just not think it's a big deal. I know some people like that.
posted by amro at 3:17 PM on November 18, 2010
You're in NYC. You dump this boy, for this silly reason, and move on to someone else, there's a HUGE chance they'll live in a buidlng with bedbugs, too. And so will your coworkers, the person who bags your groceries, your hair stylist, the librarian, etc.... Let's face it, you can't get away from someone who lives near someone who has bedbugs, while still being in New York.
posted by shesaysgo at 3:56 PM on November 18, 2010
posted by shesaysgo at 3:56 PM on November 18, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks everyone! Yes, I am likely making too big a deal of this. Will be taking some precautions but basically chilling out. Thanks again!
posted by heavenstobetsy at 4:54 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by heavenstobetsy at 4:54 PM on November 18, 2010 [3 favorites]
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posted by oohisay at 6:26 PM on November 17, 2010