Which way to the sex party?
November 6, 2010 8:27 AM   Subscribe

Female, early 30s: I want more sex in my life. Not just actually physically doing it (though that would be awesome), but having more friends who are open to talking about it, going to events that revolve around it (e.g. a kink/fetish ball), etc.

Sometimes I think that if I'd grown up in a more liberal household and was more comfortable with my sexuality, I'd have become a sex therapist. I even fantasize about doing porn--though I hear it's super competitive ;) My friends mostly seem to be females who have low sex drives and see sex as a chore, so it's no fun talking to them about how awesome last night's sex was. Also, most of them are in long-term relationships so they're not willing to go trolling at the bar with me, lol.

I'm often told that I'm beautiful and men hit on me/stare, but I'm on the socially awkward side so I haven't been able to parlay that attention into as much sex/dating/etc as I'd like. I think sometimes men assume I'm not interested when I am, but I just can't peel my eyes off the floor to look at them. Plus, I'm in one of those cities that is notorious for men rarely asking women out. When they do ask me out, they're 20 years older than me--grrr. I know this to be a fact, because I've lived in another city that very much lives up to its reputation of having more forward men--I may be driven to move back there!

I get really frustrated when I see people who have sex lives that involve multiple partners and such. I want the super-sensuality inside me to match my actual day-to-day life. I'm currently doing online dating but the dates I have had aren't resulting in any physical sparks.

So, I'm wondering, do you guys have some suggestions about how to take an active approach in getting more sex into my life? Not just having it, but being involved in my city's "sex community" so to speak. I figure this should help make it easier to find people to explore my sexuality with. What sorts of events should I be looking for? Where do sex-positive people congregate? I want to experiment with this area and see where things go.

Sorry if this is not super clear, but I think you get the gist and feel free to add anything that you think might be in the ballpark of what I'm looking for.

Thanks.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 21 users marked this as a favorite

 
There are good online resources for this. Fetlife gets mentioned here a lot; not only is there a MeFi group there, but the really useful part of the site are the city-specific groups and meet-ups.
posted by Forktine at 8:48 AM on November 6, 2010


Consider moving to the Bay Area. As fas as I can tell, sex parties in San Francisco are as to kickball teams and trivia night in DC. Seems to be a pretty normal pasttime there.
posted by yarly at 9:13 AM on November 6, 2010


You need to get over the "socially awkward" part first. You need to get comfortable with approaching and flirting with a large swath of humanity before you're going to get any further. Expecting the men to do all the heavy lifting for you is silly and backwards. People who have lots of sex are generally very extroverted. Start hitting on guys and asking them out yourself.

Your second problem is that you're judging the few people who do share your mindset; the old dudes who approach you. I'm not saying you can't reject anybody and some people are just plain creepy, but its like they say, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you want more sex, some older dudes might be a great match in the bedroom. Unless you are so smokin' hot that you get hit on all the time by guys your age, you need to consider a wider variety of eligible dudes, especially if you want to pursue non-vanilla stuff with them.

And don't judge your friends too harshly for not wanting to talk about sex all the time. Some or even most people consider their sex lives private and it would be an insult to their partner and their relationship to talk about it to a third party. They might be seriously weirded out if you want to talk about you sex life in detail. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of oversharing recently when I really didn't want to be and it's really uncomfortable.
posted by slow graffiti at 9:13 AM on November 6, 2010


Read Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns. Do what it says.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:59 AM on November 6, 2010


Does your city have a burlesque/pin-up troupe? They've become almost as popular cross-country as roller derby, and while not balls-out sex fests they tend to generate an aura of sex positive, woman-friendly social space. I think the chances you'd meet people who are more sexually frank or open in such a place would be higher than normal.

Other than that..I just sort of get by by reading/following folks who talk as frankly as I wish I sometimes could (Pat Califia, Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Madison Young, Betty Dodson, Susie Bright all get mentioned right away usually). Interestingly, frankness about sex is pretty common among contemporary feminists and the places they gather.

And not that this is actually useful advice, but college cities/towns tend to have more outward sex workshop stuff, it often seems. When I lived in Pittsburgh, I felt like you couldn't go more than a few days without hearing about some sex workshop or nerd orgy-like thing or whatnot. And people thought it totally normal to just say at the end of a night after meeting you straight up "do you find me attractive enough to sleep with?" (I heard that! And was amazed.) Maybe it was the multiple universities, maybe it was the fact CMU is full of geeks who think in utilitarian less sentimental terms about such things, I don't know...
posted by ifjuly at 11:38 AM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


Go to Burning Man. Find some other people in your local community who do, too.
posted by red_rabbit at 12:50 PM on November 6, 2010


In San Francisco we have the Center for Sex and Culture; there's a similar place in Seattle, and I'm certain there are similar institutions in Portland and NYC and DC/VA and probably most other major cities. If you're in or near a large metropolitan area, find your local version, peruse their calendar for events (classes, workshops, readings, parties) that look interesting, and then go! It might take you a couple times to get comfortable enough to start socializing with the people you don't know there, but usually once you go a couple-few times people start recognizing and talking to you, and you'll hopefully start making sex-positive friends or at least acquaintances and possibly potential partners. It's a good way for you to start up conversations, too: "Hey, I saw you at the thing here a couple weeks ago! What did you think of it?"

If you have an awesome local sex toy shop (one that's less focused on cheap toys and porn-watching arcades and more focused on quality toys and education), check out their calendar, too. Other events to keep an eye out for on local events calendars: erotic readings, erotic writing workshops, erotic massage classes, sex toy parties/pleasure parties, burlesque classes and performances, etc. Your local free independent weekly paper is a good place to start looking.

If you're interested in kink/BDSM, it's extremely likely there is a community of kinky people near you that hosts munches (informal social events where you can meet other kinky folk) as well as possibly classes, workshops, and parties. As mentioned previously, Fetlife is a good place to start looking for that (Fetlife also often has non-kinky sex events listed, too).

Another option is to join a local volunteer organization that focuses on sexual health education, if there's anything like that near you.
posted by rhiannonstone at 2:04 PM on November 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think rhiannonstone has the right idea - a lot of googl-y research into your town should yield some good results. Definitely check out the local sex toy shop - if they have postcards, postings, flyers at the front desk (and/or making friends/asking this question to a friendly worker there?) - and the local free papers. Also you can sign up for emails from sites like Thrillist who compile and announce places to go and things to do, including in the sex community. I've also actually seen a sex-centered meetup.com group, though cannot verify its events or existence.

If you were in LA I'd go with you! Good luck!
posted by buzzkillington at 6:33 PM on November 6, 2010


« Older Speak up!, except you, commercials.   |   Quiz Nights on Long Island? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.