Humor, it does a body good
November 5, 2010 8:37 AM   Subscribe

Please help me come up with short, funny things to write on a half-pint carton of milk.

I work in a school, delivering lunches to classrooms, among other tasks. I have this one 9 year old kid who hates to drink their milk, so I've been writing funny little messages on their carton to amuse them and at least make them look forward to the milk in one way. To explain what I'm looking for, some recent messages have been "Happy Moooo - nday!", "VOTE MILK!" and "What if it rained milk?" Cheesy humor is totally fine, but gross-out humor would be inappropriate. I haven't got much space to work with (carton is this style, I write on the space equivalent to the solid red rectangle) so shorter is better. I'll also take your tips for writing with a Sharpie on a waxy surface.

As a side note, I've asked the child in question if they enjoy the notes, or would prefer I stop, and they're happy for them to continue.

[anon because it wouldn't surprise me if we had parents who read MeFi, folks at school know it's me writing the milk messages, and I'd like to keep my username separated from work-related questions]
posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (18 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Shake me for a milkshake.

Udder-ly tasty!
posted by hijinx at 8:42 AM on November 5, 2010

I want to MOOOOOVE IT MOOOOOOOVE IT. (Madagascar reference. They'll get it).
posted by SPUTNIK at 8:46 AM on November 5, 2010

"Have you seen me?" - followed by a mug shot of an oreo with a bite out of it.
posted by de void at 8:47 AM on November 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

"I hope you're in the moo-d for some milk!"

"Have some vitamin cow!"

"This milk is more afraid of you than you are of it."

"I hope you make lots of moo-lah when you grow up."
posted by XMLicious at 8:56 AM on November 5, 2010

Also, for writing on wax, maybe a paint pen or paint marker?
posted by XMLicious at 8:57 AM on November 5, 2010

Milk is chillin'.
posted by box at 9:05 AM on November 5, 2010

Milk - it's what humans put on cereal
This milk probably came from a cow
Milk is part of the Milky Way
Milk doesn't rhyme with silk.
Milk is white, unless its chocolate milk.
Open this up, and you'll get some milk.
This milk is extremely milk-like
Milk is like cheese, but not really
Many milkers may milk monstrous amounts of milk

(ok i'll stop)
posted by mrmarley at 9:08 AM on November 5, 2010

"All of your friends are drinking milk"

"Yes, you have indeed got milk"
posted by AugieAugustus at 9:18 AM on November 5, 2010

I'm casting my vote for Sputnik's Madagascar reference. My little sister used to crack up over that, and my cousins still do.

To get around the Sharpie-on-wax, have you thought about writing the messages on stickers or Avery labels, and then just sticking them on the cartons? Or - to save time - just print out a sheet of them? Also, speaking of stickers, how about putting some of those on, too? Smiley faces, stars, that kind of thing.
posted by alynnk at 9:20 AM on November 5, 2010 [2 favorites]

Warning: Do Not Shoot This Through Your Nostrils.

Got milk? Woot!

Drink up, we can't put it back in the cow now!

How now, cool cow!

Milk inside (a la the Intel logo)

Q: 4 wheels, 1 horn, gives milk? A: Milk truck!

Bessie Says: Kid-tested, cow-approved!
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:22 AM on November 5, 2010

Chocolate-Free Chocolate Milk!
I DAIRY You to Drink Me
Don't be a COWard!
Like breakfast without the cereal!
posted by nomad at 9:48 AM on November 5, 2010

Small voice of dissent in the background: in grade school, I was that kid who hated milk, and really resented it when the Lunch Lady made me take a carton in the lunch line. I made the mistake of telling her once "I don't like milk, I'm only going to throw it away." So then she informed one of the teachers who acted as a cafeteria monitor and he stood by and made me drink it. I just barely made it to the girls' room to avoid ralphing all over the lunch table. (This was in the early 1970s, when teachers and other school personnel were the Voice of Authority and kids' parents didn't automatically think "lawsuit!" when we were forced to do something distasteful.) I eventually learned to just take the milk and give it away to someone who liked it. (I don't think I'm lactose intolerant, since I can eat cheese and yogurt and other dairy products with no problem, but I've never been able to tolerate the taste of white milk.) So, anyway, my advice is to not badger the kid into drinking something he doesn't like. You won't be responsible for his eventual Vitamin D deficiency or osteoporosis, and you don't follow him around insisting that he eat his broccoli or green beans sandwich crusts, do you?
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:22 AM on November 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

How about something that builds up over the course of a week? Like "Draw a cow!" and progressive stages of an easy cow drawing, adding on one each day.

Or a knock-knock joke told in stages all week:
Who's there?
Dairy who?
Dairy's someone at the door, open up!
posted by dywypi at 10:23 AM on November 5, 2010 [2 favorites]


Nice, but should be "I like to..." not "I want to..."
posted by Dragonness at 10:25 AM on November 5, 2010

"Just like mom used to make!"
(I would have found this hysterical as a 9-year-old.)
posted by coolguymichael at 11:56 AM on November 5, 2010

This will make you a better fossil. Eventually.
Got lack-o lacto?
Now with more milk
Bone up!
The other white drink.
Kittens like this.
Builds strong bones and dairy farms.
Hide it in your desk til tomorrow, and it's yogurt!
Because you're too young for coffee.
Drink this or they'll fire me.
20 years from now you can make kids drink this too.
Justin Bieber hates this too.
Drink your milk, feed a farmer.
I'm Old McDonald, and I approved this message.
Milk Party 2012
100% RDA, oh just drink it willya
It's Monday (name), sorry I got nothin.
Drink this and you can stay up late tonight.
Your teachers ATM code is MILK
How now? Wow Cow!
Two words. Agricultural subsidies.
Pour it in your Wii, makes instant paperweight.
Milk spelled backwards is Klim.
Just pretend it's soda.
Like a smoothie without the bananas.
This would cost you $4 at Starbucks
Chow Cow Right Now.
Psst. There's quiz after lunch, Pass it on.
Cereal killers drink milk.
Don't make cows sad.
Essentially, it's liquid steak.
The FDA say is it's OK
As close to a Red Bull as youre gonna get around here.
Open, drink, repeat.
It's this or get a calcium shot.
Live dangeously, could be goats milk.
How do you think vampires get those strong fangs?
posted by timsteil at 12:52 PM on November 5, 2010

From the OP:
Hijinx, SPUTNIK, XMLicious, MonkeyToes, nomad, and dywypi; you hit exactly the right note for length, humor and appropriateness - thanks!

Timsteil, way too snarky/sarcastic for the kid. I'd be amused if they were on my milk carton, though.

Oriole Adams, I hear ya, and if it was my kid, I'd give them their dairy another way. The parents order and pay for the kid to get a carton of milk every day, and my job is to deliver it. Since neither the kid or I has a choice, I'm trying to make the experience a little more fun, at least. They enjoy the messages and special attention. The parents are aware that their child doesn't enjoy milk, but that hasn't changed them ordering it.

Any more, folks? I write a new message *every day*...
posted by mathowie at 9:48 PM on November 5, 2010

OP, this goes beyond your original request, but have you considered:

1) A line-a-day rhyme, like the old Burma-Shave billboards ("Within this vale / Of toil / And sin / Your head grows bald / But not your chin - use / Burma-Shave")?

For skin that's soft
And smooth as silk
And drink your milk!
Brought to you by Bessie & Co(w).

2) A cryptogram, where you give him the key on Monday and write coded "Go get 'em" messages of encouragement all week? Or brief quotations? ("Keep breathing"--Sophie Tucker)

3) Short quotations from famous (well, to a 9-y.-o.) pop figures? And he has to tell you who said it? I'm thinking things like "To infinity--and beyond!" Ditto trivia questions: What fat cat loves lasagna?

4) Or perhaps oddball trivia?
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:40 PM on November 6, 2010

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