How is babby fun?
November 1, 2010 7:39 PM   Subscribe

Oh god, conceiving isn't fun. How do you make planned spontaneity romantic when sex is suddenly a duty?

Conceiving isn't as easy as all those health class films led us to believe years ago. Sure, our doctor is on the health angle and taking care of that.

Except we've never been incredibly frequent so having sex on a schedule is turning us both off. We love each other, find the other attractive, but have never been more frequent than once a week even in our stress free times.

We've stopped basal temperature-ing (nightstand reminder) and the girl half of us has tried both announcing the fertility status and hiding it and both put a damper on sexiness for one or both.

We know it's a common problem, but besides drinking wine every night for 6 days around ovulation, how does a not-so-frequent couple actually get babbied without it turning into a (totally turn off) chore?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

Maybe make it a game? Like, hold off on sex for all the other days of the month, and then go at it only when baby-potential-time rolls around? Or you could stop focusing on it for a while and endeavor to let the good times roll without "trying" for it.
posted by patronuscharms at 7:46 PM on November 1, 2010

Does the male half still masturbate? If he does and you guys just don't like having sex that often, but still want to get the sperm where it needs to go, what about a turkey baster?
posted by Jacqueline at 8:09 PM on November 1, 2010

(1) girl half buys 6 different types of lingerie of six different colors. play a game with that.

(2) change positions each night for the final fireworks

(3) go out to romantic dinners 3 out of six nights.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:09 PM on November 1, 2010

every night for 6 days around ovulation,

If the issue is that neither of you feels like having sex 6 nights in a row, you can narrow down the fertility window way more than that. Are you using ovulation predictor tests? You should be able to have sex once or twice during her luteal hormone surge (what the tests detect) and be done with it. Obviously, the more you have sex the better the chances. But really, six nights in a row is not necessary.
posted by amro at 8:15 PM on November 1, 2010

luteinizing, not luteal
posted by amro at 8:16 PM on November 1, 2010

I suppose if it truly is a chore you both should treat it as one. Sync your calendars set times- both starting and ending. Lots of alarms, lights on at all times etc

The other option could be to randomize each session. Use a dartboard, with military time you both could establish the time of the chore. The interesting part of this could be that you don't adjust your other daily activities. Your at work, instead of a coffee break ... At the folks, gotta take a nap Mom I have a headache.
posted by pianomover at 8:20 PM on November 1, 2010

Once the baby comes, you will have a well deserved respite from this toil. Try to remember the weeks and weeks of no lovemaking for the first year, and soldier on as best you can.
posted by Danf at 8:23 PM on November 1, 2010

role playing?
posted by bright and shiny at 8:34 PM on November 1, 2010

Old'n'Busted, this is how hard some of us have to try in order to have children. The "Relax! It'll happen!" trope doesn't help anything.

Anon, I had to try for 18 months for my first, and 13 for my second. It got to the point where we were referring to the act as "JCS," for Joyless Chorelike Sex. That's actually the best thing we did, was maintain a sense of humor about it and acknowledge that no, really, this wasn't fun, but it was necessary to get what we wanted. We shifted a lot of our Fun to non-procreative sex, we used ovulation predictor kits religiously, and only had actual PIV sex every other day during the fertile window, to cut down on the repetitiveness.

Apart from that? a lot of porn, honestly. We used every method at our disposal to be able to bring, if not our A-game, at least our B-minus game to the bedroom. It was rough. BUT I promise you that the effects are fleeting, and it doesn't take long at all to get back into the "wait! I can do this just because it's fun and appealing!" groove.
posted by KathrynT at 8:46 PM on November 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

Do either of you have particular fantasies or fetishes that don't get indulged too often? Take turns picking one for conception night. After all, tying someone up so that they're completely at your mercy also requires a ton of work and some up-front planning. But never feels tedious or obligatory. Or so I've been led to believe... *cough*
posted by centerweight at 8:49 PM on November 1, 2010

if you aren't already using an ovulation test kit, I can Really cheap and really easy to use.

That can pinpoint the ovulation down to a 48 hour window.
posted by HMSSM at 8:51 PM on November 1, 2010

Sexy are REALLY cheap right now (for the next 24 hours or so). Cheap enough to buy a dozen silly outfits and add some mirth to what has become a chore.
posted by JimmyJames at 9:01 PM on November 1, 2010

Sexy Halloween Costumes*
posted by JimmyJames at 9:01 PM on November 1, 2010

Maybe picking a random sex deck card?
posted by malocchio at 9:04 PM on November 1, 2010

Just so you know, you are not alone and it is fairly horrible. JCS is a pretty apt description; we called it GOF (Goal Oriented Fucking). FYI, conventional wisdom based on actual science says every other day through your window is sufficient to get the job done, which is a huge help.

A sense of humour is totally required, as is acknowledging that this is not likely to be the best sex you've ever had. Not masturbating and not having sex the rest of the month can also help but you need to be careful there - some couples really need the Happy Happy Fun Sex to re-connect.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:13 PM on November 1, 2010

Anon, MeMail me if you have interest in my POV.
posted by davejay at 9:20 PM on November 1, 2010

Been there. Here's the thing: you're doing a job, and there's no getting around that fact. So you have to work with it.

DarlingBri has summarized this well, but to follow:

Finding The Humor is something that often works for my personality type, and it seems to have put my wife at ease too. Understand that sex doesn't have to be about hotness or dirtiness or smack-my-assness. It can be about other types of intimacy too, and yes, that can include humor, though that doesn't work for every personality type.

Examples include things like walking into the room as Underwear Pulled Up Way High Person, or The Peniscopter, or Let's Vogue While We Fuck. I once shouted out during foreplay, "COME ON, GIVE ME THE OL' CINCINNATI BISCUIT!" Which left my wife howling with laughter, briefly derailed things, but put us back on track with dropped inhibitions.

Like I said, it's not for everyone, but unexpected laughter drops barriers for some people and, while, not exactly Sexy Sex for the Sexy People Sexy Time Sex, it does remove some of the artificiality by frankly acknowledging it and saying "Isn't this silly? Here, we're laughing, now put this in your mouth for me."

It reminds you that you love each other and have a good time together. It acknowledges that your sex life isn't a movie. It's real life, back pimples and all. And that makes it concrete and way more meaningful.

I should reiterate that this is way harder for certain personality types, and even harder for those who have been trying for A Very Long Time, something I was fortunate enough not to have experienced. But procreative sex is often just that, unless you can do things like text your partner for a midday risky public locale to keep things spicy (which, if you can, GO FOR THAT NOW).
posted by middleclasstool at 10:43 PM on November 1, 2010 [14 favorites]

Go to a motel on your lunch break.
posted by K.P. at 5:30 AM on November 2, 2010

We just went the other way and deliberately made it into a chore during my fertile period. Did it straight after dinner, just like washing the dishes. Then we didn't have the stress of having to *make* it good for us, it just happened. We got it over with and carried on with the evening.

I agree that I make it sound completely unappealing, but having no expectations at all about the quality of the sex got us through it with no fuss. May not appeal to your personality type. (and no, it had no long-term repercussions on our sex life. A toddler took care of that :) )
posted by gaspode at 5:57 AM on November 2, 2010

Motel on a lunch break is a good idea, but meeting at home at lunch for a shower and some GOF (love that phrase) worked for us. Better than thinking about it all day and just feeling annoyed when bed time rolled around.

Also nthing the ovulation tests. Somehow that helped us.
posted by that's candlepin at 7:59 AM on November 2, 2010

We acknowledged that sometimes it wasn't going to be that fun and just straight up asked each other: do you want romance, or a five minute quickie? Usually we were both on the same page, and it helped to keep it light-hearted and not so serious every time. Then when we wanted to take more time, we were more able to enjoy it given that it wasn't forced.
posted by questionsandanchors at 11:44 AM on November 2, 2010

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