From One Many
October 30, 2010 8:52 PM Subscribe
How to I do effectively go from being a few friends person to being a many friends person? For most of my life I was the kind of person who had a small, intense circle of friendship and now I have a much larger and less focused social sphere - and I'm having trouble managing it and making sure I spending enough time with people - not feeling guilty about not seeing people for weeks - having people who are friendly but not your super duper friends - and just dealing with suddenly having a much, much larger social world when you're used to a private, focused one.
'How' depends on many variables. I would say age, school, health, etc.
friends are everything as family. the age old question 'would you lend them money?', not fitting, but one step further. Would you let them live with you? A bigger question would you die for one or all of them. The gist is if one says yes or no, friendship should remain.
the short version of not feeling guilty about less time spent is to simply tell them your guilt.
dealing with it should become self-evident.
posted by clavdivs at 9:32 PM on October 30, 2010
friends are everything as family. the age old question 'would you lend them money?', not fitting, but one step further. Would you let them live with you? A bigger question would you die for one or all of them. The gist is if one says yes or no, friendship should remain.
the short version of not feeling guilty about less time spent is to simply tell them your guilt.
dealing with it should become self-evident.
posted by clavdivs at 9:32 PM on October 30, 2010
a) Don't be afraid to "lose" friends. If you lose touch on good terms, reuniting in the future will be a joy for both.
b) Be sincere and appreciative in the few moments you have with each person. Quality wins over quantity.
posted by Galen at 10:10 PM on October 30, 2010
b) Be sincere and appreciative in the few moments you have with each person. Quality wins over quantity.
posted by Galen at 10:10 PM on October 30, 2010
Get organized.
Without letting them know you're doing it, and without taking it too seriously yourself (lest you become cynical about it), treat keeping in touch with the "non-core" friends in a similar way to how you'd go about maintaining a set of business networks or contact lists.
To start with, divide up the time you have to see people. 5-7 lunches a week, 5-7 dinners a week, a brunch or two, as many after-dinner partying slots as you can survive, as much email/facebook/twitter/phone/telegram-writing time as you can handle. Leave some extended time slots for the really close people and taking care of yourself.
Set up and print out a calendar and a schedule. Then work out who you want to spend time with most. Who fits with who. Who gets on with who. Who do you enjoy seeing together. Who do you want see alone. Venn diagrams.. Flow Charts!
Generally, assume that you can have lunch or dinner with 4-6 people at a time, and still attend to everyone personally. Or that you can party with 40-60 and manage to spend a few minutes letting everyone know you're still thinking of them.
Then organize yourself and do it. It'll be tiring at first. But try and push through that, and if it continues to be a real drain, then maybe you're just meant to be a small group person.
Finally, without actually knowing you, you do seem to be able to handle a large network here. You seem like an extrovert, and you seem like you genuinely enjoy interacting with a whole lot of people at once. So maybe this is just about organization. It has to be worth giving it a go.
posted by Ahab at 10:32 PM on October 30, 2010
Without letting them know you're doing it, and without taking it too seriously yourself (lest you become cynical about it), treat keeping in touch with the "non-core" friends in a similar way to how you'd go about maintaining a set of business networks or contact lists.
To start with, divide up the time you have to see people. 5-7 lunches a week, 5-7 dinners a week, a brunch or two, as many after-dinner partying slots as you can survive, as much email/facebook/twitter/phone/telegram-writing time as you can handle. Leave some extended time slots for the really close people and taking care of yourself.
Set up and print out a calendar and a schedule. Then work out who you want to spend time with most. Who fits with who. Who gets on with who. Who do you enjoy seeing together. Who do you want see alone. Venn diagrams.. Flow Charts!
Generally, assume that you can have lunch or dinner with 4-6 people at a time, and still attend to everyone personally. Or that you can party with 40-60 and manage to spend a few minutes letting everyone know you're still thinking of them.
Then organize yourself and do it. It'll be tiring at first. But try and push through that, and if it continues to be a real drain, then maybe you're just meant to be a small group person.
Finally, without actually knowing you, you do seem to be able to handle a large network here. You seem like an extrovert, and you seem like you genuinely enjoy interacting with a whole lot of people at once. So maybe this is just about organization. It has to be worth giving it a go.
posted by Ahab at 10:32 PM on October 30, 2010
Nearly everyone I know and have talked to about this sort of thing has different tiers of friends: the core group of friends, and the larger group of social friends/acquaintances--this usually breaks down even further into groups of friends that one irregularly makes plans to see, and social friends/acquaintances that one happily and accidentally meets while doing something else.
While I am not as organized as Ahab is, I find that co-existing with all of these groups is great. My core friends I'll try to see at least once a week/every two weeks, and they are the people that I can spontaneously call up for a friend date. My larger group of friends I'll see more irregularly and usually in large group situations like parties, and most of the time I don't put a lot of effort into seeing them.
My core friends are the ones that I go to for everything, but for me it's important to maintain the larger network too for things like their own good company, as well as job and romantic possibilities.
You really only need to give as much as you can, and it's important to remember that most likely other people aren't thinking about this as much as you do. (I am guilty of seriously overthinking this kind of thing, especially as I fall into the line-item spectrum of reciprocity, but as my close friends have gently pointed out to me, it shouldn't be something that stresses me out.)
posted by so much modern time at 12:28 AM on October 31, 2010
While I am not as organized as Ahab is, I find that co-existing with all of these groups is great. My core friends I'll try to see at least once a week/every two weeks, and they are the people that I can spontaneously call up for a friend date. My larger group of friends I'll see more irregularly and usually in large group situations like parties, and most of the time I don't put a lot of effort into seeing them.
My core friends are the ones that I go to for everything, but for me it's important to maintain the larger network too for things like their own good company, as well as job and romantic possibilities.
You really only need to give as much as you can, and it's important to remember that most likely other people aren't thinking about this as much as you do. (I am guilty of seriously overthinking this kind of thing, especially as I fall into the line-item spectrum of reciprocity, but as my close friends have gently pointed out to me, it shouldn't be something that stresses me out.)
posted by so much modern time at 12:28 AM on October 31, 2010
slappy_pinchbottom has the right idea. With the larger, more spread out friendships that you've come into, it's quite likely that there's going to be little problem seeing them less often, or making contact (calls, emails) less frequently than you did with the smaller group of core friends.
to some extent, getting older kind of does this to us, I think. Some of my 'core' friends have kind of become just the normal kind of friend, they've gotten married, they have other things to deal with. I would prefer to see my friends more often than I do, but I content myself with managing to see them when I can. Some of my better friends I haven't seen face to face for months at a time. When that's the case, I make sure to respond to their mails and calls much more promptly than I used to, when I saw them every day.
One thing you can do, though, is try to make an effort to express congrats/happy birthdays, and such. It lets people know that you do think of them, even though you haven't seen each other as much.
posted by Ghidorah at 12:36 AM on October 31, 2010
to some extent, getting older kind of does this to us, I think. Some of my 'core' friends have kind of become just the normal kind of friend, they've gotten married, they have other things to deal with. I would prefer to see my friends more often than I do, but I content myself with managing to see them when I can. Some of my better friends I haven't seen face to face for months at a time. When that's the case, I make sure to respond to their mails and calls much more promptly than I used to, when I saw them every day.
One thing you can do, though, is try to make an effort to express congrats/happy birthdays, and such. It lets people know that you do think of them, even though you haven't seen each other as much.
posted by Ghidorah at 12:36 AM on October 31, 2010
You can still do both, if you wish. I'm trying to manage that myself. I have a small, core group of 3 or 4, and then a much wider group of people that are moving and changing within the peripheries.
If you're feeling zapped, emotionally and energy-wise, it may be a good thought exercise to examine the way you approach these various friendships. For me, I find that having two so-to-speak "modes" helps. When I am with non-inner-circle people, I try to make my interactions brief but intense. So, if I'm at a party, I may only end up spending 5 minutes chatting with you, but I try to really listen and engage, shutting everything and everyone else out. But if you're a core person, I may spend hours in your company at another time, with my guard completely down and not really focussing too much on what I do/say and how it's perceived. It's more intimate for several reasons, but the biggest (for me) being that I don't have to "perform" who I am (ex. identity construction; qualifying statements, giving background info, explaining the context or who I am/was) and I don't have to spend as much time figuring out who you are and what drives the things you do/say. I find those two aspects of communication to be really enjoyable, but a huge drain on my mental and emotional resources, which is why I have to really be conscious of how thin I spread myself socially.
Basically, sprints for the many, endurance runs for few; prep accordingly.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:50 AM on October 31, 2010
If you're feeling zapped, emotionally and energy-wise, it may be a good thought exercise to examine the way you approach these various friendships. For me, I find that having two so-to-speak "modes" helps. When I am with non-inner-circle people, I try to make my interactions brief but intense. So, if I'm at a party, I may only end up spending 5 minutes chatting with you, but I try to really listen and engage, shutting everything and everyone else out. But if you're a core person, I may spend hours in your company at another time, with my guard completely down and not really focussing too much on what I do/say and how it's perceived. It's more intimate for several reasons, but the biggest (for me) being that I don't have to "perform" who I am (ex. identity construction; qualifying statements, giving background info, explaining the context or who I am/was) and I don't have to spend as much time figuring out who you are and what drives the things you do/say. I find those two aspects of communication to be really enjoyable, but a huge drain on my mental and emotional resources, which is why I have to really be conscious of how thin I spread myself socially.
Basically, sprints for the many, endurance runs for few; prep accordingly.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:50 AM on October 31, 2010
I found myself in your situation about four years ago. I developed something similar to "the Ahab method." Except that I use Google Calendar for everything, and I never hang out with more than one friend at a time. (But I'm not juggling the volume of people that Ahab seems to be.)
I put people into three categories: Weekly Friends, Monthly Friends, and Quarterly Friends. Each time I visit with one, when I go home I put a note on my calendar the appropriate amount of time later.
Let's say I've put you in the Monthly bucket and we just went to dinner. I'd go home and put a note on my calendar for the end of next month, "schedule dinner w/The Whelk." This is a lot more free-form than Ahab's method, but nicely flexible.
Sorting people into categories is based on how busy they are and how complicated it is to meet them. Not by how much I like them. (Although obviously I have some "meh" friends who have ended up in the Quarterly category for that reason, and vice versa.)
For many people, the less often I see them, the more time I'll schedule with them when I do. I have one friend who's Quarterly at best. When we meet up, we usually spend the entire afternoon together. Whereas a lot of my Weekly friends are a 1-2 hour dinner or coffee, tops.
posted by ErikaB at 8:43 AM on October 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I put people into three categories: Weekly Friends, Monthly Friends, and Quarterly Friends. Each time I visit with one, when I go home I put a note on my calendar the appropriate amount of time later.
Let's say I've put you in the Monthly bucket and we just went to dinner. I'd go home and put a note on my calendar for the end of next month, "schedule dinner w/The Whelk." This is a lot more free-form than Ahab's method, but nicely flexible.
Sorting people into categories is based on how busy they are and how complicated it is to meet them. Not by how much I like them. (Although obviously I have some "meh" friends who have ended up in the Quarterly category for that reason, and vice versa.)
For many people, the less often I see them, the more time I'll schedule with them when I do. I have one friend who's Quarterly at best. When we meet up, we usually spend the entire afternoon together. Whereas a lot of my Weekly friends are a 1-2 hour dinner or coffee, tops.
posted by ErikaB at 8:43 AM on October 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't give details, but my hunch is that this change in affairs is not something you have deliberately "chosen" as such - maybe a change in city, job has done it? My point is, are you trying to change to be a "many friends" person, or do you simply feel obligated to keep up with everyone in this new group?
There is good advice already given here. Since you say you had a small group of friends for a long time, you need to cut yourself a heap of slack whilst you're transitioning. Try juggling with a small number of people, then work up.
Another way of dealing with this is prioritising. The more interesting the friend, the higher the priority for time. This helps to cut down on feeling guilty for not hanging out with the people lower down the order.
FWIW, I don't do the whole "core/non-core" thing. Someone's either a friend or they're not. You either get the complete super deluxe friendship package, or you don't. Life's too short for me to bother with those that don't appreciate/get/have time for me, and with prioritisation, they pretty swiftly become persona non grata. Cuts out a heck of a lot of stress for me; YMMV.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 4:40 PM on October 31, 2010
There is good advice already given here. Since you say you had a small group of friends for a long time, you need to cut yourself a heap of slack whilst you're transitioning. Try juggling with a small number of people, then work up.
Another way of dealing with this is prioritising. The more interesting the friend, the higher the priority for time. This helps to cut down on feeling guilty for not hanging out with the people lower down the order.
FWIW, I don't do the whole "core/non-core" thing. Someone's either a friend or they're not. You either get the complete super deluxe friendship package, or you don't. Life's too short for me to bother with those that don't appreciate/get/have time for me, and with prioritisation, they pretty swiftly become persona non grata. Cuts out a heck of a lot of stress for me; YMMV.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 4:40 PM on October 31, 2010
Response by poster:
You don't give details, but my hunch is that this change in affairs is not something you have deliberately "chosen" as such - maybe a change in city, job has done it? My point is, are you trying to change to be a "many friends" person, or do you simply feel obligated to keep up with everyone in this new group?
Basically, I'm now in the sudden possession of a much larger social group then I'm used to, and it's great! But the only kind of friendship I knew beforehand was that talk-every-day-super intense kind of friendship and now I'm feeling awkward and without a script cause now I've got a lot more people in my friend bar. And these answers have been super-helpful in the moving to another concept of social sphere without going nuts sense.
posted by The Whelk at 11:23 PM on October 31, 2010
You don't give details, but my hunch is that this change in affairs is not something you have deliberately "chosen" as such - maybe a change in city, job has done it? My point is, are you trying to change to be a "many friends" person, or do you simply feel obligated to keep up with everyone in this new group?
Basically, I'm now in the sudden possession of a much larger social group then I'm used to, and it's great! But the only kind of friendship I knew beforehand was that talk-every-day-super intense kind of friendship and now I'm feeling awkward and without a script cause now I've got a lot more people in my friend bar. And these answers have been super-helpful in the moving to another concept of social sphere without going nuts sense.
posted by The Whelk at 11:23 PM on October 31, 2010
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Imagine yourself in an old-fashioned small town. Your intense circle of friendship translates basically to the close extended families most people used to be part of, who are obligated to check in on one another, help each other out of jams, let each other know of major life changes, get together regularly, etc. Your less focused social sphere translates to neighbors on your block, and maybe people you see in church. It's nice when you see them, and it's nice to have a regular occasion to do so, but it's nothing you really need to spend a lot of time engineering. You could probably get some help from some of them in a real emergency, and you'd probably pitch in to help one of them likewise, if it wasn't too much trouble, but it's nothing you'd want to rely on, really, or commit yourself to too formally.
The way you make sure to see people in the wider, less focused social circle is to host and/or attend events where a good number of them will be there, so you can kill lots of birds with one party, as it were. These often require or are based on some shared interest (like church, or the Moose Lodge, or a park clean-up day, or a drug party, or a Metafilter meetup.) Trying to keep track of every individual in the wider circle and make sure you connect with each one enough is the path to madness, as you're discovering.
If you really and truly care about connecting individually with someone on a frequent basis, they're actually part of your inner circle, or you want them to be, and so a different set of protocols apply -- the one you're used to using with your close pals. But our carrying capacity for true intimates definitely has a limit, and if you've already maxed it out with existing close friends you may have to regretfully accept that you don't have time or space in your life for cultivating new ones right now.
posted by slappy_pinchbottom at 9:23 PM on October 30, 2010 [6 favorites]