For the umpteenth time, how to get over heartache.
October 30, 2010 12:10 PM Subscribe
Split with my boyfriend of six years. We were each other's best friends, confidantes, emotional support. And now, that's gone. How do I fill the void?
I finally did it. I broke up with the man I've loved for 6 years. Some of you may remember me from a heart-wrenching drama I went through a while ago, when we took a break from each other. He decided he wanted to try again, I said okay... and we quickly saw that we weren't right for each other. Yesterday we said goodbye, for the foreseeable future. We can't be friends, because it's just too much heartache and emotion; until we both heal, which may take a long while.
In the past year, we both moved cities to be closer to each other, changed jobs, and were so involved in each other's lives that we didn't take time to make new friends. Now, I find myself in dire need of someone to be around, interact with, so I don't go crazy staring at the walls and feeling like the world is coming to an end. I know tons of you out there have felt the same way. I no longer know what to do on a weekend night because we'd usually spend time with each other. We didn't live together, but we may as well have for all the time we spent with each other. I don't have many friends. I have one or two friends who live about a 20-minute drive from me who are happy to talk to me on the phone... but the only person I know within a ten mile radius is him. I think I'm looking for stories of personal experience/ advice on how to deal with being completely alone, how to get over losing my best friend, and how to overcome the fear that I may spend the rest of my life alone. Thank you so much for your thoughts, MeFi.
I finally did it. I broke up with the man I've loved for 6 years. Some of you may remember me from a heart-wrenching drama I went through a while ago, when we took a break from each other. He decided he wanted to try again, I said okay... and we quickly saw that we weren't right for each other. Yesterday we said goodbye, for the foreseeable future. We can't be friends, because it's just too much heartache and emotion; until we both heal, which may take a long while.
In the past year, we both moved cities to be closer to each other, changed jobs, and were so involved in each other's lives that we didn't take time to make new friends. Now, I find myself in dire need of someone to be around, interact with, so I don't go crazy staring at the walls and feeling like the world is coming to an end. I know tons of you out there have felt the same way. I no longer know what to do on a weekend night because we'd usually spend time with each other. We didn't live together, but we may as well have for all the time we spent with each other. I don't have many friends. I have one or two friends who live about a 20-minute drive from me who are happy to talk to me on the phone... but the only person I know within a ten mile radius is him. I think I'm looking for stories of personal experience/ advice on how to deal with being completely alone, how to get over losing my best friend, and how to overcome the fear that I may spend the rest of my life alone. Thank you so much for your thoughts, MeFi.
get a really good book and start reading it
posted by Salvatorparadise at 12:30 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Salvatorparadise at 12:30 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
would a Mefi meetup be within the realm of possibility?
Books are nice but what you really need at the moment is PEOPLE.
If you are so inclined, church might not be a bad idea as well. You will want a thriving congregation with small groups, if this is the direction you go in.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:51 PM on October 30, 2010
Books are nice but what you really need at the moment is PEOPLE.
If you are so inclined, church might not be a bad idea as well. You will want a thriving congregation with small groups, if this is the direction you go in.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:51 PM on October 30, 2010
Sounds like it's time to ask your friends and family in other cities if they have any job leads...
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:51 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 12:51 PM on October 30, 2010
Find things to volunteer for like local festivals and charities (my favourite way to meet new people). Go try online dating even if you're not particularly interested in a relationship, it can be fun just to go out on a date and meet someone new for an evening. Ask people you work with or go to school with if they'd like to get a coffee sometime. Strike up conversations with people at the supermarket. Go to a pub and order a beer, read a book.
And otherwise, yeah, you just have to learn to appreciate your alone time more. Being single for a while can help you get to know yourself as an individual again, instead of one of a pair.
posted by lizbunny at 12:59 PM on October 30, 2010
And otherwise, yeah, you just have to learn to appreciate your alone time more. Being single for a while can help you get to know yourself as an individual again, instead of one of a pair.
posted by lizbunny at 12:59 PM on October 30, 2010
+1 to volunteering. If you're glum, helping other people can really improve your mood.
posted by brianogilvie at 1:02 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by brianogilvie at 1:02 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh jeez. I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. It's horrible.
The last time the things that got me through my last epic breakup were yoga, jogging, therapy and lots of time with friends and family. I got really into work and restarted various neglected side projects. The whole breakup actually made me a lot closer to friends and led me to get to know some people that I only knew peripherally before. I'm hoping that will work for me again.
One habit I got into that helped a lot was to sort of "treat" myself once a day, usually after work when I had an hour or two to kill. I would just do something small, intentional and satisfying: cook a decent meal, buy some new socks, watch a movie, drink a beer in the park (jurisdiction depending), etc. Somehow made me feel like more of a whole person.
Stay strong, as much as you can. When you can't, forgive yourself for it and let yourself wallow for an hour or two. Once it's out of your system, get back up and go on with the day-to-day.
Also, this one's not for everyone but slightly cheesy, soul-inspired dance music does pick me up. Dancing in general is pretty good.
The Germans say "Halt die Ohren steif!" (Keep your ears stiff!) which makes no sense but is somehow fortifying.
posted by mr.ersatz at 1:16 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
The last time the things that got me through my last epic breakup were yoga, jogging, therapy and lots of time with friends and family. I got really into work and restarted various neglected side projects. The whole breakup actually made me a lot closer to friends and led me to get to know some people that I only knew peripherally before. I'm hoping that will work for me again.
One habit I got into that helped a lot was to sort of "treat" myself once a day, usually after work when I had an hour or two to kill. I would just do something small, intentional and satisfying: cook a decent meal, buy some new socks, watch a movie, drink a beer in the park (jurisdiction depending), etc. Somehow made me feel like more of a whole person.
Stay strong, as much as you can. When you can't, forgive yourself for it and let yourself wallow for an hour or two. Once it's out of your system, get back up and go on with the day-to-day.
Also, this one's not for everyone but slightly cheesy, soul-inspired dance music does pick me up. Dancing in general is pretty good.
The Germans say "Halt die Ohren steif!" (Keep your ears stiff!) which makes no sense but is somehow fortifying.
posted by mr.ersatz at 1:16 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Congratulations for getting yourself out of a bad relationship! The next few weeks will be hellish, but you'll get through them. Right now, forget about big abstract problems like "being along forever" and "how to get over losing my best friend." You just need to distract yourself and take care of yourself on a day to day basis. Here are some guidelines:
RULE #1: DO NOT CALL HIM, DO NOT SEE HIM, DO NOT TEXT HIM, DO NOT IM HIM, DO NOT SKYPE HIM, DO NOT WRITE HIM A POSTCARD, DO NOT SENT HIM A TELEGRAM. Seriously. No contact at all. If you need to exchange stuff, have a friend do it for you. Every time you have contact with him in this period will set you back.
RULE #2: Lean on your friends. Go drive out to see those friends who are 20 minutes away and tell the you need company -- watch movies, go for a walk, etc. Call random old friends you haven't talked to in forever.
RULE #3: Get outside and exercise.
RULE #4: Keep busy and give yourself structure every day to keep yourself from dwelling on him. Work, movies, yoga classes, road trips, museums... get yourself out of the house.
SUMMARY: Treat this like you have a three-week long illness. Your medicine is staying active, bearing your sadness without freaking out, being around friends, and NOT TALKING TO HIM. I promise you that you'll be much, much better in three weeks if you follow this prescription.
posted by yarly at 1:27 PM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
RULE #1: DO NOT CALL HIM, DO NOT SEE HIM, DO NOT TEXT HIM, DO NOT IM HIM, DO NOT SKYPE HIM, DO NOT WRITE HIM A POSTCARD, DO NOT SENT HIM A TELEGRAM. Seriously. No contact at all. If you need to exchange stuff, have a friend do it for you. Every time you have contact with him in this period will set you back.
RULE #2: Lean on your friends. Go drive out to see those friends who are 20 minutes away and tell the you need company -- watch movies, go for a walk, etc. Call random old friends you haven't talked to in forever.
RULE #3: Get outside and exercise.
RULE #4: Keep busy and give yourself structure every day to keep yourself from dwelling on him. Work, movies, yoga classes, road trips, museums... get yourself out of the house.
SUMMARY: Treat this like you have a three-week long illness. Your medicine is staying active, bearing your sadness without freaking out, being around friends, and NOT TALKING TO HIM. I promise you that you'll be much, much better in three weeks if you follow this prescription.
posted by yarly at 1:27 PM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
You need to laugh with other people. Find as many ways as possible to do this. Going to a show of some kind is the most direct way, but the point is that you need to be with friends, and be laughing.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:28 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Countess Elena at 1:28 PM on October 30, 2010
When my wife left me I chose to put an online profile on a dating site right away. In the ad I stated clearly and without ambiguity that I was recently divorced and not looking for any serious relationship but wanted to do the non-sexual couple things that I was now missing. The hardest things for me were replacing my wife as a nightly dinner companion...I couldn't bear the thought of cooking for one in a big empty house when that had been my favorite thing to do, cook dinner and watch a movie, so I had to do that with someone. I ended up meeting a fellow recent divorcée whose companionship literally saved my life in the first few weeks and months. People might look at you askance and say "isn't it kind of soon to date?" to which I would reply, "I'm not dating, I'm looking for friends of the opposite sex to help me grind out minute after minute of recovery". Good luck to you. Try yoga too.
posted by vito90 at 2:01 PM on October 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by vito90 at 2:01 PM on October 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
Try www.meetup.com for friends and okcupid for dating/friendship. You don't have to make new a best friend right away, just people that are nice enough to hang out with. I am in a similar situation as you, and those websites have helped me out. You're not going to spend the rest of your life alone, either, though it always feels like that after a breakup of a serious relationship. That is just a natural fear that can follow. Push through it, and don't worry about your future, just enjoy the now. Also, I think it is healthy to maintain friendships with others even if you do get into another long-term relationship.
If your family is nearby spend more time with them, and if they're not nearby, try communicating via e-mail and phone often.
posted by mrdmsy at 2:52 PM on October 30, 2010
If your family is nearby spend more time with them, and if they're not nearby, try communicating via e-mail and phone often.
posted by mrdmsy at 2:52 PM on October 30, 2010
Know that it will get better. Knowing that intellectually doesn't equal believing it in your heart, but repeat it to yourself just the same.
When my engagement ended this year, even though I knew it was for the best, I could barely pick myself up off the ground for sobbing. I live across the ocean from my nearest and dearest, and while I do have friends in this country, the people who will take me out and comfort me and listen to me whine were all across the sea when this hit. Having people tell me that time would help did not help. But they were right.
Some recommendations based on what eased things for me (and easing is the best you can hope for in the very short term):
1) Reach out to the people around you - not as confidantes, but as company. Invite co-workers for a drink, arrange a dinner party, invite somebody to an exhibition. In the six months since I've been single I've had so many co-workers tell me "we never knew you were fun!" because i had completely ignored my social life -- that was much easier to correct than I thought it would be. You just have to start. Some things depend on the size of your city, but a book club, alumni group, community organizations - all can be decent ways to meet people.
2) Do something completely new and exciting. Whether it's a new hobby or a crazy trip or whatever: it reminds you that life has not ended. You can grow and change and that the world is full of stimulating possibilities that you can bring about yourself. Sign up for a mountainclimbing course. Get your pilot's license. Do that crazy thing you always joke about doing one day. Remember you're alive and you hold the reins.
3) This may not be a popular answer, but I'm not going to lie: to a limited extent, retail therapy is a damn fine band-aid. You have to be careful to keep it in check of course, but my new pretty dresses make me HAPPY, dammit, and nobody can tell me otherwise.
4) Cheesy as it sounds, let yourself feel joy at the minor moments of bliss life gives you. A beautiful crisp morning that makes you feel full of life and energy can remind you that happiness and excitement are things that exist in you and do not depend on another person. You will miss the companionship, the devotion, the whole that you two formed together. But you've now made room in your life for so many more moments of fulfillment in ways you can't even imagine right now because that hurt is still so raw.
Beyond all the pain, it's actually the start of an exciting time for you, and you'll be proud of yourself for having the guts to bring it about. Great and beautiful things await you: trust me, I've been there!
posted by oneaday at 3:43 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
When my engagement ended this year, even though I knew it was for the best, I could barely pick myself up off the ground for sobbing. I live across the ocean from my nearest and dearest, and while I do have friends in this country, the people who will take me out and comfort me and listen to me whine were all across the sea when this hit. Having people tell me that time would help did not help. But they were right.
Some recommendations based on what eased things for me (and easing is the best you can hope for in the very short term):
1) Reach out to the people around you - not as confidantes, but as company. Invite co-workers for a drink, arrange a dinner party, invite somebody to an exhibition. In the six months since I've been single I've had so many co-workers tell me "we never knew you were fun!" because i had completely ignored my social life -- that was much easier to correct than I thought it would be. You just have to start. Some things depend on the size of your city, but a book club, alumni group, community organizations - all can be decent ways to meet people.
2) Do something completely new and exciting. Whether it's a new hobby or a crazy trip or whatever: it reminds you that life has not ended. You can grow and change and that the world is full of stimulating possibilities that you can bring about yourself. Sign up for a mountainclimbing course. Get your pilot's license. Do that crazy thing you always joke about doing one day. Remember you're alive and you hold the reins.
3) This may not be a popular answer, but I'm not going to lie: to a limited extent, retail therapy is a damn fine band-aid. You have to be careful to keep it in check of course, but my new pretty dresses make me HAPPY, dammit, and nobody can tell me otherwise.
4) Cheesy as it sounds, let yourself feel joy at the minor moments of bliss life gives you. A beautiful crisp morning that makes you feel full of life and energy can remind you that happiness and excitement are things that exist in you and do not depend on another person. You will miss the companionship, the devotion, the whole that you two formed together. But you've now made room in your life for so many more moments of fulfillment in ways you can't even imagine right now because that hurt is still so raw.
Beyond all the pain, it's actually the start of an exciting time for you, and you'll be proud of yourself for having the guts to bring it about. Great and beautiful things await you: trust me, I've been there!
posted by oneaday at 3:43 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Volunteering is a good way to occupy your time and take your mind off your own problems.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:41 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 8:41 PM on October 30, 2010
Join a gym that's open late. (People around you whenever.)
Take a dance class. (Shake off the sadness.)
Take an improv class. (Have fun, and maybe some surprisingly intimate moments.)
Volunteer at the local ... library? (Help others. Feel needed.)
Get good books. (Have others tell you their deepest feelings.)
posted by salvia at 10:28 PM on October 30, 2010
Take a dance class. (Shake off the sadness.)
Take an improv class. (Have fun, and maybe some surprisingly intimate moments.)
Volunteer at the local ... library? (Help others. Feel needed.)
Get good books. (Have others tell you their deepest feelings.)
posted by salvia at 10:28 PM on October 30, 2010
Best answer: Every time I feel sad about my very recent split I practice my banjo. I have become a very good banjo player in just the last 3 days.
posted by staggering termagant at 9:28 AM on November 1, 2010
posted by staggering termagant at 9:28 AM on November 1, 2010
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posted by facetious at 12:28 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]