help us get off
October 30, 2010 8:47 AM Subscribe
masturbation for a healthy couple. how to talk about it. [nsfw]
my partner and i have a really healthy relationship with good communication skills. we recently noticed that neither of us really masturbates anymore now that we live together. it's not something we necessarily "miss" but it's something that keeps us both healthy and makes us excited to love on each other more. here comes where i could use some help. i've never been in a healthy relationship before and really talked about/built a healthy sexual relationship with a partner. i have no idea about how to make space or talk about masturbation. how do couples make that happen? beyond knowing i'd end up wanting to jump my partner if they were masturbating next to me (not a bad thing), how can i be supportive of it, actively? thank you!
my partner and i have a really healthy relationship with good communication skills. we recently noticed that neither of us really masturbates anymore now that we live together. it's not something we necessarily "miss" but it's something that keeps us both healthy and makes us excited to love on each other more. here comes where i could use some help. i've never been in a healthy relationship before and really talked about/built a healthy sexual relationship with a partner. i have no idea about how to make space or talk about masturbation. how do couples make that happen? beyond knowing i'd end up wanting to jump my partner if they were masturbating next to me (not a bad thing), how can i be supportive of it, actively? thank you!
Do you guys giggle and laugh and tease and joke or is sex a serious business for you?
posted by The Lady is a designer at 9:10 AM on October 30, 2010
posted by The Lady is a designer at 9:10 AM on October 30, 2010
Sex--and its variations--ebb and flow in relationships. Until there's an actual issue, I don't think you need to communicate much more than what you've said here: "I've noticed we don't masturbate much anymore. I know it's part of being a healthy sexual being. If it becomes an issue or something you miss, I want you to know I'm fine talking about it and entertaining a variety of solutions. I'd hope the same from you, partner. Agreed?"
In the event that your partner wants to masturbate while you're around but doesn't want you involved, that's something you'd ideally come up with game rules about together. Some couples would prefer not to know about it if they're not "invited," others love knowing it's going on somewhere in the house even if they're not invited. I suppose from your phrasing you might need to let your partner know that because you'd want to jump them, you would appreciate X ("a clear heads-up," "not knowing at all," "specific instructions on a case-by-case," etc) in order to give them the space they need or want in the event that you're not invited to watch/touch/redirect.
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 9:13 AM on October 30, 2010
In the event that your partner wants to masturbate while you're around but doesn't want you involved, that's something you'd ideally come up with game rules about together. Some couples would prefer not to know about it if they're not "invited," others love knowing it's going on somewhere in the house even if they're not invited. I suppose from your phrasing you might need to let your partner know that because you'd want to jump them, you would appreciate X ("a clear heads-up," "not knowing at all," "specific instructions on a case-by-case," etc) in order to give them the space they need or want in the event that you're not invited to watch/touch/redirect.
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 9:13 AM on October 30, 2010
If it is not something you really miss, why are you bringing it back? You make claims that it is "healthy" Is it any more healthy than just having more sex with your SO? I seem to be missing something here.
posted by lakerk at 9:16 AM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by lakerk at 9:16 AM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
"we" recently noticed this? It's not something "we" necessarily miss?
I think "we" actually refers to you here. Or at the very least that you don't actually know what your partner is thinking and feeling because you have already filled in the blank for them.
But, this really isn't the issue. There is a piece of your sexuality that you are missing. Were you not missing it you would not have made a post clouded with all these "we"s.
What do you need and want to be sexually fulfilled? What does your partner need? Why not sit down and have this conversation rather than pussyfooting around with your concern over masturbation?
You say that you have never talked about/built a healthy sexual relationship before. Having the "this is what gets me off. What gets you off and how can I help?" conversation is one of the first steps to building a healthy sexual relationship.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:36 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think "we" actually refers to you here. Or at the very least that you don't actually know what your partner is thinking and feeling because you have already filled in the blank for them.
But, this really isn't the issue. There is a piece of your sexuality that you are missing. Were you not missing it you would not have made a post clouded with all these "we"s.
What do you need and want to be sexually fulfilled? What does your partner need? Why not sit down and have this conversation rather than pussyfooting around with your concern over masturbation?
You say that you have never talked about/built a healthy sexual relationship before. Having the "this is what gets me off. What gets you off and how can I help?" conversation is one of the first steps to building a healthy sexual relationship.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:36 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't work for these guys, but maybe the better sex video series. It's a very permissive, couples oriented series that is specific to what you want to do- talk about having better sex- in this case masturbation and mutual masturbation. It's also pretty sexy and informative. This might be a good place to start.
posted by TheBones at 10:55 AM on October 30, 2010
posted by TheBones at 10:55 AM on October 30, 2010
I find it easiest and most natural to talk about sex right after sex, while we're both lying there relaxed and naked and talking about whatever. I'd probably say something like "I'm curious about something... how do you feel about people masturbating when they are in a relationship?" At some point she will probably ask why you are asking (or how you feel about it), and that's when I would say something to the effect of "I still like to do it once in awhile, and I wondered if you're ok with that. And I wondered if you still like to do it sometimes too."
For me it would be easier to talk about it in a "just curious," conversational kind of way rather than making it seem like a big-deal issue we need to sit down and discuss. Big-deal sex conversations only happen when it becomes obvious that the casual conversational style has failed to communicate the importance of a particular issue. "We need to talk" is generally not a prelude to happy fun chit-chat time and we tense up accordingly on the rare occasions that phrase has to be uttered.
If you think there is any chance she might take it personally and get upset, be prepared to explain how much you love and adore having sex with her and that masturbation is just something you like to do occasionally for "something different" or "just to get off". Emphasis on the "love and adore having sex with you" part.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:42 AM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
For me it would be easier to talk about it in a "just curious," conversational kind of way rather than making it seem like a big-deal issue we need to sit down and discuss. Big-deal sex conversations only happen when it becomes obvious that the casual conversational style has failed to communicate the importance of a particular issue. "We need to talk" is generally not a prelude to happy fun chit-chat time and we tense up accordingly on the rare occasions that phrase has to be uttered.
If you think there is any chance she might take it personally and get upset, be prepared to explain how much you love and adore having sex with her and that masturbation is just something you like to do occasionally for "something different" or "just to get off". Emphasis on the "love and adore having sex with you" part.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:42 AM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
"hey, I'm just gonna go masturbate thinking about you in that bra, don't bring the kid in to shower with me okay?"
And that's about it. We've got a kid so things are a bit different but sometimes we announce (in order to get privacy) and sometimes we take advantage of moments of privacy. We don't really see it as something that NEEDS to be discussed beyond those parameters.
posted by geek anachronism at 1:58 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
And that's about it. We've got a kid so things are a bit different but sometimes we announce (in order to get privacy) and sometimes we take advantage of moments of privacy. We don't really see it as something that NEEDS to be discussed beyond those parameters.
posted by geek anachronism at 1:58 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
It doesn't have to be a big Talk(tm); it doesn't have to involve Experts and videos.
Just bring it up. I like the after-sex idea; everything's mellow and sexy and freer then (or should be!). Chat about the idea in a playful, halfway joking manner, so it's no big deal, and you can get a feel on whether or not your partner is tensing up, or cool with it so far...
posted by IAmBroom at 6:01 PM on October 30, 2010
Just bring it up. I like the after-sex idea; everything's mellow and sexy and freer then (or should be!). Chat about the idea in a playful, halfway joking manner, so it's no big deal, and you can get a feel on whether or not your partner is tensing up, or cool with it so far...
posted by IAmBroom at 6:01 PM on October 30, 2010
Handheld shower massager. Or equiv male alone time in shower.
I mean, it's cool that you guys want to talk about this, but personally, masturbation's been something I've been doing alone since I was 11, and it's genuinely not something I always want to share, even if my partner is aware of it and something that I'm not particularly embarrassed about. My husband is more of a jerk-off ninja than I am, but I'm pretty sure he does it when I'm asleep in a different room, and I sometimes do right before bed when he's playing video games, but usually in the shower with my handy teledyne waterpik. And we have plenty of partnersex too, but for me, at least, masturbation is more about being completely focused on getting myself off and has nothing to do with our partnered sex life.
I mean, how did you make time to get off when you were 13? Do that.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:44 PM on October 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
I mean, it's cool that you guys want to talk about this, but personally, masturbation's been something I've been doing alone since I was 11, and it's genuinely not something I always want to share, even if my partner is aware of it and something that I'm not particularly embarrassed about. My husband is more of a jerk-off ninja than I am, but I'm pretty sure he does it when I'm asleep in a different room, and I sometimes do right before bed when he's playing video games, but usually in the shower with my handy teledyne waterpik. And we have plenty of partnersex too, but for me, at least, masturbation is more about being completely focused on getting myself off and has nothing to do with our partnered sex life.
I mean, how did you make time to get off when you were 13? Do that.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:44 PM on October 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Seriously, orgasms work better than Ambien.
So, uh, I generally say "I need to be up at five in the morning, I'm going to get off so I can fall asleep, ok?" and then I just, uh, take care of business. With them right next to me in bed. Did I mention that we have a bunch of rad sex, also? OK.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:58 AM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]