Relationship vs. Career Ambitions?
October 24, 2010 5:52 PM Subscribe
Should I put myself through a year of being long-distance with my boyfriend to get a job in my field?
I'm a Political Science major graduating in May 2011; my boyfriend will graduate one year later. The jobs I am considering are mostly in DC- (government, think tanks, etc) which is about 5 hours from where we live now. We've been together for almost 2 years now and our relationship is great. We're serious about each but haven't made any concrete future plans (we're only 21). We've done long-distance before a couple times due to travel and summers apart, but only for 3 months or so, and it was very hard. We made it, but found it hard to feel close emotionally as neither of us are great at talking on the phone or Skype. I am worried if I move for a year, I'll be putting a huge strain on the relationship and making us both very unhappy, not to mention the risk that we would break up because we couldn't "connect" for long periods of time. However, if I stay, I will probably have to settle for a job in admin or something unrelated to my field; there just aren't many politics/government jobs to be found in my city. I am quite ambitious, so I'm worried if I stay for him, over time I will start to resent that I gave up opportunities for him, since he is much less career-focused than me.
Should I pursue a career in DC? Should I move if I get a job offer? Or is it always a bad idea to put career motivations above happiness in a relationship?
I'm a Political Science major graduating in May 2011; my boyfriend will graduate one year later. The jobs I am considering are mostly in DC- (government, think tanks, etc) which is about 5 hours from where we live now. We've been together for almost 2 years now and our relationship is great. We're serious about each but haven't made any concrete future plans (we're only 21). We've done long-distance before a couple times due to travel and summers apart, but only for 3 months or so, and it was very hard. We made it, but found it hard to feel close emotionally as neither of us are great at talking on the phone or Skype. I am worried if I move for a year, I'll be putting a huge strain on the relationship and making us both very unhappy, not to mention the risk that we would break up because we couldn't "connect" for long periods of time. However, if I stay, I will probably have to settle for a job in admin or something unrelated to my field; there just aren't many politics/government jobs to be found in my city. I am quite ambitious, so I'm worried if I stay for him, over time I will start to resent that I gave up opportunities for him, since he is much less career-focused than me.
Should I pursue a career in DC? Should I move if I get a job offer? Or is it always a bad idea to put career motivations above happiness in a relationship?
If you're not ready to settle down with your boyfriend the long distance thing probably isn't going to work. If your boyfriend is sure to plan to move to DC after he graduates, it might be okay, if his career isn't DC-related, it probably won't work out.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't go to DC. I heartily, enthusiastically tell you to go for it! Try to maintain the relationship if you end up separated, but don't try too hard (i.e. don't feel like you have to talk on the phone/on Skype every night).
Eventually or not you'll be ready to settle down with someone, and that may mean that they come to you, or that you have to go to them, or maybe you'll luck out and both of you will be in the same place. At that point you'll reevaluate your goals regarding your career and your romantic life. But right now you seem more career-focused than relationship-focused, and that means that you should go for that good job even at the risk of your relationship, because it will risk your relationship even if you don't go for it.
posted by that girl at 6:07 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't go to DC. I heartily, enthusiastically tell you to go for it! Try to maintain the relationship if you end up separated, but don't try too hard (i.e. don't feel like you have to talk on the phone/on Skype every night).
Eventually or not you'll be ready to settle down with someone, and that may mean that they come to you, or that you have to go to them, or maybe you'll luck out and both of you will be in the same place. At that point you'll reevaluate your goals regarding your career and your romantic life. But right now you seem more career-focused than relationship-focused, and that means that you should go for that good job even at the risk of your relationship, because it will risk your relationship even if you don't go for it.
posted by that girl at 6:07 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm with darkgroove. I've done year-long distance with my SO before and I just started a new long-distance period (both times we were 16 hour drives from each other, 5 sounds great). I would never settle for marking time waiting for him (he finished college a year behind me and is still wrapping up grad school). It's just too important to me and my chosen profession that I keep moving. Those are definitely my priorities and my choice, but it sounds like you feel the same way.
Or is it always a bad idea to put career motivations above happiness in a relationship?
Pfft.... or maybe we don't feel the same way at all!!! That's a judgment call for you to make. My career is absolutely crucial to my happiness, so it's not even a question to me. If my SO weren't cool with me moving for my job, he wouldn't be my SO.
You're moving to a great place for almost any kind of job he might want when he's done. Personally, I think that's as considerate as I think you need to be. I also think you're too young to make compromises even for a great guy if you're ambitious.
Cue horror stories of women who compromised only to be left in a lurch in 3...2...1...
posted by parkerjackson at 6:07 PM on October 24, 2010
Or is it always a bad idea to put career motivations above happiness in a relationship?
Pfft.... or maybe we don't feel the same way at all!!! That's a judgment call for you to make. My career is absolutely crucial to my happiness, so it's not even a question to me. If my SO weren't cool with me moving for my job, he wouldn't be my SO.
You're moving to a great place for almost any kind of job he might want when he's done. Personally, I think that's as considerate as I think you need to be. I also think you're too young to make compromises even for a great guy if you're ambitious.
Cue horror stories of women who compromised only to be left in a lurch in 3...2...1...
posted by parkerjackson at 6:07 PM on October 24, 2010
You should pursue a career in DC. Long distance is always hard, but if you have an ability to visit (5 hours is doable once a month or so, right?) and a deadline (only one year), it's doable. And yes, you would come to resent him as you slogged through whatever cruddy job you found near campus during that year.
There's a lot of good advice on the green about things to talk about on the phone and ways to make long distance relationships work. Don't put off investing in yourself and your career - you'll probably Both be happier!
posted by ldthomps at 6:08 PM on October 24, 2010
There's a lot of good advice on the green about things to talk about on the phone and ways to make long distance relationships work. Don't put off investing in yourself and your career - you'll probably Both be happier!
posted by ldthomps at 6:08 PM on October 24, 2010
With brutal honesty, ask yourself which you would rather have if you could only choose one: your current boyfriend, or a job that's the first step toward a career in your field. If you feel yourself leaning toward the career, you should go. If you don't, you'll be sacrificing your long-term well being, and may very well end up losing your boyfriend as well anyway -- the longer you work the job you "settled" for, the more you'll resent him for having tied you down to your current city.
If you're really serious about this guy and genuinely feel like you want to make the best of things where you are, go for it. But the wording of your question makes me think you're leaning in the other direction.
As for the feasibility of long distance relationships: I dated my husband for 1 1/2 years when he was living in Boston and I was living in Brooklyn, which is about the same commute as you're talking about. We committed to spending every weekend with each other, barring special circumstances, and so each of us traveled to the other's city every other week. It was a big sacrifice of time and money, but I don't think our relationship would have lasted any other way.
If you can see yourself making a similar commitment to your boyfriend, again, you should go for it. But I'm not going to pretend like it isn't an awful lot to ask of yourself, particularly when you're just out of college and would trying to get your career off the ground AND establish yourself in a brand new city.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:08 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're really serious about this guy and genuinely feel like you want to make the best of things where you are, go for it. But the wording of your question makes me think you're leaning in the other direction.
As for the feasibility of long distance relationships: I dated my husband for 1 1/2 years when he was living in Boston and I was living in Brooklyn, which is about the same commute as you're talking about. We committed to spending every weekend with each other, barring special circumstances, and so each of us traveled to the other's city every other week. It was a big sacrifice of time and money, but I don't think our relationship would have lasted any other way.
If you can see yourself making a similar commitment to your boyfriend, again, you should go for it. But I'm not going to pretend like it isn't an awful lot to ask of yourself, particularly when you're just out of college and would trying to get your career off the ground AND establish yourself in a brand new city.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:08 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Something to add to your pro/con list [I don't know which side] is that you will be coming to DC to also be an Admin, in all likelihood. I think that's great-and not a reason this plan isn't right [I came here just out of undergrad w/a BA in political science LIKE EVERYONE ELSE and started as an admin. And moved up. Quite up]. It would just be so hard, I think, to have made that decision, thinking I was giving up AWESOME NON LD RELATIONSHIP, but gaining AWESOME NON-ADMIN job. And, in your shoes, that's rarely the case, yet.
[Still, I totally think you should come, do your crappy starting job, work hard, attend lots of events with free food they totally still exist-and move up! Or go back to school. Or whatever]
posted by atomicstone at 7:00 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
[Still, I totally think you should come, do your crappy starting job, work hard, attend lots of events with free food they totally still exist-and move up! Or go back to school. Or whatever]
posted by atomicstone at 7:00 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I guess long distance can ruin your relationship, or it can prove that it is perfect and solid. Wife and I did a year apart (me London, and she Japan), visited 3 times that year, celebrated our 10th anniversary this year. Sure it was hard, using mostly email back then, there was no Skype. (and now Skype has video, sheesh).
posted by lundman at 7:23 PM on October 24, 2010
posted by lundman at 7:23 PM on October 24, 2010
Another "go for it" vote here. A five hour distance is doable for all/most weekends together, if you both really want them. The silver lining is that being that far apart gives you both space to find out how important you are to each other, especially knowing that it's only for a year.
posted by anadem at 7:41 PM on October 24, 2010
posted by anadem at 7:41 PM on October 24, 2010
You should focus on your career. Men will come and go, even great men will come and go. But investing in yourself is always a wise choice.
You should focus on your relationship. Jobs will come and go, even great jobs will come and go. But investing in your happiness is always a wise choice.
Just a comparison, there. FWIW, I stuck with my relationship, we married young and lived like happy bohemians for a few years, and now I'm sporting a great career and an awesome marriage. I love my work, but I also love coming home to someone with whom I've built a fabulous home life.
posted by theraflu at 7:58 PM on October 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
You should focus on your relationship. Jobs will come and go, even great jobs will come and go. But investing in your happiness is always a wise choice.
Just a comparison, there. FWIW, I stuck with my relationship, we married young and lived like happy bohemians for a few years, and now I'm sporting a great career and an awesome marriage. I love my work, but I also love coming home to someone with whom I've built a fabulous home life.
posted by theraflu at 7:58 PM on October 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Also, I hate to rain on your parade, but you're speaking about a problem you don't even have yet. It may take you a long time - months - to get even an admin job in DC. I'm not sure if you're planning on staying put until you get a job or move right away. Even if it's the latter, with no job you should have a schedule flexible enough for long weekends and visits.
posted by unannihilated at 8:06 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by unannihilated at 8:06 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't wait for or follow boys. If it's meant to work out, it will. I'm saying this from experience. I had been with one guy for a year in college and he was planning to spend the summer in Boston so I started looking for internships there. When it became clear that he didn't want me to be there with him, I was devastated. Yeah, I shouldn't have assumed that but he never told me he didn't want that so I felt like he led me on and our relationship ended soon after.
I knew I wanted to come to DC after college so I finished a semester early and came here for an internship, even though I had just started seeing someone who I had been friends with for a few years. We started seeing each other that November, he helped me move to DC at the beginning of February, and he came here when he graduated in May. We got married last September.
posted by kat518 at 8:43 PM on October 24, 2010
I knew I wanted to come to DC after college so I finished a semester early and came here for an internship, even though I had just started seeing someone who I had been friends with for a few years. We started seeing each other that November, he helped me move to DC at the beginning of February, and he came here when he graduated in May. We got married last September.
posted by kat518 at 8:43 PM on October 24, 2010
Also, if you can come to DC with any kind of experience, admin or otherwise, you'll be in a better position to get a job than a lot of people. Don't discount the value of job experience - any job experience. Unpaid internship, paid internship, work with the local political party, city government, county government, intern with the local state representative, state senator, U.S. Representative or Senator, mayor, council member, county executive, neighborhood association, etc.
posted by kat518 at 8:47 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by kat518 at 8:47 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just echoing what the others say: Which is the best investment in your long-term happiness.
From the sound of it you think there is no way you can be happy with the jobs where you are.
So, there you go.
(Turns out there are lots of nice guys in DC.)
posted by Ookseer at 9:15 PM on October 24, 2010
From the sound of it you think there is no way you can be happy with the jobs where you are.
So, there you go.
(Turns out there are lots of nice guys in DC.)
posted by Ookseer at 9:15 PM on October 24, 2010
Far be it for me to tell any woman to put her plans on hold for a man, as I am just about the staunchest supporter of independence in women possible. However, let me just tell you how this scenario played out for me personally. I was a year younger than my BF at the time, so the roles were reversed, but the issues were the same. Even though we both had big plans that involved moving away from where we were at the time, he ended up sticking around and taking a basic entry level job near the college while I finished school. When I graduated a year later, we both packed our bags and headed out into the world. That was over 4 years ago, and we're both still together and still very happy.
I agree with unannihilated, from what you've said, it doesn't even sound like you've got a job or internship lined up just yet. I don't really see waiting around 1 year for him to graduate as giving up on your career plans, just perhaps putting them on hold. One year out of college is still pretty fresh out of college, and it seems to me like you should still be able to find the same quality of internships and job offers one year later. In fact, getting a year of real-world working experience might even play in your favor.
Anyway, all of this depends on your relationship and whether or not you see yourself with this guy long-term. Talk to him, let him know how you feel, find out how he feels. If you both want to stay together, and you don't think you can handle the long distance thing, just hang in there for a year and dive into the career next year. You'll only be 22, it's not like you'll never have another shot at an entry level job or internship again. Trust me.
All that said, PLEASE DO NOT get stuck. I know a couple who tried to do the same thing when I graduated, and they've been stuck in the same town in jobs they both hate for the past 3 years. If you do make plans to stick around, be sure that you have solid plans for what is going to happen after he graduates, and take action to really prepare yourself to make those plans happen. Discuss your plans together, make sure that you both have a similar idea of how you want your post-college life to go. If you're set on DC, and he's dead set on something else, then maybe you should evaluate those things before you make the commitment to stick around an extra year.
Ugh, sorry to make this too long, but I know exactly how scary and frustrating this situation can be. Believe me, it's not necessarily as big of a deal as it may seem. If you have a strong relationship, you'll find a way to make it work.
posted by bloody_bonnie at 9:28 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with unannihilated, from what you've said, it doesn't even sound like you've got a job or internship lined up just yet. I don't really see waiting around 1 year for him to graduate as giving up on your career plans, just perhaps putting them on hold. One year out of college is still pretty fresh out of college, and it seems to me like you should still be able to find the same quality of internships and job offers one year later. In fact, getting a year of real-world working experience might even play in your favor.
Anyway, all of this depends on your relationship and whether or not you see yourself with this guy long-term. Talk to him, let him know how you feel, find out how he feels. If you both want to stay together, and you don't think you can handle the long distance thing, just hang in there for a year and dive into the career next year. You'll only be 22, it's not like you'll never have another shot at an entry level job or internship again. Trust me.
All that said, PLEASE DO NOT get stuck. I know a couple who tried to do the same thing when I graduated, and they've been stuck in the same town in jobs they both hate for the past 3 years. If you do make plans to stick around, be sure that you have solid plans for what is going to happen after he graduates, and take action to really prepare yourself to make those plans happen. Discuss your plans together, make sure that you both have a similar idea of how you want your post-college life to go. If you're set on DC, and he's dead set on something else, then maybe you should evaluate those things before you make the commitment to stick around an extra year.
Ugh, sorry to make this too long, but I know exactly how scary and frustrating this situation can be. Believe me, it's not necessarily as big of a deal as it may seem. If you have a strong relationship, you'll find a way to make it work.
posted by bloody_bonnie at 9:28 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's only a year. I'm not saying that in regards to the long-distance relationship; I'm saying that in regards to you staying put.
So let's say you decide to "waste" a year staying near your boyfriend (not that it necessarily would be a waste, because, as kat518 said, job experience helps). What do you lose? Is it anything more than not being able to say you got your first political job at 21, as opposed to 22? Are there no longer going to be opportunities for you in a year? Will your career be crippled if you don't start it right now, right this instant? If the answer to those questions are "no," then I'd suggest you stay.
posted by XerxesQados at 9:48 PM on October 24, 2010
So let's say you decide to "waste" a year staying near your boyfriend (not that it necessarily would be a waste, because, as kat518 said, job experience helps). What do you lose? Is it anything more than not being able to say you got your first political job at 21, as opposed to 22? Are there no longer going to be opportunities for you in a year? Will your career be crippled if you don't start it right now, right this instant? If the answer to those questions are "no," then I'd suggest you stay.
posted by XerxesQados at 9:48 PM on October 24, 2010
I'd go for it. You can still make it work if you move. Is this the kind of relationship where you support one another in going for your dreams, or is it the kind of relationship where you ask one another to wait, slow down, and stay behind?
posted by salvia at 10:38 PM on October 24, 2010
posted by salvia at 10:38 PM on October 24, 2010
Every single time I've stayed/moved for a guy, it turned out to a bad decision. In one case, a BIG bad decision. Just based on this, I'm inclined to say, "Do you what you need to do for your own career."
But I know I have a knee-jerk reaction in that direction, *because* of my bad experience. So I would say look at:
1) Is it even feasible to get a job in your city right now? Have you looked? Depending upon what area of the country you're in, there may be no jobs at all (other than gas stations and Walmart). So the answer there is obvious - move to DC when you get a job.
2) What does your boyfriend think about the situation? Have you said anything at all? If he would be uncomfortable if you stayed for him, move.
3) Would it be at all feasible for you to each visit each other one weekend of a month? That is still long distance, but not as bad as being cut off except for emails and texts for a year.
4) Is he willing to move to DC when he graduates? Is there any way he could double up on something or take winter classes and graduate a semester early?
I've seen way, way too many cases of women putting their lives on hold for men's careers/preferences to view the situation without a bias. Also, while prior work experience in DC is a plus, I'm fairly sure working at Kinko's or Subway doesn't count. If that's all that's going to be available in your area, it really isn't a point in the plus column for staying, and, will, in fact, be a mark against you in some jobs.
However, if you really, honestly think that you will break up if you move, and you really think that you might want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, then holding off a year or maybe just exploring 3 month internship options or local political volunteer work would be the way to go. (If you think your break-up will be because *he* isn't willing to make the effort, that's another reason to be cautious right there. I was talking about the situation where the drifting apart is mutual.) You're weighing a year's experience and connections in your field (plus possible extra money) against what you hope to be a higher probability of not breaking up. I would be very, very sure that he's going to move to DC (or comparable area) with you after graduation before deciding to stay. If you're already worried about possible resentment issues now, you will almost certainly break up if a year of temp work later he decides he's not down with moving, or he will only move somewhere for his career.
(On preview: Tl;dr - why, yes, I am still bitter at young me's stupidity in making a monumentally stupid career decision for a guy.)
posted by wending my way at 11:01 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
But I know I have a knee-jerk reaction in that direction, *because* of my bad experience. So I would say look at:
1) Is it even feasible to get a job in your city right now? Have you looked? Depending upon what area of the country you're in, there may be no jobs at all (other than gas stations and Walmart). So the answer there is obvious - move to DC when you get a job.
2) What does your boyfriend think about the situation? Have you said anything at all? If he would be uncomfortable if you stayed for him, move.
3) Would it be at all feasible for you to each visit each other one weekend of a month? That is still long distance, but not as bad as being cut off except for emails and texts for a year.
4) Is he willing to move to DC when he graduates? Is there any way he could double up on something or take winter classes and graduate a semester early?
I've seen way, way too many cases of women putting their lives on hold for men's careers/preferences to view the situation without a bias. Also, while prior work experience in DC is a plus, I'm fairly sure working at Kinko's or Subway doesn't count. If that's all that's going to be available in your area, it really isn't a point in the plus column for staying, and, will, in fact, be a mark against you in some jobs.
However, if you really, honestly think that you will break up if you move, and you really think that you might want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, then holding off a year or maybe just exploring 3 month internship options or local political volunteer work would be the way to go. (If you think your break-up will be because *he* isn't willing to make the effort, that's another reason to be cautious right there. I was talking about the situation where the drifting apart is mutual.) You're weighing a year's experience and connections in your field (plus possible extra money) against what you hope to be a higher probability of not breaking up. I would be very, very sure that he's going to move to DC (or comparable area) with you after graduation before deciding to stay. If you're already worried about possible resentment issues now, you will almost certainly break up if a year of temp work later he decides he's not down with moving, or he will only move somewhere for his career.
(On preview: Tl;dr - why, yes, I am still bitter at young me's stupidity in making a monumentally stupid career decision for a guy.)
posted by wending my way at 11:01 PM on October 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
It seems to me that this isn't really something other people can help you decide. In general, I would tend to think that putting a relationship before your career right after graduating is probably not a great gamble. On the other hand, I don't think that "in general" is a good way to decide stuff in relationships.
My college roommate was in the reverse situation. Her boyfriend was the one who graduated earlier and went far away for the next year (more like 10-12 hours than 5). It was really hard on them, given that she is not so great at phone conversations. But at this point, they've been married ten years and are still one of the happiest couples I know.
I guess what you need to decide is
a) whether "settling for a job in admin or other job unrelated to my field" might be a sufficiently big disappointment that it would cloud your relationship;
b) whether your boyfriend would be similarly committed to looking for work in locations which suited you;
posted by bardophile at 12:05 AM on October 25, 2010
My college roommate was in the reverse situation. Her boyfriend was the one who graduated earlier and went far away for the next year (more like 10-12 hours than 5). It was really hard on them, given that she is not so great at phone conversations. But at this point, they've been married ten years and are still one of the happiest couples I know.
I guess what you need to decide is
a) whether "settling for a job in admin or other job unrelated to my field" might be a sufficiently big disappointment that it would cloud your relationship;
b) whether your boyfriend would be similarly committed to looking for work in locations which suited you;
posted by bardophile at 12:05 AM on October 25, 2010
I was in a similar situation when I was 21. I chose to stay with my boyfriend rather than move to do a PhD. I wish I had chosen the PhD. While I've done things in my life that I regretted, that is the single decision that I would probably go back and reverse. The idea was that I would wait from him to finish his degree, then we could move and I would finish my PhD. It never happened; after his degree we moved for his career, and then I couldn't get in-state tuition so I had to put off grad school for another year, and by that point I had settled into a career and then there was more moving and it was much, much more difficult to go back. And now we're not together. My life has been good, but at such a young age and given our relationship, I should have been putting myself before him.
Moving will put a strain on the relationship, but staying will strain your career. It really comes down to whether maintaining the relationship with your boyfriend at its current level is more important to you than advancing your career. If you settle now it will become more and more difficult for you to advance later. You're 21. If you were 45 and had been married for 15 years I would be giving you different advice. But you're 21 and you have a boyfriend who is still doing his undergrad and you've only been together 2 years, from when you were 19 (19!); it's okay to choose your career.
posted by Polychrome at 2:05 AM on October 25, 2010
Moving will put a strain on the relationship, but staying will strain your career. It really comes down to whether maintaining the relationship with your boyfriend at its current level is more important to you than advancing your career. If you settle now it will become more and more difficult for you to advance later. You're 21. If you were 45 and had been married for 15 years I would be giving you different advice. But you're 21 and you have a boyfriend who is still doing his undergrad and you've only been together 2 years, from when you were 19 (19!); it's okay to choose your career.
posted by Polychrome at 2:05 AM on October 25, 2010
I did both, with the same guy. My last year in college he had to move to a different city. I stayed to finish my degree. He was very supportive of that - insistent, really. We worked out the long distance thing fine for a year - saw each other a couple of times, talked on the phone, wrote letters. (If you're not good on the phone, you might try writing old-fashioned letters... interesting how this slower style of communication lets you explore and share some of your deeper feelings that may not come up in conversation. YMMV.)
After I graduated he was transferred to a city where it would be impossible (not just hard) for me to get a job in my field. Arrrrrgh. So do I go start my career alone, or follow this guy? Finally concluded that he was too good to let go - so despite my embarrassment at Letting Down the Sisterhood to Follow My Man, and extreme annoyance at proving right that one obnoxious professor who claimed that women only go to college to get their Mrs. degree... I went for the relationship. Worked in a unrelated field for three years and had a great time. Then we moved to a different city of my choosing, where I got a job in my degree field. My career recovered nicely, thank you very much. 20+ years later I don't see those three years as "lost" at all, career-wise. I've had lots of different jobs and taken a number of different forks in my career path, and am still married to my best bud.
Jobs come and go. Companies lay you off in a heartbeat. You can get another job. You can have any number of careers in your life. Of course relationships come and go too, I know, but somehow changing mates looks to be a lot more wrenching than changing careers.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go. I'm just saying you can make it work, either way. And I've never regretted putting my career on hold for my relationship. (However, I'm pretty sure I would have regretted not finishing my degree - as Polychrome indicated, resuming school seems a lot harder than resuming a career. But you and your boyfriend are both finishing your degrees, which is good.)
posted by evilmomlady at 6:04 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
After I graduated he was transferred to a city where it would be impossible (not just hard) for me to get a job in my field. Arrrrrgh. So do I go start my career alone, or follow this guy? Finally concluded that he was too good to let go - so despite my embarrassment at Letting Down the Sisterhood to Follow My Man, and extreme annoyance at proving right that one obnoxious professor who claimed that women only go to college to get their Mrs. degree... I went for the relationship. Worked in a unrelated field for three years and had a great time. Then we moved to a different city of my choosing, where I got a job in my degree field. My career recovered nicely, thank you very much. 20+ years later I don't see those three years as "lost" at all, career-wise. I've had lots of different jobs and taken a number of different forks in my career path, and am still married to my best bud.
Jobs come and go. Companies lay you off in a heartbeat. You can get another job. You can have any number of careers in your life. Of course relationships come and go too, I know, but somehow changing mates looks to be a lot more wrenching than changing careers.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go. I'm just saying you can make it work, either way. And I've never regretted putting my career on hold for my relationship. (However, I'm pretty sure I would have regretted not finishing my degree - as Polychrome indicated, resuming school seems a lot harder than resuming a career. But you and your boyfriend are both finishing your degrees, which is good.)
posted by evilmomlady at 6:04 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
We're serious about each but haven't made any concrete future plans (we're only 21).
This really jumped out at me. Y'all need to have the conversation about what "serious" means, because it's a loaded word that means different things to different people. You don't necessarily have to make concrete plans now, but it might help you to know that you both think the potential is there.
I'm going to try hard not to let my own experiences color my answer, but here's my (very recent) experience: I was recently dating someone I was super into and was beginning to see a real future with. We had said we were in a "serious, committed" relationship for the last several months, but neither of us really sat down and talked about what "serious" meant. I brought it up recently and laid my cards on the table: "I'm really interested in pursuing a future with you, I don't know the details or timeline, but I know I want this relationship to keep moving forward despite what may come. Do you feel the same way?" The worst case scenario if you have a similar conversation is that y'all are not on the same page (it turned out the guy I was seeing didn't see a future together, so we broke it off). To me it sounds like you might need to frame the conversation around what you feel like you need for your career, too.
And if y'all aren't on the same page about the relationship moving forward? You might find it makes your decision much easier. Even though I was gutted that we broke up, it's been sort of a relief. I'm currently working on my masters in a field that you HAVE to be able to move anywhere in the country for a decent job. My relationship's future (or rather my questions about it) was really beginning to cloud my ability to see all the potential before me, career wise.
posted by mostly vowels at 6:08 AM on October 25, 2010
This really jumped out at me. Y'all need to have the conversation about what "serious" means, because it's a loaded word that means different things to different people. You don't necessarily have to make concrete plans now, but it might help you to know that you both think the potential is there.
I'm going to try hard not to let my own experiences color my answer, but here's my (very recent) experience: I was recently dating someone I was super into and was beginning to see a real future with. We had said we were in a "serious, committed" relationship for the last several months, but neither of us really sat down and talked about what "serious" meant. I brought it up recently and laid my cards on the table: "I'm really interested in pursuing a future with you, I don't know the details or timeline, but I know I want this relationship to keep moving forward despite what may come. Do you feel the same way?" The worst case scenario if you have a similar conversation is that y'all are not on the same page (it turned out the guy I was seeing didn't see a future together, so we broke it off). To me it sounds like you might need to frame the conversation around what you feel like you need for your career, too.
And if y'all aren't on the same page about the relationship moving forward? You might find it makes your decision much easier. Even though I was gutted that we broke up, it's been sort of a relief. I'm currently working on my masters in a field that you HAVE to be able to move anywhere in the country for a decent job. My relationship's future (or rather my questions about it) was really beginning to cloud my ability to see all the potential before me, career wise.
posted by mostly vowels at 6:08 AM on October 25, 2010
FWIW, I was in this situation when I moved five hours away to go to grad school. It was the most difficult year I've ever had - distancing yourself from your support system, moving to an unfamiliar city, feeling a disconnect between the lives that you and he are individually leading. It's tough.
BUT (and it's a big 'but'), I learned so much about myself in that period of time. I became much more independent. We both learned to appreciate each other and really value our time together. We were able to see each other at least once a month, and those were some of the best weekends I've ever had! He moved to my current city after a year of distance, and we're engaged now.
If you do decide to go, don't worry about the phone conversations. They'll get better with time and practice.
tl;dr - long distance is difficult, but doable. Just be sure you are both open, honest, and communicative during your time apart so that the stress that is put on your relationship strengthens rather than weakens it.
posted by genekelly'srollerskates at 7:15 AM on October 25, 2010
BUT (and it's a big 'but'), I learned so much about myself in that period of time. I became much more independent. We both learned to appreciate each other and really value our time together. We were able to see each other at least once a month, and those were some of the best weekends I've ever had! He moved to my current city after a year of distance, and we're engaged now.
If you do decide to go, don't worry about the phone conversations. They'll get better with time and practice.
tl;dr - long distance is difficult, but doable. Just be sure you are both open, honest, and communicative during your time apart so that the stress that is put on your relationship strengthens rather than weakens it.
posted by genekelly'srollerskates at 7:15 AM on October 25, 2010
I've seen a few people saying "well, you don't even have a job there yet!" Speaking as someone who worked in politics in DC, you might have to move there to get that first job, especially if you don't already have experience/contacts in the field.
From the relationship point of view, I'll just offer this: I can think of about a dozen friends who graduated with relationships that they would have called serious at the time and, 10 years later, only one of those friends is with her boyfriend (and they weathered several breakups during those ten years); they got married this year. Everyone else broke up within a couple of years of graduating. Those post-college years are intense and disorienting - unless you're the rare exceptions, you and your boyfriend will both change a lot in the next 4 or 5 years. You might grow and change together, but if that's the case, then a year of slightly-long-distance probably wouldn't be a relationship-breaker anyway.
posted by lunasol at 7:26 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
From the relationship point of view, I'll just offer this: I can think of about a dozen friends who graduated with relationships that they would have called serious at the time and, 10 years later, only one of those friends is with her boyfriend (and they weathered several breakups during those ten years); they got married this year. Everyone else broke up within a couple of years of graduating. Those post-college years are intense and disorienting - unless you're the rare exceptions, you and your boyfriend will both change a lot in the next 4 or 5 years. You might grow and change together, but if that's the case, then a year of slightly-long-distance probably wouldn't be a relationship-breaker anyway.
posted by lunasol at 7:26 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and I do want to back up what some other folks said about how you will start with an admin job in DC. If you're lucky! You'll work long hours and make just enough to share a group house with 4 people. That's totally ok - if you love politics and policy, it'll be a grind but it'll also be exciting to be around people doing such interesting things. And if you're willing to work hard, you will move up pretty quickly.
One other thing I forgot to add: you don't have to stay in DC forever. Lots of people go to DC for a few years, get the experience they need, and then move to other places to work in politics/policy. That's what I did! I actually did not like living in DC (aside from the excitement that comes from being a politics geek surrounded by smart people doing amazing things) and left after about 2 years. I actually wound up, a few years later, getting pretty much my dream job 3,000 miles away, but I'm sure I would not have gotten that job without my DC experience. So don't feel like, by moving to DC, you're making a permanent decision.
posted by lunasol at 7:39 AM on October 25, 2010
One other thing I forgot to add: you don't have to stay in DC forever. Lots of people go to DC for a few years, get the experience they need, and then move to other places to work in politics/policy. That's what I did! I actually did not like living in DC (aside from the excitement that comes from being a politics geek surrounded by smart people doing amazing things) and left after about 2 years. I actually wound up, a few years later, getting pretty much my dream job 3,000 miles away, but I'm sure I would not have gotten that job without my DC experience. So don't feel like, by moving to DC, you're making a permanent decision.
posted by lunasol at 7:39 AM on October 25, 2010
You're putting the cart before the horse. This is something you don't even need to worry about until May 2011 at the earliest. The way the job market is going, it's very likely that you may not get a job in your field before your boyfriend graduates. Or were you planning on moving to DC anyways, getting any job there, and serching for a job in your field simultaneously? If that's the case, I'd recommend getting any job in your home area (assuming it's cheaper to live there than in DC) and searching for a job in your field (wither in you local political field or in DC). Your problem really doesn't have much to do with your boyfriend at the moment and might not ever have to do with him.
For what it's worth, I graduated in 2007 and decided to focus on my "career", got nowhere important due to the economy crumpling before our eyes, then moved in with my boyfriend and got another admin job, albeit one that actually paid higher than the previous one where I was trying to make a career. It's really, really rough out there, especially for new graduates.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:07 AM on October 25, 2010
For what it's worth, I graduated in 2007 and decided to focus on my "career", got nowhere important due to the economy crumpling before our eyes, then moved in with my boyfriend and got another admin job, albeit one that actually paid higher than the previous one where I was trying to make a career. It's really, really rough out there, especially for new graduates.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:07 AM on October 25, 2010
I vote for career. If he's the right guy, he'll make it work somehow in order to be properly supportive of you. If not, your life will be in a much better place with your career started, with or without him.
Good luck!
posted by Citrus at 8:21 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Good luck!
posted by Citrus at 8:21 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Allow me to be your fast-forward. I am a male in his 40s in a rather rocky marriage. The greatest regret my wife has (remember we're going back nearly 30 years) is that she punted on a similar type of opportunity you have because she didn't want to leave her boyfriend at the time. Why is my marriage rocky? Well, getting married and having kids were just other roadblocks in the way of what she could have been. But at its core was the college boyfriend issue. Go to DC. If your relationships survives, you'll be better off.
posted by teg4rvn at 8:35 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by teg4rvn at 8:35 AM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
What would you like to do, assuming that whatever you decide, your relationship will survive? That isn't to say that it won't be hard, but that with effort you two will make it through. You have to assume that it will work out and that your relationship will be strong enough, because if you're going to be serious with this person and integrate him fully into your life, you can't be shielding your relationship from every little hurt and hardship. Things will happen. Life will happen, as much of a cliché that saying is.
My relationship with my boyfriend is going strong, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I do what I want to do and he does what he wants to do because despite being an "us," we're also "I"s. I don't want to hold him back. We have spent over a year two thousand miles apart and we still are that far from each other, but I still wouldn't replace our time together with anything else. It's been very hard, but what does that matter if it's worth it to us? We can make it through. We have made it through. So don't worry about whether it will damage your relationship because a worthwhile relationship will be able to stand the partners being separated by five hours and an important career. Decide if he's worth it. Then decide what you want to do.
posted by hotchocolate at 6:50 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
My relationship with my boyfriend is going strong, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I do what I want to do and he does what he wants to do because despite being an "us," we're also "I"s. I don't want to hold him back. We have spent over a year two thousand miles apart and we still are that far from each other, but I still wouldn't replace our time together with anything else. It's been very hard, but what does that matter if it's worth it to us? We can make it through. We have made it through. So don't worry about whether it will damage your relationship because a worthwhile relationship will be able to stand the partners being separated by five hours and an important career. Decide if he's worth it. Then decide what you want to do.
posted by hotchocolate at 6:50 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Addendum:
Ask yourself this: all other things equal, would you rather have the company of your boyfriend and a job unrelated to political science, or be five hours away from him and have that political science job? In other words, is the job worth being farther away from him? You should make your decision based on this, rather than any conjectures you may have regarding how your relationship will be able to take the long-distance.
posted by hotchocolate at 6:54 PM on October 25, 2010
Ask yourself this: all other things equal, would you rather have the company of your boyfriend and a job unrelated to political science, or be five hours away from him and have that political science job? In other words, is the job worth being farther away from him? You should make your decision based on this, rather than any conjectures you may have regarding how your relationship will be able to take the long-distance.
posted by hotchocolate at 6:54 PM on October 25, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you can handle the long distance thing, give it a go. But my opinion has always been that 'long distance is the wrong distance.'
I did it for 6 months and while talking on the phone is nice, you need to feel and touch your significant other. We all chat with friends, and having a glorified friend for a year wouldn't work for me.
posted by darkgroove at 5:57 PM on October 24, 2010 [6 favorites]