My head feels like a ticking time bomb
October 18, 2010 6:27 AM Subscribe
My brain goes haywire when I try to do certain tasks. I feel either like screaming or having a lobotomy. Psychiatrists shrug their shoulders at me. What's going on?
I am currently suffering from a trifecta of OCD, anxiety, and mild depression. Thankfully, all three conditions have improved quite a bit over the past year. But there is something else that's going on with me - symptoms that I've had before - that I've tried to explain to psychs many a time with little success. I'll just right get into it.
About six years ago I started at my first office job. The work was easy but tedious, and the environment a bit uncomfortable - I'm not a big fan of cubicle chatter. But my reaction to this so-so situation was extreme. I would sit at my desk and feel like my brain was going to atrophy. I had racing thoughts but felt paralyzed at the same time.
It's hard to describe this agitation, but it sort of felt like my brain was being eaten away at from the inside by parasites. I would feel like getting up and screaming and throwing things around (which thankfully I never did). I would go home and feel kind of like I was hung over, but without the nausea.
A couple of years into that job I quit to pursue an undergraduate degree in the humanities. This led to an MA, and then to a bad experience which made me quit after my first year as a PhD (which is where the depression kicked in). While things were good, however, the symptoms I described above largely went away. Instead, I could hyper-focus in on material that engaged me, do an intense amount of reading, research, and writing, and was extremely successful. The only times I felt these same symptoms were when I was doing tedious work, like learning languages.
Fast forward to today, where I've just started a new MA in a professional field (library studies). Overall, I'm quite happy with my situation - I like both my professors and my fellow students for the most part. Yet the work involved, particularly the readings, doesn't engage me like my old humanities work. This wouldn't be a huge problem - I'm in this to find a job afterwards, not to have my life fulfilled - except for the fact that the horrible symptoms I had when I was working are coming back.
When I try to do readings, my brain gets that eaten away/frozen up feeling again. I feel extremely agitated, and have that old wanting to scream feeling again. I get racing thoughts and I get restless, but I also feel frozen in place. I also can't concentrate on working like I could during my time in humanities. In fact, I feel tired most of the day, even when I do get a good amount of sleep.
Right now I'm on 20mg of Cirpalex (Lexapro)/day, as well as a low dose of clonazepam. When I had these symptoms during my time in my office job, however, I was on no medication.
Can anyone relate to any of this? I know this is your typical "talk to your doctor"-type question, but believe me, I've tried. I'll try again, but it would be extremely useful if anyone is familiar with these symptoms and could offer a suggestion as to what on Earth is wrong with me.
Throwaway email address: mybrainhurts_meta@yahoo.com
I am currently suffering from a trifecta of OCD, anxiety, and mild depression. Thankfully, all three conditions have improved quite a bit over the past year. But there is something else that's going on with me - symptoms that I've had before - that I've tried to explain to psychs many a time with little success. I'll just right get into it.
About six years ago I started at my first office job. The work was easy but tedious, and the environment a bit uncomfortable - I'm not a big fan of cubicle chatter. But my reaction to this so-so situation was extreme. I would sit at my desk and feel like my brain was going to atrophy. I had racing thoughts but felt paralyzed at the same time.
It's hard to describe this agitation, but it sort of felt like my brain was being eaten away at from the inside by parasites. I would feel like getting up and screaming and throwing things around (which thankfully I never did). I would go home and feel kind of like I was hung over, but without the nausea.
A couple of years into that job I quit to pursue an undergraduate degree in the humanities. This led to an MA, and then to a bad experience which made me quit after my first year as a PhD (which is where the depression kicked in). While things were good, however, the symptoms I described above largely went away. Instead, I could hyper-focus in on material that engaged me, do an intense amount of reading, research, and writing, and was extremely successful. The only times I felt these same symptoms were when I was doing tedious work, like learning languages.
Fast forward to today, where I've just started a new MA in a professional field (library studies). Overall, I'm quite happy with my situation - I like both my professors and my fellow students for the most part. Yet the work involved, particularly the readings, doesn't engage me like my old humanities work. This wouldn't be a huge problem - I'm in this to find a job afterwards, not to have my life fulfilled - except for the fact that the horrible symptoms I had when I was working are coming back.
When I try to do readings, my brain gets that eaten away/frozen up feeling again. I feel extremely agitated, and have that old wanting to scream feeling again. I get racing thoughts and I get restless, but I also feel frozen in place. I also can't concentrate on working like I could during my time in humanities. In fact, I feel tired most of the day, even when I do get a good amount of sleep.
Right now I'm on 20mg of Cirpalex (Lexapro)/day, as well as a low dose of clonazepam. When I had these symptoms during my time in my office job, however, I was on no medication.
Can anyone relate to any of this? I know this is your typical "talk to your doctor"-type question, but believe me, I've tried. I'll try again, but it would be extremely useful if anyone is familiar with these symptoms and could offer a suggestion as to what on Earth is wrong with me.
Throwaway email address: mybrainhurts_meta@yahoo.com
I get something similar which I call Brain Static. It makes it really difficult to start tasks or to explain to people what I'm thinking. It's also characterised by a certain recursivity in thought processes. When it happens, it feels like I'm caught between two opposing thoughts and all there is, is a white noise into which no answer can drop.
e.g. I could do A easier if I did B but to do B I need to start A which is hard unless I do B. (Repeat until fried)
This may or may not be analogous to your situation.
Coping mechanisms. I'm not great at coping with this if it's a personal issue, but if I'm stuck on a task, I'll ...
1) Simplify the process. Doesn't matter if I do it wrong. Just starting is sometimes enough to upset the balance towards a solution.
2) Talk to people. Of course, they Don't Understand Why The Thing Is Hard, but they can usually help you free up enough mental space for me to get started again.
I don't personally characterise this as a "talk to the doctor" issue, but it may be helpful for you to discuss this as an issue with a professional or someone who can help you towards a greater understanding of your own thought processes.
posted by seanyboy at 7:09 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
e.g. I could do A easier if I did B but to do B I need to start A which is hard unless I do B. (Repeat until fried)
This may or may not be analogous to your situation.
Coping mechanisms. I'm not great at coping with this if it's a personal issue, but if I'm stuck on a task, I'll ...
1) Simplify the process. Doesn't matter if I do it wrong. Just starting is sometimes enough to upset the balance towards a solution.
2) Talk to people. Of course, they Don't Understand Why The Thing Is Hard, but they can usually help you free up enough mental space for me to get started again.
I don't personally characterise this as a "talk to the doctor" issue, but it may be helpful for you to discuss this as an issue with a professional or someone who can help you towards a greater understanding of your own thought processes.
posted by seanyboy at 7:09 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can relate to this. I have bipolar and anxiety issues. If I am doing something tedious that doesn't absorb me I will struggle unless I have music or some other distraction going. It seems counterintuitive, however it is as though part of my brain must *always* be active and things that don't require thought leave that part of my brain just spinning and causing trouble. If I have other stimuli on that part of my brain seems to get out of my way so I can get take care of what needs to get done. Note, however, it is a delicate balance between occupying that part of my brain but not being interesting enough to absorb too much attention!
Sometimes I find that if I use descriptions that are extremely imaginative (parasites :) some doctors don't really take in what I'm saying. They get caught up in what they consider descriptions that are "weird" or "too vivid". Try describing your experience in other ways. Especially describing what happens in a specific incident.
Hang in there!
posted by Librarygeek at 7:21 AM on October 18, 2010
Sometimes I find that if I use descriptions that are extremely imaginative (parasites :) some doctors don't really take in what I'm saying. They get caught up in what they consider descriptions that are "weird" or "too vivid". Try describing your experience in other ways. Especially describing what happens in a specific incident.
Hang in there!
posted by Librarygeek at 7:21 AM on October 18, 2010
I've been diagnosed as adhd. I also do admin work. I hate all of my job but there are certain tasks that give me a creepy crawly feeling and I absolutely loathe them. I become very iritable and absolutely miserable. On occasion these "inside my head" feelings have manifested themselves physically, and I've become dizzy or sick to my stomach. It all makes me feel really childish and stupid. It takes me so long to complete the tasks. I am not on meds right now and don't remember if I've had this feeling while on meds.
posted by mokeydraws at 7:28 AM on October 18, 2010
posted by mokeydraws at 7:28 AM on October 18, 2010
I've got a similar situation to mokeydraws. Admin worker with ADHD (medicated) and some tasks just make me so mentally uncomfortable that it makes them next to impossible to do. Sometimes it has to do with the complexity of the task (not difficulty, but the amount of steps) but sometimes it's completely simple and I still have to force myself to do it because it just gives me an uncomfortableness to even think about it. Two examples: My boss's travel claims and hanging up my laundry. Neither are difficult, one is complex and the other isn't, but both make me feel awful.
seanyboy, have you explored the possibility that you have ADHD? I get trapped in that recursive thought process a lot, along with total information overload. Certain jobs are so overwhelming it's impossible to choose a place to start.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:41 AM on October 18, 2010
seanyboy, have you explored the possibility that you have ADHD? I get trapped in that recursive thought process a lot, along with total information overload. Certain jobs are so overwhelming it's impossible to choose a place to start.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:41 AM on October 18, 2010
ADHD here too; I've had that reaction to (what I perceive as) busywork since my first day of school (I once ripped up my book of math drills, flung the bits across the room, overturned my desk, and ran screaming down the hallway ripping at my hair and clothes; I still kind of believe that everyone secretly wants to do that when they are bored). I've gotten to the point where I don't need medication to function in my life, but I will say that I pursued only those studies that I actually found interesting, so that I could end up in a career that engages my frantic little monkey-brain, because otherwise I would go insane.
If you have this reaction to your library school classes, are you actually going to enjoy being a librarian?
posted by kataclysm at 7:49 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you have this reaction to your library school classes, are you actually going to enjoy being a librarian?
posted by kataclysm at 7:49 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
> If you have this reaction to your library school classes, are you actually going to enjoy being a librarian?
I don't think you have to worry that much about Library school accurately portraying what it is like being a librarian.
I also want to let you know - if you didn't already - that many people I know had a difficult time with Library school because of the busy work and pedantic assignments. For people with an academic post graduate work, it could be very difficult to cope. So - your not alone in your frustration.
Personally, I found the three hour lectures we were subjected to very difficult to focus on. I started knitting like a maniac. A little distraction let me absorb and pay attention to the lecture and discussion.
posted by Gor-ella at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2010
I don't think you have to worry that much about Library school accurately portraying what it is like being a librarian.
I also want to let you know - if you didn't already - that many people I know had a difficult time with Library school because of the busy work and pedantic assignments. For people with an academic post graduate work, it could be very difficult to cope. So - your not alone in your frustration.
Personally, I found the three hour lectures we were subjected to very difficult to focus on. I started knitting like a maniac. A little distraction let me absorb and pay attention to the lecture and discussion.
posted by Gor-ella at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2010
I have ADD, and while I really hate some tasks, like Excel spreadsheets and those little spaces, on Adderall, I can do the tasks. Before meds, I was very easily frustrated and made a ton of mistakes, which made me distressed and the cycle would repeat.
But I also think that there's a certain amount of just gritting one's teeth and plowing through involved. Not every task is fun or interesting, and those are usually the ones I tackle first. Break the job down into small steps, take breaks, promise yourself a reward at the end, etc.
You can unfreeze your brain, and reprogram yourself to do the distasteful jobs. You might not enjoy it, but you can live through them.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:37 AM on October 18, 2010
But I also think that there's a certain amount of just gritting one's teeth and plowing through involved. Not every task is fun or interesting, and those are usually the ones I tackle first. Break the job down into small steps, take breaks, promise yourself a reward at the end, etc.
You can unfreeze your brain, and reprogram yourself to do the distasteful jobs. You might not enjoy it, but you can live through them.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:37 AM on October 18, 2010
Could be a "Talk to the doctor" thing if it's ADD and needs meds for it...
I do that whole gallon of paint thinking, and the whole tangenting onto other tasks that aren't related to what I'm doing. It's extremely frustrating.
Different things work for me, sometimes I need a distraction (or white noise) to help me focus, shutting out the distraction makes me more present in the task.
I've noticed that some people can make tedious tasks into games or challenges and get through them that way. I read a book once where a guy hated doing his books for his company so he'd dress up for the "role" he was taking, I think he might have been an actor.
You're probably tired by all the anxiety you're experiencing, when you're experiencing anxiety the whole fight or flight system kicks in. If you're starting to feel anxious or blocked you might want to do a bit of brisk activity, like a ten minute walk, if you can. It will take you out of the situation so you can reset your mind, and I guess process out some of the adrenaline (flight).
posted by mbird at 10:34 AM on October 18, 2010
I do that whole gallon of paint thinking, and the whole tangenting onto other tasks that aren't related to what I'm doing. It's extremely frustrating.
Different things work for me, sometimes I need a distraction (or white noise) to help me focus, shutting out the distraction makes me more present in the task.
I've noticed that some people can make tedious tasks into games or challenges and get through them that way. I read a book once where a guy hated doing his books for his company so he'd dress up for the "role" he was taking, I think he might have been an actor.
You're probably tired by all the anxiety you're experiencing, when you're experiencing anxiety the whole fight or flight system kicks in. If you're starting to feel anxious or blocked you might want to do a bit of brisk activity, like a ten minute walk, if you can. It will take you out of the situation so you can reset your mind, and I guess process out some of the adrenaline (flight).
posted by mbird at 10:34 AM on October 18, 2010
IANYD
This sounds like a normal, if strong, response to doing tedious things to me. It sounds like you were able to manage your reaction in your office job - you didn't get fired, you didn't throw things, it was just really unpleasant.
I deal with my version with frequent breaks (short walk / internet), productivity hacks, and coffee. For note taking, writing lots of snarky comments to authors I disagree with helps, too. And make sure you're getting as much enjoyable stuff in your life as possible.
posted by momus_window at 3:24 PM on October 18, 2010
This sounds like a normal, if strong, response to doing tedious things to me. It sounds like you were able to manage your reaction in your office job - you didn't get fired, you didn't throw things, it was just really unpleasant.
I deal with my version with frequent breaks (short walk / internet), productivity hacks, and coffee. For note taking, writing lots of snarky comments to authors I disagree with helps, too. And make sure you're getting as much enjoyable stuff in your life as possible.
posted by momus_window at 3:24 PM on October 18, 2010
I know I suffer from anxiety, and as an admin I have felt this way many times. (I'm actually going to look into getting tested for ADD/ADHD if I ever get insurance again.) It's caused me a LOT of problems, but I've found a few things that work. First, make a time limit on how long you work on the crazy making task. Make it for as little as 10 minutes if necessary, and promise yourself a break after 10 minutes of diligent work. Take a break, come back, and do it again. Repeat until done. Don't let yourself get completely spun, but don't put off the task. For me, this reaction comes and goes, not only with the task, but with the vagaries of my mental health. If you're feeling fragile, be kind but firm with yourself. If you're feeling good, then get as much done as you can, while you can.
Also, be upfront with people. If you are having a problem with anxiety at work, let people know. Don't make it into an excuse, but let them know that you are going to have to take a few breaks while you get through your work (although I think it's better in a work situation to say you are "stressed" rather than anxious - I don't know why, but it's better received.) Other than that, make sure you are getting enough sleep and are eating regularly. Don't cram, but don't procrastinate. It's better to break a 1.5 hour task up into 13, 10 minute bites than to never do it at all.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:22 PM on October 18, 2010
Also, be upfront with people. If you are having a problem with anxiety at work, let people know. Don't make it into an excuse, but let them know that you are going to have to take a few breaks while you get through your work (although I think it's better in a work situation to say you are "stressed" rather than anxious - I don't know why, but it's better received.) Other than that, make sure you are getting enough sleep and are eating regularly. Don't cram, but don't procrastinate. It's better to break a 1.5 hour task up into 13, 10 minute bites than to never do it at all.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:22 PM on October 18, 2010
This sounds normal to me as well. I simply can't work in a cubicle sometimes. It helps to schedule a conference room and then work there alone. Also, try and move some of your work to home (virtual) work. Coming in early to clear tasks and write up your daily to do list helps as well. I work from home now, but when I was working in an office it really felt like torture. Some of that is just work.
posted by xammerboy at 8:52 PM on October 18, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 8:52 PM on October 18, 2010
I have bipolar disorder and I *think* I can relate to this. The agitation coupled with racing thoughts and a frozen feeling (could this be depersonalization?) sound to me like what they call a 'mixed state' in bipolar. It's like the numbness and mental fog of depression combined with the agitation and restlessness of mania, plus anxiety on top of it all. To my mind, this is not normal and your meds need tweaking. It doesn't matter that you felt this way in circumstance x, which is different from circumstances now, or that you felt it when not medicated. This does not prove it's just you and is a character flaw. I'm sorry your doctor sucks; read a bit about mixed states and discuss it again if you think that fits the bill. Maybe even ask the doctor about lamictal, or to just assess you for bipolar II.
My knowledge of this stuff comes from having a very good doctor. She has ADHD and bipolar herself. But do take my suggestions with a grain of salt, of course.
posted by kitcat at 3:07 AM on October 19, 2010
My knowledge of this stuff comes from having a very good doctor. She has ADHD and bipolar herself. But do take my suggestions with a grain of salt, of course.
posted by kitcat at 3:07 AM on October 19, 2010
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About six years ago I started at my first office job. The work was easy but tedious, and the environment a bit uncomfortable - I'm not a big fan of cubicle chatter. But my reaction to this so-so situation was extreme. I would sit at my desk and feel like my brain was going to atrophy. I had racing thoughts but felt paralyzed at the same time.
It's hard to describe this agitation, but it sort of felt like my brain was being eaten away at from the inside by parasites. I would feel like getting up and screaming and throwing things around (which thankfully I never did). I would go home and feel kind of like I was hung over, but without the nausea.
IANAD, and obviously I am loathe to throw around diagnoses at an anonymous person on the internet, but I have ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. My agitation, irritability and general distractibility were greatly helped by the use of mood stabilizers and stimulant medication.
posted by cosmic osmo at 6:48 AM on October 18, 2010