Non-Psycho Approach for New Relationship Issue
October 8, 2010 6:25 PM Subscribe
New relationship: Is it appropriate to ask who boyfriend is hanging out with and if so, how does one approach the topic without coming off as a psycho-control-freakazoid girlfriend?
BACKGROUND: I'm in a fairly new relationship with a guy (3ish weeks), we seem to be very compatible, get along great, I actually trust him (I've had issues in the past). He likes me, I like him, we let each other know -- honestly, it's pretty awesome. We've already established that we're not dating others, I trust him. Admittedly, I am somewhat insecure and anxious in relationships (although, less so in this one).
ISSUE: Recently said boy mentioned "hanging out with a friend" and didn't mention who. He's done this on a couple of occasions when meeting up with different people. One of the ladies is his ex, one is someone he was "kind of" dating. I am okay with him having friends that are girls, I have friends who are dudes. Why then, does is bother me that he only says he's hanging out "with a friend" as opposed to "hanging out with Jane [a specific friend]"? He's been so open about everything else that I perceive this as sneakier or it makes me feel like he's hiding something. I know that it's triggering me and that part of this is my "stuff" to work through, that is not the issue.
QUESTIONS:
1) Is this even appropriate after a short time to ask him/ know who he is hanging with?
2) If it is appropriate, any suggestions for how I can best frame my issue/anxiety to him without coming off like a total controlling psycho girlfriend? I don't want to push him away/control him, but I have to be honest with him that this bothers me and why.
3) or do I have to just suck it up?
BACKGROUND: I'm in a fairly new relationship with a guy (3ish weeks), we seem to be very compatible, get along great, I actually trust him (I've had issues in the past). He likes me, I like him, we let each other know -- honestly, it's pretty awesome. We've already established that we're not dating others, I trust him. Admittedly, I am somewhat insecure and anxious in relationships (although, less so in this one).
ISSUE: Recently said boy mentioned "hanging out with a friend" and didn't mention who. He's done this on a couple of occasions when meeting up with different people. One of the ladies is his ex, one is someone he was "kind of" dating. I am okay with him having friends that are girls, I have friends who are dudes. Why then, does is bother me that he only says he's hanging out "with a friend" as opposed to "hanging out with Jane [a specific friend]"? He's been so open about everything else that I perceive this as sneakier or it makes me feel like he's hiding something. I know that it's triggering me and that part of this is my "stuff" to work through, that is not the issue.
QUESTIONS:
1) Is this even appropriate after a short time to ask him/ know who he is hanging with?
2) If it is appropriate, any suggestions for how I can best frame my issue/anxiety to him without coming off like a total controlling psycho girlfriend? I don't want to push him away/control him, but I have to be honest with him that this bothers me and why.
3) or do I have to just suck it up?
I think this is fine, in general, to ask about. Seems like a pretty normal way to have a conversation: "I'm hanging out with a friend" --> "Oh, who's the friend?" Kind of like "I'm going to a cafe" --> "Oh, what cafe?" My concern would be that, as you said, it's already a "Relationship Issue" for you. I don't see any problem with you asking if you do it the way you'd ask someone questions about all sorts of "What'd you do today?" questions. But you don't want to come across like you really need to know and it's a big deal.
posted by John Cohen at 6:39 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 6:39 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you two are exclusive and he says he's hanging out with someone, I think it's fine to ask who. Just like that, "Hey, I'm hanging out with a friend tonight." "Oh, who?"
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:39 PM on October 8, 2010
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:39 PM on October 8, 2010
You can ask who, casually. As long as you don't push for more and more details you won't come off as a psycho new girlfriend.
From his perspective, he's probably not saying the names because you don't know the people, so why would their name be of interest to you?
posted by emyd at 6:44 PM on October 8, 2010 [9 favorites]
From his perspective, he's probably not saying the names because you don't know the people, so why would their name be of interest to you?
posted by emyd at 6:44 PM on October 8, 2010 [9 favorites]
i agree -
"hey, i'm hanging out with a friend"
"oh, who?"
with the addendum of:
"girl's name"
"awesome, have a good time"
to explain his reaction - he might have had a girlfriend in the past who was not ok with him having female friends or it was a big issue and he's expecting you to freak out. remember that sometimes when something seems off it's because both of you are triggering each other. you're not in his head and he's not in yours.
posted by nadawi at 6:44 PM on October 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
"hey, i'm hanging out with a friend"
"oh, who?"
with the addendum of:
"girl's name"
"awesome, have a good time"
to explain his reaction - he might have had a girlfriend in the past who was not ok with him having female friends or it was a big issue and he's expecting you to freak out. remember that sometimes when something seems off it's because both of you are triggering each other. you're not in his head and he's not in yours.
posted by nadawi at 6:44 PM on October 8, 2010 [5 favorites]
After 3 weeks it is not unacceptable to want to know the name of the friends your boyfriend is spending time with. And at 3 weeks there is no problem with asking "Hey, who is that?" without sounding at all nervous, insecure or invade-y. Naturally getting to know one another, and the lay of the land.
posted by fire&wings at 6:45 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fire&wings at 6:45 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
You care about him; you're interested in him, so of course you're interested in what he's been up to. "Oh, cool, did you go anywhere good? Was it a friend you've mentioned to me or somebody new?" are totally appropriate questions to ask.
That said, yes, you should have a conversation where you tell him that you trust him and you respect his space, but that sometimes his vague answers make you uneasy because of your own previous experience. Ask him if there's anything that makes him uncomfortable with your opposite sex friendships that you could help him feel better about. Basically, use the old askmefi standard that you guys are a team, and thus you're coming to him for some help with this small problem you have.
And then if he makes an effort to be a little more forthcoming, do your darndest to show your trust by giving him space. Trust tends to be a positive feedback cycle.
posted by ldthomps at 6:52 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, yes, you should have a conversation where you tell him that you trust him and you respect his space, but that sometimes his vague answers make you uneasy because of your own previous experience. Ask him if there's anything that makes him uncomfortable with your opposite sex friendships that you could help him feel better about. Basically, use the old askmefi standard that you guys are a team, and thus you're coming to him for some help with this small problem you have.
And then if he makes an effort to be a little more forthcoming, do your darndest to show your trust by giving him space. Trust tends to be a positive feedback cycle.
posted by ldthomps at 6:52 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Hey, I'm gonna get beers with a friend."
"Oh, who?"
"Jane."
"Oh, how do you know Jane?"
"We used to work together."
(stop here if you are worried about seeming psycho)
Look, I'm a straight guy, and I'm trying to imagine myself as the guy in the situation. I would not think my new brand-new girlfriend was "psycho" if she asked a follow-up question, even if she was clearly trying to find out if I considered our relationship to be open.
If you're wondering about something, ask. He shouldn't react badly to it. He might, but he shouldn't.
Maybe my attitudes are different from other people's. But I assume that people in the super-early stages of a relationship have some level of curiosity about this kind of thing. I can't think of any time I've been in a relationship when I was offended by someone asking a question.
posted by John Cohen at 7:29 PM on October 8, 2010 [9 favorites]
"Oh, who?"
"Jane."
"Oh, how do you know Jane?"
"We used to work together."
(stop here if you are worried about seeming psycho)
Look, I'm a straight guy, and I'm trying to imagine myself as the guy in the situation. I would not think my new brand-new girlfriend was "psycho" if she asked a follow-up question, even if she was clearly trying to find out if I considered our relationship to be open.
If you're wondering about something, ask. He shouldn't react badly to it. He might, but he shouldn't.
Maybe my attitudes are different from other people's. But I assume that people in the super-early stages of a relationship have some level of curiosity about this kind of thing. I can't think of any time I've been in a relationship when I was offended by someone asking a question.
posted by John Cohen at 7:29 PM on October 8, 2010 [9 favorites]
Well... if he answers with a girl's name, specifically if he answers with an ex's name, are you going to freak? Feel worse? Feel better? What will you do with this information?
Maybe you need to figure that out for yourself before you ask. What difference does it make to you? Does it automatically mean to you that he's cheating if he's hanging with an ex? Are you going to freak out and think he's going to leave you? Are you immediately triggered to the bad place? If the answer to all or some of those is yes, yes I am, then... well, you need to start working on chilling yourself out. Or maybe you're better off not asking at all and just trying to trust him.
Has he has a girlfriend freak out and think he's cheating if he mentions a girl's name? Does he know just how freaked out you are? Those are the two reasons off the top of my head that make me think that's why he feels cautious about saying who he's out with.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:35 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Maybe you need to figure that out for yourself before you ask. What difference does it make to you? Does it automatically mean to you that he's cheating if he's hanging with an ex? Are you going to freak out and think he's going to leave you? Are you immediately triggered to the bad place? If the answer to all or some of those is yes, yes I am, then... well, you need to start working on chilling yourself out. Or maybe you're better off not asking at all and just trying to trust him.
Has he has a girlfriend freak out and think he's cheating if he mentions a girl's name? Does he know just how freaked out you are? Those are the two reasons off the top of my head that make me think that's why he feels cautious about saying who he's out with.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:35 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you could also communicate what you ask here as part of establishing who you are and how you want your relationship to be. The question seems equal parts information about you ("you're usually so open that occasionally when you're less specific I get nervous" "I get nervous but work hard not to be psycho jealous, maybe even erring on the 'silencing myself' side, just want to put this on the table so we can converse about it if necessary") and desires for the relationship ("I want us both to be able to have platonic opposite-sex friendships" "when you are specific I feel more comfortable, or would you mind if I asked for info?"). I think you sound self-aware enough that you could be open about this aspect of yourself and what would make you comfortable.
posted by salvia at 7:51 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 7:51 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I didn't say she'd come off as psycho for asking one or two follow-ups, I hinted that she might be seen as psycho for continuing to ask a long string of follow-up questions.
I was talking about a follow-up beyond the point at which it was said that further questions would signal "psycho." Agree or disagree with me, but I think I've been clear about where I stand on this.
posted by John Cohen at 7:57 PM on October 8, 2010
I was talking about a follow-up beyond the point at which it was said that further questions would signal "psycho." Agree or disagree with me, but I think I've been clear about where I stand on this.
posted by John Cohen at 7:57 PM on October 8, 2010
The one thing that wouldn't be crazy would be telling him that you need regular (though not too frequent), explicit reassurance that he wants to date you. Unless you need him to pledge his allegiance every week on schedule, that's pretty reasonable.
Otherwise, I don't think there's a way to approach this without sounding crazy. To be sure, John Cohen is right when he says that there's nothing crazy with asking questions to be clear about the nature of the relationship, or out of curiosity about his day, and if that were as far as it went, I'd agree. But here, you say a) you trust him (twice!), which, since you are suspicious, I take to mean that you don't think he has given you any reason not to trust him, and b) you think he's being sneaky and hiding stuff, specifically in reference to him socializing with people he used to date. A & b taken together is crazy -- and you know it's crazy because you acknowledge it is your stuff to work through.
You do need to talk with your boyfriend about this, but that you have issues doesn't mean other people have to put up with it. He might be understanding and game, but depending on what you want, you're may be well beyond the sort of indulgence you could reasonably expect of a three-week-old relationship. And what DO you want him to do, exactly? Check in regularly? Provide a list of names of all the people who he plans on going out with, each time he goes out? Updates to that list if he meets additional people? Notices of when he's hanging out with anyone he's (ever?) dated before -- you don't mention how recently he was dating these folks -- or perhaps a promise not to hang out with those folks anymore? I don't want to put words into your mouth OP, but that is where it seems like you were going, and yeah, that's a little controlling.
Which isn't to say he would be the first person to cheat on a partner under the guise of socializing with exes, but if he's going to do that, he's going to do that whether you have him check in with you or not (He could, after all, just lie to you). Deceptive assholes are an ineradicable risk of dating. There are things you can do to protect yourself* but unless there's something that isn't in the question that makes his behavior more suspicious, trying to eliminate the risk that you'll be hurt is more likely to eliminate the risk you'll have a relationship in the first place.
*You can and should practice safe sex if you're having sex, (which includes everyone getting tested and showing each other the results), avoid entering into significant financial arrangements that aren't backed by some legal agreements, and you don't need to be willfully blind if you think he is lying to you.
posted by Marty Marx at 8:00 PM on October 8, 2010
Otherwise, I don't think there's a way to approach this without sounding crazy. To be sure, John Cohen is right when he says that there's nothing crazy with asking questions to be clear about the nature of the relationship, or out of curiosity about his day, and if that were as far as it went, I'd agree. But here, you say a) you trust him (twice!), which, since you are suspicious, I take to mean that you don't think he has given you any reason not to trust him, and b) you think he's being sneaky and hiding stuff, specifically in reference to him socializing with people he used to date. A & b taken together is crazy -- and you know it's crazy because you acknowledge it is your stuff to work through.
You do need to talk with your boyfriend about this, but that you have issues doesn't mean other people have to put up with it. He might be understanding and game, but depending on what you want, you're may be well beyond the sort of indulgence you could reasonably expect of a three-week-old relationship. And what DO you want him to do, exactly? Check in regularly? Provide a list of names of all the people who he plans on going out with, each time he goes out? Updates to that list if he meets additional people? Notices of when he's hanging out with anyone he's (ever?) dated before -- you don't mention how recently he was dating these folks -- or perhaps a promise not to hang out with those folks anymore? I don't want to put words into your mouth OP, but that is where it seems like you were going, and yeah, that's a little controlling.
Which isn't to say he would be the first person to cheat on a partner under the guise of socializing with exes, but if he's going to do that, he's going to do that whether you have him check in with you or not (He could, after all, just lie to you). Deceptive assholes are an ineradicable risk of dating. There are things you can do to protect yourself* but unless there's something that isn't in the question that makes his behavior more suspicious, trying to eliminate the risk that you'll be hurt is more likely to eliminate the risk you'll have a relationship in the first place.
*You can and should practice safe sex if you're having sex, (which includes everyone getting tested and showing each other the results), avoid entering into significant financial arrangements that aren't backed by some legal agreements, and you don't need to be willfully blind if you think he is lying to you.
posted by Marty Marx at 8:00 PM on October 8, 2010
I'm actually going to go with "suck it up" this early in the relationship. Sure, casually asking who it is is fine. But anything more, and any heavy discussion along the lines of "how are we going to handle platonic friends" is way to early. Fact is, you're freaking a bit because it's early in the relationship. Having a prematurely heavy conversation is not going to change that inherent instability. Just wait, keep your cool, and watch. He has to earn your trust -- or lose your trust -- through his actions. Words don't actually mean that much right now.
posted by yarly at 8:05 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by yarly at 8:05 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Let's not throw around "psycho" as a descriptor. It takes a lot of energy and intent to actually be psychotic.
Being interested in who your new boyfriend hangs out with when he's not with you is normal. Following your new boyfriend around under cover of night while he hangs out with his friend(s) and sending threatening text messages about his every move while denying that you're in the car parked right behind him when you really are = psycho. Doesn't sound like you're doing the latter.
You're just wondering what he's doing and that sounds reasonable to me. You're not his mom, so there's no reason for him to be defensive and/or sullen when you ask an innocuous question like "hey, who's Janie?" Don't beat yourself up. Spend your energy going on fun dates instead and taking advantage of that first month excitement!
posted by salem at 8:20 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Being interested in who your new boyfriend hangs out with when he's not with you is normal. Following your new boyfriend around under cover of night while he hangs out with his friend(s) and sending threatening text messages about his every move while denying that you're in the car parked right behind him when you really are = psycho. Doesn't sound like you're doing the latter.
You're just wondering what he's doing and that sounds reasonable to me. You're not his mom, so there's no reason for him to be defensive and/or sullen when you ask an innocuous question like "hey, who's Janie?" Don't beat yourself up. Spend your energy going on fun dates instead and taking advantage of that first month excitement!
posted by salem at 8:20 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Can you explain to him that it's ok to hang out with those people, but that it's the way he seems evasive about it that's driving you nuts? I mean, from his point of view, he's trying to not make you jealous by mentioning those names. He doesn't realize he's conspicuously not mentioning names when he normally does. Probably.
posted by ctmf at 9:55 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ctmf at 9:55 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
One other thing you can do: follow up on what's going to be done.
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Hanging out with a friend."
"Oh, what are you two gonna go do?"
Also, you can do this to him, to give him the idea:
"Hey, I'm going out tonight"
"Oh, with who?"
"My friend, Michael."
Incidentally, re-read that last exchange, where you're being asked "Oh, with who?" -- did it seem like a psycho question?
posted by davejay at 10:29 PM on October 8, 2010
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Hanging out with a friend."
"Oh, what are you two gonna go do?"
Also, you can do this to him, to give him the idea:
"Hey, I'm going out tonight"
"Oh, with who?"
"My friend, Michael."
Incidentally, re-read that last exchange, where you're being asked "Oh, with who?" -- did it seem like a psycho question?
posted by davejay at 10:29 PM on October 8, 2010
No, because the "a friend" wasn't specified. "A friend" means "I don't want to tell you who", for whatever reason, probably just to avoid the hint of drama or perhaps moreso your giving your approval. You are breaking the social contract a teeny bit by asking. It's a little like when you turn someone down with "sorry , I have plans" and they ask "oh, what?". If I wanted to tell you I would have said "I have PTA that evening" or "my brother is in town".
Generec you of course. Does that make any sense?
Talk about this stuff for sure later on, but three weeks in it should be solidly still more fun than work.
posted by Iteki at 10:59 PM on October 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Generec you of course. Does that make any sense?
Talk about this stuff for sure later on, but three weeks in it should be solidly still more fun than work.
posted by Iteki at 10:59 PM on October 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
No, because the "a friend" wasn't specified. "A friend" means "I don't want to tell you who", for whatever reason,
Not necessarily - my boyfriend will often refer to a 'friend' (I'm sure I do it too sometimes). It doesn't mean he doesn't want me to know who, it means a friend that I don't know. He had a life before we met and he has a lot of friends that I've never met or whose names would be meaningless to me. They've only been together 3 weeks, he probably has a lot of friends that she hasn't met yet.
posted by missmagenta at 12:09 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not necessarily - my boyfriend will often refer to a 'friend' (I'm sure I do it too sometimes). It doesn't mean he doesn't want me to know who, it means a friend that I don't know. He had a life before we met and he has a lot of friends that I've never met or whose names would be meaningless to me. They've only been together 3 weeks, he probably has a lot of friends that she hasn't met yet.
posted by missmagenta at 12:09 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mmn, nah. "A friend" is a distancing mechanism, methinks, and after just 3 weeks I think that's ok, but keep an eye on it. It's meant to signal -- "I'm not quite all yours yet."
I would hear it as such and keep some parts of my social life separate, too, just for some cover. It's good to go slow, and that's what I'm hearing here, so take the cue.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:40 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would hear it as such and keep some parts of my social life separate, too, just for some cover. It's good to go slow, and that's what I'm hearing here, so take the cue.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:40 AM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
are you sure you guys are exclusive? he might still be dating other people if you havent explicitly said that you aren't. for me, less than a month is still "just dating" automatically.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:19 AM on October 9, 2010
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:19 AM on October 9, 2010
You're not in a relationship with this guy. You're "kind of seeing" him.
Three weeks in means you're still awkward about most things. Three weeks in means you're seeing him through rose-colored glasses and everything's so intoxicating and amazing.
You have a relationship seed. Too much water or wind or fertilizer could snuff it out. Tread carefully in this garden, Miss Anonymous.
You really like him. You're really hoping a real relationship happens, but you're not there yet. You've got a few bus stops to go until you are.
Suck it up, leave your questions unvoiced, and give him a little more time. He could be cleaning things up in his dating life. He could just be hanging out with friends. If he senses your relationship anxiety (or you confessed it to him), he could be ducking your questions because he doesn't want to fling you into "HEY, WHO'S THE BITCH?" level of jealousy/anxiety.
Relax. He's either yours (or soon-to-be yours) or he isn't. Pushing for answers he's not ready to give may move the needle into "isn't" territory sooner than you'd like.
posted by phoebus at 5:19 PM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Three weeks in means you're still awkward about most things. Three weeks in means you're seeing him through rose-colored glasses and everything's so intoxicating and amazing.
You have a relationship seed. Too much water or wind or fertilizer could snuff it out. Tread carefully in this garden, Miss Anonymous.
You really like him. You're really hoping a real relationship happens, but you're not there yet. You've got a few bus stops to go until you are.
Suck it up, leave your questions unvoiced, and give him a little more time. He could be cleaning things up in his dating life. He could just be hanging out with friends. If he senses your relationship anxiety (or you confessed it to him), he could be ducking your questions because he doesn't want to fling you into "HEY, WHO'S THE BITCH?" level of jealousy/anxiety.
Relax. He's either yours (or soon-to-be yours) or he isn't. Pushing for answers he's not ready to give may move the needle into "isn't" territory sooner than you'd like.
posted by phoebus at 5:19 PM on October 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you ask him casually, no, it would not be unreasonable to ask who he's meeting as a follow-up question. He's not obligated to tell you who he's meeting if he doesn't want you to know.
The fact that he worded it that way could be indicative of a number of good or bad intentions, or it could be entirely unintentional. Give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he's not trustworthy. At 3 weeks in, it's probably not the time yet to start discussing those kinds of issues. With your kind of history, it can be hard to trust people, but keep at it.
posted by hootenatty at 4:38 PM on October 10, 2010
The fact that he worded it that way could be indicative of a number of good or bad intentions, or it could be entirely unintentional. Give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves that he's not trustworthy. At 3 weeks in, it's probably not the time yet to start discussing those kinds of issues. With your kind of history, it can be hard to trust people, but keep at it.
posted by hootenatty at 4:38 PM on October 10, 2010
« Older How can I be a business manager/agent to the... | Help me develop an ear for classical music. Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:33 PM on October 8, 2010 [5 favorites]