Dissociated Sex
October 8, 2010 11:37 AM   Subscribe

How can I get over my bizarre dissociated feelings during sex? (intimate sexual details inside).

I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years this past April. I'm very much over the relationship emotionally. Since then, I've had a recurring sexual issue that is both annoying and somewhat embarrassing. My girlfriend was my first sexual partner, and we regularly had great sex. About 6 weeks after we broke up, I found myself at a new girl's place. We started having sex, but about 20 seconds in, I got a deep "this isn't right" feeling, and essentially bolted out of there. I should mention that this accompanied a sort of premature ejaculation. Fast-forward to early september...after hooking up with a different girl on a few occasions, we started having sex. I came too quickly, recharged, tried again, but got the same sort of dissociated feeling where I just had to leave. Now, again, this happened with a different girl tonight.

So here's the recurring pattern--premature ejaculation, recharge, and then an second attempt accompanied by a dissociated "not right" feeling that compels me to stop. By dissociated, I mean that I suddenly feel a sort of mental separation from what my body is doing. It's really weird.

It's not something thats distressing me, but it's incredibly annoying. I feel worse that I'm making these women feel like they're doing something wrong. Most importantly, I want to have a healthy, normal sex life. I wonder if there's some underlying issues here that I haven't resolved, but given my relative sexual inexperience (in terms of number of partners) I'm not sure how to approach resolving the issue. My gut sense is that it has something to do with intimacy, and that I still associate sex with deep emotional intimacy that I don't have with these casual partners. If that's the case, how do I get over that so that I can have friendly, fun, casual sex as a single man?

Any insight into how I can normalize my sex life would be greatly appreciated.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (7 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
some people aren't cut out for casual sex. you might be one of these people. there's nothing wrong with that. if you're really dedicated to casual sex, there are a lot of fun and sexy things you can do that aren't penis in vagina. maybe see if you go on an all oral/manual diet for a few months.

also, rub one out before your date. it will lessen the chance for premature ejaculation.
posted by nadawi at 11:48 AM on October 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

Disassociation during sex is a common symptom of sexual abuse or assult (even if it occurs as a child). Is there any history of abuse or traumatic sexual memories?
posted by WhiteWhale at 12:21 PM on October 8, 2010

Uh.....perhaps you aren't as over the relationship as you thought?

A deep relationship, particularly one with meaningful deflowering, can be harder to exorcise than we might like. Why not reflect a little on the relationship, what it meant to have your first sexual experience with your ex, and what the relationship taught you about what you want now? As above, maybe your heart/brain/emotions/whatever want more emotional intimacy for sex than the last two girls have had with you.

Or maybe you're just having flashbacks. One time I was....anyway, all of a sudden I thought it was my ex and was like OMG WTF get OFF me! Followed by a quick brain check and a fixation on, um, any name I may have been saying. Old mental habits can be hard to break.

A little more time and some reflection on what your heart wants.
posted by motsque at 12:34 PM on October 8, 2010

how do I get over that so that I can have friendly, fun, casual sex as a single man?

Maybe you don't get over it. There's nothing wrong with deep, emotionally intimate sex. There's a whole lot of people whose brain requires that sex be emotionally intimate. You may be one of them, in spite of your penis' apparent desire to convince you otherwise.
posted by MexicanYenta at 12:39 PM on October 8, 2010

I find that I experience dissociation when I'm anxious. I haven't had it happen in conjunction with sex, but there have been a number of times where I've been waiting to take a test or similar and have popped into full-on medicine-head mode and felt like my neck was 50 feet long. In your shoes, I would take a few more minutes between rounds and do something distracting (e.g., foreplay focused on her) until your brain re-attaches.

As always, if this keeps up and/or troubles you greatly, speak to a physician.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 12:47 PM on October 8, 2010

All that I can say that you should stop having casual sex...many people are not cut out for it and you are exposing yourself to diseases. Having sex with three different people since April is a lot, and that would make me nervous too.
posted by 200burritos at 4:12 PM on October 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Yep yep yep:
I still associate sex with deep emotional intimacy that I don't have with these casual partners. If that's the case, how do I get over that so that I can have friendly, fun, casual sex as a single man?
Time, fool! TIME! You don't get over your first heavy-duty relationship in a few months. Your dick might be over it, but your brain found it important enough to include in your AskMeFi post...

Do you have intimate female friends you're not sleeping with? Just enjoy being close with them. Try doing other sexy stuff with THE LADIES rather than dong-goes-here. Instead of 'recharging,' do other stuff, and don't worry about it. Lots of guys ejaculate quickly. It's no big deal. Ladies don't 'need your dong,' they like your closeness (I assume). Well, do that instead.

Three sex partners since April is not a lot, by the way. Use a condom, be scrupulous, wash up, it's not too huge a deal. Emotionally it seems to be, but not healthwise.

Oh, and...
I'm very much over the relationship emotionally.
...this seems like a false statement. Easy mistake to make!
posted by waxbanks at 7:31 PM on October 8, 2010 [2 favorites]

« Older Tone deaf for B?   |   Which Title(s) Do I List? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.