What's the best way to genuinely end a pseudo relationship?

October 6, 2010 9:50 AM

So, it turns out for me that Harry was right—men and women can’t be friends, or at least this woman can’t just be friends with this man. I need to get myself out of a great friendship that is turning into a terrible pseudo-relationship. What’s the best way to handle this? Snowflake details to follow, of course.

Over the past few months, I’ve been spending a lot of time with a guy. (And am going anonymous because I know he checks in here occasionally and would recognize my username.) I’ve come to realize that we’re in a pseudo-relationship. We spend six days out of seven with each other, check in at night to see how each other’s day has gone, go shopping together, cook together, eat together, do pretty much everything together except the key one: sleep together. The whole Harry and Sally bit minus the sympathy fuck that changes everything. I, of course, have fallen for him and am nearly* positive that he doesn’t feel the same way/is not attracted to me (I’m not his type/am overweight). He’s just not that into me because after this much time alone together, including lounging watching tv on his bed and giving massages, he’d have made a move by now.

And, of course, now that I’ve fallen for him, this situation is not healthy for me. Lately, he’s been talking more about dating (not me)/wanting a girlfriend and recently was set up by a friend. Hearing him talk about it was really not the most fun I’ve ever had, and I realized that I needed to do something about it before it really does (more of ) a number on me. I don’t want to cut him out of my life entirely, and really can’t because we share a number of mutual friends who hang out fairly regularly, but I think for my own mental well-being I need to dial this back. The question is (I got here eventually), what’s the best way to go about doing this? Just really cut back the amount of time I spend with him/only do group activities? This won’t be particularly subtle because of the amount of time we are together, so it doesn’t really end up being that unnoticeable/natural development and might be a wee bit passive-aggressive. Should I just sit down with him and say that as much as I love spending time with him, spending this much time together probably isn’t really that great in the long run for either of us? I am toying with the idea of just saying “Hey, things are getting a little complicated for me emotionally, so I think I need some space. I definitely still want your friendship, but I could use a little time just to straighten things out in my head.” (Only less lame, ideally.) But that seems like putting him on the spot/opening up myself to rejection. So, what’s the best way to handle this that allows me to: 1) get the space that I need 2) keep the friendship in the long run and 3) keep my dignity intact (emotional vulnerability really is not my thing)? Is there a secret option d that I haven’t included here?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total)

I, of course, have fallen for him and am nearly* positive that he doesn’t feel the same way/is not attracted to me (I’m not his type/am overweight).

Is there some reason you haven't asked? Maybe he is.

But that seems like putting him on the spot/opening up myself to rejection.

Yeah, you'll have to do both I think if the relationship is to be honest.
posted by Jahaza at 9:56 AM on October 6, 2010

I, of course, have fallen for him and am nearly* positive that he doesn’t feel the same way/is not attracted to me (I’m not his type/am overweight).

Do you know this for sure? How do you know what his "type" is?

Let me give you a hypothetical scenario here. There's a guy who has been friends with a woman for a while and finds that he is very attracted to her, but she never really seems to be receptive or he doesn't know how to make advances, or whatever, could be a million different things. Recently, he's decided that since she seems disinterested in him and seems to want to be "just friends," he's going to start dating other people.

Does that scenario seem plausible to you? Because that's what I got from what you wrote. People don't spend that much time with each other if there's not at least the seed of something more there.
posted by Electrius at 9:57 AM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]

Is there a secret option that I haven’t included here?

"I love you"
posted by Ironmouth at 10:04 AM on October 6, 2010 [9 favorites]

It is logical to at least enquire with this guy as to whether he would be open to a sexual relationship, which perhaps he has been too shy to suggest himself (strange as that may seem; I know that men are always thought to be more sexually aggressive than women, but that is not always the case). What if he tells you that he would be interested in a romantic or sexual relationship but only if you were first to lose some weight? Would you consider doing that? This is at least a possibility. But of course, it may be that he really loves you only for your personality. If that is the case, you can just spend less time with him. Since you two are not an actual couple, no actual breakup is needed for that to happen. Just spend less time with him.
posted by grizzled at 10:06 AM on October 6, 2010

The romantic in me says you just say, "Oh, fuck it," and kiss him during one of the many hours you spend shopping, cooking, and eating together.

The realist in me says that could really totally backfire.

The rest of me says, "Doesn't at all sound like the dude just isn't into you," from what you wrote. There's no, "NOT INTO YOU" flag that is flying from this post. It may be he's not into you, but I think there's a highly respectable, possibly good chance he is and you should take the risk of romantic rejection. You say you can't be friends with him any more anyway, so why not put it all out there before breaking off the entire relationship?
posted by zizzle at 10:07 AM on October 6, 2010

Consider the idea that [a) you dialing your friendship back and becoming less entrenched in each other's lives, and b) laying your feelings on the line and letting him know how you feel and him letting you know that he doesn't share them] could very well have the same results. If that's the case, what's the risk in going with the latter? At least in that case, one of the possible outcomes is that you end up together if he does actually have feelings for you. If he doesn't, then you're in the same boat as if you'd just withdrawn, only with the closure and no "what if?"s.

Just a thought.
posted by scarykarrey at 10:09 AM on October 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm going to go against the tide here and say you don't have to let him know how you feel, unless you have a feeling he might respond. Instead, focus on what you need.

Tell him that you need space, and want to keep the friendship long term, but in the short term you need to dial it back. It's true that if Either of you wants to start dating, or to focus more on your own goals, you might need that "together" time for it. Figure out what dialing it back means to You, and propose it.

What do you need for You? Do that.
posted by ldthomps at 10:13 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

I think you are focusing too much, in your proposed solutions, on taking care of him rather than taking care of yourself. More, you don't have to compromise a friendship with him, or your reluctance to be passive aggressive or share more than is comfortable in order to start getting to a healthier place.

You're obviously an interesting person, with a terrific ability to establish intimacy, who has a lot of friend and more-than-friend worthy interests--you enjoy structuring a day around friends and cooking and eating with others. Keep doing all those things, but bring more people to the party. Instead of eating lunch with him, invite different friend. Go to Saturday market with someone new to that experience with you. Call your favorite gossip at the end of the day to catch up instead of calling him. You still deserve to feel good and cultivate your natural (awesome) tendency to spend your time with others, and I think you'll feel less hurt if you give yourself the chance to see that many others, not just him, can benefit from your company. Better, you'll benefit from more diversity in your intimate life.

This does take a little initiative, but it's a more fun initiative than sitting down for a 'talk' with your friend that may or may not work and may or may not spare anybody's feelings. As difficult as it can be to cold call friends to invite them to activities you may not have enjoyed with them before, everyone likes to be asked and to do new things with friends. As these other friendships blossom, he'll assume a healthier position in your life that will give you better perspective on his relationship choices.

You sound nice and fun, and you deserve, and the other folks in your life deserve, for you to get out there. As you open up your circle, I'm betting you'll heal, gain perspective, have fun, and still enjoy friendships that are important to you without associated drama. It may be a bit artificial at first to replace time slots with him with time slots you spend with others, but that will ease and I'll bet you'll have a great winter.

Good luck--this is something so many of us have worked through.
posted by rumposinc at 10:13 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

If he's gearing up to date, maybe you should do the same. Date other people. Not to make him jealous or put him on notice, but to make sure your attraction to him isn't all or partly just due to this routine you have. Would you be attracted to him if you met him today? It does sound like you are acting like a couple and naturally you will have a hard time giving this up if one or both of you gets involved with other people. Not saying you shouldn't eventually make your feelings known-- just make sure you really have them.
posted by BibiRose at 10:20 AM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]

You might want to read this AskMe and its accompanying MeTa.
posted by TedW at 10:21 AM on October 6, 2010

: "Is there a secret option d that I haven’t included here?"
Find a boyfriend who does want you romantically. Then you have the understandable transition form hanging out too often with friend guy to hanging out very often with boyfriend guy. You don't even have to find a boyfriend, just mention to your friend that you too are interested in "dating (not me him)/wanting a girl boyfriend". Then you can start dating, which 1) gets you away from this guy physically and 2) gets you into someone else emotionally.

plus if this guy likes you then the ball is in his court to make the move
posted by I am the Walrus at 10:21 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

“Hey, things are getting a little complicated for me emotionally, so I think I need some space. I definitely still want your friendship, but I could use a little time just to straighten things out in my head.” (Only less lame, ideally.)

That doesn't sound lame to me. It sounds honest and straightforward.

If I was Dan Savage, I think I'd tell you to TALK TO HIM. Tell him whats going on in your head, the new feelings you're having, and your fears of losing him as a friend etc. Just TALK TO HIM. He sounds like a nice guy, so if he lets you down, he'll let you down easy.

Seriously. TALK TO HIM. You might be surprised at what he says.
posted by Koko at 10:23 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

I had a relationship just like that with a guy for 2 1/2 years before he finally made a move. I had no clue during that time that he was interested. If you're spending that much time together, he probably is interested.
posted by MexicanYenta at 10:25 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think you should tell him how you feel because emotional vulnerability is not your thing. It's something that needs to be developed in order to have a fulfilling relationship. You don't have to issue a grand revelation like, "I love you." My boyfriend and I were good friends in a similar situation about a year ago. We both started dating other people even though we had this pseudo-relationship thing going on, and after a few weeks of that he finally stepped up and told me how much it hurt him to see me with someone else because he wanted to be with me. He faced his fear before I faced mine. But even though the beginning of the relationship required less emotional risk on my part, I've still had to work on being vulnerable and trusting him with my heart. No matter what happens with this guy, learning to be more open with your feelings will serve you well in the long run.
posted by spinto at 10:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

I disagree with most of the above. When a guy talks to a female friend about the other women he's interested in, it usually means he's not interested in his female friend. Hell, that's the technique I use to clue people in that I'm not interested in them. I'm not saying that's for sure what's going on in your situation, but that's my read.

You don't need to make a big deal out of this. You can tone down the friendship without taking things to awkward town. Hang out with him once or twice a week, and be busy the rest of the time. Try to meet other people. Saving the friendship might mean dealing with your own emotions without involving him in the process.

I know the usual advice around here is "talk to him about it", but I think that's wrong in this case.
posted by auto-correct at 10:39 AM on October 6, 2010 [12 favorites]

you have mutual friends, why not get someone to investigate? have someone you trust, with the right personality, and in the right context, ask him "My god, haven't you and Pseudo slept together YET?" His response will tell you everything.

I'm thinking it might be as mentioned above: "He may be enjoying himself and may want more from you but is too insecure to ask you for it or take the initiative." so a charmingly obnoxious friend's questioning would give you some good insight.

Also, FWIW, my husband is absolutely not my 'type' but i love him madly.
posted by ChefJoAnna at 10:44 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

When a guy talks to a female friend about the other women he's interested in, it usually means he's not interested in his female friend. Hell, that's the technique I use to clue people in that I'm not interested in them.

Absolutely.

And if you're not up for being emotionally-vulnerable, you can always do the same to him, and read his reaction. Mention a guy or edating or something, and see how he reacts. And yes, I know this is probably not the healthiest approach. Emotional honesty isn't my thing.

In any event, I'd dial back the friendship a few notches, get yourself some space.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:52 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

Are you not his type because you are overweight? or are you not his type AND you are overweight? If it is the former it is up to you whether losing weight is something you want to do...if it's the latter it doesn't matter.

I would say something like, "I see you're making an effort to go out and date...hanging out with me 6 days a week is I'm sure hindering that...not to mention what that does for my romantic possibilities." There's no reason you can't be 3-day a week friends.
posted by teg4rvn at 11:19 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

You should talk to him, or just try to kiss him. He will let you down easy. One additional thing to consider though: how to respond if he says "I have a crush on you, but I don't want to ruin our friendship" I was in a similar situation (as the boy) years ago, and the girl didn't handle the fact that I didn't want to date well. We are no longer friends due to the way she treated me in the months after that conversation.
posted by bessel functions seem unnecessarily complicated at 11:36 AM on October 6, 2010

Have a friend do some investigative work, if possible (like chefjoanna says would be perfect), so that you can be sure that he is not into you. If he is, great.

If not, here's what I'd do (not necessarily what is best, but what I'd do). I would be thinking about how if he isn't into me, than any admission of me being into him ("this is getting complicated for me emotionally") will probably make him feel differently about our friendship and me. Instead of talking to him, I'd probably come up with a new hobby of some sort that would take up a lot more of my time so that I didn't have as much free time to spend with him, thereby getting more space and also not letting on what's up. Try joining a sports team, taking up knitting, training for a marathon - anything you can be sure he will not want to join you in doing. Hell - and this is just me - I'd rather lie to the guy about a fake hobby to save face than have that conversation you outlined above.
posted by coupdefoudre at 11:39 AM on October 6, 2010

I am your friend. I am not superman. I cannot read your mind. And when you laugh at my jokes, and call me on the phone twice a week , I can't begin to figure out whether you like me romantically or not, because we are already friends. I am human and I don't want to get shot down, because I've been shot down before. And when I don't know a woman and she is affectionate, I have some idea that she is interested in me. But you genuinely like me, so I can't tell. And since I care about you, I don't want it to be awkward or difficult for you, ever.

So touch me on the hand, look me straight in the eye, something. You have start giving off signals.

This is going on right now for me. Tomorrow I'm flying 3000 miles to see you. And its way harder than you can imagine.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:45 AM on October 6, 2010 [7 favorites]

I was the guy in this scenario years ago. She told me that she had been having feelings for me, and asked if I had them back. I said that I placed great value on our friendship, but didn't have romantic feelings for her. She was very cool about it, and we stayed friends. We still are. It doesn't have to be a make-it-or-break-it thing.
posted by Clambone at 12:04 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Some people here have given great advice, especially rumposinc and auto-correct, so I won't repeat what they have said.

I would say that, however, if you do decide that you want to come clean with your attraction to him, the best way to do is it to tell him right out loud, "I really like you and I was wondering whether there would be any possibility of a romantic relationship."

And the worst way to tell him is to kiss him. Because A) you might get pushed away and that is serious self-esteem damage, or B) you might get a sympathy kiss or a well-I-guess-there's-no-harm-in-kissing-her kiss (in which case you'll get further emotionally attached and he will be in the awkward position of questioning himself whether or not he really likes you, with a lot of hmmph-hahhhing to follow.)
posted by moiraine at 12:13 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Pull back from this relationship; you don't have to explain why unless he asks. If he does, this, "“Hey, things are getting a little complicated for me emotionally, so I think I need some space. I definitely still want your friendship, but I could use a little time just to straighten things out in my head," is pretty darn close to what I'd advise you to say.

I agree with others that if he's talking about other women in front of you, it most likely means that you're in the "friend zone" and he wants you to know that. If that's not the case and he is interested in you, then talking about other women makes him either A. a jerk or B. cluelesslly insensitive or C. a strangely passive-aggressive bad communicator or D. some combination of any or all of the above.
posted by 100watts at 12:22 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Been there, done that. You *can* let him know how you feel, but I'm with other posters above who say that if he's making noises about dating (and not you) then he's probably not interesting in dating you. You're probably great friends. Doesn't mean you'll be great romantically.

So, I'll go with the other posters above who say back off a bit and see what else is out there for YOU that's not HIM.
posted by patheral at 12:27 PM on October 6, 2010

If the genders on this question were reversed, everyone would be telling you to get out there and take the chance. You're sure of what he thinks because "he hasn't made a move" - but of course nor have you. You both are just hanging out - 6 days a week and giving each other massages. It's not beyond all possibility that you could date.

If you would rather play the slightly more traditionally female role than just turning things sexy (and possibly being rejected), I'd let him know that you have a crush on him, so if he only wants a platonic friendship with you, you'll need some time. But leave it open enough that if he is interested in something beyond "just friends" he can say so.
posted by mdn at 1:07 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

if he's making noises about dating (and not you) then he's probably not interesting in dating you

That might be true, but not necessarily. When I was getting divorced I mentioned to a friend that I was nervous about dating again, partly in hopes that he'd show a glimmer of interest. (He did, and we got married a couple of years later!)

I'm with those who think you should at least take a shot at talking to him.

But to answer your question about how to end the friendship, I can tell you that the too-intense friendship I was in several years ago began fizzling to an end when I started taking classes and didn't have time to hang out much any more. She quickly found a new best friend and we were dialed back from joined-at-the-hip to vaguely friendly acquaintances in a very short time.

Classes or hobbies a couple of nights a week will buy you some space, and, if he is the sort who likes to have someone to hang with all the time, he will likely begin to fill up his newly-free evenings with someone else. Even if he doesn't find another pal right away, he'll be getting used to the idea of seeing you less. You can gradually curtail your hanging out by scheduling study dates or coffee dates or other get-togethers and outings related to your new class or hobby.

This also has the added bonus of giving you something fun to do and think about while you're trying to get over him.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:09 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

i was in a similar position years ago. i lived round the corner from a guy i knew from college and we started hanging out..alot. we called each other everyday after work, got something to eat, hung out all the time etc. he even let me stay at his place for a few months so i could get on my feet. and i'm sure, he looked at the people i was dating and thought he wasn't my type. at first i saw him as my BFF but as time passed & mutual friends told me that this guy was in love with me. all i wanted was for him to step up to the plate and say something to that effect. if he did, it would've turned him from my BFF to my BF in a heartbeat. he never did and so it became a lot of heartbreak instead.

all that said, if you're certain that you want to get out of this 'relationship', just tell him the truth...this is getting complicated, i need to scale back. and see what he says.
posted by UltraD at 1:15 PM on October 6, 2010

I half-agree with the commenters above, saying that if he's talking about other women in front of you, he's probably not interested romantically. I can see where that might be the case ... unless he's trying to get a reaction out of you, because he's tired of being in the Friend Zone.

The only way to find out is to ask him.
posted by Koko at 1:41 PM on October 6, 2010

If he's talking about other women, he may not be interested, or he may just have given up and be planning to move on the same way some people are telling you to do here.

I'm sure you can start dropping hints if you want to, possibly freaking your friend out and even making him feel sexually harassed and creepy about your friendship if, in fact, he is not into you.

I'm sure you can start dating other people and trudge through a series of dull, empty relationships while perma-fantasizing about the one that got away.

You could build a database of risk-averse, hypercomplicated, emotionally terrified tips from previous Asks and deploy them all at once in an extravaganza of tortuous ambiguity.

You could take your courage in both hands, get really really drunk, and say to your friend while throwing up all over his pants "OMGUR teh luv of my lief I cant live if living is withoutyou I boiled ur bunny HTTPBBQ" and, when he turns you down, pretend to stay friends while occasionally dropping caustic, bitter remarks and escalating your verbal abuse until you finally end the friendship by causing a scene at his wedding.

Or you could say, "Dude, I think I'm beginning to have feelings for you which go beyond friendship. I fully understand if that bothers you, and if it does, I promise you'll never hear another word about this because I value our friendship too much ever to jeopardize it in any way." Then see what he says.

If he's your friend he'll understand that you owed him that much honesty.
posted by tel3path at 2:35 PM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]

One thing you could do which would keep from hurting him or embarrassing you would be to just be honest. Tell him that you loooooooove spending time together, but you need to stop hanging out so much because you want a real boyfriend and spending all of your time with someone who isn't interested in you isn't good for you. If he's not interested, that's friendship preserving - and if he is, you've given him something to think about and an opening to shake things up. (That said - how dare you say that lack of moves means lack of interest!!)
posted by moxiedoll at 3:40 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

(ha! only after typing that do I remember that that's actually what Sally did. So.)
posted by moxiedoll at 3:42 PM on October 6, 2010

I'm agnostic on the tell / don't tell question, mostly for a lack of info. Generally, openness is faster, and it sets the stage for more openness in the long-term on everything. Also, my personal standard is that by the time something is significantly affecting my behavior toward someone, I should probably have told them clearly at least once. (I file that rule under the Honesty section of my ethics.) I can override this, but I have to have really good proof that they already know or could not do anything with the information.

But that aside, if you want to continue the wait-and-see approach, hobbies, joining a sports teams, taking an evening class, or even dating sound like easy ways to back off.
posted by salvia at 3:59 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm not an expert at starting relationships by any stretch so I won't bother going there, but I just thought I'd quickly mention something given that you referred to your weight being an issue.

One of my best mates is really, really, really good looking. 6'1", well built but not gym junkie, blues eyes... anyway he's had girls swooning over him since forever. We have a mutual friend, and she is a gorgeous, awesome, caring, hilarious person, who just so happens to be overweight. Definitely not his type. They hung out a lot, watched movies together, blah blah blah...

One day they show up at a party together... TOGETHER!

Now (two years later) they're looking to buy a house, and according to my mate his not-my-type-and-overweight girlfriend is a dynamo in the sack.

Just kiss him and see what happens. In the world of love, I say it's better to gamble on eternal happiness / emotional trainwreck than to take the "safe" option...
posted by autocol at 4:14 PM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

I would have to agree with auto-correct upthread. I am sorry to say, but according to the information, it seems as though he isn't romantically interested in you. By him throwing out there about potentially dating others, to me, is a rather clear signal. We always hear about the wonders of our instinct and to trust them, and I think that you are reading yours correctly. Because, simply, we KNOW when we feel and what we feel most times during situations like this, but it's the decision to face a truth and acknowledging it or not that can screw it up! Also, my guess would be that he is very aware of the feelings you have developed...

Anyway, I go with the others who say simply become interested in things with other people, do things elsewhere with others and be open to someone who would take all of you, including the romantic part. I wouldn't really say anything/open up; I'd just start being busy with other things without him. I think if he really IS interested in you, he WILL come and get you. If someone is interested, usually they DO want to let you know, and do everything to make you get closer to them, not take a risk of making you run the other way.

Good luck, be happy!
posted by foxhat10 at 5:04 PM on October 6, 2010

Want to add, the reason I wouldn't say anything is because I think going that route would just create a potential for a lot of drama and maybe an end to the friendship. IMO.
posted by foxhat10 at 5:06 PM on October 6, 2010

I was in your friend's position, only I was already in a relationship. It was an unfortunate situation for many reasons, but the thing that made it worse was that neither me nor my close, opposite-sex friend had the courage just to be open and honest about what we wanted. Tell your friend how you feel, and don't apologize for it. Chances are decent that he feels the same way. Even if he doesn't, if he's really a friend, he'll handle it compassionately and respectfully, and your friendship can survive it.

There's a way to be cool about this, and it boils down to: "Hey friend, I'm not sure if I'm mis-reading your signals or what, but we spend all our time together and it seems like we have a ton in common. I like you and would like to try being together. Do you feel the same way?"
posted by cirripede at 6:55 PM on October 6, 2010

I'm not sure we can conclude Mr. Love Interest is not interested back. First, saying he wants a relationship, that could be a positive hint. Second, saying he wants to date others might not be a done-deal rejection if it's possible that the OP missed signals earlier, particularly if their interest developed at different rates. Like this --

Love interest -- [super super subtle signal]
OP -- [lack of response]
Love interest -- [super subtle signal]
OP -- [does something random]
Love interest -- [interprets random action as a super subtle rejection, feels hurt]
OP -- [sends super super subtle signal of interest]
Love interest -- [misses signal, decides he needs to get more distance from this friendship]
OP -- [sends super subtle signal of interest]
Love interest -- [resolves to date others, mentions it in case the OP wants to yell "no, wait!"]
OP -- [figures that OP is not interested, feels hurt, posts on AskMe]
OP -- ______

If that is the real chronology (which it might be; I've definitely lost out on at least one potential relationship through a combination of timing and super-subtle signals, and surely I'm not alone here), it would be the worst kind of irony if the truth never came to light.
posted by salvia at 7:52 PM on October 6, 2010 [7 favorites]

Well, OP, salvia has it. Do you want to make your friend think you're not interested by going out and looking for someone else because you think he's not interested because he went out and looked for someone else because he thought you weren't interested and you might lose the friendship because it's too fragile to withstand the truth and on and on and on for eight years?

Or do you want to tell him the truth and risk hearing no?

It's my experience that if someone won't take the risk of hearing no from me, they don't love me.
posted by tel3path at 12:10 AM on October 7, 2010

I would leave outright.

That's what I did 3 days ago, literally.

I met a woman at work 7 months ago whom I connected at every level when it came to banter, conversation, interests, and anything in between that would make for a fine foundation for a relationship. It didn't start that way, naturally. I first saw this as only friend material - but best friend material was also on the short list. That was the scary part. This woman could finish my sentences ... and this always bothered and intrigued me.

It started off simply. Going out for lunch, hanging out for work social events, etc. Then the socializing escalated: movies, dinner (including one where she invited me to her house where she cooked for me and really opened up to each other) which all eventually led to a foundation for being very close platonic friends. A few more dinners, movies, hanging out, long drives eventually led to one specific outing where she ended up spending the night at my place (she was tired, it was late and she lived far). She slept in my bed and I slept in the basement. Nothing happened. This eventually led to be a very frustrating evening for me after the fact because all I could think of were the what-ifs in this case. Should I have slept with her? Should have I tried? as there was quite a bit of intimacy, snuggling, etc that happened before we went to sleep. Long story short, I didn't sleep much.

Fast forward a few weeks. This is where the strangeness starts to happen. Text messages become more intense in terms of content, the phone calls begin to increase ... the proverbial "I called because I was thinking about you" content ... and so forth. We go out one night into the town to meet my friend who's celebrating a birthday at a downtown club. She's happy to come with me. On a random occasion, I grab her hand and clutch it tightly while crossing a street. BOOM! there is a spark. I felt it right there. She soon puts an offer to meet up for lunch with her brother (the only family she's got in town as her parents live in another province). I saw through this right away: family validation/acceptance ... I get it. I meet her brother and everything is dandy, we get along so inside I'm thinking I passed the big brother test. Soon after we leave lunch and he brother, she grabs my arm. And I'm thinking this is it. It's on.

That night, we got close. Very close, and ended up being intimate in every way besides sex. It was amazing and magical. And for the next week I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had fallen.

Then a turn ... She tried to shut the door on me and said she didn't want to give me so much hope. I of course wondered what the fuck was happening here because I thought everything was falling into place. I fought back, tried to win her again. So we tried again, this time as friends again the way we started, but we always fell victim to the 'relationship' things: holding hands, kissing, constant last calls ... most nights her voice was the last thing I heard before going to sleep. I was totally smitten by this girl ... but there was never a label, no acknowledgement ... it had become a quasi-relationship. She insisted it was a chemistry thing, a timing thing, a patience thing, a past-relationship thing ... very complicated. I tried to play the game for 2 more months and give myself and on-deman time line. Everytime I'd mention anything to escalate, the same thing would happen ... passion, passion, and more passion, and me more confused that day than the last. I was losing my mind.

Last Sunday, I left her house for the last time. I couldn't do it anymore. The pretending. Her indecisiveness, her insistence to keep this a platonic relationship but suffer to heart-felt moments at times. It was too much to bear for me. I wanted her to be in my life permanently as my partner. She was grey on the issue.

My last words were simply: "I hope if you finally find what you want, it's not too late." And I left.

Deep inside I want her to call me. But that seems unlikely given the way she is.

Leave. Yes, it hurts. And I still constantly think of her. But being with her hurt me too much. But healing will come.

Thanks for the chance to rant.
posted by sniperantics at 12:54 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

Wow, well, this sounds familiar. I would just be like, "hey. it seems like we're spending a lot of time together, and people are starting to ask me what's up. I would be into being more than friends, but if not, that's cool, I just want to know what's going on."

...and then you either ride off into the sunset together, or else you stay friends and look for other options.

It's tempting, but ultimately fruitless, to try to make up some elaborate explanation for his behavior. Just ask him. It might be painful, but at least you can stop wondering.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:37 AM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, and I think it's a bad idea to try to lose weight in order to become his "type" because then you'll always be worrying that he'll leave you if you gain it back, and that is no way to live.
posted by exceptinsects at 12:26 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]