Help me invent jokes for my friend's roast.

October 5, 2010 8:13 PM

We're doing a roast of a friend of mine on his birthday, and I need help coming up with jokes. Lets call him "Steve". The roast was Steve's idea, and he told us all he wants us to be as brutal as we can be. Roast style jokes aren't my forte, so I'm including a list of character traits he's famous for, and maybe everyone can help me get started!

Things that he is famous for...

He's extremely narcissistic and selfish. He tends to sulk if he doesn't get his way.

He has an allergy to gluten, and he never stops complaining about it. If he eats a single crumb of wheat he gets diarrhea.

He's an actor. Quite successful, but mostly on a local level.

He's closeted to his family (who won't be attending) despite having had a boyfriend for 5 years.

He's quite short, but (I have heard) is well endowed. He likes to let people know about it.

I'm still brainstorming, so don't filter your self. If you have an idea, please post it! Leave not hurting his feelings up to me!

posted by shanevsevil to Human Relations (22 answers total)

"Steve, based on the character traits shanevesevil has put forth, and the fact you REQUESTED a roast of yourself, you sound like an annoying bastard". Or something like that....
posted by lattiboy at 8:27 PM on October 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

You're an actor, and at your height, when I say you're beneath me, it's a like a double word score.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:32 PM on October 5, 2010 [4 favorites]

"Steve actually requested this roast himself, which automatically makes him a self-absorbed asshole. The last time I was asked to roast a queer actor, it was in response to a Craigslist ad. It turns out a 'spit roast' is not what I had imagined."
"Steve shares a couple of traits with Napoleon, in that he's both short, and endowed with an enormous cock, at least if you believe him. Me, I don't really believe that last part. The way I figure, it's not possible to both be a giant dick and have a giant dick at the same time."
posted by Gilbert at 8:54 PM on October 5, 2010 [18 favorites]

Best answer: "We've all joked about Steve's stature, but I don't know; I think in certain instances it has really aided his acting. Who here can forget his very realistic onstage portrayal of 'man who is very far away?'"
posted by Gilbert at 9:00 PM on October 5, 2010 [29 favorites]

"Steve, you've done a great job as an actor locally, but you're going to have to step up your game at some point! At this rate, the only way you're ever going to see any stars is to hit yourself in the head with something."
posted by Gilbert at 9:13 PM on October 5, 2010

But seriously, I was talking about Wil Wheaton and Steve broke out into hives.
posted by inturnaround at 9:25 PM on October 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

Best answer: On some airlines, they make overweight people buy an extra set, it's terrible. Of course it's even worse for Steve: he has to buy two extra seats. One for his penis and another for his ego.
posted by contessa at 9:35 PM on October 5, 2010 [11 favorites]

I would literally read the list you wrote above. Out loud. While scowling. It'd be freakin' hilarious.
posted by goblinbox at 9:51 PM on October 5, 2010

Best answer: Steve tells everyone he meets about his huge cock. Unfortunately that wasn't enough to convince the guy at Six Flags to let him ride the roller coaster.

Steve's been in the closet so long his cum tastes like mothballs.

Steve is a proud union member. Of the Lollipop Guild.

The only two things Steve can eat without shitting himself are french fries and his boyfriend's cum.
posted by hamsterdam at 1:44 AM on October 6, 2010 [8 favorites]

"Stand back, that joke was so corny, Steve's probably going to shit himself"
posted by IanMorr at 6:58 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

"He's so cheap, last week Jack Benny bought him a cup of coffee."
posted by gjc at 7:44 AM on October 6, 2010

Steve is a successful actor on the local level. Which is like saying you're the smartest kid on the short bus. And I don't mean the short bus for retarded kids. I mean the Short. Bus. Steve is so short, he needs a ladder to blow a guy. Steve is so short. I mean, really short. Hiding in the closet? Not a problem. That's a great thing about Steve. He can stay in the closet and not ruin your coat.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:52 AM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]

Steve's the only guy I can think of who, if you want to bust his chops, you have to sit down on the ground to do it.
posted by contessa at 8:15 AM on October 6, 2010

Best answer: We're all here today to roast Steve, who is so full of himself he asked us to do it. Later on is the real party -- the one with cake and pizza and sandwiches. Don't worry, Steve, you aren't invited.
posted by contessa at 8:17 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Steve often gets compared to Tom Cruise, not because he's an actor, but because he's 5'3" and doesn't want anyone to know he loves cock.
posted by electroboy at 8:35 AM on October 6, 2010 [24 favorites]

Best answer: Steve's a successful local actor, which means he'll be around to take your drink orders in a few minutes.
posted by electroboy at 8:43 AM on October 6, 2010 [11 favorites]

Steve's been in the closet so long that he got teabagged by moths.
posted by mippy at 9:56 AM on October 6, 2010

Steve's so gay he uses cock flavored chapstick.
posted by thatguyjeff at 10:00 AM on October 6, 2010

Response by poster: Oh my god, you guys are hilarious. Thanks! Keep em' coming!
posted by shanevsevil at 11:47 AM on October 6, 2010

Best answer: If you know Steve at all, you've probably heard he has a gigantic cock. It's not really, it just looks long compared to his legs.
posted by electroboy at 1:44 PM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]

Best answer: "So not only did Steve request his own roast, but he also insisted on reviewing all the jokes beforehand. Not only that, but he actually gave me notes on what to say, but I didn't bring my glasses so I can't make some of them out. Could someone help me out with this? I don't want Steve getting all pouty because I didn't use his notes."

{have a audience member read a few of the following "notes" into the microphone}

"I think this joke would be better if it mentioned how big my cock is"

"NO SHORT JOKES"

"Try to work in a reference to my cock"

"Seriously, no short jokes"

"Needs more about my cock"
posted by electroboy at 2:05 PM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]

i just have to say, these are reallly, really funny! :)
posted by foxhat10 at 10:59 AM on October 7, 2010