I Dread This Visit
September 29, 2010 11:04 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with a new boyfriend's new look?
I very recently started dating a guy that I met on a business trip. So far we seem very compatible in a lot of ways - we had a great time together and hit it off right away. We've been keeping in touch via Skype and email and I am planning a trip to Vancouver to see him again soon for a longer stay.
However, he just surprised me by sending me a picture of his new dreadlocks. I am not against dreadlocks in general but it is not something that I find attractive on a man at all. I find myself wincing when I look at the picture and he does not look like the same guy that I was attracted to before.
He mentioned how long he had wanted to dread his hair and that his family wouldn't like it. I didn't want to be associated with their negativity so I told him that it looked great.
I am afraid now that I will make the trip to see him and we won't have the same spark as before because I can't get over the dreads. Is there a way that I can suggest that he change it, or is it one of those things that are so personal and would never end well? What do I say when he asks again if I like it - do I keep lying?
Is there anything I can do to make it clear that his dreads are getting in the way of my attraction to him? I would like to be as tactful and as kind as possible. I know that I could just wait it out but honestly, if he keeps them, it's hard for me to see past them.
I very recently started dating a guy that I met on a business trip. So far we seem very compatible in a lot of ways - we had a great time together and hit it off right away. We've been keeping in touch via Skype and email and I am planning a trip to Vancouver to see him again soon for a longer stay.
However, he just surprised me by sending me a picture of his new dreadlocks. I am not against dreadlocks in general but it is not something that I find attractive on a man at all. I find myself wincing when I look at the picture and he does not look like the same guy that I was attracted to before.
He mentioned how long he had wanted to dread his hair and that his family wouldn't like it. I didn't want to be associated with their negativity so I told him that it looked great.
I am afraid now that I will make the trip to see him and we won't have the same spark as before because I can't get over the dreads. Is there a way that I can suggest that he change it, or is it one of those things that are so personal and would never end well? What do I say when he asks again if I like it - do I keep lying?
Is there anything I can do to make it clear that his dreads are getting in the way of my attraction to him? I would like to be as tactful and as kind as possible. I know that I could just wait it out but honestly, if he keeps them, it's hard for me to see past them.
I think you should just be honest and say "I didn't want to tell you this because I am afraid of upsetting you, and I have nothing against them, but I am really just not attracted to men with dreadlocks," and see what he does and says. If he really likes you he might reconsider having them, otherwise you can politely end this very new relationship. I feel the same, but about different things - I think beards and moustaches are fine... on men I'm not with.
posted by meepmeow at 11:12 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by meepmeow at 11:12 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
See if you mind the dreads in person. You may not. If you end up really not liking the whole look, be honest and say that it turns out you just don't care for the dreads. But remember, it's his hair and he is under no obligation to you to change it.
posted by cooker girl at 11:13 AM on September 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 11:13 AM on September 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't lie to him. If it were me, I would say "Well, they're alright but I'm not gonna lie, I liked your hair better before" and say it with a sympathetic look, genuine concerned look. But, maybe you were attracted to the visage instead of his inner personality? 'Cause normally, I love a man with long hair but when my crush cut his short, I still found him insanely attractive 'cause his personality was freakin' awesome. But be truthful in as you say "a very tactful way" without pressuring him to take them out. If you still can't get over the dreads after this visit (ha, just read your title) then let this one go.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 11:15 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 11:15 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is strangely shallow. Very recently started dating? Act polite. Seriously, what would you want him to say if you, say, dyed your hair a color he didn't like? Do that. He's the exact same person he was before, and I agree that with something something that if something as minor as this really obliterates your attraction to him, there probably wasn't much of a chance for the relationship in the first place.
For what it's worth, I had a friend who refused to date another friend until he cut off his dreadlocks. I always found it weirdly controlling, and it seemed to set the tenor for a relationship that was generally inequitable and not always very supportive of the guy's goals.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
For what it's worth, I had a friend who refused to date another friend until he cut off his dreadlocks. I always found it weirdly controlling, and it seemed to set the tenor for a relationship that was generally inequitable and not always very supportive of the guy's goals.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:19 AM on September 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
i'm sure that you dig him and not liking his new hair is not as superficial as it sounds. if you shaved your hair to a short spikey cut (assuming this is not what you have already), he might also feel differently. attraction is real and key esp in kicking off a new relationship.
tell him on skype so you can avoid a potentially awkward trip!
posted by UltraD at 11:27 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
tell him on skype so you can avoid a potentially awkward trip!
posted by UltraD at 11:27 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's superficial, but it sounds like maybe you don't really like him enough to get past it and maybe Vancouver's a long way to go to feel like, 'ick'.
Alternatively, I don't think the truth is so awful if you tell him. Who hasn't lied about something like that at one time or another? I cut my hair short recently. I don't like it, Mr. Llama doesn't like it, but God love him he's been lying up a storm.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:35 AM on September 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
Alternatively, I don't think the truth is so awful if you tell him. Who hasn't lied about something like that at one time or another? I cut my hair short recently. I don't like it, Mr. Llama doesn't like it, but God love him he's been lying up a storm.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 11:35 AM on September 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
Since it's so early in the dating process and you're considering splitting because of this, you might as well be honest and see what happens from there. This might not be the most comfortable approach in the short term, but at least you'll be handling the situation with integrity if you communicate about what's bothering you.
Unfortunately, you've gotten off to a not-so-great start in the honesty department by telling him they look "great!" when you decidedly do not think they look great. He'd probably have a hard time dealing with your sudden change of opinion.
But you're allowed to become un-attracted to someone due to a major change in hairstyle. This is up to you. Metafilter's taste in what your taste or priorities should be is irrelevant to how you should live your life. For you to suppress your feelings because you read some people on the internet saying you're too superficial -- that would be the really superficial thing.
Now, as someone else mentioned, you can't really say you're less attracted to him in dreads. You have never seen him in dreads. You've only seen a photo of him in dreads. There's a big difference. But if you already know you never find men in dreads attractive, then you can bet you won't find him attractive. Dating someone you find blatantly unattractive is not a good move. (The only exception would be if you're the rare person who doesn't care at all about physical attractiveness -- but that's apparently not the case since you posted this question.)
The situation is less than ideal. But what are you supposed to do -- keep dating someone you're not actually attracted to just for the sake of perpetuating a white lie you blurted out in the past? The only mature way to handle this is to be honest about your feelings. "Honest" doesn't mean "tactless," but at a certain point you're going to have to communicate your real feelings. Better to do that sooner rather than later.
posted by John Cohen at 11:35 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, you've gotten off to a not-so-great start in the honesty department by telling him they look "great!" when you decidedly do not think they look great. He'd probably have a hard time dealing with your sudden change of opinion.
But you're allowed to become un-attracted to someone due to a major change in hairstyle. This is up to you. Metafilter's taste in what your taste or priorities should be is irrelevant to how you should live your life. For you to suppress your feelings because you read some people on the internet saying you're too superficial -- that would be the really superficial thing.
Now, as someone else mentioned, you can't really say you're less attracted to him in dreads. You have never seen him in dreads. You've only seen a photo of him in dreads. There's a big difference. But if you already know you never find men in dreads attractive, then you can bet you won't find him attractive. Dating someone you find blatantly unattractive is not a good move. (The only exception would be if you're the rare person who doesn't care at all about physical attractiveness -- but that's apparently not the case since you posted this question.)
The situation is less than ideal. But what are you supposed to do -- keep dating someone you're not actually attracted to just for the sake of perpetuating a white lie you blurted out in the past? The only mature way to handle this is to be honest about your feelings. "Honest" doesn't mean "tactless," but at a certain point you're going to have to communicate your real feelings. Better to do that sooner rather than later.
posted by John Cohen at 11:35 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
My husband prefers my hair long. I prefer my hair short. I tell him it's my head, my hair, and my time spent on maintenance.
Give the hair a chance. If you suddenly decided to get a perm or dye your hair, would you expect to give him a yea or nay vote beforehand? Of course not!
You're both free to say you don't care for your partner's hair, but you don't get to control it.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:42 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Give the hair a chance. If you suddenly decided to get a perm or dye your hair, would you expect to give him a yea or nay vote beforehand? Of course not!
You're both free to say you don't care for your partner's hair, but you don't get to control it.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:42 AM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with Ted. I'm so completely and utterly disgusted and turned off by dreadlocks on white guys that I would dump this guy in this situation. I have such a visceral reaction to dreads on white guys that I wouldn't even be capable of lying and saying that they look good. I feel for you OP. I think you should just be honest with him but try to be nice about it. I have a feeling that a lot of the people he's friends with will probably do the same and maybe he'll change his hair style. I do agree that he has the right to do whatever he wants to his hair, but you also have the right to feel however you want to feel about it. Also, people are attracted to what they are attracted to and it's wrong and weird to call someone shallow for it.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:44 AM on September 29, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:44 AM on September 29, 2010 [9 favorites]
If you really like it, I'd say wait it out. He might get sick of the upkeep. You might decide his personality is worth it. I sympathize, though. I have the same reaction to a lot of kinds of facial hair because it reminds me of Dad, and Dad = not sexy.
I also have a lot of stories in my head about what fashion choices mean. (Suddenly get a mohawk? Are you suddenly channelling your inner rebellious teenager?) But if the person isn't otherwise acting 15, the mohawk stops mattering much, even if I think it doesn't suit them.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:47 AM on September 29, 2010
I also have a lot of stories in my head about what fashion choices mean. (Suddenly get a mohawk? Are you suddenly channelling your inner rebellious teenager?) But if the person isn't otherwise acting 15, the mohawk stops mattering much, even if I think it doesn't suit them.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:47 AM on September 29, 2010
If you really like it
It=him. Not the hairstyle.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:48 AM on September 29, 2010
It=him. Not the hairstyle.
posted by small_ruminant at 11:48 AM on September 29, 2010
See what happens. If it dies, it dies, nothing you can do about it.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:50 AM on September 29, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 11:50 AM on September 29, 2010
If he changes them it's a good bet he'll be bitter and resentful, and if he changes them for you you'll feel bad if you end up not wanting to date him for some other reason.
Plan a short-ish visit, see how you feel about them in person. He also might get it out of his system (they're not really business-y, so maybe he'll end up getting rid of them for work purposes?) - it could just be one of those always wanted to do it, did it, okay done kind of things.
I probably wouldn't lie if he asks again, I'd just say "unsure" about them.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:54 AM on September 29, 2010
Plan a short-ish visit, see how you feel about them in person. He also might get it out of his system (they're not really business-y, so maybe he'll end up getting rid of them for work purposes?) - it could just be one of those always wanted to do it, did it, okay done kind of things.
I probably wouldn't lie if he asks again, I'd just say "unsure" about them.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:54 AM on September 29, 2010
He mentioned how long he had wanted to dread his hair and that his family wouldn't like it.
Oh, so he's the typical person doing it for attention. Yeah, this is basically a giant banner reading "UNDERLYING IMMATURITY". No loss.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:56 AM on September 29, 2010 [7 favorites]
Oh, so he's the typical person doing it for attention. Yeah, this is basically a giant banner reading "UNDERLYING IMMATURITY". No loss.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:56 AM on September 29, 2010 [7 favorites]
You can't change dreadlocks- once they're in you pretty much have to shave them off. They're almost impossible to comb out, although if this guy has naturally straight hair they MAY still be comb-outable at this point, but his hair will be fried and crispy looking from being all matted. I think you're pot-committed here, because asking him to shave his head when he's carefully grown it out to a dreadlockable length is probably not going to yield a good result.
I also don't think you're being shallow, especially if this man is nonblack. Dreads on nonblack people aren't just a hairstyle- they also make a pretty strong statement about how the wearer perceives his or her right to borrow from marginalized cultures and religions, and you might not agree with that.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:14 PM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I also don't think you're being shallow, especially if this man is nonblack. Dreads on nonblack people aren't just a hairstyle- they also make a pretty strong statement about how the wearer perceives his or her right to borrow from marginalized cultures and religions, and you might not agree with that.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:14 PM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, so he's the typical person doing it for attention. Yeah, this is basically a giant banner reading "UNDERLYING IMMATURITY". No loss.
It's a little odd to characterize a grown man deciding to do whatever he wants with his hairstyle as being a sign of immaturity. I mean, as much as my father despises how very short I keep my hair, I think even he realizes that my incomprehensible reasons for not wanting to keep my fifth-grade hairstyle are not just to spite him.
Go ahead and visit and see if the spark transcends the hairstyle. And I don't think there's anything at all wrong with saying "ehhhh, I dunno how I feel about the dreads."
If he asks why you changed your mind, you can either say that you feel differently after seeing them in person, or you can cut even closer to the truth and say that you were trying to keep an open mind and hey, it's his head, but you frankly don't really love it.
Perhaps if the OP wanted to talk about race, they would have included the relevant details?
posted by desuetude at 12:22 PM on September 29, 2010 [6 favorites]
It's a little odd to characterize a grown man deciding to do whatever he wants with his hairstyle as being a sign of immaturity. I mean, as much as my father despises how very short I keep my hair, I think even he realizes that my incomprehensible reasons for not wanting to keep my fifth-grade hairstyle are not just to spite him.
Go ahead and visit and see if the spark transcends the hairstyle. And I don't think there's anything at all wrong with saying "ehhhh, I dunno how I feel about the dreads."
If he asks why you changed your mind, you can either say that you feel differently after seeing them in person, or you can cut even closer to the truth and say that you were trying to keep an open mind and hey, it's his head, but you frankly don't really love it.
Perhaps if the OP wanted to talk about race, they would have included the relevant details?
posted by desuetude at 12:22 PM on September 29, 2010 [6 favorites]
Generalizations about the moral character of people who wear dreadlocks are counterproductive here. The fact is, any kind of dramatic change in appearance early in a relationship means a dramatic change in what you know and like about the person: you don't have much to go on other than physical appearance, initial attraction, and what little getting to know each other you've done.
Do you like him enough to go ahead with the visit? If so, you can wait and see both what you think of the hair in person, and how enthusiastic he is about keeping it. If you hate them and he's not liking the dreads as much as he thought he would, you might be able to comment, "You know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings since you were trying a new look, but I loved your old hairstyle--if you're not happy with the dreads, would you consider switching back?" or if he totally loves them, you can either end the relationship without mentioning why you're no longer attracted to him or say, gently, "When I saw your photo, I didn't know what to say, so I fibbed because you seemed so pleased with your new hairstyle. The truth is, I don't love the dreads. I don't think they're weird or countercultural, I just don't find dreads on men attractive."
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:25 PM on September 29, 2010
Do you like him enough to go ahead with the visit? If so, you can wait and see both what you think of the hair in person, and how enthusiastic he is about keeping it. If you hate them and he's not liking the dreads as much as he thought he would, you might be able to comment, "You know, I didn't want to hurt your feelings since you were trying a new look, but I loved your old hairstyle--if you're not happy with the dreads, would you consider switching back?" or if he totally loves them, you can either end the relationship without mentioning why you're no longer attracted to him or say, gently, "When I saw your photo, I didn't know what to say, so I fibbed because you seemed so pleased with your new hairstyle. The truth is, I don't love the dreads. I don't think they're weird or countercultural, I just don't find dreads on men attractive."
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:25 PM on September 29, 2010
If you and this guy lived in the same town, I'd suggest seeing if it played out soon enough on its own, but in this case it's going to cost you to find out if you're even attracted to him anymore. So I'd suggest one of two things:
1) Tell him you're not crazy about the dreads, apologizing for not being upfront about it before. See how he reacts. If he's wanted to try dreads for a long time, it's possible that they haven't lived up to his expectations.
2) Go on the trip and see how attracted to him you are in person, but have a backup plan -- i.e. what are you going to do if this really does kill your attraction? Can you arrange to still have a fun vacation in Vancouver by yourself if things don't work out?
posted by spinto at 12:28 PM on September 29, 2010
1) Tell him you're not crazy about the dreads, apologizing for not being upfront about it before. See how he reacts. If he's wanted to try dreads for a long time, it's possible that they haven't lived up to his expectations.
2) Go on the trip and see how attracted to him you are in person, but have a backup plan -- i.e. what are you going to do if this really does kill your attraction? Can you arrange to still have a fun vacation in Vancouver by yourself if things don't work out?
posted by spinto at 12:28 PM on September 29, 2010
FWIW it's actually not always completely impossible to get rid of dreads without cutting them off. My cousin got dreads for an acting job and was able to comb them back out. It was a lot of work, and I'm sure her hair was not in as good shape as it was before she started, but she did it. Said cousin is white with wavy/curly hair - not sure how possible the dread comb-out is for people with kinkier hair. And as far as I can tell OP never said anything about this guy's race! Not that it matters unless "I'm not attracted to guys with dreadlocks" is code for "I'm not attracted to smelly hippies."
posted by mskyle at 12:40 PM on September 29, 2010
posted by mskyle at 12:40 PM on September 29, 2010
Mod note: A few comments removed. The question is not "how much do you dislike dreads on white guys and what do you think they do with their spare time".
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:51 PM on September 29, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:51 PM on September 29, 2010 [6 favorites]
I didn't want to be associated with their negativity so I told him that it looked great.
Big, big mistake. You need to be honest about these things, because it's going to come out, and you'll look terrible to him for lying.
On the original question: If it's a deal-breaker, let him know. If he has a problem with that, then break the deal. Does it suck? Yes. Is it the best thing for all involved in the long run? Also yes.
Of course, he might not be as attached to it as you think now that he went and did it. Who knows?
posted by Citrus at 1:12 PM on September 29, 2010
Big, big mistake. You need to be honest about these things, because it's going to come out, and you'll look terrible to him for lying.
On the original question: If it's a deal-breaker, let him know. If he has a problem with that, then break the deal. Does it suck? Yes. Is it the best thing for all involved in the long run? Also yes.
Of course, he might not be as attached to it as you think now that he went and did it. Who knows?
posted by Citrus at 1:12 PM on September 29, 2010
There is brutal honesty, and then there is being polite. Most people, in polite society, in polite company, have learned the skill of being tactful. If a woman in the elevator says something like "ARen't my shoes cute" I might smile and nod instead of saying "No, they look cheap and ugly". If my best friend asks me, I might ask her if she loves them and wants me to reinforce her love of her shoes or I might say, "I know you love them but those are not my favorite shoes, honey".
You are barely dating this guy. He is not your boyfriend. Your standard of honesty is still in the polite mode, as far as I'm concerned, and it was okay to say it looked good.
I say you go and see how things are in person.
posted by micawber at 1:17 PM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are barely dating this guy. He is not your boyfriend. Your standard of honesty is still in the polite mode, as far as I'm concerned, and it was okay to say it looked good.
I say you go and see how things are in person.
posted by micawber at 1:17 PM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would say wait until you see him in person before you make a decision about this. I mean, if you really liked the guy when you were with him before, maybe when you're with him again it won't bother you as much as you thought it would. And if it does, then you could always tell him in person that it looks different from how you thought it looked over Skype or whatever, and you preferred how he looked without the dreads. You could tell him you thought about it more before coming to that conclusion. If the relationship ends up fizzling out over his hairstyle I have to think there's more to it than that, but I have known some fine folks with dreads.
The thing is, if he's wanted to do this for a long time and then did it, despite his parents' feelings about it, honestly I sort of respect him for that. It can be hard to go forward with voluntary physical appearance changes when you know your parents wouldn't like them. If you end up not liking the look enough that you don't want to date him anymore, so be it, but it sounds like he finally went through with something he really wanted to do.. to which I say, "Good for him." And maybe some other woman will like it, if not you.
posted by wondermouse at 1:18 PM on September 29, 2010
The thing is, if he's wanted to do this for a long time and then did it, despite his parents' feelings about it, honestly I sort of respect him for that. It can be hard to go forward with voluntary physical appearance changes when you know your parents wouldn't like them. If you end up not liking the look enough that you don't want to date him anymore, so be it, but it sounds like he finally went through with something he really wanted to do.. to which I say, "Good for him." And maybe some other woman will like it, if not you.
posted by wondermouse at 1:18 PM on September 29, 2010
Oh, so he's the typical person doing it for attention.
Dude, what? Not everything that people do outside of the norm is done for attention. If anything, his not dreading his hair to avoid his family's displeasure was the sign of immaturity.
Anyway: My boyfriend, armed with the knowledge that I prefer his hair when it's longish (I very seriously dislike short hair), tends to put off haircuts longer than he would otherwise. Unfortunately, this kind of deference is not possible with dreadlocks.
Speaking as someone with dreads (they're down to the small of my back, but I can't bring myself to shorten them), making the choice to go that route is pretty much a long term decision. It's not easily done and it's certainly not easily reversed. I suggest visiting him and deciding at that point whether or not it is a dealbreaker. I can't say whether it's shallow or not shallow if it is (we like what we like), but if I were breaking up with someone because I didn't like their hair, I would feel pretty lame admitting it.
Plus, I would feel awful (and worried about future resentment) if someone changed their hairstyle to stay in a relationship with me, especially if it were obvious that they were happy with the style.
posted by eunoia at 1:35 PM on September 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
Dude, what? Not everything that people do outside of the norm is done for attention. If anything, his not dreading his hair to avoid his family's displeasure was the sign of immaturity.
Anyway: My boyfriend, armed with the knowledge that I prefer his hair when it's longish (I very seriously dislike short hair), tends to put off haircuts longer than he would otherwise. Unfortunately, this kind of deference is not possible with dreadlocks.
Speaking as someone with dreads (they're down to the small of my back, but I can't bring myself to shorten them), making the choice to go that route is pretty much a long term decision. It's not easily done and it's certainly not easily reversed. I suggest visiting him and deciding at that point whether or not it is a dealbreaker. I can't say whether it's shallow or not shallow if it is (we like what we like), but if I were breaking up with someone because I didn't like their hair, I would feel pretty lame admitting it.
Plus, I would feel awful (and worried about future resentment) if someone changed their hairstyle to stay in a relationship with me, especially if it were obvious that they were happy with the style.
posted by eunoia at 1:35 PM on September 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
Also, people are attracted to what they are attracted to and it's wrong and weird to call someone shallow for it.
People are attracted to what they are attracted to, sure, but rejecting someone for a hairstyle and not for any deeper issues of personality or interaction is pretty close to most reasonable parties' definition of shallow, and OP should know that she might be perceived that way by either her boyfriend or others.
Whether that matters to her is up to her.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:42 PM on September 29, 2010
People are attracted to what they are attracted to, sure, but rejecting someone for a hairstyle and not for any deeper issues of personality or interaction is pretty close to most reasonable parties' definition of shallow, and OP should know that she might be perceived that way by either her boyfriend or others.
Whether that matters to her is up to her.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:42 PM on September 29, 2010
Several times (maybe 3?), when a guy is just starting to get to know me, not even really dating but it's clear he really likes me- I'll talk about how great they would like without a beard or (some other change in hair style or facial hair), or how I don't really care for a particular aspect of their hair style/facial hair and emphasize how that it's just my opinion, that if they think it looks great that's all that matters....and a few days later they've changed it however I suggested. Maybe you should try this approach, if nothing else, if he changes it you'll know that he really really likes you (if he doesn't change it, it doesn't mean that he doesn't really really like you, though)
would be curious to know if you try this approach if he does change, send me a message :)
posted by saraindc at 1:52 PM on September 29, 2010
would be curious to know if you try this approach if he does change, send me a message :)
posted by saraindc at 1:52 PM on September 29, 2010
If you don't like them, you are going to have to tell him...nicely.
That some might consider the OP shallow is nonsense. People reject others as intimate partners based on appearance all of the time. The OP just met this guy. They do not have a significant relatonship. My guess is that the OP would not have started dating him if he already had his dreads when she met him. And that is the deal...she just met this guy and he made a drastic, unexpected, unpleasant and unwanted change in his appearance. Can't the OP find his matted hair sexual repellant without harsh judgment?
posted by murrey at 2:32 PM on September 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
That some might consider the OP shallow is nonsense. People reject others as intimate partners based on appearance all of the time. The OP just met this guy. They do not have a significant relatonship. My guess is that the OP would not have started dating him if he already had his dreads when she met him. And that is the deal...she just met this guy and he made a drastic, unexpected, unpleasant and unwanted change in his appearance. Can't the OP find his matted hair sexual repellant without harsh judgment?
posted by murrey at 2:32 PM on September 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
Hi - just wanted to jump in to say, it isn't shallow to have a big problem with a hairstyle change.
I'd come clean when you see him. Say, I wanted to be supportive, but to be honest, I was a little uncertain about your dreads when you sent me the picture, and now that I'm here, I really don't think they look great on you. Is this an experiment, or are you planning to rock this style for a while? Because if it is an experiment, I can't wait to see what you'll look like with a faux-hawk (or substitute another fun, whacky hairstyle)!"
If it is an experiment, maybe wait it out. If this is a long-term hair choice, be ok with deciding that you don't want to be with him. It isn't a shallow thing. Don't let this thread convince you otherwise.
posted by arnicae at 3:08 PM on September 29, 2010
I'd come clean when you see him. Say, I wanted to be supportive, but to be honest, I was a little uncertain about your dreads when you sent me the picture, and now that I'm here, I really don't think they look great on you. Is this an experiment, or are you planning to rock this style for a while? Because if it is an experiment, I can't wait to see what you'll look like with a faux-hawk (or substitute another fun, whacky hairstyle)!"
If it is an experiment, maybe wait it out. If this is a long-term hair choice, be ok with deciding that you don't want to be with him. It isn't a shallow thing. Don't let this thread convince you otherwise.
posted by arnicae at 3:08 PM on September 29, 2010
It's not hard to back out of this situation as you've not seen them up close.
Wait till you see him and then, if you still don't like them, say "you know what, now I've seen them I have to admit I think I preferred your hair the way it was before".
If he gets rid of them, good for you. If not, then part ways and find someone who has a look you do like.
Who cares if it's superficial? Only you know what you like and what you dislike and you shouldn't change that just to appease a bunch of random people on the Internet.
posted by mr_silver at 3:09 PM on September 29, 2010
Wait till you see him and then, if you still don't like them, say "you know what, now I've seen them I have to admit I think I preferred your hair the way it was before".
If he gets rid of them, good for you. If not, then part ways and find someone who has a look you do like.
Who cares if it's superficial? Only you know what you like and what you dislike and you shouldn't change that just to appease a bunch of random people on the Internet.
posted by mr_silver at 3:09 PM on September 29, 2010
Mod note: few more comments removed. absolutely stop the dreadlocks and race conversation, please
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:20 PM on September 29, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:20 PM on September 29, 2010
My last guy had hair down to the small of his back and I LOVED it. He moved to the frozen north and I'm still in the deep south. He's recently cut his hair short and shaved his beard. Now he looks completely different and I hate to say that I'm sure I wouldn't be physically attracted to him if we were to meet today. He looks that different.
This, of course, doesn't make me like him any less now because I know and love him, but if I were just starting to date him, it might well have been a deal breaker. Maybe, maybe not, he's got a magnetic personality. But I mean, physical attraction is what draws people to each other first place. If the OP doesn't like dreads then they don't like dreads. There's nothing wrong with that.
Still, OP, I'd wait to meet him again in person and see how you feel then before making a final decision. If they (the dreads) really turn you off the tell him the truth. Lying about it isn't going to make anyone feel better. If he gets angry because you said you liked them in the first place, tell him that's before you saw them in person...
I completely told my guy that his whole look changed and I wasn't sure how I felt about it...
posted by patheral at 4:22 PM on September 29, 2010
This, of course, doesn't make me like him any less now because I know and love him, but if I were just starting to date him, it might well have been a deal breaker. Maybe, maybe not, he's got a magnetic personality. But I mean, physical attraction is what draws people to each other first place. If the OP doesn't like dreads then they don't like dreads. There's nothing wrong with that.
Still, OP, I'd wait to meet him again in person and see how you feel then before making a final decision. If they (the dreads) really turn you off the tell him the truth. Lying about it isn't going to make anyone feel better. If he gets angry because you said you liked them in the first place, tell him that's before you saw them in person...
I completely told my guy that his whole look changed and I wasn't sure how I felt about it...
posted by patheral at 4:22 PM on September 29, 2010
Is there a way that I can suggest that he change it, or is it one of those things that are so personal and would never end well? What do I say when he asks again if I like it - do I keep lying?
I had dreads down to my waist on and off for about ten years. It's definitely an acquired taste for the wearer and the people who are involved with them. I think it's important that you mention that it's not to your liking in some way that makes it clear that you don't think he's an idiot for doing it. Those are two separate things
1. I don't like the way they look in general and I guess I don't like the way they change your look
2. People who have dreads are idiots [for various reasons]
It doesn't sound like you think he's an idiot, so I think it's totally okay, especially early in a relationship, to say that you don't like them. And I guess have a private conversation with yourself about whether they're a dealbreaker. I can imagine someone I was newly dating saying that they didn't like dreadlocks and I wouldn't have taken it personally but I also would have been unlikely to change my look. There are a number of different and overlapping reasons why people choose to dread their hair. Some are fashion-based, some are religion-based, some are ethnicity-based &c. You may want to ask yourself if the reason for his deciding to do this matters to you or if it's just the look itself.
And really, it's okay. This is a choice he made, one that you feel you might not like. You may just be anxious about it or it just may make him look different in a way that's not appealing to you. So, no, don't keep lying. But allow yourself the option of changing your mind. It may be easier once you go see him to figure out what you're really feeling one way or the other.
posted by jessamyn at 4:35 PM on September 29, 2010
I had dreads down to my waist on and off for about ten years. It's definitely an acquired taste for the wearer and the people who are involved with them. I think it's important that you mention that it's not to your liking in some way that makes it clear that you don't think he's an idiot for doing it. Those are two separate things
1. I don't like the way they look in general and I guess I don't like the way they change your look
2. People who have dreads are idiots [for various reasons]
It doesn't sound like you think he's an idiot, so I think it's totally okay, especially early in a relationship, to say that you don't like them. And I guess have a private conversation with yourself about whether they're a dealbreaker. I can imagine someone I was newly dating saying that they didn't like dreadlocks and I wouldn't have taken it personally but I also would have been unlikely to change my look. There are a number of different and overlapping reasons why people choose to dread their hair. Some are fashion-based, some are religion-based, some are ethnicity-based &c. You may want to ask yourself if the reason for his deciding to do this matters to you or if it's just the look itself.
And really, it's okay. This is a choice he made, one that you feel you might not like. You may just be anxious about it or it just may make him look different in a way that's not appealing to you. So, no, don't keep lying. But allow yourself the option of changing your mind. It may be easier once you go see him to figure out what you're really feeling one way or the other.
posted by jessamyn at 4:35 PM on September 29, 2010
As a new girlfriend, you are not in a position to ask him to change his hair. You are, of course, always entitled to state your opinion, and you are the only one who can decide whether it's important enough to you to be honest about your tastes in hair style.
My husband of 16 years has gone through many iterations with his hair--from completely buzzed to long, with a crazy bushy mountain-man beard. I found the beard a turn-off and thought him much hotter when (after a couple years) he shaved it off. However, you know, it was his hair. And it isn't the hair, in any style, that I am in love with.
The other side of it is, he prefers my hair long and curly, but I like it better short. So I keep it short, and he doesn't bug me about it.
So I guess I'd say, in answer to your question, that yes, it's a personal thing. You certainly may state your preferences; but if a change in hair style makes you question the relationship, I really think you should ask yourself whether you were that into him in the first place. I don't mean this in a judgmental way--it's just a suggestion to step back and look at the bigger picture. Hair styles come and go; a good person doesn't.
posted by torticat at 8:53 PM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
My husband of 16 years has gone through many iterations with his hair--from completely buzzed to long, with a crazy bushy mountain-man beard. I found the beard a turn-off and thought him much hotter when (after a couple years) he shaved it off. However, you know, it was his hair. And it isn't the hair, in any style, that I am in love with.
The other side of it is, he prefers my hair long and curly, but I like it better short. So I keep it short, and he doesn't bug me about it.
So I guess I'd say, in answer to your question, that yes, it's a personal thing. You certainly may state your preferences; but if a change in hair style makes you question the relationship, I really think you should ask yourself whether you were that into him in the first place. I don't mean this in a judgmental way--it's just a suggestion to step back and look at the bigger picture. Hair styles come and go; a good person doesn't.
posted by torticat at 8:53 PM on September 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by something something at 11:10 AM on September 29, 2010 [8 favorites]