Trying to get my act together

September 25, 2010 6:21 AM

Trying to get my act together but overly dependent on others.

I've been trying to figure out how to get my life back in order. I've been unemployed for a while, I don't really have any friends. (My family is pretty dysfunctional and I think it's healthier to stay away from them) I've been trying to figure out how to get myself going. I've read online about various personality disorders and the avoidant, dependent, and a bit of the borderline all sound like me.

I was always extremely shy and I tend to avoid social situations where I can, because they are so stressful. I often blurt out something that upsets someone. People can find me difficult to be around. And I am moody. Lately I've been depressed and ashamed about being unemployed and really have nothing to say to people. I've been mostly sleeping and reading and not doing much else.

My last job ended badly and as a result I don't have any confidence in myself. I tend to avoid things because I am anxious I will screw up somehow or it will go wrong (it seems like I'm always in trouble for screwing up something, even in the past) and can't seem to get things done unless I am practically violently threatened, or someone calms me and walks me through step by step. I am overwhelmed pretty easily by things most people take in stride. I'm not sure what's wrong.

In the past I've tried talk therapy and CBT. It didn't help. Once I leave the session everything just falls by the wayside. I just go blank, or get distracted, or wander off on tangents.

I'm not sure how I can make myself more functional. I'm kinda of approaching an emergency financially, so need to get my act together.

throwawayemail: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (9 answers total)

The best answer I can give you without knowing your mental history is you have to understand what's happening up there and once you do, fully accepting it. I have OCD with probably a touch of ADHD as I feel overwhelmed organization the simplest of things when it's no problem for others. Right now it's proving difficult but you have to stop being hard on yourself. When you're hard on yourself, confidence goes by the wayside. When you accept areas you want to address or fix within you, that's when you can be calm in making little changes here and there. When I need to get something done, I admit I procrastinate. It's always worked for me. If I'm learning something new. People do have to teach me step by step making sure I ask a lot of questions. Theres nothing inherently wrong with you, unless you make it out to be. There's nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to calmly figure things out. As far as your job situation, seriously, act like it's life or death just this one time and crack the whip, even if it makes you anxious. Be friends with your anxiety when it happens and BREATH. Finding a job is your number one external priority that is separate from what's going on inside. You can do it!
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 6:45 AM on September 25, 2010

When I was depressed and sleeping and reading and little else, and feeling bad about myself, what I should have been doing was a lot of volunteer work. Probably some particularly grueling volunteer work involving physical labour.

One foot in front of the other; just do it. Don't dwell on past mistakes; instead: "Am I doing the very best I can possibly be doing right now? Okay, then, we're good; that's what's going to get me out of this." You must keep on in the right general direction and count anything that is not a slide backwards as a success. If you spend a day mopping your floors, dusting your shelves and organizing your kitchen, don't think of it is as a "but I am still unemployed" negative; put it in the "I did more than sleep and read; I am progressing in the right direction" positive pile.

Find a good balance between humility -- accept that past screw-ups may mean a lower position in the world than you might like, until you are able to repair the damage -- and self-confidence; again, "I can't change the past, so, am I doing the right thing right now? Yes? Good for me."
posted by kmennie at 6:53 AM on September 25, 2010 [5 favorites]

This isn't good if you're broke, but perhaps after you get a little employment: a dog.
After not having pets for several years, getting a puppy turned my life around. She gave me something besides myself to screw over if I fucked up. She kept me at my job (and looking for a better one) rather than quitting and slacking. And I started interacting with people more, either at dog parks, or just because people on the street love puppies.
When I get in a funk (which have lasted months or years) I find simply getting out of the house helps a lot. Not to go talk and hang out with people, but just to be out. A dog can help make that happen.
posted by gally99 at 7:46 AM on September 25, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wow, I feel you. I'm a pretty outgoing person, but 8+ months of unemployment have really done a number on my self confidence. This summer has been the absolute worst - unemployed, depressed, family crap (I avoid mine too) and a breakup. I absolutely recommend volunteering. I have been volunteering at the breakfast shift for my local soup kitchen. It's remarkably focusing not only to spend some time with folks who have it a lot harder than I do, but to get up, get out and get something done. Also, I'm finding that it's pretty important to have a schedule (something I'm not good at). Clean certain rooms on certain days - go have lunch at a certain place on a consistent day, get in a daily walk. And remember - you're in good company. There are a LOT of unemployed folks out there, it's not your personal curse, and it WILL get better - it always does eventually.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:59 AM on September 25, 2010

I was in exactly this place myself a few years ago. I'd been out of school and out of work for an embarrassingly long time and felt utterly worthless. First, understand that long periods of unemployment can be devastatingly hard for even the most happy-go-lucky folks; and the economy is freaking terrible right now. Being out of work is absolutely not a reflection on your worth as a person. Repeat this to yourself as many times as necessary until you accept it as the truth.

I know all about being shy and awkward. Going to parties and social gatherings is work to me, and it probably always will be. Only other introverts get that. It's okay to be that way. But avoiding people as a means of mitigating your anxiety only reinforces your self-image as a socially awkward person. You've got to put yourself out there somehow -- just make it on your own terms. Here is what I did to help cope with this, and maybe it will help you too: Choose one "low-stakes" social interaction per day, and consider that your job. Example: I am going to make eye contact and smile at one stranger today until I meet one who smiles back. That's it. See how it goes. Over time, this will reinforce that you have the ability to interact with others, and you'll feel more comfortable in social situations.

I'd like to recommend a book to you that helped me a lot, which is The Worry Cure by Robert L. Leahy. Since money is tight, see if you can find a copy through your local library, even if it means doing an inter-library loan. This book discusses the different varieties of anxiety, will help you identify which ones you struggle with most, and offers a lot of practical coping strategies. It's the single most useful "self-help" book I've ever read, and really the only one with lessons that stuck with me after reading it.

I'd also like to urge you not to write off CBT as a useful therapeutic avenue. (Do you tend to catastrophize? Leahy discusses that in his book.) It sounds like you didn't manage to learn long-term coping strategies in your past sessions. That doesn't mean you're broken or anything, or that you are unable to get better. Not all therapists are equal, and approaches vary. I've been meeting with a therapist every 2 weeks for the last year, and the difference between "trunk muffins today" and "trunk muffins of one year ago" isn't that today's version is 100% happy and confident and unflappable all the time, it's that today's muffins understands what constitutes a stressful situation, can endure her emotional reaction by understanding where it comes from, can remain calm and do what has to be done, and doesn't consider herself an utter failure if she has trouble with something. That is the value of therapy, and unfortunately I have to tell you that it's a ton of very hard work. But you absolutely can do it, and I wish you all the best.
posted by trunk muffins at 9:27 AM on September 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

You mentioned that you've tried a few different kinds of therapy, but have you ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist to see whether you might be helped by medication? Even if only as a temporary measure until you get back on your feet, independent and functional, medication can be a life-changer for people who aren't in a place mentally to make therapy or self-help work for them. There are low-cost clinics and sliding scale fees if money is a barrier, but I'd urge you to be evaluated and find out what your options are.
posted by decathecting at 11:24 AM on September 25, 2010

Oh screw the whole anonymous thing. Who cares.

I have been in and out of therapy for over a decade. Tried MANY meds and talk therapy, and CBT. I think people just get frustrated with me.

I have a history of depression that has a few times in my life dipped down to me wanting to commit suicide (but I guess like for everything else, fear prevents me). The depression part is getting bad now, and usually that's what is treated, but really I never learned to cope with fear, and the result of not doing things because I'm afraid usually drops me in the depression.

I've always had trouble making and maintaining friendships, even when I was a child, I always feel kinda separated from people. I'll be hanging out with people and often feel kinda like I'm not there, and can't really enjoy myself. I can sympathize with people and can sense easily when people are down and anxious and know to ask about it, but yet I feel separate. There's always some sort of disconnect or distance that I can't cross. After a while I or they drop out of contact.

Most of the time it seems that I am friendly with needy people, because I can't overwhelm them as I do regular people, but I often have to drop the friendship as it become too much for me to handle.

I have been unemployed for almost 2 years, mostly it's me. I've failed to follow through countless times, when I've actually submitted and application, completely panicked and flubbed an interview, and bailed on another fearing it would go badly. I am only familiar with one line of work, and it being technology related, and that I haven't kept up, I'm no longer competitive, not to mention my confidence was completely undermined by my last job where I was forced to leave (literally threatened, after an (verbal) outburst about how frustrated I was with my job) and under the accusation of poor performance. I was apparently very hard working, but made too many mistakes and had poor time management skills (I had myself tested for ADD once, years ago, and they said that I wasn't).

I attempted to forestall this happening (my unemployment) knowing that things were starting to not go well by entering into therapy and taking meds, I think I was doing both for at least a year. But neither really did much apparently. I continued doing both for about a year after, even trying out a new therapist, and still kept heading on my downward spiral.

While that experience was bad, I have a history of being anxious and avoiding people where possible. I guess you would social anxiety, because it's mostly due to fear of being judged and performance. It has been bad in the past to the point where I didn't leave the house unless accompanied by someone close to me.

The past four months I've been trying self-help books, supplements, and diet. I've read about taking baby steps. And really, nothing is working. I'm back in another crisis.

I'm kinda stuck in that it seems I'm really dependent on others to guide me. At my last job I worried so much about every little thing I did after getting so much flak that I started running everything I did by other people to make sure it was ok. Even things that it would never before occur to me to do, and then I got into trouble for that as well. Now I'm to the point where I can't even fill out a job application or form without someone sitting with me, confirming what I'm doing is right, and keeping me from going into a panic. It's crazy! WTF.

I have some items I can sell to keep me going for a few more months (and avoid being homeless), but being that it requires I deal with strangers, who may rip me off (I don't know how to protect myself, and yes, I'm paranoid of people), I've avoided it. I worried I'm going to be sleeping in my car come winter.

I've always been told I'm excellent at painting myself into corners. I wish I wasn't, or that I could make a lot of money doing it, because I'm so good. I think I just like taking the decision making process out of everything because it's too confusing and overwhelming. If I'm forced into a situation that's a lot easier, though it usually sucks and I resent the outcome.

I feel like I'm utterly unfixable and another therapist is just going to put me more in debt (I haven't maxed out one of my credit cards yet), rather than help. Is this just impossible?
posted by mbird at 8:08 PM on September 25, 2010 [2 favorites]

BTW if the above sounds flip, I apologize, I have a tendency to do that, I was actually near tears when I wrote it.
posted by mbird at 9:05 PM on September 25, 2010

mbird, you need a new therapist. Your problems are by no means unfixable. And depending on where you live, there may be resources to help you get what you need for little or no cost.

Also, check your memail.
posted by torticat at 9:26 PM on September 25, 2010